Family Matters

My wife is a wonderful woman and a devoted mother to our children. She has gained a significant amount of weight over the years, and I worry about her health. How can I express my concern to her in a tactful, caring way?

Oh, boy. We've tackled some lightweight issues such as cohabitation and contraception in this column, but now you've hit us with a real hot-button issue.

A deft balancing act is our recommendation here. On the one hand, you have a real, legitimate concern about your wife's health. This affects not only her but also her ability to be available for you and your children. On the other hand, women (and men, for that matter) can be extremely sensitive to comments about their appearance. Any words that you might have for her, no matter how lovingly they are spoken, could result in hurt feelings and tension. So a tightrope of love linking tact and truth needs to be walked here.

Remember the Scriptural advice to pull the log out of our own eyes before pointing out the speck in someone else's? Use this to reflect upon your own health habits. Ask yourself, “Do I need to lose any weight? Could I be eating more nutritious foods and less junk? Do I exercise on a regular basis?” If the answer to any of those questions is “No,” then your first priority is to change your own habits for the better. That act alone might be enough to encourage your wife to join you in a commitment to better health, all without you ever saying a word to her about her own weight issue.

Still, this might not be direct enough to have an impact. If that turns out to be the case, try inviting your wife to join you in your exercise routine. Be sure to do something she enjoys. You might like playing tennis, but she might prefer a brisk walk around the neighborhood, so go with that. Also, offer to do the grocery shopping for the family as well as some cooking for the family from time to time. That way, you give of yourself twice: first, in reducing her workload; second, in being able to buy and prepare foods for the family that are more healthful.

Finally, if these subtle approaches still aren't working, you might have to discuss the matter more directly. Pray for guidance before you broach the subject. Frame your concerns solely in terms of her health. Tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is and, especially, how grateful you are to her for the sacrifice she made in bearing your children.

Ask her what you can do to help. Could you buy her a gym membership and watch the kids while she goes to an aerobics class? Perhaps an exercise machine for the home? Maybe she'd prefer joining a diet group?

No matter how you parse it, all she might hear is, “My husband thinks I'm grossly fat.” Reassure her with lots of kind words and affection that you are still glad you married her — you just want her around for as long as possible.

Tom and Caroline McDonald are co-directors of the family-life office for the Archdiocese of Mobile, Alabama.