On Nov. 29 I celebrated 41 years of marriage with my husband, Jack. I feel honored to tell people what has provided staying power to our marriage. 

An elderly man who was married to his wife for more than 50 years made the comment, “Marriage is a bed of roses, thorns and all!” I agree with his statement. 

There is a great deal written about marriage now. Politicians, ministers, evangelists and even Pope Francis are all weighing in on the importance of marriage. At the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia, Cardinal Sean O’Malley said, “Together we want to dream of a world where the beauty of family life attracts people to make a gift of themselves in marriage and build a domestic church that will continue to build a civilization of love.”  

I remember when I was young, telling my mother I would never marry. When I would say this to her, she would ask why I was so adamant about this. I explained to her that sharing everything with another person didn’t appeal to me at all. I was too independent. Growing up in a large Catholic family, where everything was shared, I couldn’t wait to welcome independence with a vengeance.

I married Jack in 1974, when I was 24 years old. He had lost his wife a few years before. Not only did I become a wife, I was also responsible for helping to raise two children. I later had our third child, a daughter. I learned that marriage comes with so many more challenges when children are involved. The irony here is: I embraced it all wholeheartedly. In the end, my mother just smiled her all-knowing smile, as she was fairly certain this would happen.

When you enter into marriage, it needs to be about more than the ceremony. It comes with responsibilities for both the husband and wife. It should begin as a contract of commitment.  

Pope Francis speaks about Christian marriage as being one of the most important unions in the Church: “All Christians are called to love each other like Christ loves them and to be at the service of each other. But the love between a husband and a wife is given greater dignity when St. Paul says that the love between husband and wife reflects the love between Christ and his Church. Men and women courageous enough to carry this treasure in the earthen vessels of our humanity are an essential resource for the Church and the whole world.” Pope Francis goes on to add, “May God bless them a thousand times for this.”

My situation is unique, in that my husband has been coping with health issues for more than 30 years. This makes for some interesting challenges for us, but they are challenges we have learned to accept. I feel strongly that when you commit to someone, you do so for life — no matter what life brings you. Respecting each other, even when you’re not in agreement, and establishing a true friendship with each other, constantly communicating, should all be present in your marriage. 

Having a relationship with God is at the core of a good marriage. I read something that says it best: “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person” (Megan McLaughlin).

Marriage isn’t always 50/50. Sometimes it’s 25/75. One person may give more due to a given set of circumstances. This may involve illness, job demands, child care and financial difficulties; any number of things influence that number. It truly doesn’t matter. What matters is realizing that the reality of life, even with God at the center, doesn’t guarantee everything is going to be easy. I can attest to this fact. 

It is, however, worthwhile in the end. As Cardinal O’Malley said, “In God’s plan, the family is the school of love, where we learn to make a gift of ourselves. Marriage in God’s plan is a sanctuary of love.” 

People will tell me, “It must be difficult being married to someone in a situation where you are also the primary caregiver.” 

I tell them, “I am the one who is blessed.” 

I have watched someone power through so many issues, always with the commitment to keep fighting for life. 

What an honor it is for me to give back to my husband as he struggles through his illnesses. He has been through cancer, heart attacks, open heart surgery and five strokes, never once giving in or giving up. 

As Robert Brault said, “To find someone who will love you for no one reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is ultimate happiness.” 

Forty two years, here I come!

 

Catherine Mendenhall-Baugh writes from Hillsboro, Oregon.