Thank you for this! You have said exactly what I wanted to say. My husband and I battled anxiety, emotional baggage, etc. almost from day one of our relationship. We definitely didn’t fit the criteria for not being scared and having a smooth relationship from the start. Sometimes those trials are the crucible that prepares a couple for trials God has waiting down the line. In our case, the lessons in trust we learned during our dating years prepared us to battle infertility, which in turn prepared us to accept God’s will when our daughter was born with Down syndrome.

Their ideas are sound—to a point. But God works through people in many different ways, and I’ll tell you what, if I had read that post while we were dating it would have been excruciating, and misleading, fuel for the fires of anxiety that I was already struggling to overcome.

Oh Simcha, this is wonderful! I agree wholeheartedly. My husband and I have been through six years of a fiery marriage and we are much better people than we were when we started. If we had waited until things were perfect, we probably would have been waiting until one of us walked away. People are perfected through marriage, not the other way around.

I have to say that the Art of Manliness column fits my marriage and relationship to a T, and my entire relationship with my husband has been an ever-deepening progression from joy to joy. But I have known couples who have defied one or another of these mandates and have still turned out okay, generally.

Some of the happiness of my own marriage springs from having learned how not to be married from watching couples who, say, were not friends with each other, or whose relationship had not and did not progress smoothly.

“my entire relationship with my husband has been an ever-deepening progression from joy to joy”

That’s lovely, Mrs. Darwin, and I know that other amazing couples (Jen Fulwiler and her husband, I think, for instance) can say the same.  I didn’t object to the article as a description of married life, but only as a list of things that must apply to all engaged couples.

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I did date some unsuitable guys who didn’t make me happy, in imitation of disfunctional relationships that I had seen and identified as normal—so I know what you mean about having to learn how not to be married. 

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I guess the moral of the story is that it’s probably a bad idea to make criteria that apply to everyone, unless you’re the Church!

This is a beautifully written article, Simcha. I haven’t yet begun to discern my vocation, but this is a huge relief to me. I’m definitely one of those people who wants every piece to be in place before embarking on a big venture, so it’s good to know that everything about me (or my fiance) doesn’t have to be perfect before we marry. It’s probably common sense to you, or in general, but with so much in our society going wrong with marriage, it’s difficult to know how to make it go right.

God will make it work, if we put our trust in Him and are willing to be a humble servant.

Simcha, Jen and Joe Fulwiler are the most delightful couple and have an amazing marriage. They’re also both hysterically funny, which I think is a big asset for those who pursue nuptial bliss. If you don’t have a sense of humor when you get married, your kids will beat one into you.

Thanks for this. I am one of those who never felt happy and secure before my marriage. In fact, I struggled with depression that completely went away as soon as I met my future husband, which I took as a sign that he was the one.

I don’t know.  I’ve seen a couple of my friends in ridiculous relationships, who think everything will change once they get married.  My husband and I were just talking about this last night in fact.  There is something to be said for a smooth relationship, and I don’t think it means there have never been arguments or bumps in the road.  But I’ve seen a few couples who get married, or insist that they will one day get married, even though they have broken up and gotten back together more times than the rest of us care to count.  This makes no sense to me.

I think what it really boils down to is commitment.  Are both of the persons ready for such a commitment as marriage? Do they understand it as fully as they can?  Have they taken steps in their dating relationship that would strengthen a possible future marriage?  It’s so hard to write guidelines, because there is a caveat to every one, and each person’s marriage will be different from the next.

The funny thing about being married is that you really don’t know anything about it until after you’re married.  It’s like the scene in various movies where the actor has to pass through a wall of water - it seems like a good idea, but how do you know - you just can’t see the other side?  I hear myself giving advice to my single friends that I never would have listened to when I was single.  I’m newly married enough to know that it sounds crazy! and married long enough to know that it just might work. 

Very nice article!

I think that if you leave your future spouse in God’s hands, that He will surprise you. You won’t find the perfect man (or woman) that you are seeking on matchmaking websites.  Sometimes I think God sticks people together so they can work towards holiness together. In other words, they are far from the perfect person you were hoping for but you love them to bunches anyway. :)

I agree with Calah on her thoughts that if a couple waited til things were perfect, that moment truly would never come. This line also applies to married couples who postpone children. I’ve known non-Catholics who have said they were waiting to have kids until their debts were paid off, or they had enough money to get a house. While it sounds logical to the contraceptive culture to wait til things are “perfect” in life before bringing children into the world, it actually goes against everything IN the world. As we all know life itself is far from perfect. All of us have seen dreams crashed, suffering and loss and everything in-between. We know that there is no such perfect timeline to “get married” or “have children”.  It is in this imperfect world that God is trying to teach us and show us His ways. And He often does this in situations and people we least expect.

“Starting out with seamless calm and certainty might even bring troubles of its own: you might expect the entire marriage to go smoothly, and for the relationship to bring you nothing but strength and comfort”

Yup.

We have not gone seamlessly from joy to joy in our marriage.  We started out great, but hit an excruciatingly painful rough patch that proceeded after one of our kids was diagnosed with cancer.  Having begun everything “right”, we were not prepared for things to get so, so hard.  Now, though, we’ve found a place of joy that bears no comparison to the joys we had before adversity.

It’s funny.  When I read the “friends and family” one, I thought it was redundant with the “don’t change the other” one.  It reads to me that if they don’t get along now, it’s quite unlikely that this will magically change after the wedding (or even more so, after kids).

I think I’d word the AOM version a little differently: if your girlfriend doesn’t get along with your friends or family, your wife won’t either.  After marriage, your spouse outranks friends and other family, as well she must for the marriage to work.  You will see less of the friends and family.  You can’t expect to both marry a woman who hates your mother and spend many hours in your mother’s company.  If you’re fine choosing, go ahead, but you won’t be living in any Thomas Kinkaid painting.

Which I imagine Simcha would choose.

Recently, I read something a little brilliant. Paraphrased: “So what if you got married for all the wrong reasons? Stay together for the right reasons.” A lot of people who get married (myself included) HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY’RE GETTING THEMSELVES INTO. They are selfish and they’re marrying to serve themselves, and then they are shocked to find that it is impossible to be selfish AND happily married. You HAVE to serve your spouse, or the relationship will go to hell, end of story. But once you get past that shock, grow up a little, and start (even grudgingly) generously loving and serving your spouse, you find happiness. Amazing.

Agree about the family and friends thing.  When my husband and I met, we got engaged about a month after meeting, and when we went into pre-Cana, we took that questionnaire, and scored very compatibly except for the “I get along with his family and friends.” I had to put “no”, and when the priest asked about it, I said, “Well, I haven’t MET them yet!”  Turned out I liked his best friend just fine, and have grown to love his mom and dad.  However, my family is just pure insanity, and I can’t blame my husband at all for not getting along with my mother (classic narcissist) and father (classic enabler).  As the years went by I realized I had to break completely with my parents; they were toxic people and bad for my marriage and my kids.  But…my husband tried, he really did.  He really tried to get along with them.  They weren’t interested in meeting us halfway.

We called off our wedding 2 weeks beforehand because of serious cold feet, but then decided to do it anyway.  We just celebrated our 20th anniversary.  Here’s to marrying someone who scares the heck out of you- but don’t get me started about the relatives!

Thanks for the kind words, Simcha and Mrs. D! Since it came up, I thought I’d add that though I am fortunate to have an amazing marriage, things are definitely better now than they were in the beginning. I cringed when I saw that AOM advice about things going smoothly from the beginning, because that wasn’t exactly the case with us. When we met we were both really career-driven people who didn’t have a clue what life was about. We got in more arguments the first few months we were dating than we have in our entire marriage. So I’m glad we didn’t follow that advice about making sure everything went smoothly from the start!

Another excellent post, Simcha.

In reply to Kaylan’s comment, “I agree with Calah on her thoughts that if a couple waited til things were perfect, that moment truly would never come. This line also applies to married couples who postpone children. I’ve known non-Catholics who have said they were waiting to have kids until their debts were paid off, or they had enough money to get a house. <snip> As we all know life itself is far from perfect. All of us have seen dreams crashed, suffering and loss and everything in-between. We know that there is no such perfect timeline to “get married” or “have children”.  It is in this imperfect world that God is trying to teach us and show us His ways. And He often does this in situations and people we least expect.”

That’s all fine and good, but until you have been through SEVERAL life-changing events in a VERY short period of time, you should NEVER judge anyone’s decision to bring children into this world. That is for GOD alone. Granted, I don’t know you or your own life experiences, but I had to speak up for those of us who have been through a lot and are waiting to have children. There is a lot of anxiety about life at times, and when you’ve been through the wringer, a married couple might not be chomping at the bit to add another life into the craziness. Many of us cannot simply say “Let go and let God” because of previous issues and we are working through that. Maybe they need to get back to fully trusting the Lord before they can take on anything else, and if they are working on that, then my prayers to them.

For what it’s worth, my husband and I have been through a lot in the past few years and are working/praying through our anxieties about life and trusting God with EVERYTHING, not just “everything but [insert worry of the week here].” It’s hard to do, but even harder when people post seemingly insensitive messages. Not everyone was born with or developed full trust in the Lord. Some of us are still working towards that. Remember those people in your prayers.

Love this.

I have to take issue with Kaylan’s comment: “You won’t find the perfect man (or woman) that you are seeking on matchmaking websites.” A very dear friend of mine met her first husband through one of her best friends, and their marriage was a complete disaster. After her annulment went through (and with good reason - like I said, complete DISASTER), she joined a Catholic dating site and met her current husband who is an amazing, faith-filled man, a wonderful husband and godly father.

I liked the AOM article, as well as this one.  But I thought the original did point out that, while these are generally good guidelines, there will be exceptions.  Perhaps what the AOM article should have emphasized more was that if your dating relationship doesn’t fit those guides, neither will your marriage.  That is, if things are a constant roller-coaster and you get married thinking that that will make all those fights, tensions, issues that led to break-ups, etc. disappear, you are in for a huge disappointment and a very rocky marriage.  The SO recognizing and refusing to coddle dysfunction is one thing, but, in my experience, that’s less typical than the gf who doesn’t much like your family - and then as a wife ends up insisting that you cut off all contact with your family and friends (like my bil’s wife has.)  The point about “not being scared in the least” is the one I’d really take issue with.  Certainly there should be a strong measure of peace about the decision.  But to have *no* fear of the unknowns of the future is rather unrealistic.

Oh and Julie’s comment reminded me—my husband & I met via the internet. Even though we have our problems (including the one I posted about earlier today), he’s actually an altar server at our church and is discerning a call to the deaconate. Even the priest who married us said “it’s just another way to meet people.” He was right—you still have to weed through ‘em all, just like you would if you were surrounded by a thousand single men at college.

Reading the AOM article brought my Mom’s advice back; “People place too much importance on finding the right person, when they should be more worried about being the right person.”

Great article, Simcha.  I think key to this discussion is the fact that, for Catholics, marriage is a Sacrament.  This means that it is a source of actual graces needed to live our vocation.  We need not be perfect, only free to enter into the marriage covenant—it is the graces of the Sacrament, which over time, perfect us.  I have often been overwhelmed with gratitude for this reality.  Sin is a reality and having those sacramental graces to rely upon during difficult times has literally saved our marriage.  I have witnessed the saving power of those graces at work in myself and my husband.  And I’m so glad we didn’t wait to enter into marriage until we were perfect!

Good friends advised us before our marriage: “After 17 years, it begins to get easy.”  I don’t think it was a joke.  And better advice (smile, hang in there, take the long view) than what some people gave, for sure.

I have to admit we also fit the factors on that website to a T.  It’s hard for unimaginative me to picture a happy marriage under other circumstances.  I see comments like “After 17 years it’s easy,” and they make me sad.  For the most part, our marriage has been very easy - it’s been wonderful a port in the many storms. 

Life is not without trials.  We lost a child in his infancy.  We had another son spend most of the first 18 months of life in the hospital.  We’ve had money be unbelievably tight.  We each lost a parent suddenly about 4 months apart.  I’ve had debilitating, life threatening pregnancies.  There have certainly been difficulties in our life and I cannot imagine what getting through those times would’ve been like if we hadn’t clicked on so many levels. 

I’ve seen many broken marriages and I surely wouldn’t doom a marriage that didn’t have all the factors in the article - certainly all things are possible with God.  However, I would discourage my children from marrying if I felt they were immature or the relationship were volatile.  If the marriage was meant to be, they’ll ignore me and laugh at me when they celebrate their 50th.

Oops I meant to say comments like, “after 17 years, it BEGINS to get easy.”

Some thoughts from 56 years and counting:
a)  Don’t consider as a partner someone that you can’t pray with;  We said rosaries together waiting for (or on) a city bus after a high school basketball game or dance; and later during summers when we were in college.
b)  Do you want to have children?  Discuss seriously with a possible partner.  Rule out a person who seriously disagrees with you on this.

c)  Is your religion (Catholicism) important to you?  If you can’t discuss this and agree on level of importance with a possible partner, rule him/her out.
d)  We had some arguments - squabbles - before we became engaged.  We’ve also had some arguments since we married.  Neither of us has ever struck the other in anger. 
e) I can’t pretend that I was mature in all respects when we married at age 22;  but I knew that I had to keep a job and support our family-to-be.

We’ve had both ups and downs since we married.  Marriage Encounter was a significant help.  Sacramental grace helps, but we can’t measure which times it may have been key to helping us through difficulties.
Thank you for choosing this topic.
TeaPot562

The author is perfectly right! In my own experience of marriage (almost 30 years) marriage has helped me and my wife to be imprinted on each other’s to the point that we have a kind of telepathy. There are differences but we accept them and live together in the suffering that we encounter in our life (much of that has been my own long illness - see my blog at http://todayquestions.blogspot.com/2008/07/living-miracle.html) In fact marriage is meant not only for love but also for procreation in the sense that love begets the fruit of love (children).

I told my fiance if he ever said, “we’re just best friends” I’d clobber him.  We heard this exact phrase from a groom at a wedding, and it really made me sad. You hear this shallow thing all the time, as though a platonic marriage were a good thing, or at least the best you could hope for these days.  I’m a veteran of such a ‘marriage.’  It was really lonely and not nearly as satisfying as advertised. One of the great things about becoming Catholic is learning there are crazy beautiful, deeply satisfying symbolic notions about lots of things but especially about the sacrament of marriage.  You don’t “become one flesh” with a pal.  You don’t marry someone because you could see yourself talking to them for 50 years(another sad truism, which when you think about it, is only slightly less shallow than marrying for money or looks)you marry someone who can help take you into eternity. 
To be honest, in my case, and I’m only sort of joking here, I’m marrying my fiance because he’s the type of person you could really count on to pray a person out of purgatory.  He’s practically a saint and I’ll probably be in there a long time just from stuff that happened in the’80’s alone :0

Here’s for the younger guys, take it from a 28-yr veteran ... when your wife is disappointed because you forgot to wash the dishes, catches your feet up on an expensive or near-antique coffee table and haven’t changed the cat-litter box like you promised, not to mention all the other things you “meant to get to but haven’t gotten around to ... yet,” DO NOT, and I can’t stress NOT enough, give her this boneheaded reply:
  “I never said I was perfect in that kind of “THE perfect guy” for you when we got married,” or words to that “effect.”
  After all ... you DON’T want to hear her reply with this,
  “Listen buster, I’m not asking or in your case even thinking of perfection any more, just a little improvement each day would be a MIRACLE!”
  Wow, have I ever set myself up for that rejoinder on more occasions than I’d care to ‘fess up to. LOLs (on me) many times over!

I don’t know what helped me more - this article or the one from the Art of Manliness.

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