You’ve hit something here, although I believe “the world” would flip if anyone would suggest something like this. But, it does seem somewhat against nature for the youth to wait so long to get married - and not fallen human nature, but even graced human nature. I think the flaws injected into the human life, of which vocations like marriage are a key component, have been structural and intentional: an implementation of Dewey’s dreams, to produce a more productive “working class”. Perhaps it’s time for (some) Catholics to opt out. Maybe we need a “new normal”: Marriage around 16-21, until death do you part. (Mary wasn’t particularly older than this under any calculations, so we know the grace is available to the rest of us too). Marriage-friendly colleges (seriously, why is a 19 old male sharing a dorm room with a bunch of other degenerate males, when they could share one with their wife just as well, and they could trade off class with them schedules while watching the children? There’s plenty of free time in college life.) An extended family life (the “natural family” isn’t the atomic one, really - it’s the extended one, with the man-woman at the core, overlapping like the persons of the Trinity, without amixture but acting in concert.) Work well, live poor (by which I mean - within your means), finish raising the kids. Consider whether religious life might be a mutual calling at 65. Die, go to heaven. Teenagers are immature because they are kept that way, intentionally. I don’t think this is, ultimately, natural. Oh, certainly, the couple will be inexperienced, but all newlyweds are: that isn’t really a product of age or time, but of interior grace and wisdom.(copied/better formatted to my blog:Ex Couchthedra http://jrpresearch.org/blog)

Last Sunday I was asking my wife, a novice author, to write a novel about two ultra-committed-to-the-Lord, popular, financially stable (he has inherited a business which someone manages for him), teenage married Catholics, who are a beacon of Christian light for their peers as they begin their last year of high school together.  My wife wouldn’t bite, but I still like the idea.  Is that too young? or would that fit within the scope of your wonderings here?

To find yourself in loving service to your spouse and children, now that’s a truly Catholic way of doing things. I see many happy couples who married young and grew up together. And were pure when they married.

Further more women were not built to have kids later in life. We were built to have Our children when we are in our teens and young twenties, definently not past the age of thirty.

Claire H, I have several children charging around my house who would beg to differ with your “not past thirty” comment.  I started twenty-one, mind you, but fully half of my large family has arrived since I was thirty.  I’m pushing forty now, but perhaps there’s still a baby or two coming down the pike, if that’s in God’s plans…

The “need” (imagined or real) for college and career has certainly pushed the idea of marriage to a later time.  However, I’m also pretty sure that if I had met someone at 16 that I planned to marry, it wouldn’t have been a good choice.  I’m not sure that marrying substantially earlier—say in one’s teens—is necessarily a good idea, but there’s something to be said for not waiting until one is 30, either.  Interesting points to ponder…

I didn’t get married until I was 36 because I didn’t meet my husband until I was 34. I didn’t meet him until I was 34 because it took that long for the Lord to lead me to the right man.  Before that, I went to college, pursued a wonderful career, and became a strong and devout Catholic.  To suggest that “society has messed them up so much by a decade of self-centeredness that they will probably make lousy spouses” is pompous and ignorant. 

Those who choose to succumb to societal pressures do so because they choose to.  But some of us take the commitment of marriage very seriously. I have seen many marriages of friends last less time than their current job. I have watched people have serial marriages.  But I waited for the right man, and God has blessed me with a wonderful marriage.

While I agree we need to celebrate and encourage marriage, to suggest that those who marry later are self-centered is abuts generalization and an insult. And it does NOT help convince people of the sacred nature of marriage and family.

Another thought: given the biological instinct to procreate, does delaying marriage only lead to fornication and out-of-wedlock children? A lot of people think marriage is for your 30’s, but can’t fathom delaying sexual activity.

My wife and I were 23 when we got married. We got pregnant 2 months in. Then again when our first was only 5months old. It’s been rough from time to time, and we’ve had to do a lot of scraping by, but we have a strong marriage and a deep love for our kids that I can’t imagine having if I’d have followed the advice of family and waited until I was “ready” for all that. Instead, I’d have mixed up my priorities: career, then sex, then stuff, then spouse, then kids. No good. Absolutely no good.

So glad I got married young. I have very little property, but I have the happy family many men in delayed marriages keep seeking to no fruition. I have the end goal, without all the struggle to reach it. God is good!

Interesting post, I think I find much in it with which I agree. However, being an orthodox young Catholic man attending University I can think of one important reason I and many of my friends would lean towards marriage *after* college: kids.  I’ve invested a good chunk of time and money into my education and have incurred some modest debt, if I want to have more than 3 or 4 kids I need a decent job to support a large family… that means a B.A. at least in most cases.  I don’t think getting married in school and then using NFP for the first few years of marriage is really a great idea.  If I’m not ready to have children (financially/circumstantialy), I’m not ready to enter into a relationship of which children are the result.  Thoughts?

Greg, I think that’s reasonable, although it wouldn’t be fair to pin down universal rules for everyone on that. I know some people who very responsibly got married and had kids in college. It can be done, but I think in this workforce, if you want a job that requires a college degree, you should probably get it before introducing new factors such as marriage and children, but be careful. Don’t mix up your priorities in the process. You want a job for the sake of your future family. The career serves the vocation.

If you feel called to a job that doesn’t require college, then why wait? I also think way too many people are in college wasting money because they don’t really need to be. It just needs to be said. It probably doesn’t apply to you.

I understnad what you’re saying, Greg. As an orthodox young Catholic woman in college, I realize that now or immediately after I graduate might not be the best time to get married because college has already caused me to incur quite a bit of debt. I also know that if I’m called to marry, the chances aren’t good that my husband will make enough for me to stay home if God gives us a big family. In that case, I’ll also need to find a job to pay off my debt, and to work when the children are born and going through school. Also, using NFP for the first few years of marriage could easily lead to adopting the culture’s “contraceptive mentality”, which would undoubtedly harm the marriage. It’s a hard line for many of us to walk, becuase we want to be faithful to God’s Will, but we have to be mindful of our worldly responsibilities as well.

Great post. Truly we begin thinking seriously about life when we are married and facing parenthood.

Matt, I worked with a man who pushed every young man he saw in a relationship to think about marriage.  He was probably thinking what you are thinking, but with one young man in particular, it was obvious he was in a very troubling relationship. Despite this the boss’s thinking was since they had slept together that was it.  He should marry her. So he kept sugar coating the serious problems and pushing the boy, nineteen or twenty, toward marriage. There is a blindness to that that is very troubling.  There is also something that is not “love” that is at work in that.  Children need to know that society’s values are not their friend and that God is real and loves them and He has a plan and He is holy but He is also forgiving when we repent.  Encouraging a great relationship is great, but when a kid isn’t in a great relationship or is in a good one that will not include God, then I wouldn’t encourage it for the sake of “purity” or promoting marriage.  True purity is in the heart and can be in the heart of people who have made many mistakes.  This leads to very superficial and judgmental Catholicism, I fear.

What an excellent conversation and one every parent must have with their children!  It comes down to VOCATION!  Parents need to be bold and talk to their kids about what is God’s plan for their life - beginning at birth (sort of).  Not what society says, not what “MTV’ dictates but the Author and Creator of Life.  Some will be called to religious life, others married and some single but if parents think their kids will automatically know they are not fulfilling their duties.

I am not talking about shoving a vocation down their throats but how many kids just follow the pack, like lemmings, without being asked about or introduced to their options?  Parents need to brave enough to talk to their kids (more than once) about what they are thinking about in regard to their future, what they like, what interests them and their skills and abilities.

The reality of it all though remains the cost of living here in America from housing costs to the grocery bill.  Many young couples would find paying for even the basics a challenge without the income that comes from a college degree.  And while the notion of married couples in a dorm, there are some colleges who do that but forget about having kids and how do you prevent that except for contraception - for most/all of those couples.  That’s a no-go for Catholic couples.

And who is paying for that and will the debt incurred in college?  It makes the thought of children intimidating.

Not everyone is called to marry young - as clear by some posts.  But some are - my dh was 19 and I was 21.  It was hard but w/ God as the third member of the marriage it has lasted 28 yrs. w/ 11 children (three coming after I was 40). 

Being open to God’s will, being open to the life HE is calling you to is the only path to take.  He may very well introduce you to your spouse when you are young but He may hold back until you are older.  Just keep working in the Kingdom and see what God brings forth.

However, I know from friends and family that too many Catholic young adults - with no obvious impediment to marriage - are failing to make a commitment because they are caught up in the selfishness and materialism of today’s world and are convinced that something/someone better is around the corner.  They spend their money on themselves (buying gadget after gadget but no money for charities),  time on their own pursuits (playing computer games all night after work and therefore too busy to volunteer) and seeing nothing wrong with it because that is what all their friends are doing.

We lost a generation of young people to the sexual revolution and now we are losing them to the technology revolution.  Parents need to talk to their older teens/young adults about the reality that how they spend their time today will affect their eternity.

My husband and I were just shy of 21 when we got married. We needed our parents permission…  My husband was in college at the time and I had just graduated from nursing school.  We were young, in love, and pennyless, but we were not afraid of the future.  Our birthdays were just three days apart, so we literally grew up together as married couples.  “In those days” people wanted to get married asap (1 year engagement.) as they didn’t sleep together or live together and the sexual desire was a strong promotor to get hitched…  It was 1967 and all these years later, we have NO regrets.  We have four children and two grandchildren.  My husband always worked hard and slowly built a career for himself in the construction business.  I worked for the first few years and then on occasion as a partime nurse.  My lovely parents had paid all of my tuition, which wasn’t huge in those days so I didn’t have that problem.  We paid my husbands tuition as we went along.  I was able to stay at home and raise our four children.  We didn’t live extravagantly, living in apartments and small houses at first until we bought our present house.  We could have had many more material things and a much fancier house, but we decided the kids needed their mother at home and they never really were deprived of anything that makes kids happy.  We went on simple vacations in Maine at a camp on a beautiful lake that only cost us $150/week.  The kids and I often stayed a month with my husband driving up from Rhode Island on the weekends and then staying for his vacation. I feel sorry for young people today…they have so many expenses before they even think about marriage and children.  We’ve created a society where you can’t buy a home unless both spouses are working…espcially if we are not willing to live simply and start out slowly.  But if you’re already in your 30s when you start, it’s hard to not go for the Macmansion right away.  I say…get married young, live simply and don’t be afraid to have children.  They make you mature and become better people immedeatly.

I’m back from reading Mark Shea’s recent post on talents (watching the young man play the accordion was beyond what I’ve ever seen w/ that seemingly dowdy instrument).

I thought his recommendation to the Catherine of Siena’s Institute’s materials on discerning charisms might be a helpful tool for families who have older teens and young adults still struggling to find themselves.  Too often our young adults don’t get married because they are lost and can’t seem to find purpose in their lives.  And I mean that sincerely and not sarcastically.  Our well-formed young people are a minority in this pagan world and that can make for some feelings of loneliness and frustration.

If we, as parents, can help them along that path it might give them both the confidence and encouragement they need to seek marriage rather than avoid commitment.  Check out Mark’s post for the link.

I think every Catholic should be *prepared* to marry young, whether the right person comes along early or later, because you prepare yourself for what is important to you.  A delayed marriage to “find yourself” or in pursuit of financial security is absolutely wrongheaded, and shows some alarming priorities. 

My husband and I were on the extreme young side (17 and 18) but 9 years later we made it through college together and graduated on time, have 5 children, are both advancing well in our respective fields of work and have better knowledge of ourselves and each other than we would otherwise.  And because of the relative timing, it is likely that we’re hitting double digits of kids while still young enough for pregnancy to not be as taxing as I imagine it will be when we are in our late 30s.  Delayed marriage does preclude the existence of the kids that would be born in the early adult life of the parents, and quite frankly the kids that I had when I was “too young to be having kids” are phenomenal, wonderful children and I am so grateful to have them knowing that if we had waited a couple of years we would not have had these particular children.  They are so much worth the additional juggling required when you have children during college.

In summary, people should get married as soon as possible and not one moment sooner.

A Catholic family had their Priest at their home for dinner one evening,  after a time the Priest asked the little daughter “what she was going to do when she got as big as her mommy”...without hesitation the little girl replied…diet.

I am not sure that urging all Catholics to marry young is a good idea.  Oh, I agree that much of society’s current ideas about what young single people should do is completely wrong headed.  That being said, I think we need to recognize that marrying young was not Universal in the past, even for countries that were very Catholic.  In Ireland for example, in my grandparents and parents generations, generally only the first son had the financial security to marry young (because he would inherit the farm).  The other sons would often have to work to save money for a farm or would emigrate.  My Grandfather came to America in 1911 and worked until he was 1919 earning money; then he returned to Ireland found a wife and got married.  I can tell similar stories about my other Grandfather and my Dad.  Now, granted, the women they married were younger than them (actually much younger, but that was pretty normal), but the point is, these are men who grew up in an Ireland that was still devoutly Catholic and all of them were devout and they were not unusual.

The issue I think is that we should be urging men and women to not start dating until they are really looking for a husband or wife.  You can get married at 22 and already have 7 or 8 years of promiscuity behind you or you can get married at 30 and have been chaste.  Of the two, I will give better odds on the 30 year old having a good marriage.

During the marriage prep process the Deacon asked my wife and me for examples or people who inspired us toward the married life…sadly, neither of us used our own parents as examples…seems that the choice of vocation must begin within the family…and the values within that family unit…prayer, humility, sacrifice and trust.  St Maria Faustina wrote that “Trust is Hope based on Faith expressed in Love”

To the college students who have been writing; its good to have a plan for finishing college and paying off the debt, however, don’t forget our generous God. I was in my late 20’s still saddled with college debt, and out of work, when I married. My husband had a seasonal job and no high school diploma. When God gave us the gift of expecting our first child 6 months into our marriage, we were thrilled and frightened. Soon he got a permanent job, and a GED, I got a temporary job with health insurance, and our friends and family provided for the baby’s needs with FIVE baby showers!
The house, another miracle, followed when she was a toddler. God cannot be undone in generosity, trust your future to Him.

My husband and I married young – we were both 23. So I obviously have no problem with people marrying young, or at least what society considers young these days. I do think our society is very condescending towards young adults in general and basically treats them like children. Even our devout Catholic parents wanted us to wait to get married. 

That being said, I don’t necessarily think it’s a good idea to encourage everyone to marry young across the board. The whole idea of a “right age” to get married, whether that’s older or younger, is strange to me. The right age to get married is whatever age you happen to be when you meet the person you want to marry. I didn’t expect to get married until my late 20’s, because that’s what my parents told me to do. Then I met my future husband at 18. But many people don’t meet someone they want to marry until later in life.

Also, while I think most people in their early 20s are capable *emotionally* of marriage, assuming they’ve met the right person and have been well-formed in their faith, fewer and fewer are capable *financially,* especially with the way the economy is these days. I think there’s a big difference between delaying marriage solely to have fun and “find yourself” and delaying marriage so you can be more financially secure. The former is selfish, but the latter is prudent. Financial stress can be extremely hard on a marriage.

My husband and I had a surprise pregnancy after we had been married 3 months. Our original plan was that I would stay home or work part-time once we had kids, but since we had a child sooner than we had planned, I had to go back to work full-time for several years. This was not what we wanted and was extremely stressful. I was constantly getting sick that first year of being a working mother. To be perfectly honest, if we were going to have a child right away, it would have been better if we had married later when we were more financially secure. I am far less idealistic than I used to be and have no romantic notions about financial struggle. I shudder to think about being married while still in college, still completely dependent on our parents, trying to use NFP to avoid pregnancy – I think I’d rather never get married than live like that. The commenter above who talked about college students trading off watching their kids since they have “so much free time” is so out of touch with reality it’s scary.

Also, you have to consider the possibility that people change. My husband was a devout Catholic when we married and now is basically agnostic and only goes to church because of me and the kids. Sometimes I wonder if my spouse would have been less likely to change so dramatically if we had both been older when we married.  I honestly don’t know. I know there are many people who were devout Catholics in their early 20s and never change, and I know people can change at any age. Marriage is ultimately a gamble, at any age.

This is not a very thoughtful post.  I say this not because I disagree (I don’t).  I say it because it is insensitive to the very serious nature of the problem(s) it addresses. 

First and foremost, if one wants to suggest that young Catholics marry young, then one has to tackle this: it is an empirical fact that those who do marry young are OVERWHELMINGLY more likely to get divorced.  Now, we need to take a serious look at this empirical data and try to find out why this is the case. 

Second, we need to take seriously just how culturally isolated such young folks will be: on campus, at work, among their friends.  They will be treated like freaks, especially the more they inhabit “sophisticated” circles.  I live in a very wealthy area of Chicago.  When my husband and I got married and had our first kid at 28, everyone treated us like we were crazy teenagers.  So, imagine if we had done that at 21 (well, I doubt we would have been in that wealthy neighborhood if we had, so maybe it wouldn’t have been an issue).

Third, marriages don’t last unless there is a marriage culture.  This is especially true the younger and more immature (socially and professionally) the spouses are.  I fear at this point that the only young people we can ask to do this, at this stage in history, are those from strong, healthy families who have an intact Catholic community they can rely upon for support.  And that support includes very strong and orthodox pre-Cana (something most Catholics have ZERO access to).

My point is that this issue is far more dangerous than this post is willing to let on.  But if we want to get real about it, we need to really get real, and think long and hard about what we need to change before we press our children to get hitched early.

Jennifer, I’d agree that we need to make sure that young people are not prematurely marrying, but quite frankly we need to be asking ourselves why they aren’t capable of making lifelong commitments at the same ages that humans have made that commitment in far more harsh and demanding conditions for thousands of years.  If kids are not ready for adult responsibility while having adult freedom, that is on the parents to a certain degree.  Not entirely, but quite a bit.

I understand what you are saying, Pat, and in an earlier, simpler time, you would be right.  But today, a full college education is required for a great many jobs for which as late as the 1950’s and early 1960’s a high school diploma and a good, strong work ethic sufficed.  Then two years of junior college sufficed; but that is not the case now.  So many jobs and professions now require a college degree - and even some experience in the field to be competitive for hiring. 

I can see not waiting until a young person “has made his or her fortune” and is financially secure to marry; but marrying before completing a college education would have a detrimental effect on a young person’s future, denying him or her entrance into the most lucrative jobs and professions.  Married students have a rougher time in college and professional school.  Is that what you are proposing is best for them?

Shouldn’t the focus instead be on increasing the intensity of the catechesis and formation of the consciences of children and young people - and young adults so that when they finally do marry, divorce will be unthinkable?

i dont think they should get married at a younger age.for the reason is the marrage will not last for more than 6mo. 25 years old is a good age do it . thats when i got married at 25 an were going on 34yrs of marrage on july 1.that is my oppion of this 25 is a good age

We live in a society where it is no longer graduate from high school and go find yourself.  Sex is something that our society has approved to be “taught” to children at twelve and thirteen.  Even if you can opt your child out of the program, what is one to do to keep them from peers who have not.  Marriage is a vocation, sexual intercourse is to be kept within that vocation.  I guess I find it a no-brainer that while children are presented with sex ed at an increasingly younger age, marriage is pushed out in the indefinite no-man’s land of stability?  Really?  How stable are people in our hook-up culture?

My mom asked my grandma why she didn’t tell her about sex before she was married.  My grandma said it would be like telling someone about eating a chocolate ice cream cone and then telling them they can’t have one yet.  Today our children are told every way to enjoy the ice cream cone as well as every way to avoid its consequences from the world’s perspective.

The hook-up culture is no longer the land of twenty-somethings, it is increasingly the culture of tweens and teens.

You can’t say marriages were better a century ago.  How do you know this?  Were you married then?  Would you say there was less spousal sexual and physical abuse back then?  What sources are you drawing on to make the conclusion that marriages were better?  The fact that divorce was illegal, women couldn’t work or support themselves (and their 10 kids) without a man so they couldn’t leave a destructive marriage isn’t even comparable to the equal marriages we have today.

But according to the author society was better off when women were married young and were nothing more than baby factories.  You know 100 years ago women couldn’t even vote in Canada.

How was equality in the marriage back then?

(My wife and I have been married 11 years at 20 with 4 children)

I agree with you Pat.

@Adam, why do you say that women were “nothing more than baby factory” ?  Sorry, but before we saw also women as created at the image of God…  And giving birth is one of the greatest thing a woman will do in her life as fatherhood is also the greatest thing a man will do in his life.  Don’t generalize with the wrong people that were not respecting women.  There were many people respecting women.  Today, many don’t think that either man or woman is created at the image and likeness of God.

Amen. I am a young convert and I married my wife at 22 (I am now 23) and it is the best decision I ever made. Nothing will further the growth of holiness and dying to self (and force you to “grow up”) like marriage.

I would encourage young men out there to take marriage seriously, date to marry, and raise families that will further the mission of Christ’s Church.

It is reasonable that a boy should have good education and job so that he is able to maintain a family , before marriage. By the age of 20—21 graduation and a job next year is possible Those who want higher education like medicine engineeing etc may take more time In India most of the marriages are held by the age of 25 About 25 percent of highly educated boys marry betwen 25 and 30 Most of the marriages are successful There is a prevalence of the feeling that divorce is wrong. Of course the modern culture of the developed countries is making inroads.

I respect the ideas expressed here, and can relate to them.  My wife and I began dating at 17, with the understanding that you wouldn’t date someone you wouldn’t marry, and that courtship is for such a purpose.  We married at 21, and this month celebrated 13 years of being a couple and 8 1/2 years of marriage.

I can see where it is a hard pill to swallow for some, but if the relationship is started under the correct intentions, there’s really no trepidation in the outcome of marriage.

>You can’t say marriages were better a century ago.  How do you know >this?  Were you married then?  Would you say there was less spousal >sexual and physical abuse back then?  What sources are you drawing on to >make the conclusion that marriages were better?  The fact that divorce >was illegal, women couldn’t work or support themselves (and their 10 >kids) without a man so they couldn’t leave a destructive marriage isn’t >even comparable to the equal marriages we have today.

Amen , Adam ! Necessity made a good portion of our foremothers put up with all kinds of crap . (The same was undoubtedly true of our forefathers.)

Oh yeah, let’s go back to those “wonderful” times when all good girls were married at 13 and those poor women who were unmarried at 25 were called spinsters! Wouldn’t that automatically make us better Catholics?

I guess I should start wearing black, since I’m 36 and unmarried. Luckily, I don’t live in that mythical “golden age” where all women were required to marry before 25 or be destined to be alone for the rest of their lives. I should also say that I’m pretty happy the way I am and don’t consider myself a spinster, what a scandal!

What’s next, forbidding women to go to university, since they should all be housewives only?

Frankly, I expected much better from you, Pat. Not everybody is destined to marry young, in fact, I’ve met PLENTY of couples that married too young, and were either divorced at 30 or filled with many regrets for not having waited a little longer. Marrying young is not a solution for anything, especially if you marry the wrong person or aren’t ready to make a lifelong committment!

“You can’t say marriages were better a century ago.  How do you know this?  Were you married then?  Would you say there was less spousal sexual and physical abuse back then?  What sources are you drawing on to make the conclusion that marriages were better?  The fact that divorce was illegal, women couldn’t work or support themselves (and their 10 kids) without a man so they couldn’t leave a destructive marriage isn’t even comparable to the equal marriages we have today.”

So very true. I’ve heard many old people talk about their married life (or the life of their ancestors) and according to them, physical abuse was very common. Also, many people married very young not because they wanted to be “holier” or even because they were in love, but because it was the only way a woman could support herself. Unmarried women were a burden on their families, and their lives were pretty depressing in general, being dependent on the generosity of their relatives to survive.
We also need to remember that life expectancy a long time ago was extremely short, and most children died in infancy, thus the need to marry younger.

While I do not disagree with some of what you say, I do think that it is important to be educated before you are married. Most kids should be able to obtain a four year degree in their early 20’s.

Like it, or not, you may well be chronically unemployed, if you are not educated. I used to be a divorce lawyer and nothing breaks up marriages more than than situations where people are not able to support themselves.

I married at 21 and we started a family right away.  I married my husband for many reasons but the main was is that he brought me closer to Christ, my ultimate goal in life.  I have a girl friend getting married this summer at age 36 who never dated before meeting her fiance a year ago.  She’s doing the same thing for the same reasons, and what a blessing she has been to her community during her single life.

@ Jennifer, can you tell me where I can find the study that states, “...
an empirical fact that those who do marry young are OVERWHELMINGLY more likely to get divorced.”

I realize the divorce rate in the US is at 50% but that includes 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc. marriages, so first marriages aren’t as bad as the 50% stat, but I’d like to see what a study has to say about young first marriages of Catholics.

I was married young and could have been one of those divorces but when my wife and I accepted the Church’s teaching for family life (Humane Vitae, Familiaris Consortio, etc) it made our relationship deeper and more intimate.

I’m not lazy i worked for 40 yrs an had to go out on disable cause buy smoking.i work out at the ymca 5day a week. i go for walks to take picture of mother natuer evreyday, it so peaceful out there. iwish i could work. my marriage is still in tack. this friday is are anerv. for 34 years. show me a youg couple can do that. i hope i can make my 50th anv.. if god dont take me yet.. see i got evereything ready at the V.A hospital in dayton even my plot.. an my prest there at va.so dont say what about other people untile you check then out,  see I’m ready to go on my part. an it’s the best 34yrs i ever had with my wife an kids an grandkids. see my wroting not ot good i hohe you understand on my part ok god bless

Pat, I agree with your general premise that families should encourage their children to marry and promote marriage as a vocation. But, you are quite mistaken when you say that throughout history people have married young. The average age for marriage in the U.S. was lowest in the 1950s (about 18 for women), and was never so low either before or after that time. For instance, in the American colonies, people didn’t marry until they were 26, 27, 28 years-old. And, in Western Europe, historically, only the aristocracy married young; the vast majority of people, the commoners, married later. Then, as now, primary considerations for marriage have been heavily influenced by economic factors in the society at large. The issue is much more complex than you suggest. Oh, and the readers who say that young age at marriage (at least in this country) is nowadays a risk factor for divorce are exactly correct- particularly when considering teen marriage. It is the single best predictor of divorce. Fortunately, relatively few in this country marry in their teens now.

To Greg and Christina, I completely understand your fears and rationalization for postponing marriage until after graduation. But that being said I would like to counter your “logic” with a little faith. God guides each of us on our path and to our spouse at the perfect time whether we can see it or not. As a college student straight out of high school I had big plans and dreams. I was a devout Catholic, but my plans did not include a spouse or children until after graduation and the begining of my career, till I was ready. God had other plans. He showed me my husband and we were married and pregnant the same day. :) I didn’t let it upset “my” plans. I got very sick which delayed my education which aggrivated me and “my” plans. We had our first son and 18 months later his little brother, who also made me deathly ill. My husband and I put my education on hold to try for a girl. During this time off from school I reevaluated “my” plan to try to find God’s plan for me, because apparently I was way off.
After our third son, my husband and I decided that I may not survive another pregnancy so we used NFP to postpone a pregnancy. After the time I had spent in the hospitals I decided that where I was truly meant to be was a nurse and not my original selfish and fun dreams. I went back to college and my husband and I felt called to relax our use of NFP and put God totally in control. With our fourth son I did not get sick and my schooling was not delayed I graduated with honors and am now employed caring for sick kids. My husband and I are now expecting our fifth child. I have a beautiful family that gives me more everyday than I could have ever dreamed.

In “my” plan I would just now be getting married and maybe be expecting my first child. I would have money and no debt, but I would have missed so much that money can’t buy; a wonderful,loving husband, four beautiful little boys, a baby on the way, a wonderful career helping others in need. All of this because I listened to God when he put a wonderful young man in front of me who stole my heart and made me take that slight deviation from “my” plan at the ripe age of 19.

Listen to where God calls you, even when it doesn’t fit “your” plan and timing. God’s timing is perfect.

As someone who has just become engaged at the age of 41 (through circumstance not choice), I am not too sure I would advocate very young people to get married. Some should, if they have the emotional and spiritual maturity to do so, but for many it would be a grave mistake. For me, and for my fiance, coming from family backgrounds filled with violence and abuse, it has taken many years to heal and learn how to trust. Unfortunately, given the scourge of broken families that has become all too common in our time, many young people are quite damaged by the time they finish school. I speak not just from my own experience either. I was talking with a religious sister last year who said that many of the young women who came to her, expressing a desire for religious life, had to be sent away as they often exhibited psychological problems due to their fractious family life. And these were devout, committed, Catholic women.

There is very little in our modern, media-driven culture which upholds the ideas of wholesome family life and self-sacrifice. Couple rampant individualism with broken family life and you end up with young people who are not prepared for the demands of marriage and family life.

I was married at 19, and we have been married over 20 years.

I was still in college, so we lived in married student housing. It was a very small/very affordable apartment on campus. Do colleges not provide this type of housing anymore?

If you are called to marriage and are mature enough to profess your vows, I do not have a problem with younger adults getting married.

I think the culture just expects young adults to wait until: they have a great education, can buy a house, have no debt and a large 401(k).

I think that is a mistake.

Greg, If you can remain celibate while you get in better circumstances then go for it! You may find that as you grow closer to God you have a vocation to the priesthood. If not you will have less stress. 
Christina, Using NFP shouldn’t put you in the contraceptive mentality if you are discussing why you are using it with a Holy, Orthodox Priest.  How about starting up a Catholic daycare?  Bet there would be alot of people who would love to know their little ones aren’t being fed the secular agenda!

Wow maybe instead of insulting single women with this idea that good Catholic men are just waiting outside your door at age 19 to marry young women and it was a choice to wait until later to get married - you should have written an article about how blessed that God allowed YOU to find your vocation and your spouse at a young age.

What’s often never stated is that while it’s true that you don’t HAVE to wait until you have not only the college degree, but the graduate degree, debt paid off, bought a house and have some kind of financial cushion, I can tell you that IF it works out that you’ve managed to do these things, life can be so much easier.  It’s still hard; life and marriage is never a piece of cake, but financial ease is a huge balm to married life. 

And I don’t like when it’s suggested that not waiting for these securities (i.e. being poor/in debt) is following God’s plan for your life, but being financially stable isn’t.

This is more of just sharing my own experience rather than commenting on what has already been posted… When growing up (I was the youngest of four, homeschooled by two faithful Catholic parents), I’m not sure if it was intentional or accidental, but I was given very little contact with those of the other sex who were my age. At age 15, I went to discern the priesthood at a minor seminary (all boys boarding school) and continued on into the major seminary for two years. After that time, with much prayer and discernment, I understood God was not calling me to that vocation. But when I returned to the “world” because I had not dealt with girls/women, the married vocation was not on my radar. Yes, I found some women to be great friends, but my dealing with them was almost one of “over-respect”, meaning I knew the dangers men can fall into being too close to a woman outside of marriage, so I didn’t get involved at all. This was a mistake. Because I had only ever been around guys my entire life, I looked for emotional support and affection from that group. This in turn developed into an inappropriate habit towards my own gender (which never became public, but influenced how I spent my time online…use your imagination). But in my mind I knew it was wrong and have been trying to overcome it. Everyone needs someone to love, and I knew it needed to be the opposite sex. So I made the effort to get out of my shell. I have a girlfriend now, though I have yet to share my past with her. But through all of this, I can’t help but feel there could have been more emphasis when I was growing up on meeting girls. I remember for the longest time thinking that a “vocation” was only the priesthood. Yes, I am turning my life around, but I would have liked to have met my girlfriend before now, and perhaps be further along by now. So in relation to the topic, I wish marrying young had had more emphasis in my family, especially since only my older sister is married and us three boys are still testing the waters. My oldest brother has no girlfriend and shows no interest in the prospect. And my other brother and I, just met ours this past year. Getting started early sure seems like it would have been easier.

“Speaking from experience, from the time I turned twenty-one until I got married in my thirties, I learned nothing other than how to be a narcissistic jerk. I learned more about who I really am in my first two years of being a husband and a father than during that entire lost decade.”

Did it ever occur to you that during “that lost decade” God might have made you mature enough to recognize your narcissism? Perhaps you weren’t ready to marry when you were younger. I sure wasn’t, and, thankfully neither was my wife, or we wouldn’t have met, married, and had children. Neither were my friends at my all male Catholic high school, but they followed the “marry young” philosophy and nearly are all divorced now. That correlates well with national divorce statistics based on age at time of marriage. Sixty percent of all marriages between the ages of 20 and 25 end in divorce. (The number drops to below 10% for first marriages past 30.) Is evidence part of God’s plan of instruction, or are we to ignore it as if it’s not there?

More and more, NCR seems to post opinion on doctrine, rather than doctrine itself, to provide “advice.” I believe this is non-productive.

Canon 227 reads:
“The lay Christian faithful have the right to have recognized that freedom which all citizens have in the affairs of the earthly city. When using that same freedom, however, they are to take care that their actions are imbued with the spirit of the gospel and are to heed the doctrine set forth by the magisterium of the Church. In matters of opinion, moreover, they are to avoid setting forth their own opinion as the doctrine of the Church.”

Now, this author may claim he’s just expressing an opinion. Well, OK, but that opinion is no more Catholic, and has no more weight of theology behind it, than does the opinion that given the imperfection of today’s world, it may behoove someone to wait until the calling of his conscience is clear on the matter. As Veritatis Splendor points out, Catholics have always been called to follow the dictates of a well informed conscience. Inform your conscience on this issue, and follow it. (Don’t forget the well informed part, though, which these days is often translated to “anything you feel.”) God will call you when you are ready, not when someone else says you are, or by any “rule of thumb.”

Tom

You said “Now, this author may claim he’s just expressing an opinion. Well, OK, but that opinion is no more Catholic, and has no more weight of theology behind it”

Well, who said otherwise?  This is a blog, not a part of the newspaper, Tom.  This is the part where every day Catholics discuss stuff.  Ya know, what we think and stuff and then other people can say what they think about stuff.

As per your question “Did it ever occur to you that during “that lost decade” God might have made you mature enough to recognize your narcissism? Perhaps you weren’t ready to marry when you were younger.”

No.  Any other questions?

My apologies. I thought this was written under the banner of the NCR, and, as you point out, it is not.

Sorry for the intrusion.

Great job, Pat.
Now for the real question…how do we strong Catholic families with mature (and terribly good looking:) families find good spouses for them so they can marry young, raise large and faithful Catholic families? This is particularly a problem for those of us living in areas where the parishes lack certain “Catholic” qualities and our towns have none.
Do we need to set up an online “courting service”?

+1

I agree with Pat, marrying young is better for the soul.  I have fuller comments here:  http://rantingcatholicmom.blogspot.com/2011/06/consumer-dating-should-catholics-marry.html

Benedict XVI’s parents were married late in life (particularly for those times). From what I remember, his mother was 36 and his dad was 41 when they got married. I guess they didn’t get the memo that they had to marry young if they wanted to be holier!

I think we have to keep in mind what today’s life expectancy is, as well.  Yes, people began family life much earlier in the past, but they also had much shorter lives.

Two things strike me, but first some background. I was married young (almost 19 and my husband was almost 22.) We’ve been married 30+ years, and have 11 children. I’ve tried to prepare my children for early vocations, should they come.
My oldest son married at 22 (his wife was the same age). They are both the oldest of large families and actually gained 3 siblings after their marriage (of 5 years,so far).
My 1st point: My daughters are just as mature, if not more-so, than my son was at the time of his marriage vows. However, as my daughters have pointed out, ‘it is the man who does the asking’. Our society has completely and utterly encouraged men to WAIT as long as possible to even CONSIDER marriage. College life and all that can accompany it, strengthen men’s resolves to ‘wait’ even longer. What is a good Catholic girl to do? 
And my 2nd point: Most young Catholic men do realize that there is real sacrifice, dying to oneself, in the vocational call to the priesthood or religious life. They DO NOT, however seem to realize this is also true of the vocation to Marriage. There is not the same critical evaluation taking place..Am I ready to give myself entirely to this Marriage…Am I committed to sacrifice and dying to myself for the good of this marriage…Am I willing to give up everything (my things…sports, ipod, t.v., video games etc.)and be generous with myself, in order to serve this marriage well, for the good of my family if need be? Most seem to see Marriage as the “I get” vocation. (This is not to say that there are not plenty of women with this view also.)
I think we do our children a disservice by making our children value the world’s ideals. Making them all into ‘princes/ses’, self-centered,and greedy by giving them everything but ourselves and, if possible, siblings. Getting married young often cements the relationship by growing together. Also, having children young, can help everyone grow in virtue. So, encourage vocations in the young, and prepare them for them too.

Yes, Catholics should marry while they are young. That will shrink the supply for child molesters among priests and other preachers.

how do you think that it will stop the molesters. that wont stop that. i was molested when i was 15.i’m 59 yrs old now married for 34yeas now july1,1977 have 10 grand kids an one great grand kid.lot of this came in with the goverment law.where they couldnt look at wommen .thats why they have this molster i’m not for them they shouold be shot. for what they did.

I completely disagree with this article. Finding yourself through marriage can only happen with a solid foundation of self-confidence, faith in yourself and in God, and the ability to enjoy what a marriage can do to enhance your life not create your life. If you find the person you believe you are meant to marry when you are young, fabulous. They will STILL be that person in 5 years after you have learned how to be independent and responsible for your own actions. For many extremely religious Catholics who marry young, they are looking for a way to discover their sexuality in a religiously acceptable way.

@Dennis: I guess sarcasm does not come across on this line. I was only suggesting that inexperienced people need more time to become independent before choosing to marry. “Love” is a delusional state, especially when you’re young and getting your first dose of sex hormones. How old was your molester? If 15 was the age of consent, then your molester could claim that you wanted it, like most molesters believe about their victims.
I’m sorry your first sexual experience was with a monster.

“We all know that from the dawn of civilization up until 50 years ago or so, people routinely married young.”

Life expectancy was also shorter and menarch and menopause didn’t always happen at the same stage as they tend to now. Also, that statement isn’t true of every culture at every time. For instance, in Catholic Ireland in the 19th and 20th centuries it was very common for people to remain unmarried until their late 20s and into their 30s, mainly for financial reasons. It would have been seen as irresponsible to marry and start to have large families that were the norm at that point without the means to support them. High paying jobs were rare (heck, stable jobs were rare), you needed to build up savings. In fact, that period of working and saving in your 20s was valued as character-building and a chance to develop good habits and discernment for the eventual marriage.

Oops, just realised @MarylandBill made the same point about Ireland earlier. Sorry!
I do think as a general rule, it’s not staying single in your 20s that breeds selfishness, it’s the choices you make when you are single.
Also, being happy in yourself, without “needing” (as opposed to “hoping for”) a romantic relationship, is generally a great foundation for a happy marriage. It’s too easy to look to a spouse to ‘complete’ you and fill any voids in your life or yourself. That can place ridiculous pressure on another fallen human being and a strain on the relationship. If you can be content with the single state you are in, then you’re probably well placed to have a good marriage if the right person comes along. For some people (myself included) getting to the point of being content with being single takes time, effort and prayer.

Claire H, if God didn’t want us to have children after thirty he would have took away our ability.  God decides when you have children not you.

JB, I totally agree with everything you said.  God should lead our path not society.  Life is about choices.  Very well said! 

If I had met the right man earlier I would have married earlier.  Your post and a lot of the comments just seem to be a bunch of people justifying their lifestyle (ie holier than thou) with no real substance.  God will lead you to marriage, not someone stating that “it’s better to be married at 16, so that you can have double digit kids by 30”.  It could be at 18 or 52, it’s all in God’s plan.

Perhaps the author needs to take a look at the comparative divorce rates of those who marry “young” vs. those who spend some time “selfishly” figuring out who they are, and studies that show which category makes for better parents.

After I left the Church at 18, I got married and had my first baby at 24.  I remember thinking even at that age I already was set in my ways. I have a hunch that early marriage and early mothering might be better for women’s psychological health and make it easier for them to bond with their husbands and their babies.  One reason is the one I mentioned, the habits of having your time to yourself aren’t as deeply embedded.  Girls intuitively love babies and love to play with them.  Another reason is that girls are not protected in the home any more and are allowed (almost forced) to spend lots of unchaperoned time with members of the opposite sex, which can be full of stimulation and fraught with temptation. Girls also start falling in love early with boys. Disappointment at attempted seductions with no prospect of marriage has a daunting effect on a girl’s sense of worthiness.  I believe that the dating scene forces a woman to develop a habit of guarding herself and saying no to her natural impulses if she wants to remain chaste. This habit of self-protection can cause difficulties later when she should be able to be open to her husband and to her children. One comment pointed out that the desire for intimacy was one of the main motivators back when premarital relations weren’t the norm.  The goal of the preservation of chastity in the young would seem to suggest that marriage should not be delayed.  Just some thoughts. I hope no one jumps all over me because I stepped on one of their pet theories. :-) These are thoughts from a woman who remembers when you were considered at risk of never marrying if you graduated from high school without being engaged. If you didn’t meet a husband in college, you were probably doomed to spinsterhood.  Marriage meant children, and there were lots of married student housing on campuses. Only nonconformists fornicated. Girls took a big risk of not being considered marriage material if they strayed, and there was a definite double standard that was unfair to women.  Men wanted to marry “nice” i.e. chaste girls, and girls wanted to be married. The norm was early marriage. My how things have changed.

“Problem is, by the time you do all these things to find out who YOU are, the one things you can count is who you are is ‘not married.’”

Because obviously marriage is the only defining factor in life.

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Ah, but you also shouldn’t marry young for the sake of marrying young! We shouldn’t encourage young people to marry young, but to marry when they have discerned with someone that they should enter into marriage. I agree they should not to just put it off in order to follow a career or something like that, but marrying when you aren’t ready is a bad idea. I am glad there isn’t a stigma about being single past 24 like there used to be. I think it’s important that the timing is different for different couples, and some are ready to marry at 22 and others not until 28.  If I am correct, Blessed Zelie (st. Therese’s mother) didn’t marry Blessed Louis until she was 27. Perhaps God made her wait that long so that she would be even holier by the time St. Therese was born!

I second what Amy said. I understand the point of this article- that society doesn’t give marriage the respect and dignity it deserves. But I think you really have to be careful in pushing people to get married early. What might be a good age for one person isn’t for another.

And while I understand that you are speaking from experience and you didn’t get married till your thirties, I find your generalization about single people to be very hurtful. “This is why people now do not get married until they are in their late twenties, if at all. By then, society has messed them up so much by a decade of self-centeredness that they will probably make lousy spouses.” As a young, single Catholic woman who would LOVE to be married, I would hate if someone said this to me. I would hate it if that was the general Catholic attitude towards people who want to do the Lord’s will, but know that now is not the time. I am not going to rush into getting married just because that is the traditionalist view or because that is what many of my friends are doing. I have seen too many of them, Catholic or not, get married young without thinking it through and winding up hurt. I value the sacrament of marriage so much that I am waiting until God’s perfect time, with the right man.

You talk of older unmarried people being messed up by society. Perhaps we also need to look at how society can mess us up at a younger age as well. Maybe that’s why not all young marriages last. And maybe that’s why some people, myself included, might be waiting. Maybe we need this “lost decade” to heal from some of the hurts of the past and the ideas that society has programmed into our heads. One of those ideas is that you need a man’s love in order to have any value or self worth. While this is not what you are saying, it could very easily be confused with it. I hope by the time I get married, not only will there be something “worth finding,” but that I will be more able to be a wonderful wife and mother.

I know this is a late response to an old article but I just had to deal with this in my own family and this article was brought to my attention.  Marriage is a tough vocation and preparation for it is wise.  I believe that two people staying together for life isn’t the definition of a successful marriage.  I know some very bitter married couples. I believe we are all put into this world to become Christ and attain perfect love regardless of the vocation we choose.  Whether or not we become Christ and have allowed him to perfect our love is the definition of success in any vocation.  Marriage is simply one of the ways to attain that goal.  The Church cautions about teen marriage –talk to your local Cannon Law Lawyer.  If an individual these days wants to get married before they are 20 yrs old the Church requires parental consent and a physiological review before its approved.  The very fact that the Church has this in place speaks for itself and should cause all to research why this is and heed Her wisdom.  It is sad that you wasted those years.  Finding “oneself,” according to the world can be fruitless.  However finding “oneself in Christ,” is very beneficial.  This is how I was raised.  Marriage was not encouraged until we were at least 21 yrs of age.  College was encouraged even if it was just a two-year course to learn a trade.  However on-going education in our faith was strongly encouraged whether it was for college credit or not.  The years between 18 and marriage or whatever vocation are very important years that provide an opportunity to form ones character by attaining an intimate relationship with Christ in a more focused way than can be achieved within a vocation simply because we have more freedom to choose our distractions.  I say this from my own experience and many others I’ve witnessed.  I didn’t get married until I was 29 yrs. old but not one of those years was wasted.  I only attended a 2 yr college and then worked at a Newman Center for 10 yrs.  We helped young adults “find themselves in Christ.”  Helping them to become more complete individuals so they would be better spouses, priests, nuns or single and help set the world ablaze for the love of Christ.  For me and for many of the students I worked with we were able to live a very intense spiritual life of daily mass, bible studies, ministries in the Church, missionary work, community volunteering, retreats, philosophy and theology classes etc. giving 100 percent in a way I just can’t now as a mother and wife.  At that time it was just Christ and me. He is my best friend.  He helps me in a very personal way to give my 100 percent to my vocation as a wife and mother now.  I have never regretted those years I gave it my all and would encourage anyone to do the same.  I love being a wife and mom but I had so many wonderful experiences during those years also and that I look forward to encouraging my children to take the same opportunity and at least 3 or 4 yrs away from home to have a similar experience.  To “find themselves in Christ,” and create a solid spiritual relationship with the person of Jesus Christ so they can better live out their vocation.  It’s a spiritual maturity that many miss out on and many may never experience.  None of us will make it but for the grace of God but I think there are more prudent ways then others provided we embrace it and not waste it.

One minor correction…it is “with the Bishops permission,” not parental consent.