Doesn’t anyone want to be a grown-up anymore?
When I was a child I wanted to grow up to be an adult. But now it seems so many of the adults I meet seemingly want to be children.
I met an old friend recently and had my five kids in tow. I introduced him as Mr. So-and-so. And right away he interrupts me and says to my kids, “Oh, just call me Ed. Mr. So-and-so was my father.”
So my children look nervously between me and “Ed,” and they opt for quick hellos and avert their eyes.
What is it with people?
I know he meant it as a way to connect with my children, but isn’t it really an obstacle in that it confuses the relationship? My mother has friends who I wouldn’t dream of calling by their first name. In fact, I don’t even know their first names now that I think about it.
The irony is that in speaking with “Ed” he tells me that “The problem with kids nowadays is that they don’t respect adults.” Well?! When adults introduce themselves to children as peers, they should expect to get their blocks taken from them once in a while.
“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: But when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1 Corinthians 13:11).
Let me ask it plainly — Do you really want the punk who takes out your daughter calling you by your first name or calling you “Mr.” or “Sir?”
The thing about children is that they don’t know a whole lot. And I know this may shock some, but a child’s opinion should not be valued as much as an objective fact or an adult’s educated guess. Children haven’t thought things through. Adults are supposed to be very different from children. But so many adults have punted on their responsibility as teachers. Too many of us have this inexplicable desperate desire to be the cool parent and not talk down to children.
But in the end these children will simply learn to continue being children, as they have no other example. They will see childhood as a destination rather than a phase.
As a child I feared and didn’t like the old man down the street who told us kids to get off his lawn. But he at least taught me something. He helped to teach me respect for other people’s property. The lady down the street who allowed the neighborhood teenagers to party in the basement unchecked never taught me a thing.
The odd thing I’ve noticed about respect is that it’s contagious. If you ask children to call you “Mr.” other parents notice, and they sometimes start following the same practice. They begin feeling a little silly being called by their first name by someone who has his shoes on the wrong feet.
And they should. This childish behavior of adults puzzles me. You?
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Great thoughts, Mr. Archbold - sir! I especially like the point about the old man down the street. Too many party ladies and not enough grumpy old men anymore.
Matthew,
We have had a similar experience. Perhaps it is because of our Southern roots or perhaps it is because of our military life, our children have been raised to call adults Mr/Mrs/Miss and to respond to adults with a “yes ma’am/sir” or a “no ma’am/sir”. Occasionally we meet an adult who will react with an"Oh, that makes me feel so old!” However, on the whole, this elevated standard of manners has opened far more doors for our four children than it has closed. When our military career took us out of the deep South, our children did stand out a bit. But it was a positive distinction. I had a teacher in California write me a thank-you note for teaching my son to have such good manners. His example was rubbing off on the other children and making her life much easier. Now all of my children are nearly grown and they have commented what a benefit it was to be raised with respect for adults. It taught them humility. It encouraged adults to respond favorably to them. They have every intention of raising their own children in a similar fashion. Stand firm in your standards.Your children will thank you.
“They begin feeling a little silly being called by their first name by someone who has his shoes on the wrong feet.”
It was worth coming over here to read the rest of the story just to read that line! I am so glad you and Pat are blogging over here. My best wishes on your continued success, Mr. Archbold!
YES!!!!
I cannot stand it when someone’s child calls me Ms. Dianna. 1) I am not a dance teacher. 2) I’m married. 3) It’s disrespectful!
Until I switched circles of friends, almost none of my friends wanted my children to call them Mrs. or Mr. ANNOYING!
Glad it’s not just me.
Right on! As a child who was raised with this formality, I still tend to use it as a young adult, and it feels more comfortable to me. I do not need to be calling an 80 year old woman by her first name! My kids and I do bump into trouble sometimes, though, because what do you call a woman who does not share her husband’s name? She isn’t Mrs. Maidenname or Mrs. Husband’sname either. That’s when we end up with Miz Firstname.
I have learned from my Texan wife that it is very common for kids to speak to adults as Mr./Ms./Mrs. FirstName and that this is a sign of respect and has been done this way for generations. It should be noted that the Mr./Ms./Mrs. is mandatory as is sir and ma’am.
Raised in the Northeast, I learned to call everyone I meet Mr. LastName or Ms./Mrs. LastName and, especially to speak to my elders or superiors that way until I am given permission otherwise.
There’s a similar problem with clergy. It’s become common in some circles to call priests Fr. FirstName or even just FirstName. I refuse and I usually tell the priest that the title is not an honor for them, but honors He who the priest stands in for. I have a good priest friend, someone with whom I lived for several years, and I have always called him Fr. LastName. It’s just the right thing.
I’m with Maurisa on the line about “They begin feeling a little silly being called by their first name by someone who has his shoes on the wrong feet.” BRILLIANTLY said.
I curtsey to your post, sir.
I helped out with my son’s Scout den a year or so ago and led a meeting by helping the boys build catapults. One boy actually addressed me as “Dude.” I responded, “That’s Mrs. Dudette to you.” I realize that the leader only said my name once, and it’s hard for a ten year old boy to catch something like “Reitemeyer” the first (or 20th) time, but “Dude”? I think I would die of embarrassment if my son did that.
Fight back. When a host or hostess asks for my “first name” I always say, “Williams.” Usually this causes a reaction of surprise. I presume it’s the first time they’ve seen an adult. I also note that our local Catholic hospital emergency room has stopped calling patients by their Baptismal names and started using the whole form, as in “Joseph Ratzingger” rather than “Joe.”
One of the biggest adjustments I had to make to military life was accepting that people from certain parts of the South allowed their kids to call me Mrs. Firstname. I finally had to accept the fact that I could not beat the tradition of 20+ states singlehandedly. Still, I’ve raised my own kids to call adults Mr. Lastname unless that adult absolutely insisted on being called Mr. Firstname - and that really only happens with military folks, and mainly with military folks from the South.
Politeness is a virtue many people have forgotten to pass on to their children - and aren’t we seeing that now, in classrooms and malls and on the interstates? Sigh.
We have a lady in our area who writes for the local newspaper address this issue. She’s in her fifties and finds having children call her “Mrs.” to be awkward. Apparently the adults in her growing up years had children call them by their first names. Personally, I question if it was just a few close friends of her mother’s because other people in our area don’t report the same thing.
Personally, we have our children call adults Mr./Mrs./Miss Lastname unless they are close family friends and then they use Mr./Mrs./Miss Firstname. There are a few, however, for whom they use just their first names. It seems to depend on the comfort level of those to whom we’re speaking. And even in my own growing up it was the same. Seems to depend on where you’re from and who you know!
I do agree that priests should be called using only their last name. I do know of a priest who goes by Fr. Firstname even with the Catholic schoolchildren. It seems to not inspire much respect either with the kids or with the staff…
Hmmm—anyone know what ancient Jewish practice on this was? Y’know—WWJD?! :-)
While I could not agree more with the concept of respect, I do wonder about the difference between using title and first or last name. Using last name would be MOST appropriate, but what if that last name is difficult to pronounce? Do you honor the person by butchering how you pronounce the last name? So, with a name such as Gummersheimer, I have and encourage the people just to call me FR. GARY.
Never considered that one, Father!!
I can see your point. However, I’m also one of those who feel that such situations should inspire us to make the effort to learn those pronunciations correctly. I always feel badly for people of other countries (particularly the Middle East) who don’t feel they can use their actual names, but shorten them so Americans can pronounce them. That, however, could be another topic…
Thank you! I just got into a very heated discussion about this with an aquaintance of my 17 year old son’s. He (the friend) insisted that since he’s almost 18 and “virtually” an adult he should call me by my first name. He does this after I repeatedly insisted that he call me Mrs. It’s AWFUL! I can’t believe how disrespectful some kids are. I don’t care if you’re virtually an adult. You’re NOT an adult and you should be respectful.
I great up in the south were manners were demanded. My husband on the other hand grew up in the North and West where they were more relaxed with manners. I have a 20 year rule. If you’re more than 20 years older than me then I will refer to you as Mr/ Mrs first name. However my siblings are 20 years older than me and I would never refer to them as Mr. or Mrs. or any of their friends that way. Lately I have noticed that my in-laws seem to take great offense to this, they want me to refer to them by their first name only and I’m quite uncomfortable with this even thought I am now an adult. My husband does not seem to use titles when referencing to his relatives. This always bugged me. In my family you ALWAYS used the proper respect when speaking to elders no matter who they were. Even my niece and nephew refer to me as Auntie. If an elder asked a question you answered Yes/no mam/sir. My mother to this say still corrects me. I’ve even noticed myself doing it to my husband on occasion.
I call you out, Mr. Archibold! Why are the comments closed on your latest piece after only 5 hours? Preaching to the choir is fine, but when there’s a real discussion about your statements, you bail out.
Either way, I think it’s great that it has received so much attention, it really exposes your mindset, and will no doubt create more doubters. Thanks!
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