Think of [the Magisterium] as the quality control department.

In the land of:

Fix Or Repair Daily

Get a Mechanic

and

Company Has Recommended You Should Learn Every Repair
(makers of the original Just Expect Every Problem)

Are you SURE that’s the best analogy for the magisterium?

Maybe THAT’S why we needed a German Pope…

LOL James

Oh Pat, that’s kind of mean-spirited toward the Jesuits. There’s still a couple of them who don’t smoke dope.
“Be of good cheer!” (John 16:33)
www.merrycatholic.com

For the measly price of a few ‘Our Fathers’, ‘Haily Marys’,—-It cost Jesus His life.  Do not confuse the cost of repentance, with the penance given to change your life.  Archb. Fulton Sheen said “We ere not bought with any some of gold or silver but with the Precious Blood of Jesus Christ, so every time the priest raises his hand in absolution over you, the Blood of Christ is dripping from his fingers.

Lawrence,
Gimme a break, please.

Although the atheist definition is funny and the national catholic distorter is funnier, the concupiscence is without question the funniest and most readily understood in a visceral level.

Consider making this a wiki type site where people can add to an endless litany of humorous definitions. Never mind, I already have to confess wasting time far too often.

This is freaking hillarious! “used to be our best salesmen but ...” BWAHHH!

Excellent!  And made me bust out laughing, too, especially at Mortal Sin.

This is great. Those poor atheists.

First, it’s “What if the Church *were* a car company,” not “was.”  Help the NCR’s reputation here.  Second, I’d love to find something humorous here.  Instead, it reeks of the nasty, uncharitable attitudes that seem to be dominating the public American Catholic sphere.  Ya know, asking questions doesn’t make one a heretic.  Or a Buddhist or a “dope-smoker.”  Those Jesuits, progressives, nuns, and (gasp) even NC Reporter readers are your brothers and sisters in Christ.  Even through the, what, satire here, it sure doesn’t seem that these people are at all valued.

Lighten up, Grace.  Sanctimony does not suit one who speaks of treating some people as brothers and sisters and then accuses others of nastiness, uncharity and not valuing people.  Sure, Pat’s got a mote in his eye.  We all do.  We’re fallen creatures.  Have you checked for anything in your own eye recently?

It is actually ‘was’ not ‘were’.

This is not actually the subjunctive mood.  I am not expressing a wish or hope, merely an analogy.  The subjunctive mood would not be proper.

A good example of the use of subjunctive mood.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t make silly comments.”

Hope this helps.

Cute. Although I must defend the “liturgists” here—the liturgist we have in our parish is excellent: holy, devout, orthodox, and completely concerned with bringing the faithful to a higher form of worship.

“Lighten up, Grace.  Sanctimony does not suit one who speaks of treating some people as brothers and sisters and then accuses others of nastiness, uncharity and not valuing people.  Sure, Pat’s got a mote in his eye.  We all do.  We’re fallen creatures.  Have you checked for anything in your own eye recently?”  Haha!  Now *that’s* funny.  And totally expected.  Anyone who dares joke about the typical readers of the NCR isn’t really a Catholic but the rest (i.e. majority of Catholics) need to “lighten up.”  Neat ethics!  And Pat, sorry—you’re reading of grammar is off.  You’re not using a past indicative here and “was” is still wrong.

I enjoyed this turn of thought Patrick. The Catholic Church has long been treated in the secular media and court as a corporation. This post draws out the reality of what it means to be considered a corporation…to the point of ridicule. Hope it works.

Thanks, Pat, for putting this together.  I shared it on FB and, quite frankly, I was shocked by the “blow back” that I received from one individual - a former parishioner.  He categorized your column as “mean and unholy”!  Reading the comments here, I see there are others who take exception to the fact that you paint in broad strokes (I have known solid Jesuits and nuns, even of a certain generation who are not into Pilates - but these too have a sense of humor and would be able to laugh at your points).  Perhaps biting, I don’t see your points as mean-spirited and uncharitable, but as a light-hearted poking fun at various constituencies in the Church.  Maybe I am missing something here, but I just don’t see this as mean-spirited.  So much for tolerance, eh?

Grace,
I think the use of satire can still value folk as human beings by using humor to highlight our shortcomings.Sometimes we’re blind to our own folly till we see it through another’s eyes.As long as we can laugh at ourselves as well as others, it’s all good.

After reading the “Catholic Owner’s Manual”, I have a greater appreciation for why Pope Emeritus now exists.

Gotta agree with Grace here.  While truth may be objective and some pursuits are more truth-oriented than others, there is no reason to rag on Protestants or denegrate someone for (possibly) finding something of value in Buddhist practices. 
.
I love remembering the Church’s teaching that while the Catholic Church subsists entirely within the Will of God, the Will of God does not subsist entirely within the Catholic Church.
.
The schisms within Christianity may have served to tear apart God’s people, but I believe that God himself will make something good even from those schisms.  Many different paths leading to the same God could possibly help many different people who may not be “pre-disposed” to Catholicism.
.
Perhaps I’m wrong, but if nothing else, this viewpoint helps to remind me that, even as a “non-progressive,” non-dope-smokin’ Catholic, I still don’t have all the answers.

Stinking hilarious and insightful - both arch and bold.  Ah, the lost art of satire and how it’s lost on some people.

Me thinks that those that protest satire are reading the wrong blog.
-
This was hilarious

Love it.  Love the comments almost as much.  Love the fact that I can be a devout Catholic and still laugh.  Feel sad for those who can’t.  Deliberately using bad grammar.  Hope no one strokes out.

Really excellent stuff! Good work!

Pat, ....<strong exhale> .....I need to see you in my office.

If the Catholic Church was a mere car company, I would have sold my stock and gotten out long, long ago. Thank God, it’s not, so I haven’t, mainly due to the excellent warranty. But quality control has indeed suffered in recent times, largely due to increased reliance on untested, modern engineering principles that would not have passed the close inspection of the original founders. None the less, it still gets you from point A to point B in a dependable way, especially on narrow roads.

Would the SSPX be a subsection of Rad-Trads?

Thanks for the giggles!

God Bless

RCIA: a defensive driving course that everyone should have taken in the beginning.

NFP: not driving during rush hour to avoid accidents.

C and E’s:  people who never shut up about driving and cars, but their car is sitting on flat tires and has stale gas.  When they finally get it cranked up, they stall in the street and block people who drive every week.

Bishop: In addition to doing the job of the priest, he also went to school for a long time afterwards and became one of the engineers who put together one of the more recent models.
CDF: The group in charge of making sure the engineer’s stay on task and still make a good product.
V2: No not the German rocket, this is when the company started using hybrid cars (gas/electric) instead of pure gas machines.  Certain groups of Rad-Trads do not accept these as valid models, but still know the timing and quirks of them anyway.

SSPX:  Last car valid to drive was the pre-1989 Porsche 911.  Would gladly drive another car, if only it were built to the very same specs.  Really have to draw the line at automatic transmissions and cars for utilitarian purposes.  Handbooks should be read in the original German.

Mary would ya please take Grace for a ride in your Fiat and then maybe she might just “Lighten UP a little”. :)

http://www.splendoroftruth.com/curtjester/2013/02/what-if-the-church-was-a-car-company/

That will be enough out of YA sinner vic NOW!

Go Figure!:(

Peace

UH OH Pat! Fr. Mitchs’ office…..

@Joe Schmoe—For the SSPX, shouldn’t the manuals be in French? :)

Masterful.  I wish I knew something about cars so I could try to add something funny. 
How fitting that I drive a minivan full of bratty, wailing children and ineffective windsheild wipers, with two broken-jammed-shut sliding doors, usually about 15 miles over the speed limit.  It’s getting me where I need to go, but it’s not pretty.  Clearly a metaphor for my spiritual life.

I am floored! Uh oh Fr. Mitch calling… oops he’s a Jesuit

I wonder what parody could apply to the “sola Scriptura” group who do not accept Tradition?
TeaPot562

What shall you say of ‘Salesians of Don BOsco?’, and remember, Don Bosco had said, “no effort should be spared when the Church and Papacy are at stake”, for Church is the bride of Christ and it is His Body. Mind you, the Salesian family is a big group in the Church.

Sola Scriptura: Backseat driver who read the user’s manual thinking it was the engineering blue print.

Sola Fide: Driving without a headlight, a break light, a park light, with a busted tail pipe and a Sola Scriptura at the back, at night, in the middle of a tropical storm or a harsh winter.

Salesians: Mechanics on minimum wage who are also soccer nuts. Offered a promotion and a raise a couple of times but chose the free-flowing coffee at the cafeteria instead.

Dominicans: Engineers of an engineering group that nobody knows what. Tend to present in design meetings but only those smoking dope can probably understand.

Franciscans: Old technicians.

Augustinians: Very old technicians.

Benedictines: Very very old technicians.

Cardinals: Engineering wizards considered Fellows(top engineering position), that do nothing but write technical papers in which they share with one another as they are the only ones who understand them. They get to choose the COO too.

Baptism: Reservation fee.

First Communion: Deed of absolute Sale

Confirmation: Proof of Purchase

Confession: Preventive maintenance and Oil Change

(((Liturgist: He is that guy who insists on being the driver of the car even though he has no sense of direction and really bad taste in music.  Yeah, that guy.)))

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5ccN7w8b2g

I hear ya! Give “IT” UP sinner vic cause Saint Pat was not talking about YA NOW! :)

Go Figure NOW! :(

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/godandthemachine/2013/02/night-papa/

Peace

Well done Richard P. ! Loved it!!! Nice addition to Sinner Pat (Fr. Mitchs’ office call ;p) j/k Pat :).

<<<<<<Can thank me for Confessional Boxes current existence, :)

God Bless

A note to those offended by the above, while we are to love protestants, rad-trads, etc. we are to HATE protestantism, rad-traditionalism, etc. Love the sinner, hate the sin. Love the heretic, hate the heresy. In the past, our ancestors may have tended to hate both the sin and the sinner. Today the tendency is toward loving the sin because we love the sinner. Both equally are wrongheaded.  The fact that protestants (who we are called to love) are our brothers in Christ means we should HATE protestantism all the more, not all the less. God Bless.

Posted by laura on Wednesday, Feb 27, 2013 10:14 PM (EST):

Masterful.  I wish I knew something about cars so I could try to add something funny. 
How fitting that I drive a minivan full of bratty, wailing children and ineffective windsheild wipers, with two broken-jammed-shut sliding doors, usually about 15 miles over the speed limit.  It’s getting me where I need to go, but it’s not pretty.  Clearly a metaphor for my spiritual life.”
*********************************************************
It might also be a metaphor for the universal Church in that we consist of everyday, imperfect folk of all kinds, colors, & sizes, with daily cares that are inconvenient & fail to run smoothly. The material surroundings of our lives may not be ideal, but the vehicle by which we reach eternity is dependable.
(But don’t tempt fate by speeding, please, you don’t want to get there too early.)

“... by Nathan on Thursday, Feb 28, 2013 10:14 AM: ...while we are to love protestants, ... we are to HATE protestantism,...”

Totally FANNED!

“Anyone who dares joke about the typical readers of the NCR isn’t really a Catholic but the rest (i.e. majority of Catholics) need to ‘lighten up.’”  So sorry, Grace.  Couldn’t tell that you were joking.  Or that you are part of the “majority of Catholics.”  Perhaps Nathan has some insight.

Just another thought, the Catholic standard model’s radio only picks up the Oldies stations from the ‘70s…
:)

“Volkswagen Cabriolet”?

*hysterical laughter*

Seriously though, not all the Jesuits are bad. The only TLM in my archdiocese is done by a young Jesuit.

It’s like lawyers though. 99% give the rest of them a bad name. ;)

Am I part of the majority to which I referred earlier…  Let me answer by quoting and responding to Nathan: “A note to those offended by the above, while we are to love protestants, rad-trads, etc. we are to HATE protestantism, rad-traditionalism, etc. Love the sinner, hate the sin. Love the heretic, hate the heresy.”  If rejecting the view of protestantism as a sin makes me part of the majority, then yes!  I proudly, unabashedly put myself in that group.  Nathan, your view of non-Catholics is scary, mostly because of what it’s led to in the past.  I assume from your comments that you believe Jews are also sinners, then.  If so, I’m happy to recommend some titles from well-respected Christian Holocaust scholars that might enlighten you further about the consequences of such views.  I might also suggest that you view “The Longest Hatred,” which details the relationship between Christianity’s history with supremacist thinking and its very real consequences in conjunction with anti-Judaism (just one example of how viewing other faiths as sinful becomes ugly and oppressive).  This is a long way from the analogy that compares the Church to a car company, but since you brought it up…

I’m willing to bet money that Grace has one of those COEXIST bumper stickers on her model.

http://www.stickershoppe.com/mm5/graphics/00000001/d201.jpg

Geez, do any of the readers here ever refrain from ad hominem attacks?

I don’t know who told you the subjunctive has an intrinsic element of wish or hope to it, but if you paid them money, you got robbed. The subjunctive is how English expresses all its irrealis moods, not just the volitive ones.

Posted by Grace on Thursday, Feb 28, 2013 8:41 PM (EST):

Geez, do any of the readers here ever refrain from ad hominem attacks?”
***************************************************
I find that annoying, too, but leaping to conclusions based on misunderstanding is troubling, also.Wouldn’t it be better to ask for clarification first?

Haha! Brilliant!

Censorship - another wonderfully Christian concept :P

Gee wiz… People on the thread are any of the following:

- On dope
- Constipated
- Peacefully have a sense of humour.

Lighten up folks.

You missed

- Dopey hate mongers
- Fanatics
- Need to be stoned

Nope—people here *can’t* refrain from ad hominem attacks.  Thanks for clearing that up.

Yes. One lady here is really constipated. (face palm)

For crying out loud—what makes you think those sorts of insults are Christian in any way, shape, for form?  It’s Lent: I suggest you check yourself.

For crying out loud (too). Lighten up.

Oh, and its Lent. Not a funeral.

Within the context of the article:

Lent : Car Manufacturing Company Strategic Long Range Planning.

Telling people to “lighten up” when you insult them doesn’t excuse your insults.  Lent isn’t a funeral—but it is a time to evaluate our own behaviors and determine whether they’re truly Christlike.  I don’t imagine Jesus would be calling his followers “constipated” or “dopey.”

First sentence: Again, lighten up.

Second sentence: See my definition of lent in the context of the articled (Exegesis way).

Third sentence: Sure. That’s why my name is Richard. Can you imagine Him calling somebody hypocrite? Or will that violate your Ad Hominem rule?

Richard, you are made in the image of God.  Your unChristlike behaviors aren’t justified because you aren’t the Messiah.  You know, in non-Catholic publications, one has to expect the kind of ugly comments that exist here.  But in the NCR?  I strangely expected folks here would hold themselves to a higher standard.  What?  You don’t like being called out for being unchristian?  Lighten up!

Ms. Grace:

First sentence: I know that.

Second sentence: Nobody’s justifying it but I am in context. Are you?

Third Sentence: You started the ugly comments by commenting out of context with the idea that the article is intrinsically evil when it is not. That thinking is called malice. Isn’t that the biggest evil of all?

Fourth sentence(and fifth): The NCR a high standard. You are kidding me right?

Sixth sentence (or is that 7th or 8th): Call me whatever you want. I’d been called worse (Catholic Taliban, fanatical, dumb, and handsome). But I’m not the one who sounds constipated. Note though that you need to practice what you preach.

Last Sentence: Have some originality.

*Did* I call this article “evil”?  You’ll have to remind me where.  Pointing out unchristian attitudes isn’t malice—basic Catholic teachings might have to be revisited here.  The next time you pray, consider that you have lobbed hurtful and ugly words at your fellow Christians.  I can’t think of any validation for that sort of thing.

Ms. Grace:

Sure. But the article above is satire. Never mind.

Thanks,

Richard

Sure.  But some satire can be in awfully bad taste, which was my original comment.  And of course the *article* is meant to be satire—your comments aren’t.

Ms. Grace,

Bad taste? Okay. It is satire. And my comments are not satire primarily because it was intended to point out that the article is satire.

Seriously, and this is me unchristian-like.  The reason why I react is that you seem to presume that the people who are reading the posts are kids. You even presume that I don’t know my faith. That’s conceit. Now why would you do that? If you find it bad taste then so be it. Does it justify you thumbing down people and even become the grammar police? Is that charity that follows the tradition of caritas in veritate?

Now, I want to stop because its not helping you and me. I am sorry if you felt hurt by my lobs. That was not the intention.  However, think also that you are being uncharitable.

I’ll stop. Consider this as shareholder disagreement. We disagree but we still hold valid shares.

Wait, pointing out poor grammar in a professional publication is now a problem, too?  That’s…weird.  I don’t care about grammar in comments, but I expect any professional writer to want to reflect positively on his own skills through his writing.  I don’t presume anyone here is a child.  Quite the contrary!  I expect adult conversation.  I don’t understand why a criticism of this article means I’m being uncharitable—questioning isn’t the same thing as being ungenerous.  It’s not been my intention to be hurtful either, and I’ll accept that it wasn’t your goal.  In any case, good Lent to you.

Ad hominem is not a fancy word for rude, Grace. The ad hominem is a logical fallacy, namely mentioning some personal failing of the other party AS IF IT DISPROVED THEIR ARGUMENT. Has anyone actually claimed that anyone’s ideas are disproved by their personal failings?

Ad hominem attacks are those that attack the person giving the argument, rather than the argument itself.