Occasionally, you’ll hear about a child named “Princess” or “Precious” or even “Perfect.” Makes you cringe, but anyone with a beloved new baby will understand the impulse, if not the offense against taste and common sense: You want to make an official record of the fact that you love your child. You want to imprint the little one, from the very first moments of life, with the knowledge that he is welcome and cherished, that the world is better because he is here.
Okay, so naming him “Yourhighness” is a bit much, but most parents want to choose a name which makes a favorable impression on the world and on the child himself, especially since the world can be so hard.
My baby is just over six weeks old, and she and her name are now fully reconciled (this can take a while, because newborns are strangers, even if you’ve been calling them by name in utero). Her first name is Benedicta, a name which brings more patron saints than you can shake a stick at (especially since the little varmint was determined to be born on December 8, the feast of the Immaculate Conception, even though I was in labor for most of December 7!).
With St. Benedict, Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, Our Blessed Lady, Benedict XIV, and the saintly mother of a family friend all looking over my shoulder, I call my baby “Benny.” Or “Benny Boo,” or “Benny Wabbit,” or “Bootsie Bootsie Bootsie Pie,” or whatever else my brain comes up with while melting with a combination of affection and fatigue. “Benny, Benny, Benny!” I coo, and she rewards me with a smile of pure rejoicing, a gorgeous, ridiculous, blessedly naive smile of a creature who doesn’t know anything at all, but who can see that I love her. To receive the smiles of a baby who is just learning to smile—shut up, world. This is what is real.
Now, I realize that my baby doesn’t even speak English, never mind Latin, but when I say, “Oh, Benny, Benny, Benny,” I enjoy the little secret double meaning: Along with simply calling her name, I’m telling my baby (via the Latin root word bonus), “you are good, you are good!”
It’s easy, a pleasure, to say this to a little baby. She is so fresh and innocent, with such easy demands. If anything in the world is good, a little baby is good, and we delight in telling them so. I love the baby, and her dear heart loves me back: pure sunshine.
But here is a notion which often clouds the delight of playing with a new baby: Often The Ruiner comes to me and whispers, “Enjoying yourself, are you? That’s cute. But don’t you know this beautiful girl is going to grow up? We know what you’re like. You love your baby now, but the second she causes some trouble for you—becomes an irrational, tantrum-throwing toddler, or a kid who sulks and whines even though you’ve given her everything you can give, or a sarcastic, self-centered teenager—as soon as love gets a little complicated, where’s your “bene, bene, bene” then?”
And with shame I remember what I say to my older children all too often: “Not now. Leave me alone. Stay still! Can’t you be quiet? What is wrong with you?”
Go back to Hell, ruiner. Stay away from my girl.
But, like every temptation, this cloud that wants to cover the sunshine of baby joy has a bit of truth in it: nothing gold can stay. That’s what this world is like: There is no joy in the present without at least the smallest reminder that it will pass—sometimes to be replaced by something better, sometimes not.
What can I do? I commend my baby to the Father—bring her to the temple like Samuel’s mother. I love my baby with all my heart, and that is as it should be. I will use this simple love, this easy giving of my heart, as a reminder that the others need my mind, my soul and my strength, as well. They need me to say to them, “Bene, bene”—“you are good, you are welcome, I love you, and it is good that you are here.”
When they need to be corrected, I can make myself one notch more gentle than I’m naturally inclined to be. When they need to be quiet, I can shush them with a smile, not a snarl. I can insist on hugs and kisses even from the children who tower over me, and take the time to smile straight into their faces when I see them in the morning, even if they don’t smile back.
What do we call our children, beyond their literal names? What do we say to them? No matter how old they are, how often do we tell them that they are good, and it is well that they are here?
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excellent reminder this morning.. I LOVE my kids, I want a gaggle of them (we “only” have 5), I’m DESPERATE for more.. (and I’m tired of waiting), but at the same time I feel overwhelmed!! I need to breathe, remember they are good kids, who really aren’t out to ruin me one strand of hair at a time!
Thanks, Somechop, for another amazing blog to remind me that I’m not alone, and none of us shine ALL the time!
Thanks for this. I feel as though I spend so much time and energy striving to help my children be saints, yet I often neglect this simple and so necessary way of loving.
I think the love, love, love stage of perfect princess baby parenting is what makes this possible: “When they need to be corrected, I can make myself one notch more gentle than I’m naturally inclined to be.”
And it’s a wonderful reminder. Thanks.
>> They need me to say to them, “Bene, bene”—“you are good, you are welcome, I love you, and it is good that you are here.”
Yes. Thank you for this excellent reminder. And Benny has the most beautiful smile!
***tear….sniff**** You’re so right.
So true! Sometimes I find myself noting that as deliciously easy as it is to love my newborn, I struggle much more to be loving toward my 3-year-old, who is in the “perseverating stage.” He’s like a dog with a bone when he gets on something, and I don’t have the energy to deal with it for 12 hours at a time. But even this is starting to pass, and I regret not being more patient with him. I hope I can remember that when my newborn does get to some of my less favorite stages.
Benny is a beautiful girl! Another nickname could be Benita, as a friend of mine is called.
Simcha, here’s a name better than ‘Yourhighness’: http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/basketball/blog/the_dagger/post/God-Shammgod-s-unforgettable-name-is-still-bring?urn=ncaab,258915
If we are going to start listing ‘bad names we have actually heard’ how about - “Divine Treasure” whose mother I heard, actually heard calling her to ‘go get your little brother “Sir Real” or perhaps Surreal. Now granted this took place in a McDonalds’ Playplace (aka - Human Habi-Trail) but neither my kids or I could believe what we heard - over and over again!!
Bene! Bene! Bene! - all of our children are good and is it good, very good they are here!
Great name! My baby was born Dec 6 and his name is Benedetto :D
And when you want her to remember something you can simply say “Note Bene”.
A couple of names from a news article this past weekend - two children from the same mother - “Adorable” and “Definest”. I guess we can be sure that the parent’s think highly of these two toddlers.
Wow. Just wow. It’s almost like you were inside my head when you wrote this! I have been feeling exactly this way for the last few weeks. Our yongest is four and such a delight. She is bright and funny and adorable (think golden curls and little spectacles and an inpish face so sweet). She gets attention everwhere we go and her teachers adore her at preschool. After enduring many challenging years with our 7 year old boy and some of our older children who are teenagers, her easy-going personality has been refreshing and a joy. Many times when I catch myself basking in all that she is, I sometimes think of what things will be like in a few short years. My heart breaks to think of that bright shining smile turned into darkness and sulkiness. And then guilt creeps in as I think of my other children. You hit the nail on the head. We have to be sure that we turn our hearts to them who are often difficult to love during thier years of transition. I try to remind myself that that sulkiness is a facade. That under all of that, there is my little girl or little boy who is scared and struggling with all of the changes that their growing up brings. I remind myself that I need to love them just as much if not even more than I did when they were “easy”.
Hahaha I went to college with God Shammgod (although, I don’t think he spent a lot of time IN class, given he was a basketball player at a Big East school). And that is his REAL name!
This is so, so beautiful. I have a Bene too and he’s two and a half. I need to remember gentleness.
Thanks for the reminder of how great our kids really are even when they aren’t so great, and spill the toothpaste, and fight over lego pens, and want lunch at 10am everyday etc. etc.
Someone asked me what type of kids I had the other day and after a brief moment I replied,“They are just good kids.” It felt so good to say that, and really mean it. Now I need to tell the kids themselves.
On the subject of baby names I have a relative that works in the NICU and has seen the following names: Indaheatadamoment and Adonbejealous. No joke.
Maybe we AND our recalcitrant teenagers will be as spectacularly adorable and precious as newborns are—-in heaven. Bene is still steeped in “heavenly”! God bless her and keep her from fallen nature AS LONG AS POSSIBLE! (*New Year resolution: hug the moody ones two times a day)
The nurse who took care of me when I delivered our Joseph Kolbe in October said that her previous patient named her new baby La-a, pronounced “La-dash-ah”. Apparently dashes are now in the alphabet for names!
This is wonderful. I always love to see young mothers kissing and making over their babies. Babies love to be smiled at even by strangers. One little one was chortling and bouncing in the cart seat at a store just because I walked by and smiled at her. The child’s father was astounded.
Speaking of names, some parents just set their children up for a life of nicknames. One young boy I know is named Preston Detzel.
Love your blogs, Simcha.
This reminded me of a quote by von Balthasar
“After a mother has smiled for some time at her child, it will begin to smile back; she has awakened love in its heart.”
Best wishes with your new baby
Oh, bless you for this! As the mom of 3 boys under 9, I need this as my mantra: “you are good, you are welcome, I love you, and it is good that you are here.”
Thank you!
Ack, Mimi, met too! Outside of teaching I have never had any girls of my own so I don’t have a comparison but what is it about raising my (4) boys (9 and under, too) that makes me think: Oh Dear Lord what if this behavior lasts forever! I will have raised a sociopath!
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That is totally the Ruiner getting into my ear. Thank you Simcha and Mimi for a suggested mantra to hold out like a shield, like a shelter for those children!
AHH!Just emailed “nothing gold can stay” to a friend who is moving. Now read this and am going to hide in my room and cry for a bit. I’d go smother the four year old with kisses (again today) but he hasn’t much patience for it anymore.
My husband and I end each day with a declaration of love for our kids. It may (frequently) follow a required disclaimer to soften some of the day’s lunacy, such as Thing One may have her challenging moments, and Things Two through Five sure got into it, but… aren’t they wonderful? Then we sing some praise for each one. We do this in private, and so they don’t get a inflated sense of themselves or compare our praise for them with the other Things. ;) Seriously, we have been doing this for almost 20 years. And it is bene, bene. And always reminds us of their goodness (inspite of themselves) and our desire to be good to them (inspite of ourselves). Excellent post.
I love this! I struggle with the same thoughts. It’s so easy to love them when they are babies….
Truly thought provoking words. Thank You!
I wish we could “like” comments as on Facebook! I like the “Note Bene.”
Our oldest son’s 2nd middle name is Benedictus, which is “blessed.” I frequently think how blessed we are to have him in our lives, and I am reminded of his blessed-ness especially at Mass when we sing the “Sanctus” and he gets all excited because we are saying his name.
Thank you for the reminder of their goodness!
Ah, such wise words.
That story about the Indian girls really hit hard.
Cari,
If you look at the list of saints and blesseds at saints.sqpn.com you will see that there were two Brians who were martyred for the faith—Briana is a feminine form of Brian. There are about ten Julias. St Cedric is also known as St Cedde or St Cedd. Alexa is a feminine form of Alexander, there are a bunch of St Alexanders. St Kyle, also known as Saint Kennocha, is a Scottish saint.
Also, the Catechism of the Catholic Church states that it is NOT a requirement that a child be given a saint’s name, just one that is not foreign to Christian sentiment:
2156
The sacrament of Baptism is conferred “in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.“85 In Baptism, the Lord’s name sanctifies man, and the Christian receives his name in the Church. This can be the name of a saint, that is, of a disciple who has lived a life of exemplary fidelity to the Lord. The patron saint provides a model of charity; we are assured of his intercession. The “baptismal name” can also express a Christian mystery or Christian virtue. “Parents, sponsors, and the pastor are to see that a name is not given which is foreign to Christian sentiment.“86
So beautiful. I will remember to tell my two boys who tower over me how precious they are. They deserve all that love, too. Thanks for reminding me.
So true! I used to work with older children, some of whom were what you might call ‘difficult’. While some days it was a struggle to remember that they needed gentleness as much as the child next to them, the good moments we had together were so much more precious because they were rare. (And just as an aside, the name La-a Jenna posted about is, or at least was, apparently an urban legend: http://www.babynamewizard.com/archives/2009/10/ledasha-legends-and-race-part-one)
I have worked in Maternal/Child care for most of my 26 years as a nurse and now with 23 years of parenting under my belt, the one word that makes me cringe is “Perfect” ...as in “this baby is perfect and Im an uncertain new mom, therefore anything that goes wrong is all my fault” and they apologize to the babies starting at the first diaper change “Im sorry, Im so sorry!!”
While not insulting the mistaken perfection of their children, I remind parents (including the mom I cared for who suffered 3 deaths before she had a take-home baby) that their wonderful, loved, sweet baby is a person like everyone else and they will have good moments and bad (just like parents) and they will all learn together. I also encourage them to reserve “Im sorry” unless they make an actual mistakes. I ran into the aforementioned mom a while ago and she said my realism was very helpful to her.
Thanks, Simcha! I needed to read this today! By 6:50 a.m. I had managed to get my very-pregnant rear and six sleepy, half-prepared children into my car, setting off on a 30 minute drive to our “local” Catholic school.
And I didn’t do it well. Sigh. Some mornings I can’t stand myself because I am so grouchy. I’ll be sure to smile a little more and hug a little tighter when I pick them up :)
Having just shipped my oldest off to college, they may grow up, but our heart stays forever in that bene bene bene moment.
Here’s another perspective: the colicky baby. Oh man, we are FINALLY on the way out of that stage, but I have to say I feel terrible for the lack of feelings I had sometimes during the blur of 5 weeks of reflux/colic/whatever that had me bouncing on the edge of the bed for hours. It was so bad sometimes (1,2,or 3 hour stretches of crying throughout the day) that my toddler was starting to struggle a lot and I got upset my toddler was so upset. I tried my best in the moments of precious silence when she finally fell asleep to tell her I love her, she is wanted, and I am so happy she is my girl. Things are improving now that she’s 7 weeks but I already feel bad for the times I just had to care for her on autopilot when the lovey feelings weren’t there during those really trying moments. She’s so young and there’s already guilt. Motherhood’s tough.
I wish every parent thought like you. Beautiful.
Anon, colicky babies are tough. You are almost to the “three month mark”, where she will turn into a chubby, more happy baby. What I realized in my thirties, was that babies are actually a lot like adults. They get burned out at the end of the day. They get overstimulated. Their brains are developing on overdrive. I learned to give a feeding to the baby, and then keep nursing on just one side for comfort, when they are colicky in the hours before bedtime. If you drink a glass of wine,it really does help if they are frantic. I think it also helps their new digestive tract. I think this helps better than acidophilus powder ( a tiny fingertip to help colonize the new,vulnerable colon). Refined sugars in the form of sweets and desserts make them worse. I didn’t like the taste of wine until my thirties, but clearly it’s biblical! Jesus’ first miracle at Cana…He knew what marriage and parenthood entails…Or in the words of Fulton Sheen…Why did they run out? Because Jesus invited His disciples! (comic relief but maybe true)
B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L !!! Thank you.
This is very sweet. I can’t wait for my little bundle of joy. I wouldn’t talk about other babies’ names when your child’s name could make others cringe as well. The name Benedicta is not really my style and sounds too masculine for me even if it has a good meaning, but Bene is a cute nickname. Jenna, Everyone knows that La-a is an urban legend.
With three step children (10, 13, and 15 - the youngest is a boy) and a new baby girl, we decided to dispense with the nicknames and just go with the reality of the situation - we named her Sarah, which as you probably know, means “Princess”. If the glass slipper fits…lol! Though if you go with her full name (Sarah Victoria Beverley), it means “Victorious Princess of the Beaver Meadow”. Kinda takes it down a peg :)
You are so right, Simcha; and not just for children who are not as tall as we… At age 20, and away at the University, I received a birthday card from my parents. The message read: “The day you were born…..the World became a better place”. That touched me so deeply because I knew it was true ~ despite anything. And I still have that card….. :-D Little Bene is beautiful!
Oops! I meant that it was true, that my parents felt that way, & that I knew it. ::blush::
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