Last week, I mentioned that I was re-assessing how I manage “friends” on Facebook. Unfortunately, that required “unfriending” a lot of people that did not fit into the new guidelines. The reason for making the changes I did was not directly for the sake of having less “friends” or relationships, it was for the purpose of having better, quality ones. How we do this personally, however, while balancing our efforts to reach out to others and meet new people can be socially challenging.
A commenter on the post had a great question:
I am wondering how you will be able to filter out new people who you are reaching out to through your faith and media? I understand a core group of close, personal relationships, but I am timid about turning people down who may be reaching out to me because of my faith. My goal is to lead others to Him through Him. I would love some words of wisdom, or a blogpost on this.
Well here are some thoughts addressing my approach to this. Maybe it will help you and others. And I think these apply to everyone and how we manage our friendships online (and otherwise), not only if you have a blog or are specifically using new media to evangelize or reach out to others.
It’s all about intimacy. A good gauge for the depth of a relationship is its intimacy. How well do you truly know each other? And how deep does that knowledge go?
There are endless tools to build relationships and maintain friendships online. Websites, forums, groups, comment sections, social networks, twitter, email, etc. are all such tools. And each, depending on how we use it, offers opportunities to express various levels of intimacy with others.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that just because something is digital that it is not “real.” As people of faith, we surely know that just because we can’t hold or touch something does not make it any less “real.” And it can certainly still be extremely intimate.
Obviously, communicating digitally does put some (but not all) limits on some types of intimacy. But most kinds of intimacy are not only possible, but often shared more easily and quickly using digital media. This can be both dangerous and powerful. It can be used for both great evils and tremendous goods. And it is up to us to establish effective guidelines and barriers for ourselves to make sure we are using it all in a healthy way.
Therefore, I think it’s important to have clear boundaries to your levels of intimacy online. If you don’t have clear, conscious and deliberate boundaries then they will become more and more blurry over time and eventually non-existent.
Facebook is a good example of this. We add people as “friends” who we haven’t seen for 20 years. Or who we took one class with 3 years ago. Or who we hung out with on one occasion and never talked to again. Or of somebody we met in a forum online. Many times we add people who simply request to be our “friend,” even though we have no idea who they are. And then we proceed to share many of the most intimate details of our lives with them.
When we share the most intimate details of our lives with absolutely anyone and everyone, then those things end up not being quite so intimate anymore. Whether trivial or serious in nature, they just aren’t quite as special. And most importantly, guarding our intimacy is not just some matter of deciding who we allow in to our exclusive circles. It is supposed to work both ways. You let somebody in. They let you in. You show trust. And you receive trust. You become vulnerable to each other. It’s not to be taken lightly.
And, of course, we only have the capacity to enter into so many intimate relationships. This means, in a world with endless opportunities to say yes, you simply must say no sometimes. We have to do it with endless volunteer opportunities and with every sacrifice we make in every minute of our busy days to instead accomplish what is most important. We have to do it with our friendships, too.
So, to finally answer the original question.
First, pray. You simply must be in tune with God and his plan for your life in all that you do.
Second, establish boundaries. Just because somebody reaches out to you or wants to be your “friend” doesn’t determine all by itself the way that person should fit into your life. You must have some say also. Facebook, for example, can be set up using privacy settings and “lists” to control what gets shared with which people. It can get cumbersome, though, depending on how much you try to do this. But there are other ways to have a relationship with somebody online. Pick a different tool. Connect with them on another social network. Use a separate email address or an online forum. Do whatever works for you. But have those boundaries and stick to them.
Finally, remember your priorities. Don’t let your most important relationships suffer because you are spending all of your time proving somebody wrong on the internet, or counseling an especially needy person you met on a blog, or tracking trivialities about “friends” you barely know. Just because something is good in itself doesn’t mean you don’t have something more important (and just as good) to be doing - like building an extraordinary marriage, loving your kids or fueling your closest friendships. Make sure you take care of those first.
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Well said, Matt, and thank you. Boundaries seem to be the answer. I believe I am in tune with God’s plan. I never would have shared my personal journal otherwise, nor created the website and blog. Their sole purpose is to point the Way to Him. I have noticed in doing so, however, I may be losing some of the intimacy with my closest Facebook friends. Spreading His Word is all encompassing and time consuming. Boundaries are probably needed to better separate the two. Thank you for the insight.
If you would like to check out my endeavor, which is strictly spiritual, you can do so at http://marthasorbit.com/dailyblog/
I do agree with you. We are also working on bringing intimacy to web. It’s important to give importance to someone, who is really intimate with us.
I am working on a startup called
http://iddhis.com
This offers you to make a private account with someone who is very close to you, it offers to have communication in between both of them very transparently. Have a look, I would love to hear from you.
Thanx.
Here’s an etiquette question for you: What’s the polite way to defriend someone? I understand there may be different requirements depending on the relationship. Someone, with whom I socialize outside of facebook, defriended me without any comment or reason. I have waited for her to bring it up, but she hasn’t. Any thoughts?
Though I don’t currently have a big FB problem—one way to handle this if “defriending” is a concern (and I agree with the premise) is to create two accounts—one for your loose friends and another for the close ones.
This is precisely I am not on Facebook in the first place.
Perhaps you could open a facebook link to your blog
which is public (open to all)
and have a facebook page just for family and close friends. (those you would have to dinner regularily)
If necessary, as suggested, open a facebook page for all those people you met along the path of life and don’t mind talking with sometimes. not really “public” either just your sometimes see, sometimes do things with ...
Lines were really blured when “friending” became the “cool” think to do and it can be hurful when one is taught that “friending” is a measure of self woth” which of course it isn’t.
Perhaps the best way to un friend is to remind the un friended that facebook “friending” is an arbuitury, “invented”, category which is not a measure of worth. You could tell them how they can contact you in other ways.
God Bless
I faced this defriending problem the other day. More of a casual friend she has been getting a little too conspiracy minded over the last months. When I said i am concerned about the state of the union but I ultimately believe God is in control. She jumps in that there is no God and she can prove it. I politely said no thanks. She called me close minded and other things. I told her if she respects me she should respect my beliefs. After that it was time to defriend with an apology.
I believe this is a NON-issue. FB is like a journal. I post news, information and ideas. I look for news, information and ideas and I’m richly rewarded by like-minded people. I do not have intimate conversations or try to build “friendship” on FB. I think that is the biggest mistake. I would never create TWO FB sites because that would take up more time than I think FB deserves of my life. My friends and family contact me via phone, email and my front door. Those are the intimate relationships who take up my time and fill my life with the attention and love I need and I can give…
FB is a tool like a pen, a typewriter and a computer and I will not allow it to become my LIFE. The only thing I pray for is that the informaiton that I give and take from this tool is all for the glory of God. Period!
I think the recommended way to handle this is to have a Facebook profile to interact with your family and true friends, and then to have a separate “fan page” that you use to communicate with the rest of the world. That’s how I do it. I have an extremely private personal page that I really use only to communicate with my adult children and I also have a very public fan page for my blog that has about 250 followers. I think this is why the fan page feature was set up, to accommodate this exact situation.
I don’t think the internet should ever be the forum for detailing intimate aspects of one’s life and personal issues.
However, I use fb as a means of evangelization.
Because of fb, I have been able to have discussions with former church members who would never ask me up front why I became Catholic. It has also lead to a few flame throwing events on line as well, but it’s worth putting up with the naysayers if someone out there can find out how how beautiful the Catholic faith is.
I never go looking for friends. If someone friends me, then I don’t feel bad if they freak out over what I am saying because, afterall, it was their choice to friend me. God bless
www.crossedthetiber.com
I completely agree with what Russ said. I understand the importance of intimate friendships and I think they are important, but I don’t think Facebook is really the best forum for intimate friendships. I mainly use Facebook as an evangelization tool and also as a way to stay connected with friends that I that I probably wouldn’t stay connected with if it weren’t for Facebook.
I’m in the same boat; people friend me because of public activities (Catholic radio in my case) and it’s been difficult to keep the personal and public Facebook pages separate. I’ve gone the opposite way and treated both as public; I rarely post anything to my personal page. I’ve thought about either doing the same kind of friendectomy that you did, or perhaps starting a group for friends and family. I think, though, that it’s important to recognize that there’s no such thing as genuine intimacy on social networking sites. One friend—whether you know them well or not—can make your most private post public. No matter what your privacy settings, if you have any Facebook friends at all, your wall is public.
Actually, according to the Catalog of human population the most compatible people or soulmates are those who have their birthday on the exact same date. People with birthday on the same date are completely the same!
To piggyback on Sean’s comments above, I agree that there is no such thing as genuine intimacy on social networking sites, but what these sites should do it ultimately lead to genuine intimacy in real life, and help assist in better developing relationships in between the times that we don’t get to spend with people in real life. In my case, I’m thinking about cousins and other relatives I haven’t seen in 10 years, but Facebook helps me still feel connected to their lives. I also think of friendships that start at places like the Catholic New Media Celebration, and are only renewed once a year and such events unless we actively try to stay engaged in the time in between, even if just in cyberspace.
This article, by the way, has really stuck with me all week long, Matthew. Kudos for bringing this up.
Mr. Warner, when I received a message from you “unfriending” me on FB (I did not even know that we were “friends”) but asking me to join your fan page, I thought it to be the rudest thing I ever saw. There are ways to “hide” people on FB without being rude. Or just quietly remove them from your list of friends(I certainly would not have noticed you removing me.)But removing them while asking them to join your page is a bit crass, to say the least.
Elena,
I think there must be some kind of understanding. I was simply letting people know that the stuff I had normally posted to my personal profile was now going to be posted to my “Page”...so you were welcome to follow there if interested. I also enjoy keeping in touch with a lot of wonderful people I’ve met online that way as well. I’m sincerely sorry if my intentions were misunderstood. God bless you.
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