For some reason, nobody ever asks me to give the commencement address at their local high school or college. This despite the fact that I promised to wear pantyhose and everything, and to leave the bottle at home. Bunch of anti-Semites.
Anyway, I’m not one to be bitter. I’m not going to let this snubbing gnaw away at me. I’m just going to go ahead and write that speech anyway, and print out several copies of it, and keep them in the diaper bag in the car, next to the Luger PO8 and the farewell note.
Because you never, never know!
Here’s what I have to say.
Graduates, as I look out over your bright, eager faces, my heart wells with emotion and a single phrase springs into my mind: Better you than me.
Gee, I would give anything to not be you right now. What a horrible time this is for you. I mean, think about it: You’re on the verge of starting a new life. The possibilities are endless—what the future holds is bounded only by the limits of your imagination. You can be anything you want to be, if you only believe in yourself. You can shoot for the stars!
I’m so, so sorry.
Because that’s what people have been telling you, right? Isn’t that what your guidance counselor said—that there are no limits to what you can achieve?
You know that’s crazy talk, right?
I mean that literally: Only people with a mental illness would truly believe that you can achieve anything. People who actually get things done are the people who look at themselves and say, “Okey-doke. There are some things I’m good at, and many thousands more things that I am and always will be utterly unqualified to do. Starting tomorrow, my job is do the least amount of thrashing around and wasting of my parent’s tuition money as possible, while I figure out the difference between my very few strengths and my billions of weaknesses.
“Then, I need to figure out if there’s any possible way I can do what it turns out I’m good at, and also be a decent human being. If possible, it would be wonderful if the things I’m good at, and which allow me to be decent, are also things which will earn me a salary.”
And after you have that conversation with yourself, and preferably after you come up with a better plan than scrawling “FIX LIFE” on your memo pad, then you can go out drinking with your buddies.
Because here’s the deal, you poor deluded masses of inchoate ambition: Freedom is for something. Freedom is so that you can get something done. Yes, it’s valuable and precious in itself—but it’s not a resting place. Having potential is like being hungry: You want to resolve that in some definite way. All the best things in life come when you tie yourself down in one way or another, when you accept some limitations.
Think about all the things that make life worth living—all the things that people you admire are proud of. A huge project achieved? They neglected other things—fun things!—to get it done. A happy marriage? They forsook all others to remain faithful. A vocation of any kind? Saying Yes to one thing always means saying No to a dozen more. It doesn’t mean that all the rejected opportunities are bad. It just means that you’re only one person, and are here to do one person’s work.
This doesn’t mean you have to rush into it. There’s nothing especially admirable about going whole hog for the wrong thing (just ask the guy with the Betty Boop tattoo on his forehead). So take your time, look around, and don’t be rash. But for the love of mike, remember that this stage of your life is supposed to come to an end some day. Even if you never end up with a career at all, you will eventually have some huge choices to make.
Or you know what? You might not even get to make a choice: You might find yourself faced with some horrible situation, and guess who’s the only one who can fix it? That’s right, the guy in the mirror, the one who fell asleep in a trash can and his friend drew cat whiskers on his face with permanent markers. The lives of others may someday depend on you, Mr. Fluffy. Try to make at least some of your current behavior reflect that fact.
So congratulations, graduates! You did it. Some of you worked moderately hard to be here today, and I applaud you. Now go forth, act decent, call your mother from time to time. And remember, nobody’s life ever got better after drinking a rum and Coke.
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There’s a phrase said by my philosophy professor that has been burned into my memory: If someone tells you that you have a lot of potential, it is because you haven’t done very much.
As a mom of 6 w/our oldest graduating this year….I loved this post! LOL So true. And she’s heard it before from her mother.. but I will be posting it on FB for her anyway. :D
Boy, do I ever wish someone had said this to me about thirty years ago.
:D I don’t actually remember my college commencement speech; something awfully typical about how great it was that we’d come this far and could now go out and change the world. I wasn’t impressed. Now YOURS, that would stick with me for a lifetime! ;)
P.S. I love the part about freedom being FOR something, that the best things come from accepting limitations—another guy recently said something similar (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/31/opinion/31brooks.html?_r=3) and it’s refreshing to hear!
Love this. Rates right up there with Wear Sunscreen. I would have added “no one is going to hand you success on a silver platter, you self-entitled little slackers!”
Or was that too harsh?
Thank you! I printed it out (with your name, nc register link, and your blog name). I plan to put it in all my graduation cards this year.
This will be posted on FB. This is perfect, don’t change a word!
Okey doke..If I were invited to give the commencement address at the college where I teach, here’s part of what I would say:
Class of 2011:
CONGRATS! You survived! I hope there’s still a bit of euphoria in your system this evening.
It was a chilly but beautiful day, wasn’t it? I had the chance to shake hands with at least some folks as they came down from the podium after receiving their diplomas, and I had plenty of hugs and, yes, your professor had a few tears seeing you off.
They were sincere.
Events like this bring me back to a dream I have from time to time..it’s nothing out of the ordinary but I can remember when I first experienced it:
I am driving west to a new city (probably a new job) and the lights of the city are coming up ever so slowly.I’m getting more pumped. I’m almost there. Then I look out the rear view mirror and it’s dark, it’s pitch black. I’ve lost track of where I have been, but I can’t stop and let it catch up. I have a destination to reach.
As you make that trip, be prepared for the shadows in your own rear-view mirror to get dimmer and the darkness of the past of come up more quickly. It’s our human existence,always moving, not stopping, trying so hard to “stop and smell the roses”. That time is precious.
Good luck to you.
We’re waving at you as your shadow becomes so small and distant.
You are on your way. We’re here. We’ll ALWAYS be here for you.
Oh Simcha! You have a follower for life here now! First, you have to love a lady who’s packing a 9mm in her diaper bag, but I love your speech. I will put your name up for suggestions when my daughter graduates from high school!!
I loved what you said about Freedom isn’t the end to a means, that it is the means by which you accomplish something. As a former soldier, we always heard that “Freedom isn’t free.” It’s purchased with blood, sweat, and tears. And yes, by making one choice to the exclusion of others.
It would be refreshing to hear a message like yours, versus some of the super-sweet, the sky is the limit, you can do anything if you just believe it tripe that we too often fill our young people’s minds with.
Our children desperately need to hear that they in fact, cannot be anything they want to be. Each of us are given talents by our God, and it is our responsibility to develop those talents.
Where were you when I graduated?
I had Fr. Raniero Cantalamessa speak at my graduation. SO THERE. But I like your speech too. :)
I posted it on FB as well. This would have been so much more useful than whoever spoke at my HS and College graduations. Ugh. Thanks!
Hello, I could have used these pointers when I was the one giving the terribly lame commencement speech. Where the hell were you??? Oh, yeah, you were probably finishing up your third year of college….
What about something about seasons of life or something…
And Kern, I am totally with you on the “self-entitled slackers thing”. I was so one of those. No one told me that after graduating from college that I would NOT be living the upper-middle class life that my parents built for themselves over a period of 25 years….I would actually (gasp!) start out poor and put in the work and sacrifice to build that up myself.
You know everyone has commencement speakers - it seems to me that this would work great for the BEGINNING of a school year. They should have great big assemblies on college campuses and this would work great for that kind of address. These are the things people should be thinking about while they are IN college instead of at their exit from it.
Then at the end of your speech say a Hail Mary for them in spite of what some stupid Federal Judge said.
Dear Mrs. Fisher:
Nobody’s life ever got better after drinking a rum and Coke?
You know that’s crazy talk, right?
Con affetto
Nice speech, but if you ever get a chance to read it, don’t mention the Luger and the farewell note. WOW.
My High School graduation address was delivered by a young priest from my parish in NE Ohio. I got to know him pretty well in my senior year as he would often attend our CYO outings. One of those times, when I was grappling with a childhood aspiration (probably from my mother) to become a priest or go on to college for something else, I approached Fr. X for his advice. He immediately looked at me like I was crazy and advised me to pursue a degree in writing or something. He told me in front of many other people that he regrets everyday his vocation to the priesthood. I was stunned at the time but it was probably sound advice. I would have made a very lousy priest. My mom told me a few years later that Fr X had been transferred, then eventually left the priesthood and had married. His address that day was probably inspiring but I can’t remember any of it.
I love this! There’s only one thing I’d add (the one thing I really wish somebody would have said to me):
Kids, if you did really well in high school, and you’re full of plans to go forth and immerse yourself in college in the pursuit of one of the Great Liberal Arts because after all learning the great wisdom of the past should always trump mere job training, etc.—first, check your finances. If you and/or your parents are independently wealthy, or if you already have “friends” who will help you get a good job after college in some teaching position somewhere, then go for that degree in literature or philosophy! If, on the other hand, you are going to have to work your way through college and then work for years afterward to pay for it all: minor in the Ivory Tower discipline, and major in something like marketing or health care administration or accounting. You know, something that people will pay you to do when you get out of school. You’re not selling out; you’re accepting the reality of your state in life with humility and patience. :)
Or, Erin, they can double major and pick up a minor or two!
Erin,
This is so true. Actually, I think my sons should learn a trade….and then go to college if they want.
Ms. or Mrs. Fischer, you said, “Bunch of anti-Semites.” Now I know it was a joke, but look at the RCC that you speak for. They’ve done as much harm to Jews as any nation or religion. They are the definition of anti-Semites. Anyways, what you need to do, as a Jew, is go and get in touch with a Messianic Congregation. Part of their beliefs are that the faithful will fight against the “god” of Islam. And there’s no denying the anti-Christ is the Mahdi. Just like the Fear of Isaac to have His people that please Him put in writing exactly what’s going to happen. Do as the first century Jews did. The Great One was doing miracles for days when Jews for Jesus were zealous for the traditions of the fathers. As it is written: “and all of them are zealous for the law.” And again: “Surely not, Lord! Nothing impure or unclean has ever touched my mouth.” And yet again: “But we sailed from Philippi after the Feast of Unleaven Bread.” Also, for the sake of unbelieving Jews, remember what is written: “To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews… I have become all things to all people so that by all means I might save some.” That said, this is the most important Scripture written for RC, Eastern Catholics, and Orthodox: “Get out of her my people.”
No c. Honest, how are we supposed to take you seriously when you can’t get that right? The name’s in big letters right at the top. Now, go peddle your crazy somewhere else.
Wow. Usually I can enjoy crazy just for the entertainment value, but that was crazy and boring. Didn’t think that was possible. Hope that doesn’t undermine the thesis of the post.
The best commencement speech I ever heard and/or read! Bravo for speaking the realistic, down-to-earth, day-to-day, ‘this is how it is’ truth!
Excellent! My son graduated from 8th grade last night. Our parish priest invited the mayor to speak at the graduation. He is a cradle Catholic, but dissenting from some core Catholic teachings. He proceeded to tell the graduates and guests that Jesus taught that you have to earn forgiveness. Having my Protestant family present, I was mortified. Another opportunity for them to think those Catholics have it all wrong. Yeesh.
This would have been much better to listen to, than the last commencement address I had to endure. It was my little brother’s graduation, so I couldn’t walk out on the distinguished Catholic conservative speaker…but boy did I want to!
I love this speech! and I agree with Erin manning…my second daughter wants to be a dance major. And I say yes- it she double majors in math or nursing or something (she could handle it)
and anonymous re. being anti-semite…check out a Byzantine Catholic liturgy in a proper church—-it will remind you a bit of Judaism- because we believe that Christianity comes from Judaism- they have/had liturgy, not just Bible study
Simcha, you are refreshing and REAL! Thank you! I have a feeling you may get invited to give a few commencement addresses in the future…
As a member of the Class of ‘11 who just graduated with a BA in—gasp!—JOURNALISM, I say thank you, Simcha. You’re probably closer to the truth than any other advice I’ve gotten so far. ;) p.s. You’re kinda my hero. Seriously.
I have to say…I usually like your articles, but this time all I can think is wow…(that’s sarcasm, btw). HI, guess what, college grads aren’t kids. Believe it or not, we’re 22-25 years old, and we actually pay our own bills. Isn’t that quaint?
“The lives of others may someday depend on you, Mr. Fluffy. Try to make at least some of your current behavior reflect that fact.
So congratulations, graduates! You did it. Some of you worked moderately hard to be here today, and I applaud you. Now go forth, act decent, call your mother from time to time. And remember, nobody’s life ever got better after drinking a rum and Coke. “
Maybe I’m an aberration, or maybe you’re stuck in a middle class mindframe (in which case, this would be helpful to students from the same background), but I had to work my b-u-t-t off in order to make it through college. I didn’t drink (where the heck would I get the money to do that???), I didn’t “thrash around”...with “parent’s money”. You see, the money that my parents did pay is all money that I will re-pay them because it was a loan. I did splurge occasionally though…sometimes I ate at the coffee shop on campus.
I can’t tell you how sick I am of hearing this patronizing lecture.
Really? I had no clue I would have to work after college, and that work is a four letter word! WOW! And I probably only worked “moderately hard”. Yeah, sure, I guess you could call tutoring,farm, and factory work along with 19 credit hours of study “moderately hard”. I guess, coming from a family that knows what its like to literally go hungry, I need to go out and learn about the “real world”.
You know, that world where people think “new clothes” actually comes from a store and not some random garage sale, and furniture matches on occasion without having to improvise. Dang, I really want to visit that real world. Seems cooler than the one I’m in now.
You can bet I’m glad that this part of my life is over. It certainly is going to get better from here on out, because I’m already making a lot more over the minimum wage just due to finally eking out a stupid pretty paper that says I’m smart. I already get to be in a job where “business clothes” means not wearing jeans, goggles, work gloves, and no freaking air-conditioning anywhere, and I get to work a 40 hour work week. I might have to work second and third shift, but its still better than a farm.
Sorry for the rant, and normally I love reading your posts…but I’m just sick of the patronizing tone thrown towards graduates. I don’t think I’m so much of an aberration- there have to be other graduates out there who weren’t a)stupid b)useless c)lazy d)etc etc. I’ve had this “pep-talk” aimed at my generation and it just sickens me. We are not functionally alcoholic/mentally handicapped/ stuck in girl or boy mode. Some of us actually do have lives.
Not to say that I haven’t met students who definitely fit your article…but dang.
Katoriku- I see where you are coming from- I was also a 40 hour a week worker while I was going full-time to college- my parents let me live at home, but that’s it.
I enjoyed this post because I read it mostly for high school graduation- I was an honor graduate- and I worked ‘moderately hard’...during college, I wish someone had encouraged me to get a practical degree- I studied English because I like to read. It worked out for me because my husband is the primary breadwinner and I have been teaching English at the community college level for 18 years (I got my Master’s)...but still
I don’t remember a thing from my college commencement speaker and didn’t look to that speech to give me a whole lot anyway. I think the advice from many of you is spot on about getting a practical degree or learning a trade. They need to give that speech way before commencement!!
Our kids may have a passion for theology, literature, art, dance etc but we are going to make sure they understand when they graduate college they need to find a job and be able to use the skills they gained. If they desire to have a large (or even a small) family with one parent home then they need to know that they should find a means to support a family and understand what that entails for the basics: food, shelter, clothing, health insurance. Of course life can throw us some twists and turns but it is so important to be practical and plan ahead. It seems that there are way to many people that do not think like this.
I think this message needs to be taught more at small uber Catholic colleges that offer interesting majors but not ones that could support a family or that have high hopes for employment upon graduation. I think both men and women should recognize this. I say Catholic colleges because I am more connected to those grads and some of the majors seem creative but useless in real life (in terms of providing a means of supporting yourself and/or family.)
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