Poor Obama. Poor, poor Obama. Now that Romney is out-fundraising him hand over fist, these struggles to find money must be giving him flashbacks of those bad old days when he and Michelle had to face the cold, hard world with nothing to their name but their own home, three incomes, no kids, and a matched set of ivy league educations. Brrr. They're probably stocking up on cases of Maruchan Ramen, just out of force of habit.
But seriously, it's no fun to be broke. It's no fun to have to scramble after money. And so, out of the goodness of my heart, I have a few suggestions for Team Obama -- just a short list of ideas to help them make money and rediscover fun. Never mind the terminally lame merchandise offered on the Obama website. Here's some ideas that would really get the dollars rolling in:
Back-to-school blues? For $2,000, Michelle Obama will sneak into your kids' bedroom, rip off their blankets, and shriek, "LET'S MOVE, LET'S MOVE!" until the lazy crumbs get up. For an extra $350, she will wear one of those pretty pink flower costumes like the ladies cheering outside the RNC were wearing.
For $35 the half ounce: Barack Obama Line of Skin Thickener, a topical ointment which can be applied daily, so people who are, like, THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD don't feel the need to tweet pettish comebacks to get revenge on half-demented old actors who say mean stuff on the TV. This is actually Barack Obama's personal tube. Like new condition; never opened.
$10 a pop: The Barack Obama Safety Fork, suitable even for Latinos-who may like to take their time as they dine!
$65 in silver, $120 in gold with genuine Swarovski pavé crystals To woo Catholic voters, devout Catholics Pelosi and Sebelius will team up to design a limited edition T-necklace, like the kind that Catholics wear; except instead of that depressing little metal guy, it will feature the much more upbeat trademark Obama sunrise.
For $6,000, you can have the use of Bush's legacy for a day. Suitable for all your blaming needs. Did you screw up royally? Did you promise the moon, and then just hang around making sure your thumb and your nether regions are well acquainted with each other? Have you noticed that people look at you less adoringly when their lives are in a shambles and it's indisputably, directly, unequivocally your fault? This is where Bush comes in. You can have the rights for 24 hours, but you have to give them back, because Obama will be needing them indefinitely.
For $15,000, you can have a small plaque with your name on it affixed to one of his certified Nobel Peace Prize Winner Drones. Guaranteed to survive impact, these commemorative plaques stand out nicely amid the smoking rubble of civilian homes.
(price varies per job) The Obama 360 Emergency Editorial Service. Want references to God edited out of your platform? They're gone in a flash. Wait -- want them back in again? Easy peasy! There they are. But wait! You don't like the Jews anymore? Jews gone. Oopsie, Jews back in style? You're back in business. With Obama 360, their motto is: "These are our principles! If you don't like them, we have others!"
and
For five bucks, you can pull Joe Biden's finger.
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You!!! You are freaking hilarious!! I almost barfed up my Chai tea from laughing. Thank God for tiny miracles;) Seriously, this whole thing is so perfect. Thank you.
I just barfed up the tea.
Ha! This brought a great wake-up smile this morning. Keep ‘em coming!
Really funny.
We could pay off the national debt if the $5 Joe Biden Finger Pull were a reality.
This soothed the soul, thank you. Those Code Pink protestors ridiculous—so much for avoiding biological determinism!
by the headline, I thought this was going to be about fundraising in the public schools ;) http://remnantofremnant.blogspot.com/2012/09/homeschoolin-aint-easy.html
We already have 2 things (coupon books, cookie dough) to sell for Boy’s kindergarten- I lasted about 3 months in Girl Scouts because I CAN NOT sell
on topic- I could never be a politician
http://www.misternicehands.com/
You might enjoy this. Reminds me of Biden
Wow, in your attempt to be funny, you sure had to fall back on a lot of lies. What is it with right-wingers and their absolute fear of the truth? It’s like vampires and sunlight, I guess.
@Disappointed: ah, you got me. It’s true, Biden will let you pull his finger for free.
This would be roll-on-the-floor funny except that it is all too true. Thanks ma’am!
Laughing at your column gets my kids out of bed. A double plus!
There are very few things that put a serious damper on my sense of humor. Barry Obama is one of them. I’m going to picture him in one of those pretty pink “flower” suits to see if I can squeeze out a chuckle. Hmmm. No dice. Okay, I will comfort myself with the fact that he’s not enjoying his ridiculous presidency enough, to allow his donors to use forks. Heh.
Back-to-school blues? For $2,000, Michelle Obama will sneak into your kids’ bedroom, rip off their blankets, and shriek, “LET’S MOVE, LET’S MOVE!” until the lazy crumbs get up. For an extra $350, she will wear one of those pretty pink flower costumes like the ladies cheering outside the RNC were wearing.”
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Oh, that’s what the costumes represented…
They looked more like the “pods” from Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
@Disappointed:
Lighten up, Francis.
OMGoodness! Helarious!! “Did you promise the moon, and then just hang around making sure your thumb and your nether regions are well acquainted with each other? Have you noticed that people look at you less adoringly when their lives are in a shambles and it’s indisputably, directly, unequivocally your fault?”
I hate to say this, but I saw someone on Facebook say, “Obama, who has SAVED the economy….” etc. I am not friends with that particular commentator, but I did pipe in, “Where is this saved economy? I’d like to live there.” Seriously? If you want to vote for Obama, you’re going to do it because you want to, and not because you’re looking hard and fair at the two options.
...“those bad old days when he and Michelle had to face the cold, hard world with nothing to their name but their own home, three incomes, no kids, and a matched set of ivy league educations.”
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First of all, please know I’m NOT in any way possible an Obama supporter, but the magnet public school Mrs Obama attended-I don’t know that necessarily disqualifies one from being low income or financially challenged.Two of my kids attended public charter schools & were accepted partly because we were low income,& met other qualifying issues.If we had better income my children might not likely have been accepted.
Maybe that worked for the Obama’s in their education, too. I don’t know.
Just waiting for the “this is NOT funny / I’m mortally offended by the personal attacks / I can’t believe the National CATHOLIC Register is peddling political lies / how would you feel if someone humiliated you online / why don’t you make fun of Romney / and NO - I will NOT lighten up” comments . . . .
I think I enjoyed the responses more than the article. I would highly recommend the skin thickener for a few…
There will be a Romney fundraiser installment tomorrow, right? :)
Oh, Simcha, you rock. We must laugh to keep from crying.
Drat. I just woke up my sleeping old dog with an explosive belly laugh. As usual, you rock. Don’t ever change your style.
You should relax a little bit and stop being so ‘bad’. Obama can be ridiculed as any other man in power and his campaign has not been free of ridiculous and disingenuous ads as Romney’s, but you just don’t have the class to write something that is not over-the-top snarky. You may even write the Romney version of this post and you would not recover my credibility. Google super PACs and you would see -if you are not blinded by your religious dogmatism- how fundraising in this election is a game where your voice and mine are pretty much irrelevant.
Brilliant. LOL. These are our principles. If you don’t like them, we have others.
Simcha. Seriously. How are you so freaking funny??? I mean, how do you even come up with this stuff? I absolutely love this. Thanks for the belly laugh. (Oh, and I too am surprised there aren’t more comments from the humor-challenged people on both sides of the aisle.) Keep it up, sister.
@Peter Bingen - You’re correct: Simcha couldn’t write a post to recover your credibility. It’s pretty much shot.
Love it!!!!!
You feel like I do, but you express it better!
I know that a joke isn’t funny when you have to explain it, but I don’t get the safety fork… everything else is freaking hilarious. :-)
Disappointed
You forgot to say how obviously racist her post was.
Bravo!
@JH, It doesn’t get more paranoid than worrying about getting stabbed by a fork! The downside is the taxpayers having to foot the bill for all their beefed up paranoia. When we were in the deepest throes of the recession we paid boatloads of $$ for Michelle and her army of secret service to hit the beaches in Spain.
Clever Simcha. Hehe
But no need to do one on Romney tomorrow, I laugh at him all the time.
Won’t kill Obama to be the butt of a joke.
And yes, I’m gonna say it….lighten up Disappointed, you are allowed to poke fun at the politicians- they aren’t God or your mother. Hehe
Dear Simcha, one of the great missions of the Church is to help the poor and the needy. In your opinion, how is A Romney administration going to do more to help the poor in this country than that of the Obama administration? Clearly you are not in favor of an Obama second term. I am wondering how someone so clearly as devout as yourself feels about Romney,s dedication to taken care of the poor and needy. Seems to be lacking
That was fantastic, especially the last line. I would hate to see what happens if you pull on Biden’s finger…lol.
@MJ:
Unless Romney/Ryan had policies that were actually hostile to the poor and needy, their staunch pro-life position (and Ryan’s pro-life record) make them an easy choice. In order to create a society that takes care of its weakest members, we have to start by creating a society that doesn’t KILL them.
That said, Romney/Ryan take the position that, while we need a reasonable “safety net”, it is not actually helpful to the poor to be perpetually on government assistance. This is well in line with Church teaching, as being constantly on dole numbs one’s sense of duty and replaces it with a sense of entitlement. Furthermore, the huge debt that is racked up through exorbitant programs is a moral injustice that affects future generations.
Just because the Democrats want to throw money at a problem doesn’t mean they have a solution, and just because the Republicans DON’T want to throw money at a problem doesn’t mean they don’t want to solve it.
Funny, funny Simcha! And while we’re on the topic….what are your thoughts, or any of your readers, to those who will vote for Ron Paul. When confronted, they said they basically said that it isn’t their problem if Obama gets in for four more years, they have to vote their conscious and their conscious tells them that Romney will get us into a war. Any good counter-points to share? All of mine have thus far fallen short.
I don’t see how Obama is helping the poor unless helping the poor means paying for their birth control and abortions. Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel a little suspicious of a party whose idea of welfare reform is infertility and death. I have no illusions about Romney, but his supporters don’t wear dancing pink flower costumes, so plus one for him.
Julie,
Agreed.
The solution offered by the Democrats seems to be to kill off the poor before they’re born.That’s not the Christian answer to poverty.
Posted by Mj on Friday, Sep 7, 2012 10:16 PM (EST):Dear Simcha, one of the great missions of the Church is to help the poor and the needy. In your opinion, how is A Romney administration going to do more to help the poor in this country than that of the Obama administration? Clearly you are not in favor of an Obama second term. I am wondering how someone so clearly as devout as yourself feels about Romney,s dedication to taken care of the poor and needy. Seems to be lacking”
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It’s the stated mission of the Church, not the government.Why do we keep confusing those roles?
Had to really think on what a “T necklace” was
“With Obama 360, their motto is: “These are our principles! If you don’t like them, we have others!””
As funny as it is, the trouble is that this could be a comment on either of the two present candidates.
After reading this article, I am not sure if I am on a right wing website. I cannot explain how sick I feel reading this racist article. Is NCR unofficially trying to be the National Right Wingers Register. This is a place for articles highlighting Catholicism. How does in any way this article talk about Catholicism? The prejudice and racism is so blatantly open. Wow.
@Joseph- first of all this article is more than 8 months old. Second, considering the racism Obama has shown with his hatred of Catholics and brown pregnant teenagers, I would question *anything* about him being classified as racist- nobody hates negros, hispanics, and vietnamese more than Obama and his CINO lapdog, Kathleen .
But finally, this is a JOKE posting, and clearly so. If you can’t have humor- then I have to wonder what you think of Pope Francis telling a young Swiss Guard that he outranks the captain, right before getting him a cheese sandwich.
Love this! Very, very funny!
@Joseph, accusing someone of being racist because they don’t like the Obama administration. Wow. Is that new? I’ve never heard that one.
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