Last week, a supermarket cashier counted the kids in my cart and pronounced me a saint.
“Wow,” he said. “I can’t even handle my three—and that’s every other weekend!”
Everyone around us laughed, but I didn’t. I don’t know what to say to people like these, people to whom divorce is so normal it is even sometimes a joke.
Ask those three kids every other weekend if it’s a joke.
I was especially moved by writer Amy Henry’s recent blog post in which she described torn feelings about her own parents’ divorce. Though her parents divorced when she was an adult, and even after she had married and become a mother herself, the hurt is still raw and real:
Divorce–and I say this with all my being–sucks. It is a ripping of the fiber of a family. A renting of the one thing that should never be rent. A betrayal to everyone involved.
You promised. Remember? In sickness and in health. Remember? Yes. But the vows never speak to the other things. The little things. The not-so-little things. The layers of misunderstanding. Of tiny hurts laid upon tiny hurts. Of things said that can never, ever be taken back. Of a love that started so strong that was, one cell at a time, rendered impotent.
I think her description of love is an especially startling one:
Love, as I reminded my little brother right after his wedding, is tender. Ever so weak, it is a sapling, reaching toward the heavens in the hopes of what the future will bring. Time, words, circumstances blow cold winds on that tender thing. It’s a miracle any of us survives.
Is marital love a tender sapling? Maybe so.
I do know that in a culture where 50% of marriages end in divorce, where everyday people consider “every other weekend” parenting the stuff that jokes are made of, more of us would do well to think of married love that way. So that we might tend it carefully. So that we might nurture it, protect it, feed it, and make it grow. So that we might never take its future for granted.
So that we and our families might wind up on the other side of those sorry statistics.
(cross-posted at The Anchoress)
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One of the things we can point out to divorced people, as well as to their children, is that the grace of the Sacrament of Matrimony continues. The parents and children receive that grace no matter what happens with the marriage. God does not take back grace.
We can also point out to the children that the grace of matrimony (their parents marriage graces) are helping them in this painful situation. If they look closely, they will see that their vocation at this time in their lives is to use this situation to learn how to love as powerfully as they can, their parents, siblings, grandparents, well, everyone they encounter.
I know: my parents divorced when I was ten years old.
I remember when one of my older sisters got married. My father took my sister’s hand and my new brother in law’s hand and held them in his. Then he said to them, in such a heartfelt way, “Be kind to one another.” Those were his words of wisdom. I always held that in my heart, that one day when I got married I’d make being kind to my spouse my number one priority. And it worked! I have been happily married for 22 years. My dad gave good advice. I wish everyone would take it to heart. There’d be so much less pain in the world.
Take heart: I understand, after Kierkegaard, such joking to be very akin to gallows humor and those who engage in it are not so much laughing as they are weeping.
I enjoyed the article. With a third child on the way, I’ve actually heard people talk about it as if this is some earth-shattering challenge. As the 5th child in a family of six siblings, I continually find myself at a disconnect with today’s smaller families (often with very old parents, assuming they’re the genetic parents..) and a culture that promotes divorce as a “hey, it didn’t work out” escape mechanism for when times get tough or people “grow apart.”
A word of caution, however, to the author: you perpetuate the “50 % of marriages end in divorce” myth, which has itself been used to denigrate the normalcy of being married and in effect providing cover for those who throw in the towel at the drop of a hat. The casualness of divorce today is an epidemic and I see single-family households all around my neighborhood, which outwardly is relatively middle-cass and stable.
This “50% myth” was debunked a few year ago by the U.S. National Center for Health Statistics in an article that rather quietly reported (of course) in the New York Times. I found this link about the finding:
http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/d/divorce.htm
When we marry we promise love until death. Those who seek divorce should first seek the meaning of love. Only St.Paul has given the full meaning of love. When we read it faithfully and sincerely , every cell in the body will proclaim that God is love. When we hear divorce of people after three—four decades of married life , we wonder how fake their married love was. Love is a product of the heart and not from any erotic zone
Thank you Andrew, for that link to the article on divorce. I don’t believe divorce is as prevalent as it is said to be; and I wonder how many of the divorces are ‘repeaters’ - from the second or third marriage. That could be an entire category on its own!
I know people who have been divorced and they do not take it lightly—maybe on the outside some may flip things off their shoulder, (they hide their true feelings) but from my understanding it is extremely difficult for them. Most think of themselves as failures because the marriage did not work. Most have good reason for divorce or annulment. The divorces we hear mostly about are from the entertainment world, which is a very different world from the norm. I am a widow and when someone asks about my husband it is ‘easy’ to say I am a widow, but for the divorced, the people I know find it ‘difficult’ to say I am divorced, it is like saying ‘I’m a failure’. My heart goes out to them.
Sad but true. Every couple has had awful fights.
It usually involves nagging about the following: cleaning, it is not clean enough and more cleaning. Usually the nagging is a deeper symptom for SOMETHING DEEPER OR THE FEAR TO TALK ABOUT IT. Or the wife and now the husband doesn’t have enough kids, money or a bigger house.
I don’t buy the junk that Catholics do not divorce. Many are just as greedy and superficial as non Catholics and non Christians.
grace is when we get beyond this.
This was a thought provoking article. But, it was Sue’s comment that resignated the most. Thank you Sue! She is so right in stating that many couples of divorce see themselves as “failures”. I personally know of two different families that have gone through this. Though there were reasons why an annulment would be granted. It doesn’t take away the hurt.
Sadly, the couples who seek divorce without knowing the beauty and worth of this sacrament view themselves in the same way…they do not see their own worth. But, for the others, there is true pain. Here is where we must be careful with how we see them. It was very unfortunate to have witnessed members of my group treat one of the women mentioned above. It was done in a less then christain way. There should never be judgement from those outside. We should show compassion, pray, and lend out our help in the same love that Jesus showed for us.
Divorce does happen. But it should NEVER be easy. And it’s never a funny issue.
I have been asking this: why are some Catholics sooooo superficial, the cause of divorce? Why are they not urged to go deeper?
When my hub and I were married we were forced to go to the marriage counselor as a skill to be learned. Why are not more marriage prep la la parish stuff incliuding dat?
Just wondering. But there are so many who are taught to be superficial about stuff: I want more at the expense of the marriage.
To Dn Brandlin: Sorry to disagree but God most certainly does take back grace when it is not used. Many saints have spoken of it. What you write is not in accord with Catholic teaching. In the instance you speak of God may give grace to children and adults, but that is not the “continuation” of the grace of matrimony.
My sister and brother in law divorced after 19 years of marriage and three children. At the age of 40 he discovered that he was gay. And last year, she walked in on him with another man in her bedroom. I can assure you that she was not happily married for a long time, that living with him was an utter nightmare. So are they better off living without him? I think so. She has already consulted with a Canon lawyer and is on her way to have the marriage annulled. I agree with Sue. For many people divorce is not taken lightly. And in many instances, friends, family and neighbors are not privy to the inner workings of the marriage, and have no idea what has taken place in private. Nobody gets married to have a divorce. It is always a tragedy.
No they do not want one.
But too much of the current Catholic political culture puts too much pressure on each spouse. When there is no prayer life, no deeeeep prayer life = superficial life that loves an ultra clean house and a big house. And that husband had better have a job so that wife who is demasnding NEVER EVER HAS TO WORK. Meanwhile, she is so disrepectful of him in subtle ways and nags the crap out of him. Then it wears on him so he goes out with his buds and comm breaks down. Then he gets sick.
I see too much of it here in Florida when people move down here.
Add this to the ultra Catholic standard of pumping out as many kids as possible to add to the stress on both of them. So much is said, but uh not said to those who in their 40s have woes trying tohave kids. They should shut up.
Yeah, pride causes divorce. Let these folks leave, quit telling lies and go form your own church. You will go broke before the next fight.
Danielle, thanks for this thread. I’m afraid I may have vented a bit, at the Anchoress. Susan is absolutely correct and astute to note that so often No One is privy to what goes on in a marriage (aside from God of course). Often it is because one or both spouses so want their children’s lives to be normal that they carry on as best they can as if things Are normal when in fact there is so much pain they can barely carry on… Ah well, I finally put it on a blog and linked to your post at The Anchoress. Almost Shale (almostshale) at wordpress. Please visit sometime, if you get a chance amidst your busy-ness. All the best to you and your sweet family. Thank you to Sue and Susan, too.
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