I have a smart mouth. My brain, not so much. But I know I’ve done enough damage to people with my words that I’ve learned over the years to hold my tongue. So I tend to… ruminate, as my wife calls it. (She thinks that’s better than calling me dumb.)
But when confronted by a smart aleck comment, my mouth wants to attack. Maybe it’s growing up with five smart aleck brothers and one smart aleck sister but I learned to aleck. I may not be smart but oh boy do I aleck. I aleck lots.
I’m telling you this because a friend of mine had a barbecue this past weekend. As my kids and I got out of our car and walked up the driveway, I spotted a man getting out of a huge black SUV. As God as my witness he had his collar up. I mean, who does that, anyway? I’d never met him before but he and his little boy were clearly going into the same barbecue so we kinda’ walked up the driveway together. And the first thing out of his mouth was “Are they all yours…hee hee?”
Before the words are out of the guy’s mouth I had six nasty comments to whip back at him on the tip of my tongue. Oh, I was all ready to aleck. But I held my tongue. And I was proud of myself. I get proud of myself real easy.
“You know what causes that, right?” he persisted.
Oh boy. My aleck was set on stun. (Yeah, and I’m really good at it!) But again, I held my tongue.
“How many more you gonna’ have?” he asked loud enough for the people in the backyard to hear.
“God only knows,” I said softly and I meant it. And I was proud of myself for saying nothing. I told you how I am. I get proud easy.
We all walked into the house and into the backyard. I waited to see which way he went and then I went the opposite way.
So the barbecue rolls along and my children are pretty well behaved as opposed to some other children including…ahem…Mr. Collar’s one kid who knocked over the potato salad. And I love potato salad (I’m not holding a grudge. I’m just mentioning it.) Anyway, Mr. Collar-up sidles up to me in the backyard and he tells me that he wishes his one kid was as well behaved as my five.
I say thanks. He’s lost his “can you hear me in the back row” baritone and he’s speaking in what I gather is his inside voice.
He asked me what it’s like having five. I’m thinking there’s gotta’ be a mercy rule here on beating this subject into the ground. I’d like to buy a subject change but I hold my tongue. No, I’m not holding it. I’m reining it in and kicking it in the side. I’m breaking its will. (Try working out that image.)
“It’s good,” I say and secretly wish my kids were less well behaved so I’d have an excuse to excuse myself and run away.
“It’s gotta’ be tough,” he said. “I mean, it’s tough with one.”
And that’s when I realized. Something had changed. He wasn’t asking all smart alecky and sneery. He was asking me. Really asking me. So I turned to him and I told him.
I told him the truth. I told him it was great. Better than I could’ve imagined. I told him that five children was about five more children than I ever thought I’d have. I told him that I’ve learned more about life and love in the past 11 years from the kids than I had in the previous 31. I told him I’m happier and more responsible than I’ve ever been because of them. I told him that every night when I pray I thank God for them.
I told him that in life I maybe have made only two good decisions and one of them was marrying my wife and the other was having children. And it seems to me that if you make those two decisions right, a whole lot of the little decisions just seem to get worked out.
I told him that I never heard of anyone on their death bed thinking that they wished they had fewer people around to love who loved them back.
He kinda’ looked at me for a few moments and then turned back at the party. Then he told me quietly that his wife was “pushing” for another child but he really didn’t think they could afford another.
I told him you can never afford them. But you find a way. I said sometimes you can’t imagine how you can handle another but the moment they come, you can’t imagine the world without them. And you wouldn’t even want to.
Shortly after, one of mine fell on her knee and I had to go check on her. Minor scrape milked for extra ice cream. (Well played, little girl. Well played.) Mr. Collar-up left shortly after and I did too. I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. I honestly don’t even know his name. But he taught me that I should try really hard to hold my tongue because you have no idea where people are in their lives or what they’re going through. And there are times you should hold your tongue. And times when you shouldn’t.
So I learned something and you know what…as I left the barbecue I was kinda’ proud of myself.
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Wonderfully written and so true. So many times when people wonder, even if they sound adversarial at first, they are wondering what their own life would be like if they had more kids, or regretting their decision not to. Way to go witnessing to life, but watch that pride thing! :-)
Go Matthew! I have to admit, I can be a bit of a smart-aleck too. I mean, when people say “You do know what causes that, don’t you?” don’t you kinda just want to say “Yes, and we’re thankful for still having it in our marriage!”
But God is truly good and He truly does put people into our lives that need a little seed planting. Thanks for reminding us not to miss that opportunity!
You should be proud of yourself. There are a lot of lists out there: Retorts For Smart-pants People in the Grocery Line. You know those people, the ones like Mr. Collar-up, who are shocked that you have x number of children, then they go on to tell you how many they have, why they stopped at x number, and what they’re doing to stop the flow of offspring. What you recognized, Matt, was that, while Hilarious Retort #230 would make you feel relieved and clever for about 10 minutes, what you really would have done was blow an apostolic opportunity. God tries to reach people through us, and if we’re too busy being personally slighted to recognize His action in the situation, we might deprive a person of their chance to change! And God will hold us responsible. So keep the rebuttal list, and save it for the openly hostile, not the uncouth and curious.
I don’t think I could have loved this post anymore. Beautifully written and wonderful thoughts! I have quite a bit of aleck in me too (as well as four children to go with it) and you certainly gave me reason to be hopeful the next time I’m holding back.
Matthew,
The more I read your stuff (CMR daily), especially the posts at NCR, the more I feel I must ask: did your mom have an extra boy circa late 1973 and give him up for adoption? Because there is NO way we aren’t related - maybe 2nd cousins.
I cannot count how many times I have had to explain that 5 kids is EASIER than one or two b/c they always have playmates - and the older HELP entertain the younger unlike when it’s just a single kid requiring constant stimulation.
Anyway, when you decide you like heat, on your way to Jen’s house, look me up in Fort Worth, TX
Good work…
Oh, what a great post! I’m the oldest of ten and, boy, could I tell you a list of things I heard shouted at my parents in public (all things that will end up in future books and stories..lol). Here’s to you for being patient…:)
God bless you, Mr. Archbold! This is just what I needed to read today!
Favorite CMR post EVAH…and that’s saying a lot, let me tell you!
Well, played, sir.
I’ve learned that my own wit and comedic talent are gifts, but mortification can be a bigger gift. Look what fruit your mortification bore with that follow up conversation!
Thank you for sharing this story (& thanks to Kristin D for sharing on FB), and for your continuing humor.
Thanks guys for the nice comments.
Bryan, I’ll check with my mother. I’ve always thought Patrick was adopted so maybe there was some kind of switch.
matt
Posts like this are why you’re one of my favorite writers. Love, love, love this post.
This is great. Yes, you never know what is behind the other guys smart aleck remark. I know it must get tiring, but try to give the smart alecks the benefit of the doubt and tell them what you told this guy. You never know…..
As a fellow aleck I particularly enjoyed reading about the fruits of your tongue holding…or tongue will breaking! Interesting thoughts, lovely words, great example. Thanks for sharing so eloquently!!
Beautiful post! I too have found that many of the people who ask questions that seem rude are really searching or even hurting. Personality-wise I’m uncomfortable getting into these conversations because they are so personal, but don’t feel comfortable with the smart remarks either, so I usually just try to keep it simple and positive. Many of the conversations have turned out to be surprisingly fruitful. (Quite a few of the “I’ve always wanted to have a bunch of kids, but my two are so challenging right now that I’m just not sure” kind of things.)
I’m also at place right now where I’m particularly enjoying the fruits of having a gaggle of kids. We have six and our oldest just left for college - across the country. We’re SO glad we won’t be empty nesters for many years!
What a great post. I find it so frustrating when people make these kinds of comments. We have been blessed with three and I would LOVE to have more children. The “Are they all yours?” and “you know what causes that?” (worst thing to say to anyone ever!, btw) comments have always struck me as cruel.
Thanks for the reminder of how we are supposed to “do unto others…” and that such nastiness usually is coming from a place of pain for the person who is perpetrating it.
Rather than focus on the snarky comments made to us w/ large families (heard them all w/ 11 kids), I want to commend you for following whatever spark of the Holy Spirit inspired you to hold your tongue.
Had you blasted him w/ anyone of the witty replies I know you know, he might not have felt comfortable to open up to you. And that is all that matters - following the inspiration to speak up and sometimes not lets God do what He wants instead of us doing what we want.
Here’s to praying you run into Mr. Collar next summer and see a baby in his arms!!
Love this post! Not sure if it’s God’s plan for my hubs and I to have a large family (we’ve struggled with fertility), but I can certainly benefit from holding my tongue in many other situations. What a great witness! Thank you for being open to life - and knowing when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em (the tongue, not the kids!)
What a great reminder to curb our comments no matter what aspect of our lives and faith is being taunted! I commend you for not giving into being aleck. (Loved the imagery of breaking the tongue’s will, by the way.) This brings me great hope that if you can refrain from being alecky, maybe I can temper my feistiness.
You should proud of yourself and for this post. You Archbold boys sure can write.
Well written! Preaching the word with your life is most effective.
One couple I know did not want a second child. Seeing other families happily growing, they finally decided to have another and I’m so glad they did! My godson is adorable and he and our youngest are best buddies!
Thanks for this. I’m not quick enough to be smart alecky, so I’m usually kind of speechless when people start that stuff. But what I’ve noticed is that it seems that the vast majority of those who comment and prod like that are actually just fascinated - mostly in a good way - and a lot of them will express secret desires for more kids. Many, many just want to ask how you get your kids to behave so well. A few that never failed to comment on our family size later went on to have large families themselves. Maybe I’m just getting to old to be embarrassed anymore, but I welcome the attention these days, and tend to assume the besy of commenters. Thank God they have the guts to risk our irritation. Conversations like these can change (maybe even save?) lives.
People also assume that because you have a large family, you HAVE to be Catholic. I used to belong to a pool and this man was there with his nine kids and people would say “are they all yours?” and his answer was yes, they are all mine and I am not Catholic! When they sat at the picnic table for lunch, they were quiet, respectful of one another, etc. They were the nicest family. Also I am the youngest of six and yes, there is a lot to say about big families, my one sister was good at emulating singers and she’d entertain us. We all had different attributes and used them. BIG FAMILY ARE FUN TO BE A PART OF—-AND WHEN YOU GROW UP, THEY ARE A GREAT SUPPORT.
You made me cry. Thank you for this post. And the reminder to hold my tongue, and boy is it hard when strangers are asking my teen if my baby belongs to them.
The last time I got it really bad I was in line at the grocery store. The woman, after telling me her daughter was getting her tubes tied, asked me if I was like the Duggars (I have seven with one on the way). Then asked me how big my house was. I swallowed hard and told her that we live in a 1700 square foot house, all ten of us… grandma lives with us too.
Her face went white. She said that was how big her house was and there were only three of them all complaining about wanting more space. She didn’t look shocked so much as it gave her something to ponder.
It is true when we hold our tongue we often make the most impact… although I do enjoy the faces of some people when I do give them some canned response, but I will try to be better…
I have almost double your amount of children, and only once did I know for certain that the Holy Spirit was directly involved in my answer to those inevitable questions or comments on my family size. I was pregnant with the eighth, Peter, when someone thought it was clever to introduce me to the head of Planned Parenthood in this area at a party. We came together, found out our opposition in polite surroundings. I prayed like crazy, because I already had standard responses that I knew were probably not going to work.
She looked stunned, as I did, and said politely “Well, I believe people can have children if they are planned”. And I responded,“Well, I believe all children ARE planned…by God.”
I walked away, feeling terrific at the Holy Spirit’s answer. I can always tell when it is Him and not me…like Matthew I am a smart aleck and usually feel quite proud of myself and superior to the other person. You know, like that Pharisee in the front of the church who thanks God he is nothing like that sinner in the back…This one time nothing like that had to be admitted and fought…guess that HAS to be God not me!
I am kind of proud of you two. I have three kids and they are my treasure. Thank you for sharing. God Bless!!!
Another great post :)
Bravo ! My wife & I got to the point we almost hated going to the shopping mall & getting the”...better you than me….” comments as we strolled arund with our four kids including young twins. Now we wish we’d had more.
Dear Matthew,
Thank you for a very inspiring message. I have six and I never minded the comments because I saw it as a battle for truth and goodness, but after reading what you had to say, I see that I was wrong. It IS a battle, but not a harsh one. If we can see past the snide comment and let others see the joy that we have in our larger families we actually have a better chance of bringing them to that joy.
Sincerely,
Bob
You are awesome and funny and you’ve inspired this Mother of five to be more thoughtful with my responses to strangers who ask if we are crazy.
Thank you.
Tara
Wow. I will keep my mouth shut more often now. Thanks for the refreshing change of perspective :)
I love your writing style. I laughed a lot. Having nine children, I have heard it all but I always smile and say they’re wonderful, can’t imagine life without them. I love to say that the more I have the less selfish I get. That response is always greeted with silence. But it’s true so I say it.
So, how many more are ya gonna have? ;-)
Marci,
God only knows.
My wife and I joke that we should just get the T-Shirt…
“YES, I have my hands full”
Thank you for such a wonderful story. My husband and I have seven wonderful kids. If I had a dime for everytime I have been asked if I knew how that happens I could retire. We have been blessed and I have seen the envy in people’s eyes when they witness the love and kindness our kids express for one another. Thanks again and many blessings.
Thank you for sharing. I have 5, ages 15 to 3 months. It’s hard, but everything you said is true.
I’ll also try to check my inner aleck more often.
I AM impressed by your tounge-holding skills, specially in face of the most stupid question ever: “you do know how that happens, right?”... but I’m glad you had the chance to witness to this man
What a great post. I am mom of four with another on the way. It doesn’t help that I have a baby face and barely look old enough to have one. I hear comments all the time. I constantly bite my tongue but I have never thought about it like this. Thank you for sharing.
Pregnant with number six, I was hit with the usual, “you’ve got your hands full!” Quip. Feeling proud of myself, I responded, “better full then empty!” My husband reminded me after the woman walked away that she’s suffered multiple miscarriages. II have to remember to be humble with the blessings God gave me!
I have six brothers and sisters (4 & 3). Last year our mom and dad both died two months apart. Without my siblings, I CANNOT imagine how I could have gotten through the past year. Going through this overwhelming tragedy in a huge group (spouses, nieces and nephews too) is way easier than trying to go it alone.
All you people with very large families, you are giving your children the gift of an amazing network when they are adults. We squabble, certainly, but in the end we all know the other’s love us and are there for us. We all know we will ALWAYS be taken care of if we need to be.
I’ve never thought about this in the context of the large family questions until I read this article. In the future, I will hang onto my snark, and try to gently explain my experience as an adult with a large family. Thank you.
I read the opening line, “I have a smart mouth,” and immediately wanted to borrow from the malapropistic comedian Norm Crosby and reply, “I resemble that remark!” Smart aleck, punaholic, that’s me.
Thank you, Matthew, for the column. First, it reminded me of how a gunfight of wittiness can bring victory in the battle but defeat in the war. Second, it was refreshing to get the perspective of a husband and father of a large family on these public encounters with people expressing, down deep, their own discomfort with the number of children produced from one union.
Like you, I am a former journalist who answered a higher calling. I was a sports writer who became a diocesan priest. I call it switching from the sports news to the Good News. With my collar up. But I digress. Back to my second reason for thanking you for this down-to-earth, real-life column that communicates spiritual growth in yourself and at least one other person, I hear of those kinds of encounters quite often in my parish, but always from the perspective of the wife and mother.
And to Susan M, Your zinger was appropriate considering to whom and to what you were replying. “All children are planned…by God” is so true (Psalm 139). That sums up the testimony of several couples I’ve met who said they conceived “while on the pill.” That experience caused them to get off contraception because “all children are planned by God.”
Great article!!! I love it when people have lots of children. Children are God’s gifts to us!!! Thanks for being a great example to the world!
I love this story. We are the parents of 6 children with a 7th on the way. I think I have heard it all. I have gotten more snarky, like when people ask what we are “trying to do”, I’ve said we are trying to outnumber the stupid people. But sometimes it’s best to remain quiet. :) Thank you for sharing.
As a mother of 9, I’ve heard it all! God has helped me to think the best of people, and not get offended when I hear too many questions, or dumb questions. We’ve had alot of good conversations as a result, and have blessed alot of people. I think one of the reasons that we have a big family is to be a “light” wherever we go, and that means I have some decisions to make when people count us or question us or make rude comments. Good for you at the BBQ!
I was in Korea early this year for business and went out for dinner with a contact following a meeting. He asked how many children I have, and I replied “three”.
He said he could only afford one, so I asked for an explanation. He explained that for one he has to pay for after-school tutoring, English school, piano lessons, etc.
We have eight, and 19 grandchildren. There are no words that adequately
describe the joy. Their father, grandfather just came home from and eleven day stay in the hospital. His recovery will take weeks, however
he has never been alone. His time in the hospital was divided between
them so 24 hours every day someone was there for him. It was
their opportunity to thank him for 48 years of love and devotion he has
bestowed on them.
Our children are there for one another. Are one another’s best friend.
They live within blocks of each other, and share child care, break bread
together, share joys and sorrows with one another.
It hasn’t been all roses; they have had their troubles, but faith in God,
and lessons learned within our home have cemented their relationships.
We thank God daily for them, they are the gift that keeps on giving.
I’m sure there are a lot of single mothers on welfare who would like to hear your story. They love their children too.
I have 7 children 7 more than I ever planed on. Now I have have 4 Grand kids and 2 more on the way. I never had much money but I am one of the blessed men alive my family is the greatest. Thank you GOD for your blessing!
Good on ya Matt!
Cheers from Melbourne, Australia
Andy Devereux
What kind of BBQ? The new (our 2nd year)Catholic High School (only 2nd one in this diocese) here HOSTED one today! Down here in North Carolina they have this vinegar stuff they put on the meat, and it’s starting to taste really good. [We don’t have a building yet, but we do have the land!We were raising money for tuition assistance today. (we rent classrooms from one -of two- parishes in town.) This is still “mission territory.”] I enjoyed the article and have gotten the question if my four were all mine—I always just smile and say, “just the cute ones.” I had no idea they were trying to be “contrary.”
This question veers off topic but here goes: Regarding the comment that all children are planned by God. I’m assuming you believe this includes those born to single moms, teenage moms, homosexual couples, moms who have multiple kids with different fathers, drug addicted moms, babies conceived thru IVF, children born in Somalia during famine and war that are born and starve to death. I’m trying to sort something out here so bear with me. When we sneer at the single mom on welfare with 4 kids she can tell us too that all children are planned by God so she must be doing fine? She gets to be a stay at home mom with gov’t assistance afterall. I’m not advocating sneering but we can get like that sometimes. How about the child of the lesbian couple—planned by God? Right—they ALL are. Not just the children of large Catholic families.
Does God really want children born into these circumstances arising from the above situations? No, He does not but He can redeem any situation. Are there any circumstances where a married Catholic couple could be in the same difficult position—meaning this is not God’s plan for a baby to be in this situation? I’ve heard some pretty difficult situations recently so I know being Catholic does not make anyone immune from a terrible place to bring a baby into.
All babies are planned by God but we do bear the responsibility that the babies are born into a place where they can be loved and cared for including into a marriage that reflects the love of God. So there maybe I answererd by own question.
I know it is late and I might not be clear but I’m trying to understand this theological expression. So often I hear on blogs from large families the martyrdom they feel they go through with comments from people who obviously do not have the grace of faith that they have. What else would you expect? You remember what is was like when you walked in darkness and did not understand. Don’t ever be snarky—I’m not snarky to all the Catholics I know that feel that need to make comments about my family size or schooling choice. I realize that when people make comments on either side that are snarky they have a high need for validation of their choices. Glad the author could rise above that in this circumstance.
planning families, Not sure how Matt will answer you, but God knows everything. He knows our mess ups and our successes and He uses them to accomplish His will, with or without our cooperation. We may sin to get our own way by avoiding child birth or by forcing child birth, but He knows the choices we will make. So in that sense every child is planned by God or at least “planned for” by God. The Old Testament foresaw that children would be slaughtered - “...Rachel weeping because her children were no more..” which has been linked to the slaughter of the Holy Innocents under Herod. Suffering is part of life. It is not something to be avoided like the plague but yes it is infinitely more bearable with faith. Mother Theresa saw it as a chance to draw closer to Christ crucified and to understand the love our God has for us. And every life is precious even it is born at a time of war and will die of starvation. That innocent suffering touched you. Perhaps made you kinder, more generous, peaceful and holier. God has a plan. It is too big for us to comprehend but it is still very real. When we try to really live our faith one day at a time and stop looking at the “what ifs” and “how abouts” and simply pray, and trust and love as much as we can each day we won’t “fear”. Not even in the face of calamity. Because God is still God and He will make all things work to good.
Hi, not Catholic here, but your post was passed on to me through Facebook. Reading the responses, I’m appalled at the number of people who say they’ve gotten comments on how many kids they have (snide or otherwise). I can’t imagine judging someone based on the number of children they have in their family or the (presumed) nature of their religion based on such evidence. I’m genuinely surprised at the callous way strangers and acquaintances make comments, as though each child is an object in a collection and not a human.
So let me take a moment to say, “GO CATHOLIC FAMILIES, GO!!” Make them babies and speak out for the Lord in the ways that you know best. My first has brought me nothing but delight and sleep deprivation and I look forward to my second kid coming to us as soon as possible. I can’t say that I agree with the Catholic viewpoints on all things, but we both love Christ as our Savior and that’s enough for me.
Loved the story. But - are there times when an “aleck” is charitable and helpful? For many years I’ve run into this fellow who is prone to bullying others with his mouth, often a source of embarrassment to innocent people. Not too long ago, I found myself sitting next to him at a gathering - and when a few people came into the room, he had a smart aleck comment to make about them. It happened three times. I don’t know what came over me, but each time he said something I countered with a comment - not too aleck-y or loud, but loud enough that he knew a few others had overheard. The bully had been bullied - and that was the end of it - haven’t heard a peep out of him since then. And, yes, of course I’ll go out of my way to be kind to him, as I’m sure someone who seeks power in bullying is struggling with inner discord.
Really glad I read this. I really liked the part where he mentions the if there were only two good decisions he made in his life, it would be marrying his wife and having children. I think that i definately need more patience when people.. idk, make judgemental comments. i dont have kids, but it goes out to all situations, this article has reminded me to be more understanding and patient to others. eventhough they might at first not be kind to you. be kind anyways. :)
Great story and great writing!!!
It’s true - so many people who are nasty at first are honestly wondering, and sometimes kinda hurting, or jealous, when they see all the love and respect we have and have no idea how to get there. It’s sad.
Matt, when you’re on the show I say you are a great writer for National Catholic Register and Creative Minority Report, but I guess it’s really true. You are a great writer. Nice job.
I have six. When people see us, they often say to me “God Bless You”...to which I reply “Thanks, but I’ve been “Blessed” enough! Blessings I got…What I need now is “God Help Me”) I say it totally tongue in cheek. It diffuses the situation, let’s them know I am aware of what it takes to raise 6, but my sense of humor is still intact. I don’t even consider 6 a big family! But by todays standards you’d think I was trying to compete with China for having the most people. I wish I could get people to understand that 1 is hard because you have enough time to realize what you are giving up. 2 is better but there is still a lot of “free time” to think about yourself. I always say that three is the magic number. By that point being a mother is who you ARE instead of what you DO. You stop thinking about yourself and become totally focused on “others”. Which of course, is what all Catholics are called to do. Hooray for kids. Gotta go now and let number 6 out of the closet…if I can remember which closet I locked him in, that is!
Wasn’t it St. Francis who said “Preach the Gospel always, and if necessary, use words.”
Matthew, you did both! I think those with large families are preaching such a beautiful Gospel message (and so counter-cultural,) that they automatically draw snarky remarks from the “I only want life to be easy for me” generation.
Thanks for the reminder to hold my tongue, because a smart aleck remark might feel great at the time, but extinguish any little flame for further dialog.
I am the youngest of 8, and I absolutely love coming from a “large” family. I want a large one of my own. I have 2 so far. Sometimes the comments that people give are from genuine curiosity, though some of them are very rude. I know that I will alot of times ask someone if they want more, regardless of how many they have, because I’m curious as to their motivations. Its amazing to me to see how many people really wanted the ones they have and really want more…or are leaving it up to God. I’m comforted by those people! I know my parents used to hear, “Are you the real Von Trapp Family?” And they would just smile and say, “no.” But I think, regardless of the intent of the comment, it can be a proud moment for the parents to know that their family size is recognized. Its like being a flag for Jesus everywhere you go. Also, I really appreciate your comment on “not being able to afford them.” Like I said, I have 2, and I want more. But that has been the first comment out of my husbands mouth for the last few years. “We can’t afford another one.” I feel that the Lord told us to “go forth and multiply.” No where does he say, limit your number of children. I feel the Lord has given me the desire to have more children. I decided that, instead of trying to convince my husband of all the reasons he was wrong, or to convince him of all the reasons why we should have another one…I simply told him the truth about how I felt. Then I decided to leave it up to God. We actually do have very good birth control, and I wanted to get rid of it. But I wasn’t going behind my husband’s back. Either we made the decision to have one together, or we didn’t do it at all. So anyway, I told him my feelings, and left it to the Lord to either change his heart or mine. Well, several weeks later, my husband (a man of very few words) walked into our bedroom, and said, “I think it time to have another one.” I looked at him stunned, ready for him to say, “just kidding.” But he was very serious. We talked about it quite a bit more, but the point is, God changed his heart. So we are now “trying.” But the truth is, no matter how much money you have, or don’t have, you never feel you have enough. And you never know what kind of crisis can happen to your money. The only thing you can know for sure is that God will provide. So, anyway, thank you for your post. It made me think, and it also gave me comfort.
Great post. Sharing on FB and Twitter.
Thanks for the kind reactions everyone.
This is such a great story and so darn funny! We have four and I like to think them growing up together gives them “practice time” to learn how to relate to other kids before they go to a bbq and it’s game time. Or for later in life as they navigate the world outside. Of course our kids (and us parents) are not perfect, but I’ve had similar things related to me like that man said to you.
Seriously great piece you wrote.
We have 6 and hope for more. When people hear that their jaws usually fall open. “Why?!?” they cry and we tell them because we like them all so much. Very few have any kind of comment after that.
Neither my hubby or me come from large families or even Catholic ones at that and they’re our harshest critics.
Thank you Matthew, this was beautiful. Well done, I’m proud of you too!
We have 5. When our oldest daughter went off to college, classmates would say to her “Five kids! Wow, that must have been so much fun. I’m only going to have 2 myself.” We wondered if they noticed the discrepancy.
My favorite comment is a remark John Paul II made when he was in America.
He said “Americans are very generous. They will give their children anything. What they should give them are brothers and sisters.”
Excellent!!!!
Mother of thirteen and grandmother of 34. The 34th is due to be born in October. More tears, laughter, and more love. When my youngest sister was dying my children came and helped. Her only child said “I wish I had 12 brothers and sisters”. Our children help each other in ways we are unable to help. A son’s fiancee asked me, Which of your children are you most proud? I replied “All of them, because they are compassionate and generous”. I am surprised I have a tongue left the many times I have had to bite.
I loved your writing! Growing up in NY, I have a whole lot of sacrasm and ALECK in me too! I hate to admit that it’s so difficult for me to keep my ALECK under wraps. We have four children (and 2 more in Heaven) and I often hear similar comments. When people say…“WOW, you must be so busy?” I typically say “YES, in the best way possible” I wouldn’t change a thing. Usually people appreciate that comment and I’m accomplishing alot by saying it that way. I get my point across in a non threatening way and always with a smile on my face! God is good! Thank you for sharing your experience. It will prepare me for the next encounter when I am out with my kids! I think once you go over 3 children, people get freaked out by the # of kiddos!!!
Saw on Facebook too.
Mom really wanted three but was on bed rest both times so she went with her tubes tied to keep not just one but two kids inconvenienced. Yeah sure she could have told Dad to wait a week but she wasn’t that kind of wife. They were raised Lutherans, we weren’t- on purpose. I was allowed to pursue Christianity because I wanted to.
In the end there wasn’t enough for two. I went to college on campus. Dad’s budgetary estimates presumed two commuters, even though Mom was certain he would hate doing the driving. My brother got an ROTC scholarship to shut Dad up, but quit school to avoid 24/7 of cadet rigor. I am the one with a graduate degree and he has less than a year of college.
When I am married I know the woman. She draws SSDI, which I expect her to lose when she is married, and probably will not help with expenses. I think more than one child is a mistake under those circumstances, and I know a urologist can rule out more than one pregnancy. It is a lot to ask a mortal man who can be fired to provide a steady supply of money for three people. She should thank God every day I have a job.
As I wrote in Catholics Are Christians, what distinguishes Catholics from non-Catholics is a premium on children. If you have the money above and beyond your mandatory offerings, have a kid or have another. Don’t blow it on something or some pleasure for yourself.
The non-Catholics (read Protestants) are far more willing to partake of what economists call consumption, at the expense of children, and will use mechanical birth control and sterilization as tools to bring that about. I’d put myself as a Protestant, either a Methodist or Baptist.
There are intelligent applications of money that have nothing to do with consumption of goods (car, electronics, etc.) or pleasurable services (beauty, comfort, travel).
1. Emergency fund. Especially if you are a sole income earner, you should have an emergency fund to care for everyone in case your income isn’t there for six months, maybe more. That dollar amount is proportionate to the number of people….
2. Retirement account. One day you won’t be working any more. Dave Ramsey describes retirement as enough money to live on so you can quit the job you hate. This could last decades. Even if you drop dead, your spouse could live decades….
3. College fund. Once again, proportional to the number of kiddos, college tuition and fees rise beyond the rate of inflation and will probably cost as much as a house in 2020 or 2030. The books, room, and board are not cheap either.
Want to live in a house or condo not an apartment? Good investment. But pricey especially as you get closer to major cities. Start saving even MORE.
I am so glad the siblings love each other. My brother, age 38, is a snot, relatively speaking, to me and was to dad and mom when they were sick and dying. Maybe Mom should have force fed him Christianity.
Um… I might take that back. I think volunteers to the religion make better converts than cradle Christians. Cradle Christians become teenagers and often rebel against their parents, and against God.
One of my favorite quotes is:
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
I have heard it attributed to everyone from saints to Plato, but regardless of who said it, it’s good advice.
Signed,
A fellow smart aleck
Matthew: I loved the talk you had with Mr. Collar at the barbeque! It sounds like he just needed to hear exactly the loving reply you offered about being open to having children! Thank you for being a good representative for Christ and the Catholic faith!
west19
I loved this blog, Mr. Archbold! Thank you for exploring the matter from another perspective and for expressing it so eloquently.
I’ve been a mom for twenty-seven years and a single mother of six for the past nineteen. Throughout these years, I’ve heard those exact comments, too: “Are they all yours?; Don’t you know what causes that?; How many are you going to have?”
When I was younger, these unsolicited comments used to anger me, but I hadn’t a quick wit—luckily!—so I always came up with a sharp retort after the offender was safely out of earshot. Over the years, I’ve found it interesting that these same stock sentences are the only comments/questions/accusations/ridicule (not ever sure which is intended) that can be trotted against those of us with families larger than the current norm. We parents of more children, however, have a plethora of possibilities from which to choose when responding to such appraisals.
If it weren’t for these six blessings, I would not be the woman I am today. That, in itself, is quite a godsend. For at the tender age of 18, I discovered I was pregnant, thanks to the solicitude of a girl-friend who drove me down to the local Planned Parenthood “clinic” for a pregnancy test. Thanks be to God, I carried the baby to term in spite of my friend’s protestations to procure an abortion. Although at the time I was wholly immersed in the self-serving culture of sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll, it is obvious that God worked his plan in spite of my selfish heart. I planned to place this beautiful baby for adoption into a stable, loving family because I did not think I could be a fit parent, thus my daughter lived in a foster home for the first two weeks of her life. Nevertheless, because of a rose from St. Therese in answer to a novena, I brought her home from Catholic Charities on Valentine’s Day in 1993. God knew that I needed this child just as much as she needed me. That day was the beginning of my trip down the road to selflessness.
I’m a slow learner when it comes to living life according to God’s plans, so He really had to knock me over the head to get my attention. As a result, I thank God daily for blessing me with the role of single parent of six. You stated, Mr. Archbold, that you “maybe made only two good decisions” in your life—well, I claim three. The first two, like you, are having children and getting married (reverse order), while the third would be leaving my ex-husband—father of the younger five children. I know that may come as a shock to other practicing, orthodox Catholics, but given the particulars of this case, it was warranted (remember, I was into a very different lifestyle in my late teens and early twenties, consequently, my “husband-picker” was quite out of focus).
We could never afford any of these children, but after I left him, God worked in people’s hearts, I got a good job, counseling, and a great deal of support, hence we never wanted for what we needed. Although child support was mandated (under $720. per month for six children), we rarely received it because he would not hold a job for any length of time. It was during these years that I learned to get on my knees and ask for help, to make use of the sacraments, to juggle a full-time job and the children as best I could, and to trust in God’s most bountiful beneficence. I recall my first Christmas as a single mom in our new home—I had no idea how I could provide any gifts under the tree for the children, and they were all too young to understand why not. One morning, a car I didn’t recognize pulled into the driveway and out popped a few ladies I recognized from church. It seems that some of the folks who had seen me at Mass with the children had pooled together to purchase Christmas gifts for them. One even had an envelope of cash from an anonymous donor to help us procure the basics for our new home. God is so good if we but trust in His wisdom, mercy, and love.
Today, five of these children are now hard-working, God-fearing (four of them), college-attending young twenty-somethings; the youngest is a senior high school student. While it has not been a bed of roses, that one rose has become a half dozen young adults and their still-selfish-but-less-so mom. Thanks be to God!
As another person who has quite a bit of experience being a smart aleck, I commend you for accepting God’s grace to hold your tongue when Mr. Collar was so clearly asking for a fight or intellectual discourse with a rather sarcastic tone. It’s so true that we don’t know what people are thinking and going through beneath the surface, especially if we are so quick with the quips that we never give them a chance to open up and speak what’s really on their hearts and minds.
I have a strong feeling that the Lord used you to move someone’s heart that day to see the gift of children more the way you do, as one that you didn’t expect or think you were prepared for at one point in time, but as blessings you’d never want to go through life without.
Perhaps just for fun and laughs you could write out the possible conversation complete with all of the comments you would have made as a smart aleck and make that another post to contrast what did happen with what could have. Afterall, sarcasm and parody done well are also gifts we can share with others.
Great post here. Thanks very much!
I love this! Thanks!
My husband went through the same thing that popped collar guy did when we had our 3rd. We had recently both lost our jobs (at the same time) and we had just committed to my becoming a stay-at-home mom. He was terrified that we’d lose everything. Of course, everything turned out fine because God always has a plan and we are so happy that we have our Cecilia Anne!
I am sorry but I grew up the oldest of 10 and our family stuggled finacially and emotionally and I think much of that strain came from having more children then they could afford. I suffered because of the lack of attention and love I didn’t get because my parents were too busy looking after others or working to see my pain.
Well said! As one of five children, I remember getting the best piece of advice from my mother as a newly wed. I asked her if she and my dad ever thought about money and having kids. She looked me in the squarely in the eye, laughed and said, “if your father and I had ever thought about money, none of you would have been born.” While we certainly weren’t “wealthy,” my brothers and sister had a good upbringing.
Now as parents of eight children, my wife and I are so happy we have the children we have and can’t imagine anything else. Sure it’s a chore. But so is anything that’s worthwhile.
Oh, my gosh. I loved this. Well done! Lived and written, that is.
With 5, out by myself with them I get a lot of comments too. Way to give it a positive turn. (fellow aleck)
It’s always so good to hear how others handle these sorts of situations. It can be difficult at times to know how or when to respond to “collar-up folks” when they make remarks like the ones you talk about here. I would like to share that at a recent NFP Valentine’s Day “Romance Night” in which the speakers brought up the frequently used line “do you know what causes that?” When a voice form the crowd shouted out “Yeah, great sex!” We all burst into laughter. I am not one to speak up much when people ask that question of me…but I am very interested to see what the reaction would be…
Recently, the Couple to Couple League published an article in it’s May/June issue of Family foundations in which the article’s author, Jill Brown, speaks about her travels and encounters amidst an anti-family/children society. Very good article by her and by you Matt. Your dedication to the Church and to families everywhere!
Great article!
My husband and I are expecting our fifth baby in October. We never expected the wonderful rewards God gives to people who are open to His will. We enjoy them every day.
“Don’t you guys have a TV?”
“Yes and all we watch is the fertility channel”...
“I have a smart mouth.”
Ooohhhh my, you and me both. It’s so smart it has a mind of its own.
I’m so glad I read this link from Jennifer’s page. We are expecting #5, and while this may be the end of the pregnancy road, we are totally cool with adopting more, God willing. Anyway, we are off to a Family Christmas with mostly people who don’t know us, and fully expecting the brunt of “Don’t you know what causes that?” type questions. I was loaded for bear, but perhaps I’ll be more forgiving in my responses. Perhaps I’ll say nothing at all. (It would be a Christmas Miracle!)
our darling daughter, mom to a 15 mo baby girl just lost her
7 week old through miscarriage. she is heartbroken as we all
are when these things happen. please pray for her.
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