God has the biggest sense of humor…so why can’t we?  Laughing is a sign of enjoying yourself, so of course we can laugh during sex.  I am scared to think what the bedrooms must be like for those that can’t laugh about the fun times and mishaps too!

As the Good Book says, “Don’t take yourself too seriously, as the hypocrites do.”

Awesome.  Elsewhere in The Four Loves, Lewis writes something like “the quickest way to turn sex into an idol is to treat it with unbroken solemnity…”

If you can’t laugh about sex and speak of it in innuendo how the heck can you have inside jokes with your husband or verbal cues over the dinner table without getting the munchkins asking questions?

Very good post. You’re missing a major point: people without a sense or who take themselves too seriously don’t laugh at anything.

And for those with psychological pain: you know you’re healing from the past when sex makes you laugh. When, suddenly, you look up and see that it’s all pretty silly, you’re seeing sex for what it is—instead of the nightmare someone else had made it to be. The burden is lifted and you can’t help but laugh for joy.

Shakespeare was bawdy without being crude (most of the time), and it’s considered high literature. I feel no compunction whatsoever laughing at a bawdy joke. But there is a gray line separating bawdy from licentious, and I suppose it’s best to stay well to one side.

Sam-I-Am, Woman!  You are brilliant and articulate and funny ... this is a wonderful and insightful article!

You can’t taste a good meal at all without being able to use your nose, so perhaps your metaphor points to the necessity of laughter in sex?

I’m going to make sam-i-am my new swear word. :)

I love the memories that I have of laughing with my husband during sex. From some movement or touch that turned out to be surprisingly ticklish, (which then derails us into more laughter) to my husband quoting certain extreamly dorky lifetime movie pick up lines and then making moves on me. Seriously cannot stop laughing with happiness and joy. Total love for my husband.

I also have to share this. When I was in a 7th grade co-ed sex ed class in public school, one of the boys turned and with this accusing look on his face and said ” you are always smiling. I bet you are even going to be laughing during sex!”
I could tell at the time that he thought this with disdain, but I had this moment of grace from God where my mind was quiet and I thought of my future but then unknown husband, and a clear approving answer enveloped me. I smiled at what had been revealed to me and with much more confidence than I could have had on my own, I answered “yes, I will!”
I’ve never forgotten that moment and I’m so thankful for the way God loves me and the gift he has given me in my husband ...and also the joy that we share in sex :)

I am 30 weeks pregnant, so for me and my husband there’s lots of laughing during sex right now!
in my opinion, couples who can’t laugh get divorced.

A woman recently told me that followers of Christ (specifically Catholics) are not supposed to be happy in this life.  They can have holy joy, but they can’t be happy.  No joking around, being goofy or silly,laughing to much, etc.  I tried to explain that not being happy shows a lack of hope, which can actually lead to despair.  That is, I tried to explain in as charitable way as I could, instead of just saying what I thought : “You’re nuts!. Finally just gave up and told her she could choose to be unhappy, but I choose happiness!

Thank you - again - for making it so clear. I also thought of the C.S. Lewis quotes yesterday but did not expect you to get grief for the laughing comment.
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But, I should have not been surprised as I have run into those ‘no laughing allowed’ Catholic/Christians as well.  I made mention of how much I loved seeing “Jesus” as played by Jim Caveziel laugh and smile at his mother, Mary, in the brief - but still humorous - scene of him making the table in “The Passion of the Christ”.  One such sourpuss said that was just one reason the movie was so wrong!!
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Laughter, joy, good humor is a real gift from God, a source of virtue.  There will be none of any of it in Hell so let’s bring as much as we can here on earth as a prep for what we will be enjoying in heaven and an enticement to those who shy away from God!
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“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”  Proverbs 17:22

Last Sunday as we were hustling to get our 10 kids ready and out the door to mass, I totally lost my cool. (partly baby hormones from delivering less than 6 weeks ago) so after we settle in our pew, my husband leans over and says “I’ve had a really rough morning at home with this crazy woman I live with! Would you like to come home with me instead? I’ve got a van waiting out front.” I giggled and asked him, “sure, but IS IT CLEAN?!”  he replied “No, it isn’t!  I have 10 kids, everything I own is dirty…my house, my van and even my mind! But I’ll treat you like a princess!”  Thank God for my husband’s sense of humor!

“...then right in the middle of the steaming and the making and the smelling and the baking, tragedy…”

I hardly know where to begin!! This certainly made me laugh. Then wonder to what on earth you could possibly be referring. Then laugh again. I’m almost afraid to ask what you meant.

And people think I’m weird because I laugh in Confession. ;-)

I’ve always wondered what single people do with all those screamingly funny inappropriate remarks that pop into your head. I’m so glad I have someone I can share them with.

AMDG

Ummm, those are two unconnected thoughts in my previous comment.

AMDG,
Janet

@MRs. H—Well, people can choose to be unhappy all they want…but I feel bad for that woman’s children.  Really, really bad.

Mrs. D said, “my husband leans over and says “I’ve had a really rough morning at home with this crazy woman I live with! Would you like to come home with me instead? I’ve got a van waiting out front.” I giggled and asked him, “sure, but IS IT CLEAN?!”  he replied “No, it isn’t!  I have 10 kids, everything I own is dirty…my house, my van and even my mind! But I’ll treat you like a princess!””

WOW, what a treasure! Truly a great way to turn a tense situation into something FUN and funny. You’re blessed. Love reading your column, Simcha, but I also LOVE the replies! :D

I once had a friend tell me that she had a very serious conversation with a Catholic woman of a certain stripe tell her that women weren’t supposed to enjoy sex. This lady was married and the mother of several. I felt so badly for her! What kind of marriage must that be? I admit to having gone through an uptight phase, which, thank Heaven, has drawn to a close. The result? All aspects of marriage are better, happier and more secure. Catholics should just enjoy the gift given to them. Gifts are happy. Happy things make frequently make people laugh.

Great article, Simcha. Funny and enlightening. However, as a recently returned Catholic, I have to admit I’m shocked at the neurotic extremes some Catholics go to. Do we really need an article to tell us its OK to joke about sex with someone we’ve been married to for years, made X number of kids with? Must humor be so depressingly and drearily parsed for sinfulness?

I really like “angel/tom cat creatures”.

Simcha, thanks for this. Ken and others, I think the extremes some Catholics go to, especially toward the dour and humorless end of the spectrum, aren’t the result of ill will or a desire for misery. I think fear is the culprit, particularly in our culture where people are often shell-shocked, especially from painful experiences as little ones. Wounded tenderness often produces a very hard and jumpy person; at least this has been the case for me. I’m wondering: I’ve been married four years, with two little ones, and desire so much to develop a sense of humor, especially with my incredibly kind, good, bursting-to-laugh husband who has learned not to joke with me for fear of hurting or worrying me. I’m sorry to say that I used to think along the lines of the woman you mentioned, Simcha, who thinks sex must be always a solemn and reverent affair, and that the seriousness with which one approached it was a direct indicator of the respect one had for the mystery and beauty of it. In my case, with a history of sexual abuse as a little one, I think I was desperate for a “barometer” that I could cling to, something that I could test and measure, to reassure me that I was in a good place, a place of security. Unfortunately, that barometer came to be a misguided understanding of ‘reverence,’ which was basically being incredibly uptight with no room for humor or light. My question to you, Simcha, and any other insightful readers, is: how would you go about cultivating a sense of humor when your immediate inclination is to worry or judge? I really do desire it, with all my heart.

I should add - I used to interpret humor toward sex as frivolous and cheapening, which inspired tremendous fear in me, because my previous experience with sex had been cheapening in the extreme, with no regard for the dignity of my person. This, I know, is why I clung to seriousness toward sex so tightly, thinking that it was a sign of my husband’s genuine love for me, and his seeing me with dignity - not as something to be exploited and laughed at.

@ Mrs. H and others: When people talk about how Catholics and Christians shouldn’t be happy or have a good time I always think about the wedding at Cana. One would assume that Jesus turned the water into wine so that the good times would continue. :) Then there are those who insist that the wine is grape juice to which I sigh and say, then what would be the big deal if it ran out? lol.
@ Mrs. D- that is the funniest thing I ever read!!

Catherine - Thank you.  Your words are a piece of the puzzle for me as I work thru the sludge that I have carried with me from childhood molestation.

Gotta love how Teresa of Avila said: “God save us from dreary saints” She once scolded Jesus for sorely trying her patience, and He *teased* her for it.

Ohhh….the “S” word.  This is delicate. :)

Oh and did you have to, with the clean language thing?  Like I don’t already feel bad enough? Last week I tried to confess it, and then sort of broke down, admitting I was unrepentant.  It all started several years ago when I allowed my kid to coax me out of a bad mood, with “The crazy Nastya$$ Honey Badger” on Youtube.  I couldn’t keep up the charade any longer.  Now they compete with each other to make me laugh.  My Mom would not approve.  I’ve tried fear tactics with my daughter by saying “Nice boys don’t marry girls with potty mouths”  To which she replies “Oh really?  Well maybe I don’t want to marry a *nice* boy!”

So happy to have read this as I always feel so strange when joking with my hubby because I wasn’t sure how it would be viewed in God’s teachings. This makes it make sense!!!

But sex is so funny!!! Especially pregnant sex. Yikes….I don’t think I would have done it while pregnant if we weren’t allowed to laugh!

Sex should be playful and fun! Solemn and ordered sounds like a real turn off. How can you relax…er, how could you even orgasm if you’re so worried about doing it *right*? Who would want to have sex then?

(sigh) and one more thing cause I’ve been racking my brain.  What does it mean if one isn’t laughing when they’re in the *zone*—less angel, more Tomcat?

about swear word replacements: my sister after a stint in Austria used the words- “Heiße Schokolade”

- the weird character in the first word is a double s- and articulate the final short e sound in both words- say it with a German accent- it means ‘hot chocolate’- it is a great swear word

Sam-I-Am!!! Hahaha!  Around my house it’s Jiminy Cricket!

So I’m trying to figure out what’s bothering me so much about this article. I love the cute playful moments I have with my husband, so it’s not like I take sex too seriously, although I do treasure it for its ability to make me feel loved, just as I am, to the depths of my soul, especially in the moments when am not feeling loveable. So what is bothering me? I’m not sure, but maybe it has to do with the fact that I can’t bring myself to use the same kind of silliness in conversation with people OTHER than my husband, as it seems everyone else here is able to do by the very fact that they are posting all their cute silly examples to share with others, the article itself included. It reminds me of the time I nearly died when my IN-LAWS, of all people, once chose to share, in a supposedly funny, explicit way, with my husband and me, how THEY deal with the above-mentioned “tragedy”... all in the name of, “Hey, if you can’t laugh about sex, you’re not doing it right!” Or MAYBE, it’s the tone of “I’m so glad I’m not like those prudes” that comes across, reducing their very real and painful wounds to “you’re not doing it right.”
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So does the fact that all these things bother me about the article and this whole discussion mean that I must have some deep-seated wounds about the whole thing myself, and if I were just to be “healed” I wouldn’t feel this way anymore? I don’t know, but it sure is making me feel awkward having to acknowledge these feelings when no one else seems to have any problem here…

@mama bee - I’m running out so can’t give a full reply at the moment, but by “tragedy,” I meant any of a thousand things that can remind us of our mortality.  I wonder how many people thought I meant something else—uh oh!

Dear Simcha, I am very saddened by this article.  I, for the most part, am an avid reader of yours.  Today you have bashed and maligned a dear, dear friend of mine.  What if you had been the one to write that PRIVATE email?  What if you felt the way she does?  I think you went overboard on this.  Christians don’t poke fingers and tear down others.  Well, they do but that’s not right.  I know you have really tried to make this all funny and stuff but at what cost?  I may not agree with my dear friend on everything but I don’t laugh at her and make her look bad publicly.  Really, Simcha…maybe you need some time to reconsider.  Now, many of your readers will make hurtful comments towards this person, my dear friend, which you wrote about.  Do you think that is okay?  I am thousands of miles away from my dear friend.  I can’t even go over her house and give her a hug.

Sex: The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable. (Lord Chesterfield)  He must have been a cynic - a humourless man anyway.

I thought your previous post abuot NFP and how to use it to ruin a marriage was profound because it was about the unitive value of sex and about how sex can have a disunitive value.———- “From the point of view of another person, from the altruistic standpoint, it is necessary to insist that intercourse must not serve merely as a means of allowing sexual excitement to reach its climax in one of the partners, i.e., the man alone, but that climax must be reached in harmony, not at the expense of one partner, but with both partners fully involved.”—Karol Wojtyla (AKA, Blessed John Paul II), Ignatious paperback edition, page 272.——-On the following pages, he talks about achieving this goal, stressing the need for good will on the part of the man.  People who teach NFP to couples about to be married should also teach about the unitive value of sex and how to avoid any possible disunitive value, imo.

@ Catherine:  My heart goes out to you, and I’m glad to see you genuinely are searching for peace and joy!  Have you been through counseling, with a really good counselor, to work through what happened to you as a child?  There are resources out there to help you find a solid Catholic counselor.  I would also recommend reading The Four Loves, from which Simcha quoted.  It’s a wonderful book, in which C.S. Lewis speaks about how we, in our modern culture, are both too serious and not serious enough about sex.  It’s a brilliant book, and there are many charming and humorous moments throughout.  It might also be good to talk honestly with your spouse about what you’re experiencing.  His good humor, and his patient love and understanding, could be a help to you as you relax into intimacy.  Perhaps even just cultivating humor in other areas of your life can help you feel more comfortable and grow towards joyful humor in intimate areas.  Also, be patient with yourself as you work through these things, because light-heartedness cannot be rushed or forced, it takes time to cultivate.  I pray you find the peace and joy and healing that you seek!

Umm… I understand the point you’re trying to make and all, but C.S. Lewis is the wrong man to go to. He often liked crude and lewd jokes, so much so that people called him on it. As such, those jokes bordered on the inappropriate, that people called him on it. (It was one of his character failings). Don’t get me wrong; a little sexual humor is okay now, and then, but Lewis is not someone you should look to for support.

One more thing. Keep in mind what St Paul said: “All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful”. There are times when we do have to hold back on things, so as not scandalize others- even when we are in the right.

In my previous post, I neglect to post the title of the book that I was quoting:  Love and Responsibilty, by Karol Wojtyla, AKA Blessed John Paul II.

@ Mama Benedikt:  I may not read every word that Simcha writes, but I did read what she published this week and skimmed the comments (many of which were way too serious) and I have no idea who you are talking about.  If it was a private email, then how do you know about it? And there’s nothing identifying in this post, so - maybe its not as public as you think it is…

Again with people attacking people.  Why are we Christians professing love and mercy and doing the opposite?  I know about the private email because my dear friend was sharing with me about it.  Really?  How cruel people can be!

Mama Benedict

Stop trolling. 

Private letter or no, Simcha is responding to a belief that could be applied to any number of people, and she doesn’t refer to anyone in particular in her post.  Just because one person might have instigated the writing of the post (which isn’t proven), doesn’t mean she’s only talking to that one person.  She might know more and your “friend” might have just been the last in a long string of people writing/talking to Simcha about how grave we must be about sex. 

So, again, stop Trolling, or start using reason, and do so before NCR blog readers start going Madmartigan on you.

Mama Benedikt, nobody has the faintest idea as to the identity of your friend.  I would venture a guess that she has not lived the years of experience that Simcha has.  I wonder why she wrote to her to admonish her?  I think I know why sometimes Simcha walks a “fine line”.  She is not vulgar.  Do you read the comments when she addresses touchy subjects?  There is so much relief from people who are all tied up within themselves. When she helps them to see that they are *human* you can almost audibly hear a sigh come forth.  I think one of the devil’s favorite ploys is to make people think that in order for them to be saints they have to look and seem like one of those mass-produced second rate statues, that are bloodless, and have no warmth.

@yes, sex is sacred.  I wholeheartedly agree.  It doesn’t mean we can’t be amazed, puzzled, happy, shocked…and laugh about how God teaches us lessons wordlessly.  Blessings and a hug, M.B! :)

@Mama Benedikt, I didn’t bash or malign anyone.  Your friend and I have been exchanging emails.  She sent me another one the other day, I read it, thought about it, and got an idea for a post.  I do this a few times a month, and no one else has ever complained. I didn’t name her, or make any public judgment about her character.  I said that her idea is nuts, and I think that it is.  (She let me know that I misunderstood her, so I invited her to correct me in the comment box, which she hasn’t done yet.)

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This post was not about her.  It was about an idea that, clearly, lots of people have or struggle with—so that’s why I wrote about it. When people write to me with weird ideas that no one will relate to (and this happens regularly, too), I shrug and try to come up with something else to write about. 

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I really think it’s nice that you’re concerned for your friend, but you are barking up the wrong tree. 

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To everyone else:  thanks for coming to my defense.  I’ve been out all afternoon.  I’d just as soon let this go, now!

Oh, and I actually have a policy about ideas from letters:  if it’s a personal matter (“Dear Mrs. Fisher, my husband is in love with our goldfish.  Do you have any advice?” and I think it’s worth writing about, I ask permission before writing, because I wouldn’t want, for instance, the husband to read it and recognize his situation.  But if someone just writes about an idea that they have, and I think it’s an interesting idea, I just go with it.

HEY! You promised you wouldn’t write about the fish!

I have a different policy for comments.

And I have a different policy for carp.

Oh, you win, but only because supper’s burning.

Ohwow. *helpless laughter* Mr and Mrs. Simcha, how very, very much I love you two. *MWAH* 

And this article is right-on. We were advised by our marriage prep couple to have a healthy sense of humor about sex, and it was obvious in, oh, nanoseconds, that this was *extremely* good advice, both in the beginning and now, 5 years and two kids later. Praise be to God for your beautiful wit and wisdom!

Dear Mrs. Fisher, My husband’s in love with our goldfish. Do you have any advice for me?

can we just stop and think about how absurdly funny the male reproductive organ is? I mean- hello! ;) You know God laughed when he made THAT.

I think there is a general lack of decorum prevalent in our culture today- about everything. I think a wholesome sense of humor, in the proper place for it is fine. But without an accompanying sense of reverence as well, the humor wil most likely degenerate and objecitify. Exhortations from Sacred Scripture cannot be taken too seriously but they can be taken out of balance.
Simcha uses an example here to bring her point to light that is maybe a little off the mark- the girl who is taking all this so seriously is probably an example of piety, and hopefully has a balancing light-heartedness in her life to keep her tethered to earth and not constantly disappointed or disaffected at the paradox Simcha is focussing on in a very well written piece. 
At the same time, let’s go back to the degradation issue because it is very real. I am not at all cheerless about the marital embrace (I have been married for nearly 30 years to the same guy and we have 13 kids) or being a human person (and, gasp! an admitted sinner) but at the same time- sometimes Catholics go too easy on themselves in allowing degradation or baseness to corrupt their taste or preferences in art and entertainment. We act like because we get the liturgy right at our parish, Latin and everything- those raunchy comedies we are talking up, or the latest and greatest we are reading or watching on HBO are somehow just an objecitve experience of our current culture.
There is nothing wrong with erring on the side of reverence in a culture so far from moorings in terms of decency- God has a crazy good sense of humor Himself, and He is infinitely creative at finding ways to keep us from taking ourselves too seriously. At the same time, the more personal the joke, the more ‘elite’ the audience for whom it is intended.

mama bee and Jo Fleming got it right. Thanks for speaking up! God bless everyone! :)

@ Catherine, dear sister, I’m just another wife and Mom, but I offered the Holy Mass today for you, and all those who have suffered such inhumanity.  It is good when you learn to laugh.  God bless you and your family.

My mother once said that a couple could’t get through their wedding night without the ability to laugh.  That was about as close as she ever got to revealing anything about her and my Dad’s private life, but it was advice I’ve always treasured and shared.  She considered a sense of humor an essential ingredient for successful marriage.  She also informed me (as an adolescent verging on arrogance) that the proof of God’s sense of humor was the naked human male body.  My wife wholeheartedly agrees. I have received a gift of humility.

@anna lisa ( comment: May 3, 2012 12:23 PM)—What a funny story, about St. Teresa of Avila!  Where did you find that?!  (Oh, I hope you can remember!)

My guess is that the person who inspired this article was not being prudish, but rather, as stated,  is elevating the gift of sexual intimacy with your husband or wife as the most precious gift which mirrors in some (non-temporal) way, the ultimate union with God. It would seem to me that she is simply expressing the beauty of sex as being so incredulous that poking humor at it decreases its sacredness.  God, of course has a sense of humor, but would we laugh at the Eucharist if it got stuck to the roof of our mouth in such a way that we might make a joke?  And yet, Blessed JP II’s Theology of the Body teaches us that sex is this sacred. 

My second impression is that to publish another person’s viewpoint in a public column with many readers, regardless of keeping this person’s identity protected, in order to make your own point more valid, could be in some way an attempt to elevate the author’s own self, especially when pointing out the ridiculousness of another’s viewpoint.  This seems damaging to the overall Body of Christ.

@MargoB.  Don’t you *love* Teresa of Avila?  She was such a character, and so obviously witty, saucy and intelligent.  There is a very famous passage in her autobiography where she has been sent out to found a new convent, and she encounters a ridiculous amount of contradictions.  This culminates in her having to brave a situation where the horse and cart have to cross a treacherous, rain swollen river.  At this point she snaps a little and tells Jesus off a bit, to which he replies (I’m sure smiling)something like, “this is how I treat all of my intimate friends”, She snaps (like a good Spaniard) “Well no wonder you don’t have so many!”  (!!!)  I *love* this, almost as much as Jesus affectionately nicknaming James and John “Sons of Thunder”—because in their youthful impetuousness they wanted wanted to call fire from heaven on a town to punish it. Lol.

@Avilalover In all charity, I hesitate to place sacredness at odds with humor.  Indeed, I think (with Chesterton, for example) that sacredness has very much to do with the great (humorous) ironies of our Christian story.  As Chesterton says of Christ at the close of Orthodoxy “There was something that He hid from all men when He went up a mountain to pray. There was something that He covered constantly by abrupt silence or impetuous isolation. There was some one thing that was too great for God to show us when He walked upon our earth; and I have sometimes fancied that it was His mirth.” I certainly hope (and expect) that the beatific vision will be more like a fit of laughter than a somber gaze.  If that’s true, than why should we not have mirth in our experience of the sacred this side of heaven? Then again, if the Eucharist were stuck to the top of my mouth I’m quite sure I would laugh, and it would inevitably be the subject of my post-communion prayer.  “Lord, how humble you are that you would allow your sacramental body to wind up in such a precarious situation in the mouth of a sinner like me.” If one is unable to see how hilarious is the notion of Almighty God being stuck to the roof of one’s mouth, then I believe something of the greatness of our Christian story has been lost.

I would add as food for thought—and this is in no way directed at anyone, it is merely meant to further the discussion—that holding up the view of another for the purpose of making a charitable criticism of that person’s view is the very method invoked by (among other church fathers) Thomas Aquinas.

This is quite a shameful post. I am sorry to have even read it.  You sound very haughty indeed and you do not back up your haughty summary with any quotes from the Doctors of the Church or from the Moral Theologian, St. Alphonsus Liguori. Instead, you give us C.S Lewis, who is a reputable moral writer, but he is not an official teacher of the Church. What happened to challenging philosophical questions with actual philosophical answers weighted by Christian moral law? A fact should have nothing to do with my opinion, and neither should it be found in my confusion or frustration.

I wonder, though I do think it is perfectly natural and acceptable for a married couple to have a great sense of humor regarding their intimate relations, since we are talking about a very private and holy act, should people in general joke about it together? Seriously, it seems to happen quite often and everyone seems so pleased to laugh at each other’s funny sex stories, but all I can think is that your private business is not meant to be public business.

Mama Benedikt - Based on some exchanges I’ve seen online recently, I’m pretty sure I know who this friend is. Is it not the case that she regularly uses her own website to publicly criticize others?

Kinda off topic, but this reminds me of the time a devout Catholic complained that she didn’t like the movie “The Passion of the Christ” because of the scene in which Jesus and the Blessed Mother were joking and teasing each other.  In her words, that was a terribly irreverent way to think of the Holy Family.  Oddly, that was my favorite part of the whole movie!  For some, regardless of its context, laughter in itself is a sign of irreverence.  God have mercy on people who do not have the joy of true laughter!

@jmom Yes! I think I saw the exchange that Mama Benedikt is referring to, as well. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

Okay, okay!  Let’s just stick to the actual matters in the post, if we could!  I, for one, still find the topic of sex more interesting than the topic of what one gal said to the other gal, etc. 

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For the record, I do think it’s inappropriate (for myriad reasons) to joke with other people about one’s personal sex life.  This is not the same, however, as saying that it’s inappropriate to joke about sex in general.  Obviously it CAN be, but those are two different things.

What’s the deal with “marital embrace”?  There’s something childish about not being able to call sex sex.  (Another childish thing I’ve seen: “s*x”.  Really?)  Silly euphemisms call attention to the fact that some can’t speak about reality, or would at least really, really prefer not to. 

“Marital embrace” is just so pseudo-Victorian, as if I’m supposed to convince myself that it’s more feminine, blushing behind my lace fan while lowering my eyelids. 

The problem with erring on the side of reverence is that that suggests that laughter can’t be reverent, or that reverence has to be all sour-puss and dour.  No, that goes against our human-ness, it denies something that is integral to our being human. 

I’ve heard some argue that laughter is a sign that something isn’t perfect, therefore there will be no laughter in Heaven. 

@annalisa:  Thanks for saying more! Cool perspective on that conversation; I hadn’t seen it like that.  LOL!

I agree it’s probably not in good taste to laugh with others about your (and their) sex life, but I’ve always found it hilarious to sit at a table with a bunch of older women who cackle over their (and other people’s) husbands as they make tamales together.  Love it!

It has become increasingly common, it seems to me, to talk in a polarizing way.  If I do not share your experience, then you must be wrong.  There are certainly times when we must instruct the ignorant or admonish the sinner, but that seems pretty far away from this.  Catherine, we share some backstory from what you’ve said, including now having wonderful husbands and children.  Be careful of people telling you how you should feel and using other people’s barometers (you know you’re healing when. . .).  For what it’s worth, telling my husband all my doubts and fears was the most healing thing for me.  But then I had to learn to let myself be comforted and reassured.  When one is used to being ridiculed it can be difficult to transition.  One thing I’ll recommend is reading some funny books together (Chesterton is great for this).  Laughing together in general helps if you want to cultivate that part of your relationship in other areas.

Mama Bee, I think the thing you’re unsettled about is what I am as well.  There are relatively few “shoulds” in this life.  If one is in alignment with the Church on sexual behavior, I hardly think it matters if one approaches it as a carnival or a symphony or anything else.  That’s between the two people and God.  Why pretend like one’s own sex life is better than another person’s?  Who could possibly know?  And what difference does it make; it’s not a contest.  All a little too Cosmo for me.

Sarah, true laughter, certainly, is rare in our culture which revels in laughter at others’ pain, humiliation, and has become so inappropriate that my husband often considers not leaving the house (and he’s the funniest person I’ve ever met - but never makes fun of other people). 

As for “marital embrace,” some people prefer that I do not say that my mother died.  They prefer the gentler passed away or passed on.  That’s fine.  Language is a tool, and it is best used to build and not destroy relationships.

Being private doesn’t mean one is humorless. I wonder if many of our Internet friends are confusing the two. At any rate, the Husband and I enjoy a good laugh at our own collective expense, but I feel no need to share those details with others. So I guess I come down on the side of humor and privacy. Does that make me a heretic? ;-)

I don’t know Simcha,
sex is a sacred action, the communion two spouses, and the a participation in the Divine Creative act (pro-creation).  Seeing how I am not married, I think joking about sex , would be akin to joking about receiving the Eucharist, because that is my most intimate experience of the day.

I don’t think I take myself too seriously, nor was I abused, and since I am not engaged in the act, I can say that I am not doing it wrong either!

Joking about sex in public in the general sense, not referring to your own private sex life, still seems off to me. It’s totally appropriate for me to joke about sex with my husband, because he is the only one that knows me in that intimate way. When I hear comedians or movies joke about sex in general, it always seems very crude and inappropriate, and not at all funny. It makes sex so common, often vulgar.

And I don’t think it’s at all stuffy to refer to sex as “marital embrace”. Some people are just more delicate than others, and they have gentler sensibilities. It’s nothing to mock.

Look—I’m the one who wrote the original letter. I didn’t say it was wrong to laugh with one’s spouse. That’s very natural and usually very innocent. But it seems that the more people who participate in the “joke,” the less innocent it all becomes and gives the sense that we understand sex to be as dirty, common or vulgar as hedons and puritans. This all doesn’t mean that Catholics should never talk, even very frankly, about marital intimacy, but we’d probably be better off if the nature of the discussion and the language we used to talk about it helped restore a sense of reverence for the marital act.

I cringe when I hear people say we have to use relevant language and joking for people whose only exposure to Catholicism is on bad t.v. sitcoms, so we don’t put up a roadblock for their acceptance of Catholic moral teaching on sexuality. It’s like saying we need more relevant liturgy with drums and electric guitars for teenagers. You backhandedly insult the folks you’re hoping to elevate.

Why is everyone’s sexual experience such a laugh riot? Is it really that crappy all the time for so many? A joke is a joke, but it reads (around here) like everyone and their spouses pretty much suck at it and frequently. How old are all of you? It should get better with experience, not more hysterical.

I’ve often marveled at the courage it takes to be honest.  Even I have reproached my confessor, who was silent at my protests regarding my beloved JP11’s ideal that both spouses should “come at the same time”.  It’s not that it doesn’t happen. It’s just not that simple.  Thank you God for when it does!  Thank you God for that beautiful, humble man who wrote what he did in honor of a worthy ideal. And thank you God for a spouse that labors so lovingly and exultantly even when it wasn’t a slam dunk.  Can we just be honest?  Isn’t information better than people talking about their lives like they are Hallmark cards in action?  Thomas Kincaid paintings in motion? (God rest his soul) Well-rehearsed liturgical music, for public exposition? Thank you Simcha for your honesty.  Thank you for letting new wives feel more human.  Pregnant sex makes me laugh with the honest Mom’s who observed the realities in the thread above.  So does tired Mom with new infant sex.  Thank you, self sacrificing husbands who are patient for their Tigress to return…and who don’t resort to porn. Thank you for loving us even when we aren’t ripe mangoes! (Oh, I really hate using exclamation points) Thank you Simcha for saying you want to smell it,I couldn’t say that without a “user name”.  But I want to sing it, smell it, and love it just like God intended it to be.  Yes, there are similarities with receiving the Eucharist.  Yes. yes. yes. laughter.  Thanks be to God.

My parents when asked why do you have nine kids say. They kept on trying for the perfect child unfortunately menopause got in the way of them continuing the experiments.

It is only in humans that the female of the species can achieve orgasm. This is a gift from God to bring us mutual joy in sex, and just as the natural fruit of sex is children the natural fruit of joy is laughter. It a genuine twofer.
And Mrs. D. I loved your story.

Last night I moved during sex with my husband. As a Catholic, I’m so ashamed. I won’t be receiving Communion this week.

By the way, Anya,
I’ve seen animals in action, in both scientific and natural circumstances. I wouldn’t say they weren’t having a great time. Cats can be exceptionally passionate. They may be confined to cycles and estrus, but that doesn’t mean the females don’t have orgasms. Do you think they “close their eyes and think of England?”