I really enjoyed this commonsensical piece, “Other People’s Money,” from the Wall Street Journal. The author is “caught” by her father squandering money on individual apples. She asks:
[A]m I profligate? I don’t think so, but Wall Street’s crisis—itself following a surge in gasoline prices and a downturn in the economy—seems to have everyone turning a judgmental eye toward spending habits, their own and, more righteously, those of others.
Finding herself under scrutiny, she reflects on how her she does arrive at her sometimes inconsistent financial choices—and how she judges other people’s choices, too:
In my head, I construct entire budget plans for friends. If they would only quit paying so much in rent in the city, I think, they could save up enough for a downpayment on a house in the suburbs. In the meantime, if they would only ride the subways instead of taking cabs ... But I don’t generally share such ideas with my friends because, well, it’s rude. And besides, financial calculations are rarely as simple as they seem.
She realizes that we all make trade-offs based on our priorities: One friend skimps on the heating bill, but pours money into the care of her dogs, because it’s worth it to her. The author is willing to pay for a housekeeper so she can use the time writing, to make more money than she spent on the housekeeper. She doesn’t spend time clipping coupons, but shops quickly, to “earn” more time with her daughter.
I loved these concrete examples, and the conclusion she drew: that we all make choices—have to choose one good over the other—and so reveal our priorities. The other day, I bought milk at the convenience store down the road, rather than driving ten minutes into town. It cost an extra $1.50, but I figured that if someone offered to drive to town for me for a dollar, I’d gladly pay it, because I’m tired and busy. So I paid myself the $1.50, and just skipped over to the convenience store.
The point is, someone else might very easily make other choices, and they wouldn’t necessarily be more or less virtuous than mine—they’d just be different. Very relevant, I think, to recent discussions about personal spirituality: Opus Dei vs. Knights of Columbus; God as stern judge vs. God as tender benefactor; fear of hell vs. desire for heaven. As we flounder around more or less gracefully, trying to find the right path to God, we can often find ourselves comparing ourselves to each other.
The most interesting Catholic publications always have a slant—they emphasize politics, or Marian devotions, or corporal works of mercy, or family life, or missionary work, etc. Hearing about what other Catholics are up to can be enriching or discouraging, depending on what we do with the information.
When women read about other women’s lives, we tend to think, “Oh, I’m a failure as a mother! All I do is hang around reading with my kids all day, when I ought to be doing liturgical crafts!” or “My husband must be so disappointed with me—those other woman are so beautiful and exciting, and all I do is cook and clean!” And meanwhile the kids and husband in question are perfectly happy—it’s only the mom who sees a problem.
I think men do just as much comparing—they just tend to reach the opposite conclusion from women: “I see so-and-so approaches life in a different way than I do. Well, he’s an idiot.” (Not all men and all women, of course, think this way—but in general, that’s how it goes.)
Anyway, I was reminded of the passage from Corinthians, when Paul chides, “Are you not acting like mere humans? For when one says, “I follow Paul,” and another, “I follow Apollos,” are you not mere human beings? What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe — as the Lord has assigned to each his task.”
So, it’s fine to take a look around myself and think, “Could I be doing things differently? Is my spiritual life in a rut? Am I following my vocation, or just following the path of least resistance?” But once I’ve considered these questions honestly, I need to just get back to work. Of course I’m doing things differently from how other people are. Of course some worthy works are being neglected. That’s because I’m following my vocation, and a vocation is just a means to an end, not an end in itself.
We all ought to have the same priority of pleasing God. But casting a fishy eye at other people’s choices almost never gets us there.
Comments
Post a Comment
Bravo…..I personally need to look at my brothers and sisters more often not as a judge would ( I have no standing there because I cannot know the motivations of others like God can) but as one who prays for and, if possible, helps those fellow travelers on their way home.
This is a point I’ve made and re-made to myself throughout my years of marriage and parenting. When my dh and I first embraced the Church’s teaching on life in general resulting in embracing NFP and eventually homeschooling, I watched other mothers quite closely to see how an open to life, homeschooling Mom should be.
Apparently it required (in my mind and in others as well) wearing long denim dresses and not cutting your daughters’ hair, along with many other false assumptions. It took a few years and my husband’s insistence that those dresses made me look ugly and he did not marry an ugly woman, to realize that I was creating a false ideal of what a woman and family of God should be and do.
I had forgotten the lesson from first grade at St. Mary’s School where Sr. Mary Linus repeatedly told us - “Keep your eyes on your own work!”
Such a lesson works for first graders and for all of us - God is calling us to live our lives, our vocations not anyone else’s.
Rachel:
“Keep your eyes on your own work” how perfectly splendid.
I think men do just as much comparing—they just tend to reach the opposite conclusion from women: “I see so-and-so approaches life in a different way than I do. Well, he’s an idiot.”
LOL - literally! Yes! My husband is this way. He also applies this same thinking to his wife and children, thank God! “Other wives do such-and-such; other people’s kids are thus-and-so. Well, they’re idiots.” :D
And, by no means am I suggesting people go around calling other people idiots. It’s just so nice and refreshing to have someone tell you that you’re already doing something right and you don’t have to do it like someone else to get it right.
p.s. - I think this will have to be my new bumper sticker: “Keep your eyes on your own work.”
I’ll put it right next to my “Pants.” bumper sticker.
It is so easy to see something from the outside and assume we are deficient in some way. I like the idea from the movie American Beauty to look closer. There is something in our lives most likely that others wish they had.
Very nice, thank you for this! Yes, it’s a constant spiritual battle with me either judging others or harshly judging myself.
/
It reminds me of (yet another) great comparison you made in a past post: something like we’re all potroasts in a slow cooker - stop lifting the lid to check on each other, because we’re not all done yet and lifting the lid just makes the finished product take longer. Goes for lifting the lid too much on yourself, too!
“Keep your eyes on your own work pants”?
LOL ROFL - Thanks a lot for nearly ruining my computer as my diet Coke spewed from my nose and mouth when reading the “Well, he’s an idiot!” remark. OHHHHH that is SOOO me! Not proud of that, but BOY did it make me laugh. Nobody likes being the butt of those comparisons, either. My family is full of judgers - financial and otherwise. So calling them “idiots” is only man-speak for, “Well, I’m unperturbed by, and disagree with their assessment for 20 reasons, but I don’t feel like fully expressing them all at this moment.” (Or similar)
So I may struggle from month to month to make ends meet, but I save up and buy myself a flat screen TV to watch movies on. Which is my way of winding down. I feel better and am more productive. Whilst Family Member X can’t believe I would be so “irresponsible”. Yet this person, who has plenty of cash, has NO TIME to spend with the kids because X is TOO BUSY being a BUS DRIVER and shuttling them all over creation for all their one BILLION SPORTS ACTIVITIES! Worship at the altar of sports and extracurricular activities = smart, flat screen= irresponsible? Idiot! (I truly LOVE them all. They are great people! But we do all have to be careful how we judge.)
In sum: What a GREAT post! (Another one. Do you have a book? I want to read it!)
Check out:
Young, Black, Catholic Women Equals Abortion!
http://omnibuscrazybus.blogspot.com/
Right, “judge not” and all that. But what about when you are giving 200% to be a good Catholic, and you see people - some professing to be Catholic themselves - who are living their in lives in complete and deliberate contradiction to the faith, and not only that, seem to be rewarded for their behavior? I’m not going to say to myself “la la la, well I don’t know what their personal relationship with God is like so I better not make a judgement!” No. I’m going to call a spade a spade.
Do all women really compare like that? I always see and hear that they do, but I’ve never felt like that. Either I am, in fact, super mom or I just don’t really give a damn about comparing myself to others. I mean, we’re all different. We all make different choices bc as you said, we all have different priorities. I don’t get it.
Also…
I do prioritize coffee above shampoo at times. Steak is good too.
This may be off topic - admittedly, different people have different priorities; but at some point, as adults, we need definite time for prayer - even listening to see if God has a message for us; and some attention to the parables in Matt. 25: v.31-46 and Luke 16: v.19-31. If our priorities do not include caring for others who are not so well off, we are heading toward a dangerous future. Mothers who are caring for small children may be too busy to think much about this, but awareness is needed.
TeaPot562
@not pollyanna—
Please see the parable of the Pharisee and the publican and also the parable of the Prodigal Son for the answer to your dilemma.
Pleh, thanks for the suggestion. But to write everyone off as a Pharisee because they experience discouragement is really unhelpful. There is a difference between exalting yourself, and admitting that you are trying to be faithful and feeling discouraged when people are rewarded for not being faithful. You’re not a Pharisee for feeling that discouragement.
@not pollyanna: These tax collectors you mention are being rewarded? Really? Are they being rewarded by the world or by God? Are you calling them out like Peter called out Matthew, or are you eating in their house and sharing the good news like Jesus?
Try the Sermon on the Mount when feeling discouraged, or the above-mentioned Parable of the Prodigal Son. Or try looking at the life of St. Peter, who surely put in 200%, as you say you do… and then completely fell flat on his face out of discouragement when Christ most needed him to stand up and be counted. Surely, also, St. Augustine—by his own admission, a flaming heretic and flamboyant sinner, converted late in life through reason and study and the quiet prayers of his sainted mother.
The rewards of God often look to us like punishments, for He reserves the largest crosses for those He knows can handle them. The ‘rewards’ of the world are ephemeral; fool’s gold shines, though dully to those who have seen the real thing.
“Or try looking at the life of St. Peter, who surely put in 200%, as you say you do”
Yikes. I mean… I HOPE I’m putting in 200%. When I said that, I was talking about Catholics who are trying hard in general. I think the conversation is moving away from my point. I’m not jealous of tax collectors getting rewards nor am I trying to exalt myself (I think). Simcha mentioned that we should not judge how other people conduct their lives, instead we should focus on ourselves because we’re blind to all of our own shortcomings. I agree! And if one of our quirks is to be super judgmental, then we certainly need to take the advice given in the article. But I think the pendulum can swing to the other extreme. If you observe someone else erring, and you have been given the wisdom to see it as a problem, shouldn’t you call a spade a spade and not be paralyzed by beam-in-my-own-eye-anxiety? If I was about to screw up, I hope a wiser person would speak up, and not be worried about looking judgmental. Doesn’t anyone else ever think this?
@not pollyanna: I see where you’re coming from now. :) Sorry if my post sounded harsh; I didn’t intend it to be so, but reading back now I see how it could be taken that way. On your point, I tend to think that ‘calling a spade a spade’ should be reserved for drastic situations with immanent consequences, or close friends/family.
This is actually a very interesting discussion - correcting someone from a perceived mistake - in light of Ms. Fischer’s last post about people commenting on the size of her family.
Thank-you for this post. I never realized others felt the same way I did about this. All these years I have been struggling with exactly this: all of my siblings managed their lives better than I did, all the other nurses were smarter and gave better care than I did, all the other mothers obviously loved their children more than I did, everyone else was a better friend than I was, ad infinitum. I was wrong on all counts, by the way…....
You have reminded me of MY vocation - no one else on the planet can interact with the same people in my life the way God wants ME to interact with them.
@Blunderbust: I love the definition of what “he’s an idiot” really means in man-speak. Yes! I suffer greatly from exactly what THERESE60640 describes. I’ve started thinking of your definition whenever I catch myself beating up on myself, and say internally: “I’d be an idiot if I did what they are doing.” (Because I’ve thought about it before and I feel led otherwise by God, my priorities of what’s worth spending money on is quite different, my family situation is different, etc. Important to me: I don’t think to myself that they are idiots, because, sadly, I can also be judgemental of others in my battles with my self-esteem.)
/.
The shorthand reminder has been very helpful for me the last couple of days.
/.
Thanks again for a great post, Simcha!
@pollyanna
So I recently experienced both situations. One where I thought someone probably ought to do something and wanted to tell them so. And it turned out they didn’t need to do it, and I thank God for keeping me from saying anything and being an idiot. In another situation, I again thought someone ought to do something. And I got, umm.. rather forcible in getting them to do it. And they thanked me afterward.
So yes, there are both situations. And telling the difference can be tricky - it requires practice and listening to the Spirit.
But, also, I have to say that situations in which we need to correct someone else seem to come up a LOT less often than situations where we need to keep our mouths shut and be less judgmental. But maybe that’s just me.
“they’re idiots”
....
Some friends with only one child recently visited, and I was, without really noticing, faulting myself for not responding as quickly to my kids’ needs as that mom responds to hers. And then later my husband told me he thought that all the ‘only child’ s that he knows are a little spoiled b/c they never have to wait for their parents’ attention.
...
It was so *exactly* how you described; I was comparing and thinking our way was inferior, my husband was comparing and thinking our way was superior. Definitely… refreshing… to see it from his point of view.
Post a Comment
By submitting this form, you give The National Catholic Register permission to publish this comment. Comments will be published at our discretion, and may be edited for clarity and length. For best formatting, please limit your response to one paragraph and don't hit "enter" to force line breaks.