How can we teach our daughters the value of motherhood when so many of us don’t recognize its worth ourselves?
That’s the pressing question Amy Henry takes on in a Mother’s Day column in the Wall Street Journal:
“I was surprised—and even fearful— when my 16-year-old, college-bound daughter, Emily, told me that what she really wants in life is to (eventually) marry and have a bunch of kids.
I’m afraid for her because, four decades into feminism’s push for a woman’s rights, our culture’s view of motherhood (which arguably is the quintessential act of femininity) has yet to budge from once-a-year Hallmark sentiment to anything resembling real respect. We wave our banners for “choice,” which may give a woman who works outside the home an element of admiration, but what if my daughter doesn’t want to? God help her if she, in exercising that choice, decides to stay at home with her children.”
This debate, these “Mommy Wars” are old and cliché by now. But if they are old and cliché, that’s only because they are real. Society’s ambivalence toward women and motherhood leaves many of us in an uncomfortable place. Whether we work full time, stay home full time, or do a little bit of both, many of us are left in a state of continual questioning.
Are we good enough moms? Are we balanced? Are work distractions hurting our families? Are family distractions hurting our work? Are we “wrong” if we make life choices that don’t earn us accolades at cocktail parties? Are we mistaken if our choices don’t mirror those of our own mothers? Or even the mother down the street?
To many of us, it can feel like a no-win situation. As Henry puts it:
“So, if mothering while working outside the home is a guilt-producing juggling act, and working inside it is a job for the nonambitious half-wit, why would any of us want our daughters to have children? We may have come a long way, baby. But just ask a mom who is caught in the fray— we aren’t there yet.”
Even for those of us who truly value our vocations to motherhood, the thorny question Henry asks is how to teach that value to our children:
“But, how exactly do I convey to her that whether or not a mother’s seemingly inconsequential, menial tasks ‘fulfill’ her, nurturing children is innately good and just might surprise her fulfill-o-meter? How can I help her resist the need for affirmation from a culture that will probably never give it to her—and to embrace motherhood not as a second-class citizen, but with the kind of femininity that is paradoxically as strong as nails, as soft as a kiss?
I’m not sure. But someday, when the thumbscrews of mothering start to tighten on her, one thing I will do is remind her that despite her momentary exhaustion or discouragement, mothering remains a profoundly worthwhile undertaking, one that Chesterton calls nothing less extraordinary than ‘the mystery of the making of men.’”
I think perhaps we need not worry so much about the details of communicating the intrinsic value of motherhood to our children. Those of us who wholeheartedly embrace our lives as mothers—day in and day out, despite the physical, emotional, and professional sacrifices it entails—communicate its value to our children in a voice that speaks louder than words.
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It is apparent to me that the author of the article has communicated that same value very well to her daughter….she will be just fine. Great article quotes; thank you. I will be sure to read the whole thing.
“I think perhaps we need not worry so much about the details of communicating the intrinsic value of motherhood to our children. Those of us who wholeheartedly embrace our lives as mothers—day in and day out, despite the physical, emotional, and professional sacrifices it entails—communicate its value to our children in a voice that speaks louder than words.”
I totally agree with you, Danielle. But the voice needs to be louder for those who haven’t had this nurturing, radically, I think.
To this very day, I have never met an equal to my mother’s nurturing spirit and luminous intelligence of common sense knowledge that brought me through many storms. There are times when I finally learned to be hushed about her wisdom (that I so admire) and keep it to myself, and before you know it I am informed through articles, stories, and surveys of new findings with greater and valuable results concerning family and relationships in all the media by accomplished Psychologists, Practitioners, and Teachers, on the very same things that I was taught as a child.?! That only brings me back around to use my voice with more support and enthusiasm which encourage me all the more to honor and write about her mystery.
I truly believe the admiration and wonderment of my mother’s compassionate spirit of giving and serving with love, taught me to be a much better person and was the role model I needed for my journey. Even though I don’t come even close to what she accomplished in her lifetime. Although most people can relate to one another in the ways they are brought up, I have never been able to relate to anyone! I am the middle child of seventeen children. We didn’t have a lot of material things or money growing up, but I had the greatest childhood that you could ever imagine.
Holy Examples that must have come from God…
Whenever I was feeling despair, whether I was afraid, looking for comfort, love, or security, I always tried to remember my mother’s examples. How she managed to smile and give a kind word to support our doubts about ourselves, while she took the time to listen and try to understand each and every one of us. She was my perfect role model who I saw live through these things; by her own examples in life and her complete dependence on God. Her love, joy, and faith shown through her smile and every word that came out of her mouth held value of guidance to lead us on, that still remain, even after she passed on.
She never complained about anything, about how hard it was to raise seventeen children, or about how hard it was to be married to an Italian man who needed recognition every day to be the King of the family (and she respected and even honored that he kept the title). She never complained about not having a larger house for the large family, or that she didn’t have enough money, or enough clothes to wear, but a true humble spirit that walked in gratitude and made the very best of whatever she had. She managed to speak to us daily about how she would pray to God and always got the right answers with a calm assurance and never an inkling of doubt while she spoke about these things to us, as though a Higher spirit spoke through her. How did my mother raise seventeen healthy, happy children? And gain so much love and respect from every one of them? And live sixty years of her young life with endless stories of her miraculous life she told her children? And I remember them….!
I know it didn’t come from any book, as she was too busy to read. I know it wasn’t from her formal education since she never attended high school. I know it didn’t come from wealth, or fame, as she was never concerned with these things. I know it didn’t come from anything outside her… Because that didn’t seem to move her at all.
While writing I come closer to these facts of life that my mother truly lived. I became more passionate about her holiness and the Crown of Grace and Glory she wore, that we didn’t see how was earned, and so well deserved to wear.
I did my homework and searched everywhere looking for the odds that she overcame. And at last and known from the very beginning, my mother’s example of the joy she showed to the world were, without a shadow of doubt, was her absolute dependence on God… And the love and service she showed to everyone, and everything. She often told us that nothing is as important about ourselves other than the joy and privilege of servitude to those who are in front of us… especially the children! As she’d say, “They can’t speak for themselves.”
And from the seventeen miracles of life which came through her, I know she reached that place to hear God while she was with us here. “And what a known secret to shout about…!”
My mother left me with the most important instructions that every child needs to survive. Now…If only, I can leave such an imprint on my own children, as my mother left with me.
Somehow, They Knew Better
My mother, who joyfully raised seventeen children, certainly had the true life experience of qualified knowledge and wisdom that could possibly be of greater good and importance to our society – even answer some of the questions we may ask today regarding children:
She would often tell us how the children can suffer from our choices that we make while we don’t think of the children first. As she’d say, “While there are many families with children and both parents living under the same roof, the parents can still be missing the present joys in front of them by being too distracted with worldly things, whether they were busy working for having to put food on the table, or fame or fortune”; she would hear the children’s cry for the needed attention. She always seemed to take a stand for the children when she felt something was needed to be said for their rights and their future – they depend on us!
Although we may not want or like to hear what our parents have to say, they know best! But, when we mature and grow in wisdom, we realize their words are sacred. I remember situations, which today would be looked at much differently:
My daughter was just two years old and my first husband’s company wasn’t doing very well. As a hairstylist, I took a part-time job on Saturdays, while my husband watched my daughter. I loved working and being amongst other adults in the business world. My boss wanted me to work more than one day a week. I wanted to accept the position, as I loved my job as a hairstylist. But, being very sensitive, I noticed my mother’s response was not supportive and that she was short with me in our conversations. She noticed the joy in me with the excitement of being at work, rather than the joy of being home. I couldn’t stand her not communicating, as she normally would.
I asked her why she seemed to be somewhat distant. She said to me, “Your daughter is much too young to consider leaving her at this time. You could always go back to work when she starts school in a few years.” She said, “You have the rest of your life to focus on your career. It is not the time to leave her and provide the income. It is your responsibility to nurture her first, before she starts school.” (She was extremely old school about staying home with our children while they were very young.) I stopped working because I couldn’t stand her uneasy feelings and somehow I trusted her wisdom, before my own. I have never regretted it to this day, as my mother’s spirit mysteriously, must have known something that foretold the future! By the time my daughter started first grade I became a widow; a single parent with full responsibility of providing for her for the remaining years of school.
I will always be grateful to my mother and trusting her wisdom, because of which I stayed home for the first five years with my daughter. And at that time – three decades ago, and not today – it was known to be said, that these first years were to be the most informative. Which then left me more comforted, and with good feelings of hope for a brighter future for her, regardless of what we had encountered. She grew up nicely and well balanced through all the tragedy. I truly believe those first five years must have meant something most important that supported her and maintained her well-being. Amazing Grace: My mother must have known something…!
Our parents truly want our lives to be full of abundance, and want to give us more than what they had. And sometimes the only way they know how to give us these things, is from the experience in their own lives. They live and tell us the best way they know how; through their own lessons they have learned and earned their wings. And through humbleness and obedience, love, respect, and honor to them, we are more certain to rise to higher places. Regardless of what we thought we knew, the majority of the time: Somehow, they knew better!
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