Get off the Hulu, Save America

America is being pulled apart at the seams. It’s a technological balkanization. America has become a bizarro Babel.

In Babel, everyone was talking but nobody could understand each other. But in America it’s now the opposite. Nobody’s even allowed to talk because the main topic of what we talk most often about -television- is now off limits as a conversation point. Let’s face it folks, television has formed the foundation of 70 percent of my workplace conversations in my life and 90 percent of my good ones. And now we’re being silenced because there’s people who are three or four or even five episodes behind.

Nowadays, anyone says anything about what they watched on television and you get three people holding their hands over the ears, running in place, and screaming “lalalalalalaladon’tsayanotherwordaboutitbecauseIhaven’twatchedityet.”

So we have to wait until they watch it online on The Hulu or better yet, you get people who (honest to goodness) are planning on getting the DVD of the Season of their favorite show for their birthday or Christmas and expect everyone just to be quiet until then.

Now what the heck am I supposed to talk about? My feelings? What? Not happening. I’ll gladly chit chat all day about my feelings about the finale of “Lost.” But I don’t want to talk about anything deeper than that. I like my shallow talk about what was on last night.

But nobody watches anything in real time anymore. It used to be everyone knew when E.R. was on and we could all discuss the special guest star who died. But now everyone’s watching their shows whenever they darn well please. True story. Recently someone actually asked me to stop talking about Animal Planet’s show “Finding Bigfoot” for fear I’d ruin the ending. Seriously. Guess what genius, they don’t find him/it. You know why? He doesn’t exist!

But now nobody can come into work and talk about anything they watched because all the “I’ll watch it when I darn well please” people put a gag on everyone else and all we can talk about is…nothing. I mean, if you don’t have television to talk about what in goodness’ name is there to talk about? Work? No! Love life? No. Kids? No way.

In the past we all talked about Norm from Cheers. How many fat guys were called “Norm” because of that show. And everyone would yell it every time they walked into a room. That’s social cohesion folks. That’s everyone being in on the joke. Now there is no joke because there’s a fear that someone may not be in on the joke. Someone’s grabbing their ears and screaming “lalalalalla.” Technology, which brought us together, is tearing us apart.

No more. I say to heck with them. Make them wear earmuffs. Here’s the deal. Ready for the remedy. People who watch television have to man up and refuse to stay silent. Here goes - the little girl from “The Walking Dead” we’ve been looking for all season is undead. Yup. She’s zombiefied baby. I don’t care if you were waiting for the DVD to come out.

Oh, the end of Showtime’s “Homeland?” Well, I didn’t really watch that after three episodes so I can’t ruin that. But I would. I totally would. I think America did it. And whatever “it” is is bad because America did “it.”

On “Chuck,” Morgan went bad for a little while but now he’s good again and dating Casey’s daughter.

I’m sorry I’ve been forced to be a ruiner but that’s how it has to be. Yup. I’m that guy. But don’t say you weren’t warned. If you’re guilty of television abuse you’re not just hurting yourself, you’re destroying the country. And I’m here to stop you. Join me.