I have a bad habit of biting off more than I can chew. I don't know whether it's due more to a gross overestimation of my capacity to multitask, or an utter lack of comprehension of how many hours are in a day, but I've started many conversations with spiritual directors with the words, "Help! I'm totally overwhelmed!"
I've come to accept that I'll probably never cure this tendency once and for all. I recently got things back on track after a crazy start to Fall, but I'm sure that I'll find myself in over my head again at some point in the future (read: I'll be lucky to survive the holiday season). The one nice thing is that I have a lot of experience under my belt in the skill of digging oneself out of mountains of chaos, and have amassed an excellent collection of insights that I learned from from wise friends and advisors over the years. When I find myself in those inevitable seasons where I feel lost in a jungle of to-do lists and deadlines, these are the top strategies that always help me find my way out again:
1. Pray about it
This one seems so obvious that it shouldn't even need to be mentioned. However, probably as often as four out of five times, when I go to my spiritual director with complaints of being overwhelmed and he asks me if I've prayed about it, my answer is a sheepish "No." One of the side effects of being too maxed out is that we run around under a constant sense of urgency, feeling like there's no time to think, let alone to pray. I've found that taking the time to re-evaluate my life through the eyes of God is immeasurably helpful, and is sometimes even the only thing I need to do in order to get things back on a healthy, stable track.
2. Ruthlessly make time to get away
"...But I don't have time to pray!" is often my knee-jerk reaction when I'm reminded of this should-be-totally-obvious solution to my problems. If you're running from one thing to the next, barely getting through each day before you collapse into bed at the end of the night, you're not going to have the mental space you need to reflect on your situation in any meaningful capacity. Schedule time to get away, by yourself, without distractions. And 15 or 30 minutes isn't enough -- it'll probably take you that long just to get all the junk out of your head so that you can get to a calm and peaceful state of mind. If your life is anything like mine, finding even one or two hours of uninterrupted time to yourself might be a surprisingly difficult thing to do, but if you're overwhelmed you need to make it your highest priority. Cancel plans, call in sick, move things around in your calendar -- whatever you need to do to find the time to clear your head and think and pray about your situation.
3. Ask your spouse for blunt advice
A lot of times the people who are closest to us notice problems in our lives, but haven't said anything out of politeness or fear of causing an argument. Tell your spouse (or a trusted friend or family member) how you feel, and ask if he or she has any advice for you -- and make it clear that you're open to any thoughts, even if they might not be what you want to hear. (Also, an important tip based on lots of personal experience: If you begin the conversation with a 10-minute litany of everything that's bad in your life and immediately knock down any attempts at advice with excuses about why it wouldn't work, this conversation is probably not going to yield good results. After you've explained your situation, sit back and just listen.)
4. Re-think the term "have to"
I have to take the kids to that practice this afternoon. I have to host that big dinner party next month. I have to finish that guest post for a friend's blog by tomorrow. I have to make that ridiculously complicated recipe I put on the meal calendar for tonight in a moment of temporary insanity. These kinds of thoughts pave the path to Chaos Land -- and I've noticed that the more burned out I become, the more power those "have to" feelings have over me. While it's important to be reliable and stick to our commitments, there also comes a time to admit when we're in over our heads, and ask the people around us for mercy. I am surprised by what a warm, positive response I've gotten when I've had to contact folks and explain that I'm completely overwhelmed, and need to request a change in plans. We're always able to find a solution that works for everyone, and people often tell me that they too have been feeling overwhelmed and are now inspired to scale back their own commitments.
5. Distinguish "good stress" from "bad stress"
There have been times that I've felt pushed to my limit, and with the help of wise counselors I've determined that I'm right where God wants me, and I'm just going through a crunch time that will soon pass. There are other times, however, when I've come to realize that the feelings of stress and exhaustion that have been consuming me are signs that something is seriously off track. In the case of the former situations, when I take the time to consider where I am mentally and spiritually, I see that I'm experiencing "good stress": I still feel close to God, my relationship with my husband and children hasn't suffered, I am ultimately happy that my life is where it is -- I can even laugh at the craziness of my situation, even if my days are hard. The occasions of "bad stress" are completely different: My relationship with God and my family has suffered, I regularly feel resentful or angry, each night I feel a sense of dread of what the next day may bring, and I don't see anything amusing about any of it. Bad stress inevitably indicates that this is not just a normal phase that I need to grit my teeth and get through; it's a glaring red warning sign that something is wrong and needs to change.
6. Take an unflinching look at your biggest commitments
Financial advisors tell people experiencing money problems to look at their largest fixed expenses first: If your mortgage payment is way too high, clipping grocery coupons isn't going to do that much to turn your finances around. The same goes for our time commitments. If you're feeling completely maxed out, the problem is not likely to be that you're "wasting" 30 minutes watching your favorite show on Monday night. Look at the big areas of life like your job, your recurring social commitments, your daily household routine, the activities you have your kids involved in, etc., and with each one, carefully ask, "Am I doing what God wants me to be doing in this department?" -- and be open to wherever that question may lead you, even if the answer scares you.
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January of this year, I created a detailed daily plan, with every 30 minutes accounted for, to make certain I accomplished “the important things”. Each week, I bemoaned failure in being able to “do it all.” Finally, I decided to review each 30 minutes of my plan to figure out what was wrong.
Right there, on Monday morning, I found it. Waking at 4 a.m., I had devotional time, prayer, breakfast and travel time to arrive at work at 6:30. I left out only one thing…getting dressed for work. No matter how you cut it, that requires 30 minutes every day of my life, and I hadn’t allowed for it.
OK…a stupid mistake. But it highlights how much we have forgotten what a basic day looks like. Modern life literally begs us to dive into distractions and guilts us with fear that we will “fall behind” and “not be relevant.”
Take two days, strip away everything but the basics…wake…dress…eat…pray…and REST. Then figure out what things in life are REALLY important and worthy of giving time to, adding them into our life one at a time. We can dismiss much of what grabs our attention…and we must dismiss it, if we want to own our life and receive the blessing of peace promised by our faith.
I love Jane’s comment about getting back to basics. Prayer is a basic that I overlooked for the first 35 years of my life. I can miss a meal or a few hours of sleep occasionally, but without Jesus & Mary, I am completely lost!
I third the “getting back to basics”. Strip it down to life and death and love essentials. I fought this idea for years. I have always had this tendency to let my ego dictate what I think my life *should* look like—all the good things a woman should want but with a (in hindsight) toxic sprinkling of “Stepford Wives”. The ideas I had were mostly virtuous, but unrealistic, and in the wrong order. I finally had my “Pottery Barn/Restoration Hardware-life” wrested from my psyche by God.
I would add #7: learn to say NO - For your sanity and those that surround you. It’s not being selfish, it’s being prudent. Just because something might be a good idea, that does not mean it is something you need to tackle at the present.
Thank you for writing this article, Jennifer! Your blog is a source of great inspiration, support, and wisdom for me (and many others!). Thank you for sharing your gift with all of us!
Confront your anxieties! Mine have been known to win from time to time….
Thanks, Jen.
We have a large family, and back when we had five kids under eight, it was almost all “good stress”. Now, with a few young ones still at home for home schooling, and several in high school and college, I’m finding that what is causing me stress is the world. High school sports season feels like torture to me. The high school kids miss tests because of leaving early for games, need rides to school to make up those tests, do not get home until 6:00 so miss that afternoon family bonding time, and have so much homework that they can barely get the sleep they need, let alone help with the chores they ought to. The inevitably leave lots of stuff lying around when they’re getting ready for school in the morning. The coaches schedule tournaments on Saturdays, and either tournaments or school practice on school holidays, and there are occasional Sunday car washes in order to raise money. Having to support them though this period means I am less able to do the rest of my job. The whole family suffers. By the end of sports season, it feels like our household is falling apart.
I don’t see any way out other than asking them to drop out of sports. This is a regular high school team, not one of those elite club teams, and there are no recreational sports, so this is their least intense option. Dropping to a lower level is impossible; dropping out or staying in are the only options. If asked to drop out, they would then feel resentful, and in any case, my husband would not be in favor of it, so we could not, as a couple, make that decision.
Yet I still think this is “bad stress” because the system is wrong. It’s too competitive and time consuming, and it is stressful for all of us, including the girls.
It was helpful to me to simply recognize that this is “bad stress” and it is okay to acknowledge that and be sad about it.
ask yourself, “Who am I trying to impress?”. I don’t mean it sarcastically. we put ourselves under pressure to meet some standard, and where or from whom does that standard come?
THANK YOU, Jennifer for this column! Yesterday, I looked at the entries in my planner, looked at the entropy that threatens to take over my home, and felt totally, completely overwhelmed. At that point, I prayed, “Help me God because I don’t even know where to begin.” Today, I see your column…a day later, but still very timely. God bless you!
@Stressed out sports Mom, when I discussed not signing up three of my boys for soccer with my spiritual director yesterday,(and some lingering guilt) he laughed and did a mini rant about how stressful team sports are for Moms now. He told me that he thought that it was the Dads that should be playing “pick up” games with each other, and kids’ team sports are out of control. I wanted to hug him.
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