What a lot of people don’t realize is that the more the consequences (such as STDs) are (allegedly) removed from sex by the condom, the more people will be likely to have sex, since they will have no fears about contracting an STD. Given a 10% failure rate (or any failure rate), having sex more often will actually increase the likelihood of using a defective condom. So giving out condoms actually means higher STD rates, not lower. In fact, it seems likely that, given the UN’s support of population control in third world countries and their previous nefarious actions to carry that out, the UN and related agencies support condom usage in third world countries because it is an ideal cover for their agenda. They can claim they are trying to prevent the spread of AIDS, all the while in reality trying to increase the spread of AIDS as a eugenic project against the third world.

I think one of the difficulties with these issues is the widely-accepted notion that sex is an *essential* part of life, something everyone is “entitled” to at any time, a basic need like food or water.

Not that sex isn’t important; it is, in it’s properly-ordered place (that is, within marriage).  But nobody ever died from not having sex.  Our culture, unfortunately, has a very distorted view of chastity (within marriage or outside of marriage), abstinence, and sex and the purpose of each.

Thanks for the article.  Just last week, I gave a lecture to a couple of high school health classes on STDs and they were shocked to learn how ineffective contraception is at preventing STDs (and how some even increase their risk of contracting certain STDs).  One young girl even asked me, “So, what’s the safest way to have sex?”  I looked at her point-blank and told her, “To not have sex.”  She was dumbfounded that I would even suggest such a thing.

Right on, RMMT, but I would add on one minor point to your advise to the young girl.  The safest way to have sex is usually in a faithful, permanent, monogamous relationship (aka marriage).  If a couple remains faithful to each other and takes only one sexual partner, the epidemic of STDs in this country would probably cease in a generation or two.

There are, of course, situations like Jennifer describes when the only absolute sure way is abstinence.  It’s a cross to bear, but with every cross comes great grace.  It’s certainly not a fatal cross - no one has ever died of abstinence from sex that I am aware of!

For couples who doubt this fact consider this - what if your spouse were rendered incapable of having sex due to an accident or injury.  Would such a condition allow you to have an affair or some other illicit activity in lieu of remaining faithful?  Of course, not.  You wouldn’t expect anyone to endorse this behavior - it is that part of in sickness and in health vow we all make (or should have).

In living w/ a chronic illness, my dh and I have had more than a few times when we were faced w/ restrictions not unlike Jennifer’s.  Of course, it isn’t easy but we love each other well beyond the bedroom and God cannot be outdone in generosity and grace during those times.

Quoting Pam “no one has ever died of abstinence from sex that I am aware of!”

Maybe not, but I’m about to die of loneliness!!  It seems quite likely that I could die from not having a husband and a family.
It is very difficult to be a chaste, single adult in this society.

Allow me to clarify…
Being abstinent isn’t that hard…  being alone is. 
and being 35+ and abstinent is a guarantee of being alone.

I think it would be a lot easier to have periods of abstinence in a marriage… than to be abstinent and alone forever. 
Dear Lord, where are the quality Catholic men?  Oh yeah, they’re already married.  Pooh!

Hi! My country, the Philippines, right now is faced with a pending Reproductive Health bill that, if passed, will allow the government to promote artificial and natural means of birth control. In the very heated debates that have been raging for months since last year, the effectiveness of contraceptions have been brought up by both sides of the issue. I understand that, at the moment, contraceptives are not 100% effective in protecting people from HIV/AIDS and other STDs. However, people still opt to go artificial, since it CAN be effective against pregnancy and HIV/AIDS and STD. And, at the moment, artificial contraceptives are successful to a high degree. Let’s just say that contraceptives are properly used. I can foresee in the near future that such artificial contraceptives (condoms, pills, etc.) will be 100% effective, considering all things equal. We can’t discount that possibility, since these can still be improved with scientific and technological advancements in the near future. My point here is that using the efficacy of contraceptives as a reason why couples should not use condoms is and will not be a strong argument. Even before the time comes when contraceptives will give us 100% security, our argument should always be on love and truth.

TRS - I know exactly how you feel.  I’m only approaching 30, but it is very lonely.  At the same time, I have to remember that no man is going to fulfill me - that’s God’s role in my life.  He did say it wasn’t good for us to be alone, but I’m also putting a terrible burden on my (hopefully) future husband by expecting him to fulfill my every need in life when he can’t do that.

So, like all things, it’s a balance.  God puts loneliness into our lives for a reason, and I think it’s usually to draw us closer to Him.  lol At least we don’t have to worry about arguing with people over contraception in our lives just yet?

You are a gem. Very well said.

Hello,

My husband and I abstained for nearly two years after being married (legally) but before being married in the Church while my annulment was processed. By doing so, I was able to be received into the Church and my husband was able to present himself to receive the Eucharist during this time as we essentially lived as ‘brother and sister’. It was awkward at first, but then it became *normal*. During that time our relationship grew and blossomed in a way neither of us could have predicted. It went back to its fundamental roots of friendship and love for each other in the purest sense. Since being married in the Church we have resumed our intimacy and began practicing NFP immediately. Again… its entirely pure, real and allows us to be fully intimate - and has a higher effectiveness rate than almost all artificial contraception at 99% when used properly. This is now who we are and part of our story. Both experiences have been abundant in their blessings.

Peace.

Wonderful article as usual, Jennifer! Thank you so much for sharing this perspective with us! I hadn’t thought about it quite like that before, but it is so true. People who need to avoid pregnancy for very grave reasons and use artificial birth control or get sterilized really are still putting their life and/or that of a potential baby at risk. The only way with 100% effectiveness is still abstinence. Like you, I too am glad the Church teaches what she does on this. As always, the Church’s wisdom and teachings have our best interests at heart.

We got married just before I began my two years of active duty in the Navy.  The ship spent about six months each year in the Western Pacific - Japan, Taiwan, the Philippines.  If I take my marriage vows seriously, I am not going to “play around” while the ship is overseas.
Similarly, I am not going to play around during the ninth month of my wife’s pregnancy, or for some weeks after she delivers one of our children.
We practiced something like NFP for a few months after the birth of our oldest four children, and for some years after the birth of our fifth child, until we reached our fifties of age.
We attended Mass at least weekly during much of our married life, and have been there 5-6 times most weeks since my retirement.  We started going together on Saturdays as well, as soon as our youngest child could fix her own cereal for breakfast w/o spilling the milk.
If you love someone enough to commit yourself to fidelity in marriage, and you share an active prayer life, you ask for the grace to keep your vow.  Also, it may be easier if you DON’T think of it as a long term fast.  Just for tonight I can leave her/him alone.
TeaPot562

Thank you Jennifer for writing this! There are so many Catholics who look at birth control as a “necessary evil” and that abstinence is completely out of the question. This is the best explanation of why birth control is wrong even in dire situations such as you mentioned.

If religion can persuade people to be abstinent in situations where pregnancy is risky, fair enough, no doubt it is the best contraceptive method. A medical personnel (as I am one) can only offer choices including abstinence along with risks and benefits but we cannot force anything as this is a strictly personal decision of the couple as they have to figure it out for themselves what they need. Only thing we are afraid is that they accept abstinence and we take their word and they finally end up pregnant and we are in a situation to do an abortion.

It baffles me that there seems to be this idea that a condom is an effective way to prevent the transmission of HIV.  I remember very vividly being in 6th grade health class and a nurse talking to us about AIDs. She told us to imagine the size of the AIDS virus as the tip of her finger… and then compared that to the size of a sperm cell - which would be the size of her fist.  If sperm can make it through the tiny holes in the condom, then it is certainly not going to stop HIV. 

RMMT makes an excellent point. That the first thing people think of when they need to prevent a pregnancy is NOT abstinence - it’s contraception. “Because I couldn’t possibly go for a period of time WITHOUT having sex with my spouse.” Anything but that. I can sympathize somewhat with that notion because we had to abstain for 3 months after I quit birth control and switched to NFP. I was terrified of not being able to “be” with my husband. I felt like I would be losing him - giving him up.  However, after quitting contraceptives and learning NFP, even though there were long periods of abstinence, my husband and I actually grew closer together.  I didn’t “lose” him - I actually got more of him… if that makes any sense.

TRS and Pam:  Your posts nearly brought me to tears.  My heart breaks for you and for women (and men) like you.  I myself am blessed to be married to a wonderful woman.  But it took nearly 40 years of my wandering through the parched desert of “beautiful” girlfriends and terrible relationships. (Well OK closer to 36 as my first “girlfriend” was when I was 4).  Stay strong and close to God.  Remember His plan for you is better than your plan.  And it may mean living outside of the culture.  Surely you will be rewarded for doing His will.

Like many I suffered the brutal wages of sinful (and broken, painful) relationships before marriage.  Women I dated did not wish to abstain, but they all wanted a deeper loving relationship - and so did I.  The problem is that when couples engage in sex outside of marriage then it becomes more important than the relationship.  It IS the relationship.  (It’s true - no matter how much you might “play house”) Sadly you are experiencing the effects of this culture of death.  In this culture women are sex objects (and now men are as well.)

Little girls are taught they will be valued if they are “sexy”, and boys teach each other that the point of dating a girl is to “get laid”.  The visual pornographic assault on men and boys is as relentless as it is hideous and destructive.  The “nice boys/men” ALSO hope to have love in their relationship, but they have no idea how to make that happen.  Truth is, if you are focused on your own desires and your own needs, you can not simultaneously be loving someone else. 

I was shocked at how many women I dated - who claimed to love me - who also told me that they didn’t know that they could “make it” without sex.  That makes quite a bit of sense when that is all you have.  If all I had was a teddy bear and nothing else in life, you’d see it sticking out my briefcase on my way to work.

God blesses us in marriage, where we must truly die to ourselves in order for the marriage to work, but in doing so we gain so much.  Sex, then, in it’s proper place, becomes one of the many blessings that come along with it.  It is not the end all be all.

My wife suffered from severe medical issues, and I had to “go without” for her sake.  For a LONG time.  Something I previously could not even imagine doing.  IT was difficult at first, but seen in its proper context as an offering of love and conformity to the will of God, it actually became a joyful gift.  Weird man.  But cool….

Stay strong…

But even in marriage it is easy to

TRS - Don’t give up hope. Have you tried a novena for your intention? I didn’t get married until age 32. Getting out of the bar scene was the first step for me. We did not meet there! I was tired of being alone and lost too and asked God to help me and He did. Twenty one years and seven children later, I have to say my prayers were answered. We started NFP early on and by the time #4 rolled around, we just pretty much said to heck with NFP. Instead it became “Lord, we’ll take what you give us.” I am so glad we turned it over to Him instead of what WE thought our family “plan” should be. His blessings have way exceeded our expectations. I’ll pray for you.

DEAR TRS…I did not get married until I was 34. I truly know that loneliness can be a heavy cross to bear. It is especially hard because it is so isolating. All the advice about joining a group, taking a class, volunteering can fall very flat when you return home alone. You can only fill so many hours and then you are faced with that overwhelming ache of a unknown future that seems hopeless. Now here is my advice. Go on a Catholic dating site. This was not available to Catholic singles many years ago but I would take advantage of it now if I faced your situation. I have a relative who met his future wife through Ave Maria online. I will pray for you.

Thanks everyone, I didn’t intend to hijack the comment thread! 
Yes, I’ve prayed novenas… my mom has prayed novenas…  my vast collection of relatives/ cousins (we’re Catholic after all) and friends have all been praying for this intention! (so they say)

The 35+ that I indicated, is actually 41 next week!  So I realize that I’m at the point where people are saying… “Over 40 and never married… there must be something truly unloveable about her.”  Bah!

Thanks Anne, for acknowledging that the talk of volunteering and being active is a bit hallow… because in the end, I eat my meals alone, my house is empty when I come home and my bed is empty every night and every morning. 
In fact, when I went to my parish fish fry…  our priest asked how I liked the fish (our parish is purported to have the most delicious baked fish) and I explained that actually, I’m allergic to fish so I didn’t have it… he was gobsmacked… “Well, why are you here?!”  “Because, Father, if I go home I have to eat all alone.”  I’m certain he found me to be a complainer… rather than a soul seeking to socialize in a spirit of fellowship.  Grrr.

I’ve tried Catholic dating sites…. I was disenchanted when after 6 months of such…  the men couldn’t move past sending smiley faces and virtual roses!  (is this 7th grade?!) Completely astounded that they made no effort to get to know me.  (now I expect a backlash pertaining to how much effort I put in, and how I responded… )  trust me… they made no discernible effort other than saying hi once a week.

I’m ready to petition the pope for some sort of initiative to create stronger, braver, Godly men… and in my age group please… I can’t wait 30-40 for a current little boy to grow up!!

Thanks though for the support you all are giving me.  If I could be so greedy as to ask for your prayers… for men to seek marriage ... because that is the problem as I see it…  men these days have nothing but fear in relation to marriage.

Thanks!
TRS

I would imagine that, for married HIV+ individuals, condom use combined with ARV therapy (which often makes the virus undetectable) DOES serve to prevent transmission the vast majority of the time.  These people are not seeking to avoid pregnancy (which is what distinguishes them from the above examples), but to avoid spreading the virus to their husband/wife. 

When viewed from that perspective, is it really unacceptable to use a condom for a medical purpose such as that?  Being in the adoption process (and being open to adopting HIV+ children), my husband and I have discussed this issue at length (we are lifelong Protestants planning to join the Catholic Church) and couldn’t quite come to a comfortable answer.

The idea that someone born with HIV ought to remain celibate and single doesn’t necessarily sit well with me, in all honesty—probably in part because I have many friends with HIV+ children who are thriving, healthy, and who have very bright futures ahead.

There are 33,300,000 of HIV positive single people worldwide. If you are one of them and you are prepared to become a little brave then You may find that POZmingle. com is just for you. For you will come across new individuals who will certainly become life long friends or Love of life and achieve a degree of self-belief you never would have believed possible.

manualtheist, your situation is not as difficult as you would prefer people believed it to be. furthermore, God is not unaware of your “unique” circumstances, yet He stands firm in His opposition to your willful counseling towards BC methods. from this you should induce logically that there is a flaw in your assessment of the situation. perhaps you have had a bit too much of the ama kool-aid, and you have lost your ability to here our Lord speak. i suggest to you, in accord with my responsibility as a Christian as outlined in Holy Scripture, and in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, to repent of your ways and come back. my best friend is an MD and a faithful Catholic, he has built a thirty year career and a substantial list of patients on his serving the Lord first and the ama second, he does not now, nor has he ever, prescribed artificial contraception, or performed the abortion of which you speak of so casually, as if its a necessity.

Tim baugh:
I don’t know how your friend manages to make every couple accept abstinence. Maybe he evokes his catholic faith and inability to prescribe them anything else or he has the ability to convince them about abstinence, I don’t know. But that is not what the guidelines says. You talk to them about the choices available including risks and benefits of each and allow the couples to make decisions which is what I do. I have never spoken in favor of or against any choice. It is the couple who make the decision. I just offer them what they want. Also I am never casual about abortions; I very well know how significant it is and we do it only if situation and guideline demands so. Even in the situation that I described above if the woman gets pregnant and wants to continue it, we will make all efforts to complete the pregnancy. But if it is going to jeopardize the maternal health at any point, we have no option other than to terminate the pregnancy at that point. That is the guideline.

People living with HIV/AIDS is not that easy. But around 33 million ppl worldwide are infected with HIV/AIDS.
As I know, many good-looking people, including celebrities also find love and support on STDdatings.com. wish you luck and find someone understand you.

I have HIV and I am an engineer who works for the largest STD dating and support site STDslove. com. I have to tell you a secret, you can choose not to believe me. But the truth is that this site has more than 1,880,000 members and about 80% members are good looking in my estimation.

Unfortunately, STD rates soar worldwide and most people with STDs don’t even know that they have them. The government should grant more money for STD education to lower the rates of STD transmission.

Thank you Jennifer for this insightful article on the use of artificial contraception. I have 4 children, two girls, and two boys. My two boys both past away of genetic disorders of which I am a carrier. My first son died of a muscular disorder 13 years ago. My second died of a blood disorder just 8 months ago. Two completely unrelated genetic disorders, two genetic disorders that I am a carrier of and will pass on to my children.  I cannot handle having another child die in my arms. I am barely getting by now in the loss of my second son. Needless to say, I want to avoid pregnancy at all costs. We are a very catholic centered family and don’t want to do anything that is against its teachings. But I often ask the same question: Why can’t there be certain exceptions when the situation is grave? I understand the statistics of the pill/condoms/etc. Even NFP is not 100%. I am in a situation where I need a 100% guarantee that I don’t have any more children. My husband and I have been practicing abstinence since our son’s death. It’s all I could do to guarantee. But I know my husband suffers from this. I know that behind closed doors he finds other means to satisfy his urges. (starts with a ‘P’) This makes me sad.
Will it be so wrong to just get my tubes tied?  I’ve spoken with different priests and asked this question, they all give different answers.

Thanks again Jennifer for the insight.

Dear TRS,
I am a faithful Catholic man just over 45 yrs old, never married and have the same problem you have in finding a good Catholic woman. Have you tried AveMariaSingles.com? but you will not die from loneliness, I offer up my loneliness for the conversion of sinners.

“Condoms have a substantial failure rate for AIDS transmission. The risk of fatal infection is quantifiably significant. Among heterosexual couples studied using condoms in which one partner was infected, 30 percent became infected within the year” (M. Fischl, “Evaluation of Heterosexual Partners, Children, and Household Contacts of Adults with AIDS,” Journal of the American Medical Association 257 [1987]: 447–449).

“Condom use was not significantly associated with protection against infection” (Padian, Windlestein, et al, “Male-to-Female Transmission of Human Immunodeficiency Virus,” Journal of the American Medical Association 257 (1987): 788).

“There are no clinical (human) data supporting the value of condoms in preventing the spread of a range of diseases including . . . human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), the precursor of AIDS” (Lawrence J. McNamee, M.D., Brian F. McNamee, M.D., AIDS: The Nation’s First Politically Protected Disease. National Medical Legal Publishing House, 1988, 102–113).

To CSB, the ends never justify the means, sterilization is a mortal sin so the only moral option is NFP or total abstinence. I know this is a heavy cross to bear, but God will help you carry it. Also, your husband needs help with his problem may I suggest http://www.dads.org/strugglewithporn.asp, otherwise your marriage will be sorely tested, I will pray a rosary for you and your family. Trust in Jesus.

CSB - there IS a way to make NFP almost 100% effective…find a doc who will give you a blood test post-peak to confirm that you have ALREADY ovulated, then wait 48 hours…then you are absolutely certain you will not get pregnant between then and when your next cycle starts…giving you 7 days or so a month guaranteed no pg…then you abstain again until next blood test…

Please see a faithful doc (through sonewhere like Pope Paul VI institute or a NaPro doc) to confirm this…a cross to be sure, but one that can be carried with the help of Christ!

The statistic about contracting AIDS while using condoms is from 2004 and no longer accurate. New HIV drugs reduce a person’s rate of infection and new studies suggest if an HIV-negative partner uses these drugs as well, it protects them from infection. Children born with HIV should not be denied intimacy, that is asking the child to suffer for a decision he or she did not make. The church’s stance on contraception is antiquated and unfair to women.

site admin, can you remove my email from the name line of the previous comment? my autofill setting put that there and i didn’t notice. thanks.

CSB:  I am not an authority on Church teaching, (not a priest, etc.) but do my best to be a faithful Catholic and I hope you don’t mind if I respond.  You may already know/do all these things, but it seems like you are reaching out. So… (In other words, I am just “some guy” in a Catholic Com box.  But I have been through several years of married abstinence. So take this for what it’s worth.)

First:  Surely you and your husband are being called to be particularly united with Christ as He has allowed you to experience so much suffering.  When I read your post, I couldn’t help but think of Job and his reaction to suffering.  (If you haven’t read the book of Job, you may find it helpful) He rejoiced!  You may be able to do the same as God is giving you and your husband a VERY CLEAR path to sainthood.  Isn’t that something?  You are being SPECIALLY called to be a saint!

So here are my tips.  Again for what they are worth…

For you both:
* Pray pray pray.  The Rosary often, at least daily.  (When you pray it, immerse your heart completely in the life of Christ) The Chaplet of Divine Mercy daily.  The Liturgy of the Hours, Adoration.  Have others pray for you.  Pray to your patron saints, to ALL angels and saints.  Don’t stop praying.  As we are told, “Pray constantly.”  Make your life a prayer.  Every thought every action, a prayer, an offering, a sacrificial gift to God.

* Worthily receive the sacraments as often as possible, especially Confession and The Eucharist.  Daily Mass if you can.

* Read the scriptures- daily.

* Share your experiences with a good spiritual director if you can find one and with faithful and close Catholic friends.  You need support.  Don’t be afraid to seek out a good Catholic Counselor as well.

* Meditate on the thought that your treasure is being stored in Heaven and ask yourself how much treasure in Heaven might cost.  It is not free (look at Our Lord).  But you will be some day!  (Rejoice - again!) :)

For your husband, the same plus:
*  Make St. Joseph and your Guardian Angel your “best friends”. Call on their aid CONSTANTLY.  St. Joseph “Most Chaste Spouse” - married to the kindest, most perfect and most beautiful woman ever?  How did HE do it?  With God’s help alone.  Call on him. He can help you!

* Go to confession.  WEEKLY if you can.  Yes, really. Particularly if “P” is an issue.  You can not conquer that.  Period.  However, God will have no problem conquering that for you, or any problem. Bam! done. But the confessional is your path to that help from God and to maintaining your purity. (And WOW! When HE does, your life will change!  Everything becomes easier.)

* Every hug of your beautiful wife is a sacrifice. It is a gift to her and a GIFT to GOD.  It is, especially for a man, an excruciating thing, but it CAN become a JOYFUL thing when, each time you have physical contact you think to yourself, “For you, Dear Wife” and “TO YOU DEAR LORD!”  Wow is this hard to do, but… it CAN become doable and a beautiful offering.  It can become easy and very moving.  Suddenly you look forward to physical contact again and to that offering to God and your wife.

* Try looking at your wife (and ALL women) as you might imagine God sees their souls.  Imagine them as the pure souls he made them, as they looked to Him as infants.  It helps.  Each woman - not a “babe” but a baby - God’s living work.

* Ponder the Passion of Jesus.  Think about it constantly.  You are closest to Him when you are up there nailed to the Cross next to him.  It hurts, but the pay off…..

You really are NOT alone.  You are part of this Mystical Body of Christ.  I will personally unite my prayers with yours and especially your husband’s.  Fear nothing. FEAR NOTHING!

I hope this helps at least a little bit.

Jennifer:  I apologize for the lengthy response in your blog and thank you for your awesome article!  (BTW your other blog - HILARIOUS!)

God bless you all!

What I’m reading here is that condoms don’t prevent pregnancy: if condoms are only about 90.4% effective, they reduce the likelihood of pregnancy, but don’t rule it out.

So, what’s the story with married couples using condoms, not to prevent pregnancy, but to reduce the likelihood? Should be ok, no?

Dear Jen,

Great job. Finally someone pointing out that contraception is anything other than the perfect solution.

You said some tough things that needed to be said!

God bless you, you told the truth.

To Rob,
Read your catechism, ALL contraceptive methods including condoms are mortally sinful, since one of the primary purposes of marriage is to have children.

To frances,
2004 was not that long ago, so there is still a probability of infecting another. The Churches teaching about Love is that love is a constant preference for the good of the other, so the if HIV infected person truly loves, then even 1% probability would be unacceptable to infect the one loved (spouse as well as the child conceived), therefore it is not the Church so much that denies the person intimacy, but the person denies himself that intimacy because LOVE demands it. I know it is a heavy cross and there will be a great reward in heaven. Imagine yourself in a situation where your decision caused the death of a loved one.

To Catholic4Good: Thank you for the website and for your prayers.  I’ve fowarded to my husband.
To Carla: Thanks for the tip on NFP.  I’m looking into it, and will discuss with my GP.
To Learning: Everything you said is everything we already know.  But we always need to be reminded of it.  Thank you.

I am currently looking for a good Catholic centered cousellor, but haven’t found yet.  The grief therapist I was seeing told me to go on the pill because emotionally I would not be able to take another loss.  She did not at all understand where I was coming from with my faith.  She thought I was crazy.  I stopped seeing her. 

It’s a trying time for us, and for me.  I pray so hard to accept this cross we were given…..but still have feelings of anger that we have it in the first place.

I am inspired by many of the stories I read here.  Thank you for your prayers.

I hope my post was not insulting.  Something did tell me that you probably knew those things or you would not have made it this far!  Then again, knowing is one thing and doing is another.  Sometimes it helps to have the encouragement and reminder.  (At least it helps me!)

Anyway, I had heard of this group before and maybe they have some helpful resources for you:  http://www.catholictherapists.com/  I also noticed they mention the NCR so I assume it is ok to provide this link.  There are other sites out there as well.

I have not used them, but a Catholic Psychiatrist (MD) was CRITICAL to my wife’s situation, and life saving.

One final thought:  It occurred to me at some point that I only needed to wait X number of years before my wife would hit menopause.  I know that may sound crazy, but it actually DID help me to know that I might only need to wait for about a decade and I thought I could give that up.

God bless you. You will be in our Rosary intentions.

Dear CSB,

Learning’s post jogged my memory regarding your search for a faithful Catholic therapist.  If you have not heard of them, the Pastoral Solutions Institute is a Catholic counseling agency that specializes among other things in tele-counseling via the phone.  They are very careful to make sure that your situation is one in which such counseling can be useful, so if they think that you need something more in person, they will tell you so.

The institute is headed by Dr. Gregory Popcak who is a well-known Catholic speaker, author, and licensed psychologist who shares a radio show with his wife called More2Life, which incorporates the teachings of Blessed John Paul the Great on the Theology of the Body with good Catholic psychological counseling (formerly called Heart, Mind, and Strength).  You can listen to their show at Ave Maria Radio (avemariaradio.net online) at 11am CT/12pm ET if you want to get an idea of their orthodoxy and counseling ability before you call!

That might be the perfect solution to your dilemma though, and they will without a doubt give you sound Catholic advice and a loving ear.  I hope it’s okay to share their website -http://www.exceptionalmarriages.com/about.htm and if not, you could google their name “Pastoral Solutions Institute”.

Your cross is a very heavy one, and I wouldn’t be ashamed in any way of having some resentment at having been given it.  Pain and suffering in our lives is a bad thing, but God being God, He can make such great good come out of it if we let Him work in our lives and give us the grace we want to.  But even for all that, we’re human.  God’s big, He can handle you being angry at Him.  He knows why, He knows you’re fragile, He made you.

Whenever I am tempted to be angry or depressed about the crosses God puts in my life, Padre Pio always sends me a gentle reminder.  He says “Keep your eyes fixed on Him who is your guide to the heavenly country, where He is leading you. What does it matter to you whether Jesus wishes to guide you to Heaven by way of the desert or by the meadow, so long as He is always with you and you arrive at the possession of a blessed eternity?”

I don’t think there’s a question that we’d all prefer the meadow.  But your goal is Heaven, and like someone earlier said, God has given you a very clear path to sanctity.  Most of us would love to know what our roads need to be, we pray and discern all the time.  That doesn’t mean the path will be easy, by any means.  But God will give you the grace to walk it, if you’ll let Him, and like Simon of Cyrene He’ll help you carry that cross.  You most definitely have my prayers during your time of heartache and struggle!

Forty six years ago nearly to the day of this article, the U.S. Supreme Court issued its decision in the case of Griswold v. Connecticut, in which the court held that laws forbidding the sale and use of contraceptives was unconstitutional.

I mention this because, as a non-Christian posting a comment to the National Catholic Register, I believe it is important to remind all you people of faith that the laws of this country do not favor one religion, yours or mine, over anyone else’s religion.

I laud you all for your faith and your commitment to your beliefs, but I caution you that you have no right to codify your religion into America’s laws.

Regardless of all the points raised in Ms. Fulwiler’s article, poignant though they may be, it remains the right of the individual to decide for themselves whether or not to use contraception.

Glen,
That’s what the popes, particularly this current pope, have been preaching about for years: moral relativism. The decisions handed down from the U.S. Supreme Court do not constitute whether something is moral or not. Legal, maybe. But not necessarily moral. There is an OBJECTIVE truth. When something is decided upon by a state (i.e. the US Supreme Court) and it coincides with good moral consciousness, then we can abide by the law. But, if it’s a bad law, we have a moral obligation to overturn it (i.e. abortion). Look at slavery, look at child labor laws, women’s rights, etc…It was the religious people of this country that led the charge in getting those immoral laws overturned. So, thank God for the Christians in this country. Just because you have freedom to do something, does not automatically mean that you will make the right choice - morally speaking. Don’t forget: You have the freedom to be wrong.

Hey there, Glen! 

First, I would point out that I didn’t notice anyone here specifically advocating for the outlaw of contraception.  BUT… since you brought it up… your point has to do with the law and laws are ALWAYS about values.  (Name one that isn’t.)  Where do these values come from?  This is another huge are of debate.  Safe to say that legal tradition mostly began as rooted at least in some kind of natural law.

We have safety laws (helmets, speed limits, prostitution, etc.) to protect individuals from hurting themselves and the community, for instance.  (This is a fact with with libertarians may argue, but it remains true).  Bottom line is that individuals have NEVER been completely free to do whatever they want.  Because some people are idiots or jerks, complete freedom would result in chaos.  This is one reason why we have laws. 

But it can easily be argued, from a purely secular perspective, that the widespread use contraception causes harm to the community, individuals and the environment.

If your argument is that it performs some good, I would disagree, but lets leave that aside.  It still causes harm.  For example, do you know that male fish in the Potomac River are becoming female due to the huge amount of female human hormones that are flushed into it from women on the pill?  Are you an environmentalist?  So let’s move to condoms then…

I’ve heard that the City of San Fransisco is spending millions of dollars to repair/replace sewage lines that have been jammed with used condoms.  (Disgusted?  I am.)

We have a decline in the population rate that is going to overburden us with trying to support our aging population.  Perhaps the answer to that, then, is euthanasia.  That is Europe’s approach (in places).  Sure let’s kill the old people or let them die.  In fact, the more old die, the more sex the young can have.  This is one reason we even have a term, “The Culture of Death”.  There is a connection between: making sex the POINT of ones life, and…death.

Most importantly is the damage that is done to young women and men.  Contraceptive culture is destructive to women and men.  The loss of a woman’s dignity when she becomes an object of pleasure is not without consequence or harm.  The psychological costs in dollar terms alone are staggering let alone the dollar costs in anti-depressant drugs, suicide, crime and abuse, etc. 

Men, too, are the (mostly willing) victims of this.  Look at Japan, where social media and computer games have supplanted the personal relationship. When sex actually does happen between living people it produces… pleasure.  That’s it.  What has happened to their society?  What is the suicide rate like? Look at their populate stats!  The country is DYING!  And so it ours… it is just taking longer.

These issues are very tightly related to the culture of the homosexual lifestyle as well.  To me the issue is not homosexuality per se, but HYPERsexuality.  (I am speaking as a quite “healthy” married man, who has “been there” and knows what this is all about.)  When does identifying yourself by your sexual proclivities become important?  relevant?  When does it become a symptom of a national disease?  I don’t walk up to people and introduce myself as a straight man.  That is a part of my nature - just not the most important part.  Why then must some parade (literally sometimes) their sex habits as their main identifying characteristic? I really don’t care.  I just want to know if you are a GOOD person.  This hyper-sexual society is aberant, lacking in redemptive qualities, and ultimately, destructive and expensive.

This is the tip of the iceberg.  One could easily list 20 more examples of real damage and harm that the contraceptive culture causes. None of those needs to be “religious”.

In the end, the question becomes:  How far are we willing to go as a society so that we may all have sensual pleasure?  Is any cost too great?  From a Catholic point of view the answer to that is clear. From a secular perspective it becomes a matter of opening ones eyes to the collateral damage of the culture of death. 

I expect your view may be that the “good” (“unwanted” children not born into poverty and to “unprepared” parents) may outweigh the bad I mention.  But a fair minded (and non-religious) person has reason to disagree.

God bless you!

Why is it that every now and again, we have somebody like Glen who needs to condescendingly remind us that we “ought not to impose our views on others” to say nothing of “favoring one religion over another” when nobody here was advocating the outlawing of contraceptives?

But that aside, we have a right to point out that we think that contraception is wrong.  After all, some of us “religious people” have had long, hard experience with the supposed “panacea” of contraception and “sexual freedom,” and therefore ask hard questions of the usual secular orthodoxy, especially the sexual revolution.  That certain people expect us to shut up begs the question and try to bias every discussion by framing it as a specifically “religious issue”:  who is imposing their views on whom, especially when enough people would like to think that we have no right to voice our views in the public square?  Furthermore, and more importantly, as two other commenters have pointed out, these aren’t primarily religious issues.  They have particular material and psychological consequences for our families and for our children.

And another hard question for you that is not specifically “religious”:  to what extent does the right of the individual trump the common good?  Especially in a climate of moral relativism?

Glen, you protest far too much.

The article points out an important fact that seems lost on a contracepting society - artificial contraceptives may reduce the chances that one will become pregnant, but it cannot change the fact that having sexual intercourse may result in pregnancy.

All of the arguments brought forward against contraception were part of the discussions at the commission debating changing the church’s policy at the time of Vatican II. I followed that closely. The commission was 75% in favor of changing. The bureaucrats in the Curia, afraid of that outcome, added more people to the group. The result was still 75% in favor of change. Then they added a bunch of more bishops. The result was still the same. Curial bureaucrats are a crafty bunch and no match for the commission. With access to the Vatican archives they convinced the pope that there was enough evidence against contraception that if he accepted their recommendation it would be to admit that the “magisterium” had erred. When a man becomes a bishop, no less than a cardinal or pope it must change their DNA because they will never, ever admit to having been wrong. Never mind that the “magisterium” has been egregiously wrong in the past.

The chair couple of the Christian Family Movement were members of that commission. They had conducted a poll of their members on the issue. Three quarters said that following the rule against contraception caused great stress and strain in their marriage. Three quarters also said that NFP did not work for them. There is a scriptural saying which is apt for this. By their fruits you will know them. The result of Humanae Vitae has been millions of people leaving the church, many marriages under grest stress and many broken. To this I would add the words of Jesus directed to these modern day scribes and Pharisees when He said, “woe to you scribes and Pharisees who place great burdens upon the people and lift not a finger to help them.”

Before anyone takes the example of a few cases or testimonies and tries to extract sweeping overall conclusions, remember that everyone is different in their sexual makeup and drives and don’t presume to know what others are experiencing. And to you NFP devotees try following all those proceedures when you have four or five young babies demanding your attention and time. Next Sunday look around your church and see how many children each family has. If they aren’t using contraception then there will be lots of 6, 7, 8 and more children in each family. As has been discussed on other church issues any Vatican ruling which is universally rejected by the people of God, the whole church, is not binding, the neocons notwithstanding.

JEC,
You fail to point out how many people are BECOMING Catholic. Take for instance the current Episcopalian Church. How ironic: Many that left the Catholic Church became Episcopalian - including some priests (i.e. Fr. Albert Cutie). And that same institution - in part - is requesting FULL communion with the Catholic faith. This means they are FULLY accepting ALL the teachings of the faith - including no contraception!

Also, can you point out for me in the Bible where it says that you CAN use contraception?

You also fail to point out all the things in Humane Vitae that Paul IV said would happen if contraception was utilized: more divorce, more breakdown of family, etc…Is it just coincidence, or was it prophetic?
By the way, no contraception is part of the mentality that has caused problems in this society: to not see children as blessings but to see them as burdens instead. Contraception is not 100%. And there are countless couples who can’t get pregnant without contraception, either because of infertility or some other reason. And they are willing to adopt. Again, it’s about a mentality.

It would do you good to read ALL of the document.

Rafael. One third of all those baptized Catholic have left the church in the U.S. Total church membership would be much different except for the influx of hispanics, legal and illegal. Losses in Europe are much greater. Those joining the church from several Protestant religions are relatively small and those are extremely conservative theologically. How do yoou know they accept the church’s position on contraception? Polls show 85% of Catholics do not and all those 1, 2 or 3 child families aren’t doing that without contraception. It would do you good to read all the theology out there which is outside of those who just repeat the party line put out by the modern day scribes and Pharisees.

JEC,

One only needs to look at Good Friday and see how many people were at the foot of the cross. Where were all His friends? His disciples?

It doesn’t matter what the numbers “show” because polls don’t persuade me; a lot of research is biased and used to influence people. And not everyone is included in polls: They never polled me. Following polls is like a politician being swayed by what they think or what they should say according to what the polls reflect.

With that, I understand the different reasons why people have disagreements with the Catholic Church and maybe why they leave. I was one of them. I was a “progressive” Catholic in the 90s (i.e. questioning the magisterium, pro-women priests, pro-contraception, etc…). I ended up leaving to become a Protestant for a period. I didn’t think it was wise to stay Catholic if I didn’t agree with the Church. I felt more “free” once I left. In my venture out of the Church, I did explore other “theologies” (i.e. Buddhism, Unitarianism, Protestantism, Zen, Hinduism). Yet, none of them were as fulfilling. In my return home to the Church, I learned a lot of what I never knew as a Catholic previously, which is a common problem: poor catechesis. Since my return, I’ve discovered that there are cradle Catholics who don’t even know the basics of the faith - and still remain Catholic. In my opinion, that’s tragic! It took me, unfortunately, a venture out of Catholicism to discover what I had all along. Had I stayed as a “progressive” Catholic, I would never have grown in my faith. I would still be trying to fight the “establishment” from within. The Catholic Church does not force anyone to be a member. If one does not like it, I believe they should leave. It’s not a democracy that involves disingruntled “citizens” to “vote” for a better candidate or policies. No doubt reform in the Church is always necessary. But, it’s a reform to get CLOSER to God - not away from Him.

There’s no such thing as a “liberal” or “conservative” Catholic: You’re either Catholic or you’re not. So when you site statistics saying that “85% of Catholics do not…,” it’s an erroneous claim because by virtue of the fact that they call themselves Catholic and engage in anti-Catholic practices or doubt the fundamental truths of the faith (i.e Jesus’ real presence in the Eucharist) already makes them non-Catholic. So, ALL Catholics ARE in favor of the practices of the church - both the popular ones and the unpopular ones! That’s what it means to be Catholic. Just like politicians who publicly make the claim that they are Catholic yet hold positions that are anti-Catholic: They have ex-communicated themselves. And they should not be going to communion because to receive His Body and Blood means that you agree with everything the Church stands for. Jesus’ Church and Him are the same. They are one. It is made up of sinners - and some bad sheppards. But, in matters of faith and morals and salvation, it is the complete, fullness of the Truth.

Ultitmately, it boils down to follwing Jesus. Jesus established a Church and a teaching authority and a visible head. Fact! To not believe that does not make you a bad person. It just means that you have not been given the complete Truth - maybe a piece of the truth. To know it and DENY it is a different story. But even then God is merciful and allows “U-turns”. Just because a person is “open-minded” does not mean that they are automatically going to make a good choice. By virtue of being “open” to other things does not automatically guarantee that you have made a right decision. You are given free will. Yet, you have to accept the consequences of your actions and decisions if you are wrong. Sin is not subject to a “relative” truth (i.e. if you think you’re not sinning, then you’re not). Our consciences need to be properly formed.

The “Scribes” and Pharisees” of today are those who try and impose a morality on us that is contrary to Jesus’s teachings: moral relativism, environmentalism, secularism, feminism, “reverse” racism, socialism, materialism,“homosexualism”, “abortionism”, non-judgmentalism, atheism, Utopianism, etc…In the United States, they attempt to sway public opinion utilizing the media, public education, etc… And they utilize the courts (the state) to pass into LAW that which coincides with the basic moral fiber of this country. Regardless of what immoral virtue gets passed into law, the OBJECTIVE Truth of Jesus will never change. “Jesus the same yesterday, today, and forever.” We are not telling others how to live by being witnesses to Christ: It’s always an invitation! We would hope to be an instument and a “light” to the world. But, the “scribes” and “pharisees” of today are NOT going to tell us -much more - FORCE us how to live and think by telling us what we can or can’t do ,or what we can or can’t say. This type of “white” martyrdom is what we are experiencing in this Culture of Death.

I hope this gives you a little insight into some of the incomplete beliefs that you hold about the Catholic faith. Thankfully, it’s not up to me to convict anyone: That’s the job of the Holy Spirit. conviction is an ongoing process. Even today, doubt creeps its ugly head. If it can happen to Jesus’ closest friends, why not me?! And I don’t claim to have all the answers. But, I know Who does. And His name is Jesus.

God Bless You and good luck in your search. I pray that you trust in Him for he will lead you to Him - even if you have to be away from Him for a while!
Rafael

What a beautiful message, Jennifer. God has truly blessed you to be able to communicate the topic so well.

Thank you for what you are doing to build up the Kingdom of God!

There is one thing you and I agree on Rafael and that is that what is important is following Jesus. This is after all His church. It is not the church of the pope or the roman curia. I challenge myself constantly on what I believe and what I say. I pray every day to know God’s will and to follow it. I believe the Holy Spirit is speaking to the church today through the people of God as He has always done. As to current church leadership just look at what has happened on their watch. We are both trying to divine God’s will and to follow it. I choose to find it through prayer and the Eucharist not through the modern day scribes and Pharisees. In Christ’s time the scribes and Pharisees were those who clung to the status quo and the old law. They resisted Christ just as today the entrenched leadership clings to their power and the fresh breeze that the Spirit is blowing thrpughout the church.

Great article!
Re the situation of post partum depression, there is REAL, immediate help with NaProTechnology!  Women with this history deserve to know of the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Research of Human Reproduction www.popepaulvi.com and it’s great success in addressing all gynecological and reproductive disorders, as well as offering an NFP that is proven MORE effective than the Pill.

Great article.  Learning and Rafael, I agree with your comments.  I wish people that want the Catholic Church to change with the culture would just leave and start their own church like any good Protestant would do.

I am surprised at the negative comments made on the use of Birth Regulation authorised by Holy Mother Church.
Having taught Fertility Awareness for over 30 years I can only think that they come from those who were self taught or could not find a proper trained teacher. The ony failure couples I have taught have been a user failure.
After Ovulation, that is not necessary to have a blood test from a doctor to find out if it has taken place!
If a women has ovulated and allows time 4 daysafter peak, allowing for twins, it is considered to be 100% effective. The way The Lord made us in the beginning.
Obviousley one has to be prepared for abstinence, but with a loving husband that is not impossible.
One has to be abstinent during lots of time during pregnancy, illness, and ‘possibly’ menstrual flow.Sorry for a late post,I have only just seen the posts.

I know parents feel like it is incumbent upon them to solve every potential problem of a future child, but it’s really not. 
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Micah: Wow.  I’m not a fan by any stretch of the imagination, but even I don’t believe they are that diabolical. 
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Manuatheist: I knew a teacher who had as a personal motto, “People always find time for the things they *want* to do.”  Blaming it on the guidelines is very convenient, but the guidelines are not superior to your right of conscience (which, unfortunately, some refuse to recognize). 
“Only thing we are afraid is that they accept abstinence and we take their word and they finally end up pregnant and we are in a situation to do an abortion.”  Replace the word ‘abstinence’ with ‘contraception.’  What’s the difference?  Sure, you can prescribe people pills and explain how to use them, but are you going to make a house call and stand awkwardly in the bathroom with them every night?
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Frances: I guess I have suffered for 25 years then, but you wouldn’t know it…you can’t miss what you never had.  And contraception has plenty of unfair implications for women. We’ve been seduced by the idea that we can have sex with no repercussions, and that this is primarily in our best interest, but is it really?  I think the answer is, obviously not.  I wish women would ask themselves, and be prepared to answer honestly, whether they would be sleeping with this particular man if not for contraception.  If the answer is no, why are they doing it, what makes it suddenly okay?  If the answer is yes, they’d do it anyway, who needs the pill?
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Glen: my being Catholic does not disqualify me from American citizenship and all its accompanying privileges, including the exercise of my conscience at the ballot box and trying to have a positive impact on the society I live in.
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JEC: If they viewed it as “changing the Church’s policy” then they were wrong from the get-go.  It’s not a policy and not subject to change by vote.  Popular opinion is the final arbiter of whether Church doctrine is binding?  That is news to me.  And I really suggest you stop looking around at Mass and trying to determine who “does” and “doesn’t.”  First, it’s crass, nosy, offensive, and generally unChristian.  It reminds me of when one of my neighbors had the gall to ask me if my roommate was a lesbian (oh yes, I listen at the door all the time, natch!  Jeez).  Second, you can’t know that because as many have pointed out, fertility differs from person to person.  Third, you should be paying attention to the Mass and to your own self, in that order.