My old boyfriend received this list in an email about five years ago. To this day, I have never laughed so hard and for so long as we did that day when we read it.
The one that set us over the top in laughing to the point of crying was the Bean Super.
Thanks for bringing back such happy memories.
-Lisa

I’ve worked for a church for 16 years this week…and these have been circulating at least that long. I keep hoping they’ll add some new ones, because people send them to us all the time. ;)

Here are two more:

“This being Easter Sunday, Mrs. Johnson of the Catholic Daughters will come forward and lay an egg on the altar at the Offertory.”

“The parish is organizing a Little Mothers Club. Any ladies interested in becoming Little Mothers may go see the pastor in his study.”

Oh - and this one: “Last week’s Anniversary Mass began as the congregation sang to the bishop, Hail, Holy Queen!”

I just received an email from the new Archdiocesan fund development coordinator. It read: “Dear fiends of ... Theological College and ... Seminary.” Yikes - how did I get on THAT list?!

It’s 2am as I’m reading this and I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.  Thank you. I needed a good laugh.

And there’s always this classic: “Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”

Thank you so much for a lighthearted look at the Church amidst all the darkess and negativity we’ve been faced with lately!

Our church is located on a lake in which there are a large number of striper fish.  I am not a fish or fisherman type person.  But the person who prepared the bulletin insert wasn’t either.  500 copies were inserted in our bulletin and weren’t caught before they were passed out.  It read “Annual Church STRIPPER Tournament Next Sunday:  Sign Up Now.  The Best Team Wins!”  Needless to say we got a lot of phone calls about that one.  :-)

Toooo Funny, I like you almost choked, my co-workers were wondering what was so funny.

The self-esteem group meeting one made me spit out my coffee. My six month old is looking at my like I’m crazy because I can’t stop laughing!. :)

Yep!! It’s fun being a Christian.  +JMJ+

These are priceless! I, too, loved the one on self esteem. A good laugh is always welcome.

I found this on, of all things, a forum for chicken owners a few days ago. Its an absolute hoot!

Wow, very funny, I had to force myself to not laugh too loud at the work hehehe.

Every time I get one of these I hear my English teacher, “proofread, proofread, proofread, punctuation!” She was so right :)

Funny stuff!

thanks for the laugh

“Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.” 

Was in the middle of a bite when reading this one. Sent ramen noodles through my nose…

Gotta love those misplaced modifiers…

Then there are the one-liners;

I attended a mass at a neighboring parish one Sunday.  As it happened there was a baptism at the beginning of the mass.  The baby boy was very quiet and well behaved as he went up with his parents and god parents.  All through the baptism he was a model of serenity.

Later during the mass the newly baptized boy started to kick up a fuss and he had great lungs.  It was loud enough that it caught the attention of the priest who had baptized him, and as the mother carried the baby out the priest said with a grin;

“You know, he was really quiet until he became a Christian.”

The Low Self-Esteem Support Group was a new one on me.

This one was in our bulletin.

“There will be no HOPE at Trinity this week.”

HOPE was the name of a women’s group.  The letters stand for Helping Other People Emotionally.

Good thing the sign-maker didn’t put in “electric chairs” with a side order jab at “overeaters.” “The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.”
  Back in an “evangelical interlude era” of my past years, I used to help out with making up a church’s front sign and one day I almost “gave in to temptation” a-hemmmmm, to replace “contemporary servce” with “contemptible.” No doubt it would’ve caused a major ruckus. But if called upon to plead guilty to their idea of a “mortal” by causing such consternation, I would’ve gladly pled guilty, but only if they’d admit it wouldn’t even rank as a minor variation of a venial sin in a Catholic parish.
  Well, okay, in some parishes where Kumbaya is still the major source of “hymnody” (or hmmmmmmmmmmmbobody likes this crap), I’m sure pastor who’s really into all those boring “hymns” written by guys with “SJ” following their names, would probably see to it there’d be a full scale auto da fe, 21st Century style using Old Sparky instead of the stake and bundles. See what happens to unorthodox sign-makers?
  Wonder if I can request a HUGE plate of blueberry pancakes for my final meal. Hey, it never hurts to ask.

Copied ‘word-for-word’ from last week’s bulletin.

“Ken tells me that we need more people to volunteer.  So here is the appeal!!! If God is calling you to be a minister of the Eucharist, please call Him at this number:.......”

The source is a delightful little book which I can recommend VERY highly, entitled “Anguished English.”  The chapters on courts of law and student papers are even more funny.  Do not read with food or drink.

I, too, viewed this while at work…..trying to not laugh out loud was difficult!

A Nun was giving a Baptism Class for those wishing to teach, she referred about Fr. Tinkle’s tapes on Baptism, then she hesitated and asked if anyone heard Fr. Tinkle.

It’s the hardest I’ve laughed in a ling time, thank you!

long, LOL

VERY VERY VERY FUNNY

Well, I heard this one on Relevant Radio:
A Priest was talking about the New Missal and the way people at Mass must reply now… “And also with you..”
There is a Priest who says out loud “There is something wrong with this microphone…” and people reply “And also with you..” :-)

Hail, Holy Queen, Our Life, Our Sweetness, and Our Death!

Sorry.

Everytime I read these I laugh so hard I cry. I like reading these when things aren’t so good in my laugh. Laughter is the best medicine.

I meant “when things aren’t so good in my life” not laugh. I have read so many of these I am doing a blooper. Thanks and God Bless.

My brother and I loved these! His favorite was the one about, “What is Hell?”...“come see our choir!”

I can’t pick a favorite! Thanks!

I can’t pick a favorite neither. but the one that makes me laugh the hardest is “A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..”