My husband and I both work at our computers off and on throughout the day, and we email back and forth a lot. Every once in a while, I get what looks like an empty message from him -- just a series of dots in a box. This makes me laugh every time, because I know what happened: It's just Gmail being too smart for its own good again. When you end every email the same way, Gmail thinks it's your signature, and thinks it doesn't have to include it in every email, especially if it's a response to a response to a response to a response to a response. The recipient must know who it's from by now. So smart, right?
And so, when I get an empty email from my husband, I know it's because he wrote "I love you." He says it so often, at the end of so many emails, Gmail thinks it's part of his name. Gmail thinks that's who he is.
I used to be skeptical of people who dashed off a hasty "I love you" all the time. "Don't forget to pick up some ketchup and laundry detergent!" -- "'Kay, love you!" Way to cheapen the sentiment, I thought to myself. Why not save it for when you can say it from the bottom of your heart? That way, you both know it really means something.
I don't know if I've grown softer or what (mentally, I mean. Physically, there's no question), but I'll tell you what: I need it now. I need to hear him tell me he loves me, over and over again, especially when we're talking about ketchup and laundry detergent and dentist appointments and parent-teacher conferences and taxes and who needs more fiber in their diet. I need the reminder that he knows who I am, even on the days when, according to our accomplishments, we could easily be replaced by some unskilled laborers and an adding machine.
And I need to hear it when I know he's mad at me. He writes it then, too. He always writes it, and he always means it, because that's who he is. It's almost like it's part of his name.
Husbands and wives, do this for each other. Say "I love you." You don't have to do it all the time, but do it! Don't let it go unsaid. We all need to say it, we all need to hear it. And, if we want to stay married, we have to act like we mean it.
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My husband says it all the time too and there was a time that I questioned its sincerity because it seemed to over used. Now I know it is so very real and I often wonder about how awesome God’s love must be for me if this mere mortal is still so in love with me after 27 years of marriage. Thank you for reminding us that “I love you” never gets old.
This reminded me of one of my favorite quotes from Servant of God Dorothy Day:
“Ritual, how could we do without it! Though it may seem to be gibberish and irreverence, though the Mass is offered up in such haste that the sacred sentence, ‘hoc est corpus meum’ was abbreviated into ‘hocus-pocus’ by the bitter protestor and has come down into our language meaning trickery, nevertheless there is a sureness and a conviction there. And just as the husband may embrace his wife casually as he leaves for work in the morning, and kiss her absent-mindedly in his comings and goings, still that kiss on occasion turns to rapture, a burning fire of tenderness and love. And with this to stay her she demands the ‘ritual’ of affection shown. The little altar boy kissing the cruet of water as he hands it to the priest is performing a rite. We have too little ritual in our lives.”
—Dorothy Day, The Long Loneliness
You wrote your St Valentine’s Day post early!
My husband told me once he says it out loud when I’m not even there.
Amid dentist appointments and grocery lists and household chores is right, too.
I love this :)
“. . . we could easily be replaced by some unskilled laborers and an adding machine.”—felt this way about myself just yesterday. Was thinking, “I think I COULD get a job as a security guard!” If my dad ever said, “I love you,” to anyone, I never heard him say it.—and I have no problem with that. I have no problem with the sentiment in this post, either.
Had to go write the wife and remind her I love her after I read this. What a great post! :-)
I find that saying it a lot also reminds me that I do, in fact, love him. Because there are days when I forget because of all it takes to love the little people we created!
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/leaving.png
After this comic came out (which is shockingly true to our life) the phrase “Can you pick up something for the cat vomit” has now jokingly become a way to say “I love you”
Perfect! Thanks for the reminder.
My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We haven’t told each other that we love one another in at least 2-3 years. Even when we did, it was maybe (maybe) once per year. I can’t help but be utterly disappointed in my choice of a partner. I’d fallen away from God at the time and now have the partner I deserve on a spiritual level…we are so far apart in imparting faith to our kids. I do my best and she doesn’t do anything…she actually kinda leads them off into her spiritual netherworld. (sigh)
On a more human level, we have almost no common interests. Being in my mid twenties living at home made me feel pressured to get married, which I stupidly did with a partner who I’m still wondering why I chose. I pray for her, for me, for us. I will be faithful to her until death do us part, but I know it’s going to be another sucky 40-50 years.
Sorry, just anonymously venting here and don’t mean to hijack your post, Simcha. I’m just so thankful that there are real, loving couples out there to impart the truth of a happy marriage to all seekers. Please, just don’t look my way for marital bliss! :)
Thanks for the great post!
What a great reminder - and I had no idea Google could get this smart! Kind of creepy, and yet I sort of think it should be my goal to get my emails to my husband to provoke the same response. I find that when I start to get short and cut off quick phone calls to him without saying “I love you” at the end (or worse, jumping over his own “I love you” to me with a brief “bye”), it’s a red flag that I need to slow down and refocus on us. Thanks for the reminder.
I need those words every day, like oxygen. I would turn into a ghost if I didn’t speak them or hear them.
Thanks for writing about the little monumental things.
I love this. I like how your mindset shifted. Funny how life does that to us. For my husband and me, it’s easy for us to say I love you to each other all day long, but sometimes, I have to remember to say it to our children - especially the teenagers. ;) I do make a concerted effort to tell them at least once each day how much I love them.
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@I think I’m jealous - you and your wife and your marriage will be in my prayers for the next nine days. God bless.
“I need the reminder that he knows who I am”
I was sort of reminded of that once from my wife. My work email has auto signature:
Best Regards,
bob cratchit
Esquire
(or something like that). I have sent her emails from work without taking that off and putting “I love you” (or something like that.) Boy does she notice that! Later in the day I would not fail to hear, “What am I a co-worker or something” (or something like that)
@ I think I’m jealous…
Do not underestimate the power of just one praying partner. I felt a similar way many years ago about my husband. 6 years later he is the man of my dreams. God can convert and heal. Look for even a little good in your wife and focus on that. Give praise to God for her too.
I always thought I would be the sappy one because my husband is such a macho man. Nope, he says “I love you” all the time and means it. I read something wonderful in Fr. Jacques Phillipe’s book Interior Freedom about how we all need to see ourselves through someone else’s eyes. The way my husband sees me and loves me gives me a glimpse of how God must look at me. It’s healed so many wounds and I am SO thankful for this beautiful Sacrament!
@I think I’m jealous, no marriage is beyond hope. I will be praying for healing in your marriage. Love your wife because you vowed to love her and don’t give up.
This is great. My husband is equally effusive with the “I love you’s,” and believe it or not, it actually used to grate on me a bit too. I was young and somewhat flip myself, and mistook frequency of expression for superficiality…
After 10 years of marriage, and three kids, however, those little, hourly “drops” of affection have bored a whole Grand Canyon of love in my heart, one that grounds me so deeply through all the ketchup and dirty laundry and taxes.
It’s like the opposite of Chinese water torture, if that makes sense! (Chinese water love?)
@I think I’m jealous: Remember her when you fell in love, and all the beautiful times when you felt blissful with her. Pray, court her, and coax her back. You may be shocked at how that earlier version of her returns to you, only better than ever! Suffering distills in our hearts and becomes either like vinegar or fine wine. I’m going to pray for both of you too.
Another first rate post Simcha - well done!
My husband, too, reminds me constantly of how much he loves me. We will soon have been married 37 years. Like “I Think I’m Jealous” we too were not in a good place when we got married. We have both now turned to God, and he agreed to have our marriage convalidated in 2009. He is not Catholic, but he is protestant and going to church. So, @ I Think I’m Jealous, do not think of this as a life sentence. God gave you this opportunity and it’s up to you to come though for Him. Treat your wife as if she is the most perfect woman in the world, you might be surprised.
@ I Think I’m Jealous - I will be praying for you and your family. Don’t give up hope, I’ve heard of stories of marriages that were on the brink of divorce and have turn completely around. Nothing is impossible with God! God Bless.
I’m uncertain how much it means to me to hear “I love you” from my husband or family. My parents never once said it to any of us kids and I never missed it until when I was an adult and all the “experts” said how important it is for everyone to say this a lot. So I got up my courage one day and I asked my mom why she had never said this. She was kind of startled and explained increduously, “But you knew that we loved you because of everthing we did for you!” Which I have to say was true. Her generation didn’t “know” that they were supposed to say it in words. I guess I like it when my husband says he loves me, but I already know he does by his actions. I don’t think I would be crushed if he didn’t say it.
@ I think I’m Jealous. Good on you for keeping your kids close to God and not walking out on a rough situation. You’re doing the right thing. That said, my husband and I had a lot growing up to do when we got married. We sometimes grew up unevenly and sometimes grew apart. Four (going on five) kids later we have grown up and so much closer. Keep your chin up. Miracles happen every day.
Awww- cute! The hubs and I are pretty sappy. It gets us through the hard times. When we walked into our home for the first time after we bought it, he yelled, “Love!” at the top of his lungs so it would be the first word spoken in our new home. I think of that act all the time when I look at our front door…
My other half and I lived 300 miles apart for the first year that we dated. Early in our relationship (I don’t even know how the tradition started) we started leaving little “Good morning” emails to read before work in the morning. Since he gets up much earlier than I do, he’d write a little something before work, and I’d write after he went to bed in the evening so it would be waiting when he woke up. Usually it was just a few sentences of encouragement for the day, anticipation for the next time we’d get to see each other, or just a simple “I love you.” Three years later, we’re preparing for marriage and he lives only a few blocks away from me, but the tradition is still going strong (although I’m sure it’ll be less of a focus once we’re married and living under the same roof). That little reminder each morning really helps me get through the day!
My husband and I don’t say “I love you” to each other daily, but often and always in private. I never heard my parents say it to one another, but it was obvious as they were one of those hand-holding elderly couples. My parents didn’t say “I love you” very often to me and my siblings. We assumed we were loved by their actions. In our family it was just understood that you don’t let your feelings all hang out to cheapen them or embarrass others. The times my parents did verbally express their love are very special and it was usually at special occasions. My husband and I probably say “I love you” more often to our children, but it is not a daily or weekly event. I’m afraid I haven’t gotten over my skepticism about the casualness with which I hear people say “I love you.” It’s almost like a fad. I especially couldn’t get it when our neighbors had just finished swearing at and threatening each other (dialogue liberally sprinkled with f*** in every part of speech imaginable) and then the mom leaves, throwing off an “I love you” in the same manner she’s say “don’t let the dog out.”
Aww…that’s beautiful.
@Rosebud: That comic is amazing. If you ever get a chance to see the movie Lost Luggage (or something like that; it’s about a girl who becomes a nanny for a Hasidic Jewish family), do it!!! That is a central theme, always making sure the last thing you say is “I love you,” for you really never know if you’ll see each other again. I think about that every. single. day.
@I think I’m jealous: Praying, praying, praying! Remember there is incredible redemptive suffering in situations like this. You must read up on St. Monica! She had a terribly abusive marriage and angry sons but won Heaven for them.
@Kim: Picturing that made me tear up a little. Your husband sounds like a wonderful, wonderful person. :)
@Rosebud: In most cases, the cat rejects food mixed with its own hair (because cats are always grooming themselves with their tongues.)
So it’s actually a “hairball”, not carrying the smell of partly digested food you would get in human sickness. We have two “old lady” cats, now twenty years old. One way I show my love for my BW of 57+ years is by cleaning hairballs off the floor of their room, and changing the sand in their sandbox. I try to brush their fur often - it reduces the # of hairballs.
I do praise God for my BW, out loud sometimes.
Thanks, Simcha for a thoughtful post.
TeaPot562
Sometimes I get so busy with work that it’s hard to break free from that mindset. Another danger is that, when you’re really feeling like you love someone, you’re unable to do work or other practical things. Didn’t one of those saints write a book about the “living flame of love?” Wonderful post, Simcha.
Too true. “Love” of course, is an articulation of the Trinitarian “Ousia”. As St. Stan says here: http://youtu.be/QkMGr2MFfUM
It goes without saying that nothing born of this Ousia is subject to the natural laws; as are the passions.
Thats cool.
St. Rita of Cascia - my personal fave Catholic Saint.
@I think I’m Jealous:
I hear you. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I understand the pain and sorrow and relentless rethinking of your choices in spouse that comes with an unhappy marriage. It is a difficult process. I was coming to a dark place again when I had the most beautiful help from Jesus through confession- and my confessor and spiritual director. I will pray for you.
Is there someone you can pray with about this? Who can pray for you? We have found Retrouvaille helpful (a starting place) and are hoping to start counseling again. Also, I am feel like God put us in the particular parish we are in right now because the pastor is my lifeline- he has helped us both through talking and also recently, through my spiritual direction. I have also found personal counseling helpful. I know it sounds like a lot of counseling, but it was helpful to addres both the spiritual and the emotional/mental (I developed a good amount of anxiety and depression through this time).
Know there are other couple like you out there, fighting, hanging in there. it is a struggle. God bless you for hanging in there. I pray your marriage will be a blessing to you. One thing that struck me to tears and put things in perspective was something my confessor said to me during my confession of pride and anger. He said, “You may very well be better than him at certain things (patience with children, prayer life, etc), but remember, all those things ARE A GRACE, anything you have or have developed is ALL GIVEN TO YOU BY GOD. It’s a Gift, It’s Grace. When you feel prideful or angry, THANK GOD that he graced you with it. Fight pride with gratitude. “
Wow.
Humbled.
I will lift you up in my prayers. I have also heard that Fireproof and the Love Dare have helped people just have something to concretely do, especially when you aren’t sure where to start or you don’t think they are deserving.
Nice. Praying together is the proper way to release the deeper covenantal blessings of marriage. Of course, anything can be turned into a prayer. Counseling is fine, but doesn’t address the ontological need to belong to another (unless it is somehow turned into prayer). Then, both can sing as one:
We shall not care what people think of us, nor how they deal with us. We shall cease to be afraid of falling out of favour. We shall love our fellow man without thought of whether they shall love us back. Christ gave us the commandment to love others but did not make it a condition of salvation, that others should love us…. Let the whole world dismiss us as unworthy of attention, trust or respect – it will not matter provided that the Lord accepts us. ~ Anon
Yeah, my kids have even gotten to the point where they’ll say “I love you” when they go outside for any reason. Thing One even does it every time he takes the trash out. I love that. I think it’s pretty awesome. DH and I do say it very often, and it’s comforting. There are differences in HOW we say it at times, the “I’m worried about you but I don’t want to nag” version, the “I’m frustrated, but I have no idea why, but I do know I love you” version, etc. It’s become its own lingua franca. :)
The moment I realised that we shared a soul, was a moment that can never pass. Why? Because it was nothing less than the perfect love shared between the three divine persons. It made me look again at every aspect of my own logos. Washing the dishes became salvific. As holy an act as walking down the aisle with the holy gifts. Well put. Thank you :)
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