Rome
Circa 66 AD
Dear Christian Recruit,
Thank you so much for your interest in joining the Church. Your letter was forwarded to me by the former head of the evangelization and recruiting department. Unfortunately, he met a similarly grisly fate as his predecessor. They were both beheaded and stoned (though not in that order ;)
You asked about the benefits of being a Christian; well things have been a bit dodgy for this young Church. I’m sure that in the future things will get a lot better for Christians throughout the world but for now…
As you might already know Christianity is illegal. Very illegal. And the Roman Empire has been…shall we say…brutal. We’re persecuted so terribly that many of us are in hiding and oh yeah, we’re killed quite often. And not just killed but killed in pretty nasty and inventive ways. That’s why I’m always surprised to see letters like yours in my inbox. In the interest of full disclosure pretty much everyone affiliated with the Church from Jesus on down suffers terribly and then is killed. Somehow the recruiting office says this persecution is having the opposite effect than one would logically expect. But it just doesn’t seem like sound long term planning if you ask me.
I was very much intrigued by all the questions you posed. I wish you could read the Bible we’re working on but it’s still in galleys and you know how editors are. This could take centuries (lol).
You asked extensively about the leaders of the Church, known as the 12 apostles. Please don’t hold their behavior at critical junctures against the Church. Yes, it’s true that the apostles did seem to spend a great deal of time arguing with one another over which one Jesus liked best. And yes it’s true that Peter, our fearless leader, denied Christ three times at kind of an important moment. And yes it’s true that Peter, James and John kept falling asleep even though Jesus asked them to pray with Him. And finally yes, you heard right that Jesus was betrayed by one of our highest ranking members (who later resigned). Now I know that doesn’t make our H.R. screening look competent but they assure me that all legal standards were met. For fear of a lawsuit they say it was a personnel matter so they can’t comment further.
Our infrastructure, I admit, wasn’t all that great but things got better after Jesus, our Savior, was crucified. Well, not immediately. Directly after, the apostles ran around scared and went into hiding. But a few days after that, things got a lot better. Shortly thereafter they even converted an Ethiopian eunuch. Guess they thought, what worse could happen to that guy, right? Don’t ask.
Peter is now in Rome and Paul is on his way there. Now as far as I knew Paul had been trying to kill guys like us but he says he’s changed and is heading out to Rome with Peter. Don’t know how that will work out but my hopes aren’t high. But I received a memo that things are looking up as I hear the Romans are preparing a grand reception for them.
For me, Rome is getting pretty crazy. I plan to retire to Jerusalem in 70 AD.
But in short, if you choose to join the Church you’ll be joining an organization whose members argue incessantly among themselves, who betray the Lord regularly, are persecuted, and often killed just for being a member. Personally, if I were a betting man, with all these grisly deaths, weakness among our own, treachery, and downright stupidity I can’t see how this church survives the month, never mind until the end of time. If it survives longer than this week it will surely be evidence of the Lord protecting His Church.
Gotta’ go now. This may sound strange but I think I just heard a lion outside. I’m going to go check it out. I wonder what they’re going to feed it.
Love,
The Office of Recruiting and Evangelization
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Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!
Dear Christian Recruit,
In response to your inquiry on the Eucharist, I will confirm that it is true that we eat the true body and blood of Christ. (I tried working with our PR guys on that one, but they were quite firm). I’m as baffled as you are; I mean, proclaiming that we eat the Body and Blood of Christ seems like a bad move in publicity for our fledgling Church. But don’t worry, if the Catholic Church actually survives past this tribulation, I’m sure in 2000 years or so, everyone will acknowledge the True Presence. When people look back on this period in history, they’d be daft to say we made it up, I mean right? Maybe by then, we could put Roman in front of Catholic (bwahaha, like that’ll ever happen.) Anyways, I have to go now. Our offices are being relocated to the catacombs for the time being.
Love,
The Office of Recruiting and Evangelization
(P.S. Matt and Patt, I love your work. Keep it up. Pax)
Dear Recruit-Yes that is not just a story about the baby boys in Bethelehem after Jesus was born. The person in power, he was named King Herod, was worried this child was going to fulfill a prophecy and dethrone him so his solution was to kill all the baby boys. We think that was a one time occurrence and, as bad as things are now, we cannot foresee, if Jesus’s message of hope and love is promulgated, that such a horror would ever happen again anywhere, anytime. If you come on board, you can help spread this message so things like this will be unthinkable. Very truly yours, Office of Recruiting and Evangelization
Love this—I am reading it to my “Post Confirmation” class tomorrow, if that is alright…
Yes, the Church Militant has always been in a pretty bad shape - and yet it lives and will live. We may say, however, that our current problems with aggressive secularism, homosexual harassment, dumb but devout atheists, ex-hippie politicians and the spiritualists of Vatican II within our ranks are quite mild in comparison.
Fantastic, Matthew. Congratulations.
We are here, still figthing, still agiants the wind, but alive.
Not all that different these days except it’s not any longer the official policy governments to summarily execute on suspicion of being a Christian.
Great column. Love it.
It is brilliant but a little misleading. O, I don’t mean that the Church wasn’t persecuted in the first century. It certainly was. But that the implication is that it would get better eventually. It did for a bit but has got worse and worse in more recent centuries. The twentieth century was the bloodiest of all centuries for Christians. It is one of the reasons that the Church has grown outside the traditional strongholds. Pray for our persecuted brethren. Pray that we in NA and Europe who profess the name of Jesus learn from these brothers and sisters. Pray that we learn to be as devout as they even if it must come by way of our suffering.
Dear Christian
Just to keep you up with the play, our contact details may be changing shortly. There is strong support for us calling our church the “Catholic” church (catholic has a meaning similar to universal, or worlwide, or similar). But the Ethiopians and the Syrians among us say if the change is made they will call themselves the Ethiopian Catholic Church and the Syrian Catholic Church.
What nonsense creeps into our church if we don’t keep our wits about us.
Love,
The Office of Recruiting and Evangelization
Very funny! And appropriate for forwarding to bible thumping JW and other fundamentalists.
Another point you mention: “And yes it’s true that Peter, our fearless leader, denied Christ three times at kind of an important moment.”
As Chesterton pointed out: “All the empires and the kingdoms have failed, because of this inherent and continual weakness, that they were founded by strong men and upon strong men. But this one thing, the historic Christian Church, was founded on a weak man, and for that reason it is indestructible. For no chain is stronger than its weakest link.”
This is magnificent! Thank you! I am sharing this with as many people as I can.
Very funny stuff, Matt! But, seriously, I am always amazed by the fact that the early Christians not only were willing to sacrifice their own lives but also, eventually, their children’s.
The catechism definitions of “sacrament” speak in terms of an outward sign, instituted by Christ, efficacious via physical signification to give grace. In the early Church an oath such as a baptismal oath taken publicly in church was referred to as a “sacramentum.” This Catholic usage of “sacramentum” derived from the public oath or “sacramentum” sworn by a soldier upon enlistment to serve his country, to follow orders, and to fight in combat. It also was analogous to the gladiator oath taken by those who entered the arena, some never to leave. Thus the Catholic sacramentum was a public oath to do everything, including facing torture and death, in consecration to God and in obedience to His will. In the words of the church father Tertullian, “We were called to be soldiers of the living God already when we responded to the words of the sacramental oath (sacramentum).”29 Many early Catholic martyrs were themselves, as martyred, public symbols. For his oath or sacramentum, Ignatius of Antioch used the gladiator oath in which the gladiators promised to subject their bodies to “fire, cross, battling with wild bears, mangling of limbs, crushing of my whole body, cruel torture of the devil,” but Ignatius added “only let me get to Jesus Christ”.30 In these public acts the body was an effective symbol and a sacramental sign to all who witneessed and were affected by the martyrdom of the early Catholics.
Brilliant! LOL!
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