Golfing on Mt. Tabor

Q I try to stay out of it when my friends gossip about their husbands, but I've slipped sometimes. I'm married to a great guy — but, sure, he has his flaws. What do I do when my friends start getting negative?

A George: Your question's easy to answer: Just tell them how great your husband is! But, seriously, it seems like this is a question for you to handle, Lisette.

Lisette: Thanks, George. I'll try, but it's an area where I fall too.

What has helped me the most is something I learned from Alice von Hildebrand's book By Love Refined, Letters to a Young Bride.

In one letter, von Hildebrand tells her niece about having a “Tabor Vision” of our husbands. Mount Tabor is where Jesus was trans-figured in front of his disciples. He was dazzling, splendid, amazing.

Von Hildebrand compares this to marriage. She advises her niece to keep a “Tabor Vision” of her husband, to see him the way she did when she first fell in love — to see his great and wonderful qualities and to remember the remarkable moments with him.

We all know that true love isn't blind. We see our spouse's faults very clearly, sometimes in fine-tuned detail. Overlooking flaws and keeping a Tabor Vision sounds good on paper, but it's easier to nag and blame everything that goes wrong on our husbands.

I remember one time I told George I'd like to spend an afternoon at the beach as a family. He was getting out of work early on Friday, and I thought it would be fun. George agreed, but said he had a meeting that day and didn't know what time he would be getting out of work. He said he'd call.

To my dismay, he didn't call until 4:30 p.m. On the phone I could hear the crackling of wind in the background. You know, the sound you hear when your husband calls you from the golf course. I couldn't believe he was playing golf! What was George thinking? Why did he say Yes when he really meant No? I hung up in anger.

A few minutes later a girlfriend called and I began telling her all about George. Beware when women get together and get into “top-this” stories about their husbands. Husband bashing, as I refer to this type of gossip, was well under way. What happened to the Tabor Vision?

There are two things that help me in situations like these. I call them “honor” and “let it go.” First of all, I try to honor George in his presence and in his absence. I could have honored him on the day of the golf incident by staying out of that “can you believe what he did” conversation.

The second thing I'm working on is “letting it go" — not turning a problem into a bigger deal than it is. If only I had “let it go” that day, and given George a chance to explain or ask forgiveness (which he did later that evening). Instead I got resentful, which didn't resolve anything.

So, like you, I'm trying to stay away from husband bashing. I'm always happier when I keep a Tabor Vision instead.

George and Lisette de los Reyes host “The Two Shall Be One” on EWTN.