The comment box in the blogosphere, or combox, is the wild wild west of the internet. In the combox you can and will meet all kinds of strange and wondrous characters.
The combox in the Catholic interwebs has its own cast of characters. I suspect that your average Catholic blog reader probably has never, or very rarely, left a comment on a post. They read what you have to say and if you are really, really lucky, they might think about it for a moment. Those are the readers. Commenters are a different ball of wax. Commenters, and you know who you are, have opinions and they…well they have opinions.
Having been around the Catholic blogging game for a few years now, certain easily identifiable personality types emerge in the combox. I hear tale that there are those who have actually read your entire post and write to make a cogent and civil point to add to the discussion. I hear tales of these commenters—and unicorns. Unicorns mostly. Although I am quite sure that this description will apply to everyone who comments on this post. Quite sure. ;-)
Beyond the mythical commenter mentioned above, I think we have all become familiar with the rest of the characters. So let’s meet them.
Encyclical Man. Encyclical Man has a quote from a papal document for every occasion. Doesn’t matter if you are talking social justice or the Latin mass, Encyclical Man has a quote at the ready that will clearly establish that anyone who does not share his opinion on the matter is a heretic. Even if you were just writing about what you watched on television last night, Encyclical Man has a quote, usually from the Council of Trent. Ah, television. This brings me to the next cast member.
Throw Out Your Television Man!! Any mention whatsoever of television, even if tangential or passing, will have “Throw Out Your Television Man!!” excoriating you as a bad, bad Catholic. You see, “Throw Out Your Television Man!!” has not watched television since the Father Dowling Mysteries went off the air in 1988. “Throw Out Your Television Man!!” will tell you in no uncertain terms that the Devil invented television to swallow up the souls of the unsuspecting. Encyclical Man will sometimes respond to “Throw Out Your Television Man!!” by quoting papal documents citing the positive aspects of media, but to no avail. The thing I don’t get about “Throw Out Your Television Man!!” is that he lives on the Internet. The Internet has the potential to be ten times worse than TV, but let’s not confuse things with logic.
Devout Catholic. One of my faves. Devout Catholic almost always starts off his comment by saying “I am a devout Catholic, but…” and then Devout Catholic will proceed to say why we need to ordain women and allow gays to marry. (See also Pelosi Syndrome.) What Devout Catholic fails to recognize is that actual devout Catholics typically don’t describe themselves that way. There are also variants of Devout Catholic to look out for. They begin comments by saying things like “I was an altar boy, but…” or “I studied Latin in school, but….” Don’t be fooled, they are just like Devout Catholic, only with fewer IQ points.
Spaghetti Monster Man. Ah, a staple of the Catholic combox, A condescending atheist (is there any other kind?), Spaghetti Monster Man read a Richard Dawkins book once while sitting at Barnes and Noble sipping on a Frappacino. By virtue of reading this book, Spaghetti Monster Man has decided that he is now smarter than everyone else, especially believers, and frequently congratulates himself on this unprovable fact. Spaghetti Monster Man, while buzzing on two glasses on white Zinfandel, loves to pop into Catholic comboxes and liken God to a Flying Spaghetti Monster, amusingly convinced of his own originality. Once engaged by believers in the combox Spaghetti Monster Man will drop a few f-bombs, put the remaining bottle of white Zin back in the fridge, and then pass out on his Mom’s couch.
The Modesty Mob. The modesty mob loves to chastise Catholic bloggers for what they deem grossly immodest behavior. The Modesty Mob comes in gender-based variants. For male bloggers, the accusations usually center on pictures posted of scantily clad women. By scantily clad, of course, they mean any picture of a woman in which the neck line or knees are visible. The other, and I dare say more frightening kind, is the Modesty Mob attacks on Mommy bloggers who post pictures of themselves playing with their children in the heat of August while wearing shorts. Shorts!! Have they no shame?!? Hussies deserve what they get, I say.
And of course, the most pathetic of the bunch is the Catholic blogger himself who, completely bereft of suitable Catholic topics to write about, decides to poke fun at his commenters. Boy, I can’t stand those guys.
Who did I miss?
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Credit goes to my dh for this one:
There’s some sort of online personality that perpetuates a type of “Catholic Godwin’s Law” (As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin’s_law)
The Catholic version is that as any Catholic discussion grows longer, a mention of “pedophile priests” approaches 1. Look through any of the lengthier comboxes here at NCR & see if he’s right!
Don’t forget “Former Catholic” or “Recovering Catholic”—those who have left the faith but still troll around Catholic websites for the sheer purpose of spouting anti-Catholic rhetoric in effort to stir the pot (I mean, “evangelize”). They usually strike a nerve with “Encyclical Man,” “Spaghetti Monster Man,” and the *occasional* unicorn.
To StephC above: your DH absolutely nailed it! ;-)
First, since you mentioned television, I want to say that we threw our television out years ago. You should do the same, because the major television networks have been taken over by flying spaghetti monster worshippers.
Also, since you mentioned modesty, please don’t forget what Pope Benedict XV wrote about modesty in his encyclical “Sacra Propediem”:
“From this point of view one cannot sufficiently deplore the blindness of so many women of every age and condition; made foolish by desire to please, they do not see to what a degree the in decency of their clothing shocks every honest man, and offends God.”
Of course I am able to quote encyclicals like this because I am such a devout Catholic.
One final point: My least favorite kind of commenter is the one who tries to be funny, but fails miserably. I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether I fall into that category!
;-)
On a more serious note, I would add one more category: the “hobby horse” commenter, or “talking points” commenter. This is the commenter who pushes the same agenda in almost every comment he makes, on multiple blog posts, even when his agenda barely relates to the subject of the post. And no matter what evidence or argument is thrown at him, he simply responds with his pre-determined talking points, as if by simply saying the same thing enough times, he can eventually convince people to agree with him.
“The Choir” - we are ‘the preaching to the choir’ crowd who actually do really like what you (and many other Catholic bloggers) write and send out small bits and pieces of praise hoping it is music to your ears. Many of us might not take time to write but we are out there!
I write a blog and I always get the ones who hate Catholics or tell me to look in a mirror so I can see the very hate-filled people that I’m writing about. Your article was a breath of fresh air! Well done!
Steph C:
The phenomenon you refer to is called Jay’s law, popularized by Jay Anderson. http://proecclesia.blogspot.com/2007/03/version-of-godwins-law-for-sex-scandals.html
Pregnant mommy commenter: direct, often passionate about what she’s commenting on, especially if it involves babies. However, often slightly incoherent due to sleep deprivation or slightly hysterical due to hormones and children fighting in the background. No this is not offensive. Yes, I am pregnant. ;-)
Also, Rachel, “The choir” is spot-on.
I am a devout Catholic…..and I loved your article! Very true and funny!
That was a great, funny and right-on-the-money piece! I have to admit that “Throw Out Your Television Man” tends to annoy me. While there’s plenty of trash, there are good things out there also. And if you’re looking for an atheist who isn’t condescending and is actually a supporter of Christianity, check out S.E. Cupp.
Great article. And to Paul H. You’re spot on!
Paul H.
Well done. Add to this list the commenter who brings the funny.
What about the self promotion guy? I am commenting here but just go and check out my blog here!!
How about the “Grammatically Pedantic”. Wow, those guys are annoying?
It’s “*whom* did I miss”, by the way… ;)
Let’s not forget Creative Spelling and Grammar Man and his nemesis, The Correct Spelling Grammar Jihadist Nazi Brown Shirt Man. Your gonna half to correc there comments, you no, cause its the write thing to due.
Like two ships in the night… or is it Too chips in the knight?
OK, I am what you describe as a reader, seldom post, but often share or retweet articles I really find worthy-like this one. I also think I fit into the choir Rachel M suggests as a category. Someone please help my ignorance here of blogosphere etiquette….what’s a unicorn?
Thanks again for the chance to post thoughts. You are my extended family
To steal StephC’s idea-
what was that game about Kevin Bacon? I think it was “six steps to Kevin Bacon?”
So “six steps to pedophilia”—EVERYTHING comes back to that.
The Terminator-
the commenter who Will. Not. Quit. when someone is wrong; their battle cry may be “THIS WILL NOT STAND!”
When you find your inbox suddenly has 30 new posts, half of which are variations on “you’re changing the subject; X is true, as shown here. How can you claim Y?” and the other half are either troll or ideologically blinded.
Very common in posts on life where someone insists that a fetus is either not human or not alive.
(word verification: job39. Yay, funny. ^.^)
Nothing in comboxes can ever be taken seriously (except this post of mine here). They are strictly for entertainment. No one’s mind is ever changed, ice-cold hearts are never melted, idiots remain idiots, zealots remain zealots, and progressives will forever be howling into the wind. Don’t comment if you actually want to be taken seriously.
Great post! There’s also a variant of Spaghetti Monster Man I call the Drive-By Commentor. Drive-By Commentor isn’t necessarily an atheist, but he does hate organized religion ... he’s become “spiritual”, which means either “vaguely deist” or “interested in the occult”. The other difference is that he doesn’t hang around to trade comments; he just lobs a hand grenade into the discussion and drives off into the night.
Seminary Dropout Man
Often a Baby Boomer, Seminary Dropout Man will patiently explain to you (although he knows that you are incapable of understanding) that the only thing the Catholic Church is after is money.
“By scantily clad, of course, they mean any picture of a woman in which the neck line or knees are visible.”
Right.. cause I remember opening the CMR page to see massive cleavage on more than one occasion. Maybe you don’t see the immodesty though, since you’re probably desensitized by your television and reading dailymail.co.uk.
Don’t forget Inclusive Person: who would like to see all descriptions become “Spaghetti Monster Person”, “Throw out your Televisions Person” and “Encyclical Person” etc.
Though, curiously, such inclusiveness always stops short of Satan: for while God can be a S/He, the hoofed one is always deffo a male.
“I am a Devout Catholic” is not truly devout unless followed by “bad Catholic”.[v. GKC on the topic].
Don’t forget this essential calling card of the “Devout Catholic”:
“I went to Catholic school for _ years,” delivered in a tone intended to make you wonder why the speaker isn’t on the short list for a red hat.
Let’s not forget “Shrieking Violet,” who finds any expression of disagreement, variety of opinion, or anything else other than a string of comments congratulating the original poster/blogger on being just *super* to be seriously, painfully uncharitable.
“Uncharitable,” in Shrieking Violet’s world, means the same thing as “conversation.”
Then there’s Violet’s friend, “How-dare-you Helen.” H. Helen thinks that all Catholic bloggers are her close personal friends, and sees in your mild comment that begins, “Though I always respect you I’m not completely sure that I agree with you on this particular matter…” a declaration of war against the nice, kind, sweet, loving person you are so viciously attacking. H. Helen will then descend into the combox, throw down the gauntlet, and email a dozen of her IRL friends to come and help her “defend” the popular Catholic blogger you are cruelly shredding by your negative, uncharitable comments…
Didn’t Matt Warner just do this a few months ago?
Cut’n'Paste Fundamentalist:
Often an ex-Catholic who’s now “just a Christian,” C’n'PF cribs his/her repertoire from marginally more literate websites, heaving the literary equivalent of a flash-bang grenade into some tangentially-related topic. At least 1000 words long, the post contains almost as many factual and logical errors, breathlessly demonstrating such unlikelihoods as Mohammed inventing the Eucharist at the Council of Eville in 828, how the book of Philemon refutes the idolatry of confirmation and suchlike. All delivered with love for both Catholics and The Truth, of course.
I think the the title of Devout Catholic should be reserved for those who truly are devout Catholics. A more appropriate name for those described as ‘devout Catholics’ in the article would be “Catholic Buts”. Pun intended.
Can’t forget the cage-fighters… they get within the cage of the commbox and fight all the other commentors instead of focusing directly on the post itself.
How about the “Homeschooling Hen” who proceeds to tell every person under the sun that they are shirking their parental obligations according to the Catechism by not homeschooling their brood. Besides, we all know, Mary homeschooled Jesus.
How fun to simply complain about others. Let’s all just be JPII-we-love-you types and sit back while the Mass, sacraments and entire Church falls apart! Banal novus ordo? But it’s the Holy Spirit, man.
The Defining Self in Perpetual Opposition to Whatever is Posted commenter
Don’t ignore Paula J… what’s a Unicorn, guys?
A unicorn is a legendary and beautiful creature that is spotted slightly more frequently than the mythical reasonable commenter.
Don’t forget the Nitpicker - the person who will take the entire thread down a rabbit hole nitpicking some tangential point that was, at most, a throw-away line.
The Nitpicker is most active in this regard when he is otherwise losing on the overall argument that is the actual subject of the thread.
Yes, but you have to admit that “Throw Our Your Television Man” is the one that is really getting to you. You would have given him him first billing ‘cause he’s the one most on your mind, but didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
He’s the one that’s got you rocked. Otherwise why would you have deleted his excellent post the other day showing that televised sports are probably the only thing in the way of Catholic fathers throwing out their TVs?
BTW, he threw out his television before Fr. Dowling was even a twinkle in Ralph McInerny’s eye.
Admit it, Marie Winn’s “The Plug-in Drug” is on your night stand and you read a few pages every night before nodding off to Jay Leno. When you do, you dream of Pius XII quoting Juvenal’s “Nothing Impure in the Home!”
Ultimately there is only one solution to this problem, the final solution, as you know, but in the meantime you might consider putting it in the attic for Lent :) Think of what a great column that would make!
There is also that person who requires that every assertion, no matter how banal or uncontroversial, be supported by a link to some reliable source document. “The sun shines.” “LINK PLEASE!”
When I read commentators that attack others and attempt to dehumanize them because they don’t agree with the author or other commentators I am saddened. I need to live in a blog-o-sphere where the best of human intelligence is invested in enhancing the common good.
Charity’s cousin, Make The World Better.
All humor, teasing, hint of complaint or even vague criticism is evidence that you are a bad person and should be out Making The World Better.
Apparently, they Make The World Better by complaining about the behavior of those who…um… complain about someone’s behavior.
I don’t think I’ve left a comment here before… But I was listening to a Catholic radio show while driving my truck route…. Some young sounding guy made off with encyclical man and television man… he didn’t mention the other one, and that’s when the host cut in saying, “If you donate now. You can get my entire CD of Papal writings free!” Then the lady co-host chuckled. Sort of odd.
Don’t forget “The Novelist” who leaves a comment 20 paragraphs long, complete with footnotes.
Well, thanks hyacinthclare and Pat for setting me straight. I will always aspire to being a unicorn then….I think. Is there some kind of special designation that is posted next to your name? Paula J (unicorn)
I tend to troll and rarely post, but what about the “How can you call yourself Catholic?” commenter…. You know, the one who attacks a person’s faith because they do not have the same brand of Catholicism? (I am talking on points that are NOT specific catechetical issues…) People who get up in arms by those bloggers and/or commenters who do the work of mercy by admonishing the sinner…...
Catholic -Lite—they go to church on Sunday (usually) and read blogs. But are perfectly willing to explain at length what’s wrong with the Church’s teaching on [name your issue]—these sometimes overlap with the “Catholic BUT liberal voters” (a cousin to the Pelosi line)
There is a whole range of special types (for good and not-so-good) that frequent Catholic mom blogs.
The Activist Mom—whether it’s food/nutrition, diapers, potty training, germs, sleep practices, etc.—She is ready to correct the blogger and other commenters about why and how they are wrong to: allow their children to eat birthday cake, play on the floor, wear a disposable diaper, potty train (to young or too old)—and can miss the whole point of a post or that other mothers can want the best for their children and can disagree!
Same Boaters—those commenters who may not comment much but will come out to thank a blogger for sharing something real about her day (child tantrums, laundry piles, pregnancy hormones, dinner dilemmas) or wonderful insights—the relief in knowing that others have real-life problems too.
Not-so-near Neighbors—these are the women you wish lived next door. They can commiserate and offer advice as needed. If a blogger or commenter posts a question or needs advice, these helpful ladies swoop in with truly appropriate suggestions or links to ideas.
Very interesting…..I wonder where I fit in. ;o)
Good blog topic and very funny. I am guilty as “man encyclical. ” I came to one of your subjects after participating in a lengthy discussion about your blog on a list of clergy and religious email. These lists, where we both priests Protestant pastors or in vows, but not ordained, religious can be really hot and long term ...
Sometimes we go there on blog because someone is in the moon.
Excuse the mistakes, I’m on Google translate to read your website in French and to translate my comments in English.
Tony Rossi. You write: “I have to admit that “Throw Out Your Television Man” tends to annoy me. While there’s plenty of trash, there are good things out there also.”
I agree completely! But should we sons of God be picking through the trash? For this we were baptized?
Not like it’s below us; what, are we too proud to do the work of filtering out what’s unfit to find the gems?
This blog and the comments to here are worth a series of belly laughs (ROFL in blog-speak) Thank you for the humor. Either the trolls are on vacation, or they didn’t stumble across your blog.
Again, thanks.
TeaPot562
Tangent Man - The person who sees the beginnings of an argument and carries it further despite it being only tangentially related to the original post.
“Unbiased” Man - Will defend the ability to do something that he will not or does not himself do, and state clearly that he will not or does not do it, either to give a false sense of unbiasedness or to avoid ant blame that might be associated with whatever it is he doesn’t do. IE “Public schools are perfectly acceptable and often great centers of learning, and I say this even though I home school/send my kids to Catholic School.”
Oh, and @Lee Gilbert: the only way to avoid picking through the trash is to be a cloistered monk/nun, and then only maybe. Let each decided how much picking he wants to do for himself; the key thing is that we are, in fact, picking. (By the way, I don’t have a television.)
Seems like there should be more categories.
Too fun:-). Thanks to all, especially to Patrick for getting the party started:-).
Lee - I don’t think we need to actually pick through the trash to see the trash. I can see the Hefty bag from my front door. For instance, based on what I’ve read about the show, I would say that “Jersey Shore” probably qualifies as trash both artistically and in moral content. But other shows like “The Office” or “V” would not be trash because they have some redeeming qualities and are entertaining.
Victor, yes Matt posted on this - but he seems to have an appreciation for his commenters ;-)
Don’t forget Delphic Utterance Man.
‘Nuff said.
Conspiracy Man
Black Smoke Man
Low Blood Sugar Man
Drunk Man
Peace Out Man
Kill Them All Man
I Remember When Man
Aristotle’s Rhetoric Man
Poet Wannabe Man
Google Images Man
Quick Trigger Man
I’m Praying For You Man
I Love You Man
They definitely need to read this at Catholic Answers Forums…where, I might add I am never referred to as a Unicorn. I agree with another poster that it’s surprising more trolls haven’t chimed in.
I have to say that every since I started using facebook and posting these kind of articles, my “friends” have been dropping like flies! What to you call the Catholics who don’t even want to read anything official…like the catechism and sit around with fingers in ears going “lalalala…can’t hear you…”
hahaha…this article is awesome, but I might want to add a few more:
Interpretors - while checking to see what movies are acceptable according to the USCCB, a group of friends who are extremely devoted to authority in the Church find that all the movies they want to watch are rated “O” (morally offensive). Thus, they look for movies that have yet to be evaluated. Finding that the USCCB has not yet judged the movie “Saw 3” they declare, “it must be okay, its technically not wrong by the Church’s standards…yet.” Such is the manner they argue on other doctrinal issues in their blogs.
The Balanced Catholic - The balanced Catholic who thinks because he sits on the fence of ambiguity claims that he is moderate because he is yelled at by both those who are hot and those who are cold. Little does he realize his thomistic “golden-mean” is really luke-warmness that takes up indifference rather than Church Teaching.
The Fluffer - Everything is good, and there are no problems in the Church, at least it it is distasteful to talk about them, because clearly if they were true there would be no hope.
The Cynic - Everying is going to hell in a handbasket. Vatican II was clearly a break with Tradition and certainly not an infallible council that can be disregarded because look at the Church today!!
The Raging True Catholic - Like the cynic, everything is wrong in the Church (or at least all that is worth discussing). His anger only solidifies the anger of others and continues to alienate those who have been given poor catechesis, giving a bad name for the presentation of the truth.
Gee, do I see myself in the lists! *blush*
I am “nitpicker” I can’t stand to see a spelling mistake. I blame my inner English teacher. Read “Eat Shoots and Leaves” by Lynne Truss to understand people like me.
I am “sources please” also. When someone makes a statement like “in the Middle Ages nuns said the Mass” I will jump in a ask for sources which really upsets the poster for some reason.
Sometimes I am “tangents man” when I will fasten on some small point which doesn’t seem small to me.
Sometimes I am “sunbeam” and “helpful” when I praise and offer constructive help. I think I should do more of this.
Great article, thank you.
I think you mean “Eats, shoots and leaves.” (I only remember because of the adorable artwork on the cover—armed bears, indeed. ;^p)
1. Unicorns don’t exist, but serious readers/polite commentors do.
2. One person I personally know, me, has learned a lot from reading comments, some of the info being factual, some being a lesson in deciphering, some being an honest look at my own biases/misinformation/rushes to judgement.
3. Many combox discussions degenerate into rudeness and pride, a testament against the faith. But kindness and wisdom most often appear nevertheles.
4. I have discovered that a little combox reading can be worthwhile; a lot of Scripture and Catechism reading is exponentially better.
You inspired me to blog on the subject myself. I identify ten distinct types, and allude to two others:
http://open.salon.com/blog/max_lindenman/2011/02/06/ten_types_of_posters_on_catholic_message_boards
Amen, IHMO! If you have a blog, you appreciate the people who read it and give you feedback :-)
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