Maybe we are all Catholics now, and maybe we aren’t.
For those of us who really still aren’t, things suddenly got weird yesterday, starting with an epidemic of poor forehead hygiene among Catholic co-workers. If you did the polite thing by licking your thumb and trying to clean off that smudge, you may not have been properly rewarded for your solicitous behavior. You may even have been swatted at. This is because Wednesday was an official Cranky Day of the Church, when Catholics are hungry, and feeling guilty for not hiding it better.
You may have been tempted to try to smooth things over by offering your offended friend the extra double quarter pounder with cheese that the drive thru girl accidentally put in your bag. This would be an error. One major rule for dealing with Catholic friends during Lent: keep your meat to yourself.
What else can you expect to see in the next thirty-nine days, and what does it mean? Here is a handy guide.
WEIRD BEHAVIOR: Your Facebook friend’s wall has suddenly become manic depressive, featuring, in the span of twenty minutes, a picture of a chubby, smiling baby trying to deal with a bowl of spaghetti; a prayer beseeching the Savior to hide us within His torn and bleeding heart; a funny joke where Kathleen Sebelius is photoshopped to look like a Dalek; an extremely detailed painting of The Scourging at the Pillar, and a notice that Ashley has posted a pin to Pinterest (coffee filter lampshade).
EXPLANATION: Your friend feels guilty for not giving up Facebook for Lent, and is attempting to make up for it by using social media as a tool of the new evangelization; i.e. creeping everyone out.
WEIRD BEHAVIOR: Your friend stubs his toe and shouts, “FU . . .mble!!! I fumbled, there. Ow, boy, gee, my toe hurts like a son of a biscuit!” Or if someone cuts him off in traffic, he snarls, “Nice driving, shi . . . ihh . . . into monk. You drive like a SHINTO MONK, you know that?”
EXPLANATION: Your friend has given up swearing.
WEIRD BEHAVIOR: Your friend abruptly starts losing weight and working out regularly.
EXPLANATION: Your friend has noticed that Lent ends right around the same time as bathing suit season begins.
WEIRD BEHAVIOR: Your homeschooling friend is usually dressed, made up, and pulling some delicious baked good out of the oven by 8 a.m. while the children quietly practice their Bible memory verses together. You stop by to visit her in her home one late afternoon, and she is not only still in her pajamas, but her kids, who are naked, are all on the roof, pulling bricks out of the chimney and throwing them at passing cars. Smoke is pouring out of the oven, the dog is in tears, and your friend won’t come out from under the table.
EXPLANATION: She has given up lunch gin.
WEIRD BEHAVIOR: You get a long, handwritten letter from a distant relative you haven’t seen since Grampy’s funeral fourteen years ago. It starts out normally enough, inquiring after your health and reminiscing about mutual friends, but pages two through twelve are just lists of short observations like, “takin out the garbage wooo are my arms out of shape gotta start liftin again” and “subway or quiznos, choices choices lol.”
EXPLANATION: Your friend has given up Twitter and is desperate for some social interaction, but has forgotten how to talk.
WEIRD BEHAVIOR: Your friend keeps saying, “Sure, let’s get some coffee—oh, wait, no! Um, water is fine for me”; keeps nervously checking his watch and darting away to a quiet corner while hastily making the sign of the cross; repeatedly turns on some music and then jumps guiltily and turns it off again; appears itchy, overtired, and dehydrated; is limping as if he has popcorn kernels in his shoes; and occasionally faints.
EXPLANATION: Your friend has gone for the scattershot approach to penance, and has gone too far.
WEIRD BEHAVIOR: Your friend suddenly won’t talk to you at all.
EXPLANATION: Your friend has given up hanging around with jerks. Or, no, your friend has given up spending time with his favorite people! Boy, he probably misses you a lot. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
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Well put!
Naked kids throwing bricks at the passing cars, niiice!
:)
I can totally relate!!!
There should be a link to an actual picture of Kathleen Sebelius photoshopped to make her look like a dalek. That would be awesome.
Tears, tears are streaming down my face right now. That’s what I get for cutting onions before noon!
Haha, I love this. Especially the last one.
I didn’t see the gin line coming! That one got me!
“Lunch gin” Is this a Fisher original?
Simcha, this is so full of WIN that I just shared it on Facebook (which I did *not* give up for Lent)! ^_^
I. Loved. This. Should be required reading for all! I am sharing on FB.
I
Lunch gin?! I giggled out loud so much that my kids asked what was up.
Ah the lunch gin. Reminds me why I never took up drinking. A gin at lunch would never have been enough. On the other hand maybe a gin break would have saved me from looking up after finishing my rosary (with prayerfully closed eyes) only to find my 3 sons had left the house. They were up on the roof with sheets preparing to parachute two stories to the concrete patio below. Were I drinking gin instead of praying I probably would have been ntoice movement through the bottom of the glass and see them leave the house. That is if I were using one of my good crystal wedding glasses and not one of those plastic Batman cups from McDonalds I stocked the cupboard with in those days.
I had a wonderful, spiritual Ash Wednesday. But there was one thing missing: my pal the self-described Upper East Side atheist Jew quipping “missed a spot.”
twitter is social interaction?
So much for the Gospel admonition to not look dismal while fasting: our 15 year old wisely asked “Why are you in such a sour mood this afternoon?”
Sigh.
I have never laughed so loudly at a computer before.
I did give up Facebook and it’s harder than I thought it would be. I also forgot to post a “giving up FB for Lent” status on Tuesday so people would know that I’m not ignoring their messages.
Ah, the lunchtime gin. I will miss you these long 40 days…4 kids and no alcohol….ought.
Yes, I’m giving up road rage/potty mouth, cookies,chocolate, brownies, cupcakes, scones, candy, gum…Isn’t that enough? Back off already on the lunch Gin. That’s medicine.
Hah! This post made me laugh. Every Lent, I take to throwing out one full trash bag of clutter from my house every day. Every year I think this is the year I continue this habit past Lent and next year come Ash Wednesday our home won’t be a possible candidate for an episode of hoarders. Even though we’re only two days into the annual declutter, my home already looks better - this year it’ll continue for sure. ;)
As I sit here twitching through nicotine withdrawals… I laugh hysterically. You are a true gift from God. Thank you Simcha.
@Angela: Yes, I spent like five minutes trying to find one on the interwebs! If a picture of Kathleen Sibelius photoshopped to look like a dalek exists, will someone please post a link? Oh… wait… I’m supposed to be fasting from negativity for Lent… can someone post the link on April 8th?
Some of us Protestants *do* celebrate Lent. I have friends who gave up Facebook, attempted to fast yesterday, and who went to Ash Wednesday at their Lutheran/Baptist/Anglican/Evangelical churches.
“...the dog is in tears….”
Fantastic! We shouldn’t feel this jolly during Lent.
Bwah ha ha ha ha
I gave up Facebook and am finding myself drowning in inane thoughts with which I would normally bore my friends. Why do I share these stupid half-baked thoughts so readily?
On the other hand, I can see what a colossal waste of time FB really is. I managed to start a new tv series yesterday with all that time I had freed up for more valuable pursuits!
I love the mental image of Kathleen Sibelius as a Dalek. Exterminate!
Lunch gin!!!!!! BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
haha this is too funny and sadly very true! I worked in an office of southern baptists and they didn’t understand lent and they never tried to either. To me celebrating easter without lent is crazy!
Fantastic humor!!
Yeah, that lunchtime gin is a real lifesaver.
I’m giving up sucralose (artificial sweetener).
I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING
“the scattershot approach to penance”
I am sure this is one of those brilliant inventions of Satan…I fall for it for some part of Lent every year.
Also, thank you for giving me the idea of Lunch Gin, so that I may be exercised, dressed and homeschooling, too. Now…do I have to wait until after Lent to take it up?
Any Catholics want to weigh in on that?
So when I start homeschooling next year I get to drink gin at lunch! Yet another benefit to homeschooling! No one told me! :)
Woman, you kill me!! Wiping tears over here.
The Shinto Monk piece was my favorite. Hilarious.
Can’t get over the “lunch gin”. Waaayyyy too funny!
Too funny! Love the part about homeschooling mom.
Nothing in this article makes any sense! You must live in a weird town.
Mwahahahaha, well, weird stuff happens when things get taken away from you, even if by choice.*sigh* I’m gonna have to add an “M” to my name since there seems to be a less-than-cheery namesake of mine.
Somebody with some Photoshop skill could use this image as something to start with, I suppose.
I recall walking out of work one Ash Wednesday, and a man came running up to me. He said, “Mister, you have a black smear on your forehead!” I said calmly, “Yes, I know.” He gave me a look of total confusion!
Perhaps you meditate on Jesus’ Passion during Lent? Please consider The Shroud of Turin! Read recent reports about it’s authenticity being genuine! It is the Greatest Relic of all time-and proves that Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead! The image was formed by a burst of radiation when Jesus resurrected! Recent scientific tests done in Italy in 2011 agree The Shroud is GENUINE!
This is so funny ... a cradle Catholic who was surrounded by nuns for 12 years and has six children and grandma to 11 can relate to this…O the Lents I have found myself wondering what the heck I was doing ...I just thought at one point living my life with a house full was enough..but found that if I put some effort into doing something more rather that giving something up I had a better Lent…Thank you Ms Fisher you made me laugh out loud ...bricks at the cars!!! WOW!!!!
Lunch gin…too funny!
I don’t know which made me laugh harder, the article or all the comments posted. I LOVE being Catholic!
Love, love, love it!! And so true. However they forgot one point, not all Catholics ‘give up’ something for lent, some opt to donate their time, like adoration twice a week, cutting the elderly neighbor’s lawn ect…...Just another aspect of lent that is often over looked!
I’m glad I’m not the only one who’d like to see Sebelius as a Dalek. I actually googled it; no luck.
Once again, Simcha, reality needs to catch up with your imagination.
Naked kids throwing bricks at passing cars, that still has me laughing. Yes, I am fasting from facebook this year, as well as fasting and abstaining every day. I enjoy fasting from judging people and feasting on seeing Christ in everyone (that is hard). I have resolved to spend more time in prayer and with my husband when not on facebook. Spending time with my husband means watching college basketball, now THAT is penance.
Hope you aren’t trying to say something about homeschoolers here. I have never homeschooled/been homeschooled but I do have respect for people who do so - some of them anyway - so I hope nothing was meant to be implied.
I didn’t give up Facebook, but I did give up reading blogs for Lent. It’s not going so well…
I was at Subway on Wednesday(our kitchen was being redone it was a no cooking week).I ordered tuna subs and the girl behind the counter who sounded Iraqi said ‘there is a lot of people ordering tuna today!”
I showed her my forehead and told her if they have ashes and order tuna they are Catholic.. she went ohhhhhhhhhh!
Yeah we have several Moslem familes in our town they own a deli, while the Indian family owns a liquor store and spice shop and they rent Bollywood movies too.
It’s nice to let them know what was happened Wednesday my daughter said the church was packed for the 4:15pm Mass. She said that more people go to Ash Wednesday Mass . more than Christmas and Easter.. go figure!
My spouse & I went out to lunch after noon Mass on Ash Wed. 2 of the waitresses came up & asked what the stuff was on our foreheads. I said “Today’s Ash Wednesday. That means it’s 40 days till Easter.” Blank stares. So I tried again: “They’re ashes. They’re supposed to remind us that we’re going to die.” They looked at each other & said, “Eeeewwww.” Then a light went on in one of them & she said, “Oh I know…you heard the Mayans said that 2012 is our last year.”
Sigh.
My favorite was when Hubby & I were remodeling the bathroom, and had to stop by the hardware store after Mass. After asking us about our project (ripping out floors due to dry rot) she said “oh how cute, you must have looked at the spot at the same time.” Hubby said, “no, she went first” while wearing his “Proud to be Catholic” shirt. he wasn’t even Catholic yet!
One Lenten Friday, my brother, who was away at college, got a call from my Mom. “Did you remember to abstain from meat?” she asked.
“Don’t worry, I remembered, so instead of sausage and eggs, I had a bacon sandwich for breakfast” he answered. Sad to say, a true story.
Exterminate! Thanks for a good laugh, Simcha.
I was praying this was tongue in cheek. Alas it is not. I regret many non Catholic’s or Reformed Catholics do not get it. This is was Lent is to many many Catholic’s. I am a cradle Catholic who left the Church and spent 12 yrs in the ministry of a Protestant denomination. For me as a Catholic to us Lent is a time of preperation. I realizeI still have too much time on my hands and know of several people who have been struggling with issues from health, jobs, kids etc. So I sent those people emails and followed up with calls and asked them for the priviledge of being their go to prayer warrior this year. I came up with RyHip. If I get a text or email from those individual(s) that say RyHip I will stop immediatly and get down on my knees. There is no need for them to explain. RyHip, stands for “Raise Your Hands In Prayer.” All those I am doing this for are non Catholic and it gave me the chance to share with them Lent. I am praying when the time is right I will share with them how we Catholics go to Saints in the same way. This is such a priveledge. If anyone wants me to do this for them send me a private message. I would be HONORED!!!! As a Protestant or anti Catholic please help me understand what you will be doing to celebrate Easter other than planning you Easter outfil and stuffing Easter eggs…..
Is this an attempt at humor? This will certainly make it easy to give up reading The National Catholic Register online. Oh and not just for lent.
Wow, think of all that money Paula’s gonna save on her NCR online subscription.
Some people should give up being so high strung for Lent. Just sayin
We really must have that Sebelius picture. I would do it myself if I knew how. Laughing out loud at the comment from thereserita above.
As a really old cradle Catholic, I thought I’d heard them all. But Simcha, my dear, you really had me laughing. (Very un-Lenten-like howling.)
@Mildred: what a besutiful and truly good way to help others and share the Faith! Thank you so much for sharing your “RyHip” idea!
You know what a “Dalek” is?!?!?!!? You are officially the coolest blogger. Thanks for another wonderful ‘blog. I’ll have to share it! It’s all true!!
Guess I am not such an old fuddy duddy for never having a facebook page or engaging in the “electronic social media” since people are giving these things up for Lent. Maybe they really are just time-wasting vices after all.
This is the outcome of “according to MY, ME, UNDERSTANDING” it throws things out of whack, off balance. Conversion of mind, etc. is needed.
hmm creeping people out on facebook , taking the new evangelization to heart? that hurt. guess i wont be “liking ” your blogs on FB anymore.
Day after Ash Wednesday, posters on political websites castigated Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum for not wearing ashes to the presidential debate on Ash Wednesday, or, in their words - “...on the HOLIEST day in the Catholic Church”.After wiping my eyes from laughter, I thanked them for injecting some well-needed humor into a somber and reflective time of year for Catholics, and to please continue to live up to the standards of those who know very little and shout that knowledge from the rooftops.
And then I took a little sippy from my lunch gin. Great article - thanks for the smile!
I would have found this hilarious if I hadn’t given up blog reading for Lent. Oh dang, I blew it again.
Thanks for some great laughs! Lunch gin! Lol I need some of that. I have to share this with my teenagers. This is priceless!
Simcha- you kill me, woman! My kids are naked on the roof throwing bricks even when I still have the lunch gin….(You know you can only get away with this because we love you!, and it is oh so hilariously true! ;0))
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