I’m Not Attending the Straight Pride Parade This Year

Life got in the way of my first foray into identity politics!

Okay, guys. I’m in my garage building my float for the straight pride parade. I know, I know. When you think straight pride the image of a float isn't the first thing that comes to mind. But I’m new to this identity politics thing. Short, fat white Catholic guys aren’t really all that aggrieved unless they’re on Twitter.

And to be fair, I’d never thought of having pride in my straightness. I also never considered having parades or events to celebrate sins that I’ve avoided. Next year maybe we'll have the “I've never cheated on my wife” parade. Dude, just imagine how mad your wife would be if you didn’t show up to that one. Or maybe we'll start the “I haven't murdered anyone (yet)” fish fry.

Look, I get it. It’s a thumbing of the nose at our prevalent Social Justice Warrior culture and that’s cool. If any culture deserves it, it’s this one. It’s kinda why I voted for Trump. And he turned out to be perhaps the most pro-life president in our country's history so... BONUS.

But anyway, I’m all in on this straight pride parade thing. However, I’m having some difficulty finding the time to work on it and if truth be told, I'm having some problems with the design. Don’t get me wrong — I’ve got all the tools. I can build a heckuva float. I’ll be honest, I could build the eighth wonder of the world with some wood, duct tape, and the number of a good contractor.

Anyway, I got out all my tools and my wife said I should find a motif. First, I had to look up what a motif is. I thought it sounded like a piece of furniture like a duvet, which I also don’t know what that is either but I hopped online to see what kind of motif the parade was going for and saw that the mascot for the straight pride parade will be Brad Pitt.

Um, what?

So I made sure I was on the right webpage and it turns out I was. Okay. Um, I’m not sure this is the way to go after all. I was thinking something more like this:

I planned to keep working on the float (maybe adding some camo) but my neighbor walked up the driveway and we talked about building things from wood and duct tape for a while. Then we talked about lawns, schools and sports for an hour or so.

Now, I would’ve gotten back to work but I needed to drive my youngest from basketball and my oldest back to school for eucharistic adoration and my second oldest had to work at the mall. After that, my son asked if I could test him for his science final so I spent 30 minutes learning that my son smells like Xbox and doesn’t understand “sciencey things.” (His words.)

Then I had to retrace my steps and pick everyone up so my night was pretty much shot. After that, I spent 20 minutes listening to my wife detail everything she ate today — a habit I don’t know why we perform but we just do. Then I walked around the house turning out all the lights my kids left on and told everyone that nobody ever is allowed to touch the thermostat but me. This is the only piece of untouchable real estate in the entire house. The thermostat is mine! GOT ME?

I’m too exhausted now to work on the float so I’m going to watch the basketball game on TV and crack open a beer that doesn’t need a piece of fruit to make it taste good. My wife put her feet on my lap and my littlest daughter sat next to me on the couch and we argued over whether Steph Curry or Kawhi Leonard was better. I'm pretty comfy here so it seems I'll be skipping the Straight Pride Parade this year. But maybe next year. I've got big ideas. And lots of tools.