In response to “What Else Do Pro-Lifers Do?”, reader writes:
I’ve been told that mothers with young children do their charity in the home; that it’s more important to nurture those under your care than divide your time and energy by doing/going to other charitable things. While I agree with this to a certain extent, it seems a bit like…well, bs. An opt-out of those of us with kids under the age of 3 or 4 or whatever.
Reading your article made me realize I don’t do much—that I talk a big talk, but maybe I am one of those pro-lifers the pro-aborts says doesn’t do anything. Could you give some direction to a young mother with only 2 under 3 right now? I don’t want to fall into the delaying of “real life” trap that so many young mothers do (i.e. I’ll wait until the kids are older). After all, there will always be a baby (God willing), right?
Here are some reasons not to worry if you “don’t do much”:
1. Nothing is more important than family. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Just ask someone who wants to be home with her kids, but has to work. There is no work, charitable or for-profit, that is more important than being there for your kids and spouse. If everyone devoted themselves to family, then most of the problems that pro-lifers work to solve would not exist in the first place.
2. Charitable works are a skill that need to be learned, and it takes more than enthusiasm (or guilt) to be effective. Be patient with yourself—it will probably take years to discover what sort of charitable works you’re actually called to do. (And don’t fall into the trap of thinking that, whatever makes you anxious and uncomfortable, then that must be what God is calling you to do. Use the gifts that God gave you.)
3. Listen to the experts. If a trusted mechanic says your car is unsafe and should be taken off the road, you listen. If an older mom takes a look at your life and says, “Give yourself a break, honey,” then she probably knows what she’s talking about.
4. Don’t assume you know anything at all about your future life! If your life is crazy right now, don’t assume it will always be that way: the circumstances may not change, but you most certainly will, so don’t make decisions about the present based on what you think the future will be like. I felt extremely overwhelmed when I had three little kids, but fretted constantly that I wasn’t doing enough. Now I have nine kids, but I’m much more productive AND more peaceful, because I’ve learned a lot about how to handle time, how to manage expectations, how to prioritize, how to listen, when to push, and when to let things go. Those busy people you admire probably had quieter seasons of being pro-life at home.
That being said, there are many pro-life things a stay-at-home mom can do without breaking a sweat:
Specifically regarding unborn babies:
—Spiritually adopt an unborn baby with your kids.
—Use Yahoo Answers to speak person-to-person to women in crisis.
—Donate money, even a little bit. Pro-abortion monoliths tend to be very well-funded by wealthy donors and tax money; pro-life organizations tend to run on a shoestring, and are under constant attack. It may feel cold and impersonal to cut a check to the local crisis pregnancy center, but to the girl who is able to buy a new carseat or a case of diapers, it makes all the difference.
—Get involved politically from home. Many pro-life lists, like the Susan B. Anthony list, will alert you about important bills, and make it very easy to send a message to your legislators.
—Be casually but publicly pro-life, using positive bumper stickers or upbeat Facebook pictures. So many people believe what they hear on TV: that all pro-lifers are wild-eyed oppressors or backward, pie-in-the-sky saps. Let people make the connection that smart, normal, interesting people are pro-life.
Regarding broader “womb-to-tomb” (and beyond) issues:
—Pray a Hail Mary with your kids when you hear a siren, and emphasize the fact that, in the Communion of Saints, we’re all responsible for each other.
—Be kind to people. (I need to write this on the inside of my eyelids.) Be willing to listen to lonely old people, harmless nuts, and children whose parents don’t care very much. Teach your kids to do the same.
—Even if your grocery budget is tight, buy one or two items for your local food pantry every time you go shopping, and let your kids put it into the collection box. Hands-on charity makes a big impression on kids.
A final word about the value of being pro-life in the home:
We’re so used to seeing our own children, so used to the idea that they’re under our care, that we sometimes forget that the angels rejoice when a young person goes out into the world armed with truth and love, instead of going forth with their hearts cramped and crabbed by an acceptance of abortion. This is where the battle is fought: in individual hearts. Each abortion is a tragedy because it ends an individual life—but each heart that is taught how to love is a true and eternal victory.
Yes, raising our children lovingly is commonplace, a duty, nothing new. So what? It’s still a big deal. It’s still the way to save souls. This is the great thing about being part of the Culture of Life: everything counts. You don’t have to save your receipts! Your good works have been noted, and they will not go to waste.
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Thank you for this! When my baby was three months old, I wanted to start the process of becoming a foster mother, but couldn’t imagine taking care of another baby along with mine. But I felt like the woman in your article - “If I can’t do it now, how will I ever do it with more children? I have to force myself to do it now!” Well, even just waiting 6 months helped - my child is almost one, and we are starting the process of being foster parents. It feels so much more manageable now. So I get what you are saying - it is ok to hold off temporarily if something feels completely overwhelming. Life does have its easier and harder times!
I so needed to read this today. A mom at my kids Catholic School said to me “Suck it up, get a job, put your kids in daycamp if you have to… Everybody has money issues, stop complaining get a job”. YIKES!!!! No job or summer camp is worth me giving up on them so we can have a little more spending money…. Keep your Chuck E Cheese, Circus, American Girl Doll store….. I’ll take the river, park, beach, bike trail or baseball field playground anyday…..
Just a note, everyone: I didn’t mean to imply that only stay-at-home moms truly dedicate themselves to their families, although reading this over, I can see it may possibly be taken that way. As someone who spends most mornings working and not spending time with my three kids who are at home, I fully understand that there are many, many ways to be a good parent. I sincerely hope we can avoid turning this comment thread into a stay-at-home vs. working mom battle! Like they say, all moms are working moms, and it’s always helpful when we can support and encourage each other—never helpful when we tear each other down. Thanks.
We all have talents so there should be no hesitating in cultivating them.
Another way to be pro-life from home: support a family adopting a child with special needs from an orphanage overseas. You can pray, donate, and encourage them. Or choose a child from Reeces Rainbow International Down Syndrome Adoption Ministry, and be a prayer warrior for that child. This is another important kind of spiritual adoption. You can also donate to that child’s fund to help a family afford to bring him or her home.
Also, pray specifically to open the hearts of those considering abortion for “medical reasons.” Just like we need to witnesses for the culture of life in our own homes and families, we need to pray for more living witnesses to the value of all life, especially those considered to be intolerable burdens by the wider society.
Beautiful advice! Thank you, Simcha.
Excellent post! I think many Christians fall into the trap of seeing all the terrible things in this world, getting overwhelmed, and then feeling so guilty that they are not doing more to combat it ALL. Sometimes we have to pick our battles and go where our talents and skills are most useful, leaving that hot issue over there to someone better suited.
I’m not sure if it’s the early pregnancy hormones or what, but I cried reading this. A million thank yous. When I was young and single, I would chaperone a trip to the March for Life with high school students and sleep on gym floors. As soon as I was pregnant, I was not longer able to attend and every year I always feel like I should make some effort to drag us all down. But I realized that isn’t practical for our family right now. I also really want to volunteer as a local crisis pregnancy center but don’t know what I would do with my child during that time. But your suggestion to council women online is a great alternative for now. Thank you!
Also, along with donating to local crisis pregnancy centers, donate to orphanages, or to the fundraising efforts of those trying to adopt children that have been given the gift of life, but no home or family.
Also, adopt.
The two things I think of immediately that are not “activist” in that traditional sense, but *so* important to “be-ing” prolife:
—kindness to strangers (as you already said, Simcha)
—and taking all opportunities that arise to speak with the family about what is really important about a person.
My example for the second one is this: My son started public school last year at age 8. He was teased…a lot, especially the first year. We had great conversations about the way people talk about each other, for example “you are ugly!” or “look at your clothes” or “you walk funny”....after acknowledging that these kind of words do hurt we looked at how logical they are: Does being ugly or walking funny mean you are less deserving of love and care? That you can’t be as good as others, that you are not equal?
—
It was always a good chance to go over what *we* believe is the basis for human equality, rights, and indeed kind treatment and care. It is our shared humanity as creatures of G-d, and there is not accident of our material circumstances that changes that. In this way we also explored our behavior toward others, including those who are mean and even violent around us.
—
Today is my son’s 10th birthday and he just makes me so proud. His forgiving and open nature is beautiful. He agreed to go without his birthday dinner and cake today so that we can have it when his Grandmother (disabled with huntington’s disease, visits once a week) can have it with us. He is brilliant and funny, but more importantly, he is kind.
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Undiscriminating kindness—NOT “just being nice”, but truly seeing the face of the Creator in others—is prolife. In honor of my oldest son’s birthday I hope you will say a prayer that I will do a better job of being kind to my children. I will do the same now for anyone reading this post. Thank you, friends!
This is something I repeat to the children, wrt the above:
“We should pay no attention to the praises people heap on us, or to the wounds they deal out. In the eyes of God, we are what we are, no more, no less.”
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It is attributed to The Cure of Ars here: http://stpaulsbookshop.blogspot.com/2012/02/jesus-is-condemned-to-death.html
—although the first time I heard it I was told it was from St. Francis of Assisi (by Fr. Richard Rohr, a Franciscan)
Wow, you are so on point that it’s scary. We’ve adopted 2 foster children and there are many more needing homes. Foster, adopt or just be a home for temp emergency placements and you will make an impact in a profound way in the life of a child.
Thanks for this article. I’m a South Africa Catholic mom who follows your blog, and finds such encouragement from it and the other American Catholic “mom-blogs”, which can often fuel my day when it seems a bit lonely. As a convert from an active Protestant church, I have struggled to find community in the Church, and at times depend on the Saints and American-Catholic-Mom-Blogs, although, thank God, we seem to be finding more and more orthodox people in our city of late. Tomorrow, I’m going to my first pro-life prayer vigil outside one of the abortion clinics in my city, Cape Town. I feel well accessorized, being 8 and a half months pregnant, and having a 15 month old son and a strong husband by my side, but am nervous all the same! This article helps me to keep it in perspective how my real pro-life work is at home and in enjoying the little lives God has given us to feed and nurture. Once again thank you- it is very encouraging for us South African Catholic mom’s to follow your blogs and see the greater Church at work.
I agree, especially with the “Be Kind”. The point is to show a girl/woman who may potentially be considering abortion that we delight in every person being alive, and we aren’t very convincing when we act annoyed by or disrespectful to the ones who are already here.
I would add to cherish sexuality, meaning to emphasize the goodness and beauty of it in the context of marriage, to make it desirable to remain chaste. But at the same time we shouldn’t talk mean about people who don’t live chaste, because let’s face it, the urges are strong and we all sin in one way or the other. Hearing us condemn unchaste people will not make a pregnant young girl or woman come to us to seek help instead of silently turning to abortion.
Lots of good suggestions in the column and comments about how to help. Not everyone working for the good of others is standing right there in front of them. There is always lots to be done behind the scenes. Also remember the work you do raising your children to go out into the world as kind, gentle, and compassionate volunteers and prayers warriors causes the net number of such people to rise. Right now, it may not seem like you are doing much, but as they grow, and then go on to raise their children, you will see the difference you made.
Oh thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! Only I just had my first baby and somehow I feel LESS useless. Something about her puts me in perspective. I play with her and care for her and love her and then, when she goes down for a nap or some floor time, I actually make use of my time, doing little things like you said, instead of dwadling. I don’t even know how that happened to me; I sure didn’t become more organized on purpose!
In my first years of marriage, I had an aversion to cleaning toilets. I know this sounds silly, but I had this small epiphany in realizing that I was doing great pro-life work, just offering up that sacrifice, for babies, and Moms in crisis! Our domestic work is a powerful prayer. I think it is safe to say also, that we have all felt the power of grace illuminating our consciences and souls at crucial moments in life. I’ll bet those graces can be traced back to someone toiling in their mundane duties, perhaps “not feeling it”, but faithfully performing their duties, and offering this as a prayer.
One of things I do is write letters to the editor on prolife topics in my local paper. I got tired of seeing so many letters from people I know are prochoice activists (probably paid). The paper also has an anonymous “Soundoff” column which is very popular. You only have to write a few lines and email it. The more often you do this, the better you get at it. The prolife cause needs to be factually and positively stated whenever it can be. Who can do this better than a mother. I often wondered if what I said made any difference. Lately, I have noticed more letters from people that agree with me. Sometimes when you speak out it gives others the courage to. I always thank others for their letters in the comments section.
@Corita, blessings on you and your beautiful son on his 10th birthday!
I’m so glad you’re continuing this conversation and showing what we can do on a micro level. But at some point, it would be nice to implement some macro solutions.
I was dismayed no one addressed cowalker’s comment from yesterday. Please understand that a lot of the JP2 generation perceives that despite certain political parties’ desire to offer a legal macro solution (outlawing the procedure or adding hoops to make it really really hard to follow through), they are taking actions at local, state, and federal levels that contribute to the reasons many women seek abortions (think they can’t financially afford 18 years; think they can’t psychologically handle giving their own child to an adoptive couple; think they can’t be a single mom because the dad is a deadbeat guy or abusive).
Please, someone help us change our perception and find the research that shows voting records that in addition to voting to curb abortions also say “yes, we voted to keep health insurance for kids;” “yes, we kept funding for these programs for women (and children born and unborn) to escape men who have no business being around women and children and will take years to change.” “yes we support policies that allow women to re-enter the workforce after child-rearing or to complement it”.
And if you can’t (because they actually did vote to de-fund domestic violence shelters or other social/health support programs), can we please urge them to consider the implications of their votes on things that impact the rearing of children and the care of terminally ill?
Also, to add to Simcha’s list: PRAYER for good men and MODELING of good fatherhood in communities that need it the most.
Here’s an easy, free, pro-life action EVERY BUSY MOM can do.
Compliment moms and their babies in public…you Know, at Target, the grocery store, the gas station…ESPECIALLY if she seems to be having a hard time with a fussy baby, or whiny toddlers. Watch her heart melt and her mood change from negative or frustrated, to positive and maybe even proud—JUST LIKE THAT!
I’ve been doing this for 25 years and I have yet to encounter a mom who did not appreciate this simple gesture!
YES! proverbialgirlfriend, I agree that we have to, have to politically support programs that give assistance to women and children.
@Anna Lisa—thank you for the idea! I was just about to go clean the bathroom, and now I will offer it up. I have been struggling lately with the idea that all our little domestic chores can have great value if we offer them up with love, but only IF we do that, and I often don’t remember or can’t find the motivation to do my daily jobs lovingly. But, if I link it in my mind with a specific task—for example, every time I clean the toilet I will say a prayer and offer it up for an end to abortion—THAT I can do! It’s easier to remember and actually do than an open-ended “I will go through this entire day lovingly.” Thank you so much!
NB says she’s now pregnant and can’t go on the pro-life march busses anymore and wants to help. I suggest that she keep that bus in her life - make big bags of popcorn to send along, or buy bottles of water a little at a time leading up the departure date. Give the bus your love and attention. that would be so helpful!
Robin E - YES! Reece’s Rainbow is tailor made for stay at home moms! Advocating for those precious angels has opened my heart more and more this past year. LOVE IT!
Simcha - Beautiful post. I really needed this today. :)
jann - Thanks to you and everyone who is like you! Getting a nice comment froma stranger can make a world of dfference. I have had it happen to me once and it was an answer to prayer! It’s wonderful not to always be told that “you must have your hands full!” every time we go out!
I find the best pro-life action that I can do as a mom to multiples is NEVER complain about mu kids to younger moms/women. Scaring them out of motherhood because I told them the story of how my three year old hit me, my two year old screamed all day and my newborn pooped on my new shirt is not a good idea ;)
Thanks for another great post Simcha!
I LOVE the idea of smiling at and complimenting babies/children in public. My biggest struggles are when I am with the kids, alone. This happens frequently at Mass, where I do find it so discouraging as to bring me to tears. A person saying something nice to me there goes a long way, and I have tried to pass that along by saying nice things to other moms at Mass or other places.
Thanks for listing it, @jann.
@Jocelyn
I am a foster mom, too, and I was so excited to see your comment. My husband and I waited until our oldest was a little shy of a year before we started the training, too, so of course I think you are the smartest momma ever! Welcome to the ranks! Since I’m going to be praying for your family for the rest of my days, I’m hoping that you will say you are blogging somewhere, so I may also stalk you in a socially appropriate manner…hint, hint…(this is your cue to plug your blog or to join the blogging ranks)
I have pro-life bumper stickers on my car, the pro-life license plates, buy food for the local food pantry, and sign those on-line petitions to politicians.
Locally, I am now supporting pro-life candidates being a non-paid volunteer (wish I COULD get paid).
I intend to find a paid (even if minimum wage part time) for a local pro-life pregnancy center once I am not under the strict Unemployment guidelines.
Try to drive the point home that I “observe moral conscience pro-life values without exception” on all resume submissions to employers that are in the health care field. (Which may be lock me out of the running).
I’d rather live in the car on the side of the road than violate my values.
It’s pretty easy to give an hour of prayer at your local 40Days for Life vigil. We always appreciate it when mothers with strollers stop by to pray.
FASTING! Don’t buy those shoes you don’t need the old ones will do. You don’t need that ice-cream. Your kid doesn’t need the prettiest display for a fun birthday party. Etc…. Less self-indulgence, more selflessnes.
Be much more supportive of the mothers who mourn children who never were. I have been a walking, talking, living, breathing, human sarcaphogas more than once. Hospital personnel won’t tell you what happens to your children’s remains. Abuse of corpse codes don’t apply. Because they weren’t “born” and alive for even a minute, they don’t count to the federal government as IRS 1040 tax exemptions. And the Parochial Vicar at my parish tells me that there can be no mass said for them: “It is against strict church jurisprudence.” WHO IN THE WORLD REALLY DOES BELIEVE THAT MY CHILDREN EVER EXISTED BUT ME?!
Posted by proverbialgirlfriend.wordpress.com on Friday, Mar 30, 2012 3:10 PM (EST):
“Please, someone help us change our perception and find the research that shows voting records that in addition to voting to curb abortions also say ‘yes, we voted to keep health insurance for kids;’ ‘yes, we kept funding for these programs for women (and children born and unborn) to escape men who have no business being around women and children and will take years to change.’ ‘yes we support policies that allow women to re-enter the workforce after child-rearing or to complement it’.
“And if you can’t (because they actually did vote to de-fund domestic violence shelters or other social/health support programs), can we please urge them to consider the implications of their votes on things that impact the rearing of children and the care of terminally ill?”
No, you can’t ask them to consider the implications of their votes on things that impact the rearing of children and the care of terminally ill. Because they don’t really care about those things.
The same politicians who vote to outlaw abortion do vote to de-fund programs that would help a poor, pregnant woman keep her baby and raise it. If they succeed in destroying the health care plan, they will be helping to create an absurd nation that denies a poor, uninsured woman an affordable abortion at 10 weeks into the pregnancy, and then tells her when she goes into labor at 26 weeks to stay home and let nature take its course. Or are they OK with helping to subsidize her care and her baby’s care along with the rest of us by paying insanely inflated health care costs? They don’t seem to be OK with that.
Frankly, I think conservative politicians have been playing the pro-life community on the abortion issue for more than forty years now. I don’t think most of them care about this issue at all. They can afford to go anywhere or fly family members or girl friends anywhere to get an abortion—even to Europe if necessary. The anti-abortion rhetoric is just a carrot to wave in front of one-issue voters while they help corporations to pillage the environment and the economy on behalf of the rich—including themselves. Apparently pro-lifers are never going to catch on.
Anita, Your parish priest should most definitely be able to say some sort of blessing or modified funeral rites for your babies. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and my parish priest had a little service for my family and our baby. She was buried in a Catholic Cemetery. While it wasn’t a Mass, it did give us closure and she was remembered in the Mass of the deceased at the local Cemetery that month. Also, there is a newrite for pregnant women and their babies so I wouldn’t be surprised if we start to see more done for babies who die before they have the chance to be born. I am sorry for your loss, know that I will keep you in my prayers. It is a difficult loss and a very real one that we don’t hear people talk about more often.
I always felt that being a regular blood donor was one way I could give my “life blood”. Also adopting a mission child or more than one is a great way to support life without having to physically be involved in child rearing when that option is not the best for your circumstances. I have found CFCA (Christian Foundation for Children and Adults)to be a reliable Christian organization.
Great post, Simcha! I’d like to add that mothers of young children (if the circumstances are right) can donate breast milk to regional banks, and they can make freezer meals for pregnant and new mothers. :)
When I’d be walking a fussy baby in the wee hours, I’d pray for mothers considering abortion. A ‘small’ sacrifice. And I loved this article!
@ Anita, remember that the hairs on your head are counted. He promises that he knows when a sparrow falls. Some people are lost at sea, others in natural disasters. This doesn’t make them any less precious or sacred. I also have been a “living sarcophagus”. Two of my babies are in Catholic cemeteries. Two, I couldn’t recover. I know that they are ALL enfolded in the loving embrace of our Lord. You will see your little ones again on that day when every tear is wiped away. Offer your wound as a prayer, with the cross of Christ!
Might also simply ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. Shepherds and Kings were used, stars and sheep to announce the birth of our Lord, so also, we are asked to do little things with great love and that is a means of living out a pro life life.
@Christie- thats a great idea! I hadn’t thought of that. If I do start one, I’ll let you know!
Facebook is an excellent way to spread the Pro-Life message too! Whether you just say you are praying for the unborn on your status, or reposting articles like this one for people to read. I think it is helpful for those who work to be able to see an article you might have posted that they may have not otherwise notice. We can work together :)
Besides where else to you have a platform to quickly spread the message to a few or hundreds or thousands depending on your number of FB friends. It just takes two seconds to hit the repost button. Keep fighting the good fight Mom’s, we need you, and when you raise your babies firmly pro-life, it puts you on the front-lines in this war. <3!
It seems like women are disparaged when we are stay at home moms or even work from home moms. Being a mother is a full time job and than we still fill the role of wife and so many other roles. My husband from time to time has worried about me not having a job outside the home. I have pointed out the expenses of another car, gas, insurance, clothing and so on, so than I started looking for work from home jobs that I could do when I have the time. I have made webpages, brochures. I have blogged. I have added affiliate programs. I think I have tried almost everything. And I finally found a work from home that fits. So I agree.. keep up the good fight but if you need the extra let me point you towards this… http://ushomeworkforce.net/briars2roses2
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