I'll never forget the day, back in 2009, when I was getting overwhelmed almost to the point of a mental breakdown. It was late in the third trimester of my fourth pregnancy. I had three young children; when this new baby was born in a few weeks, we'd have four kids under age five. I had no babysitting help. My husband was gone 12 hours a day. The kids and I were all fighting colds, our youngest had woken up fussy at 4:30 AM, and I was in a fog of exhaustion. I felt like I was drowning.
I was zombie-walking around the kitchen that afternoon, cleaning up from my sad attempt at "lunch," when I thought I heard something on the front porch. Was that a knock? I couldn't hear well since my two-year-old and one-year-old were engaged in a shrieking tug-of-war over a baby doll, so I went to the front of the house to check. I opened the door just in time to see what looked just like the minivan of my friend Melanie, a fellow Catholic mom from our parish, disappearing around the corner. At my feet was a large gift bag. The attached note said that it was a drive-by gift, just to drop off a few things I might find helpful.
The kids immediately stopped the fighting and whining when they beheld this unexpected treasure. The bag contained coloring books, crayons, snacks, and all sorts of other goodies to amuse them, as well as a few things for me. I set the kids up at the kitchen table, and they played quietly, entranced by their new goodies, for so long that I was able to lie down on the couch -- I even got to doze off for a while. When they were done playing it was time for everyone's naps, and after I tucked the kids into bed I realized I felt like a new person. I was refreshed and energized, but, most importantly, I felt supported. At the beginning of the day I had felt isolated and lonely, struggling in solitude on my suburban desert island. Melanie's act of kindness reminded me that I was not alone, that I was in the trenches with other moms who knew me and cared about me, and that we all had one another's backs.
I've been thinking about that day as I've read the ongoing discussion in the blog world about how the Church can support mothers, especially those who have multiple young children. If you're not familiar with this conversation, it's worth following: The bloggers involved have brought up important points about the challenges that come with openness to life and the role of our churches in helping parishioners in need. It started with Calah Alexander's honest post about her struggles as a mom of four young children. Elizabeth Scalia responded with a great suggestion about parish ministries that could support moms in need. Elizabeth Duffy made a lot of thought-provoking points in response, saying that her own needs when she was in Calah's shoes were beyond anything a parish ministry could have solved. And Melanie Bettinelli has weighed in with an interesting piece that highlights Pope Benedict's thoughts from 1960 on Catholic communities, where she asks what modern parishes can do to promote true Christian brotherhood.
Many important points have been made, both in the blog posts themselves and in the comments that followed. The only thing I would add, that is an extension of what others have already said well, is that I believe that the core issue here comes down to one simple thing:
Nobody wants to accept help from strangers. And the sad truth is that, in many cases, our fellow parishioners are strangers.
Asking for help from someone you don't know well is always a last resort, which is why so many parish ministries reach out to those in dire situations, such as folks who are hospitalized, in prison, or in severe poverty. It's hard enough to expose the reality of your life to friends and family when you're struggling; to have someone you barely know come into your home and see your mess is extremely psychologically painful. It's one thing to be the beneficiary of charity from loved ones, since at least there there's a sense that you're giving something back in the overall context of the relationship. It's uncomfortable to receive charity when you don't have an immediate way to offer something in return -- so much so that many women would rather tough it out alone.
The other problem I see with thinking of the solution as lying in formally organized parish ministries (within the context of a parish where people don't know one another well) is that the help isn't customized to the need of the individual. As Elizabeth Duffy says in her post, there's no one-size-fits-all kind of support that would help every mom. I recently heard about a young woman who was at a breaking point with all the demands of her young children, whose girlfriends from the parish devised a unique solution: They secretly arranged with her husband to take the kids out to the movie one Friday night. He told her he was just going to pick something up at the store...and as soon as he left, five friends (whom she originally met through a moms' group at church) surprised her by showing up at her door with wine and her favorite sea-salt chips. Her friends knew that that "girls' night in" was exactly what she needed, and they were right: She still raves about how that night turned things around for her for a long time to come.
Now, that kind of thing wouldn't work well for aspiring hermits like me; having unexpected visitors when I was already maxed out would cause me so much stress that I'd probably end up in a padded cell before they even opened the wine. On the other hand, the drive-by present that blessed me so much back in 2009 might not work for another kind of person, who could end up feeling sad that the friend didn't stop in for a chat.
When you're part of a close-knit community, these things work themselves out naturally. After a few years, everyone settles into their places within the group, and can give and receive in ways that work for their state of life and their temperaments. My friend knew exactly what I most needed, just like the other mom's friends knew exactly what she most needed. In each case, our relationships started through formal church organizations, but eventually transcended those lines to become friendships. And it was only then that we were able to offer personalized, intimate support to one another.
Therefore, the problem as I see it is: How can we create parish environments that foster meaningful relationships among parishioners?
There are no easy answers. On the macro level, I'd love to see a push for geographically-based Catholic communities where folks live within walking distance of one another and of the parish church. On the micro level, I think families in their childbearing years would benefit tremendously from choosing one location and putting down roots, not even changing neighborhoods if at all possible. Real communities require years of the same people being in the same place in order to gel. Our family has been at the same parish since 2005 and in the same house since 2007, and it's only been within the past year or two that we've finally begun to feel closely connected to our neighbors and fellow parishioners.
Admittedly, those are pie-in-the-sky ideas, and they don't offer short-term fixes. But I believe that there are a lot of solutions out there, and that it's possible to see the Church have a great rekindling of that "true Christian brotherhood" that Melanie Bettinelli describes so well. And I think that finding the right answers for how to help struggling moms -- or single people, or infertile couples, or anyone else who could use some support -- begins with asking the question, "How can we make our parishes feel less like a gathering of strangers, and more like a family?"
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Yes! It took me 5 or 6 years to feel a part of our parish. I was attributing the shift to having kids at the parish school at that point, but I suppose it could’ve been an accumulation of all the different things I’d volunteered for over the years as well as seeing those same faces (in the same pews) week after week.
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We can walk to church and school, though many in our parish cannot, and there is a definite sense of our parish being a community center. I can’t go anywhere - the grocery store, the doctor’s office, the park - without running into other parishioners. It does give you a very comforting small town feel in a semi-urban environment.
I had read a lot of those blog posts that you linked to, and I’m so glad to see you chiming in on this topic! I’ve heard that Elizabeth ministries are a good solution, because they try to link women in need with other women who can help their particular need in a way that would work for them. I’m thinking of trying to start an Elizabeth ministry at my parish in the future…
A lack of support from the community for mothers with young children (combined with some unfortunate judgmental attitudes from other mothers) is a big reason why my wife is no longer Catholic.
As a young mom in “the thick of it,” I really appreciated your tackling this topic and offering some specific ways to help other moms out. I love the drive-by present and girls’ night in!
What a beautiful gift from your friend! I would love something like that, but all my friends are busy with babies of their own. I have to initiate everything.
One thing that really irks me is my parish focuses all its activities on school-aged families (CCD and the occasional picnic). So families like mine, with a toddler and one on the way, get left out in the cold. Well, except when the parish goes out of its way to make sure we donate to the capital campaign or get our background check just to be a lector at Mass. And I’m not in a position to start something new like a Mom’s group.
Our protestant brothers and sisters do a wonderful job of having something for everyone at their churches, including moms of little ones. I wish my parish would do the same thing.
When my 5th child was born, a non-Catholic friend I’d met in a Bible study group came over with a meal & cleaned my house from top to bottom.At that time, I lived a mile & a half off the road,through the woods & had no running water.So she really went the extra mile-(or mile & a half.)
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You may like this , if you have time to read it
A very important subject. We need to connect with our fellow parishioners and it can be hard. We have moved multiple times during the last forty years and my advise to new people is to force yourself to volunteer for something, anything. My new parish has an email based
prayer chain that is a great place to get news about people and parish events and of course to pray for those in need. When I suffered a heart attack early this year, I was completely surprised to learn how many ladies knew & cared about me.
When I was single, I felt invisible in my parish. I figured that would change once I got married, but it didn’t. It seemed that there were lots of parish programs for families and even seniors, but not singles or childless couples. Then I became a mom, and still haven’t found a niche in our parish (I do think this will change a little when my son is elementary school age). My current conclusion is that fellowship in Catholic parishes pales in comparison to Protestant parishes. We could learn a lot from how they promote fellowship.
A great topic that anyone 50 or older probably experienced at least early on in their life. Growing up, the support for Mom was usually one of the neighbors that was part of our Church and really “knew” and desired to help the other. (Mom didn’t learn to drive until she was 65.) It wasn’t Altar & Rosary (although I’m certain many women come to know one another this way). It was shared faith, shared Church, shared lives.
But, now, we do not have a neighbor that belongs to the Catholic faith. We are only familiar with neighbors on either side (although, one recently died). We live on a fast paced county road. The nearest churches are far too radically “left.” We are blessed to have a number of dear friends who know us at our Parish (20-25 minute drive away); well, the Parish we attend since it leans more decidedly toward tradition. These friends we met predominantly through homeschooling.
Personally, I can’t say how many times I’ve asked my family, “Why can’t that Lutheran Parish across the street convert and become Catholic for I long to be near the Lord!”...funny thing is, I never see a neighbor that belongs to that church either. Yes, I’m selfish in my longing. But the real desire that I yearn for is a part of the past. A Parish community, living within walking distance, sharing faith, sharing lives. God’s blessings upon you, Jennifer and your family!
Jen, this echoes so much what I’ve been thinking the last week. I’ve been realizing more and more that if we hadn’t had to move from our old parish four years ago, if we were still a part if that community where we met, were married, where our first two children were baptized, then I wouldn’t feel so isolated and like such a stranger. I’d be getting more support and I’d know who to ask if I needed help.
Yesterday afternoon some of the women organized a cookie swap. It was sobliw key and such a wonderful communuty building ecperience. We sat around and nibbled on food and at the end we each had a box of treats to take home to our families. Many women I’d never met made a point if seeking me out, introducing themselves, telling me about the history if their group. When I got home I felt refreshed and hopeful. Even though I probably won’t be able to make many if their meetings—7:30pm is our family time—I still feel like I’m now a part if the community. And now my name and number are on someone’s list.
But will we be able to stay long enough for these seeds to take root and these friendships to bloom? I’ve never seen this house, this neighborhoid, thus town as where I want to raise my family long term. And given the nature of the world we live in I wonder how realistic the goal of staying in one location even is. Were not even sure my husband will have a job six monnths from now or what we’ll do if that changes vFor us no matter where we settle we’ll be far away from at least half of our extended family since I’m a Texas and my husband is a New Englander.
Given that so much if our population is transient perhaps in part we should also be asking what parish communities can do to help expedite the process of integration for newcomers. I know in many places parishes have a specific newcomers ministry though it doesn’t seem to have caught on around here. Perhaps better use of social media in the part of parishes will help younger people who are most comfortable with those form of connections to get a jump on the process of making connections.
When your family is one that moves often ie every 2-4years , ( a military government , RCMP, Oil companies, etc. ) you dont have the option of taking 6 years to get comfortable.
We need to swallow our pride, jump in and help , get involved, in any little way you can. Truly what you get is so huge in compared to the little you give. We need to keep our eyes open, who looks like they could use a hand or a kind word?
The idea of what your dear friend Melanie did was inspiring, but even the idea of doing that amazing thing, ( eventually] can postpone that small immediate thing that we can do , seemingly insignificant but so appreciated all the same by the recipient.
We belong to a small, rural parish, where the older ladies, especially one in particular, pretty much run the show. They have expressed dismay that we “young” ladies don’t do enough around there. Well how pleasant it must have been to raise their children in a time when you just sent your kids to the (affordable!) parish school. If I had known when I got married that I would need to home school all our kids—the two youngest with special needs—I would have begged to enter the nearest convent. The closest “Catholic” school to us is a one hour drive on the freeway, it’s not even Catholic, and we couldn’t afford to send even ONE of our children there even if it were. My goodness, it’s all I can do to get our own laundry done, let alone wash altar linens. Why don’t some of these (bored!) old ladies come over and help? Not only that, but most of them had only two or three kids (interestingly, who no longer practice the faith). My generation actually takes the Church seriously when she says contraception is a no-no, so we have larger families who need us at home. Catholics should be even *more* pro-active in welcoming and helping their own parish families, but it’s the Protestant evangelicals who have that one down. Thanks for letting me vent.
Kathleen, WOW. I’m never going to complain about the years I didn’t have a dishwasher *ever* again. I’ve been around teens for so long that all I can say is: you. are. bad a—. I hope that doesn’t offend your Southern manners.
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As for me, I’ve spent half my married life with extended family around (for better or worse—but not so lonely). My Mom took the edge off of a lot of my early parenting woes. The downside is that she and my sisters enabled me to be more lazy about connecting with other Catholic women. It didn’t help that most of my school friends didn’t get married for a loooong time after me. I was the teen bride that didn’t have a clue about a thing and had barely ever held a baby. I can’t even believe how naive I was about what I was getting into. By the time my friends were feeling the heat of “death to self”, I was a survivor myself, and a shoulder to cry on, even if it was via telephone.
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Goodness knows everything gets better once the oldest kid(s) are helpers, but this can seem like an eternity for the Mom who is cooling her heels with just a baby and toddler,in parenthood purgatory.
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I like Melanie’s idea of having a kind of parish-based, social network site—something that goes hand in hand with registering at a parish. That would be a great icebreaker I think, if you could look up the family profile of that nice family two pews over…as well as an easy
way of putting out the word on family functions and input to make it more appealing? I never read the parish bulletin :( ...Maybe someone with the tech talents could make this type of “Facebook” cool, user friendly, and something they could pitch on the Archdiocese level.
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Oh, one more thing. I’m all for going broke on hired help a couple times a week when you’re in the purgatory stage. My helper came in small chunks of time, so I didn’t feel invaded. She did deep cleaning one day, and light cleaning and laundry folding/putting away the other. (She ironed on Saturday evening so we could have “date night”) The kids got to know her, so I could do an errand or two with just the baby. I really balked at the idea of my husband hiring her at first,because we had a tight budget already, but now I can say that it was an *investment in our marriage*, and we probably would have spent the money on other less crucial things.
I feel both encouraged and discouraged by this discussion. Encouraged because now I don’t feel alone. Just yesterday I was crying to my husband about the “soul crushing loneliness” of being a stay at home mother. I’m at attorney by training and desperately miss being around other people, even if it is in the context of nasty disputes! How sad is that?! And the other Catholic mothers I’ve met, I just haven’t clicked with and the effort to make new friends seems unmountable.
I feel discouraged because the Church has taken an extremely arrogant attitude that “we have the real sacraments, therefore you should be happy we’re here and you have the privilege of coming.” I see the point, but when mothers are so overwhelmed they can’t even take advantage of the real sacraments, what does it much matter? I’ve become so disillusioned with the church I’ve started exploring returning to my protestant roots. I’ll probably still sneak away to mass, but Catholicism has really let down the people LITERALLY building their churches.
I like Melanie’s idea too. Maybe a yahoo group?
As a new convert I was interested in this article as well as the comments, especially considering that I’ve been struggling to find a place as a late-40’s single. There are youth ministries, senior ministries, etc. One thing that moms might consider is befriending older singles at your church. You might be surprised what good and helpful friends they turn out to be, since in many cases they have no families of their own, and might be quite interested in participating in your family and being a help to you. Not to say that you would seek them out for their help, but if you opened up your life to a single adult, it is very likely that it would be mutually beneficial.
Anna Lisa - I totally agree. I also resisted help in those very difficult early years, also for financial reasons. It’s very important to get yourself some help if you don’t have extended family to rely on. Even if the only help you can afford is a neighborhood 10 or 11 year old mother’s helper who can entertain the kids while you scrub a bathroom or dye your hair or veg out in your bedroom with a book. Being a stay at home mother to all young children is an emotionally draining job. The helpers (and their moms) are happy for the babysitting experience, the teeny bit of spending money, and the opportunity to keep their kids busy with a postive esteem building activity.
Mrs Overwhelmed- ask some of these older ladies over for a tea time- maybe they could teach cooking or sewing to your homeschool group
Liz- I’m sorry you feel this way- I’d like to suggest the opposite advice I gave to Mrs Overwhelmed- have you ever thought of teaching a mini-seminar on law or the history of law to highschoolers (homeschooled or not- maybe at the local Catholic school or parish)- it would be intellectually stimulating for you- but a help to the community and it might create some Catholic friendships.
Perhaps it’s the “martyr complex” that many people seem to be caught up in. It’s too ingrained in society that “mothers are sacred” and consequently others shouldn’t interfere with a woman being a mother. Some mothers don’t appreciate that they need help and that strangers may be willing to help if they can.
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I’ve helped young mothers, who don’t have a car, struggle with their young babies and bags of groceries to catch a bus because no one was available to care for the kids while they when shopping for necessities.
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It’s good for both parents and their children to let someone else take over. A good neighbor would introduce themselves and give their name and address/phone number, and any other identifying information, and start a friendship with the family. At least the parents will know where they can leave their kids in an emergency.
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It takes a village to raise a child.
Our local parish in our medium sized town is pretty large and very active. There is something for everyone. We joined this parish just 3 years ago and moved into its geographic boundaries this past summer. We have a ton of friends and have received a lot of support from people in the parish.
The way I met people initially was by going to daily Mass. At the time, I had a not-yet-2 year old and was pregnant with #2. Now, they are nearly 5 and 3. We go to daily Mass 1-2 times a week, which can be a struggle with a not-so-docile 2.5 yo. However, we do have a mom’s group. When it started just over 3 years ago, we were all new moms with children roughly the same age. We used to just meet after Friday morning Mass. We all brought toys from home for the toy bin. As our children have grown, we have adjusted what we do. Mostly, it is a moms’ group. The children play, we visit, and we pray our rosary. We see each other outside of the group and Mass. We go to each other’s homes for parties, cookouts, just to visit, etc. We bring each other meals when a new baby is born. At first, it was hard, esp since I am 10-20 years older than the other moms, and we don’t have a lot in common outside of our faith. But, that one commonality bonds us together.
Our husbands are friends with each other. My DH joined the Knights of Columbus. He got most of his newer friends to join, too, so it’s not just “a bunch of old guys.” We go to KC functions, and now I know many of the wives. We may not do other things together, but I know them and can talk to them at these functions. A few of them do things for my children.
Simply by volunteering where I can has helped me to get to know people. Mostly, it takes the form of baking for a bake sale or the Holiday Bazaar and then working at the sale table, but I’ve met others doing this. Showing up for coffee and donuts after Mass is another way to meet people and get to know them.
We also have an active homeschooling group. Even though my oldest is only 4, I do some school things with him, and we participate in group activities that are on his level. What a wonderful group of support from people who are doing the same thing! Yes, most of them have much larger families than we have, and we may have to initiate things, but they do participate and support one another.
Our parish makes it easy to become involved, and I’ve been places where no matter what you do, it seems impossible. I do think that for the most part, you get out of it what you put into it. I think it’s unfair to expect your parish to step up to the plate, so to speak, and do for you when you don’t make an effort to begin with. Just my 2 cents worth.
anna lisa ,
Thanks. I’m not offended a bit.I still have one teenager.He uses that term often. :)
Just to clarify, we didn’t have running water but did have a pitcher pump(old timey hand pump) in the kitchen that drew rainwater from the cistern.That combined with homemade soap made for the cleanest dishes, diapers, & children.No bleach or fabric softener needed.I still live in the country & now have a washer, indoor plumbing, etc, but would like to get a cistern one day just to have my laundry come out that clean & soft again.
We recently moved and our new parish has been so easy to get involved in! They serve lunch after Sunday Mass, free for everyone although donations are encouraged. The kids all gravitate towards the tables as soon as Mass is done, pushing us parents who might otherwise leave to stay ad enjoy a meal that we didn’t have to cook and we don’t have to clean up after. It’s great! Parish members donate their time and food to put the food out… after partaking in our parish’s generosity for several weeks I was asked if I’d like to join a lunch group. It works out to once every two to three months I bring something to contribute to the meal and help with clean up.
By far, this parish has been t he easiest one to meet new people and get involved with. I think it would be wonderful if more parishes would do this kind of thing.
Priest’s Wife: I actually had not thought about teaching at all. What a great idea! I have an infant now, but am interested in homeschooling so that would be a wonderful way to get involved in that community sooner rather than later. Great suggestion - thanks! PS Totally unrelated, I used to also be a priest’s wife before we entered the Catholic Church; I will send up prayers for the special challenges your family faces :) Blessings.
What I found is so important is that whatever you do to try and get involved at church, you need to make a WEEKLY commitment! Even if you miss every so often because life happens, the regularity of it really helps you to get to know the people you are interacting with, and the community activity is built into your routine. It also helps to build a feeling of reliability - you grow to expect their company, and they notice when you miss a week (which can feel really good to hear if you’re the type to feel you always fade into the background!) But doing something only monthly or less often just doesn’t make that connection, and if you miss one time, you’re lucky if people remember your name the next time!
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I do agree, though, that there is a weakness in community building among Catholics. I wonder if it has to do with parishes that become very centered around the priest(s) - in my experience, men in general aren’t very good at community building, and they don’t always understand the issues of loneliness. One priest that I talked to about this (nearly in tears) actually told me that I just needed to focus on my “vertical” relationship with God, and not worry about the “horizontal” relationships with the community. I felt like shouting at him that my vertical relationship was just fine, but I need the horizontal relationships to help keep the vertical one standing up straight! Most of all, when I hear something like that I remember that Jesus sent out his apostles in pairs, never alone, and always encouraged fellowship. Clearly, it’s something we need in order to be successful.
If Protestant churches were equal to Catholic Churches in building communities, in forming relationships, establishing support groups, etc., they would close their doors in a matter of months. I can write that as a convert who, along with my wife and kids went from one extreme to the other in converting to the Church.
Have lived in two different towns, two different parishes, and at this point having even one friend in the Church is a cruel fantasy. To those writing about how friendly their parishes are, please give cities and states and the name of the parish in case my family can move again. My wife and I would like a fourth child, and the lack of any support structure at all in this new town is a problem. At the old town we could rely on our Protestant friends.
The Church has challenges: Mass is required, so a lot of out of town visitors (is that person new here, or just passing through?). It seems like there are always 3 Masses, while most Protestant churches have 2 or only 1 service (less likely to always be in a different crowd). Protestant churches have active adult Sunday School classes, Catholic Churches not so much. Protestant Churches tend to be socio-economically and politically homogenous, the Catholic Church has everything (as it should, but it makes it harder to pick right up with others.) If “Parish Life” at First Baptist stinks the Pastor gets fired, at the Catholic church it is not on the radar. Priests have RCIA classes, confessions to hear, daily Mass, the sick and dying to attend to, etc. Protestant ministers have more time for social stuff. It is an uphill battle that needs a battle plan. The Church is winning over people on the strengths of theology, history, etc., if only there was some community 1/10th as strong as what existed at any other church in town, the Catholic Church would double in size every few years.
What is the point in a New Evangelization if anyone new person showing up is automatically a social outcast? A person really has to believe to put up with it.
Good points all, Jacob Morgan. Your cri de coeur is a topic I wish the NCR would take on in a full-length article, maybe even a series.
The underlying premise of this article is not true for all moms and not true for me. I would accept help from strangers or anyone since I have no help at all. I have no extended family, no friends in the area, no friendly neighbors. Lots of seniors in my neighborhood but they would rather work on their lawns then volunteer to help me out or even volunteer for anything anywhere. I have been in dire need on several occasions and can’t even find paid help. Once when I wanted to place a want ad for a mother’s helper in our parish newsletter I was told they don’t do that. We’ve changed area parishes several times and I even started a Mom’s group for preschoolers at one but that fell apart because the parish wouldn’t give us enough space for the kids to play. Now I homeschool and that is some connection but not a lot because most people in this area have lots of extended family that they spend their time with and help them out. So yes I would accept help from strangers, even paid help from strangers, but I can’t even find that. I definitely think the parishes have failed at this and the Protestant churches have it down.
I agree that families should stay put. People move too much! For a better job, bigger house, etc. but they are not seeing what they are losing in the bargain. Friendships (and also more casual but useful connections) are made over a period of years and only get better with time. We are complex, and while it is always fun to meet new people, it is a profound joy to be known—really known for who we are, good and bad. I have moved a lot myself, and I miss the days, long ago, when people knew me well enough to playfully poke fun at me, because they knew me well enough to do so.
When I lived in a parish that had an Elizabeth ministry and was pregnant for my third child, I was amazed by the system they had figured out. It was clearly devised by moms who knew what moms needed. You were assigned one person to be your partner throughout your pregnancy. She dropped off a little intro note and a list of ways she was available to help you with a note saying that if you didn’t need any physical help, she would offer a Holy Hour for you each week. Then each week she checked in by phone to see if see you wanted her to do any of those things for you, ask if you had any prayer intentions for her, etc. What was nice was that even if she started out as a stranger and you were reluctant to accept her help, by the end of your pregnancy, you often felt comfortable enough to accept the help when you really needed it. I think this is a nice model to provide some help with this issue, although nothing will ever be a cure all.
Lonely, if you’re in Illinois, I would love to help.
Jacob Morgan, I feel your pain! We just found an orthodox parish with good outreach to members about a year ago, after searching and praying for years! Not revealing too much, there are two amazing parishes in far west Chicagoland…. Excellent schools and homeschool groups affiliated with them, daily Confessions, and Latin Mass as well.
It may not always be possible to get people of our temporament, our way of life etc in a parish community, for friendship. People are of very different nature, attitude, style, grades of pride. Some are very selfish and some are selfless. So it is necessary to choose some for closer friendship. We shall never give importance to their deficiencies or selfishness, we should go a step further to cement the relationship . To sum up, we must be ready in mind for acccepting a “loss” in our profit and loss account.
My problem in finding a group for support is probably that I don’t trust other women very much. I was raised by a narcissistic mother, I had a brother, no sisters, and was bullied by the mean girls at school during elementary and junior high school. I have two close friends, who live far away. When I have gotten involved with groups of women—Catholic homeschooling moms, homeschooling moms, just plain moms—it always ends up feeling like high school all over again, with judging and subtle put downs and if you excel at something—say your kids give really good presentations on homeschool presentation day, because dammmit, you worked with your kids and they practiced and are good students—you get the side eye from the moms whose kids hide in the corner or just hold up a stuffed animal and say “This is my bunny.” Okay. My husband and I have tried in the past to get involved with our various parishes. Once we organized and taught preschool CCD, and made our lessons from scratch. We accepted no pay like the other teachers did. We were “called on the carpet” for disciplining some kids who were absolute terrors and could have hurt the other children. Was our side of the story heard? No. In another parish we found out that people were teaching CCD who hadn’t gone through background checks as the diocese required; when my husband approached the priest he got a tongue lashing and our child was threatened. Okay. So we are gun shy about getting involved AT ALL. Which is why I have no church community. I think our standards are too high.
Our parish (in the UK) has recently started a program called ‘Passionist Family Groups’ started by an Australian Passionist priest called Fr Peter McGrath. The idea is very simple - those who wish to sign up to join a group. Each group has about 8-10 individuals/couples/families, covering the full age range from young singles or couples to the retired. People are put in groups based partly on which Mass they usually attend, but there is also an attempt to put some families with similar aged children in the same group. The groups meet then monthly throughout the year for a simple social event such as a picnic or shared lunch in the church hall. It’s meant to be very low-key and un-threatening, and something people can bring non-Catholic spouses to as well. Once the groups have got to know each other better, there will also be occasional Masses for the groups, and it is hoped we will start sharing our deeper needs with each other, but it seems a very simple way of getting over the problem we have in Catholic parishes of them often being very large and impersonal. We have about 40% of our parish signed up to join a group - we’re still in the very early days fo this, & I’m sure not all groups will survive, but I’m hopeful it will make a real difference
Thank you so much for this post! I am in my third trimester with my fourth child (my oldest is 7), and have been feeling very overwhelmed. This was exactly what my soul needed this morning—just a reminder that I am not alone.
I have benefited tremendously from single and older people in my community that have helped me with child care and cleaning and just company. I am expecting my 7th and the oldest is 12. I teach part time in a school where parents are expected to be very involved. I have by necessity had to welcome help from kind strangers. The funny thing is they don’t stay strangers long after they come around a few times. It is enriching in both directions. My elderly friends have the delight of being with little ones who can sit and listen to stories and remark with charming comments. The younger single friends get to practice loving and extending themselves in a way that isn’t part of their agenda. And I of course benefit from the help and company. Instead of singles groups being the only outreach for our young adults and singles, why not paring up with young families or elderly in the parish to form committments to help one another?
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