Last week I had the pleasure of chatting with Father Frank Hoffman (a.k.a. “Father Rocky”) on the Relevant Radio network. We were talking about Church teaching on human sexuality, and he brought up a perspective I’d never considered before: how these teachings impact Catholic children. I’d done a lot of thinking and writing about how these ideas impact married couples, but I had never considered how it all extends to the children conceived in those marriages. The implications are fascinating.
Father Rocky shared the charming story of how his mother always said that “it takes three” to make a baby: a mother, a father, and God. In his child’s mind, he said, God was always part of the answer to the “Where do babies come from?” question. When he contemplated his own existence, he always knew that a loving God was a part of his creation.
This explains one of the big social differences I’ve noticed between Catholic and secular culture: In Catholic circles it’s generally considered acceptable, even a little amusing, if you acknowledge that one or more of your children were surprise pregnancies. In secular culture this is usually considered extremely inappropriate, and is assumed to be damaging to the self esteem of the child or children in question. A while back I saw a blog post about a celebrity who made a joking comment that she and her husband conceived their last child “by accident,” and the comments were full of angry responses that accused her of being a bad mother for saying such a horrible thing. Such an emphasis is placed on the importance of parents having carefully planned and specifically desired each new child, that plenty of people even think that kids would be better off dead than to face the alternative. (More than once I’ve seen signs that say “Make Every Child a Wanted Child” among the counter-protesters at pro-life marches.)
I can see where these misguided ideas come from. When babies are seen as commodities that exist to fulfill the personal desires of their parents, something that couples create for themselves, completely on their own, one of the many unfortunate results is that it puts kids in an emotionally precarious position. Feeling like your parents weren’t ready for you or didn’t want you would be difficult for any child, but when you think that you owe your entire existence to these two people alone, it’s even more heartbreaking.
A child raised in the Catholic worldview knows, first of all, that just because a baby was a surprise doesn’t mean he wasn’t wanted. New children are seen as a natural part of married life, and thus Catholic couples take it for granted that sometimes babies come along at times when you’re not expecting them—and that’s okay. But, most importantly, Catholic children are blessed with the knowledge that, as Father Rocky’s mother used to say, “it takes three” to make a baby. They each know that their existence was a gift to their parents, from God himself, and that with God, nobody is ever, ever unwanted. With fallible human parents there may be surprise pregnancies; but with God, nobody was ever created by accident.
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Jennifer, you always have such an awesome perspective on these kinds of things! Recently listened to your audio of going from pro-choice to pro-life, and it was so insightful. Do you have a link to the audio of your talk w/Fr. Rocky?
Thank you for this beautiful sentiment. I love this line in particular: “A child raised in the Catholic worldview knows, first of all, that just because a baby was a surprise doesn’t mean he wasn’t wanted.”
I’m 17 weeks into a surprise pregnancy. While I may not have chosen to be pregnant and struggled with acceptance knowing this pregnancy changes a lot of *my* plans for our lives, I love this baby and he/she is most definitely wanted. I never say it was an “accident,” but always tell people it was God’s 40th birthday surprise gift to me.
Our third was a surprise. When we told our two children that we were expecting a new baby, my oldest (then 4 1/2) exclaimed, “But you said you weren’t planning on having any more babies.” I replied, “Well, God had other plans.” Her response: “Why would God do this to me?” LOL
Well, we now refer to DD#3 (who turns 3 on Monday) as “The Best Surprise Ever”. And she was so great that we decided to try for #4. But, oh, did #3 teach us humility and trust in the Lord, especially since we were using artificial birth control when she was conceived.
Now with four daughters, people often ask me if we plan on having any more kids. I respond, “We will not be seeking another pregnancy, but if the good Lord decides to bless us we will happily accept another baby.”
Nice post Jennifer! I always enjoy reading your articles.
Of our 5 children, only 1 was specifically planned by us. The other 4, especially the first, were surprise gifts from God.
The first was an completely unplanned and has been the most amazing blessing. The second was planned, the third was a shock even though we had slacked off on the NFP! The fourth was a surprise because we didn’t know that my wife was fertile again so soon after number 3. And the fifth was the result of a conscious decision to just leave it up to God but still not really planned. But they are all loved and wanted by both my wife and me. And I pray for another little surprise soon!
We make no secrete of the lack of planning on our part and let our children know that they were each a gift from God and that each one of them has enriched our lives beyond anything that we could have one on our own.
We may accidentally conceived a few but none of them are mistakes.
Simple but brilliant. Wonderful points, thank you!
Great post! I’m passing this on to my sister who was blessed with 2 after 9 years of perfect NFP.
“A child raised in the Catholic worldview knows, first of all, that just because a baby was a surprise doesn’t mean he wasn’t wanted.” I’m not Catholic and I believe this. I think this applies to everyone who believes in God’s will. It’s not a “church” thing.
This reminds me of something I heard once, attributed to German philosopher Robert Spaemann. He said that one of his sons, in a moment of teenage angst, asked him, “Why did you bring me into this awful world?!?” To which his father responded: “As it happened, I wasn’t thinking of you at the time…”
In other words, there is a delightful “letting-go” inherent in Catholic teaching about procreation, where children are not so much meticulously planned for as joyfully accepted as the fruit of love. Beautiful!
I love my husband’s wisdom on this point: These children weren’t “Wanted,” they were all “Welcomed.”
All 3 of my kids were surprises, and I often worry about how they might feel about that when they find out. This is a great perspective I never thought of before.
I love surprises!! Witness: 6 wonderful children - (the fifth college graduation is tomorrow, btw!!!!) As a labor and delivery nurse who has been exposed to the cult of planned pregnancies, prenatal testing, in vitro fertilization and selective terminations, I find the idea of planned pregnancies abhorrent - not to mention taking over God’s “role.”
What a great post. I’m 11 weeks ‘unexpectedly’ pregnant with my 2nd child. It took me a while to accept it but now I am happy. This baby is welcome despite not being planned. Non-Catholic friends ask whether my husband and I planned this pregnancy and when I reply that we did not, they are often surprised. There is a certain awkwardness that follows in the conversation because it is so obvious they don’t know how to respond, thinking I must be unhappy.
At the Children’s hospital where I work, there is an intake question for the psychiatric unit that asks, “Was this child a planned pregnancy?” I’m sure their intentions are good. The implications for the mothers’ preparedness are potentially relevant. However, past that I am deeply troubled by this simple Yes/No question. How many people actually say yes?Do people feel they should lie or hide this? Many times the implication is that if you have said “yes, he was unplanned” that you’re really saying, “He was unwanted,” and that is SOOO very different. It’s very troubling to me.
Wow… never thought of it like that but it is completely true! Thanks for the insight!
Jennifer - I love your posts about family. I hope that when you finish your conversion story that you will put together a book specifically about this subject! Your title “Suddenly I Was Surrounded by Life” tells the story of how children change one’s focus from the things and planned events in one’s life to the people in one’s life. And I am praying for your day in the life of the Fulwiler family film - that it will reflect how life on the surface looks fun and safe but does not compare to the deep sea diving experience of children - whether conceived by the parents or adopted by the parents. When you described giving a party and setting up for a shot and how things are now, it brings to mind how the unpredictability of life with children adds to the glorious tension of Catholic Christian living.
It reminds of how one day I realized that the six of us made a party everyday. And how much I wish I had allowed more guests to be included by the Lord. I guess He could have bypassed the sterilization procedure, He can do anything, but I wasn’t blessed with that kind of a surprise.
Party on!
if i would have read this post a year ago, i would surely be in a ball of tears right now. now i am able to say that i agree with you, but not in the way you probably intended. as a catholic who has been trying unsuccessfully for 2 years to have children and fits the medical definition of infertile, perhaps i have a different perspective of ‘it takes three to make a baby’. you write of how for catholics, new children are natural and often taken for granted in the married stages of life, and how true that is. but the fact that God had a direct part in that new life is hugely important on the reverse side, as you write. it is initially more painful as a catholic to realize that perhaps while they tout the miracle of new life, it really is truly God’s hand at work.
which means the inverse is true, that if you’re not conceiving, God is not willing it. I say if I would have read this last year it would have made me cry precisely because its this special ‘curse’ that God has WILLED me not to have kids that is crushing. why was i chosen to be so denied, when other families just take kids for granted?? does God not see me as worthy?? its painful and not an easy thing to work through, even if you have faith. but fortunately, what you say is true, that God is the third party and if he doesn’t will it, he doesn’t. will. it. in a way that has ultimately taken the pressure off of us to try every treatment in the world and feel the pressure on us personally to have a biological child as maybe secular couples feel, because in a way i (now) can understand and accept that it really is out of our hands and that it isn’t all about our will. God IS actively saying “not right now” and although that is an extremely hard thing to work through and decide treatment options, what has been more difficult is understanding the spiritual questions that arise from this type of suffering.
I think this post hits on one of my favorite quotes about being Catholic and infertile. “There is no sign unless something happens contrary to nature. The brightness of the sun is no sign, but an eclipse is.” - Fulton Sheen. Sometimes its hard for people to see that children, which happen naturally and are ‘taken for granted’ in marriage are truly the blessing they are. Hopefully by the Catholic’s response to all situations, we can really truly realize the blessing and the 3 involved.
i guess all that to say, the inverse is true as well: there is a purpose in infertility as well. it is not an accident i have not been able to have kids. it is a hard thing to accept (this cannot be overstated!) but, by the grace of God, i’m getting there. hope others know it as well. we are not accidents. we are not forgotten. we are loved too.
A slogan like that yields the obvious question, “Wanted by whom?” I guess they didn’t think it through.
To Alison, I am so sorry, and I cannot imagine anything worse than not having children, but now I am older I know families with adopted children, and families with no children who have been able to do great things because they have had that extra time and energy. I will pray that it all works out for you.
But, now I have finally worked out what to say when people ask if I am planning any more children( at 45 I am mostly flattered that they even think it is likely). ’ No, not planning any more, but then I didn’t plan the first three either.’
The first time I saw the bumper sticker “Make Every Child a Wanted Child,” I misinterpreted it as saying “Every child is a wanted child.” I was very sad when I realized it meant the opposite :(
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