As a new dad or rather a dad to two under two, this article was absolutely brilliant. I needed these words of encouragement as I feel somewhat guilty when Catherine decides to sing during the consecration or when Felicity decides that she’s hungry and must eat during the homily.

Thank you, honestly I really did need to read this as I honestly did feel shunned when my daughters didn’t act as model citizens during the Mass.

Thank you—- a million times over. I’m pregnant with my 5th child—mine range in age from 3.5 year old identical twin boys up to my 17 year old daughter, with a 5 year old daughter in the middle.

I struggle with Mass - because my fellows are rambunctious, and my husband and I are outnumbered. :) I try to keep the children as quiet as possible, but there are days when my husband will tell you that Mass feels like he’s been to the dentist and had teeth pulled.

I have to wrestle my little ones to keep them from falling into the holy water font every time we head into church. At Ash Wednesday Mass, as we were kneeling, my youngest son exclaimed, “I CAN’T SEE NUFFIN DOWN HERE!”

Sigh.

I’m blessed to be in a parish where I don’t feel shunned - thank goodness. The ONLY way that our children will learn, and feel connected to our faith, is from exposure.

Thank you. I needed this now, more than ever.

Matt,

I think this is being blown out of proportion a little bit.  Maybe I’m detached from this because my wife and I have fertility issues, but we have friends with large families and two God children, so we still get a small share of being responsible for children at mass.

In the majority of masses I’ve been at, there are at most one or two kids who may begin to cry in mass.  There are however dozens of young kids (3 -8) who have toys, electronic devices, and various kinds of distractions that really have no place in mass.

In regards to crying children, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for parents to walk to the back of the church or a cry room for a few minutes until the child regains composure.  I think it stands to reason that if you have any sense of awe for what goes on at mass, you probably are going to do this out of respect for your fellow parishioner who wants to focus on these precious moments.

In regards to the general consensus that children are more undisciplined, and this generation of parents are far more lax; I think it’s safe to say that is anecdotally true.  However, this doesn’t give someone the right to be snide, rude, or belittle said person. That doesn’t lead to an increase in discipline. In fact, it probably makes the new parents want to be even less like you.

What is most necessary in this matter though, is concern for the well being of your neighbor from both sides in this. New parents should want to keep an atmosphere in the sanctuary that preserves as much reverence as possible, and parishioners without children should be patient, and helpful to those who are just beginning to feel the weight of this new found responsibility.

i was welcomed into the faith in september. our parish has to have five masses every sunday. i will only ever have my one gift from god. he’s the only one that made it far enough along to be born. it makes me smile everytime i here the little ones singing, giggling, cooing, and other things that they do. i love the way you can feel every mother in the congragtion look around when they hear cries of “mama.” don’t let anyone make you feel snubbed!! never forget that you are bringing the next generation into the faith, and they learn it from you!! i’ve never heard either of my priests tell anyone to take their kids outside. i can’t imagine feeling at home in a parish that would do that.

Thank you so much for this article!! I have told many the reason I bring my five children to mass instead of the nursery is that I didn’t make a promise to God, when I had them baptised, to take them to the nursery, I made a promise to take them to mass. Some days I feel like I missed everything that was said ans feel totally stressed, but I offer it up for the poor souls in Purgatory, at least that makes me not feel so badly about having no clue what the homily was about:-)

Our wild child’s are the FUTURE of the Church!!!  People need to get off their high horses and remember this!

I completely agree with your main point.  I would just add that the majority of Catholic churches I have visited, including my current parish church, do not even have a cry room at all (which only further enforces your point).

Dateline: Des Moines, Good Friday Mass, 7:00 p.m. Parish left unnamed to protect the holy innocent. A chatty 1-1/2 year old accompanies my husband and me to Mass. Upon finding space in a pew near friends who have 4 kids (we felt safe next to them), we heard an older woman in the pew behind us say: Those kids should be home with their grandmas. Say what? Grandmas can’t attend Good Friday masses either? The nerve!

Good thing there is no sign of peace during Good Friday masses; I would have let her have it. (But in my state of wrath, I forgot that fact and all Mass long I was thinking of pithy remarks to say to her when the time would come.) Who knew sitting near trusted friends, role model parents, would lead me into temptation.

We don’t have a cry room, and it never seems to be much of a problem - we have loads of young kids at every mass, who are frequently noisy, and nobody really minds.  Certainly, we have never had the priest making comments like some people have mentioned, and I don’t get the impression that anyone is uncomfortable bringing their children to Mass.  That said, while you make a good point about the importance of welcoming people to Mass, we do need to acknowledge the serious problem of people (and children) who do not know how to behave in Mass. I work in a girls Catholic High School, in England, where realistically I would estimate fewer than 5% of staff or students attend one Mass per month.  When we have to take the girls to Mass, approximately once or twice a term, we have to deal with : eating, swearing, giggling the whole way through, complete ignorance of any of the responses, discussing sex in Mass and trying to hide the Eucharist in pockets.  At my own parish, it is a rare Sunday where I do not see adults (not small children! not teens! not young adults!) talking through the consecration, gladhanding during the sign of peace (i.e. moving 10+ aisles to shake hands with someone), checking phones, gossiping about other parishoners and running out straight after Communion.  Now, they are grown up and should know better, but I strongly suspect that many of these people’s bad Mass behaviours stem from when they were small and their own parents allowed them to do whatever they wanted in Mass.  So it is hard not to look put out at families who let 6 and 7 year olds (not 2 or 3 year olds) run amok during Mass, or who hand out elaborate snacks and juice boxes 10 minutes into Mass, or who just generally have no control or discipline for their children.  Not only do you know that these children (if they even stay Catholic) will be the ones chatting during the consecration in 25 years, but in about 4 years when they get to my schook, I’ll have to be explaining to them basic tenants of good Mass behaviour.

I remember being one of those boisterous kids at Mass (at least until I was about eight). My favourite “thing” was running up to the edge of the sanctuary whilst the priest was in the middle of the Eucharistic Prayer. Today, I’m training to be a priest myself.

When there is a child speaking,crying etc.

.  during Mass i envision Mary Our Mother with the child Jesus and how He must have cried,spoke,and was a little cracky in the temple. 

Would someone be angry with them. these little ones our speaking with the Father in their own way.

We were all children once let us not judge the innocent remember WE ARE AT MASS also.

All my children are grown and now I have grandchildren at Mass.  I think “cry rooms” are part of the anti-child mindset of our culture seeping into the Church.  I like to hear the sounds of children at Mass.  I can see the cry rooms used on rare occasions when a child has a ture meltdown, but most noises kids make are a sign of life and we should not be put off by such “intrusions” at the Mass.  We want to encourage people to have children and bring them to Mass.

We used to sit at the front of the church so our kids could see what was going on.  Sometimes it was challenging to keep them quiet, but they learned because we kept at it.  How else are they going to learn.  I sometimes think that the people who can’t stand to hear kids at Mass should be the ones who should go to the “cry rooms”...

Thanks for posting this article.  My husband and I are in our late fifties..and love a parish with kids and large families, especially during a liturgy.  This is an incredible sign….where there are families with kids there is LIFE….....

so please let the young families know just because a folks are older doesn’t mean we are meanies….we love life and real families kids included. We were there not to long ago, and actually miss that.

I always like going to a young parish, full of children and young families.  You are so right it is the sign of a living growing church. THe demographic of any parish changes over time , a young parish slowly matures into one with teens then next thing you know there is a lot of grey hair in the pews.
The most important thing to remember is that we are all somewhere along on that journey , each stage should think compassionately on other stages and try and understand how they feel.
I am tempted to question the faith commitment if people are staying away because they feel they got a “look”  from some one. Surely the importance of the Mass and sacraments trumps any dirty looks one may get.  But i agree we need to encourage families and make everyone welcome, but at the same time , each person needs to take responsibility and stop blaming others for how they act . Somehow the most Christian thing on both sides would be to think the best of the other.

In my opinion new parish construction or new renovations should incorporate a family friendly room that is closer to the altar. The current “cry room” design always has the family and kids hidden away so far from the altar that it seems these are the least valued parishioners. Also, the sound system, heating and cooling, and seating should be given special consideration, often times these rooms are some of the worst for comfort. It might even help to have television in the room that provides a close up video of the altar, this might help the parents stay more engaged.

Be thankful dear American Catholics, when you hear children at mass, you won’t hear any such noise in the churches of Europe!

To me, it’s all about seconds duration and decibel level. There’s a difference between the family with young children who are somewhat squirmy during Mass, and who occasionally coo or cry or sing, vs. the family who hand their children toy trucks or the car keys to bang on the pew (high decibels, intermittent but long duration), or who, when the little one has a melt down and begins to shreik at a decibel level that could peel the wallpaper off the wall, remain steadfastly in their place and refuse to take said little one out into the vestibule or hallway to calm them.
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Of course families with babies and young children belong with the rest of the congregation at Holy Mass. Of course little ones will be somewhat active and somewhat noisy. And of course, when that activity and noise goes beyond “somewhat”, parents who are considerate will carry the little one elsewhere for a little break until they are quieted.
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Why is that so hard?

To me, it’s all about seconds duration and decibel level. There’s a difference between the family with young children who are somewhat squirmy during Mass, and who occasionally coo or cry or sing, vs. the family who hand their children toy trucks or the car keys to bang on the pew (high decibels, intermittent but long duration), or who, when the little one has a melt down and begins to shreik at a decibel level that could peel the wallpaper off the wall, remain steadfastly in their place and refuse to take said little one out into the vestibule or hallway to calm them.
Of course families with babies and young children belong with the rest of the congregation at Holy Mass. Of course little ones will be somewhat active and somewhat noisy. And of course, when that activity and noise goes beyond “somewhat”, parents who are considerate will carry the little one elsewhere for a little break until they are quieted.
Why is that so hard?

Thank you! It’s all so true! We get comments all the time about how good Anna is at Mass. She’s good because she’s used to it! We’ve been taking her since she was 5 weeks old and she is as much of a parishioner most days as we are. She greets others, listens to the readings and sings along. We learned early on that we have to sit up front, even if it means I can’t sit with my husband some weeks because he’s serving as a hospitality minister. We have no cry room and I’m thankful for that! Children are just little people- we need to teach them to be good little mass-goers! :)

Ugh… PARENTS! PLESE STICK WITH IT! I remember when I was five, near six years old (being a teenager, it wasn’t really all that long ago) and I was TERRIBLE at Mass. I turned around when my dad took me outside after a Mass where I had actually BIT him and said “Your older brother is reciving first communion in a few weeks, your only a bit younger than him. Which means you need to start preparing NOW or you won’t be able to.” That scared me into learning to behave. By the time I realized that he had forgotton to mention that it would be about two years at least before I was old enough, I had learned to like paying attention and I felt God would be angrier at me for not behaving now that I knew how.
I look at my four youger siblings, and each of them in turn behaved badly, but got better and better with each one as my parents learned how to teach them. That means my two older brothers must have been terrors, but they are saintly young men today. I’m not bothered when kids cry and scream at Mass, I just look over and think “Thank God they arn’t biting” because I know I was worse. I’m always greatful that they aren’t as bad as me. My reaction is to say a prayer that the learn to love the Mass. If that was everyone’s reaction to screaming, then the next generation of mass goers would be saints.

Well said Matthew! The so called Catholics sitting in the pews that give the nasty look to the noisy child should read this article.

Wonderfully articulated! 
I attend one such parish where the pastor will stop Mass for a crying baby.  Want to know where to find these families now?  The local Assemblies are full of young Catholic families who have been treated poorly at Mass and we have nobody to blame but ourselves.  We let it happen.  These children are not the future of the Church, they are the face of Christ TODAY!  We need to reach out to these young families and let them know that they are loved and appreciated and needed, regardless of how one or 2 intolerant, impatient, and selfish people might react.  We need to react with love!

This is really wonderful! Thanks! As the mom of four ages 1, 2, 3 & 5 with one due next month, it really made me realize I’m doing the right thing. I sat at Mass yesterday without my husband (he was playing the organ)I did feel overwhelmed, like I just didn’t belong there. This has really boosted my confidence and given me the courage to look past those nasty looks and snide remarks:)

Now that you have contributed to the polarization of Catholics how about recognizing a middle ground that needs intelligent discussion. The question is, are we obliged to let children dominate important activities in public. If you limit your children’s ability to direct attention to themselves at home why are you denying this to other people. I don’t hate children (I am a parent), I love occasional bursts of childish expression in Church, I love the Mass, I AM interested in Father’s homily, I can if I wish watch enjoy a crying child expressing him/herself at a relatives house, or any other characterization of me as one who dislikes children or is against the growth of the Church.

Like Archbishop Harry Flynn would say, “We are so happy to hear the little voices and outbursts that little ones make at Mass because their voices were not snuffed out by abortion”.  Truer words were never spoken!  I have a three-year old and an 18-month old grandson and people smile at them and at us and I do the same when I see little ones at Mass.  We WANT them there.  That’s what matters; not a little noise - it’s the adults who need to stop chattering before and during Mass that bothers me.  They know better.

Thank you! The best priests we’ve ever had in various parishes (various towns) have been the ones who have paused during homilies to smile and comment on the things little parishioners “say” during Mass. They acknowledge that our children are blessings, that they realize how much we’re struggling just to BE there….Must share, my youngest blessing (kids ages 8 through 21 now!) had an especially loud episode of stomach “issues” in Mass last week during the Consecration. Thankfully, we were in the 2nd to last row (crowded, and we couldn’t get in our usual closer to the front pew!), so we heard only a few giggles from behind us. He looked at me and was so embarrassed, but the “rat a tat tat” noises were pretty funny….Gotta love our kids and keep a sense of humor!

I write from two perspectives:  life-long teacher (including child psychology); three-time pastor.

Children who misbehave regularly at Mass (not the exceptional outburst occasioned by God-knows-what)misbehave regularly at home and elsewhere, usually because their parents do not know or care about proper discipline.  People who come to church on Sunday have a right to a peaceful liturgical experience; many of them live horrendous lives and hope for an hour of peace and comfort, unassailed by screaming children and doting parents.  Eating in church?  Ridiculous!  Getting up and running to the rest room throughout the service?  Until very recently, churches didn’t even have toilets (what did we do for centuries before, including in my own boyhood?)  Permanently attached to water and fruit-juice bottles (of course, this is now common for adults, too)?  Out of control.
I cannot tell you how many times I have lost my place in a homily or in the prayers of the Mass because of undisciplined children—walking around, banging their shoes on the pew in front of them, screeching—all the while Mommy and Daddy either blissfully attempting to ignore the bad (yes, bad) behavior and all the while a thousand other people must endure it and, yes, smile so as to prove that we are pro-life and pro-family.
For thirty-plus years, I have inherited adolescents and young adults in my schools and classrooms who are totally undisciplined; they were so at that age because their parents ignored misbehavior in infancy and childhood or, worse, thought it was cute.
If parents have an incorrigible child (and there are some, through no fault of parents), they should divide up Mass attendance, so that the problem is not inflicted on an entire congregation.  I’m just finishing the interview-book with Pope Benedict’s brother: Mr. & Mrs. Ratzinger split Mass duty, precisely to deal with the problem I have addressed.
No, I am not a child-hater.  I love children so much that I believe they should be taught (because they can learn) courtesy, respect and proper church etiquette.  It is those who think otherwise who have a low estimation of children.

May be us oldies should be in the crying room !!!!! I don’t mind it actually. We are housed in a 19th C structure that is all vaulted a d pointy! The babies delight in finding the sweet spot in the vault. You see you g parents think that sitting to the side will make them less inclined to be noisy. Hah! Ambulatories are ear candy to the 6 mo to 3 year crowd. After all Father is all amplified and every one around is singing or answering. I find it hilarious! In this age of threat to their little lives it is grand to hear them experiment in God’s physics!  And rejoice us in their. Song now if we could only get the old coggers to sing and be as free as the Babes!!!! Then the world would be abetted place!

Thank you, Howard, for your sane and insightful comment that allowed me to exhale as I read these comments. I’m hyperventilating as I recall how near the time was that EVERYBODY came as a whole family to Mass and SOMEONE always took the attention getter OUT for a short while. They may have chosen to just finish Mass standing right inside the doors of the nave but the attention was allowed to be where it was supposed to be. They showed respect for the reason EVERYONE was there. It was hard for young parents then (as now) to get their families there but they never thought twice about it. And NOBODY expected perfect behavior from children, but they KNEW the parents would take care of major distractions. We don’t have that assurance anymore. It’s not always easy for elderly people, or anybody with health issues to get to Sunday Mass. And then to have to sit near someone making it impossible to even hear the Mass, and the parents will not remove the child causing the distraction?! And I know this doesn’t only happen at Mass, but at ANY public function anymore. This is hardly something to criticize the Church or priests or plain ol people trying to hear the liturgy for. Yes, I know Jesus said to bring the little children to him but I’ve looked and looked and NOWHERE have I found where He continues with “...and I’ll give them top billing”! Please parents, now matter WHERE you and your children are, just be respectful and considerate of those around you. It’s just common sense.

At the FSSP Mass I go to fortnightly the children are very well behaved; sure there are few that need to be kept in line, but at least they don’t run up to the sanctuary during Mass, distract people at Adoration by running around and climbing over the pews, I collared one boy who was doing just that last Easter and as I frog-marched him to the back of the Church, the hysterical mother threatened to set the police on me.

A few minutes later a friend tried to repremand me and make excuses e.g. the mother is a single mother with several other children, the boy has ADHD, well my mother is a single mother and I am autistic, I didn’t climb around the pews in Church when I was a child.

As a convert to Catholicism from the Anabaptist persuasion the noise at Mass has been one of the greatest pains for me. Mennonite/Amish/Plain children are taught from the earliest age to remain silent & quiet at worship service. It’s nothing to attend a 2 hour service & find the littlest ones asleep on the floor on a blanket at Mom’s feet, quietly perusing a book next to their brothers & sisters or sitting on a parents lap behaving. The training of children in obedience & respect doesn’t happen on Sunday morning, it happens with persistence, gentle discipline & practice at home.

In a society where children are relegated to daycare at 6 weeks followed by years of preschool, and kindergarten, why should we be surprised at the out of control ‘pay attention to me’ behavior of our little children. Parents are called to train up their children—not let the little rascals rule the roost, make us miserable, embarrass us & interrupt the rest of the congregation.

Yes, we are called to endure this interruption with grace,and most of us do not mind a short bit of noise & misbehavior, but if the children behave this way for their parents in public now, why are we surprised as a Church when they refuse to obey as teens. I know, as a catechist, the same parents who don’t control their children at Mass are the ones dropping the uncatechized urchins off at CCD expecting me to install a complete upload of faith, Bible & Sacraments in 1.5 hours on a Wednesday afternoon. I get the impression we are to tolerate the little monsters at Church, poopoo their behavior as ‘cute’ and tolerate their antics to the detriment of the child’s very soul. As the Menno’s say: If they won’t obey their parents how will they ever obey their Heavenly Father?

The only thing anyone should think about crying babies is their beauty and innocence. We should long for to regain that.

However, if you really need to think about something else, Jesus said, “Suffer the little children unto me.”

I used to be one of those “why can’t you use the cry room” people. I now (age 59), think the concept of a cry room is a bad idea. Those kids are every bit as much of the community as this old fart is, and how arrogant of me to ever think they should have been separated from the community like lepers. Perhaps, when we find it hard to focus on the mass because of their noise or crying, Jesus is sending us a reminder to focus on the children, and to remember that we were children unto our parents once, just as we are always children unto God. Are we any better than crying children? Let’s see, do crying children give rise to war?

To Jack Hughes,

I have mixed emotions over your post. My first thought was that you were related to the child in question or that you had permission from the parents to reprimand this child. After reading that in fact the mother was hysterical because of your behavior I realized how very out of line you were and are in your final comment. I don’t know if you can see it or not, but this article was written for you and people that are like minded.

On a different note, if you had attempted something similar with any of my 3 children that occasionally act up in church I can promise you that there would have been ZERO threats as to “setting the police on you,” it would have happened immediately. I would have had you removed from church for attempted child abduction and assault. I’m sure you will read this and roll your eyes, but the fact is you laid hands on a child that you had no right to touch.

Thank you so much for this article. I am tempted to print off copies of it and leave it at a few choice churches I have visited. Thankfully my family goes to a church with no cry room. Our children, aged 4, 2 and 10 months, are always the children that get compliments on their behavior when we visit other churches. My 4 year old son looks at me when we are visiting parishes and children are acting up and whispers “Daddy, they are being ugly.” The reason for this? BECAUSE WE TAKE THEM TO MASS AND TEACH THEM HOW TO BEHAVE!! Notice I didn’t say we take them to mass in the cry room!

Thank you once again, Matt. I thank God when I hear the little ones in the back of the Church, With our children, we sat down near the front which made it a lot easier for the children to see what was going on, instead of watching the back of some one’s head. With so few children in Church nowadays, it makes it even more of a blessing to see and hear them, as Jesus told us: Let the little children come to me. Yes, sometimes the children do get out of hand, but most of the time, the real problem is OURSELVES. For those Priest that are offended or annoyed by the children, they should be reminded that they were once young themselves. Hey, instead of having “sound rooms, penalty boxes, etc.; why not just enclose the Altar area, so the Priest won’t be able to hear what is going on, much like the booth on the old $64,000 show.  +JMJ+

Excellent.  So, so true.  We went to 8 am mass this morning.  We have five ages 10 years down to 8 months.  We’ve learned over the years that we’re better if we we all go to Mass together than stay at home, praise God, but it’s because we’ve been welcomed and smiled at and encouraged.  This morning, my 8 month old son, who has figured out just how loud he can be, was trying to drown out Father with ... NOT his cries, but with his squeals of laughter and happiness.  I still took him out at the Consecration because I worried he’d be a distraction, but we returned at the Our FAther and most of Mass went off beautifully with our entire family present.

Keep writing these, keep sharing, keep inviting and keep encouraging all these parents with small children.  Thank you!

Wonderful that finally someone is talking about this! 

It was always our family policy NOT to go to the cryroom.  There were so many distractions that it was impossible for our children to learn to focus on the altar.  Children running, adults talking and lately…adults texting!!It is no wonder that young teens don’t know what to do at Mass and are bored. 

We always sat in the front so that our children could watch the priest and altar servers.  In soft whispers I would tell them what was happening…“see the man in the green coat pick up the big red book…he is going to tell us a story about Jesus…who loves you very much.”

If no children are in the cryroom, it becomes the perfect place for hearing the homily without background noise. Worth giving some thought.  Maybe it is time to give the room a new purpose and a new name.

In so many ways, the family is being attacked in society today. Thank you for putting this refreshing opinion in print. I have one of those now-rare scary families that walk into church and fill the entire row. I often have to handle issues solo as my husband is very active youth minister with many Sunday duties. Our very presence is often a distraction, no matter how well behaved the children are, because people are used to seeing families with three or fewer children. Couple that with a our special needs teen, and I can guarantee judgmental looks at mass (at the minimum) every time we attend, which is every week. It is almost as if those people will not take responsibility for their own focus on the mass.  Most issues with children can and should be dealt with while the family is in the pew. If parents simply do not attend with their families or if they rush out at every little sound or simply let the kids play through mass in the “cry” room, children’s behavior will not improve, and they will learn to leverage their noise levels against their parents. There are a million things parents can do, from parent-directed seating to a hand signal counting down to a specific punishment to planned mini activities for the children to rewards for good behavior. And, if absolutely necessary, yes, a child who will not respond to these things should be removed from the situation. (For me, though, if it comes to that, I may have to leave with the entire family as the younger ones would immediately follow me anyway.) As part of the larger Christian family, I hope more people become more discerning about what is a distraction and what is not. Anyone—no matter the age—chatting through mass is a huge distraction. Happy baby noises should be a treated with understanding. We WANT children to be happy to be there. As a pro-life community we need to help less experienced parents to grow without making them feel alienated AND we need to be realistic about what we expect from children.

The commenters who think that the author is advocating letting children run wild ar Mass need to reread te article. He is not advocating a play date in front of the Tabernacle. All he is saying, and rightly so, is that parents with young children, particularly young children having a bad day could use sympathy, understanding and help and not the.kind by a previous commenter who laid hands on someone else’s child. What would have been appropriate is to tap mom on the shoulder and kindly offer to.sit with the other children while *she* took care of the out of control child.
If you think a parent is doing a substandard job training their children dirty looks and anode remarks will accomplish absolutely nothing. Either offer a hand to those parents or be quiet and pray for them.

Jason

I just frogmarched the child down the asle towards his mother, now I don’t know what crazy ass law you live under but I find it laughable that you would consider that ‘child abduction’ FYI there were close to a dozen people present.

May I ask you a question? If parents won’t set boundries, then who should? As far as I’m concerned I acted as a responsible member of the community in showing the child that running around when others are trying to pray is not accetable behaviour, If I was feeling nasty I’d call you a pansy ass liberal who is afraid of discipline

I hear people complaing about children cying at Mass. When I hear a child crying at Mass, I ask God to calm their little heart and then I thank God that the mother of the child chose life.

Little ones at a mass are a joy.  Most parishes should have a seperate area for the babies and their mom’s etc.. I remember the famous crying room for families from my youthful days at the catholic masses though parents need to take some precautions. I had a mass book written for youngsters for my self and my son when we were growing up. A Baggy full of cheerios type cereal and some quiet play items for the little ones should be stamdard tems for most young families at church.Families grow into adult parishoners who bring new blood into the Catholic faith.

Instead of being self-righteous about ourselves and our children, I think we all need to remember the Golden Rule. As a teacher of young children and a parent, this is how I see it. Treat others as we would like to be treated. If your child is being loud enough to prevent others from praying and worshiping Our Lord during Mass, what’s wrong with walking them to the back for a while? No one views you as a lesser member of the Body of Christ. If I have a coughing fit, I would do the same thing, excuse myself for a bit. And I agree with previous posts. Children can be taught that there are different ways we behave in various situations, gently and lovingly, but consistently. It works both ways, we all need to be considerate of eachother.

In my experience, the adults are more a problem than the children. Most young children are generally somewhat behaved at Mass, and everyone has rough days (and I completely empathize with the parents with their hands full!). But what is inexcusable is the myriad of adults who carry on conversation before Mass and during Mass. This is what I find particularly distracting. Children definitely won’t learn how to be reverent and attentive Mass-goers if the adults can’t (or won’t) even do the same.

When Jesus carried his cross, the rest of the world just kept on with their daily tasks. Some even stopped to spit upon Him and curse at Him. When He died on the cross for the sin of mankind, there was no minute of silence, no flag at half staff. I’m more guilty than anyone of thinking that the Church is the house of Saints, but that’s not true. We are, most of us sinners invited in the Holy of Holies to be transfigured to the image of Christ. Yet for most of us adults, myself included, we carry on with casual conversations like it’s a marketplace. Moreover, if I don’t take the hour before Mass to reflect on the readings, I don’t get anything intellectually out of Mass anyways.

Kids are so refreshing to see at Mass. Yes, they are misbehaving half the time, but then Jesus reminds me that I need to be like them, trusting and dependent towards God as they are towards their parents. Not only that, they teach me the virtues of patience, meekness, and self-control. Thank you for bringing your children into this world and sharing your children with us!

Matt, why on earth did my comment get marked as spam but ones with curse words can get through? I will not be silenced! :)

Ooh, I should have said ... I will not be silenced and my kids won’t be either!

Mine got marked as spam too, Lisa…not sure why (and no curse words included)

As a parishioner in a very small rural parish, with an elderly population, the sound of a baby crying is music to my ears!

We have far too many funerals, and not nearly enough baptisms.

On the same note, we have an elderly couple who never miss Mass (due to the help of their 50’s something son.)  The wife has early dementia.  She regularly accompanies the Priest during the Eucharistic prayer.  Not loud enough for all to hear, but if you are sitting nearby, you can’t help but notice.

It always makes me smile.  Her heart is in the right place, and she just can’t help herself.  In the innocence of it, we see a little glimpse into her soul.

Although…with the new translation, there’s a whole new level of humor, if you are looking for it!

Great topic Matt.  I recall my parish priest one Sunday morning as he tried to give his homily over the sudden outbreak of a crying child who was getting a little restless.  He paused, smiled and said, “Don’t you love the voice of a child crying.  It is a sure sign of life in the Church and of hope for the future.”  He then continued his sermon.  That priest is now my Bishop.  He is the most spirit filled and loving man I know.  I will never forget that day.  With so many empty spaces in our pews, I too, love the cry of a child and I’m reminded of our bishop’s words each and every time I here it.

When my son was about 3 years old, I took him to the front row of church, off to one side. That way he could actually SEE and hear the Mass and have something to focus on, but if he was a bit restless we weren’t distracting the priest or other parishioners too much. It worked like a charm for him (and, I hope, for everyone). It was easier for him to sit still or stand or kneel when he wasn’t trapped behind a wall of towering adults. There were still Sundays when we had to drop back to the lobby for a quick stroll to release some energy, but that was okay. We were attentive to the reactions of people around us, but we also were trying to meet our son’s needs. To this day, he loves to sit in the front row where the action is and he enjoys attending Mass.

I tend to the “Let the little children come to me” view, but I also recognize, having four rowdy kids of my own, that the Church is wonderfully generous in exempting parents from Sunday obligation. Fulton Sheen told a story of a woman taking her noisy baby out of one of his masses. “Madame, the child is not bothering me,” he said. “No,” she replied, “But you’re bothering the child.”
OTOH, I always argue that the people who complain about noisy kids should be the ones in the cry room. If they really can’t hear that well, they should sit in the soundproof room with speakers.
One who is properly recollected in prayer should not be bothered by a little noise, and a crying baby should be an opportunity to pray for that child and praise God for giving us babies.

Another thought. What did the people who listened to our Lord when he was here on earth do when he preached? There was no cry room, in fact the one time that his disciples tried to chase the little ones away he chastised them. Sure it’s annoying and some what distracting but over all I’d rather have a whole church full of crying children and their families as opposed to the alternative empty pews.

My wife and I attended the Catholic elementary school’s Ash Wednesday Mass for grades K-6. The kids were as reverent as grade schoolers could be. The young priest (who is very orthodox), during the dialogue homily, asked the kids who do you love and they answered “Jesus” as loud as they could. The walls of the church were almost shaking. Unfortunately, some of the older people were steamed about this and were making comments like, “Why can’t those kids be quiet.” It was the grade school Mass, for crying out loud. The adults attending the Mass should have been grateful that the kids were enthusiastic about Jesus (especially the kids in the lower grades). The adults should have remembered Jesus saying, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them.”
If the complaining adults didn’t like to go to the grade school Mass, there were two other Masses and a Communion service at our parish. Some of these adults, I think, belong to the ‘me and Jesus’ club.

one thing to add: All CATHOLIC CHURCH BATHROOMS should have CHANGING TABLES! It is a rare church that has changing tables- we must be open to life, yet change the babies on the floor???

(sorry- just did it at a church I was visiting)- cold, hard, dirty floor….rich parish with 5,000 families (no joke)

The author’s last paragraph was not a pass for the parents or children.  Here is another question: would these same parents tolerate this if 1)any sports game was on tv? or 2) a teller was counting their cash at the bank? 3) a surgeon was operating on one of the kids and the rest were in earshot? 4) and lastly, at a car lot, the family is there to make a purchase? Would there still be the same behaviour and tollerence?
Welcome all, and all behave at Mass, it is only an hour- you can do it.

With 5 kids, I’ve been through my share of traipsing around the entryways of churches or trying to distract a wiggly one with stained-glass windows.
there have also been times when I wanted the hole in the floor to open and swallow me. 

I learned a lesson about crying rooms early on.  We were at Mass with our two children.  Our 2yo daughter was chatty as usual.  I was straining to hear Mass when I noticed she suddenly went quiet.  I looked over to see an elderly woman holding my daughter’s little hand and playing a little finger game with her.  Far from being distressed, this woman was actually trying to be helpful. Another time, a different woman in the same parish slipped our son a candy (okay, I realize that may not be a good thing, but she was trying to help).

As our family grew, I held the message of these two women in my heart.  Children are our future and while they’re no more perfect than we are, they must be taught and to a point, tolerated in order to be taught. 

Early in the Church, Masses were held in catacombs with not only children present, but probably animals too.

After 86 years and many,many grands and great grands and teaching kids
I only feel that these complainers never had a kid or their kids were little saints and they would have chased all the little Hebrew kids off the Mount so they could hear Jesus in comfort. These little ones are the future of the Church.

Then some children were brought to Him so that He might lay His hands on them and pray; and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

“No doubt the disciples wanted to shield Jesus from the nuisance of noisy children.”  RCNet.com commentary

I’m with Howard and Sue on this one.  The tone of this article and one of another blogger seem to set the parents with kids against those of us who, at this time in our lives, aren’t bringing small children to church. We are not anti-children!  We were in your shoes for years.  Just MAYBE someone who is not smiling at your child all during mass may have an acceptable reason.
Yes - bring your children to church.  You and your entire family belong with the rest of the parich there.  BUT, this one hour of the week, community is not the primary focus - the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass is.  All we are asking is that you be cognizant of that and minimize the distractions your child is capable of causing. 
We love children every bit as much as any parent out there. We would also like to be able to concentrate on the homily and the consecration.  Why is that so difficult to understand, accept and accommodate?
To address the other point, I can’t magine my parents or my friends parents not going to Mass, or going to another church, because of feeling insulted in instances regarding the children’s behavior.  To my mind, that is demonstrating an awfully shallow faith.

I’ve always considered the cry rooms (if a church has one at all) to be a “temporary fix” - so if the kid has an utter meltdown or needs a diaper changed or a bottle or whatever it is, they could escape to the cry room, get things taken care of, and come back.  I don’t mind them cooing or playing with toys or turning around in the pews or whatever; that’s normal.  The term “cry room” I think explains it well - when the child is crying, you escape to the cry room.  Kids just being kids doesn’t necessitate a trip there. And I say this as someone who does not particularly melt at the sight of tiny humans.  :)

I think Jack Hughes and Sue are charter members of the ‘me and Jesus’ club.
As far as I am concerned, Jack, you are the immature one who needs to go to the cry room. That way, it will be just you in the church, because in your perfect world, there won’t be any other people in the church, because everyone else didn’t match up your perfect standards.
I’ve got a few suggestions, Jack:
Attend another Mass. Have the priest celebrate a private Mass just for you. Stop being so selfrighteous.
As far as I am concerned, you were not being a responsibile member of the community. You were being a big fat jerk.
To second Matt’s post, Jack would have been arrested by the local cops for attempted child abduction andd assault if he laid as so much of a hand on our child. You would have been lucky that myself and my wife didn’t get a hold of you first.
The parent wasn’t being ‘a pansy-assed liberal’ but being a parent. You are being a Pharisee.
We’ve had foster children who have misbehaved in church at Mass and I’ve had to take them out of church because they were misbehaving.
And, yes, it matters, Jack, if the kid has ADD, ADHD, or is autistic. It isn’t a matter of ‘make those kids behave.’ Only in your perfect world can you ‘make those kids behave.’

It is all a little intolerance. Children will make sometimes noise or do mischiefs. But they have to be given proper instruction before setting out for church and also in the church. THey will mostly obey when you whisper to them at the proper times like,  ” you look at the priest , he is offering bread to God ”  or “See Jesus wants us to be silent watching what the priest is doing ”  However if the child is unmanageable, the mothr or father can take it outside for a few minutes and pacify and bring nback. The cry room culture is initiated by some who does not tolerate children’s noise and moods

Looks like you’re preaching to the choir! Everybody loves babies, especially Catholic babies. We need to turn the world around, and it starts with Catholic babies at mass, who turn into Catholic children in catechism class and at Catholic schools, who then grow into seminarians, priests, bishops, cardinals, saints… and the holy martyrs who will step up when the going gets tough. Tough times are coming.

“I’m sure you will read this and roll your eyes, but the fact is you laid hands on a child that you had no right to touch”

Absurdity. Haven’t you heard the phrase “in loco parentis”? I would stand by Jack Hughes.

I agree having a two year old, my third child i know the tricks of keeping him silent lol, but i do enjoy to hear the sounds of them. As it says in the bible “let the little children come.”

I spent 30 years in a protesting church and kids were segregated to class rooms.  What an unexpected joy to return to the one true faith and find noisey children at Mass.  I love their noise and faces.  Your conclusion is exactly right their noise is proof of a vibrant, growing church.

Eastern Shore, 
I don’t see how your examples were related.  Those are all situations I don’t HAVE to be in each week, my children don’t receive any grace from being there, and I have no hopes that they will have a daily ongoing relationship with, say, used car salesmen for the rest of their lives. I certainly would not bring my children to any place where I thought their presence would put anyone’s life in immediate physical danger (no matter who the surgeon was operating on.)  But Mass, happily, is not usually a life-threatening situation, and while people probably will buy a car, watch tv, or use a bank someday, their salvation does not depend on it.

Mick

It happened one time last year after the Mass of the Lord’s supper and by your standards a teacher who lays hands on a bully to stop him tormenting another child is guilty of assault. I would also point out that any cop with half a brain would dismiss you’re accusations of ‘attempted abuduction’ once he’d heard the full story (FYI nearly everyone else in the room knew me by name and sight, so it wouldn’t be too hard to track me down) and might even arrest YOU for wasting police time.

Oh and being Autistic or ADHD isn’t an excuse, I am autistic yet even as a child I understood that Churches were sollenm places even though at that point in my life the only reason you’d find me inside a Church would be for carols by candlelight on Christmas Eve or on Church Parade as part of the boy scouts.

Of course Jesus is fine with little Children coming to him, however I doubt he wants children to distract others at prayer by climbing over the pews making battle noises, especially at Easter

I work at my parish and I’ve had a nasty email written to me about my kids and how someone was distracted by them as well as I’ve received a few comments after Mass on separate occasions. It’s sad to me.  My wife and I were doing our best and trying to help our kids be focused.  We don’t think its required to take them out of the church every time they made some noise (presuming they were not screaming or crying excessively).  If they wine for 10 seconds because they want something one should not have to take them out of the church each time.  Great article!

I personally think that kids should be at Mass with their families learning how to be still for an hour and separating that time from the rest of their play time in their minds from a young age.  That being said, when I was little, the “cry room” was for a mom to take a single crying child out of Mass for a moment while they calmed the quiet child.  It wasn’t for families to gather from the very beginning of Mass as if they weren’t even going to try.  My oldest daughter uses the cry room also for nursing when the need arises, and she finds that she can never find a seat because there are moms, dads, and teenagers that “go with” the noisy child in the family.  Families need to find their seat in church, claim their pew and steak out their space for their family.  Then, if one of the babies gets uncontrolably cranky, that baby needs to go to the cry room for a few minutes.  It’s not meant to be permanent seating for the entire Mass. 
But as a group, our families recognize and appreciate young children in church. Our church only has about 80 families and only about 50 come to Mass for our one service on Sunday.  Nobody is about to tell anybody that they need to take their babies out.  Cuz we love ‘em!

I don’t know what your ‘me and Jesus club’ is and what it was in my comment that caused you to put me there.  I will tell you I raised my children alone, all boys, and they knew I had expectations of them and their behavior, especially anytime we were in public and especially when we were in Mass (reverance). Any tests on how important good behavior was to me were dealt with very clearly at home. Actions always have consequences they were taught. And my children never doubted how dearly loved they were by me. My “payoff” is watching them have the same expectations of their children. Hearing people say how well behaved my grandchildren are, not only at Mass but ANYWHERE is the reward for not necessarily hard work, but unending effort. Lets be clear here, though, babies crying is not bad behavior. I don’t think anyone has a gripe about an innocent baby crying. I don’t believe anyone to this day expects perfect behavior out of children in Mass.  It’s when a child, whether innocently or not, becomes a big distraction from what we are all there for in the first place (whether it’s Mass, a movie, whatever) and is allowed to remain a big distraction.  That’s what’s rude, thoughtless and inconsiderate and is not the fault of the child. Maybe I am a member of a me and Jesus club, just not yours.  Me and Jesus love all the little children, even the ones being naughty.  And just as I expected good behavior of my children, Jesus will expect it of all of them.

Sorry, my last comment was directed to Mike.

AMEN! As a grandparent and a committed Catholic and Christian, I totally agree with Matt. I love to hear the children at Mass, sure I get a bit distracted but it gives me a chance to thank Our Merciful God for parents who care enough to raise their children in the faith and guide them to Him. It also allows me to work on my own woundedness and distractedness to seek a closer union with Him. When I hear a child speak loudly, or baby cry, I smile and thank God for His precious gift of life and the parent who said “yes” to His Gifts.

Want your kids to be attentive when you want, is needed, or required? Try praticing at home. Try praying the Rosary, even if it just 1 decade a day, as a family to get them going. The Mass is not the place. Your kids will be more focused in school, sports, respectful of others and better socialized.  Been there, done that. And my $ would go to Jack Hughes, too.

Great article Matthew! Hang in there - my youngest is now 8, so I don’t have those issues anymore. However, I well remember the negativity and snide comments. In our current parish, there are 1300 registered families. We rarely see an expectant mom and there are hardly any babies or toddlers. It’s sad. Some of my kids were down-right angelic at Holy Mass, others not so much. Yet now they all love going - the teens will attend Mass during the week on their own “Just because.”

If we are pro-life, how can we be upset to have children in our pews? Instead, we should rejoice! Sure, it can get distracting to have a lot of racket at Mass. Most parents are doing the best they can and they deserve our support - not dirty looks. As others have said, if you take your children out often, they will learn to behave. If you keep them at home, they will never learn how to act in church and social situations.

http://catholicponderings.blogspot.com/

I am a mother of 5 children. My oldest is 10 and my youngest just turned 2. I saw the title of your article and I just had to read it. I honestly do not like the article. Maybe 10 years ago when I had no children could I better relate/understand why you approached this topic the way you did but not now. I worked my way back to my faith over the 10years I have had children. My oldest has Asperger’s and my 4 1/2 year old as cerebral palsy due to a stroke in utero. My husband has taken even a longer road coming back to Catholicism and due to his job works every other weekend. I have taken these kids to Church myself for 10 years. My oldest still has trouble comprehending how to act and speak in Church. I spend the week practicing and talking about how to behave in Church.

I am ashamed in my fellow brother and sister’s in Christ. I have had Father comment to me to make coming to Church a fun and happy experience. I am sorry but when you are one person moving 5 small children and 2 with disorders that can even shake a saints patience… Smiling is the last thing a Mother can do. Yes my situation may be extreme and believe me when I have heard the words of disappointment and encouragement of how my family has acted.

I say wake up! Christ embraced the children. He disciplined the disciples when they tried to keep them away. Every brother and sister who can not except children in Mass is just like the disciples. We are called to be Christ like.

I understand their may be a family or two who really don’t discipline their child but do you know what they are facing that day? I have cried going to Church asking God to get me through the hour and I have cried leaving Church. I have no relatives to help me and for 9 years no husband. It has been my Love of Christ that makes me go it has been the Love of Christ that helps me to forgive the others around me scowling or not seeing me. Christ has always showed me He was their though, through others that were kind and acted His love.

Can anyone understand a Mother’s load of trying to discipline and educate her children of the sheer Love she has for Christ and His Church. They are young and can not comprehend the importance or reverence. It takes YEARS for this to come to fulfillment. Years of teaching and training! Years of examples with highs and lows, pride and embarrassment. The Church understands this and embraces children.

Nope, I do not like your article. Children behavior should not be looked down upon. Yes they eat Cheerios because they do not and are nor held to a fasting before receiving the bread of Christ.  Yes they talk loudly because to whisper is a learned skill and when to use it. Yes they get bored! They do not know yet what Father is saying and the Homily’s are not usually geared for those under 5 or even 10. Yes they run! We tell the parents to make Church a fun time for children but everything they naturally find fun we tell them not to do. Yes it takes years to train a child so why spend years scolding the parents? Everyone gets tired and worn out.

Sure maybe their are those who don’t discipline and it is disrespectful and rude but then who is willing to throw that first stone? Maybe instead of throwing stones acts of Love would work better. First and foremost is showing a child how they should act kind, patient, respectful.

Thank you for writing! My husband and I have three, very young children (5, 3 & 2) who are learning reverence. As much as we have work with our children at home and in the church, we have accepted that there will be some Mass days that are more or less difficult than others.  When our children do misbehave (i.e., talk, play, look around the church and socialize), they are taken promptly out of the church and we kneel on the stone floor until we can be calm and reverent(even the 2-year-old). We have(as my husband commented on above) had people approach our family after Mass telling us where to sit (we sit in the front), when to attend Mass (not when they do) and how unwelcome our children are. Praise GOD that we have yet to be dissuaded from attending Mass!
As adults, let us remember the following before we let loose with the reproving acts:
1. Let us remember to PRAY for these families and their children, recognizing that THEY are the FUTURE of our Faith!
2. Let us remember how hard it is for ADULTS to avoid distraction in prayer & Mass and how much more difficult it is with small children. Let us embrace MERCY and HOPE with their attendance at Mass.
3. Jesus encouraged “to let the children come to me” and these families are attempting to honor Him, not the rest of us. Praise God for this!
4. In order to fraternal correction to be received and heeded, it must occur within relationship. As big as our parish families are, it is likely you have little to no rapport with the distracting families. Remember that any corrections may be mistaken as an act of rejection or unwelcome-ness that turns a family away from the Faith. QUITE a heavy responsibility to undertake on one’s soul!

Sue:
If you don’t like kids at Mass, go to a parish that doesn’t have kids attending Mass. That parish will be dead within 10 years. I’m sure your kids were perfect angels 1000% of the time.  Be in a perfect church all by yourself and you’ll be quite alone, just you and Jesus in an empty church. Just try and read your Bible where Jesus rebukes His Disciples for hindering the little children. Last I heard, Jesus didn’t come to save the saved, but came to save sinners.
In your world, people shouldn’t bring children to church. Only perfect kids should attend Mass. Try to practice charity, Sue.
And, yes, when myself and my brother and sisters misbehaved in church, we were taken out of church and then received punishment at home.

Jack:
Kids today do have ADD, ADHD and are autistic, whether you can comprehend it or not. Maybe in your perfect world, kids just need to be told to behave and they’ll behave perfectly.
In our imperfect world, kids have been abused - every type of abuse -(that’s why the foster care system is overloaded) and we who are foster parents have to try and pick up the pieces from these children’s shattered lives. That’s why a lot of these kids have ADD and ADHD, because they were abused. My wife and myself try to bring God’s love to these kids for as long as we have them.
I’ve taught ADD, ADHD and autistic kids. I need a lot of patience to do so, but I manage.
Perhaps you need to develop some patience with these kids, instead of worrying about ‘these kids are not being perfect angels and they need to be punished.’ You are not their parent or relative, so take a chill pill.
Go to a church that doesn’t have kids attending Mass and you’ll be attending a dead church.

As a mom of 6 under 12, we’ve had our moments(and still do)of holy unrest at Mass.  I’ve always agreed with this author that your kids can’t learn to behave at Mass unless they are meant to “practice” it over and over and over, as something that is non-negotiable.  Although I’m sure not official Church teaching, I’ve always believed that Our Lady obtains double the graces for parents “surviving Mass” with their littles.  :)

In defense of Jack Hughes, when a child is allowed to escape from a parent(Mom was probably distracted by another wiggle worm), it should be considered a HELP to have said child corraled & guided back to parents.  In many Latino Masses I’ve attended, any church member is welcome to care for/quiet a child requiring attention.  To Cathy, I’ve seen the whole family in the crying room too.  I hope Matt writes a 2nd article to encourage the families with children with tolerable wiggliness to leave the crying room.  Our crying room is huge: 16 chairs & a short pew & still has room for my wheelchair.  I sit in the nursery to prop my leg up at Mass due to an injury; side benefit is I get to see the same wonderful families each week.

As adults, let us remember the following before we let loose with the reproving acts:
1. Let us remember to PRAY for these families and their children, recognizing that THEY are the FUTURE of our Faith!
2. Let us remember how hard it is for ADULTS to avoid distraction in prayer & Mass and how much more difficult it is with small children. Let us embrace MERCY and HOPE with their attendance at Mass.
3. Jesus encouraged “to let the children come to me” and these families are attempting to honor Him, not the rest of us. Praise God for this!
4. In order to fraternal correction to be received and heeded, it must occur within relationship. As big as our parish families are, it is likely you have little to no rapport with the distracting families. Remember that any corrections may be mistaken as an act of rejection or unwelcome-ness that turns a family away from the Faith. QUITE a heavy responsibility to undertake on one’s soul!

As with most issues like this, there a degrees of appropriate response.  Surely, we should normally expect that children do not need to be snacking during a Mass that lasts about an hour.  On any given Sunday, it’s not unusual to observe parents taking no action to teach children how to behave.  I’ve always cringed at the thought of having “cry rooms” ... in one parish it is called the “training room.”  The sound of a talking child is certainly acceptable, and I do not condone a pastor’s public scolding of a child’s behavior.  Still, as parents and grandparents, we should be trying harder in some circumstances by setting a proper tone ourselves by avoiding chit-chat before/during/after Mass.  Proper behavior can be fostered, even among young children.  I’ve had great results in selecting a pew near the front so that they can see the altar instead of nothing but the backsides of the big folks.

I just read all the posts. Nobody mentions that one of the solutions is for each parent go by themselves to seperate masses once in a awile. We did this about half the time. It gave us a chance to concentrate on our worship of God at mass, which is why we go to mass in the first place.
It worked well for us.

I am #5 out of 7 children. My Mom had us in Mass every week! As a mother of 3, ages 14,12 & almost 4, I still have no idea how she kept us all quiet and well behaved in Mass. Unfortunately, Mom passed away from a 13 year battle with cancer when my daughter was just 6 months old, and she’s the one I have the hardest time with. Fortunately, our church is family friendly and we do have a nursery! For the first time inwhat geels like forever, I am ableto attend Mass without having to constantly whisper, ” be still, don’t touch that, it’s time to be quiet now, color Mommy a pretty picture, etc.” I know it’s a short term fix, and I need to teach her how to behave during Mass. But I’m enjoying and getting so much from Mass, that I just feel like i have to take a brief pause in this never ending battle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Totally disagree. While I appreciate young families and the sign that there will be future Catholics I cringe when I hear shrieks and wailing and talking that goes on and on and on and on….and the parents are sitting smack in the middle of an pew making no moves to redirect the child.

So I say to you ALL: Bring books, bring snacks, try to keep them interested in something. Sit on the end so if they start to melt down or talk incessantly—step out into the back for a while.

I’m 33, not a old grouch. I love babies and I understand they can’t be silent. Either can I! I move around, cough, clear my throat and occasionally lean over to my husband and say something.

But the attitude of the young parents is so obviously—“suck it up parishioners with no kids! I have this hard situation on my hands of having to bring a small child to holy Mass so the least you can do it deal with my hardship too.”

Did you ever stop to think that the childless people around you are sinners too, and they just may have enough to deal with that it’s taken every shred of grace possible to get them into the church door and our Lord it trying to get their attention—-and your family is distracting them from Him?!

That’s inconsiderate and the tone of your article is smug. That’s all it is and I see it every week—as I gaze into the empty cry room. EMPTY!

I say bravo to the parents who bring their youngsters to Holy Mass on a regular basis and gradually have them learn to pay attention to the beauty of the Mass and the real presence of Christ because those parents are providing us with future teen agers who are reverent at Mass.  Worse than a crying baby’s distraction is the air-headed, irreverent, clueless behavior of some teenagers.

Mike,  Do you have my comments confused with someone else’s?  Your response to me makes no sense in light of what I’ve written. I’m very supportive of children at Mass and no, I didn’t have an angel in the bunch but they were taught how to behave in public. One was diagnosed with ADD. It sounds like, from your last post, you have special circumstances or at least special knowledge of dealing with special kids and I would imagine that could be a whole separate article. Generally speaking, though, I would hate to think that we as a society can no longer expect good behavior. I would like to think that had that been my child that Jack had to bring back to me, I would have been grateful to him because something must’ve been keeping me from getting him myself.  I wish you peace.

THANK YOU!  good perspective.

Thank you. There’s nothing more annoying than parishioners who turn their heads to find the noisy child’s parents so they can give their look of perfectly self-righteous disapproval.

The best experience I had with my 3-year-old daughter at Sunday Mass was the time she decided to get out of the pew and lay down in the aisle, with her chin in her hands, looking up at the altar during the Eucharistic Prayer—- no noise from her.  I decided it would be best for me not to try to get her since it would have ended with some noise.  Some other persons in attendance said that she helped them to pray.

YES children sometimes can be noisy and distracting - but we are Catholic - a church that believes in the baptism of infants in order to make them a part of the living Body of Christ - and “living” can be noisey!  If you want quiet - go to an early mass.  We have a child in our church with some kind of autistic disorder, and sometimes when he is especially loud I see people giving all sorts of looks to each other. If they would stop and listen to this child they would know that he has been blessed with a gift - he is reciting the Mass - not just the parts we are supposed to say, every word that the Priest says also - EXACTLY - word for word… what a blessing this child and every child is!

My Mom sent me the link to this, and I so needed it today.  WORST MASS EVER. 

My husband & I have a 3 yo daughter and a 1 yo son.  I was raised a “front row Catholic” for the most part.  Since our daughter was born, we have taken her to church.  We tried the cry room - it’s in the back of the church behind everyone and everything.  Long story short, you can’t see or hear almost anything.  We got frustrated with it and decided to go “where the action is.”  We always get to church early to get the front or 2nd pew.  Seeing what’s happening really helps them be quieter.  We bring a huge bag of quiet things for them to hold/read/play with.  Also, we figure if we sit in the same place every Mass, anybody who really doesn’t want to be around 2 little kids will know not to sit near us. :)

Some days though, a great view and 20 quiet distractions just aren’t enough.  That was today.  My son was all over the place and constantly making LOUD, unhappy noises.  He’d throw anything you tried to give him.  I think I left 4 times with him.  I couldn’t even keep him happy for the last minutes of Mass.  Our daughter used “I need to go potty” so Daddy would take her to find us.  We made it through Mass, but the last 5 minutes (as usual) were the worst.  I was in tears and couldn’t get out of church fast enough after the final hymn.  I was mortified. 

We have never heard an unkind word about our children’s behavior during Mass.  Everyone is encouraging.  We even got an encouraging remark today.  We’re so grateful to all those who put up with it because we’re trying so hard to bring them up as good and faithful Catholics.

A noisy church is a growing and alive church.  Some congregations are very quiet….and they are dying. So I rejoice in the little people sounds.

That being said, as a mother of eight who never used cry rooms, when my babies started getting fussy and appeared to be going to cry, I got up and went out into the vestibule and soothed her/him until they were settled.  My fellow parishioners should not have to listen to a screaming baby drown out Father!!!!  Little sounds are one thing…screaming is quite another.

Hmm. I beg to differ. I personally wish that the kids would stop crying or getting distracted. And, no offens,but I don’t think at all that I need to go outside to get away from the distractions. I understand that tiny kids will get restless etc… but hearing about all the struggles that parents go through doesn’t make it any easier for me to “try to”, get into a spirit of prayer, feel the silence, hear God, whatever.  I would suggest that the parents relax and not be so hard on themselves. I think that you need to realize that being a distraction can be just that, a distraction. It doesnt’ make the parents criminals. And yes, if you’re not the parent, as in my case, currently single, it is much “easier”, in thought, to wish that the parents would turn around and try to “do something” with the little kid right in front of you.
    I think it’s very clear that you’re going to experience a situation differently depending on more than one factor at time. The feelings of those who would love to get a bit more quiet at whatever Mass they’re attending are just as valid and “understandable” as that of couples who have little kids.
    I started out my Catholic life in a church in southern Spain, and didn’t see a lot of children there. In fact didn’t know what a crying room was till I came to the States to finish studies and saw one mentioned in a Catholic publication somewhere. The author of this article makes a very good point that no “crying room” is ever ever going to fit all the little kids who may, in one way or another, be, how would I put it, “disturbing the peace” grin? And for that, for whatever it’s worth, I thank him smiles.
  Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure I would have the same feelings if I experienced, inquisitive, fidgety toddlers in any country. I just haven’t happened to have had a Mass disrupted because of their activity. If I did, yes I’d understand that it “couldn’t be helped” buuuuuut, not being the parent I would never know for sure smiles. And it, unfortunately wouldn’t add to my individual and group experience of experiencing God at Mass.
  Okay smiles, scanned a few more posts. I may have gotten of course here and if so I am sorry for that. Again, I have nothing “against” little kids being at Mass, but please, don’t expect people who don’t have kids to go to the cry room themselves if they want some “more” peace and quiet. If you as the parent are rattle trying to distract the toddler, believe me, so is the person behind you trying to maintain “some” inner “semblance” of prayer too. I guess it goes both ways. Thanks for your patience and God bless.

Wish I could participate in this discussion. All my comments bounce back as “spam.” I guess I have been put into the National Catholic Register’s own personal “cry room”.

Evidently very brief comments of mine are acceptable, but comments of more than 150? or 200? characters are rejected as spam. Bummer!

What a wonderful article!!!  I always feel bad for the ones with rambunctious kids because I remember when ours would act up sometimes.  They are now 18 and 21 so I am past that.  But I would much rather help to distract a young one than to look disapprovingly at them.  The parents are trying to do what is right by bringing them to Mass.  They will learn in time how to behave, and we need to be patient while they learn.

The bottomline, IMO, is that, as baptized members of the Church, children have every right to be present at Mass (and not simply tucked away in a cry room) as anyone other baptized member - distractions are irrelevant. Just as it would be if you were attending Mass with someone with Tourettes Syndrome or Parkinson’s Disease.  Removing a child who is screaming and crying during Mass, should be done, not because they are distracting, but due to the reason BEHIND their distracting outburst (need to eat, diaper change, tired, overstimulated, etc…) which cannot be adequately addressed from the pew. *That being said, I think Jack Hughes inadvertently addresses an interesting issue.  I admit, in attempting to wrangle my 5 children at Mass, my two year old has escaped out the pew and darted down the center aisle. I, for one, have been grateful to our parish community, in which someone has had the presence of mind to scoop him up and help wrangle him. When we function as a parish community we should all be working to help teach our young children how to behave at Mass. Yes, it is the parent’s primary responsibility, but some days are harder than others.  If you ask me, this was Mr. Warner’s primary point: instead of being critical of young children, their outbursts, and their parents’ immediate inability to maintain control, try to be encouraging, friendly, and helpful to those who need the help.  And for those of you, *SUE, who either had PERFECT children at Mass 100% of the time or were, themselves, PERFECT children 100% - consider yourself blessed. And instead of being overly critically, perhaps you should share your wealth of information with those of us who do struggle with less than PERFECT children.
I am a 33-year old SAHomeschoolingMom (former ECE educator) with 5 children, ages 6mths through 10 years.

this is what nursery if for

When I was a pastor, I had a parishioner who sat in the back row and complained about the family with small children who sat almost in the back row, as far back as they could so they could take the children out when they were especially rowdy.

The back-seater was upset that the children were not perfect quiet angels, but frankly the parents did a good job of keeping respectful boundaries for their children…they were allowed to walk up and down their pew, but running and screaming would get them pulled out.

I suggested that the back-seater could sit up front, that the parents were doing their best to keep the children in church and still respect the community.  No can do. He wanted to sit in the back…God bless him.

I love this article even though I have no children of my own. It’s great when children are in church. They bring a life and enthusiasm that we can all learn from.

Mass strategies and other observations from the mother of 2; one with autism:

First, I had a deeply painful experience with this shortly after becoming a mother.  When my first daughter was 8 weeks old, I took her to daily mass.  It was the first time I had done this and having only been a mother for all of 8 weeks, I went toting all the things they could sell me at the baby store.  She slept through the mass but right at the very end began to stir.  Babies at this age are like egg timers, and she was about to wake up and go off.  This was in the Cathedral in Orange CA, which is huge, but I tried to quietly slip out the back.  At this point the priest saying the mass – ON HIS MICROPHONE – scolded me saying it was rude to leave mass early and asked if staying 5 minutes would really make a difference.  Everyone in the church turned and stared at me as I struggled to get my giant stroller and gear out the door before my newborn started screaming.  I was totally mortified since I was trying to be considerate.  I was deeply, deeply hurt by the action of this priest.  I felt like a horrible mother and a horrible Catholic.  And this was daily mass mind you, which I have not been back to since.

Since that time I have talked to numerous moms and a couple of priests and had a few attempts taking my kids to Sunday mass have the following strategies when attempting to go to mass with my kids. (For years I refused to try and take the kids to Sunday mass and my husband and I went separately.  This worked well.  I even looked up online at Catholic Answers that the child is not required to go until age 7 so as the time neared to have to take them, we had to rethink the strategy.)

#1 – Mass is not a kid friendly activity.  My kids are 6 and 4 and they find it boring.  But rather than just letting them color or play with toys I try to quietly teach them about what is going on.  I teach them why the time when the bells ring is important.  I point out the color of the vestments and what it means (my 4 year old loves clothes).  I tell them to be quiet after communion because people are praying, which means they are talking to God.  I try to quietly instruct them on the Mass and for the times they are bored to tears (figuratively speaking) I let them do their own activity.

JP said this and I love it: Children are our future and while they’re no more perfect than we are, they must be taught and to a point, tolerated in order to be taught.  And that’s my job as a mom at mass too.

#2 – Homily vs. Readings.  A priest pointed out to me there is a big difference for people, and the priest, to hear a crying child during the homily vs. during the readings.  If people are reading along in a book, it’s harder for them to be distracted by a crying child than when they are listening to a homily.  It’s also harder for the priest to keep his thoughts if the child cries during the homily vs. the readings.  So I treat any behaviors during the homily more seriously (and try and act faster) than during the readings.

#3 – Have an escape route.  Single people, people with no kids: please understand there is a REASON parents want to sit on the end of the row.  If my kids start to misbehave or need to go to the bathroom, I try to quietly slip in and out of the mass.  I once had a single man who insisted on sitting on the end of my row and then sat obliviously as I tried to get out the first time my kid started to cry.  He also refused to get up and so I had to try and crawl over him with my crying baby and a diaper bag.

#4 – Parents need the supplies.  In case you’re wondering why it takes several minutes to get a kid out the door sometimes it’s because you have to dig out the diaper, bottle, toy and do a kid hand off of the other child/children to the other parent before you can leave.

#5 – All kids are different.  I heard from a man who said he was autistic and that he could behave when he was in mass as a child.  With due respect,  none of us know what we were like at 2 years old, which I like to joke is a blessing.  My older one has autism and since those are a big part of my circles, I’ve seen a lot of kids with autism, ADHD and Asperger’s syndrome.  Some kids are going to do well and some will not – and we all have good days and bad days, whether we are on the spectrum or not. 
Bottom line: We have to give the parent the benefit of the doubt about how to handle their kids.  We don’t know their big picture.  And most parents I know work very hard to have successful outings for their kids and all the people around them.  All the planning in the world doesn’t work out the way we want it to sometimes.

First of all, I don’t think there’s anyone who has been posting about this, that doesn’t want children at Mass. To be clear, most just want the parents to step up and do something about a screaming child, or out of control child. Also, some love to use the “Let the children come to me” verse to justify the bad behavior of their children. Do you really think that verse means just allow ANY behavior at Mass, or to allow the child to be a major disruption? I don’t remember any screaming children at the Last Supper. My parish has no Cry Room. But temporarily removing the screaming child works.

I went to a K-8 catholic grade schools, and we had Mass once a week.  A few adults came regularly to our children’s Mass—they had to sit in the back.  If it was a holy day, more would come—Ash Wednesday was the biggie!
Teachers were responsible for their classes and we were behaved.  Of course, a few of the teachers weren’t catholic, but they fully participated although unable to partake the Eucharist.

I converted from a mainline Presbyterian church, and while I understand the Catholic and Lutheran view of “let the children come unto me” I see nothing wrong with a nursery, especially for the under-5’s!  The older pre-schoolers can learn a little about Jesus, and when they’re old enough they come to Mass.  What’s the point of expecting a 20 month old to “behave” in church?

Just my 2 cents.  And having had children myself, I don’t get worked up about any child noises, unless they’re shouting and climbing all over the pews at the same time. :)

I don’t understand the aversion to nurseries.  And cry-rooms don’t seem to work for the intended purpose, as some of the posters indicate.

Actually, it is much more frustrating to endure teens and adults (and surprisingly some pastors and music ministers) who seemingly never learned the appropriate behavior for the Mass.  There is a great need for the “sacred silence” that is being encouraged by the Vatican, and so ignored in many parishes.

That’s for sure, Stephen.  That’s one of my pet peeves, too.

Joe, back when we only had little kids, my husband worked 60 to 80 hours a week and that one hour on Sunday was literally the only time we could be guaranteed to be together as a family. Receiving the Holy Eucharist together with my husband is the most intimate experience we can have here on earth and it never failed to strengthen our sacramental union. God bless all the truly sweet parishioners and priests who never failed to reflect Christ to us - them most definitely made up for the folks that didn’t.

Oops - they, not them. Seriously, though, I am not sure if our marriage would have survived without Christ being at the center. Please don’t discourage couples from attending Mass together - you have no idea how hard a road they may be walking.

I noticed lots of little kid noise during Mass today, and to the parents I want to say I was happy and encouraged there were all those kids at Mass. I am not a parent.

I completely understand the importance of taking your children to mass and respect the parents that are able to do so.  Our family however is not able to do this.  In order for our family to attend mass, we must divide and conquer or we all leave mass upset and unfulfulled. Our children are 3,4,5 and 17.  We send our children to Catholic child care, elementary school and high school.  We are also highly involved in our parish community.  We would love to attend mass as a family, however someone inevitably spends the last 30 minutes of mass in the car with at least one screaming child. 

While many of you may be saying that this is due to lack of discipline or poor parenting, I would beg to differ.  All children are different and have different temperments.  All of our children are exceptionally independant and determined. Through consistent and loving discipline, and consistant expectations, we have been able to teach our oldest children to revere mass and respect those around us. This was not something we “taught” them, but that they learned when they were about 5 years old and able to understand what was going on around them.  What is wrong with providing younger children (pre Kindergarten) a training ground that goes on during mass?  Children could learn the expectations, learn to appreciate and enjoy mass AND their parents could actually hear a homily?  I love children in mass, but not if it causes the child to dread or dislike mass.  We want mass to be a spiritual experience for all of God’s children regardless of their attention span.

Went to Mass today with our 4 grandchildren. Ranging from 8 years old to 3 weeks. We had all manner of disturbances going on. Used the crying room for a bit, wasn’t a big deal.  Was there grumpy people there? Quite possibly. Did we look around seeking approval and affirmation? No. Did people smile at us and our grandchildren? Yes. But most importantly we shared in the Body and Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. Maybe try to focus more on that and less on the people around you?

I come from a family of seven children. We attended mass faithfully. There is such a huge difference from the attitudes of parents now a days. Out of respect for everyone else in attendance, children should not be a distraction to those attending mass. Growing up, my parents would not accept anything other than reverent behavior. This was instilled in us since we were young. We always sat in the front pew, never had the need to use a “cry room”. Now, we have two children of our own and I am very proud to say that our children have never been a distraction. They are not jumping on pews. They are not running up and down the aisles. They are not playing with the holy water. They are not bouncing a ball in the church. They are not jumping around. It’s common courtesy. Mass is not playtime, the church is not a playground. Please parents, teach your children to be reverent. If nowhere else, then at least in mass.

When I raised my little ones my favorite part of the Mass was “Go in Peace!” It probably was the favorite part for everyone around us, too.

Patricia,
I think the point you may have missed is that most of us parents of small children ARE teaching our children about reverence and DO attempt to remove our children from the church if they become disruptive. The problem we’ve encountered is outright hostility even as we are proactive in disciplining our children. It is tremendously disheartening to have s woman with her OWN irreverent teen (no offense to teens) share with you how you ought to attend a different Mass than she because the action of removing a disobedient child is distracting to her.  From my simplistic understanding, it seems this article was encouraging the faithful to be more understanding and MERCIFUL with families that experienced a disruptive child, recognizing that it’s a BLESSING the children are present at Mass in the first place.

This a great article!! A couple of Sundays ago I went visiting another church…2 different masses…reg. Mass.. Where there were few children.. It was quiet and reverent.. Then the Hispanic Mass.. Where there were LOTS of noisy children.. And babies crying. I LOVED the Hispanic Mass even though I couldn’t understand a word!! It was Alive!! We could learn alot!!!

I’ve seen churches have daycare type of setups where parishioners volunteer to watch children during the services in another area of the church or in the school. Granted these are usually bigger churches. I haven’t seen this too much in the catholic church, but it seems like a good idea esp for really tiny or little ones that aren’t irreverent, they just need to cry and be little.

I know parents who struggle with bringing the little ones to mass because they can’t pay attention themselves, so they opt to stay at home until the kids get bigger. I think they really are good, solid catholics and do teach reverence to their children. I think having help from other parishoners during mass could be a good solution. But at the same time, I think our society not only in churches is developing an attitude of self and low children tolerance. Maybe we do need to learn how to pay attention harder,  I don’t know, I don’t have kids, but I see the struggles.

@Mary Scott: God bless you! At 86 years old, I am thrilled to see you online and would take your advice over anyone’s! To your good health!

I’m an aunt, and my nieces and nephews mean the world to me.  They’re all little angels, of COURSE!!  (grin)  But I’m not a parent, and I’ll admit I sometimes don’t have a lot of patience when other people’s kids are being less than angelic.  Now and then, though, my guardian angel helps me put things in perspective…

I was sitting in Mass, meditating on a past experience that had troubled me for years—reflecting on a time when someone I cared about treated me badly when I needed her support. The thought that was going around in my head, that I was trying to understand, was this: “Why did she treat me that way?  What was she thinking???”  And just then, from several pews away, came the voice of a rambunctious little girl, who cried out “Look at me!!  Look at me!!!” 

It’s hard for me to describe way I felt at that moment.  The short answer is that I realized two things: One, that was EXACTLY what that person was thinking at that time.  It wasn’t about me and how badly she had hurt me.  She was thinking about herself, not me.  I needed her, but just like a rowdy child, she was focused on herself, not on me.  And there’s nothing I could have done to change that. (I’ll stop the psychoanalysis there…) 

But the second thing I realized, and the one that’s more relevant to this discussion, is this:  WOW, but God works in mysterious ways, doesn’t he?  The embarrassed parents of that rowdy child, the disturbed people around us, and even that lively child herself, never knew it… but at that moment, God used a rowdy child to bring comfort and healing to someone who was hurting and sad. 

How great thou art!

My church does not even have a cry room.  We have been told that if our kids,make any noise at all to go stand in the vestibule, but there are,no seats out there.  Lucky my three year old is normally well behaved during mass!

Here’s an idea, how about you don’t tell me what to think? How about the idea that people can think whatever they damn well please, and are free to be annoyed as much as they want.

In my parish, there are a lot of young families with kids. I don’t know what they do, but there’s never a peep out of them. I’ve never seen badly behaved children at Mass, or anywhere else, that weren’t being allowed to be badly behaved by the adults in charge of them.

So, instead of telling everyone what we “should think” of noisy kids in church, how about you offer some advice to parents to toss the idea that kids need to be allowed to “express themselves” in any and all circumstances.

What a great article!  I read an article written by a mother who had three children.  She says that if you do some basic training at an early age it gets much easier to bring your young one’s to Mass. For example, when you enter the pew you sit down with your child sitting next to you. When the child starts fidgeting, ie standing, etc. you place the child in your lap and advise him that if he sits still he can sit ‘on his own’ like the older children, but until then he’s stuck on her lap, if he continues to fidget, and cause noise issues you walk out of the Mass to the back of the room until he quiets down, but then you must return so the child doesn’t think he can get out of attending the Mass by causing a scene.  Keep doing this ‘lap’ training until the child accepts that he’s not going to get his own way, and over time he WILL sit quietly.  Be patient, and don’t get discouraged. :)  Hope this helps.  J

One more thing to help children at Mass.  Always sit up front where they can see what’s going on, and you can explain to them what is happening. They will be less bored, and more attentive.  Also, pick up a child’s copy of the depiction of the Mass where there are lots of pictures to help them understand better. :)  J

Not to mention that’s indicative of another Catholic that chose Life

Great point Ja9 :-) We always sat up front, and the 3yo proclaiming “Look - epiclesis!” would be sure to garner me a few parenting points ;-) Knowing what is going on at the altar really helps them be focused. We would spend some time after daily Mass looking at the various things that drew their interest and learning vocabulary. Another thing we would do early on when the oldest was 4, was to adopt grandparents at Mass. There were several older couples who absolutely loved having one of the kids sit with them leaving me to keep the babe in the sling happy. Child care was never an option - none of the kids would have been content to seperate at a young age.

At our Latin masses, we have families with 5, 6 or 10 children.  These kids are so well disciplined that you rarely hear a sound from them.  We have a crying room, but it is used sparingly.  We have about 700 families.  We have one family whose grandparents have 75 grandchildren.

THANK YOU for this article.

As a new mother with a 7 month old, my husband and I stopped attending our parish after several negative experiences. We once watched a friend of ours- a mom with two small children get escorted out of mass by the usher because her toddler was making noise. The child was NOT screaming or crying, the child was mearly babbling and smiling. I was horrified, and embarrassed for my dear friend who is a wonderful mother who was trying to juggle both her sweet kids at mass by herself (her husband was traveling).

After some dirty looks (particularly from older parishoners) as soon as my baby started squirming and making noises, we decided to attend another parish. Our child is very mild-mannered and we bring a bottle and soft quiet toys for her to be distracted. But, we didn’t feel welcomed anymore (and with no cry room we were spending our masses in the vestibule of the Church. We might as well been standing in parking lot, so we left). You know its bad when you dread attending mass because you know you’ll just be standing in the back the entire time and not hearing/seeing anything.

Our new parish also has a cry room which we utilize if our daughter is having a rough day, but we only default to it because my husband and I can’t hear much if we sit in there (like most cry rooms).

Anyway, I really appreciate this article as it hits close to home recently. My husband and I hope to have many more children one day and pray to have a parish community that supports us and our children. As all parents pray and hope, we desire to raise Saints, and we need the Eucharist to be the Center of our family life.

I think older parishioners who have already raised children can be a support system to us young parents. Instead of a snarl, a soft smile and a helping hand could speak volumes.  Say a prayer for us, too :)

Right on!  I can’t tell you how often over the years people told us how well-behaved our 8 children were at Mass. If Mass is important to the parents, it will be important to the children.  Going to Mass faithfully from the time they’re in the womb truly makes a difference!

I can forgive Jack Hughes for not knowing how inappropriate it is to touch another person’s child ... he has his own disability.  Still, it is common knowledge by now that children are NOT public property and you can’t lay hands on someone else’s child any more than you could do it to an adult.  Both are considered assault.
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There are a lot of people who think that if only I were stricter, my son would behave in church.  First off, I don’t believe it.  He’s two and does not have the capacity to sit still and quiet for a solid hour.  But second off, I don’t want church to be a place where he tries to be a normal kid and gets hauled out and spanked for it.  I want it to be a place where he loves to go.  So we do allow some behavior others wouldn’t—playing with the missalettes, sitting on the kneeler, a little whispering or playing with a quiet toy—and we pop in and out of the vestibule a lot.  I’m sorry if you can’t handle that level of distraction, but I think it is reasonable to expect.
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I’m one of those kids who got hauled out and spanked in the middle of Mass quite frequently.  The whole way out I would howl, “I’ll be good!  I’ll be good!  Please don’t hit me!  Pleeeeeease!”  I’m sure everyone there thought my parents were child abusers.  My poor parents.  No matter what style of discipline you practice, sometimes your kids will be loud or misbehave, and somewhere, someone will always think you’re doing it wrong and if you ONLY did it their way, your child would not be misbehaving.  That’s not true.  Our kids are always a work in progress.
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We drive an extra half hour just to attend a church where we don’t get nasty looks.  I wish people would remember the promise they made at my child’s (and every child’s) baptism to welcome them into the Church and support their parents as they educate them.  A lot of people seem to have forgotten.

Amen!

Great article!

What a wonderful message. As a Christian physician, pastor’s wife, and mother of three, I couldn’t agree more! Children who make themselves heard at Church remind me that Jesus came as an infant to lead the way for us. He also pointed to little children as those who already possess the kingdom of God. And He assured us that, when we welcome them, we welcome Him.

Praise God for “the little children.”
Dr Mari
Dr Mari’s Faith Stop

Anglican perspective here. My family was basically run off from the parish we’d been at since my conversion in college because some old biddies and the rector couldn’t handle hearing my 2yr old son shouting “Amen!” at sometimes inappropriate moments during Mass. We transferred to the parish my husband grew up in and were welcomed with open arms. When my son escaped me (I was pregnant at the time and couldn’t run very fast.) And ran up to the altar during the homily, an acolyte scooped him up and handed him back.

After the service one parishioner informed me that at least he ran in the right direction. I am so happy we’re here now.

And people at my old parish wonder why there are no young people at church.

I love this piece!  I once heard an older woman complaining about children in Mass, and while many of the comments here make excellent points about when some noise/behavior is less acceptable (prolonged shrieks, electronic toys, jingly keys, running around unchecked, etc.), it saddens my heart to hear that some people don’t want children in church.  I come from a family of 8 children, and I know we weren’t perfect, but the solution was never to stop going or put us in the cry room—we were there every Sunday in our pew and every week, the children got a little better.  Kids learn from repeated exposure and seeing appropriate behavior.  They cannot and will not be perfect all the time, but if adults throw their hands up in the air and give up, children will never have the opportunity to do it right.

Has anybody mentioned that families can ask for help?  From my reading os the comments, there are many people in a typical parish who would be happy to help these young families during Mass.  We are a Christian community, right?  I have a friend who is a young mom of twins that are ages 9 months.  She and her husband take turns being extraordinary ministers of Holy Communion.  She always calls and asks me if I will be at the Mass that they will be attending so my children and I can help with her babies.  We love it because our kids are older.  If her parents lived here, she would call them.  But they don’t, so she reaches out.  I hope she continues as the babies get rowdier, as I am sure they will because they are both boys!  Divide and conquer, I say!  My husband and I always split up the trouble makers in our family - they never got to sit together if I could help it.

Has any one given a thought for a Mass for children? In my parish the 11:00Hr Mass is full of noisy little angels full of curiosity from the diaper stage to the youth organization that plans and helps with the music and singing. The sermon is directed at them at a level they can understand and although the Mass does not change in any way they do take part but for that you need some one who does not look at childhood as something to get over as quickly as possible. Priest and adults please note. And by the way, I live in a Spanish provincial city and we are not the only parish that do this.

I haven’t read all of the comments, but I have to say that I am tired of accommodating everyone…no matter what.  My life is very hard.  Is it too much to ask that for one hour, once a week, I can have some peace and quiet?  That is all some of us want.  It has nothing to do with your children and everything to do with common courtesy and consideration, both of which are lacking in the not so wonderful world of the year 2012.

Matt, your article is great!  I just have to jump in and add my 2 cents.

As a pregnant mother of a “strong-willed” 3 yr old and a 9 month old, just getting to Mass is a challenge.  Add to that the fact that my husband is NOT Catholic and the challenge factor ups again.  It is very important to us that we attend church AS A FAMILY, but that can be really hard.  However, we DO it.  For those of you who keep pointing out that “Mass is only 1 hour long,” yes, it is.  However, those Cheerios might be the only breakfast we have managed to get the 3 yr old to eat all morning and the only reason we actually made it to Mass today.  And, at the moment, if she tells us she needs to go potty, you can bet your bottom dollar that we will rush her to the bathroom.  Period.

Also, for those of you who suggest that the families who leave the Church because of nasty looks, etc, aren’t really a great loss because obviously their faith is shallow anyway, DUH!  That is the point!  How can we expect their (or our!) children to have deep faith if they don’t come to Mass.  And shouldn’t we be encouraging them to stay and deepen their faith, rather than saying good riddance?  Also, let’s face it.  If the priest, who is supposed to be the representative of Christ at Mass, is utterly intolerant of children at Mass, how does that present Christ, and His Church, in any kind of a favorable light?  Yes, in a perfect world people would see the Eucharist and stick to it no matter what.  However, we are a Church of humans.  And humans aren’t perfect.  So it sure helps those of us struggling to do our best for our children if people at least don’t make snide remarks about and/or to us.

For the rest of the parents out there, here are a few words of wisdom from those that have survived that I keep reminding myself of on particularly hard days.  My grandmother told my mother once that you may not feel you are getting much out of Mass when you have young children, but you will have many years later to be prayerful and fully focused.  Your job is different right now.  And the older woman who often ushers at the Masses we attend once reminded me, as I was particularly frustrated with the toddler, that it really won’t be that long before they are all grown up.  Just hang with it!

Also, because apparently I haven’t spouted enough, if you are looking for an hour of peace and quiet once a week, Mass is not that place.  Not if you are properly participating.  Maybe you should sign up for adoration in the middle of the night.  Or nap time.  I can gaurantee that there won’t be any children, or anyone else, there to bother you.

Anon777, I’m sorry your life is so hard and you judge that you are having to accomodate everyone around you. Maybe a Holy Hour would be a good option for you. Please bear in mind that children who are behaving like normal children are NOT sinning - in fact, before the age of reason, they cannot sin. Gosh, I wish all of us could be sinless when we present ourselves at Holy Mass!

Barefoot Mom, please point out where I said that children are sinning?  Maybe you should invest in a pair of socks for yourself…might help your reading comprehension.
Common courtesy and consideration on the part of the parents is all that is being asked.  I really do like to hear sermons and not have to strain to do so because a child is screaming in my ear.

I thought cry rooms were supposed to be for nursing mothers originally and the kids acting up at Mass just need more discipline??? My two cents

As evidenced by some of the “comments” here, one wonders where the real problems come from at Mass, or even in the parish at large:  the kids…or the adults?!?

I kind of knew that this discussion would get a little heated, as there are people who have strong feelings on both sides of the issue.  When my kids were babies, we quieted them when we could and took them out to quieten down/have their needs met when it became obvious they weren’t going to calm down quickly and they were loud enough to disturb others.  When they were older (5-6 years) they were expected to sit quietly and behave.  If they were loud at this age, they were told to stop and further infractions meant discipline (usually a spanking). This is about being considerate of others.

It always amazes me when parents send their kids to school and then wonder why they get in trouble for class disruption when they have been disruptive without consequences in church all their lives.  Kids will do what they’re expected to do if you’re firm, fair and consistent with them.  Babies will do what they want, because they’re babies.  Either way, it is the responsibility of the parents to make sure their offspring’s behavior doesn’t infringe on the worship of others.

The crying of a baby is one of the most irritating sounds known to man—that’s why army psychological operations teams use crying baby sounds played over a loudspeaker to harass the enemy.  It is really hard to worship with that kind of sound coming from the next pew.

Sullibe,  Please forgive me if I made it sound as though my children were perfect. There was not an angel in the bunch and I was hardly a perfect mother but since you asked me to share some of my ‘wealth of information’ I will share something that I found to work for me. How are you and your family dressing for Mass?  The importance or specialness of an occasion is conveyed to children by…their parents, how they dress, act, etc.  There’s no way children understand how special Mass is just by going. Are you dressed as if you’re going to a ballgame or the park? Got all the snacks and drinks and games like you do when you’re going to a ballgame or the park? Then why would your children not behave as though they are at a ballgame or the park, albeit a very disappointing one in their eyes? On Saturday nights before their baths, my children were sitting all together on newspaper in the kitchen polishing their Sunday shoes for Mass the next day, a ritual that continued even when they came home from college. They love those memories.  They wore little dress pants, dress shirts and ties with their shiny shoes to Mass. Most of these purchased at local thrift stores. When they made their First Communion, they got a suit jacket (a little rite of passage and a big deal in their eyes) and they would wear suit jackets from then on. The day and the hour and even the building we were going to was the most special day, hour and building we were going to all week and they knew that by how special we dressed for that special hour of that special day in that special building. That’s just one thing that worked for me and I needed all the help I could get as I was the only adult. Thank you for asking, those are pleasant memories. 
I would like to say that not all old people are crabby and giving mean looks, even if they look like they are.  After being asked many times “Are you mad?” and replying in all sincerity “No, why would I be mad?”, I’ve come to realize I just have a mad look even though I consider myself a jolly person. Wish I didn’t, but I hope that helps to not take facial expressions too seriously.

Dittos to Fr. Stravinskas!  What he said.

I think both sides of the “unruly kids at mass” discussion need a reality check. I recently started bringing the kids to mass (unwillingly at first) but I am lucky to have an excellent children’s mass.

To those who can’t control their kids at mass: Control them. Mass can be a way to teach kids that they can’t run wild everywhere they go.

And if you can’t control your kids, then use that great big crying room called “outside”. Seriously, I don’t know how many people I’ve seen struggling in the pews with a child who’s obviously lost it—for what? Take child out of the church.

To those who look askance at unruly children at mass: I live in the archdiocese of Boston. 83% of Catholics in our archdiocese don’t go to Sunday mass. We’ve closed 104 churches since 1994. From 2000-2009 the archdiocese lost over 80,000 regular weekend mass goers. 40% of our churches operate at a loss because they don’t get enough in weekly donations to cover their operating costs.

For those of you who don’t like kids (unruly or otherwise) at mass: Go right ahead and keep sneering…and enjoy closing churches and having to run the embarrasing “Catholics Come Home” program to beg people to come back to mass.

Recenlty, I was sitting with my two children (3.5 and 18 months) at the back of Holy Cross Cathedral in Boston. My kids had been misbehaving and I’d taken them to the back to cool off. As the closing procession came by, an elderly priest made a point to pause and thank me for brining my kids to mass.

Amazing: A Catholic (A priest, no less!) who gets it!

Do not agree with any of how that is contextualized.  In one sense yes and in another sense no.  We do not act or allow others, children or otherwise, to act out in public and to be on there best behavior.  Love is not rude.  Yes, we celebrate kids and their noises and all and yes we need to respect others who are trying to listen and who is speaking and so forth.

Thanks for the article! As a mom of 6 under 10, I appreciate it. For the record, when you see parents with lots of kids there, please know that it took a LOT of work just to get there. Also, and there may be exceptions, but these are families FAITHFUL to the teaching of the church, and it’s the rare case that doesn’t try to teach their children to behave in Mass. It’s difficult to live in a culture where having more than 2 or 3 kids is considered weird, so would it be too much to ask that at least in the Church that teaches openness to life, people would be understanding? Mass should be at least one place where people don’t ask “Are they all yours?!” I think it’s great to take a disruptive child out, but who’s going to watch the rest of my kids? Do I make a huge scene and take the whole row out with me, or just take a chance that the 9, 7, 6, 4, and 2 year olds behave perfectly so my fussy infant won’t bother anyone? Yes, it would be great if parents take turns, but what about single parents, or families where only 1 parent is Catholic and it’s a fight just to get to take the kids to Mass, or families where the husband’s (or wife’s) work schedule doesn’t allow them to go, or the military wife who has enough struggles with her husband being gone w/o having to worry about people giving her the evil eye when 1 kid makes a noise? So many, many factors to consider. We don’t allow eating in Mass, although sometimes I’ve longed to use food as a distraction. The only reason we don’t is that we are trying to train them to have proper respect. I can’t simultaneously train all 6 (my lap is NOT that big!) at once, so there may be 2 on my lap while the others are around me. Some people seem to forget that children have free wills, just as we do, and that even though I’ve trained them, they may still disobey. God bless all those wonderful parishoners who have come to ask if I’d like help and sat with me, or the people behind who have offered to hold one of the littles, or the sweet elderly ladies who have shared a pew and scoot over to hold hands or otherwise try to distract a child. Leaving Mass in tears because the children (or just 1 of them) wouldn’t behave and someone made a rude comment is a horrible way to spend the Lord’s Day. Those of us with kids may or may not distract those around us, but I get distracted by people who loudly sing off key, or still can’t seem to remember the new Mass translation, or the teenager with pants that are way too low or too tight, etc. My focus on those distractions is MY shortcoming, and if I continue to let it irritate me, my sin. I try to teach my children not to distract those around them so that all can focus on Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. I can’t teach that to the people around me who may be just as distracting in their own ways, but heaven forbids that I judge them for it.

Oh for cryin’ out loud.
Apparently no one feels welcome at Mass.

Single people who are ignored by parishioners don’t feel welcomed in a church that is all about families.
Divorced people who worry everyone is judging them in church, don’t feel welcomed in a church that is all about families.
Infertile couples struggling to have kids don’t feel welcomed in a church that is all about families.
and now families don’t feel welcomed in the church?!??!?!

Well, we really are doomed.

Thanks for the article! As a mom of 6 under 10, I appreciate it. For the record, when you see parents with lots of kids there, please know that it took a LOT of work just to get there. Also, and there may be exceptions, but these are families FAITHFUL to the teaching of the church, and it’s the rare case that doesn’t try to teach their children to behave in Mass. It’s difficult to live in a culture where having more than 2 or 3 kids is considered weird, so would it be too much to ask that at least in the Church that teaches openness to life, people would be understanding? Mass should be at least one place where people don’t ask “Are they all yours?!” I think it’s great to take a disruptive child out, but who’s going to watch the rest of my kids? Do I make a huge scene and take the whole row out with me, or just take a chance that the 9, 7, 6, 4, and 2 year olds behave perfectly so my fussy infant won’t bother anyone? Yes, it would be great if parents take turns, but what about single parents, or families where only 1 parent is Catholic and it’s a fight just to get to take the kids to Mass, or families where the husband’s (or wife’s) work schedule doesn’t allow them to go, or the military wife who has enough struggles with her husband being gone w/o having to worry about people giving her the evil eye when 1 kid makes a noise? So many, many factors to consider. We don’t allow eating in Mass, although sometimes I’ve longed to use food as a distraction. The only reason we don’t is that we are trying to train them to have proper respect. I can’t simultaneously train all 6 (my lap is NOT that big!) at once, so there may be 2 on my lap while the others are around me. Some people seem to forget that children have free wills, just as we do, and that even though I’ve trained them, they may still disobey. God bless all those wonderful parishoners who have come to ask if I’d like help and sat with me, or the people behind who have offered to hold one of the littles, or the sweet elderly ladies who have shared a pew and scoot over to hold hands or otherwise try to distract a child. Leaving Mass in tears because the children (or just 1 of them) wouldn’t behave and someone made a rude comment is a horrible way to spend the Lord’s Day, but just one heaven-sent person who cared enough to come help makes me smile the whole week. Those of us with kids may or may not distract those around us, but I get distracted by people who loudly sing off key, or still can’t seem to remember the new Mass translation, or the teenager with pants that are way too low or too tight, etc. My focus on those distractions is MY shortcoming, and if I continue to let it irritate me, my sin. I try to teach my children not to distract those around them so that all can focus on Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. I can’t teach that to the people around me who may be just as distracting in their own ways, but heaven forbids that I judge them for it.

I have some questions for parents: if you think your child might get rambunctious at some point in the Mass, why do you sit in the front pew? Why do 9 to 12 year olds all have to go to the bathroom when the sermon starts? No one expects a baby-free Mass at the 11 a.m., so why do you drag your toddler out at 6:30 in the morning(yes,the old fogey Mass)? And if you don’t have a decent concern for the sensibilities of the people in the pews around you, how about some respect for the priests, lectors, and musicians who work very hard to bring you the Word?

I think maybe all those who are bothered by the childish behavior need to go into the ” quiet room.”  The cry room needs to be re-named.

Sometimes adults are a problem.  We once attended Mass at a church where my dh sat up front with our 2yo daughter and I sat at the back with our 3yo son.  The kids were too noisy together.

As Mass progressed I could hear my daughter chattering away.  Then two adults behind me started in “Who is that child?  Why isn’t she being kept quiet?”  On and on they went. 
I managed to bite my tongue.  What I wanted to say was this: “She’s two years old.  What’s YOUR excuse?”

We did not go back to that parish, which closed about a year later anyway.

Sue:
Yes, we have had 17 foster children. Most have had ADD and ADHD, due to abuse. Two were developmentally disabled and one is also cognitively disabled. Most have had unspeakable types of abuse happen to them before they came into our care.
We have given the foster kids options as to going to Mass:
Either say you’re going to Mass or, if you are not going to Mass, tell me on Saturday, so that I can make other arrangements to go to Mass on the weekday (Ohio JFS says you cannot force or coerce FKs to attend religious services). There have been times where FKs have misbehaved in church, so I have had to take them out of church. There have been times where FKs have said that they will go to church and, once we get to church, decide they don’t want to go to church.
Trying to have a kid with ADD or ADHD or who is DD to behave in church is almost impossible. One cannot say, ‘behave’ and they will magically behave. Just doesn’t happen. Their brains are scrambled and even if they want to behave, sometimes it just doesn’t happen.
Roc - Because their bladders aren’t fully developed. And it’s not that we parents ‘don’t have a decent concern for the sensibilities of the people around them or the for the ushers, etc.’ It’s that they go to the early Mass because the early Mass isn’t as attended as the later Masses. Find a parish where there are no children so that you and Jesus can be alone - that parish will be dead in 10 years.

No kids at Mass = empty churches in 10 years

As a priest of nearly 16 years, I can say I have never liked the idea of “cry rooms.”  We converted the “cry room” into a chapel for weekday Mass less than a year into my present pastorate of 7-plus years. Thick drapes were installed on the windows separating the room from the rest of the church building.  The speaker in the ceiling was faulty anyway, so we first disabled it.  Then when the parish purchased a new sound system a few years ago, the system was not routed into that room.  That doesn’t stop people from going into the chapel, forcing open the drapes, rearranging the chairs, and in order to sit in a room where they can see but not hear the Mass.  I can see this from the sanctuary.  For a while we still had some families who went in there “automatically,” meaning from the moment they arrive at the church.  From what I observed some of these families have school-age children, even teenagers, as well as infants and toddlers. Those with older children, perhaps, were “cured” of seeing the chapel (cry room) as their regular pew when they dealt with the restlessness of these older children who were told to sit still for an hour or so with nothing but a silent view of the liturgical actions to occupy their minds. 

I can share two especially vivid memories of little bitty children at Mass that are precious to me.  One year, on the 5th Sunday of Lent, when Jesus’ miracle of raising Lazarus from the dead was proclaimed in the Gospel passage (John 11), I was illustrating in the homily how one could substitute one’s own name for Lazarus and could hear the Lord call us out of the stench of the death of sin.  I made eye contact with those in the assembly and called the person by name, “The Lord could be saying, Veronica, come out.  David, come out.  Philip, come out.  Karen, come out.”  And later, I reiterated that by saying, “No matter how far gone you think you are, remember Jesus is ready to call you by name and say…”  And simultaneously, a 2-year-old boy, in his mother’s arms toward the back, said, “Come out!” 

The other is of a 3-year-old girl toward the front, who said, loud enough for most to hear, during the Opening Prayer, “What’s that?”  To which her mother whispered, “That’s Father’s prayer book.”  The 3-year-old completed the description of “Father’s prayer book” for all to hear, “It’s a BIG red book!”

As Jesus said, “Let the children come to me and never hinder them.”

Mike,  God bless you and your wife for being there for those children who need you and for trying so hard to share the love of our Lord with them.

I have grown children and grandchildren, and I LOVE to sit behind a family with young children at mass. I find children simple, beautiful, fun, heartwarming and full of life. It is the future of our church and I love to see them at mass. So…sit in front of me you lovely families with young children!

If you’re distracted by the noise of children, even if it’s for a moment RIGHT IN YOUR EAR, sorry but YOUR faith is shallow.

If you’re distracted by the noise of children, even if it’s for a moment RIGHT IN YOUR EAR, sorry but YOUR faith is shallow.

That’s rather a rash judgment, isn’t it?  Can you really think of NO OTHER REASON why noisy kids at Mass might drive a person nuts?  Or do you have the gift of reading souls?  I doubt you could even pick me out of a lineup.

The smell of the laundry detergent you used is distracting me. The color red is distracting me. There are an infinite number of distractions, not just the sounds of children. If I feel distracted and my attention turned away from the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, I pray to overcome this temptation, and this is a temptation. It is terrible to say parents who feel unwelcome have a shallow faith as did earlier commenters and if you’re rude to someone because you feel distracted, pray for the other person instead of hoping and glaring at them to go away. (Unless you’re perfect, of course.)

WOW. THat is extreme. To say your faith is shallow because of distractions is a very arrogant, self-righteous comment. Good job making us remember why we need Christ in our sin :) Confession is available for all!

Mike you have a chip on your shoulder. Sue kindly explained to you her experience of how she helped her sons concentrate in mass. If you wanna get on your high horse about raising foster kids and expecting the rest of the population to accommodate YOU, then DON’T volunteer to look after foster kids! I’m a mum of a 4 year old and 11 month old. My husband and I have done and continually do our best to ensure our kids know that church is about prayer reverence and worship. This must be instilled from very young. We sit at the back or on the end of pews. We stopped sitting in the crying room, because it’s unbelievably out of control and we hear nothing and our kids get more distracted and think that church is about playing. and it’s not. Kids are smart, they absorb how you want them to act if you are firm and consistent. When our daughter has had a melt down, which she did a dew Sunday’s ago, I took her outside. It’s my job to ensure my kids are a minimum distraction. And I am grateful at those around me that smile and are not judgmental. So yes, as a parent YOU are responsible for your kids behavior! Even if they are foster kids.

When my son was little, I was constantly a wreck trying to get him to behave in church - he’d crawl around, play with the “clippy thing” on the pew in front of him, up and down off the kneeler - and God forbid I try and get him to be quiet - a nudge and a shush! got “WHAAAAATTTT!!!??” as a response… finally I told him we were sitting in the very last row, over on the side, with the wall behind us, since he couldn’t behave and not bother people. After about a month of this he very meekly asked if we could sit closer so he could see better. Anyway, a few years later, when he was a teenager, he started refusing to come with me. One morning, sitting there by myself, a young mother was struggling to get her absolutely adorable toddler quiet in the pew in front of me. I leaned forward and whispered to her that it was “ok, he’s not bothering anyone, it’s good to see him here!” - and the smile she flashed at me was wonderful. I deeply regret nagging my son the way I did and wish I could have just relaxed and let him enjoy Mass and come to love it in his own way, and his own time. But I was young and stupid. And now I pray daily to St. Monica to bring my son home.

It seems that many comments are assuming that Mr. Warner is referring to the older children, 3yrs+, and that no one seems to have a problem with babies. This simply is not true. As a mother with a 12month old, I have witnessed parishioners and priests give glares and dirty looks and even speak harsh words against babies. And I’m not talking about harsh words against a crying fit, I’m talking about the cute babbling, funny noises, etc that randomly pop-up and cannot be controlled. If I were to leave the chapel any time that my baby made a noise, I might as well celebrate Mass in another room da sola. And that is what many want. This is very uncharitable. Not just because you are thinking unpleasant thoughts and having unpleasant actions during the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, but also because you are robbing me and my baby of those unimaginable graces that you receive from being in the physical presence of Christ. Plus, it is so hard to pay attention to Mass when you are off in another room (our church does not have a cry room). Would you banish our Blessed Mother and baby Jesus to another room if He spoke out, babbled, etc?

Of course, as a mamma, I love the sound of my darling little one (sometimes). However, I also love to pay attention at Mass, so it is not like I enjoy my daughter distracting me, hubby, or anyone else. We all have our crosses, I as a mother and you as the poor victims of my garrulous toddler. Maybe Christ is teaching us patience? We should all meditate on the passion and death of Our Lord during Lent. Jesus hung on the cross for 3 hours after undergoing a passion so painful we will never begin to understand how much He loves us. He did this knowing that we would sin, including those mean things we’re thinking about those babies, children and their mamma’s during Mass. And we can’t even listen to a baby cry?

God bless you and may we all grow in holiness this Lent!

JustMe, thanks for your honesty. It’s always been my goal that my kids would love going to Holy Mass, and it wouldn’t be a place they dreaded. I know that mom must have really appreciated your kindness. For me, the way people acted around me would make the difference of night and day in my parenting. If they were rude and condescending, I really struggled to be a patient, loving mom. That doubt would flare up, “Maybe, they’re right.” It’s hard enough to live out the Catholic faith in society, Church should be a haven for young parents.  God’s peace be with you.

I’ve never known a priest who makes an issue of children at Mass but I can imagine ther are priests who don’t like kids and say really stupid hurtful things. I have had priests say really stupid and hurtful things to me. It’s part of the being human thing. They fail often, just like me. BUT the priests I have known and have seen at Mass LOVE children, tell them to sit up front if possible and talk around them when they scream, cry, talk etc. It would be great if all priests/parishes/everyone was kind and accomadating all the time. But that’s not the world God made for us. It’s messy, unfriendly, cruel (they did brutally kill our savior)harsh world. But also magnificient, kind, friendly, loving and beautiful because of our creator. Maybe we should all focus on THAT at Mass instead of the flaws of others?

I disagree with Father Stravinskas and other commenters that there is some sort of “right” to quiet peaceful worship. And I certainly disagree that such an imagined “right” trumps the right of families with young children to attend Mass at all unless they are blessed with a child who has above-age-level abilities to sit still and be quiet!
Yes, parents should try our hardest to teach our children the skills of sitting still and being quiet for a whole hour at Mass, and we should take them out if possible when they are loud enough to disrupt people more than a pew or two away and don’t respond to shushing. And it is so lovely when Grandmas and friendly neighbors help distract little ones when they are getting antsy. But beyond that, it isn’t the business of anyone else to judge whether or not our children are being “too noisy” to be in Mass. Please elcome and support young families instead of judging and chastising. Instead of glaring next time you hear a noisy baby at Mass, make a funny face or wave at them to calm them down.

When the disciples tried to shoo away noisy little ones because they were distracting the adults, Jesus rebuked them and told them to let the little ones come to him. Who are we to disagree with that?

We always bring/have brought our kids to Mass since they were with us (sinceI was prego). We “always” bring them. We purposefully sit near the front where we can see the priest, hear the priest and most importantly witness the sacrament close up since our church is enormous.  We most regularly go to the Latin sung Mass with Latin prayers happening midday (11:30/noon).  One important thing is not to bring toys or food, but limit that to before and after Mass.  I make sure I have some cheerios in my purse in case one of them goes nuts, and I gotta do the abrupt sprint to the entrance area. I also try to make sure they’re changed and have a drink prior to Mass….and yes…..pacifiers. Pacifiers are our trick when they are infants to 3 yrs…its sort of cheating.

Our kids were/are always expected to be as silent as they can, and not distract. In the past we have gotten up to bring them to the entrance part where they cannot distract or cry if they’re being rowdy or to simply calm down.  Case in point: it is the parents’ job to teach their children that they are not at a DAYCARE, when they are at Mass. Instead, parents need to be like teachers/coaches, and ask them to be silent, even if it means a disciplinary/loving spank or serious-be quiet face. after repeating it. Im sorry, but it truly is the parents who need to learn to do this eventhough they may not want this.  Simply not wanting to do this doesnt exempt you from encouraging, teachings, and disciplining the children to understand what is going on at Mass, what the Mass is, and why we are there. Eventually they will need to learn it, and it is the wisest and best way to do it when they are young and esp as a family.
I think it is (perfect) practice that makes perfect….soon enough, the little ones will by nature just try to be more quiet, more respectful, less jumpy and more patient. I have witnessed this happen with tons of families in our parish, and a few other parishes nearby.  I honestly dont like the parishes that have “designated Crying rooms” as if we are in some Church daycare center encouraging rowdyness at Mass.

Our own children, the 4 that we have now, have and are learning. They are all 5 and under. Our 3rd lived in the entrance area for a while until she finally learned to be better behaved, and now usually is with us sitting towards the front…so she has gotten Much Much better! : )

Micaela,
I had to tell you how much I loved your post! Such very practical advice. I especially liked this :
“Our 3rd lived in the entrance area for a while until she finally learned to be better behaved, and now usually is with us sitting towards the front…so she has gotten Much Much better!”

That’s exactly the experience we had. It takes sacrifice, it takes discipline but it’s amazing to me when I look around our Church and see all the children sitting so quietly and well behaved. We’ve had one little guy who’s Mom and Dad kept bringing him to Mass even though he often commented out loud on what was going on, cried in anger, flung his shoes around hitting Mom, Dad, and anyone else in the way. Mom and Dad went up and down the aisle Sunday after Sunday taking him to the entrance and then back again. And I saw them get a grumpy glance or two from others around them. But they didn’t let it stop them! They kept on doing what they knew was right for their child. And NOW he’s a little older (around 3) and he does so much better. God bless you and parents like you who are willing to sacrifice and put in the time! As our priest often says “Children are the future of the Catholic Church”

Matthew - nice try but obviously people would rather think about what wonderful parents they are and how they have managed to create amazingly well behaved children while those other parents are half wits who deserve to be condemned at Holy Mass. I suppose those are the perfect people who do not need to pray along with the Confiteor either.

What a timely article! This is exactly what I needed to read! Our grandchildren are wonderful to have in our pew at Mass each Sunday, and I hope that those around us feel as blessed to be near them as we do to get to hug them during Mass.  When our kids get occasional unkind comments from parishiners it really hurts their feelings because they are doing the best they can to parent and model for their children at church. I would much rather have them at Mass learning how to behave than home where it would be much easier for their parents to enjoy a quiet Sunday morning.

As the teacher of young children I will say that we teachers do not appreciate it very much when children come to school without any idea about behavior. Often, they have been exposed to an environment at home where the world revolves around them, with no regard for others. These parents leave it up to the school to do their parenting. That’s not our job.

This article is not about children’s behavior. It is about how adults act at Holy Mass and how they judge other adults and their children when we all have our very own sins to reflect upon.

Could we put the cranky, mean adults who attend in a separate room?  The ones (and yes they exist) who try to make a child cry on purpose so they can stand back and feel superior about our lousy parenting?  No, we cannot.  They are there for a reason too, perhaps so that the Holy Spirit can teach us to love them anyway.  The mass is sacred, Jesus wants us there, and the evil one will use anything to keep us away from it.  Even fellow parishioners, unknowingly.  So, pray for them, and ask for the grace to love them.  My child likes to dance through mass, so we sit in the back. Since a faithful priest and a nun have witnessed this and see no problem with it (I asked them), I don’t listen to you cranky people. I just try to love you anyway.

As the mother of 3 girls now in their late teens/early twenties, I can attest to how difficult “Mass training” can be at times. I was grateful to have the cry room to retreat to when they got unruly. Every Sunday we might have to make an exit for some “quiet time” but eventually they learned how to behave. It was a slow process and at times I had to endure sharp looks from elderly ladies but I felt we had the right to be there and no one was going to chase us away from our Church. The problem lies in people not guiding children to pay attention and explaining( before or after Mass)the proper behavior and WHY. My girls now know and appreciate the Mass and attend regularly at college. As parents, we are their first teachers and we must take that responsibility seriously.

Hi NCRegister—you can stop notifying me of comments now. Sorry—but this is the only way I can get the system to do it.  :))

With several children of my own I feel that I can comment here.  With my youngest, we travelled to Texas to visit relatives.  We were told that we were going to the Children’s Mass.  We awoke at 0300 hours to get to the airport and get on our plane.  Transfer in another city and finally arrive at our Texas loctaion. 12:30 hours we drive for 45 minutes until we reach my sister’s beautiful house.  We have some lunch and take a well deserved nap. 1600 hours, time for mass.  Load up the car and drive 30 minutes to a strange church where the only people we know are my sister and her husband.  1630, sit in church and listen to music. Three year old, enjoying his time.  1700 Mass starts.  Church is packed.  Three year old is hungry, get out the Cheerios.  1510, he is tired and bored.  Entertain/distract child. 1515, priest stops Mass and asks us to leave.  We leave and sit in the car until the end of Mass.

I only wonder how Jesus would have handled that had he been preaching at the time. 

Needless to say, we have declined many invitations to Texas since then.

Oh, and for the haters, he normally is a well behaved child.  I was tired and not expecting this whole event in church. Perhaps those there looked at me as a bad parent.  What I really needed was support from someone and perhaps directions to the children’s cry room.

I have a three-year-old and an almost five-year-old, and one good strategy I have found is for my husband to take my older daughter and for me to keep my younger daughter.  We are at the same Mass, but sitting in different places.  Yes, I know someone will complain that the family should all be sitting together for Mass, but you do what you’ve got to do.  The kids distract each other more than anything, and I get better behavior out of both of them if they are separated. 

This is our second parish since the girls were born.  My husband is the full-time parish music director at our current church and was at our previous parish before he was laid off for financial reasons.  We had a cry room in our previous parish, but not in our current one.  I disliked the cry room for all of the reasons that people mention above, and the priest (who was my husband’s boss!) actually complained that it was too distracting for me to take my daughter in and out of the cry room, since it was at the front of the church in a former sacristy.  So if I went, I had to stay, and I hated that.

So I really don’t mind that there is not a cry room in my current parish.  Of course, my three-year-old, who was always the main troublemaker, is getting older.  She’s still not perfect at Mass, but it’s only rarely that I have to take her out now, where it used to be that I dreaded Sunday Mass (which is a terrible thing to feel).  I sit in the back where the rest of the people who have kids sit, and make sure she at least doesn’t kick anyone or go through their purses, and no one seems too bothered.

Thank you! My parish has a cry room that is quite large, but I don’t think my baby belongs there. If she cries, we leave for the cry room, but otherwise we stay in the presence of Jesus in real life, as opposed to over the television screen! She’s never going to learn to behave at Mass if she doesn’t practice! We bring quiet toys and books, but only bring them out in the homily.

For some bizarre reason, our cry room is also the late room - people who are late to mass go in there, people who prefer padded chairs and not kneeling go in there. So it isn’t really a cry room.

People are usually delighted to see my baby! I am appalled at some of the reactions of other parishioners and priests (!).

Great article!  Thank you for building up the Body of Christ by encouraging young families to bring all of their members to Mass!  I wrote about my struggles with this as a young mother in my blog.  I received some fantastic advice from a friend (and mother of 4) when our almost two-year-old was acting up at Mass.  If any other young parents would like to hear my two cents on how to end the wrestling matches with your toddler at Mass, they can read my blog post at:  http://hallelujahismysong.blogspot.com/2012/01/taking-good-advice.html Since writing that post, we almost never have to leave the Church for time-outs, and our kiddos (ages 2 and 10 months) are content to be in the pew with us and the rest of the congregation.  Thanks again for sharing your words of encouragement!

Hi—how do I unsubscribe from this thread?  It’s a great discussion, but it could go on forever and I’m trying to unclutter my mailbox!  I keep getting follow-up comments….help, please! :))

I actually had to leave St Francis de Sales parish and find a new Catholic parish when during the teen mass on Sunday evening the youth leader told my husband to take my children out because his teenagers were being “distracted”.  I had taken my 3 year old son to the bathroom.  The worst part is my children were actually being angels- for the first time ever!! He didn’t seem to notice all his teenagers up on the altar with their but cheeks hanging out from their shorts and flip-flops (not exaggerating) as an issue.  Nor does he seem to take issue with them screaming their conversations in the aisles while the closing hem is taking place, some of them holding cake and brownies for their pizza party afterwards.  But, my 1 year old and 3 year old, who were being pretty decent are problems.  The worst part is the priest is such a joke, I am sure he never brough up how inappropriate this snob of a youth leader was behaving an the terrible example he continues to show these teens.

“Let the children come to me.  Do not stop them for the Kingdom of God is theirs.”

As a new mom, it’s difficult at times to keep the little one quiet during mass.  But my priest welcomes the babies and children.  He says that it’s okay that the babies cry or make noise, because it makes people turn towards the noise and realize that the family is alive and well in society and that new life is participating in the body of Christ.

I was knocked nearly unconscious by a child’s toy. Left immediately after communion so I could go home and take medication. ADULTS should be the ones in the “cry room”. As for me, I try to go to the mass with the least amount of children…usually the 4 pm mass.
If I have to kneel during the entire mass to avoid the kids behind me, so be it.

I can’t understand why some people feel cry rooms should be discouraged. I have four children, my youngest is 22 months.  Our parish has a large cry room - enought to seat at least 50 people.  We sit there every Sunday.  I prefer to celebrate the Mass with my family without the stress of worrying who I may be disturbing if my children act up a bit.  I do my best to teach them how to behave, but my youngest does eat Cheerios, drink water, color and read books.  I know from experience that by the time she is 3 or 4, she will be able to sit quietly and at that time we will sit with the congregation again.  The cry room has been a blessing for us.

I was never allowed to talk out loud in church, not in the Catholic Church, not in the Episcopalian parish. Don’t pray out loud, don’t even think about singing out loud.
And the adults are just as bad talking to each other before mass…sounds like an auditorium before a concert.

So here’s the question:  Why not leave babies and little children at home?  That’s how it was always done, traditionally.  Yes, for generation upon generation, Catholics recognized that we had an age of reason…for a reason!

Don’t believe me?  Then believe St. Therese who writes of remembering her earning the right to attend mass, when she was mature enough to do so.  Didn’t hurt her.  And I bet her parents didn’t have to hear absurd comments like “But Jesus said let the little children come to me!”  He wasn’t in the temple.  Neither was Our Lady; women weren’t allowed in the temple. 

Oh, and that old line about no babies at mass, no Church in the future?  I just disproved it. 

Sure, bring them if they behave, if you can discipline, but 1) don’t feel obligated to bring them; that’s NOT church teaching.  And 2) be truly charitable and realize that mass demands reverence, awe, a sense of majesty at the alter of our Lord…far more important than any imagined family time that may be nice to have, sometimes, but certainly is never a requirement of any Catholic family.

Hmm.. I wonder if CPS wouldn’t object to the dc left home alone ;-) Not to mention, according to some popes babies should be nursed at the mother’s breas unless it is impossible - I guess you might suggest that nursing mothers don’t attend Mass either? I don’t have servants or nannies for the dc. Saint Therese was likely instrumental in Heaven to having the age of FHC lowered. I work with 3 to 6 yo’s in religious formation - their awe and reverence is inspiring and I learn much more from them than they from me. They have a sense of wonder and insights that utterly amaze me.

As for women, Jesus’ treatment of them was radical. Influencial women brought their whole households into this new church - I daresay the did worship with the men and the children.

1950-1960 same Bible as today
1950-1960 reverence at Mass, no bathrooms, no cry rooms, and no food in Church,larger families the norm vs today.
2012   noisy Mass, gum on the floor, seats, torn and marked up hymnals, children run wild, food and drink for overweight (or soon to be) children. What happened?

@Hey, Lady

We bring our baby to Mass because she receives graces from being in the presence of the Lord in the Eucharist. Also, since she is baptised, she is a member of the Church and, as a member of the Church and Christ’s body, she attends Mass like the rest of His Church (ie, you and me). The example of Mary and Jesus not going into the temple does not necessarily apply to this situation since none of us (Catholics, here) are practising Jews from 2000+ years ago. There are different religions and different cultural expectations and practises at play here.

But if you are talking about the way things “used to be done,” what about baptism? In the early church baptism occurred when you were much older. Should we do that instead? I should think not! Also, to address your two points: 1)It is also not Church teaching (I’m guessing you mean “obligatory”) that we pray the rosary or attend Mass other than on Sunday, but we do these and are encouraged to do these. You know what is also not a requirement of any Catholic person? To like other people. But do you know what is a requirement of all Christians and Catholics? To love others. “Love is patient, love is kind.” 1Corinthians 13:4. And 2)just because you take your babies and children to Mass doesn’t mean that you aren’t charitable and realise that Mass demands reverence, awe, or a sense of majesty at the alter of the Lord. It sounds like you are passing judgement here on what is in the hearts and minds of others at Mass. I think we should all leave that to God, the only just Judge.

Plus, it’s not silly to say things like “But Jesus said let the children come to me!” because it is the truth, we should take what Christ said (says) seriously and apply it our every day lives, and this definitely applies here.

God bless you
eaf

I don’t know…I’m split on this.  I am so grateful for the large families and tons of little kids I see.  God bless those moms and dads who are living Catholic values, not the values of the predominant society.  On the other had, a sudden burst of screeching can really distract me and the volume is so loud I can’t believe it.  I never married and don’t have children, and am a grandmother’s age.  When the screeching begins, on my uncharitable days I think, “Why are you not quieting your child?  And why are your ambulatory children allowed to prance up and down the aisle during Mass, going, I suppose, to the bathroom.  To avoid the “boring” Mass?  This is NOT an arcade or bowling alley.”  But on my charitable days I think, “I wish they were mine!” and then I feel overwhelming joy.  I think I’ll stick with wishing they were mine…

Consider, when you see a family that has unruly children, it may be their first Sunday at mass in years. Maybe it’s the first time they’ve ever tried to take their children to mass because they’ve been so afraid of the judgement of the people around them. Give them time, and give their children time.  If it’s a family that you see regularly, and this seems to be an ongoing problem for them, offer to help! Trust me, they aren’t enjoying the situation any more than you are. When my husband was deployed in Afghanistan, I had to take all four boys to mass by myself every Sunday. When my two year old acted up once, someone offered to sit with my other three so I could take him out. I took her up on it instantly. Other people would offer to have one of my kids sit with their family to take some of the burden off me. I am so grateful for that! That is what the Body of Christ is supposed to do, instead of telling young children that they are an annoyance and don’t belong in mass. Nobody is advocating unruly children. We are only asking for patience and understanding as we see to their spiritual formation.

As a young mom with 2 babies under 2, it is intimidating to go to Church with our babies. We have been glared at and even shushed by other people during Mass. My son loves, loves, loves Church music, and has been known to yell out “Good song!” after the folk group has finished a selection. While my husband and I try not to giggle, we are embarrassed by the dirty looks given us by the elderly couple across the aisle. Our priests are both wonderful, and our Deacon almost always comes over to say hello after Mass because they enjoy seeing babies in Church. We have no “cry room” so that isn’t an option for us. We sit in the very back bench as close to the door as we can. I might add, it is the coldest bench during the winter and the hottest during the summer. I fainted once in Mass while I was pregnant with my daughter because it was so hot and the fans didn’t reach us, but we wanted to be close to the door so we could rush our son out if he made any noise, before we could be shushed. After that, I didn’t go to Mass until my daughter was born.

Matt, it looks like your blog entry struck a cord with all these comments!

Last Sunday, our little 19 month old Bernadette yelled: “Sheeshuzz!” in the middle of Mass as she pointed up at the crucifix… and a stay-at-home mother friend of ours in the pew (in front of us) turned her head around, smiled, and winked.

I pointed to my chest and mouthed: “She’s mine.”

That stay-at-home mother’s husband is our Marriage, Family, & Respect Life director for the diocese - and he has an awesome talk at the following link on Contraception and includes in that talk much of what you said.

http://onemoresoul.com/featured/why-contraception-matters.html

We’re new to the Church, have a very “enthusiastic” 2 year old, and use the nursery (available during one Mass on Sundays, so I don’t think our parish has the warehouse mentality toward children) and I appreciate that as an option. Our daughter loves the little liturgy they do for the children and the Bible stories and songs, and my husband and oldest son volunteer once a month. In short, whenever we drive past our parish she says, “That’s my church!” Sometimes she comes with us to Mass, and as she is older, of course she’ll participate fully. Right now she can be very loud at times and I don’t think it’s fair to subject others to her noise level, especially when she yells “HELLO!?” when she hears the bells. She is told to be quite and is removed when she maintains that noise level. And we do have older children who are well-behaved and participate in the Mass. I think it’s definitely a matter of temperment. We’ve had a mix of very chill and very crazy toddlers. We’ve found that disciplining the more “spirited” ones is a process. They don’t learn overnight!

As a new father of three adopted toddlers, I understand what you mean about exiling families to the cry room.  Certainly, we should approach such issues with a charitable soul, especially when it comes to infants.

However, I think that something ought to be said about the failure of parents to properly discipline their older children as well.  I cannot count the times when I’ve seen children who are old enough to know better drawing or talking or fighting with siblings at a time when they should be paying attention to the mystery at the altar.  The Mass is the center of our faith and I can’t help but think that by allowing such behavior to run unchecked, these parents are setting the kids up to hold nothing as sacred.

I have just one thing to say: Amen! Oh, and: Thank you.

My youngest of four is now 22 and I find I now have a high tolerance to children in church, however, when they were all young, there was a time when my husband and I would look at each other on the way home and ask ‘what was in the gospel? or what was in the homily?”  That was when we went to church in “shifts”. I went to mass by myself, came home, my husband went to church by himself….however…the parent left at home made the children sit in quiet time and it wasn’t long before they figured out that coming to church, being quiet and behaved, moving around a little (communion), sitting, kneeling and then singing…well all that was much better than sitting at home staring at each other in quiet time….twice!! while each parent went to church.

I’ll never forget the priest who said in response to the issue of hearing crying children during mass..“It’s good to hear the crys of these children because at least they are here. There are many whose crys we don’t hear because they aren’t here…which is better?”

Amen!  Thank you for your words of encouragement.  I think my two year old and I will attend mass tomorrow.  I feel buoyed up from a depth I wasn’t even aware I was in.

Don’t tell me I am suppose to smile at UNDISCIPLINED children. Last week I was interrupted THREE (3)times while on my knees in prayer. If children are too young to understand what is happening, they should be left at home.  Maybe Mom and Dad have to attend different services.  The mass is suppose to be a VERTICAL experience, communicating with our Lord, not a horizontal indifference to the occasion.  If the children are out of control now, just imagine the teen years.

I don’t recall Jesus telling children to stay away. If one feels that in their heart during Mass, perhaps they should refrain from communion.

I do wish parents would leave the hard toys at home. I know it helps to have something to distract a child (I used a rosary when my daughter was three, and see tossed several rows in front of us), but matchbox cars and hard plastic toys can make too much noise.

Short story of it all: My 4 kids have done better sitting up front. They’re allowed books and paper & pencil only while preschoolers, and that gets gradually moved back from being allowed to have it during readings to the homily, to the Eucharistic prayers, to finally leaving it at home. If they misbehaved, I took them to the side wall or back wall of the church. It was rare that I took them outside, as I didn’t want them to learn that misbehaving got them a free pass out of Mass, and staying home with their non-Catholic dad was not an option.
When I see a parent struggling with the kids at Mass, I lean over and tell them “keep bringing junior with you. Eventually things will work out for you.” And then I point to my 17 year old son who now ushers (after he, and his now-18 year old brother used to play “garden gnome” and sit in the bushes outside), and my 9 year old daughter who is an altar server. I just shake my head as I’m running down the side aisle in 4” heels trying to catch my 2 year old before she gets to the altar - again, on the day I was lectoring of all days.

Our church does not have a cry room.  What our church has is two VERY understanding priests.  The type of priests who come visit those little kids before mass starts.  The kind of priest who will giggle when the two year old decides to run up onto the altar (no matter how hard we tried she just would escape and dart) during the consecration.  The type of pastor who, when I tried to remove my screaming baby from the church during the consecration told me (did I mention this was during the consecration) not to go, that screaming children are always welcome.  This is the type of church that we need.  One with understanding priests and compassionate parishioners.  I don’t get the glances and snide comments, instead, I get the praise for how well behaved my 6, 8 and 10 year old are, and how cute the baby is.  She’s comfortable in the church, and that’s how our family likes it.

Many years ago, in the late 50’s, our Pastor stopped a couple taking their crying child out of church & told them to return to their pew.  He said the child was praying in his/her own way.  I still remember how beautiful that was.

Matthew is right in this piece.  The idea that some folks would get to decide when they can be inconvenienced—and by whom—is absurd.  No ONE gets to decide that.  It doesn’t work that way, even at Mass.  The fact that there are priests out there who never figure this out is really quite mysterious to me.  Yes, you somehow are expected to power through, and conquer yourself and your wavering attention span.  Just as that struggling mom of 6, Sadie, is somehow also supposed to do it.  With little sleep, or no husband in the pew to help, or whatever other challenges she is facing.

Both are just about impossible to do, and we—all of us—need all the help we can get.

But examine this question: isn’t it anti-life to put conditions on how people should behave at church?  “You can come to church IF—-”  “You can sit in the front pew IF—-”  Good grief. That is simply the opposite of the Gospel.  (Furthermore, that may just prevent people from coming to church.) 

For those who are having difficulty with their children, for those who have attention disorders, for those who can’t concentrate through the homily they prepared, there is only one response: “how can I help?”

I will never understand why more parents with young children don’t go to separate Masses. That way one could watch the small children at home while the other is at Mass. It is best for everyone.

Joseph, it saddens me to hear you say:  “I will never understand why more parents with young children don’t go to separate Masses. That way one could watch the small children at home while the other is at Mass. It is best for everyone.”.  Let us remember that taking our children to Mass is what teaches them.  It takes time for them to learn how they are expected to behave and if they are never taught they will never learn. Not to mention, that they, too, would be missing out on experiencing the love & presence of Jesus Christ as He is ‘literally and wholly present—body and blood, soul and divinity—under the appearances of bread and wine’. We have taken all five of our children to Mass since they were infants and we will continue to do so.  Our youngest is 2 and for a long time we have had to take him to the back when he was consistently ‘too loud’. But just over the last month he is LEARNING to sit quietly, whisper, sing loud when it’s time to sing, recite our prayers and responses on cue, kneel, pray and TRY to be patient for the 1 hour of Mass.  It is very rewarding to see this accomplishment.  I wish some people, that are so quick to judge, could see the patience it requires of parents AND the patience it requires of little ones to sit quietly for one whole hour.  And most importantly, I would like to quote Jesus in Mark 10:14-15, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”  GOD BLESS YOU!

PS.  And thank you Matthew Warner for your article and your support of parents who bring their children to Church!

Bottom line is we go to mass because Jesus’ true presence is there. We don’t go to mass because we want a moment of quiet or to feel good. So you not being able to listen to the priest or being distracted is no valid reason for members of the Church to not be allowed to attend mass. Parents shouldn’t let kids do w/e they want during mass obviously, but mass isn’t about the parishioners.

Two observations. One, we live in Germany (military family) and the on-post Catholic community is ALIVE with young families and young children. The choir of crying babies was a perfect harmony to the homily last Sunday and our pastor didn’t miss a beat. That’s why we need to keep praying for holy Priests, to keep and encourage these fine men to serve God under Holy Orders.

Two. My family mixes attendance at our village’s Catholic Parish. Our children go to the German school and we’re involved in our community. the Catholic Church is still a large part of everyday life in Bavaria (praise God). Our children (3 and 7) are not the best behaved, but we’re working on it…so, the problem with the German Catholic culture is that too many young families are not involved. Our little parish is pretty good, with a great Pastor, but still there are a lot of older churchgoers and not so many families. Despite what we think of our children’s behavior, we are often and warmly complimented for having the kids there and for how well they behave.

“And a little child will lead them…” (Isaiah 11:6)

Dr Mari
Dr Mari’s Faith Stop

Amen!

As a foster parent, the child I am with is NOT my own and I am trying to bring the Faith to a wonderful creation of God who has been neglected and damaged by his/her own family. Rejoice that I am trying to bring a child to God.

my 2 year old daughter actually misbehaves in the cry room, for some reason she thinks that’s where she can go play and scream, but when we persevere and let her stay at mass, she behaves better, she even is starting to do the sign of the cross and offer her hand for the sign of peace, gives me encouragement not to take her out, as that is how she is going to learn.

“Be thankful dear American Catholics, when you hear children at mass, you won’t hear any such noise in the churches of Europe!”
Well ... if you think that Europe consists of UK, France and Sweden, then you are right.
There are countries in Europe where 80-90% people go to church every single Sunday. And no one makes big fuss about crying babies. The children are God’s privileged ones, and they belong here. The old and the handicapped too. It’s a Mass, not a classical concert.
But I have to mention it’s expected that 4yrs+ know how to behave in church.

I don’t mind hearing kids cry at mass.  That’s natural—And it’s nice to see parents subjecting them to God. 

Though there is some behavior that should be controled.  I do have a problem when they let them run around and go from pew to pew—Not that is not safe and disrepectful to the Lord’s house—for the child could knock something down or hurt themselves or others in the church.  That behavior shouldn’t even be accepted at a movie theater, restaurant and so on. 

I have seen kids talk aloud—But I can usually pick up that these kids may be suffering from autism. 

I do see parents bring in the kids with books, dolls, etc.  And some parents do leave the mass momentarily to calm the kids down. 

I don’t think we should frown on kids at mass.  We need them at mass—they’re our church’s future. 

I applaud all parents who bring their children to mass!

“I just shake my head as I’m running down the side aisle in 4” heels trying to catch my 2 year old before she gets to the altar - again, on the day I was lectoring of all days.”
—To me that’s natural behavior, since your family is so involved in the church!  That little one is mimicking the family’s behavior to serve GOD!  You’ll have another usher/alter server in no time!

I told an older woman(w/ a smile) years ago when she looked at me irritated when my little ones became cranky during daily mass, that we all “pray for vocations to the priesthood and religious life” during the prayer of the faithful but I’m doing my part in making that intention a reality with my kids being there at mass at a young age. She and I are now friends and smiles at my teens.

the “cry room” has ALWAYS been a nightmare place. We’ve been in there once. My advice: sit front and center because those students get the best grades - usually works for school and hoping it carries over to salvation! LOL Kids need to be able to see and hear what is going on, feel a part of the action in order to eventually get it!

Brothers and sisters in Christ, let’s put ourselves in each other’s place.  It can be hard to keep children respectful at Mass, and it can be hard to pray with repeated distractions.  Both sides have a valid point.  Let’s try to understand each other and work together toward solutions.

Parents: You bring your children to Mass to raise them in the faith.  Your heart is in the right place.  Yet, if it’s so much trouble to work with your children on their behavior during Mass, how much are your children – and you – getting out of the Mass?  What if you first prepared your children by “playing Mass” at home?  You could teach your children how to make the sign of the cross with holy water.  You could read stories from a picture bible.  At the end of a story from the Old Testament, you could say, “The Word of the Lord” and teach your children to say, “Thanks be to God.”  At the end of a gospel story, you could say, “The gospel of the Lord” and teach your children to respond with, “Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.”  You could give your children other verbal cues by saying, “… but deliver us from evil” and teaching your children to say, “Amen.”  These are all things that even very young children can learn.  As your children grow, you could teach them longer prayers and responses.  You could teach your children about Who is really present in the Eucharist.  You could record a Mass from TV, and have your children practice the various responses and gestures of the Mass.  Instead of starting to teach your children during Mass, with all of the attendant difficulties, you could teach your children at home and bring them to Mass when they are prepared.  Prior preparation is the teaching of the Church.  Get together with several other families and even single people, and take turns watching younger children at home while others are at Mass.

Everyone: The Church says all parishioners – yes, all – have the right and duty to give their full attention, devotion, and active participation at Mass.  Let’s all treat God’s house as the sacred space it is and respect the Sacrifice of the Mass as the holy action it is.

Further reading: General Instruction of the Roman Missal, the Council of Trent, Sacrosanctum Concilium, and the Directory for Masses with Children.

4life - did you read Matthew’s excellent article?

In the Eastern Rite Catholic parishes, infants are Baptized, Confirmed, and receive their first Holy Communion at the same liturgy. Not only are children welcome on Sunday mornings, but they are also expected to be brought forward to receive a tiny morsel of the Body of Christ and a drop of His precious Blood. I think if young children are in full Communion in one lung of the Church, then they should at the very least be tolerated in the other lung.

I LOVE babies & children of all ages at Mass.

What a sacrifice their parents are making ... I smile and when they try to apologize, I tell them I remember those days, their children don’t bother me and “keep coming back.”

I was a parent who didn’t have their act together until my son was 10 and my daughter was 2 1/2.  So no problems with my son, just with my daughter. I wasn’t so worried about the embarrassing part, I was annoyed because I couldn’t hear. So, if I couldn’t hear, neither could anyone else in my vicinity.  It took several almost 3 months to get the point across of church time and other time.  Times when it is most appropriate to be quiet.  The most effective tool was this- we had a routine of stopping by the store and getting a treat after Mass.  Just something small like a soda or ice cream.  Meanwhile I had been searching for my daughter’s “currency” and believed I had found it- the treat. So I warned her 3 times that if she didn’t straighten up- no treat after Mass.  After the last warning, which was previously warned, “ok, that’s it, no treat for you after Mass, I have had enough.”  She whined a little more, but basically didn’t believe me.  We went to our little store, all of us except her got out, chose our treat and went home.  The look on her face killed me.  It was horrible, she cried, pouted and apologized.  I felt tortured, but thanked her for her apology and told her next Sunday if she behaved she could get her treat.  It was never an issue after that time.  That was 15 years ago.  Today the difference between me getting annoyed or not is the difference between a parent trying or just allowing their children to torture the rest of us.  The one who is trying, I remember my time and if her hands are full and if I can help, I reach over and grab one; give her a wink and a smile and we get through church.  The ones who don’t try- I tried once to help, since she didn’t believe her children were doing anything wrong, I was the mean nosy woman who can’t mind her own business.  So I have been known to get up and move when one who doesn’t try ends up sitting near me, especially when I have a migraine and the screaming- shrill, blood curdling scream child with the oblivious parents are right behind, I get up and move.  So to clueless parents, I would say get a clue- but you have no idea you need one and to parents who try, keep up the good work and look to moms who have ‘been there done that’ we love to help- it kind of fulfills that baby-fix we need every now and then.

i think jesus would be happy to hear the sound of children in his fathers house.

Brilliant article.  Too bad the people who need to read this will not see themselves in it.  My church welcomes ALL CHILDREN, and does not stick the family in a Cry Room.  Nor do we give them looks (other than smiles).  All are welcomed here.  I broke with the Catholic Church years ago, and now I am closer to Jesus.  Speaking of which, what did Jesus say about the little children?

I grew up attending a Sunday school while my parents attended Mass. This was before my First Holy Communion. We changed parishes after that. The Mass we started attending would call all the children at the end of the Mass to go to the altar. A Mass song would play and the children would be encouraged to sing along while following the hand gestures of a teacher in front of us. For instance leading up to the Jubillee we would do the Jubillee song. Or leading up to the Fourth World Meeting of Families we we would sing “Only Selfless Love” It was fun I had fond childhood memories of that! The priest would then sprinkle us all with Holy water. Children often still go to the priest after Mass for a blessing. One little boy even runs down and hugs the priest’s leg. I love seeing kids attend Mass.

I love going to the Spanish Mass in our Parish in part because of the large families and kids. It’s wonderful to see the life and spirit of GOD and our faith in these families. The noise doesn’t bother me at all. On the contrary, it gives me hope for the future.

Im4life - Wow, your comment might be the most condesending thing I have read recently. Why not actually read the article posted by Matthew Warner and take it to heart, especially the part about reflecting on your own behavior. His article was NOT about children’s bad behavior or how to make children behave. You do not realize how negatively your line of thinking effects the way people treat their children.

As a Father of three the youngest now 2 years old, I’ve been on both sides of this debate. But even when I did not have children I was always willing to give young families a pass. The Catholic Church in America is STARVING to keep and attract young people and young families. It is INCREDIBLE to me that Fellow parishioners would get angry over little ones acting like little ones. Granted when our 2 year old gets overly loud Mom or Dad will take her out back for a little while, but for so called God loving Catholics to glare at young parents is wrong. A long time ago the Pastor in my parish in Troy, NY told the congregation that he loved the sound of crying children in Church because crying children meant young families were present and they represented the future of the Church, he said we NEED young families in Church. Sadly in many Churches across America the vast majority of attendees are 50 years or older. We need to encourage young families with children not discourage them from attending. If your one of those uptight curmudgeons who glare at parents of little ones you need to get with it, Children & young families are OUR future, a little inconvenience won’t kill you. But EMPTY CHURCHES will kill the Catholic Church.  God Bless the little ones and those who raise them. Patrick Hogan TROY, NY

My husband & I didn’t call it “the cry room,” we refer to it as “the BABY room.”  If one of our boys was particularly loud or rambunctious during Mass, one parent & said child went to the BABY room; the more mature-acting child stayed in the Church with the “grown ups.”  Our boys ( we are not blessed with daughters) strove to be all grown up, so going to the BABY room was never their goal, because we all know little boys are not babies…

And we did have a Church Bag that came to Mass with us- it had picture books, & coloring books with faith-based themes (saints, Bible stories, Christmas & Easter stories); nothing noisy.  It included a ‘special’ set of colored pencils & crayons (just a different brand from our arts & crafts box).  These were only for Mass- it made attending Mass as a family without annoying our neighbors a reality more often than not.  This plan seems to have worked… our 30 yr old, 27 yr old, & 13 yr old sons do not climb over the pews any more LOL

so, because the child, who is more innocent than me, doesn’t pay attention to the mass, i, a greater sinner, also need not pray the mass?  does not that drive the final nail into my coffin?

the old way of walking the child up and down the vestibule is better than a cry room.

if a child is that unrully that he can not be controlled than he needs to stay home until he matures a little more.

with an active child in the pews, noone around him is praying the mass.  with commotion is the pews and facing the people i, the greatest of sinners, can not concentrate on praying the mass.

as for eaf, i am sorry but i don’t know who taught you church history but infant baptism has been with us since the beginnig. as for grace, there are some graces which are present already but one must be at least paying attenttion to what is going on to know about and receive sanctiying grace.  i do not mean to point to eaf as the only one with which i disagree.  the holy sacrifice of the mass is for the worship of God.

most adults who do not go to mass tell me it is because they were forced to as children.  in other words, their memory of mass is just a time of figuratively being held down and gagged.

@leo weishaar: Thank you for your fraternal correction—I have been praying for lessons in humility lately! I looked at my source again and it actually said the opposite of what I wrote in my comment above. Next time, feel free to correct me without blaming my source. As a new mother, I read and sometimes incorrectly recall information. Pray for me! Luckily that example in my comment was not the crux of my argument about how sometimes the “old way” is not the best way. As far as grace, you are right. However, I have a feeling that Christ understands the hearts and minds of children and they receive the grace from being in the Lord’s presence even if they do not necessarily know what is going on. How else do infants receive sanctifying grace at Baptism? I could be wrong—I have no source here, just speculating. The holy sacrifice of the Mass is not just for worship—but for adoration, thanksgiving, suplication and atonement (not necessarily in that order). So yes, Mass is for worship, but for much more, too. Maybe children have a place at Mass to help us all to learn patience? They also give us a chance to unite our suffering to the Mass. When Mass is free of distractions, becomes easy, and there is no discomfort we will definitely be in heaven. I feel sorry for the children—they are our scapegoats! I get distracted by some of the outfits at Mass and the strong perfum and cologn of some people—I use this as an opportunity to remember that Mass is not all about me and God and that we are praying as a community. That community, the Church, is made up of moms and their sometimes roudy kiddos. Have mercy on those poor children who do not yet understand the extent of the beauty and the wonder that is the Mass. However, they do not understand and so God does not hold their actions against them. Maybe we should try not to, as well. As for their parents, from what I have seen, most parents do their best. None of us are perfect! As for those parents that let their kids act up, I feel sorry for them. Possibly these folks were never properly catechised—how sad for them! That is a great opportunity to pray for them and in the best occasion, as well—the Mass!

Peace!
eaf

50 years ago almost no churches had cry rooms so my wife and I decided that taking 4 small children to Mass would be too ditracting for us so we decided to go to different Masses . AS the children got older we would take one of them to Mass at a age when when they could begin to understand what was going on. To this day they are grateful that we did this are still faithful.  To this day we and they are still married had done the same with their children.

As a mother of 12 children from young adult to under 1 I find the whole debate about children at Mass irritating.
Children belong with parents and parents belong at Mass together, not separately but as a family.
I have on only a handful of occasions taken one of our children out during Mass. I refuse to take them out if our babies babble, or chat or smile at the granny behind us.
If the baby starts to cry I will breast feed that baby for comfort. It the baby still won’t settle I pass the child to my husband or to an older sibling. If the baby still does not settle I will walk to the side of the church, this is usually enough of a distraction and then I go back to our pew. I rarely go outside and we have never attended a Church that had a cry room.
If we had I would be a contentious objector because I believe we are at Mass, all of us.
I also object to children’s liturgy as well for the same reason. The family attends Mass together. It is important and as such receives due reverence.
We have always attended Mass in our Church clothes too. These are special and dressy and once again shows this is not an everyday event, this is special .
We always sit in the front pew (or two) so the children can see what is happening. This gives them a focus.
We never take food as it is a distraction to everyone, children and parents alike.
We do allow a special teddy if the child is attached or a small handheld ‘friend’ or car for boys.
Our middle boys are altar boys and we have had many comments on how their reverence helps the person stay focused.
Did this come from them understanding that Mass is special from attending Mass or from being able to go outside (or cry room) as soon as you make a noise. Children are smart they will work that out, make a noise and you get to leave the building and go somewhere more fun.
Our children are good, our younger ones too, mostly, and yes we have a few ‘special needs’ children too, which makes it a challenge. However we cuddle and separate any child or children who need a little extra care during Mass.
And I believe because we refused to let those stares or comments stop us our children have learnt as they went along.
We get frequent comments on our children’s behaviour BUT that has taken work and has not been achieved over night.
In fact I am sure our younger ones emulate the older children’s behaviour, the ones we actually had to train.
However we do not let the children run around the church. They stay within the pew. We don’t allow them play things, colouring books etc, either - this is not entertainment this is Mass. We tell them that as they get older and start the ‘this is boring stage’. Our 5 year old still asks how many more songs before we finish, but he knows the routine and respects it too.

So I would just say to any new parents DO NOT be intimidated by those who would ask you to leave. Stand up for you and your child’s rights.
Attend as a FAMILY, none of this going to separate Masses to keep the little ones under control, so others don’t get distracted.
Be gentle but firm in your response to children and babies behaviour but remember they are children and not perfect, oops neither are we, but give them the gift of Mass as a special event in their lives that we attend as a family because God gave us families to learn and grow in and that is our responsibility as Godly parents.

As an aside- from personal experience I would like to say that I am more distracted by those teens (who actually come) who are dressed immodestly and those who show little respect in the way they take Communion.
And for all those who pass judgement on families with young children at Mass I would like to ask them ‘where are their own children and grandchildren?’ because they are not at Mass either. Perhaps they thought they would be better off not coming because they never understood the significance of Mass because they were always in a cry room.

Catholics who are open to life and have been blessed with children are some of the most persecuted people, not only outside the Church, but within the Church, inside and outside of Mass. I am convinced the culture of death flourishes within the Church as it is outside it. I am also convinced the Church cannot be successful at establishing a culture of life in the world before it establishes the culture of life within it. In fact, since the Church is the soul of society, the very act of renewing the Church restores the world. “Sanctify yourself and you sanctify society.” - St. Francis of Assisi

Amazing any Catholic would get upset about kids in Mass or making families feel unwelcome considering this is basically the only way Catholicism can continue to grow. The backwards thinking of the church is the reason a lot of people leave the Catholic Church. Including myself. If you are one of the people that gets upset over children, shame, your church’s life is made to live or die based on those children.
Straight hypocrisy on the church, and all churches of all all religions. Welcome only those that will conform!

Amen Kevin! I want to put your comment in every parish bulletin out there.

@ Travis & Marion:  As a parent with twin Autistic boys with very challenging behaviors, I have to ask:  Would you like my boys to wear tee-shirts with their diagnoses on the shirts so maybe you would not judge them for their neurological disorder or just stay in the cry room the whole mass every time or just stay in my living room and watch televangelists?  You cannot see behavior disabilities like physical ones, please consider the tens of thousands of dollars we spend a year and the dozens of hours a week we spend to try to make our kids “your normal” and have compassion.  God loves us and our special needs kids.

It seems silly to comment, given the traffic, but I feel compelled.  Jack is my hero, first of all, because he did do the community embracing and charitable thing in the situation.  The talk of assault is both absurd and frightening.  Wow. 
We should all reread Fr. Stravinskas’ comment several times.  With all due respect to the author of the article, it is far more cogent, and sets forth a more important point. 
Parents can indeed be rude in forcing others to put up with the noise of their families—-this is obvious (ars celebrandi is something we all contribute to, in a sense) and not just at mass, ever been to the opera, a speaker, a conversation.  Also, this is not a “life” issue (I can approve of your children, but not how you raise them—-its really easy, actually), and I can note ill behavior when it is obvious without sinning profoundly, or whatever, even as I maintain my focus upon the mass.  That said, parishioners should be on the lookout for ways to help (exactly like Mr. Hughes did, by the way), but this does not mean they are obligated to tolerate, indefinitely, bad behavior on the part of parents who don’t know how to deal with their kids.  All of these exceptions mentioned are indeed tough, but they are exceptions.  Indeed, most of the families I am bothered by are people I know, not nameless strangers I need to fear judging inaccurately. 
Finally, duh, we are at Mass for Jesus, He is why we go.  The Church has made clear that we can be and are a community only so long as we are clear about that, i.e. in Christ we are communion (down with ad orientum! See the Ratzinger Report).
OK, I am finished. Perhaps I will have exhausted the stamina of the blogosphere.

How obnoxious to assume and direct what others SHOULD think while attending mass.  People are free to be irritated by noisy children at a mass.  It is irritating.  Parents are allowed to feel insulted.  It is insulting that someone thinks negatively of your child(ren).  Both sides should make accommodations for the other.  Those without children can be more understanding and those with children can better prepare and monitor their children.  No one is more right than the other.

Simple Solution = One “Adults only” mass every Sunday.

People (even parents!) wishing for a child-free service can have one.  All the other masses can be regular (adults & children).

And please, cut it out with the Jesus quotes!  It makes you look self-serving. 

So many martyrs, so little time…

This is a minor reason why the church is declining.  How about people are just too lazy to get their butts up for Mass? 
Yes, the precious children are the future of the church but that doesn’t mean that ANY behavior is acceptable.  Let’s stop trying to shadow a crying baby with a holy terror running, screaming and banging.  People please! 
The church is losing members for a multitude of reasons - your little Johnny isn’t one of them!  Please don’t use your kids as an excuse or shield.  Laziness is laziness (on both sides of this issue).

We admit it, we were blessed. As my “handle” may imply, I have been a Catholic Church guitarist since my second daughter was 2 months old. We went on to have two more daughters, and my husband and I continued to play guitar in service to Our Lord all through their childhoods. To this day, we thank them that they were so well behaved that we could perform this service. We are incredibly grateful that there were women at our parishes who would hold the baby and sit with the older ones while we sang. (Maybe our kids were so well behaved because someone OTHER THAN their parents was taking care of them. I never thought of that before.)

I love seeing children at Mass. I understand child development enough to know that there are stages where children really, truly don’t know how to be quiet or even that they should be quiet, particularly when they have just learned how to talk. And I admit that when I’m sitting in a pew near any child under the age of three, I do so get distracted by happily playing peek-a-boo.

From my vantage point at the front of the church, I have seen a woman who’d taken her sobbing child out to the VESTIBULE told that the toddler was still too noisy; what else could she do but leave? That was a tragedy. I don’t know if she’ll ever return to our parish.

I have seen parents honestly distressed by the smallest peeps from their children. God bless them for being so considerate of the people around them even though their children were bothering no one.

On the other hand, I have seen parents sit stone-still and facing forward while their children scream, bang toys incessantly, and cause all sorts of ruckus. I do think that these parents ought to have made some move to calm their children. This is probably the only situation that bothers me, children who needed correcting being ignored. Yet even then, thank God that they were at Church!

Most parents of youngsters are trying their best. I know this because I see them.

I just read a parish note from a priest that said: “In days long past, when you had children, you also had two sets of grandparents (your folks and your in-laws) along with great-grandparents and countless aunts and uncles living in town who helped you train your children. It did not come naturally! Rather, you were immersed in generations of wisdom and experience. Today’s parents do not have this benefit. They are on their own to try to figure out child-rearing. No pottybreaks for your kids? Your children did not need to ‘go’ because there was a fast, even from water, from midnight on Saturday. Your children were not better able to ‘hold it until they got home,’ they were simply dehydrated!” He went on to suggest that anyone irritated by small children’s behavior become extended family to that family, i.e. HELP THEM even if it’s just playing peek-a-boo.

Remember that we are Catholic, which means that we accept everyone: the cranky, the well behaved, the noisy, the devout, the disabled, the healthy, the smelly, and the well-coiffed. We are called to be at Church with Our Lord; it is our duty to be there whether it is quiet or noisy, reverent or boisterous. We are called to help each other, not suggest that folks stay home. My husband and I were the beneficiaries of people who helped us as a young family—and we are thankful to those folks still, some 20 years later.

Most of children are like little angels but we do experience not very well-behaved children sometimes
And it depends on the level of love people have for the Holy Mass.  If people go to mass because they don’t want to have mortal sin then crying, screaming babies or banging toys… will not effect them.  When I was young, children running, playing around me in church was fun, it was better than following the priest doing the same thing every week.  Now I love attending the Holy Mass, I love to hear His Word, I love to witness the miracle of bread and wine become Christ!  Therefore, misbehaving children and their parents do nothing to stop them, will upset me.  The priests have to survive these people every week will have my admiration! 
To defend their misbehaved children, people always say “Jesus welcomes the children with open arms when the disciples try to send them away.”
Hope that they don’t mean: When The Lord is preaching the beatitudes on the Mount or when He is at the Last Super… people can send their misbehaving children in to run around, banging their toys, crying, screaming…
Imagine that our Lord has to preach to a few thousand people, NO microphones and some idiots keep talking, children running around laughing… It will be very interesting to see the reaction of people, who have to stop working, on foot for a day or two to reach Jesus, to hear Him preaching and they hear absolutely nothing because of the noise around.
If people disagree with “If parents have an incorrigible child, they should divide up Mass attendance, so that the problem is not inflicted on an entire congregation” Father Peter Stravinskas – then the church has a very serious problem!
To “accept everyone: the cranky, the well behaved, the noisy, the devout, the disabled, the healthy, the smelly, and the well-coiffed…” like GuitarGramma said,  people need strength and help from above.  We get these help and strength by attending the Holy mass, hearing God’s Word and receiving the Holy Communion and praying.  The Holy Mass will keep us being charitable towards God’s children for some time.
Quite often,  people get distracted during Mass for some reasons and then they have to play peek-a-boo with someone else children in church because the priest says so, people will miss out on the divine grace that they should gain from the Holy Mass.  If people have to entertain someone else children in church, every week… they will go astray soon.  Please remember 167 hours / week we spend for ourselves, only 1 hour for God, for our souls!  Just one hour! (If people pray before and after mass then 1 hour and 30 minutes)

We never know that the person who stands next to us in church is about to commit a mortal sin, or his/her life just hit the rock bottom… and they come to church to ask God for help or for strength to fight the temptation…  If I cannot stop talking or my children keep running around, screaming…distracting them from praying.  What do you think Jesus would feel then?

Please be more attentive to the need for praying of the parishioners around us, that is their one hour with God for the whole week.  Anon777, you have very good points!

Yes!  How can you possibly expect a small child to “sit still” and keep quiet for an entire hour? Of course, wet wipes and and a tupperware box of cheerios are essential.  It is delightful to hear little ones scrambling and rambling around.  When mine were little, we not only took them to Mass, the came with us on the Communion routes for the sick and home bound. Children are one of the best things about a thriving parish. Just be sure they aren’t contagious…most kids are either sick or “carriers”.  :-) Thanks for this article…it expressed what I have thought for a long time.

What a wonderful article.  Our RCIA group was discussing this same thing a few days ago.  Bring the children to church please.  Ignore the ones who give you a funny look.

When my child was very young, we didn’t take her to Mass.  My husband went on Saturday night, and I went on Sunday morning.  People are coming to church to encounter the Lord Jesus Christ, parents.  This is something that they cannot do when you are allowing your children to run up and down the aisles, jump in the pews, scream, cry, and eat snacks in church.

You need to let go of your selfishness and start thinking of your other brothers and sisters in Christ who do not wish to have their prayers disturbed simply because you don’t know how to restrain your children.  If your children are too young to be restrained, then they shouldn’t be at Mass in in the first place.  Husband and wife should attend separate Masses, with one staying at home with the child.

The remarks of the liberal parents at this post are extremely offensive to those of us who wish to encounter the Lord Jesus Christ, but cannot do so, and all because you’re too selfish to think of anyone other than yourselves.

To Tara,

I would be careful not to judge other peoples motives.  Most people bring their children to Church because they love their children, and want the best for them.

We have all witnessed a child “out of control,” whose parents didn’t address their behavior problem.  But that is not what this article is about.  Just the average, everyday dealing with children at Mass.

If you don’t mind me asking, does your daughter attend Mass now?

My Pastor and Bishop, loves to hear children in the Church at Mass.  He says it is a sign of LIFE and Growth.  Training children to sit still and behave at mass is a ‘process’ that both parents and fellow parishioners need to have patience with.  Like adults some kids have bad days.  You try to focus on the Mass as best you can and deal with it.  Personally, i encourage parents to bring their kids to Mass, and when they act up i turn to the kid and try to smile and say hi, usually they shut up and clutch their mother or father.  Even discussing with a parent after mass how hard it is taking kids to mass,but that it’s nice to see parents who care enough about their kids to struggle through it, helps the parent to feel welcome.  They are doing the right thing.  Mass is a communal prayer… not a private prayer.  It is not about the “I” it is about the “WE”.  Help, encourage, and pray for the parents who bring their kids to Church, don’t give them dirty looks and tell them to leave their kids at home. They will only stay home with them… and that’s NOT good either.  WE need them as much as they need US!

Kathy,

Yes, my daughter attends Mass every Sunday and is a very devout Catholic.  I don’t have a problem with children at Mass.  I went to Mass as a child.  What I DO have a problem with is the PARENTS who bring their children to Mass and make no attempt whatsoever to restrain them when they are becoming disruptive.

Today, my family went to Mass.  A tatooed-plastered woman walked into the church with her two-year-old son and sat in the pew in front of us.  All throughout the Mass, the mother was text-messaging and reading her text messages.  She was paying absolutely no attention whatsoever to what was going on at Mass.  While she was busy at her text-messaging, she allowed her son to jump up and down on the pews.  When he grew bored with this, she allowed him to crawl beneath the pews.  His head would pop up all throughout the sanctuary.  Did she attempt to restrain him in any way?  Of course not.  After all, there were messages to be returned.  She didn’t even notice that her son was missing.  When he grew bored with this, he then proceeded to run up and down the aisles.  During the Consecretation, he even ran up to the altar and attempted to entertain the priests and the altar servers.

My husband and I are getting sick and tired of experiencing this kind of scenario week after week at Mass and all in the name of political correctness.  We want the children to feel special, valued, and significant.  Therefore, we must allow them them to rule the day, at home, at school, in the streets, and at church.

This is wrong.  The sanctuary is a holy place, and if the church leaders aren’t going to deal with the problem, then the problem will be solved by the parishioners themselves.  Every week, I see, arguments breaking out in the pews between those who have come to worship the Lord and couples who seem to be completely oblivious to the fact that their children are noisy and distruptive.

There is a difference between hearing a child make a slight noise and one which brings electronical toys to church. 

We must not be afraid to call a spade a spade, Kathy.  Wrong conduct is wrong conduct.  People are coming to Mass in order to encounter the Lord Jesus Christ, and whether parents want to accept this fact or not, they simply cannot do so when children are screaming, crying, burping, farting, eating, slurping, jumping, and running up and down the church aisles as if they were at the local park.

Strange, isn’t it, my sister.  In the 1950s and 1960s, our church sanctuaries were filled with children, there seemed to me not much noise and disturbance.  Children back then were taught properly at home.  And the teaching they received at home carried over into the sanctuary. 

Fast forward to the year 2012, and we have a completely different situation altogether.  I am afraid that the American culture of permissive parenting has pervaded the Church and corrupted parents in the raising of the children.  Children who are not taught proper manners at home will not act properly when in the public.  It doesn’t matter whether they are in a classroom, a restaurant, or sitting in a church sanctuary.  The liberalism, and the everything-is-okay attitude of the parents, unfortunately, will spill over into the church sanctuary. 

The Bible says, “a child left to himself disgraces his mother.”    Whenever I see a child acting up at Mass, I do not look at the child with disdain.  After all, he is a child, and he is doesn’t know any better.  It is the parent, according to the Bible, who is the disgrace in the eyes of God, because the parent simply has chosen not to teach the child how to behave.

Tara,

First, I am very happy to hear that your daughter is strong in her faith!

Secondly, I would agree that the situation you described is a child “out of control.”

Just like Matt said in the article, this is clearly a candidate for the “cry room.”

In my experience (again, in a very small rural parish, with more elderly than young,) kids will be kids (not just small adults!) and be a little noisy from time to time, with their parents doing their best to quiet them.

Personally, when my children were little, I sat in the pew next to the door.  If my babies made a peep, out the door we went until they were quiet.  As todders, they were good, on average.  If we had a bad day, out the door we went, until they could behave.

All this to say…there may be different methods, but I strongly feel that children should be in Church.  That is how they learn the responses to the Mass.  They see that it is so important to their Mom and Dad, that they are willing to go through all the hassle to drag the family to Mass every day (or Sunday,) as the case may be. 

Small children, the elderly with dementia, mentally handicapped people, etc, are not second class citizens.  They have a place in the pew just like everyone else.

Hi, Kathy,

I don’t think that anyone is suggesting that small children are second-class citizens. 

Obviously, when your children were young, and they made noise in the church, you did the right thing by taking them out until they quieted and you could return.  Truly, you are to be commended for this, for I can tell you that most parents today are NOT willing to take even this small step.

Many parents across the U.S. today simply allow their children to distract others and pretend that it just isn’t happening.  They simply refuse to do anything to try to keep them quiet.  My husband and I see this over and over and over and over again.

My personal opinion is that children should not be in church until they reach the age where they are ready to receive their first Holy Communion.  Again, this is my personal opinion.  I feel that when children are very young, they are not able to understand what is going on at the Mass, nor are they able to understand the necessity of being quiet.

I have read various comments to this article, and some of the people have suggested that perhaps Jesus was somewhat noisy as a toddler when his mother and father took Him to the synagogue.

My husband and I found ourselves chuckling at this.  We have studied Judaism extensively, and I can assure you that almost all Jewish mothers with young children do not even attend synagogue services.  It just isn’t done, even in Orthodox circles today.  When the child is old enough to understand, and to act properly, then he or she is brought into the synagogue.  Until then, it is usually the father and the older children who attend synagogue services. 

So, I guess I have to disagree with your position that very young childen have a right to a place in the pew like everyone else.  I believe that there is a proper time for everything, and there are some places where very young children simply do not belong.

Most parents are not like you were.  They do not take their children out of the church sanctuary when they begin to get noisy and disruptive.  Instead, they sit there as if it’s not happening.  If they are aware that their children are disrupting other people, they expect everyone else around them to get spiritual victory over the disruptance.

This simply isn’t fair to people who have come to worship the Lord Jesus Christ at Mass.  There is never going to be harmony and peace within any church if the only people whose feelings and needs are considered are those with young children.  I believe that it is absolutely essential that church leadership deal with this problem so that all people can experience the joy and peace that church gatherings should bring.

Anything less than this is one-sided, and this simply isn’t right.

Hi Tara,

Well, you and I can agree that a certain degree of behavior is expected at Mass.  This is also what I got out of Matthew’s article.

Like I have said before, my Church (sadly,) does not have many children.  But the ones that are there are well behaved most of the time.  The parents try their hardest to keep them quiet.  I would have to say that this is the case in most of the Churches I have attended while traveling, etc.

If you truly have the scenario you described above ALL THE TIME, you may want to think about changing Churches. 

Beyond that, we just have to agree to disagree.  Children not ALLOWED in Church until 1st Communion?  I’m sorry but that is ludicrous to me!  At their First Holy Communion they should be able to understand what they are receiving.  How in the world would they be properly prepared, never having set foot in a Church before? 

So here you have a devout Catholic couple, sincere in their faith.  Next thing you know, the children start to arrive (because they don’t contracept, and are open to life.) Their family grows, which to my way of thinking is a BEAUTIFUL thing!  Now they start to get snarky comments at the grocery store, etc, about “so many kids.” But that is the world for you, most snarky comments come from non-Catholics, non-Christians.  Then this same sincere, devout Catholic family goes to Church, and they get “beat up” there, too…that is what seems “one sided” to me.

I am not always sure what people are talking about specifically. However I have a problem with people at church being a distraction babies and kids included. I like a bunch of you when I see a baby make cute noises or do some silly thing and see the parent looking uncomfortable will throw a big smile there way for me this is no big deal. It is the child sitting there screaming or crying or talking and the parent sitting there doing nothing that drives me crazy. This is a huge deal for me and many in my church. However it is not the kids I have a problem with it is the parents that either don’t care or are clueless to how the kids are acting. I love kids I have 5 myself and mine are not those’s perfect kids that do no wrong. But when they do they are corrected promptly. and if needed removed until they can control themselves.  Is this to much to ask ?

Parents:  Do you not know, and do you not care that the Holy Eucharist is in the church?  You allow your children to behave as though they were in an auditorium at school. 
Adults:  Stop your gossiping before Mass starts.  I don’t care about you shopping, or your clothes, or anything about you at the time I go to Mass.  I would like to absorb the greatness of the moments coming. 
Come to Mass to worship Jesus Christ, through the Eucharist. 
Parents take your children out when they compete with the Priest during the homily and other parts of the Holy Mass.  Put your hands together when coming from Communion.  Stop chewing gum during church. Show some respect for the Love of God.

When I hear noisy children at Mass, I think that if the Roman Mass could be replaced with the Byzantine Catholic Divine Liturgy, which is the Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom most of the time, and the Liturgy of St. Basil some of the time, then there would be no problem.  First of all, everyone is singing and chanting during the Liturgy, all the time, except during the homily, and so normal noise levels from children are not a problem.  Also, everyone, except the elderly and the infirm, is standing, so children in a Byzantine, (or an Orthodox), Liturgy, can move around, as can other worshipers.  The older girls, the ten, eleven, twelve year old set, often shepherd the little ones around.  The small children appear to be paying no attention, but by the time they are four or five, they can be heard participating, singing during the Liturgy and afterward.  I can hear my grandson now, singing some excerpt from “Fantastic Mr. Fox” or some other song, followed quickly by the response, “Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy”.  He is learning his Faith by singing it.  If the nearest Byzantine church were not a two and a half hour drive from me, I would attend there regularly and never look back.  In addition to the family-friendly atmosphere, the worship is about the Lord, not about entertaining people.  The homilies are faithful to Church teaching, also.  Children in the Latin rite learn to dislike Mass, because they have to sit in pews and be quiet; little children need to move and speak and sing, and they can do all of those things during a Byzantine Catholic Divine Liturgy.  If you are a Catholic who yearns for the reverence of the Latin mass, who longs for orthodoxy in doctrine, and who loves to love the Lord and His Kingdom, which begins now, go to a Byzantine Liturgy.  You will be glad you did!

Right on Matt!

I’m in my 20’s, and I actually don’t mind it when children are noisy and when they move around a lot. However, I don’t like it when children constantly kick the chair(we don’t have pews) I’m sitting in and poking me all the time. I did look back at the mother(not giving a bad look) just to give her the hint to have her child stop, but she never did anything. She wasn’t apologetic about it. Instead, I was greeted with the bad looks and snide remarks. After a while, this made my blood boil, and I couldn’t concentrate on the mass anymore. People were probably giving me the bad looks, because I was struggling to hold my anger in. I couldn’t say anything to her either, because I was mad to the point where I would have probably said something bad.
I don’t think it’s okay for parents to assume that this type of behavior is fine, because they don’t feel it’s necessary to teach their kids otherwise. I also don’t think it’s okay for parents to think that I should just take it all in and be quiet about it, because they think their child has the right to this “cute” behavior. I have rights too, and I have the right to be at peace in my own personal space.

J-Eek! Sounds like a poorly behaved family all around! But I hope there was just a misunderstanding. I know there have been times when those around me were probably annoyed at my son’s squirmy behavior (no poking, but I know I’ve seen him kick the pew in front of us-we try to reposition him so that he can’t reach it when that happens and we discuss it in the car afterwards), but we were thrilled because it was soooo much better than the week before (at least he was quiet!!). We probably would’ve been really sensitive to glares from others, because we were doing everything we could think of to get his behavior to even be at that level of decorum, and because we were embarassed that despite our best efforts, our 3 year-old was still struggling with sitting still and being quiet for that long. I would expect adults around to just ignore it, but that wouldn’t mean I was assuming my child was behaving perfectly. A smile from someone around us goes a long way towards making me feel like they are on my side in trying to teach my son appropriate church behavior, which then makes me relax and do a better job parenting I think! (And honestly I wouldn’t have care if like during the offering of peace you shook my son’s hand and said “hey, no kicking please buddy-I can feel that!”-it might help him realize the effects of his actions more than our parental lectures!)
Just wanted to offer a parents’ perspective.
PS Our son now sits still and is quiet the whole Mass. Hurray!!! I’m so glad we didn’t give up on bringing him instead of continuing to bring him and coach him towards better behavior each week.

I recently received an anonymous letter from a fellow parishioner.  This is the response I would like them to receive. 

We arrived with plenty of time Monday morning.  I was perusing all of the new books the Light House Catholic Media rack had displayed.  I was looking for something to supplement my Advent.  I was thinking I want to make this Advent more HOLY.  I didn’t walk into the sanctuary until Mass began.  Being a creature of habit, I walked up to the front pew.  The envelope was gently resting on the end of the pew which we usually fill on Sunday’s and most other week days.  My 3 year old son also noticed “the paper.”  He decided we needed to sit elsewhere.  We sat three pews behind where we normally sit at Mass.  After Mass, I walked by the front pew, curious as to the contents of the envelope.  On the exterior of the envelope it read to Mr. & Mrs. Fisher.  I wasn’t sure if we were the recipients, due to the fact the individual hadn’t spelled our name correctly.  I hesitantly opened the envelope.
I was horrified.  I ran to my husband.  I thrust the letter in his hand.  I told him he needed to read it immediately.  I stalked out to the parking lot before anyone saw me begin to cry. 
All the questions then began to flood my mind.
What constitutes as a disturbance or disruptive behavior?  A sound, a peep, a cry out, what exactly?  I really would like to know.  Should I send you to the cry room when I hear you chomping on your gum, filing or clipping your nails, snoring during the homily, or when you have a cold and you let out a sniffle, sneeze, and cough, when you drop your cane, when your cell phone beeps, or when you charge in late?  Where should the line be drawn? 
The Mass is supposed to be unitive.  There are so many things which take away from the family.  Why should we have to separate ourselves during the Mass as well?  After receiving this letter my husband questioned, “Do we need to start going to separate daily Masses?”  The Holy Mass is one time I would especially like to be together as a family.  Please don’t “disrupt” our family’s Sabbath by pushing the envelope. 
I would rather not have passive children in the pews who are appeased by coloring in a book, reading an alternative book, or playing with toys.  I would like my children to fully participate in the Mass; body, mind, soul, and spirit.  When they are of the age of reason I would like them to be able to understand the parts of the Mass, to describe to you what is taking place, why it is taking place, and be in awe of this GREAT mystery.  How will these little ones learn such things if they are consistently removed from the Mass?  I don’t want them to be complacent.  I want them present at Mass from the time of conception. 
My children might bite, but I don’t.  Why be a stranger?  Why not identify yourself?  Why not ask what you can do to HELP, rather than write this anonymous letter?  You are a stranger to us.  We do not know your name, we do not know your face.  Because you are stranger to us, you do not know our story.  You do not know what lies beneath the surface.  You can only see what is on the exterior.  A Sacrament is an outward sign of an inward grace.  You may know our faces, you may see the “display” we put on each Sunday, but you do not know our hearts.  You do not see the grace which lies beneath the surface of each and every child’s heart.  Our actions are a manifestation of what lies within.  My children are exuberant, joy-filled, and excited to see Jesus most present in the Eucharist.  What more could any mother ask?  These little ones are LIVING sacraments. 
I would like to point out the obvious.  Our children can be loud, but have you listened to this “disruption” during Mass?  If not, turn your hearing aids up a bit.  These children you are baulking at are not being rude or insolent.  Many times they are chanting Jesus’ name, repeating words of the Mass, or offering spontaneous prayer, such as Jesus, I trust in You.  My 5 year old was asking me if he was storing up treasures in Heaven.  My THREE year old knows the Nicene creed, do YOU?  My three year old wants to be a Bishop some day.  He tells us almost daily. 
As Msgr. Lavalley so poetically stated, you can’t expect a new born baby to enjoy a seven course meal.  So please don’t expect my children to be perfect.  You have to take into consideration the development of the child.  We all go through stages of growth.  It is a continuous cycle.  I feel there are many adults who are not as well catechized as my 17 month old, 3.5,5.5, 7.5, and 9.5 year old children.  My 17 month old baby girl knows how to bless herself, fold her hands for the blessing before a meal, and hum Immaculate Mary.  Why deny the child access to the Mass because you’re uncomfortable?  If you can’t hear over our “loud antics” quit sitting in the back of church!
Have you had children?  If you have had children, I hope you would understand the importance of them being at Mass, of their role in the church.  If you had/have children, you would understand how stressful it is as parents to have your children at Mass.  How many times we ourselves would like to leave our children at home, so that we could more fully participate at Mass.  But this is where we are WRONG.  We do not grasp how utterly important it is for these children to participate, or what they garner from these Sacred Mysteries.  Adults are not the only ones present at the Mass.  Those in the choir are not the only ones capable of singing.  Father would not be able to say a valid Mass without us present. 
Children are so magnificent.  Think how Jesus, our God and Savior, came into this world.  As an infant.  Swaddled in clothes.  An infant who was raised by his parents, with the help of his community.  He once was a toddler.  I can only imagine Jesus tugging at the sleeve of his mother asking her questions.  Perhaps you were once that curious toddler?  We are many parts, but all one body.  We all have a role and a job to do.  Only through the grace of God do we know that specific task.  Perhaps one day my 3 year old son will be a Bishop.  But if he is removed from the Mass, and is not able to fully participate in the Magnificent Mystery, we may never know.
I am a proud mother of 5 children.  God has blessed me abundantly.  I hope he continues to bless us.  I would rather have my hands full, than a heart which is empty.  I will embrace and cherish each and every one of these “disturbances,” because all too soon they will be gone.

I don’t have any kids yet but I really loved this post. I couldn’t agree with you more! We can’t expect kids who don’t know any better and don’t understand to be perfect and sit still for an hour.

Amen!  And don’t forget to pray for grace for parents and that those roudy kids become the next generation of priests and nuns we need so bad!