“Nincompoopery” - my new favorite word of the day! :D
I’m not a mom, but I come from a semi-large family (only 8 children ;P ) so I recognize these scenarios quite well!  I was the kid who moved slowly; no one liked me very much on cleaning days. :P

And you will sleep through the night (at least until menopause kicks in at which point you may never sleep a full night again), and you will read uninterrupted and take a walk, alone, and eat what and when you want.  You are right.  It is going to be great. I guarantee, you will enjoy it. I enjoyed the kids when they were home, and I enjoyed the home when the kids were gone.  It is true that the empty nest is a painful experience, but only as you watch them drive away.  Then you turn around and… Behold, peace and quiet!

Amen.  :)  all sooo true.  Nincompoopery definitely great word.

Simcha, THANK YOU.

When I was a young mom, I kept reading articles written by home schooling moms who claimed that their elaborate chore systems were executed by smiling children who, because they were home schooled, understood the value of chores and almost enjoyed them.

That is so far from my reality that I used to wonder what i was doing wrong.

It is refreshing to read an honest account of the situation. 

Bless you!

So funny because it is so true!  I have a son (oldest of 5) who can build elaborate computerized robots from scratch but can’t see all the food he leaves behind clogging up the drain when he does the dishes.  While we are at it, can someone tell me why they leave their clothes on the floor right NEXT TO the hamper instead of dropping them 2 inches to the left so they will be IN the hamper?  :)

I found a great trick to eliminate the whining.  Do-overs.  I mean real do-overs. We have one in particular who always manages to complain when he’s asked to do anything.

I finally got to a point one day where I said that if I heard a single groan he was going to have to start entirely redoing his chores.

We had a few of these episodes…
*Son grumpily unloads dishwasher.  Dad reloads entire thing with clean dishes.  Son unloads again without a peep.
*Son groaning while folding pile of towels.  Dad gently unfolds all the towels.  Son refolds all the towels without a peep.
*Rinse and repeat.

This method is a bit of work up front, but it works absolute wonders after the kid learns the parent is serious.  Now all I have to do is ask if he’d like to do everything over when I hear a complaint and it stops immediately.

I can take most of the other imperfections listed above, but the one that irks me the most is when they whine and complain about the relatively little we ask them to do to contribute to the family.  Now, I will say I am glad my wife doesn’t play be these rules when I complain about having to be go to work on Monday morning.

After driving myself crazy with those homeschooling books (mostly by work-ethic protestants), I sank to, and stuck with this standard of post-chore cleanliness: “Does it look better than it did before they started?” If yes in any sense at all, then I was content. Especially when boys did the work. Children really cannot see 90 percent of dirt, clutter etc.

“My sons need to learn that it’s not a woman’s job to pick up after them. And the girls need to learn how to pick up, so they can pick up after their husbands someday.”

BWAHHAHAHA

Simcha,

Good morning from Kentucky. :)  A friend of mine posted a link to your blog from her facebook and I just had to take a peek.  While I used to read several blogs daily, I haven’t read one in a few years.  My life changed in ways I never thought it would 2½ years ago and it’s been hard to put one foot in front of the other since.  I am happy I decided to click on the link for your blog.  It is beautiful to read and reminded me about how important some things are.  I really enjoyed your writing and am going to continue to read. 

Thank you, Robin B.

Hilarious, but while you took the time to kevetchog, you could have had it all done yourself. And, yes-one day they will be all gone & it won’t be that “GREAT” but it will be absolutely delightful when they have their own and are going through what you are. The best part will be when one of them complains to you about one of their kids and you get to say “ooooohhhh, he’s sort of acting like YOU did when….”. That was the greatest thing that my dad ever said to me as I was complaining about my moody 10 yo-who is now 14 and next time I blink she will be going off to college.

And she really isn’t any more moodier than me especially right before our periods!

No, I will just look in her room at the chin level pile of “clean” clothes and G-d knows what all over the floor & I will just shake my head. I have tried and they try. I have gotten all shades of colors getting frustrated. We all must continue to try, but it really will be all their jobs to do one day….all on their own. So for now, I will cherish the brief moment that G-d gave me to enjoy my children’s childhood.

One more note to self and to husband….lead by example.Our house is a mess because we are slobs, too! Who do you think they learn it all from?!

And, once again in the midst of chaos and stress, you made me laugh.  Maybe someday you will know what a great gift that is.  Thanks.

Yes!! I love this “It would be faster to train a cocker spaniel to type in Mandarin.”

My husband said that all the time ” honey get the kids to help you, don’t do it all yourself”  I finally jumped down his throat and explained it to him.  I am really hard on my kids to get them to be neat and clean and organized, bc I never learned and my life was very stressful bc of it lol.

I have mixed feelings about reading all of this (funny tho’ it was) because I am not sure if you are suggesting we ask our kids to help and accept their best efforts OR not ask our kids to help and do it all ourselves.

Because asking and expecting your kids to help around the house is important…really.  Not only from the aspect that they are a part of the family (and yes, the cause of most of the messes) but also as a part of developing the virtues of responsibility and commitment not to mention making them capable of taking care of themselves.

I can remember going off to college (Franciscan) and finding too many kids who did not know how to pick up their own dorm room much less do their own laundry.  I didn’t mind making a few bucks doing it for them but seriously - an 18 yr. old should know now those things.

The key is finding a system that works for you and your kids and working along with them is essential.  I can remember a mom saying how she hadn’t done housework in years because her kids were doing it all.  That doesn’t sound like asking them to ‘help you’ attitude but a telling them to ‘do it instead of you’ attitude and there is a big difference between the two.

The age of the kids matters, their disposition and yours.  I will say all my kids help out in varying degrees of ability and enthusiasm but they help.

This is completely unrelated to this article, but the other day I was going on to my husband about some hilarious comment you made in one of your blogs.  (It’s beginning to become a daily occurrence).  He and I both agreed that you should write a book.  Maybe once all your kids are out of the house you’ll have some time?  ;)  Love your blog, it always makes me laugh. Thanks!

I’m taking my cues from my sister-in-law, who gave her kids this 16th birthday present:  teaching them (and requiring them) to do their own laundry.  While other kids were getting cars, her sons had to wash & fold their own clothes from then on.  They are now adults/college students, and it has served them well! 

I was doing our family’s laundry at age 12, so I may even make the age a year or two younger.  :)

You’re so funny! And thank you for not going the “the house will soon be empty and sad so let’s cherish these little messes” route.  Barf.  That is such B.S.  I’m certainly going to miss my children when they grow up and leave, but that’s no reason for me to pretend I like having a messy house.

funny, funny- but I’m not going to let the kids read it- they are too busy helping me

;)

@Nancy- I like the idea of that , but I value my appliances too much.

I find that if I tell my 6-year-old to pick the Legos up off the floor, then about 80% of the Legos will actually get picked up.  100% of the bare feet that land firmly on the remaining Legos will belong to parents, not children.

Simcha,

I have to say…..I first started reading your blog posts a few months ago from various friends who posted it on Facebook, and I have not stopped reading and enjoying them since! There has not been one post that I have not thoroughly enjoyed. Every post I have read has been well-written, thoughtful, humorous and very very true. THANK you and PLEASE….keep writing! =) God bless your day!

To Robin B-Welcome!!!  I hope to see more of you around NCR.  I think you will really enjoy Simcha’s Blog.
I only have one more kid to get out of the house!!!  We have been slowly downsizing in home and kids for the past 10 years.  We now live in our “retirement” home which is rather small.  I love it but my youngest is the one with the pets ;|
I don’t expect cleaner as I watch my grandaughter of age 4 1/2 but I’m hoping I can actually breath thru my nose again once he and his furry brood are gone! :3
Oh and being able to laugh at your kids as they experience the same things you did with them is God’s best joke ever!!!!!!  My daughter absolutely hates it…. I laugh in her face which turns shades of color I’ve only seen in a mirror!! LOL

Boy, can I relate to this.    I also have the additional problem of having one of my kids be so much less comptetent than the others.    I struggle with my patience with him and then, of course, he feels picked on.  But the bottom line is he’s a high maintenance kid who requires a lot of oversight.    This morning before school I actually tied his shoes for him - he’s 13 years old - because his laces looked so ridiculous and I knew I didn’t have the patience to get him to do it properly before we had to get out the door.

I love your ending. I was SO expecting a sappy, “And that will be so sad, since my quiver will not be full” thing. Not because you’re quiverful, but because I’ve read the line about “one day my house will be clean…” 10,000 times, and this is the first time someone has said, “and it will be amazing.”

Maybe I have weird feelings on children, but I see all movements toward independence and personal responsibility in a positive light. Maybe a little, “Oh, he’s growing up” here and there, but never, “I wish I could go back!” In my case, this is because I’m only having my second kid, and hope to have about a dozen more, so I know I’ll have this particular milestone several times over, and in your case, because you’re going to go through each thing at least nine times, so no need to be a sap about it all.

I do highly recommend “Parenting with Love and Logic”, as the teacher’s version has really changed my outcomes in the classroom.

You, by the way, are the person I think of when I hear that line from JPII about women, something about how children need their mothers and the world needs the gifts of women. How well you do it! Even if you do have mystery smears on your floors. :)

I mostly quit making my younger kids do chores after my three older ones, when told they had to help around the house, chose to move out instead. They are from a failed first marriage and their Dad had constantly told them they shouldn’t have to help me since I didn’t deserve it. They told me I was always selfishly thinking of myself and they were better off without me and left at 16 or 17 to live with friends.(Does make me wonder if those “concerned woman” pac is right about taking away the kids of single women) Good news is they no longer mess up my house or eat my food or run up phone bills. Bad news is my 6 yr old heard them complain so much that now if I ask her to pick up her toys or unload the dishwasher, she asks me why she has to do MY work and complains she feels like a maid. So yeah, mostly just easier to do it myself.

Funny, funny, stuff. My sons are two years and two months, respectively. The two year old is actually quite good at picking up after himself (everyone reminds us of how lucky we are). I was hoping that in a few short years I could put them to work and have my own personal slave labor, er, I mean housekeeping service.

Now some nitpickery: Lockheed Martin designed the F-22 Raptor and is the primary contractor on it. Boeing does, however, partner on it and builds the wings and aft fuselage.

One could call it the “Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor” or perhaps the “Lockheed Martin/Boeing F-22 Raptor”.

Nincompoopery is great, but objet de lunch may be even better.

Very funny indeed!
Today I’ve received some pps, family with 17 kids. Duggars, I suppose. On every single picture the boys play, while the girls do all the work in house - cooking, ironing, laundry, babysitting etc.
Quivering mothers obviously don’t consider 8-old daughters too young/slow/clumsy to work :-((.

Is it awful that I laugh when one of my children slips and falls on a piece of their artwork that’s been laying on the floor for days? Is it more awful that when they shout, “IT’S NOT FUNNY!” that I tend to laugh even harder?

So, at the risk of sounding lame and out of the loop, what is this “quiverful” stuff that everyone keeps talking about? 

I’m assuming it doesn’t refer to a quiverful of arrows, like one would see in a video game.

In between huge laughs, my husband and I comment all the time about how you are a mind reader and post things that are literally happening in our lives at the same time.

For example, this is what happened just this morning with my 5-year-old (he’s the oldest of three boys):

“Nicholas, please bring your plate, bowl, and cup to the sink.”

Staring off into space.

“Excuse me, Nicholas. Please bring your plate, bowl, and cup to the sink.”

Staring off into space.

Repeat two more times.

Finally, I get through, and he slowly looks at his bowl of maple syrup (he dips, not pours) and says, “This? This bowl?”

“Yes, yes, that bowl.”

He carries it over, dripping syrup along the way. When I exclaim, “It’s dripping!” he drops it on the floor. He slowly picks it up, dripping the whole time, and as he tries to get it into the sink, he drops it a second time.

I hobble for some cleaner and paper towels to clean up (I’m on crutches right now), while he slowly moves around me to get his plate and cup, staring at the syrup on the floor. Worth it? I guess so, right?

Nancy: my girls have each been doing their own laundry since they turned 10.  A family friend got my mom to adopt that practice with us; the friend said, “Hey, they can program VCRs and answer the phone; they can figure out the washer and dryer.”  These days, kids can work extremely complex machines by age 10, so a washer and dryer should be easy.

I agree that to train children to do chores, you have to accept the imperfections in the early years.  But I’m here to tell you that it’s worth it.  My girls are 15, 14, and 13 now.  I was sick for two weeks with bronchitis, and they did *everything,* even my laundry (and I have to be really out of commission before I’ll let anybody else do my laundry!).  They cooked dinner, my oldest “adopted” the kitchen counters as her own special responsibility, and clutter levels were kept manageable.  Honestly, they can now run the house better than I can. :)

Sure, getting to this point meant accepting that “vacuum” meant “run the vacuum down a strip in the middle of the room” and “tidy” meant “shove the clutter into piles” for a while when they were little.  But wow—it has totally been worth it.

Oh, too funny! We definitely need to be more consistent about chores. They are helpful when asked, but we had a regular schedule that slipped away over the summer. *cracks knuckles* Time to make their lives less fun again!

//

Re: kids complaining about doing “my” work. When I heard them try that one, I replied, “No, this is YOUR work. Everyone in the family works for the good of the family. Daddy and I just did your work for you while you were too little to do it yourself.” All in the perspective!

//

I like the concept of mandatory do-overs, too. Something else we need to be consistent about. What makes it hardest for me is that the whole chore thing has (so far) been 100% on my plate. My husband is a dear, but a dear slob, and honestly I don’t think HE sees the mess any better than the kids do!

@Kara, there is a verse in the Bible that refers to having lots if children as a quiver full of arrows.  Psalm127:5 :)

I can relate a bit to this. My oldest is 3, and has recently assumed the responsibility of daily chores. Picking up his room enough so I don’t end up with Optimus Prime in my arch, setting the table for dinner, and throwing trash and recycle away. V SD y hard for a control freak like me, but for now he enjoys the perks being responsible brings.

I give my kids the chores that I loathe doing.  Usually it involves vacuuming steps, unloading the dishwasher, walking the dogs in rain/sleet/snow.  Then I only assign those chores to the kid that is actually suited to do it, and does it well.  It’s unscientific, but I found that if a kid likes what he’s doing, he does a better job.  It works for me.

I don’t really care if they don’t know how to run a house.  When the time comes, they will figure it out.  Everybody does. There were a lot of things that I didn’t know about when I was a teenager and I learned pretty quickly.  I also think you can learn by actually watching someone do something.

Glad to know I’m not the only one whose children act as if they’ve been ordered to spin straw into gold when asked to set the table. (Yes, dear, we *will* be needing silverware and glasses. Just like every other day.)

Okay this is the 2nd article I have read this week by you and it is just as HYSTERICAL as the other one!!  Wow - do you have a gift :)

And when they are gone and the place is clean and empty, you will wish for them back to snuggle up with their dirty faces and food-stained fingers.  After a few years of sleep, therapy and decompression, you will gladly trade that silk blouse and orderly family room for a bit of rumpus and a milk stain on the back side of the shoulder.

It all goes so fast - I look forward to less dirt tracked in and fewer mysterious toy parts in opposite ends/floors of the house, (hopefully) no more disapproving looks from family regarding the behavior of the kids, helpful suggestions on how to get them (or me) to behave and eat vegetables, the end of spontaneous dust bunny generation and the perpetual sense of failure for the messes and the bathroom that is still unpainted after the remodel 3 years ago….. 

But I miss the kids in advance, knowing one day it will be just me and hubby.  Somehow we will be in this very room looking back to the old days and noticing how quiet and clean it is and missing the sweaty little head snuggling in at night on my shoulder…. Doesn’t time go faster every day?  Okay not so much when they are babies and time seems to creep past and you wonder if you’ll ever sleep again or if they will ever actually become civilized humans.

It will be nice, for a while, but in the end, a little mess, chaos and unidentifiable stains on the floor are little symbols of our family’s love for each other.  After all, I could have given up after the first 5 miscarraiges and the three failed adoptions and been smart, wealthy and clean but missed out on all this. I could have a granite countertop, double oven and cleaning lady! 

So hang in there moms…soon enough it will be over!

yeah. The sad part is that I trained my boy to do laundry at 7 (quite well) and this article is still terribly funny. He does the laundry for himself and his little sister and brother, and I still have to point out that there’s a half-eaten ear of corn on the cob in the middle of the floor.

The best part was the payoff of the final sentence!  Hahaha!  I adore your total lack of sanctimony.

“What’s that smear?”  I LOVE it!  Very funny post!

As a mom of 11 I’m always presented with a barrage of parenting questions from people of all walks of life, family size, etc. By far the most common questions I’m asked are:  “How do you make your kids do as you ask?” “How do you get them to go to bed?” “Don’t they mind looking after their younger siblings?! My kids can hardly stand to be in the same room!”

Truly, deep down I’m at a loss to answer, as I never expected them to think they had the option to refuse…and neither do they!

Your blog was humorous (which I always appreciate as humour gets me through many a day!:)), but I feel that we have a real problem in our current society ~ children are overindulged and parents are enjoying them so much less than they could be. Our children (ages 2 1/2 to 26) are an incredible help to us and are turning out to be really remarkable adults.

Don’t expect perfection from a young child, of course, but perserve and resist the urge to do for them, what they will eventually do for you without question. Sometimes we forget that a child is an adult in training and we have so little time for that accomplishment!

The last sentence by mom of 11 says what we all tend to forget, I believe.  “Sometimes we forget that a child is an adult in training”.  I failed a lot in my parenting but tried to make sure they could survive on their own when they left home.  All 6 had to know some basic cooking (and the shopping necessary for it), how to sort and do laundry, how to make things presentable in 5 minutes, and how to clean a bathroom.  They could branch out from there (or not!)- it was their choice, but they had a few basics.  I guess it was worth it.  I did get thanked!  :)

nincompoopery.  Excellent.  I will be stealing that.

Every time I try to console myself with the thought of the kids being grown one day, it just makes me sad.  It also reminds me that my goal in cleaning is not cleanliness for its own sake, but to make a nice place for all of us to enjoy together.

and now I have the Stones in my head.

You do realize that you are resetting the clock for another 18 years with your latest blessed addition?  ;-)

Another wonderful post…but I’m going to go all holy roller:  Can you just imagine how God feels dealing with us, His children, and all our nincompoopery?

As a counselor, allow me to share some counsel.  The successful parental discipline of a child is accomplished by mastering the attitude that conveys a God-given authority.  When a parent conveys that authority in his or her behavior, the child will submit naturally.  Just as it is in our best interest to submit to authority, so too, it is in a child’s best interest.  In doing so, a child learns dicipline, develops respect, and a sense of self-worth.  The attitude one needs to convey consists of four qualitites: act like you know what you’re doing, why your doing it, what you want, and that the child is going to do what you want in the way you want it.  It’s called “positive expectation.”  As such, the statement, “Because I said so!” is a perfectly legitimate expression of parental authority.  Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Wow. I’m amazed anyone thinks this article is funny. It’s not. Oh, it’s funny in parts, but it’s fundamentally and profoundly sad.

Yes, down with jokes, harumph harumph.  My dear Maria, I think you may find the world a little less profoundly sad if you don’t assume that everything you read is an accurate description of what literally happens. 

.

I think some of the readers missed the point that the only way I could discover how hard it is to train kids to help is if I had long and consistent experience with that training.  So fear not, ye who mourn for today’s youth:  my kids cook, do laundry, clean bathrooms, take out the garbage, and so on. 

.

I also think that many well-meaning disciplinarians forget that, while we parents are here to teach our children that God deserves respect and obedience, we are also their chief models of the divine qualities of mercy, patience, and forgiveness.  I, for one, am glad that God shows me kindness and compassion as well as justice and high expectations; and I hope that I am extending that example to my kids.

Maria,
I think what makes Simcha’s writing funny, a isn’t necessarily completely serious.  Which is why it’s funny.  On the other hand, there is much truth to her writing.  Which is exactly why we need to laugh about it.  Because if one takes family life too seriously, you could go a little crazy.  (And I mean actually Crazy, not the crazy moms everywhere sometimes feel.)

Ah, I need to proof read better! I meant to say “I think what makes Simcha’s writing funny is that she isn’t necessarily completely serious.”  I think I need more sleep!

It’s not funny, Maria.

It’s hilarious.

One of my friends said “She has SPIES in our house.”  As I recently told my Dad after explaining how my kids have the same problems cleaning up after themselves that I and my brother did:  “The circle is now complete.”  He appreciated that.

>“Don’t they mind looking after their younger siblings?! My kids can >hardly stand to be in the same room!”

>Truly, deep down I’m at a loss to answer, as I never expected them to >think they had the option to refuse…and neither do they!

Maybe they can’t refuse now, but they will later. My grandmother resented taking care of her younger siblings so much that when she got married, she and her husband had only one kid. “There is no way am I putting my daughter through what happened to me. I was sick of changing diapers before I even started dating !”

No worries, Simcha. I got that this wasn’t a totally accurate description of what literally happens in your home the first time. I also am not opposed to jokes, and admit you made some funny ones. But some things are simply not funny, and stating them with a chuckle and a wink doesn’t overcome that.

Maria, I find your lack of a sense of humor profoundly sad, personally.

Loved the article, Simcha!

I know I’ll regret pursuing this, but I’m actually really curious what it was in my article that was “simply not funny?”

Maria, I think you’re misunderstanding Simcha. What is funny is that she perfectly depicts the ongoing *struggle* to train children. It would be profoundly sad if she really meant, “It’s easier to martyr myself than rear my children.” But if you’ve read all of her other writing, you would know that she’s a terrific parent with terrific kids. She would never actually forget her duty to train her children, and I for one need someone like her to model for me the patience my parents never had.

The.
kid.
who.
moves.
slowly.
Oh my gosh.  My 2 year old.  And I keep reminding myself that she’s only 2!  She can only move so fast!

I imagine I will regret pursuing this, too, but it is a fair question.
So, your X year old child reads that Mom is looking forward to the day that the house is empty; the kids are gone. She can finally have a truly clean home, and without aggravation, disrespect or suffering. Happiness at last! You think he/she’s going to be thinking, “Oh, Mom! You are too funny!”? Whether you’re actually looking forward to that day or not, just expressing it in this way is, if not profoundly sad (though I happen to think it is), at least in no way funny.
It may be that our children (we have 9, ranging in age from 27-3) are more sensitive than yours, but, because I thought we’d have fun reading this together, I called those who are home over. While we did laugh at first, no one was even smiling by the end. That was their natural reaction; I hadn’t said a word.
I don’t have much time, but I would like to better explain. I am appending a portion of a talk I wrote to do just that. That way, if you’d rather, you can easily avoid it.
God bless, Maria

Talk excerpt:
We have been homeschooling for 17 years. For the past four, we have worked to homeschool while dealing with our young daughter’s leukemia. We’ve had to use summers to get everything done. I had thought that when she finished her two and a half years of daily chemo things would be easier. They were easier in some respects,  but it was as if, because I didn’t have to be prepared to dash off with her in the dead of night for antibiotics, my alert level dropped. It didn’t just drop. It plummeted. I didn’t even have an alert level. I had comatose and semi-comatose. I asked myself what God wanted from us? That’s always the only question. He knows best, and He wills only what is good. He’s a bit cagey,though. I sometimes think wistfully of burning bushes and booming voices…even being struck by a lightning bolt seems appealing. At least it’s definite.
      We don’t really need booming voices or lightning bolts. If we did, God would provide them. He gave us reason, common sense, and the ability to make prudent decisions. The fact that one can be termed a responsible parent implies that one can also be termed the contrary: irresponsible. God can bring good out of evil, as the Incarnation attests. We need to distinguish between difficulties which we bring upon ourselves and crosses which God allows us to carry. We should not justify our bad choices by declaring the resulting chaos a cross allowed by God.
      I make a distinction between parenting and academics, and feel an obligation to meet both these educational responsibilities to the best of my ability having taken them on. Parenting has never been a problem…It’s a joy. Getting all the academics done amidst childhood cancer and chemo…well, there are a lot of things I did with the older children that I just didn’t have the time or the energy to do with the younger ones. What bothered me most was watching children who were dutiful and generally eager work day after day with minimal input from me. I was sad to see the younger children struggle with what was a beautiful time for their older siblings. I was sad to see older children work almost completely on their own. We don’t have the opportunity to delight in these things together for very long. I was sad at what was being missed.
  My mistake was to cling to my hope for these children, to forget that they are more God’s than ours and to be so arrogant as to imagine that my plans for them were better than His. I didn’t express it to myself that way, or even think of it that way. I lived that way, thoughtlessly. I suffered needlessly for it, and made my life more difficult than it was meant to be. As a result, I became disheartened and sad. Time with our children felt like water in my hands, relentlessly dripping away despite my every effort to hold it in my grasp. It was never meant to be held in my grasp. I worked to deflect the weight of this cross from the shoulders of our children.  Cancer seemed less ugly if I could cage it and keep it from touching anything other than what it must. In my pride, I imagined I could take on every cross. I was motivated by love, but not by Love Itself. I wanted to limit our children’s suffering, forgetting that suffering teaches us, transforms us, and Christ “makes all things new”.  Even crosses become so beautiful I know no words to describe that. They ought to be embraced as lovingly as they were fashioned. We ought to trust that God has greater care for these children than we do.  I’m still an idiot, but I’m not as big an idiot.
      Our children have a different perspective than I did on those years of chemo. They worked hard, and had the satisfaction of knowing they helped share the burden of this cross through diligence and perseverance. They often worked together or in pairs instead of with me and so formed closer bonds with their siblings. After studying, they were free to roam and play inventive games in imaginary worlds long forgotten by their peers. They were free to be children, while they worked at being the children of God they were made to be.
    We’re enjoying our days together despite the fact that they are sometimes long, some subjects are not that gripping, and we get up on the wrong side of bed from time to time.I’m a little worried about my own energy level and hope our children don’t judge our living books by how long it takes Mom to fall asleep while reading one.
    It is because our children have generally been cheerfully obedient that I only see puffs of smoke when I turn around fast. Without their help, I’d have burnt completely out long ago. I’d be a little pile of ashes you could blow about and maybe I would finally be part of a decent nature study. Mother Theresa spoke beautifully about obedience: “Try to excel in obedience. God wants you to do His work in His way. You are infallible when you obey.” Of all the habits I hope to foster in myself and our children, this is the one that is paramount and the one which I know will best lead us back to Him. There are very few people who can’t do very well without me. There’s exactly 9 of them. I don’t always serve them as well as I should, but I am always aiming higher. Mother Theresa is helping me. Not only am I infallible when I obey, I’m unstoppable.
    Mother Theresa prized joy. She said joy was the mark of love and the outward sign of sacrifice joined to Christ’s. Along with joy she spoke of the peace of Christ felt by those living His will. Children so naturally strew joy all about them, it’s hard to miss when you get to delight in them all day every day. In order for children to feel joy as well as give it, they must see the smile on your face and hear the peace of a contented heart in your voice. Too often the only thing visible is the strain of too many things clamoring for our attention. But are there ever too many things, or do we just think there are?
    I am excited about the coming year and am in the midst of reworking our syllabi to suit each of our children, and to incorporate some things for which I have great hope. Whatever we use, what makes it work well and happily despite inherent shortcomings is my being there to guide and encourage.
  The joy of homeschooling begins by having our children home. If it stops there, and we work mightily to encourage independent learning, we’re missing far greater joys. Not only are we missing joys that cannot be reclaimed, our children miss out on a parent that belongs, in justice, to them FIRST. Our children delight in us. I’m not any more delightful than the rest of you, and am at times decidedly unpleasant, but our children don’t seem to realize this.  These days with them are so limited and pass so quickly. Nothing ought to come between us and time with our children. I do not hope for independent learners. I expect them. It’s a natural part of growing up. Until that day, I will sit beside one child or another and be grateful for the opportunity.
      My best does not always look like much, but, then again, I don’t always _do_ my _best_ either. I more often need others to remind me to do my best than I need anyone to warn me about over-doing. I’m pretty good at making sure I don’t overdo. Sometimes it sneaks past me, but I usually catch it. I need to be patient with our children despite the many reasons why that’s difficult. When I’m tempted to respond sharply to repeated offenses, I need to consider why it is that, if the phone rang in the middle of a thermonuclear moment, I’d answer it with a pleasant, ÒHello?Ó Why is it that I see clearly the mental agony of moving from grade to grade, subject to subject, but have less appreciation for the loneliness of independent learning? I need to be as patient with others as I am with myself. I probably don’t need to be as gentle with them because I’m not an ungentle person…What’s far more likely is that I need to be less gentle with myself and then I would be consistent as well as just.

I wrote a (rather long) response but got a notice it must be approved before it can be posted. Just wanted you to know I appreciate your comments and am not ignoring you. :)

Okay, thanks for letting me know!  I’ll see if I can speed up the approval.

Maria, I think the problem is that when people have been through profound suffering, they tend to see everything through that lens.  This is understandable, but it’s not especially fair to the writer.  You have an insight that I don’t have.

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But I, living a different life, have an insight that you don’t have.  Your insight may be more uplifting, but mine may very well be helpful to an entirely different type of audience—specifically, people who are struggling very hard to raise their children right, and yet their lives don’t match up to the photos in the mommy blogs where—you know, the kids are all wearing homemade dresses and sitting quietly at a polished table while Pater gashions hand-carved ocarinas in preparation for St. Crispin’s Day.

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I’m not saying that’s how you portrayed your life; I’m saying that there is an awful lot of people do, and never speak about their trials.  There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s not a balanced picture of family life, just as the post I wrote is not (and was not intended to be) a balanced picture of family life.  It’s just a sliver, and should be taken as such.

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I realize I’m sounding extremely over-important here, but I regularly get emails from struggling young mothers who say, “THANK YOU for letting me know it’s okay to laugh about this stuff.  I was really starting to think I’m the only one who ever struggles, and I thought I was ruining my kids.” 

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As far as what my children would think if they read it—this is going to sound stupid, but I generally don’t let my children read what I write.  It’s not geared toward kids; it’s written for adults.  And I realize that not every adult is in a position to enjoy what I write, either.  But you know, I’m not Everything Writer Who Speaks To All, I’m just some lady with a keyboard. 

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I do sincerely apologize if I missed the point of your note.  I don’t have as much time as I’d like to respond.  Please just remember that if you hear somebody joking about being frustrated with their children, it doesn’t necessarily reflect some deep disorder in the family.  You want to know the truth?  I spent most of this week crying my eyes out because my kids went back to school, and this is the first time in seven years that no one is homeschooling.  I’m working hard at finding the good in my new, unavoidable situation, just as you are.

Hello again, Simcha,
Having the opportunity to more thoroughly consider the question allowed us to better understand each other, how family life is lived out, and how to possibly help.
You, by the way, are still a total fruitcake. :) Just kidding. :) Really…I mean, I really am kidding. :)
You _were_ a little snotty when you harumphed. :) Is there a polite, charitable, respectful way to do that by anything that is not a camel? I think not. :)
I am so sorry to imagine your tears, but appreciate how you feel. Not only do I think you will find the good God has hidden in this unavoidable cross, I’m pretty sure you will help others through your experience. That does not take away the cross, but it does somehow sweeten it.
By the way, the excerpt I sent was written 6 years ago. Our daughter is cancer free now. She’s doing very well. I did not mention it, but our eldest son has Down Syndrome. We will always have a child at home. This may have made me more sensitive to your post, though, frankly, I think not. I have an irascible nature and am easily aroused. :)
You do write well and you are funny. Further, it is obvious you are helpful to many. I wish I could say well done good and faithful servant, but I feel certain you could do better. And if you can, you surely should try.
I was so proud of you…and grateful for the good example….when you said you were trying to find the good in what is your new, painful but unavoidable situation. I wish I could help, but know God has you covered.

I often read your posts out loud to my children, they think you are very funny.

You recently saved a very hectic morning from an agony of bad feelings.  All I had to say is, “Remember what Simcha wrote?” and soon we were all laughing about our problems.

In addition to the mechanics of living I want them to know how to laugh at life.  You help with that.

Thank you.

@Marie - thanks for taking the time to talk this through, and I’m glad to hear that your daughter is healthy again!  I’m not too disappointed that you have to withhold your “good and faithful servant” pronouncement from me, since those words are supposed to come from the Lord—I’ll be content to hear whether or not He thinks I did my job well.  However, your comment did unsettle me enough that today, I asked my kids if they thought I was looking forward to the day they would leave the house.  They all laughed and said, “No!”  So, that settles that.  Cheers!

Simcha-
“I also think that many well-meaning disciplinarians forget that, while we parents are here to teach our children that God deserves respect and obedience, we are also their chief models of the divine qualities of mercy, patience, and forgiveness.  I, for one, am glad that God shows me kindness and compassion as well as justice and high expectations; and I hope that I am extending that example to my kids.”

That was beautiful. Thank you, I needed to read that. As I wrote earlier, I am a naturally disorderly person and it has been a hard way to live lol.  so I am determined that my children will be neat and organized, and lately I am being convicted- mostly by your bog post- that I am being harsh with them in this area. I read too many magazines with beautiful organized homes and I want one so bad, it drives me nuts when my home doesn’t look the same. I think I should throw those magazines out for awhile.

@ Simcha- Adding my cheers to yours…and those of your children. :)
I thought you, and, perhaps, some of your readers, might find the following prayer encouraging….in case you don’t already know it.

The everlasting God has in His wisdom foreseen from eternity the cross He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost heart. This cross He now sends you He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with His divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with loving arms, and weighed with His own hands to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you. He has blessed it with His holy name, anointed it with His grace, perfumed it with His consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage, and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the all merciful love of God.
St. Francis de Sales

Also just like to add…I’m glad my parents were happy to have an empty nest. Took a lot of pressure off of me and my brother, and it made me feel secure knowing my parents were looking forward to spending time together in retirement, instead of getting a divorce after the kids flee the nest.

Simcha:  This is a terribly funny post, and so true.  The idea that teaching kids to work actually makes things easier?  Well, yes, eventually—but some stuff isn’t going to be very important to them until it starts to matter to a roommate, husband, or they get sick of living amongst trash.

Thank you for the last line. Re: whether your kids would think it was funny—it depends on family culture.  Mine would think it was hilarious, because they’re awesome little snarks themselves, and we’re of Irish heritage and show our love with snark frequently.  And I want them to be able to laugh at themselves.  Of course, this isn’t everyone’s family culture, and some people would hate it—but then, we’d probably hate theirs equally (not the people, the family cultural norms.  Every family is like a little country after all).  So my guess is that your kids, depending on age, would know exactly what you were up to and would kind it hilarious, because my guess is they probably share your sense of humor, and know how much you love them, too. 

Finally—I feel your pain, mine are all at school now, too.  How did that happen????

Simcha, I love your blog posts.

Simcha - Just wanted to say how much I love your posts.  I am a mom who is “well acquainted” with suffering.  I have a child who has Dravet syndrome, one of the most severe forms of epilepsy.  I live every day watching him have seizure after seizure - and knowing that he may go to sleep one night and never wake up.  My child will never leave our home (though I’d give my right arm for him to be able to!). All of that said, I always find your writing inspiring and uplifting.  You make me laugh - something I am in constant need of.  For me, it is obvious that what you say is half serious and half joking.  Truthfully, I have many moments when I just want to jump in my car and never look back.  That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or a bad Catholic - it just means I’m human.  In those moments, I have to breathe and say a prayer…and sometimes, look to blogs like yours to help me to LIGHTEN UP!!!! Being a mother is such a cross and such a gift - and I’m so thankful for you and the wisdom and truth you communicate…through your humor!!!

When you get a chance, check out my blog - unfortunately, I tend to be very serious on my blog…I definitely need to learn from you and find the humor in the cross :)
www.kaelsstory.blogspot.com

God bless you, Simcha…you really are a gift of joy to so many of us:)

Simcha, I found your blog through a link on another Catholic site and it’s great.  My husband kind of shakes his head and tries to forget he knows me when I’m on my laptop across the table from him laughing hysterically till tears roll down my face.  We have five children, 20 to 30 years old.  I get it.  Maybe Father was an only child.  I was venting to a friend years ago whose six kids were all grown and out of the house.  She told me she used to get a couple of magazines and sit on the floor in their rooms while they cleaned and point them at this pile of clothes and that mess of toys when they thought they were done.  She found a lot of good recipes and the kids finally got so aggravated they cleaned up reasonably well just to keep her out of their rooms.  It worked pretty well for me.  I was the do over person at our house.  It would have really cut down on the do overs if my husband had seen the value of that instead of just yelling about what didn’t get done.  sigh.  And I have the answer to the question of why kids leave their dirty clothes 2 inches away from the hamper.  It’s genetic and comes through the father.  There is a variant in the children that causes them to avoid the hamper.  The pure form is apparent in the father.  That’s why he drops his dirty clothes on the floor RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR TO THE LAUNDRY CHUTE. That he’s standing in front of while he gets his toothbrush and razor every day.  This from a man who qualifies for membership in Mensa.

...and you’ll miss them.  But you’ll get over it and move on with   your life, but you’ll find they’ve left you wrinkled, achey and slow.

From what I have read it would seem that the arrival of grandchildren hasn’t happened yet. You may want to enjoy your empty nest until they arrive. With so many mothers working these days many of the grandchildren end up in the empty nest. The only difference is they go home at the end of the day or weekend or week of summer vacation!!

Thank you for this wonderful blog post.  I so needed to hear it today.  Thank you for sharing a part of yourself.
Nan

Bonnie, no, don’t tell me it’s genetically inherited from the father!  My husband is kind of hopeless with cleaning.  God bless him, he tries.  But I swear he has some kind of attention disorder that only affects cleaning.  He has no concept of quickly tidying up.  It is either spring-style deep clean involving hours spent hand-scrubbing the baseboards, or nothing.  It’s very hard for me to deal with when we have people coming to the house (“They won’t know there’s dust on top of the fans, I promise, but they will notice that there are four pairs of socks on the living room floor”).  The thought that I may someday live in a house full of people who clean that way instead of just one…that’s disturbing.

Maria, I really enjoyed reading your long post that contained the talk you gave. There were many places where I saw myself, many lovely reflections on homeschooling, and I’m going to save it for referencing later. I am very glad that your daughter is well and that all your kids came away with valuable growth and a wonderful attitude.

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That said, my own personal opinion about Simcha would be that she is doing a very good job in God’s eyes. (Although, like your opinion, it is based only on what I see online, as I do not know her personally.) I need her irreverent attitude and sharp humor the same way I need serious, meditative reflections - because both styles can contain profound truths, expressed in different ways. While I do need to be “less gentle” with myself, as you noted well in your talk, I also need to know what reality is for other Catholic families so I do not judge myself so harshly - a sin that also ends up burdening my family. God bless.

Dear Denise,
Thanks for your note. It was much appreciated and also made me realize I was unclear in what is, in fact, a rather significant point. I’d like to correct that, and hope this does the job:
When I said,
“You do write well and you are funny. Further, it is obvious you are helpful to many. I wish I could say well done good and faithful servant, but I feel certain you could do better. And if you can, you surely should try.”
I was speaking of her _writing_, not her life, parenting, or anything else.
This is the first time I ever read anything Simcha wrote and I have no idea what her life is like. She writes well; I just happen to think she has the God-given ability to write even better and hope she’ll try.
Thanks again for taking the time to write, and for helping me to see what must have been rather hurtful and offensive to any who took it as you did. I hope this corrects that.

Even though I am now a grandmother, you just described my life as a mother of 6.  I am still feeling guilty because my children never fell for the “chores are a game” gambit, had to do their jobs over again until done properly, and would hold it over my head like an anvil that I didn’t appreciate what they DID do, however badly!!!
I still have to hold my tongue when a male, or childless, colleague starts in on the “I hate people who are never satisfied with a person’s effort” routine…. grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

great ending

It’s funny… my mother grew up in a home where her parents were always talking (in earshot of the kids) about how they couldn’t wait for everyone to grow up and get out of the house.  My mom vowed never to talk like that to her own kids… and she never did.  Never.  She took us everywhere, even when she and my dad went out to dinner for their wedding anniversary!  I remember literally BEGGING her to leave us kids at home so she could enjoy time with Dad alone.  She always replied that she never wanted to leave part of the family behind (ie the kids) to enjoy time with just part of the family (ie, my dad).  We were a family, she said, and we did everything together!  I “got” the message she was trying to send.  But it has been a GREAT joy to me as an adult to see her and my dad doing stuff together without “the kids” tagging along all the time.  I love date nights with my husband and am glad my mom is FINALLY having some with my dad!  I would feel nothing but burdened at this point in my life (with my own small kids) if I thought my parents still wanted me hanging around their house all the time and being part of everything.  I am happy to see my parents enjoying their “couple time” (finally!) And, as someone who grew up with a mom who made every event a whole-family event… I am raising my kids to respect that my husband and I go on the occassional date night ALONE!!  Will my kids grow up like my mom, vowing to take *their* kids with them anytime they go out?  Probably so!  If they do, I will just tell them the story of their grandma… and I am sure no one will be the worse for it!

You realize your dream of an empty house will never come true, right? Because be then….you will have grandchildren. Just sayin’. ;)

I don’t have time to read all of this, but I saw Maria’s comments and I would like to say that my son almost died of stage IV cancer and my sister with six children almost died of cancer this spring, and I home school and have a wicked frickin’ messy house and I think Simcha is a riot.

It is really unbecoming to start “playing the cancer card.”  It sort of cheapens it, and might take away a bit of redemption your suffering earned you. 

Some people have a highly developed sense of humor and emotional mastery that allows them delight in the follies of this life, seeing them in the eternal perspective.  Much like a painting that is the result of the masterful underlaying of complementary colors and the thick blob here and feathery stroke there, some people create beauty and truth with words by creating an undertone of sweet sadness and a blob of sarcasm here and a deft light stroke of introspection there.  If you get all offended at a red slash in this corner and don’t step back an see the whole painting, it is you who is missing something, not the artist.

Simcha’s writing is loved because she sees and communicates truth and beauty and love and has mastered the craft of writing.  Step back, Maria.

I heard a quote that “a life without humor is like a cart without wheels, forced to take the full brunt of every rut in the road.”  I will pray for your families.

Simcha,

Your post inspired me. Helpers have been on my mind lately too. :) http://marymission.blogspot.com/2011/09/mama-mondays-raising-helpers.html

@Laura,
I’m grateful both your son and sister are better now, and will pray they stay healthy and happy.
To share experiences that have taught one so much that is good, true and beautiful is not to play any type of card. In fact, to share them is to increase the good already there. You don’t hide light just because it happens to entail childhood cancer. What’s most amazing to me is how much joy, and how many blessings, there was in something that I had always imagined would never have much of either. I sent only a portion of that talk because even that was kinda long, and it said what I wanted to say: you don’t have to do everything yourself, things don’t have to be the way you think they should be, and, in fact, we might all be better off if we don’t insist on that. Children are far more capable than we give them credit for, and allowing them to help is good for everyone, often in ways you never even dreamed of. Pope Benedict expresses this beautifully: “Even suffering is part of the truth of our life. Thus, trying to shield the youngest from every difficulty and experience of suffering, we risk creating, despite our good intentions, fragile persons of little generosity: The capacity to love, in fact, corresponds to the capacity to suffer, and to suffer together.” 
There are seasons to life, and each holds its own beauty. For however long our children are with us, I will be happy they’re here. And when they’re doing whatever it is God has planned for them, I’ll be happy that part of our parenting is successfully accomplished. I’ve never been sad at the prospect of children leaving home because that’s kinda the point. :) I will miss them, I’m sure, but not to the point of sorrowing. It’s painful when children can’t leave. Not that sad, though, because our God is such an awesome God _all_ things work for good, often in very surprising, lovely ways….something our son is teaching us every day. :)
I do admit that I did think of the parents I know whose children are no longer here when I read how great it was going to be when the kids were all gone, the house empty. I don’t think that’s an unworthy or melodramatic connection. Knowing them does make me better appreciate each and every day…even the not so good/frustrating ones. Thinking of them might have a similar good effect on others. 
Lastly, while I appreciate the concern and know you can’t know this as you don’t know us, we have a decent sense of humor around here, and plenty of people to laugh with, so no worries about being stuck wheel-less and buffeted about by life’s little tempests and pot-holes. ;)

@Marymission: Your blog post was delightful. Thank you!

I sent in a response, Laura, but it requires approval. Since you were so kind as to take the time to write, I just wanted you to know I did try to respond. I’m happy your son and sister are well. We’ll keep them in our prayers.
@Mama-Mondays: Wonderful blog post!

Maira, the nice thing is that you want to raise your children to get to heaven.  From years of reading Mrs. Fisher, I feel confident that is her goal, also.  And it’s mine!  So we’re all on the same team, we just have different styles of communicating and different needs in looking for support.

If the way she writes isn’t your cup of tea, you don’t need to read her blogs.  But be at peace, she is a good woman and good people are consoled and encouraged by her.  Perhaps if you do read more of her writing you will begin to see what she is really all about.

Dear Laura,

“If the way she writes isn’t your cup of tea, you don’t need to read her blogs.”

Absolutely true. I know better now. :)

“But be at peace, she is a good woman and good people are consoled and encouraged by her.”

I was never not at peace about this, nor wondering about it, as one could easily gather from reading my posts. I just don’t think everything is funny.

I did feel an obligation to respond initially, but no longer do. I’m fine with disagreement and only wanted to avoid real misunderstanding.

Oh thank you a million times for writing this! I have six children, the oldest is 8 (with special needs) and the youngest is 8 months. I am constantly being told, by well meaning naive individuals, that I should make them do more work so I’m not so stressed. You’ve summed it up. My only complaint is I would LOVE to hear more of your discriptions of all the ‘inbetweens’! God Bless!

I personally don’t find the Henny Youngman-type “humor” funny (“Take my wife, please!”). So when you call them nincompoops or weirdos, please realize there are readers who won’t say, “BWAHAHA! That’s hilarious!” they’ll say, “Aww…that’s sad.”

But here’s the thing - children are the most frustrating because they are just like us.

Oh my gosh, Simcha, I love you!!! You are hilarious and clearly such a wonderful mother. Thank you for your wonderful, motherly insights and wisdom lol

I loved this! And as a blogger I can relate to the irony of doing more writing in the comments than in the actual main piece.

Wow!  First I enjoyed your article, then I was shocked by the controversy it stirred!  Keeping a good sense of humour about these things and even throwing in a little exaggeration is what keeps us grounded during the crazy years of many little mess makers and no teens yet.  We have a book called “Funny things our kids have said” and I have a facebook album called “Yikes!” that includes pictures of disasters our kids have created.  These have provided many a laugh in discouraging times and have given great relief to friends who realize that their kids are “normal.”  It doesn’t mean that we don’t TRY to get the cocker spaniel to type in Manderin, we just are capable of being amused by it!

Hi Dawn,

Knowing Maria in real life I can attest to her sense of humor.  Moreover, she has written some side splitting, roll on the floor laughing posts through the years.  Yet, even while retelling some of the things her children have said and done, her humor doesn’t come at the expense of them.  Society dishes out plenty of support for that I know.  Just yesterday, while at the coffee shop for a Mommy date with one of my younger kids, a woman loudly proclaimed that parenting was like being pecked to death by chickens.  My daughter was understandably dismayed - she’s seen how vicious chickens can be!  Yet all the woman’s mommy friends laughed and agreed.  I refrained from saying that being in a room with main-stream moms is like dental work without anesthesia, but did tell the man who was taking our order that I didn’t feel that way about my children.  Yes, life with littles is crazy and sometimes completely overwhelming.  Yet we all know they are Gifts from God to be enjoyed and treasured. We mustn’t forget that they hear what we say - and may well read what we write.

“It is really unbecoming to start ‘playing the cancer card.’”

Laura - I’m not sure if you can’t see the irony in what you wrote here.

@Sabine:  I don’t know about Laura, but I didn’t see any irony in her comment.  Laura wasn’t trying to prove anything by mentioning her child’s cancer - she was just saying, “Nuh-uh—all kinds of people have kids with cancer.”  For what it’s worth, I’ve known Laura online for many years and have always been impressed by both her obvious devotion to her kids, and her incredible smart mouth.  I only found out through this comment that one of her kids had cancer. 

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I really liked the comment above where someone said that different families are like different countries, with their own language and customs.  It’s very easy to offend and be offended if you’re not familiar with the culture—but that doesn’t mean there’s something intrinsically wrong with the culture. 

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I understand what y’all are saying:  it’s extremely important to let your children know that you love them and treasure your time with them.  Just please be aware that some people say those very things to their children—just not in the same language as you use.  My kids speak my language well.  It does pay to be bilingual—saves your from dismissing entire groups of people just because their customs vary.

I can give you an example of this kind of cultural misunderstanding—not with kids, but it’s the same idea.  Several years ago, I was looking for a shirt, and my husband said, “Oh, I threw that in the wash.”  This was very nice of him, because laundry is my job, and he had done a load as a favor to me, and I knew it.  So I said, “Gee, thanks a LOT.  NOW what am I supposed to wear?” 

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Someone standing in the next room was horrified, and chastised me for being so ungrateful to my husband.  What she didn’t know was that I made that response for three reasons:  one, because I knew it would make him laugh (and it did); two, because I knew he doesn’t like it when people gush over him; and three, because I was subtly making fun of myself because we both knew I had (have) a tendency to be self-centered.  He got all of these things.  He heard what I was saying, which was “Thank you!  I love you.”

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There would not have been anything wrong with saying, “Thank you,I love you” in so many words—but what I did say had a huge and loving freight of context to go with it—which the other person, who overheard, didn’t understand, because she didn’t speak our language.

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I know that a child is not as perceptive as a spouse, and that we must be more careful what we saw to people who are only just forming their opinions of their own self worth.  But there really is much more variety in the ways we can say “I love you” than some of you guys are catching onto.

Gee, I kid around with my dh all the time - but have yet to say “Gosh, once you’re gone I’ll never have to pick up your socks again and that will be great,” because even though he’d likely chuckle, deep down that would sting.  It’s not thanking him for doing laundry, it’s picking on him for being less than perfect.  Just because I am pointing out another pov, please don’t assume that I don’t speak your language.  I do find your posts humorous most of the time and I agree that one needs to keep a sense of humor while raising kids.  However, what if those who read and laugh end up being grateful they chose a small family?  Or those who read and are grateful they chose dogs over kids?  Most women my age don’t have children at home anymore, esp. younger children.  Their houses are cleaner, their cars are newer and their clothes are fashionable.  I wouldn’t trade for anything, and neither, I suspect, would you.

While I identify with Simcha’s home and children, Maria’s inspires me to be the mom God is calling me to be. Over the years, Maria has made me uncomfortable more than once because I see the truth and beauty in her family life and at least for my family, it seems that my children’s shortcomings are more often than not, simply a reflection of my own.

Unlike you, I don’t know Laura but I do know Maria, both from many online forums and finally met her in person at a homeschool conference this past spring. When I happened on your blog today and came to those words in Laura’s post, they literally took my breath away. However, there is much more to this conversation than that one comment. I find it just a little sad but very common in the Catholic blogosphere to immediately accuse those conveying a contrary viewpoint of a) not having a developed sense of humor, b) not having emotional mastery or c) not comprehending cultural differences. It seems you are letting Maria and anyone who agreed or at least saw her point know that we just don’t speak your langauge. Hmmmm, what language were the women in the coffee shop who jokingly referred to parenting as being pecked to death by chickens speaking? Who hasn’t seen the myriad of back to school commercials celebrating parents ridding themselves of their off spring? There is plenty of support for those kinds of parenting thoughts and not much for the kind of parenting that calls us to be what God is calling us to be.

I don’t doubt that you, Simcha, are and continually strive to be a good mother to your children. As in all good families, the parents’ ability to laugh at themselves is a must! I read your post the other day about emulating Mary and what aspect of her parenting struck you. Your words struck me in a very profound way though I can’t say why as I’d rather not be accused of playing one card or another for revealing our family’s experience! However, these words from your post are very helpful to the conversation we’re having now, “Help me to see as Mary sees.  Sin blinds and divides us; but grace reveals, and grace gives us strength.”

Furthermore, I have no doubt that God has a terrific sense of humor; he surely expects us to keep a sense of humor and be able to laugh at all the misadventures and messes we’ve created in our homes. However, just because it’s easy enough to have fun at the expense of others, especially our children as they give us so much to material to work with, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily the right thing to do. It might not be wrong but there are cases when it is. While in your comment you mentioned your children don’t believe you’ll be happy when they leave, that is not what you wrote.

These discussions can be helpful in our growth as mothers/parents though many times, they are also an avenue to seriously hurt people’s feelings, especially mothers’, particularly when someone hints that we should aspire to more than what we currently are. It seems to be that whole “shoot the messenger” syndrome.

No, Simcha, not ironic about Laura’s child’s cancer or her sibling’s but simply how unbecoming it was for her to accuse Maria of “playing the cancer card.” Hence I only quoted those words since that is where the irony is.

This post made my day! :) Thanks, Simcha. I always come over here or to your blog to pick me up when I’m having a blah day.

Btw, I *was* that slow, slow, slow child. Ask my mother. It took me 4 hrs to clean the kitchen at night (we DID have 8 people in the house, but still…).

I know what you mean, and this was a needed light note in my day.  I used to say the same thing.  But I have found 2 things that really do help!  That doesn’t mean my kids are smiling angels who *love* chore time, BUT, they do them.  1, get the kids while they are young (usually age 2) and actually want to help. Then they get used to it with a minimal amount of whining. At this point don’t worry that they don’t do it right, praise their efforts and smilingly do it yourself when their backs are turned!
2, After you’re sure they do actually know how to clean a room, and are old enough to do it, here’s what I do.  Bake some cookies.  Set a timer for 15-20 minutes depending how bad the room is.  For most of that time you will need to keep checking on them like a referee, reminding them how much time they have left.  If they actually get the room clean by the time the timer dings, they can have a cookie break.  If not, well either way mommy wins.  All the cookies are for her.  Haha…and if you are wondering whether or not I’m fat, yes, yes I am.

I’m not offended and totally get what you’re saying.  Even when you LOVE being a mom, there are moments that are so frustrating it’s actually literally funny, and sometimes when I see a huge mess my kids have made I actually laugh because it’s comically bad. And who among us haven’t thought for a fleeting moment how great it will be when the kids are gone and you can polish the furniture once and not have to do it again 10 minutes later??  Sometimes it helps to know you’re not the only one who ever feels that way.  At the same time, this is a blog for Catholics who like being Catholics so it’s okay.  If it were on say…newsweek or something I’d be a little irked, because here I don’t necessarily have to always say how much I love my children and love my life as a busy mom of many who are sometimes ridiculously messy (and occasionally mouthy) it just goes without saying to people who know how it is because they’ve been there or are there.  It’s only through experience that I’ve seen how hard but how much of a blessing a big family really is, and that isn’t said enough.  It’s really a lot of fun, but that comes through in things you wrote.  However I really don’t think the world “gets it”.  Unfortunately these days, many Catholics don’t get it either, but I think most of your readers do.