I love this meme of pictures going around lately. They're funny because they're so true, of course.
How many times do we see parents complain about how hard-to-handle their kids are, all while being too self-absorbed in their own world to realize that they are the problem. Whether it's being too focused on your smartphone during family time, or it's being too focused on your ______ (fill in the blank with work/self/hobby/etc) during your family's life, there are *usually* (not always) really controllable reasons why your kids are acting up or having problems in life. At least, that's been my experience.
It's just all too common and easy these days to blame other things. We've come up with endless excuses to avoid taking responsibility ourselves. We blame the schools, Hollywood, rap music, TV shows, their peers...and when we run out of those, we chalk it up to kids being kids.
And it's not to say those aren't all real problems or influences — some of them very serious ones. But when we allow those things to excuse our own negligent parenting, they become harmful distractions.
What I know is this: Every time my kid is misbehaving, the surest remedy has almost every time been an immediate entering into his world with a singular focus and attention. That - or club crackers. One of the two works every time.
Update: P.S. This post is supposed to inspire *personal* reflection (particularly if you have kids). it was not supposed to encourage unfair judgment of other people's kids of which you could not possibly know their full circumstances and personal battles.
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Thanks, that is good advice. Just what I needed to read/see/hear.
This is so true. I’ve been nannying for years with various families and the parents not knowing how to parent is *always* the reason why the children misbehave. My last family spoiled their 2 children because they felt guilty about working so much, and never never never punished them. As a result, I (knowing how to handle kids) whipped them into shape and gave them structure, and they were happy, well-behaved children. But the second one of the parents came through the door they were screaming and violent messes. And the parents rewarded them with candy or toys (in an effort to get them to behave)! The parents were so out of touch that they began neglecting their younger child (20 months old) for their older one (4 years old) because they had taught the 4 year old to be a liar for attention. Because the younger one had to compete with her sister for any attention, all she did was scream. As a result, her mother never spoke to her. She had no idea her own daughter was speaking full sentences until she overheard she and I having a conversation! When her daughter would try to talk to her, she never understood her! I understood her perfectly! It was so sad. It got to the point where the parents were coming home *hours* later than we originally agreed the hours would be, simply because they didn’t want to be around their own children! Their children were too draining for them! I ended up getting fired abruptly and with no reason. I figured she probably had a nanny-cam and sat down one day and watched how much the girls loved me and how well behaved they were with me and it drove her insane.
I’m not really disagreeing with you. Parents who don’t listen to their children get children who won’t listen to them. But, I want to ask people not to jump to conclusions when they see a misbehaving child in public. Lots of times, the child has some level of autism, often undiagnosed.
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I know you were careful to add “*usually* (not always)” when you said that children’s misbehavior is their parents’ fault. But I have a lot of friends with autistic kids, and they are emotionally beaten down, day after day, by strangers who assume that their child’s behavior is a result of their parenting failures. This experience is so common that I think any article about how parents’ vices cause bad behavior in their kids needs to mention it.
Abby, I agree we need to be careful because we don’t always know what’s underlying some behavior, but I find it’s usually pretty easy to distinguish based on the parent’s reaction. A parent who is firm and appears to know what they’re doing? The child is probably having a bad day or there is something like autism going on. A parent who is ignoring the child’s misbehavior, blaming it on someone else, or looks completely lost? That’s more likely the parenting problem.
Colleen,
Or maybe the adult is the child’s aunt or nanny or the mother of his friend. Or she could be depressed or psychotic, or maybe she’s pregnant and thinking about not throwing up, or maybe she’s the abused wife of an alcoholic or a recently widowed mother. Maybe she just wrested custody of the children back from the man who betrayed and left her. Or maybe she’s a terrible sinner, and God will certainly punish her in this life or the next. I guess my point is: if it’s your child who’s misbehaving, examine your own behavior (which is the author’s point). If it’s someone else’s child who’s misbehaving, why do we have to know the reason at all? Let us be merciful, and if we can’t be merciful, let us Mind Our Own Business.
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If I sound a little harsh, it’s because, like I say, I have friends who suffer deeply and chronically from the attitudes of strangers, which are expressed in many different ways. Believe me, they already feel guilty enough.
I guess I was speaking out of my experiences in helping to care for other people’s children, and watching out for signs of problems at home that should be brought to someone’s attention. I found it important to figure some of it out in order to know how to relate to the child and order my own expectations. Believe me, when I just run across a squall in the grocery store, I generally give the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s a Bad Day.
Sure, that makes sense. I guess some people do have to make these kinds of judgments, for practical reasons.
There’s misbehavior at home and misbehavior in public. With three kids (9,7,5) of course I’ve seen both though I’m pretty fortunate that misbehavior in public is fairly rare for my kids. I feel that most of the time misbehaving in public is due to failure to [a] set and manage expectations properly pay attention to child. I stress to my kids what’s expected (starting from a young age) and remove them from the situation if behavior doesn’t improve. If a line is crossed that’s it. The other night we had a great time at a July 4th party in a fairly formal setting where all the older folks gushed about how good my kids were (whew!). However, yesterday we went to a local botanical gardens and all three were squabbling, demanding brats. After a stern warning they continued and I said “Okay, we’re going home.” After I had walked well ahead of them toward the exit they got the picture that dad wasn’t joking and that was that.
I sat at a table eating on the 4th of July, before a mother with two small boys sat down at another table. She stood up and left. The older boy threw bread at his younger brother saying, “Try this.”. The younger boy threw it back saying, “No!”. This was after the boy said to the mother, inquisitively, “Are these hot mommy?”. He had a bag of chips in his hand. “Yes.” she said. “Take them back mommy! Take them back right now! I don’t like those.” he sounded like he was in a fit. She sat there for a bit. It was then she left, and the food fight followed. A young blonde Rastafarian looking adult man had a bit of a laugh as he entered the “cafeteria” area. He sat down. He watched. Then he said to the boys, “You shouldn’t be throwing your food at each other.”. They stopped for a bit. Looking at him, like: you’re not our father. I said to him, “I guess: I’m too tolerant.”. It was inappropriate behavior, but I thought it was a pretty good fight, and something they might work out themselves: the young boy stood his ground—I didn’t really like how he treated his mother, but I chalked it up to a terrible twos matter—wondered how the mother would handle it. After I finished eating: I walked by the table, saw the Root Beer spilled, the bread crumbs spread from table to floor, about two feet away from the table surrounding it. I looked at the younger, then the older, then saying on my way out the entrance: “I sure hope you boys can clean that mess up.”.
I once read in a book’s introduction (I believe it was one of Stephen Covey’s books), that a father and several of his children boarded the subway car that the author also happened to be on. The children began misbehaving while the father paid no attention to them. After a little time had passed, the author said to the father something like “Excuse me sir, do you see that your children are misbehaving?”, to which the father responded something like “I’m sorry. We’ve just come from the hospital, where my wife has just died. I guess I’m having a little difficulty dealing with this right now, and so are my children.”
In the book the author went on to give three general ways he could have handled the situation, which go something like this:
1. Berate the father for allowing his children to misbehave.
2. Handle the situation as he did.
3. Say to the father something like this:
“Is everything OK? Can I be of help?”
As you might expect, the author acknowledges that “1” would not be a very good way to handle the situation, explains that he could have handled the situation better than he did by using “3”.
As Catholics, shall we encourage others, in our articles and in our comments, to handle situations using something like “3” above?
Abby, you are so right about parents with children of autism being worn out, but I would also say, not only from their kids behavior but sometimes from the adults around them too. For years I refused to take my two daughters in public when they were small since my older daughter has autism. Eloping is a major, immediate safety issue and when I would take her out sometimes I would see her getting wound up and my efforts to calm her were related to contain a situation that I feared could easily get out of control. The last straw for me was when she ran away from me at a mall and almost ran into an open elevator. I had a baby in a stroller and couldn’t catch her – thank God a man near the elevator stopped her. It was two years before I would take them out again. In between I worked with behaviorists and specialists to develop tools I could use in public to work with her to avoid problems. Planning was key and eventually she got better – she doesn’t run away anymore. But I can’t tell you how many comments, the rolling of the eyes, the shaking of the heads I got during the teaching period when I would finally, with all my tools and planning, take her out.
Andrew - Something as simple as explaining to a child about what is expected is really hard when you have a child that doesn’t communicate well. I still marvel at how easily my younger daughter just does things that I spent months teaching the other. It’s so much work but it’s so rewarding when you see it all start to pay off.
Maria, forgive me, but you sound like a person who is not a parent. And perhaps you are single too, I don’t know, I could be completely wrong. I can say that it’s so easy when you are well rested, fed, showered recently to look at someone who doesn’t have those advantages and judge. Maybe this person’s situation is painful to them too but they have to do it for financial reasons. You don’t know what is going on in that family or marriage so before you sell yourself as this child’s hero from the neglectful parent consider there might be more to the bigger picture that you don’t know about. “Parents not knowing how to parent” (by your definition) is not *always* why children “misbahave”. Take a lesson from Colleen, it could just be a bad day.
What I don’t see in this article is any nod to the age and temperment of the misbehaving child. All the blame is placed on the parent. I know parents that never have to tell their kids twice, and parents that have to berate their children to get them to do anything. So it’s not lack of attention by parent, it’s child temperment. It may take some years before the child is able to “get it,” and has some control of their own emotions. According to this “parenting expert,” I don’t know what a parent is supposed to do when a child is in an uncontrollable fit. Any real parent knows you can’t do much but wait it out. From the description of the author’s state in life, he probably has a live-in nanny so he doesn’t do the disciplining, or he neglects his children while he CEO’s his company. Either way, not a sure source of sound parenting advice. Because how can you be a full-time CEO and Stay-at-home Dad and not let one of those slip?
Matthew, you write “We chalk it up to kids being kids.” Well, yes. I am fairly certain that children misbehaved for a variety of reasons long before there were cell phones, computers, etc. to distract their parents.
Whenever I see a child misbehaving in public, I just smile at the parent (who I assume is trying their best), and thank the good Lord that it’s not my kids - because it could be at any moment. My usually well-behaved darlings (all of whom are under the age of four) have never failed me in their sudden ability to throw tantrums, act up, hit each other, etc. at the worst possible moments :)
After reading all these comments, it really seems to me like people are just giving excuses to parents allowing their children to behave badly. I donno, I’ve nannyed for many families for a few years and an amount of those children definitely had behavioral problems that had to be smoothed out, so I smoothed it out and they were fine. In my experience, it is mostly the parents fault. Not every child has autism. I job coach a young girl with autism and she knows how to behave because her parents instilled it in her. If children are behaving badly in public, it’s because they are conditioned to (as in, the parents reward them somehow like giving them sweets or toys in order to make them stop), and are used to getting away with acting that way (not every case, obviously, just most). Parents need to learn how to communicate what they expect from their children, and actually follow through with disciplining them when they act out. Give me 3 days with any little monster and they’ll be transformed into an angel.
Maria,
While I appreciate the enthusiasm you have for kids, there is clearly a lot you need to learn. While there may not be an excuse for something, there may be a *reason*. The two are distinct. I once saw three little kids running through the library in a rambunctious manner and wondered where the mom was until I saw her waddling behind them 8 months pregnant with #4. I could tell from the look on her face (and the memory of my own brutal pregnancies) that it probably took everything she had to make it through the day. I’m not going to say she is a bad parent or one that is permissive and doesn’t believe in discipline. This is just a stage for her. And if she hasn’t slept well in weeks, her body aches and is worried about various things I’m going to cut her some slack. Being a parent is very dynamic and needs constant adjustments, for you and for them, as you go through and navigate the various stages with your kids. As soon as you think you have it down, it changes!
I will be the first to admit I have, at times, given my kids something to snack on or a toy so I could get some peace. I recently had a flu so bad I couldn’t sleep well since I would be up all night coughing. I’m sure if I had given you my two kids you could have kept them in line at this point. But you probably would also get to *call in sick to work* if you get sick and moms don’t, so maybe we can just call that one even.
From your tone, you seem judgmental of parents and I think it’s a luxury for you since it sounds like you’ve never been one. I could be completely wrong but it’s just what I’m inferring from what you are saying.
I have worked very hard to instill in both my children how to behave. Like all human beings, sometimes they use what I’ve taught them quite well and sometimes, well, not so much. My theory is more that adults just misbehave in different ways than children and we are just in a society that is intolerant to kids in too many ways, but that’s my own theory.
And as far as autism goes, I think it’s great that you life coach special needs kids. Once they get to that stage, it’s a different ballgame than what I was referring to before. The stage where my daughter was an eloper she had very little communication. We spent months working on ‘yes’ and ‘no’ with her. As soon as someone would say to me, ‘why don’t you just . . .’ I would know they don’t understand. But after years of therapy with her we have her at a much better place. With her, as an aside, I spend more time on her behavior because everything, and I mean everything has to be taught to her since she doesn’t learn socially. Well, not very easily anyway.
If you want to help kids, help and support their parents and don’t look down on them so much. It might even help you keep your jobs.
I’d just like to submit that every child has better and worse behavior moments. Every parent has better and worse days responding to both good and bad behavior. If this sounds familiar to you, then you might be paying some attention to your own life. You too, have better and worse days. Catholics realize this, and have appropriately divided misbehavior into venial and death-dealing, or mortal categories. Before I heap onto the heads of those who post about the gruesome public behaviors of children and their equally awful parents, might I ask you to think for a moment when you might have seen a kindness by a child? A helpful action coming from a child? If you cannot recall one, then it’s likely you are only paying attention to what annoys you, and your view is stilted. I’m a doctor for children, and it is quite amazing to understand the range of behaviors in different circumstances for any individual child. Much like adults!
</b> (trying to close the bold tag)
For about 8 months I helped care for 3 children who had been neglected and abused. By the end of that period I had learned to not be so judgemental of other parents and kids. In our case the children were not abused by us, yet their acting was directed towards the primary care provider. I watched a child who had been completely nasty all day suddenly turn calm and loving when a new person entered. Sometimes things are not so clear, and sometimes your “greatness” with kids is just them using you.
I think the point of the article is good though. When dealing with your own kids, figure out WHY they are acting out and try to help. Sometimes it isn’t easy to realize that you may be enabling the behavior and sometimes the world will tell you to do all the wrong things.
</bold> trying again with the bold…
it’s supposed to be </strong>
</strong> i guess not. :D
Being a Catholic website, I thought for sure this was going to take a different turn. I expected to read that kids misbehave, just as adults, as a result of original sin.
I love Abby’s original comment. It is so easy to fall into judging others. Having four children, I have had a range of “public” experiences with my children, the most recent was this morning at Mass my 2 year old screamed “No Mommy” at the top of her lungs during the consecration.
The best we can do is pray for grace and love, love, love. Parenting is certainly a lesson in humility.
stef, it’s interpreting the < and > as <: and > so it’s not actually coming through as tags. maybe or {/b} or hmm…I’m out of ideas.
woot - square brackets for the win!
Yow, what a simplistic article! There are countless reasons that children misbehave that are not the parent’s fault. The fundamental reason,of course, is original sin and no child will be perfect just as no parent will be perfect. There are even parents, including me and my husband, that give their kids too much attention and it leads to misbehavior. Because I only had two children I lavished them with affection and attention. I did attachment parenting, I constantly told them I loved them, I did endless activities with them, I homeschooled them. What did I get? Spoiled, dependent children. Being a devout Catholic mom I knew enough not to shower them with toys or materialistic things (they don’t watch TV or have video games and are not participants in pop culture). Yet they misbehave a lot. I finally came to realize I was too focused on them and they each thought they were the center of the universe (and when I say “I” I really mean “we” because my husband lavished them with attention also). As they enter the teen years they are behind in maturity although at least they are ahead academically due to homeschooling. They constantly bicker and argue and generally have a terrible entitled attitude. Due to this I am now planning on sending them to school so they can learn to be more independent and they won’t have me focused on them all day. When they are in school I am going to finally do something for myself like take a class. I think a little less attention will do them a world of good.
Good grief! Judge much? One of my (adopted) children is recovering from Reactive Attachment Disorder. It’s no joke and it’s a long, emotionally draining road. And I’m extremely blessed because while his behavior was at its worst, I could generally either just stay home and order things (including groceries) on the internet or have my two oldest kids stay home with him while I ran out. Most mothers don’t have that luxury after a long or draining day - and EVERY mother has those days - not just moms of kids with emotional, developmental, or physical issues. Are parents sometimes too preoccupied to notice or check their kid’s bratty behavior? Well, sure - they’ve got jobs, and bills, and illnesses, and hornets’ nests in their attics, and whatever else happens to be vexing them at the moment.
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Since you can’t know a stranger in a store’s individual circumstances, how about you show them some Christian sympathy instead of being judgmental?
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And Maria, children will often behave better for a Nanny or teacher. And it’s not always that the paid caregiver has the inside track. It’s very often that the child does not trust the caregiver to continue to love them after they’ve misbehaved. As the mother of a child with RAD, this is especially pronounced, but I suspect all children have it to some degree - I remember sitting in my desk terrified that a teacher would reprimand me. And my bio kids (all of whom are largely well behaved) all exhibit better behavior for outsiders. Even outsiders with whom they’re very familiar and I would say they love - a child’s relationship with their mother (and father) is fundamentally different.
Backing up the truck here to the original article -
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Matthew was NOT speaking to parents w/ autistic or troubled children. He was NOT writing about Moms, Dads, aunts, uncles, nannies, siblings, whomever who is having a tough day, dealing w/ death or any other tragic, unexpected or difficult situation.
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His message as I read it is this - IF you are out with your children and IF you decide that checking email one more time, reading the headlines one more time or whatever ONE MORE TIME is more important than paying attention to your children you may have some behavior problems. Paying more attention to your technology than your children is never good parenting. Those of us around you would appreciate it if you put down the plastic and paid attention to the people.
RMW, The author may have intended to say what you just said but it’s not what he said. He leveled all the blame on misbehavior on parents not paying attention to their kids. Way too simplistic. And guess what, parents are allowed to have some time for themselves also. Of course many parents don’t pay enough attention to their kids. Many parents pay too much attention to their kids with the same results. The point is, it is impossible to know exactly what the perfect balance is because people aren’t perfect. And even if the parents are striking the perfect balance, their kids still won’t be perfect. Thanks to original sin you can never wipe out misbehavior no matter what you do. I think St. Monica probably parented pretty well but the future St. Augustine misbehaved big time. Kids are going to misbehave. Telling parents they have to exclusively focus on their kids is not going to stamp out misbehavior and in fact, will be counterproductive as they will start to think of themselves as center of the universe. They need to learn other people have needs also.
The article also neglects to mention that sometimes, ignoring a behavior IS an appropriate response. Sometimes, by paying attention to it, you are inadvertently rewarding inappropriate behavior. My children are whining? I tell them to talk normally and then ignore their requests until they do. I can imagine what this looks like to strangers in public!
Posted by Mama A on Monday, Jul 9, 2012 7:52 AM (EST):The article also neglects to mention that sometimes, ignoring a behavior IS an appropriate response. Sometimes, by paying attention to it, you are inadvertently rewarding inappropriate behavior. My children are whining? I tell them to talk normally and then ignore their requests until they do. I can imagine what this looks like to strangers in public!
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Agreed, but I’d practise & perfect this in a private setting rather than punish other folk forced to listen to kids whining in church, restaurants, theatres, etc.
I’m sure that’s what you intended, too.
:)
RMW, Don’t you know that kids wait until you try to make a phone call to clown around? :o) I’m not one to talk endlessly on the phone while I’m out with my kids but if my husband calls me while I’m out, I’m going to take it. I know with him I can say, ‘I’ve got to go’ and he gets it.
But the bottom line is this: No, maybe Matthew was not talking about us parents of autistic kids, (I’m not sure who he is directing this at exactly to be honest) but I do get this attitude from complete strangers from time to time who are completely ignorant of my circumstances. They are making a rash judgment of me as a parent as I think many people do to other people.
I think we live in a society that is very intolerant of kids and it makes parenting a lot harder. I don’t take my kids to nice restaurants because I know if someone is drinking a $15 glass of wine they don’t want to listen to my kids. But then again, don’t glare at me at Red Robin when my kid cries because she bumped her head. Where am I supposed to go the few times I ever go out? How are my kids going to learn what is appropriate in public if I don’t prep them and give it a shot. Seriously. If you don’t want to listen to kids, don’t go to a family restaurant. Some places have actually banned kids under 6 from restaurants which I think it a good idea because there are some parents who take their kids to places where they are not going to have a successful outing. I don’t judge them even though I don’t understand them. I do see the need for adult only spaces, but most public spaces are not only for adults. (Mass is another place that I couldn’t take my kids to for years and I’m not even going to get into what I and many other moms I know have endured from people, including priests, in a church of all places.)
People need to accept that kids are a part of society and parents are 9 times out of 10 doing the best they can. Adults are annoying sometimes too. Kathleen, and all the other posters who have been critical of parenting decisions please understand we are not perfect, life is not perfect and no one’s kids are perfect. I’m sorry if imperfection is inconvenient to you but have you ever stopped to think that it might be a mercy that you didn’t have to tolerate yourself when you were 18 months old?
Please pray for parents raising children right now. It’s hard enough and my kids haven’t even figured out how to use the internet yet! Cartoons like this one are more of a product of our contraceptive society that says that kids are a burden and a pain than a realistic view of how parents neglect their kids.
My European mother in law said that in general Americans at any one time exhibit both extreme ends of any situation. With regards to parenting she says our society either has a totally hands-off attitude with discipline where out-of-control kids are tolerated and accepted. On the other hand, we expect 5 year olds to sit still in Mass and behave perfectly at restaurants. Where she grew up kids were expected to behave at an age-appropriate level but it was accepted that kids were kids. The onus was on the parents to manage accordingly. I take a similar approach. I would never take my kids to a nicer restaurant because it’s unfair to the other patrons. However, 40 minutes into Mass my five year old, while quiet, gets squirmy, deal with it. At any given moment my two boys will engage in a pushing-hitting contest, which if it occurs in a supermarket, is mostly entertaining to other folks but I stress to them if it happens at their uncle’s wedding there will be heck to pay, and they get it. It’s called being a parent.
Finally, as Catholics I think it’s safe to say that American society has gone so far off the deep end with all-things children that I really pay no attention to what others say or think. Thankfully my older European mother in law provides some sanity once in a while.
Carole,
Where was I critical of a parenting decision??
I think I agreed with a poster’s method of ignoring bad behavior, which is a key part of behavior modification.My thoughts are that in charity to folks in restaurants, theatres, & such,it’s better perfected at home rather than in a public setting.
The original frame in this article was funny & often true.Maybe we could just relax & appreciate the humor?
PS,
I hope that didn’t sound snippy, but I seriously think parents,myself included, could all benefit from stepping back,taking a deep breath, & regaining a sense of humor.
Kathleen,
You were critical of the parent who has made the decision to ignore a child’s behavior or whining in public. By saying, why don’t you perfect that at home before you take your kids in public and try it you are being critical of what that parent at that moment has decided to do. I’m not saying it’s a good idea, I’m saying it’s up to the parent to decide how to handle their kid and most of the time I assume they are doing the best they can at the time.
Having been on the receiving end of this attitude I can tell you it can be very painful to be judged by other adults while out with my kids. If you were not aware of this, please know that’s how it feels to the parent who is probably doing everything they can. Because my child has autism I have worked, and worked and worked on things before I take her out. Most people would be surprised at the amount of planning involved in training her how to behave in public. I’ve even hired people and did dry runs with them just with her before I would go back out with her and my other kid. Some of my friends with kids on the spectrum have decided to print out little cards that say, ‘My child has autism, thank you for being understanding.’ (I don’t do this but I’m sure some people, like you, would wonder why doesn’t she take care of that at home first . . .) But there could be a lot of things that go on that card. Like, my husband just snapped at me, or I’m sick or my mother is ill . . .thank you for being understanding. All I’m saying is if you run into a stranger and you don’t know what’s going on, try not to make a rash judgment or be petty.
And Kathleen, perfection is a completely unrealistic expectation of anyone’s behavior. Why would you expect this of children? I wish people could be more accepting of the fact that children are a part of society and someone has to raise them.
And trust me, I have a great sense of humor. I spent the bulk of my time with little people who still believe in leprechauns. A sense of humor is essential for me making through any given day. And I hope I don’t sound snippy but perhaps you could use your sense of humor the next time you are out and a little kid is whining. You could tell yourself a joke like, “well, he may not be perfect but he’ll probably be paying my social security one day!” I do stuff like this all the time.
Finally, I do want to say that I try very hard to be courteous to others around me and I don’t believe children should do what whatever they want at the expense of others around them. But I do firmly believe that there is an attitude in our society that children are a pain and a burden. I’m just surprised to find that attitude on display on a Catholic Blog of all places.
Dear Carole,
Please re-read my post.I was talking about the appropriateness of “perfecting” a behavior modification technique/parenting skill in a private setting as opposed to public, nothing about “perfection” in behavior.I might have chosen a different verb than “perfecting”.I apologize if the word choice was confusing.
I’ve raised 8 children & have had to practise that sense of humor on numerous occasions, too.
:)
Matthew, God bless you. I especially appreciate this: “Every time my kid is misbehaving, the surest remedy has almost every time been an immediate entering into his world with a singular focus and attention.” That has been true for me as well. We have seven children, 6 to 22, and it is true *even for teens and young adults*. You are a wise father. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Angela
According to the CDC, 1 in 88 children is autistic (which as an educator, I simply don’t believe. We’re sweeping way more kids into the autism pile just like we were for the ADD and ADHD pile a few years ago). So, what are the odds that most of the bad behavior you see is the result of a disorder that at “best”, only affects 1 in 88 children?
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People without the spine to discipline their children consistently are forever lowering the bar. Wherever you draw the line is where the battle is going to be. I choose “first time” listening, some choose “listen when I finally start screaming at you and tanning hides.” It’s no wonder their children know they can get away with murder, especially in public when weak parents are at their worst.
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Of course, people with autistic kids work hard and are worn out. I do have firsthand experience with that and I have nothing but sympathy and admiration for these parents’ heroic work. But let’s not disrespect those parents by pretending that every single tantrum in public must be the result of a disorder. Like someone said, tantrums have been happening forever; unlike that person concluded, people have started to allow children to determine the rules of engagement.
MightyMighty ,
I wish there could be a reasoned discussion about this issue, but that’s pretty difficult to do.
I tend to agree with you that the whole “autism spectrum” thing should be more carefully examined.Parents need to trust their own intuition sometimes & use discernment & common sense about their child’s behavior.
As you state, disciplining consistently is key-whatever that discipline might be.
OMG - I love how I’m getting accused of having a live-in nanny and neglecting my children. Wow. What charity!
Let me clarify something, this post is primarily supposed to inspire *personal* reflection (particularly if you have kids). it was not supposed to encourage unfair judgment of other people’s kids of which you could not possibly know their full circumstances and personal battles. It’s not a jumping off point to complain about other people’s kids or parenting. It’s not a magic parenting method that neglects the reality of child temperament. It is just supposed to give us pause to make sure that we personally are giving our kids the attention they deserve, and when appropriate, something we could charitably share with others that might help them.
Sheesh.
Matthew -
Thank you for this article. It did inspire personal reflection and I do find that whether it’s my husband’s ESPN in the background or my Catholic Mommy blogs pulled up on the computer, we both have been distracted during family time or from other household chores that need to be addressed from time to time. It’s a struggle to say “I’m working out for my health and to set a good example for my children” but then your children are away from you for 3hrs a day while you work out training for a marathon or Ironman. Or you think “I’m making the house more of a home” and it goes back to the Martha vs. Mary struggle of what does your family really need, a 5 course meal at every dinner and spotless home, or a parent that spends that effort/time sitting and playing or reading. Or you think “Im working extra shours at work to build up savings for our family and the children” but then the children miss more time with their parents. It’s a tough society we are living in, a tough balancing act meeting everyone’s needs and desires and smartphones aren’t the only distraction.
The bottom line is : People need to mind their own Damn business!!!!!!!!
What people do with their kids is none of your damn business.
If what they eat don’t make you poop then don’t worry about it!!!!!!
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