It’s the families in the richest countries who tend to think they can’t afford children.

The ‘funny’ thing is: many women put off having their 1 or maybe 2 children for financial reasons…they wait until they are 37 or so, and then they need to pay for unnatural fertility treatments!

Richard: good point!  In fact my wife noticed as she was going through a bunch of surveys filled out by adolescents in urban areas, that almost universally, those that reported a lower family income and many siblings also felt they “got by with a little extra” as a family and those with higher family incomes and one or no other siblings felt they “could barely make it” financially as a family.

Sometimes I think it all comes down to if you need x-boxes and eating out 3 times a week and so on.  Nothing to do with the real manageable cost of raising kids (clothes, food, etc).

priest’s wife: also an excellent point!

“But what troubles me is this increasingly popular idea that there is such a thing as the perfect time to have a baby. There’s not.”

I used to give the same advice to my clients when they would try to justify living with their boyfriends for years on end without pushing for marriage. Nine times out of ten the girl said she wanted to get married, but it wasn’t possible because they didn’t have the money.  In addition to the control component, I think this is just the result of a hugely materialistic culture.  Living in a very small city apartment, we expressly had to tell people NOT to get us all sorts of gadgets for the baby.  Perhaps these people who are worried about finances are also under the mistaken impression that you have to buy an $800 stroller, ergonomic baby carriers and wraps, medical-grade breast pumps and three different types of swings—one each to fit the baby’s mood—and all sorts of other things. More than ever, taking care of a baby seems to be about having the “right equipment.” People don’t feel confident in their natural ability to care for a little person; maybe if we take the extra time to emphasize that point, we can build a culture that is not only more open to life, but has more trust in their natural capacity to love.

A couple things come to mind when reading this article…

Pray for those who have experienced abortions in their past. (About 1 in 3 women of childbearing age have.) There’s a lot more to it than we often realize, and getting to know their stories is important.  These past experiences can make them fearful of being open to life in the future.  Support your local after-abortion healing programs, and pray for these women and men, and their families.  Check out abortionchangesyou.com to learn more.

Also, pray for the couples who are open to life but are struggling with infertility or secondary infertility. It’s a painful, lonely, and expensive road.  Learn more about infertility and adoption so you don’t make insensitive comments or assumptions (I’m not saying anyone has done that here).  Perhaps set up adoption fund in your parish for those who desire to adopt to assist with the costs.

I think being informed, prayerful, and active in these areas can help bring about a greater value for life as well.

Every time we add to our family, I am nervous and scared….....and absolutely THRILLED.  The miracle of life is something I cannot comprehend fully on my own and my children teach me something new every day. 

Recently, I found this gift (http://michelle-endlessstrength.blogspot.com/2011/04/time-to-share.html) in my almost 10-year-old daughter’s backpack…she hadn’t written it expecting I would think of it as a gift…but it put all my fears and trembling in perspective when it comes to having more children.

We’re afraid of being crippled by poorness. The reality is that, for the most part, we have NO idea what poor really is. Visit third-world countries. THEY are poor. Our nation is very lucky that it doesn’t experience poverty…true poverty.

You are absolutely right about the golden calf being control. We want control at all times. It’s only when we let go and let God that we allow ourselves to love Him the way He loves us.

This is an excellent post.  I agree there is no “perfect time” for a baby, but our culture seems to think that it’s best to satisfy your own desires before having a child.  Just tonight, I was watching TV and a birth control commercial came on- I normally ignore them, but for some reason I watched this one, and it was pretty horrifying.  It showed women “shopping” and picking up things like “trip to Paris” and “buy a house”, and one woman REFUSING and AVOIDING the stork carrying a little bundle that approached her while she was “shopping”.  Oh my! Is this really what women want and think?  That you can’t go to Paris or buy a house, and have a baby?  Ridiculous!  And sad.

While I agree that it’s good to have some children, rather than none, yet please don’t forget Sirach 16:1:  “Do not desire a multitude of useless children.”  Too many children can be a recipe for disaster.

What a great post!

David R… I think the operative word in that verse is USELESS. if you are going to spoil your children with laziness and luxury, then, by all means, don’t add to the culture of selfishness that thrives here in 21st century America. BUT, if you are raising them for God… To love Him and serve Him, then by all means, TRUST that He will provide. I say this as the mom of 10 biological children- ranging from 19 to 1 year old, and the older ones, especially, are working to evangelize the Culture of Death. I’m so glad we have been open to life.
my greater issue than finances, now, is just having TIME, one on one, with each child. and time to keep house. and time to dote on my husband. and time to SLEEP when the teenagers want to stay up till midnight talking to you, but the baby wants to get up at 5 a.m.

Besides, even when you’re young, it can’t be taken for granted that you’ll be able to conceive right away, if at all. We’re not in control! God is.

“The golden calf of the 21st century is control”- Wow- what a powerful statement.  Something that most everyone should ponder and pray about.
Someone asked me recently (when I mentioned that we are open to having a baby right now) if I am really ready to have a 6th baby.  I told her that I really am NOT ready to have a 6th baby- not just financially, but also just having enough order in my life and my home that I could take on another person without everything spinning out of control.  BUT, I also told her that I didn’t feel ready for numbers 3, 4 and 5 either, and that once they were born, things just fell into place much more easily than I could have imagined.

We’re expecting #4 in December and I’m sure our families think we’re nuts, but we’ve always said that the one thing in life we won’t regret is having our children.

I think this way, and on the whole agree… but it does really suck to be poor with kids these days….

As a father of four who got married later in life I always tell people that once you’re married there is no good time to have children and no bad time to have children.  Being older I am fortunate to be a bit more financially stable than some younger fathers.  On the other hand, health issues preclude me from participating in activities the younger dads take for granted.  Sometimes my wife and I wonder how many children we might have had if we had met ten years sooner.  Usually we think that having four is perfect for us. Of course, we thought that same thing when we had one, two, and, three.  By the way, we picked up our $500.00 stroller for $25.00 at a yard sale.

+1 there is no good time to have children

My wife and I have said this for years through 8 kids.  If you’re asking whether it’s a good time, or whether you’re ready - well, just don’t.  Totally wrong questions.

God knew what he was doing when he gave children to young people. We were blessed with 3 sons, each time we learned the “news”, God gave us a whole new grace of strength to endure…and come closer to God and all of our children.  Some rewards are watching their growth and how God is also revealing himself to them in struggle and victory.

I am amazed that anyone would read the verse from Sirach mentioned in a previous comment as a negative comment on children (basically calling all children “useless”) rather than as a commentary on poor parenting: regardless of how many children you have, be sure not to raise them to be useless. I am a proud mother of nine useFUL, helpful, loving children, ages 6 months-19 years, who are well on their way to becoming contributing members of society and youthful, energetic crusaders for a culture of LIFE.

“People don’t feel confident in their natural ability to care for a little person; maybe if we take the extra time to emphasize that point, we can build a culture that is not only more open to life, but has more trust in their natural capacity to love.”

Well said Christina! How lucky your clients are! 

Today we are afraid to love because we fear committment and making ourselves vulnerable.  Too many bad examples scare us and make us afraid of marriage and childen.  But, children help us grow toward holiness and reveal the capacity we have for love.  Trust! and turn the fear into joy.

FYI…MANY fertility problems - including miscarriage - can be solved naturally at the Paul VI clinic in Omaha. Not alot of media on it because it is nexpensive and respectful to life.

If there’s one thing the world has in abundance right now, it’s people. We got billions and billions of people already, folks, what’s the rush in making more of ‘em?

Couldn’t I interest you in some of those little Chinese girls no one wants over there? Plenty of them available, already born and everything.

While I think it is true that “waiting” for the perfect time to have a baby has gotten out of control (many friends waiting until 35 to think about getting married), I also know many people who had several children quite young and then their marriages fell apart, due in part, to the stress of the children.  I actually do think there is a perfect time to start a family.  I think getting married between 23 and 26 is ideal, and having your first child between 25 and 28 is ideal.  I also have some environmental concerns, so I think it is honorable for some to limit their family size for that reason, while others are free to welcome larger families.

Also, I know two large families (>9 kids) that were very dysfunctional, and where the kids felt they did not have a close relationship with their parents because they were stressed with the financial and emotional burdens of raising many children.

Martina- I know what you are saying; I have seen a good part of the poor world, and you are correct that their poverty is staggering and on a completely different level, BUT, I live in the very expensive Northeast, and there are several families in our town that are just killing themselves to heat their homes, pay taxes and the mortgage on their falling-down house.  Being a younger teacher or a policeman does not provide enough money—-period.  Buying fresh fruit and vegetables is expensive, forget about the meat.  The cheapest plot of land (no house!) in the surrounding area is $175,000…the cheapest…most are higher.

@SkiFree: I don’t follow the logic between China and the desire to have your own children. What you don’t seem to understand is that the problem isn’t *PEOPLE* but HOW resources are distributed in the world. That is the difference. Would it surprise you to know that the entire population of the world could comfortably fit in my home state of TX? That doesn’t sound so burdensome on the earth. What your objections are aimed at, have nothing to do with #s, but attitudes towards the care of this earth. And I can agree that the resource distribution of this world is ridiculously slanted.

@momofthree: I understand your concerns completely! We moved from the NoVA area to TX for that very reason! It was TOO expensive and the likelihood of my continuing to stay at home with the kids was not realistic there. We have family there {we have family here too} and always wonder if there will be a good time to move back but the housing market is just ridiculous, even after the bubble burst a few years ago. The good news is, we have a place now where we live that is affordable by comparison and we have enough technology that we can keep in touch with family members.

The bigger issue that Americans need to address is the ridiculous amount of debt we have become accustomed to carrying. It’s acceptable to have a GIANT mortgage, two car payments, kids in private school, lavish vacations - or vacations, period.

It’s the attitude we carry that is fostered by our ‘me me me’ society. If we want to make children important, then we have to put aside things we *think* are important and focus on what really *is* important. And that includes adopting children from other countries. It doesn’t make sense to adopt children if we continue our lavish lifestyle. I guess what I’m saying is, priorities. Let’s analyze them.

We had 2 kids 12.5 months apart.  We weren’t supposed to be able to afford them. My wife’s insurance hadn’t even kicked in when the first one was conceived, and we found out that she has a rare blood clotting disorder that makes her VERY sick and causes high risk pregnancies.  Financial and health difficulties aside, we have our two beautiful kids, who make me a proud (if somewhat frustrated) father everyday!

It’s tricky to figure out exactly what the Church means by “serious reasons” to avoid children.  My wife and I want another child now, but we have to have jobs to support them, and in order to have jobs, we have to have transportation (so we have a car note), we have to have professional clothing (so we have wardrobe expenses), we have to have a place to live (so we have a 2 bedroom apartment, the best we could manage).  The grand irony being that if we didn’t need a little money to support the kids, we wouldn’t need jobs that end up giving us a need for a lot more money, and which also frequently pay us much less than the money the jobs make us require (hey, we work for the Church!).

Now, it’s hard to know what the Church means by “serious reasons,” because people in Africa will think “serious reasons” means “plague, pestilence, and war,” while people in America will think it means, “I can’t afford health insurance.”  My wife and I could afford another child if that one big bill would move out of the way; health insurance costs us $680/month, and it’s about to go up.  If we didn’t have health insurance (and that’s about as cheap as we can get), my wife could stay home, which would save us another $800/month in daycare costs.  Those savings alone about make up her monthly salary.  Yet we would then have legally too many occupants for our apartment, so we’d have to find a bigger place, which would cost more money.  In any event, even though people in Africa might not fret over insurance to have another child, that’s because health care is hardly an issue there: they don’t have any.  Here, though, we do have it, and in justice, I owe it to my kids to do my best to keep them reasonably healthy, and since, despite its outrageous costs, health insurance is still the cheapest way to do it, I have to pay health insurance.

All this is a round-about way of saying, yes, many people exaggerate their “serious reasons,” but there really are some out there.  The thought of living in a tent to have more kids has crossed my mind, and no, I don’t owe them a high “quality of life” in terms of material possessions, but I do owe them some reasonable things they will need to live and to be successful.

I want more kids, and I think it’s a great time to have them.  I just can’t provide for their basic needs unless 1) I get paid a lot more, or 2) I can find another way of meeting the most basic needs, quit my job, and therefore no longer have a reason to have additional needs to support the basic needs.

Maybe we should move in with grandpa…

If you wait until you have “enough money” to have kids, you’ll never have them!

Also, I like the first post- It’s the people in the riches countries in the world that think it’s too expensive to have kids. 

That says so much about American society!

“The golden calf of the 21st century is control.”
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO True!

Hello Micah,

I sympathize with you. I used to work and made more money than my husband, but after our 4th child, I knew I couldn’t live scrambling all over God’s Earth and have OTHER PEOPLE take care of my kids.

Very often, women’s OR men’s salaries are taken up for the car payment and the clothes, etc. necesarry to support that job.  It’s a rat race that is not family friendly.

We cut out income in half and through the grace of God, my husband has gotten raises and promotions so that now, after 6 yrs., we’re pretty much at the income level we were at with both of us working.

It was a leap of faith.  God will take care of you if you are wise in your choices.

We follow many principles of Dave Ramsey, the Christian financial counselor.

#1 is get out of debt
#2 is sell the fancy cars and drive a beater until you can afford to pay for the nicer car

His motto is “Live Like No One Else Now So You Can Live Like No One Else Later.”

#3 Live in a house you can afford.

We Americans think many of our luxuries are necesities.

I agree there is no perfect time to have children.  From personal experience as one who married “later” at 27, I still waited 3 years to even try to get pregnant. I thought this was the “perfect time”.  We then had 5 children, the last at age 42. I thought the time was no longer “perfect” mostly out of fear that I would have a child requiring some kind of special needs if I had another pregnancy. I could “control” this by not having another baby.  And as I have looked around the dinner table, I still wish that I was more open to life at age 27, and at age 42 - we could have had at least one more child and still been comfortable enough.  The best gift you can ever give your child is another sibling provided you are trying to live according to God’s plan. Be Not Afraid!  I’d also like to recommend Phil Lenahan - he is the “Catholic” version of Dave Ramsey and he understands about the Catholic teaching of being open to life.

“It’s the families in the richest countries who tend to think they can’t afford children.”

@Richard, yes, this is rather ironic, isn’t it, but it’s because the cost of living is the highest in the richest countries.  All a family really needs is food, water, shelter, and clothing.  In America, though, you have to have at least safe food, clean water, sturdy shelter, and hole-less clothing, or the government will take away your kids.  Now getting safe food isn’t too hard, but it costs money.  Getting clean water isn’t hard, but costs money (although, where I live, not much money).  Having sturdy shelter, well, that costs a lot of money.  Having clothing that covers a person and doesn’t fall apart, that costs a fair amount of money, too.

In order to get enough money to purchase those things, I need a job.  In order to get a job, I need to have enough food to sustain higher energy output, water to wash myself and my clothing, a home, and a wardrobe fit for work.  In order to get those things, I need money.  It’s a horrible cycle.  In order to make a little money, I need things that require a lot more money.  So I have to get a loan or have someone help me (there are very few true self-made men).  Now I have debt.

There’s an old story about a business man driving through Mexico when his tires go flat.  A local man, Juan, sees him from his fishing boat and comes to assist him.  Juan takes him home and serves him some of the fish he caught.  They begin to talk and Juan tells the businessman about his daily routine: “I wake up early and fish, I love to fish, then I come home and take a siesta, I spend time with my lovely wife and kids, and she cooks the fish for me while I rock on the porch and play my guitar.”  When the businessman tastes the fish, he exclaims, “this is the best fish I’ve ever had!  You know, I think I could help you out!”  “How so?” Asks Juan. “I’m a very successful businessman!  You know, with a small loan, you could get some bigger boats.”  “Why?” Asks Juan. “So you could catch more fish and sell the extras.” “Why?” Asks Juan. “So you could make more money!” “Why?” Asks Juan. “So you could buy bigger boats and catch even more fish!” “Why?” Asks Juan. “By then, you’ll have enough money to start a processing factory; you can season the fish any way you like and send them frozen all over the world!” “Why?” Asks Juan. “Well, that way, you’ll be independently wealthy!” “Why?” Asks Juan. “Well, so that you can retire, of course!” “Why would I want to retire?” Asks Juan. “Well, so you can enjoy fishing, take siestas, enjoy your wife and kids, and sit out rocking on your porch in the evenings, strumming your guitar and watching the sunset!”

The trouble is that in America, very few people own the means to the basic necessities, such as land.  If I owned some land and had a way of building a house the government wouldn’t condemn, I could build a well and grow crops for myself.  I wouldn’t need anything more than a part-time job (for small things we’d need to buy, and for stuff like health insurance), nor would my wife, and we could raise our kids in piece.

If America wants to reduce poverty drastically, it needs to do three things: 1. free up federal land for a land grab, like it was in the Old West, and let people go take land and live off it, 2. reduce regulations and taxes that require people to make monetary income, so that people can support themselves more easily and have the means to provide for their families without a lot of additional cost and requirements, 3. go tell people to be creative entrepreneurs.

Lisieux, I appreciate the understanding.  We’re steadily getting out of debt, but Dave Ramsey’s system would cause some problems for us.

1. Who can disagree with this one?  Get out of debt.  Of course!
2. We don’t have a beater because we had one and traded it in.  We drove it as long as we could, but it was about to die for good and if we hadn’t traded it in, we’d have no way to transport our kids (we wouldn’t even have had money to buy a new beater).  What we decided to do was get a great deal on a used car (not a beater) that we knew would be reliable for years to come.  I’m not talking about any sort of luxury car.  We drive a Chevy HHR, which is safe and has great fuel economy, and wasn’t expensive.  We also knew the dealer, who gave us an extra $1000.
3. We don’t even have a house!  A mortgage would be cheaper than our rent, but it would require a down payment, and we can’t afford the down payment.  If someone would loan us money for the down payment, the mortgage payments plus the repayment of the down payment would STILL cost less than our current rent.  It’s one of those situations where red tape and regulations get you stuck in a cycle.  Fortunately, I’m a teacher, and I keep the kids during the summer, so the savings on daycare will be enough for us to pay off a lot of debt and save for a down payment.  We’re hoping we can afford a house by the end of the fall.  If we can do that, we’ll save some money each month, but not a lot.  It might be enough to have another kid, but then, if we have another kid, we’ll need a bigger car (anyone know of a way to get three car seats in a single row?).  It’s a vicious cycle!
4. This could all go away easily if we could have a little symbiotic relationship with my father-in-law, who is all alone in a house big enough for us and is disabled.  He could use the help (and the money we’d save in rent could go into fixing up his house, which is in disrepair) and we could use the space.  Plus, he has a ranch, so there’s plenty of room for a large garden, and he has lots of sheep, and his sister down the road has chickens and a cow.  Unfortunately, my wife won’t see eye-to-eye with me on this one.  I think she doesn’t want to be a burden.

I used to teach and resigned when my 2nd was born.  We bought the (cheapest we could find) house with the $20,000 downpayment we saved while living with my parents. As a family of 4 we lived on my husband’s meager yearly wages of $37,000 in the 3rd most expensive state in our country.  We threw our son’s 4th birthday party by cashing in the change we had laying around our house (came to $40 - we fed everyone and had birthday cake!)

Today we have 4 kids and my husband makes a bit more and I work part time tutoring to help pay bills.  Both our cars are 14 years old (but we have 2!)  We homeschool and I have people who live in $500,000 homes, take vacations, go out to dinner, have work done to their homes, and drive brand new cars who say to ME- “Wow, you’re really lucky that your husband makes enough money that you can stay at home with your kids.”  HAHAHA!!!  Not funny, really, just sad! 

This waiting until the “RIGHT TIME” to have kids is all in the name of being RESPONSIBLE and doing “the right thing” as far of having kids.

Our oldest child was conceived before marriage.  It was stressful, we were young, poor, OBVIOUSLY made mistakes BUT I look at friends around me and I’m so thankful that we never had the opportunity to “wait til the right time to have kids” because what does that even mean???

It’s humbling to me, as a teacher, to reread my posts and find spelling errors. LOL!  It is definitely the end of a long school year!

Micah,
Whenever we did the math it never added up to being “able to afford” 4 kids by paying all our bills.  Somehow we have gotten by and are still in our home and still driving old cars and still shopping at Goodwill for professional clothes.  That ‘somehow’ certainly is by the Grace of God.
As Jen or Simcha (sorry girls) have said in the past, it’s the radical trust in God vs. being responsible with what God has given us and, I think, probably the ideal way is to incorporate both. (ok, this was Simcha’s article I’m remembering now.)

We explain Church teaching on NFP to engaged couples as part of our ministry.  We like to remind them that the Church doesn’t say that we should be ready to have a baby (what would that mean, anyway?), but that we should have a serious reason if we’re not going to have a baby, which is an entirely different consideration.

Yes, Monica, I think that is the best way to explain it.  My wife and I give NFP talks at our parish (but we don’t actually teach NFP, just the theology guiding its use), and one needs to be very careful.

We’d love to have another baby right now.  We’re working toward a place where we’ll be able to do so responsibly, but the real truth of the Church’s doctrine is somewhere between control and reckless abandon: it is the responsible, reasonable use of procreation, with generosity, with self-control, but not with stupidity, either.  Having another child at this moment would mean getting kicked out of our home, having a car that would no longer suffice, much higher costs for daycare, etc.  We need a little more stability before we no longer have “serious reasons” not to have a child, but we’re trying mightily to remove those serious reasons.

Hello Micah,

Renting a house is putting money down a rat hole. If you can put away money for a down payment, it would be a God send. 

We found all kinds of ways to save money to pay off our house loan in 4 years. My husband sold his sportscar he had when he was single- AND he put 100% of it to the house loan. Most people would take a chunk and give themselves that “much needed vacation.”

Instead, we paid on our much needed house!

Also, my husband, who is the mastermind of handling money, would pay MORE down on the house payment than was needed. We just scaled back our lifestyle. 

I LIKED telling the kids that we can’t do that or get that because WE DON’T HAVE the MONEY!  Most of those things are harmful anyway- most movies, electronic gadgets, etc.

Also, I sold my parent’s house and paid all of my portion to our house loan except a tithing to my home parish. It was only 12,000.00, but it helped.

I bought NO new clothes for myself for years after quitting my job. Actually, it was liberating, and now that we’re better off, I can’t go back to my old ways so easily.

Anyway, Micah, I wish you the best.

P.S. Kids ARE cheaper the more you have. You don’t have to buy all the new stuff you did for the first couple.

Believe me, I know what a rat hole a lease is!  We’ve been trying to put aside enough money for months, but something always comes up, an unexpected medical bill, a car problem (thankfully, after we traded in our junker, our new car hasn’t caused these problems).  We don’t have cable tv, I drive to and from work without a/c (in Louisiana), etc. The most frustrating thing is that my father-in-law has a natural gas contract that would be paying a TON of money (and no one in the family really cares for money, so we’d be giving it away to other needy folks), but a certain administration’s policies have made the natural gas industry suffer, so the darn company isn’t pumping.  No income from that. :-p

Good news, I just spoke to my wife and we’re going to start the Dave Ramsey envelope system.  We added a catch: each of us will be in charge of the envelope for the money the other would be most likely to blow.  I’m going to be in charge of the clothing envelope (my wife loves sewing) and she’s going to be in charge of the grocery money (I love cooking), etc.  I bet we can squeeze some money out of this rock yet!

Hello Micah,

Sounds like you all have some great ideas.

I live in Texas, and in my part of the state, the cost of living is not too high. Maybe LA is like that too, unlike the East or West Coasts!

I sew too, and lately it’s been mainly mending!

Also, I find SO MANY good deals on clothing at thrift stores and garage sales. I have a wardrobe filled with pants for my boys, sizes 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, and 18 that I have bought in the last few years for them.

My 3 boys only wear 8, 10, and 14, but I stock up for the future. Same with my dear daughter’s clothes.  I just go shopping in our closet or wardrobe.

Then, when I need to buy something nice for 1st Holy Communion or a wedding, it’s not so hard to let the $$$ go.

We’ve never done the envelope thing, but we might try it.

Also, since I stay at home we have a big garden and chickens. They are an opportunity to teach the kids CHARACTER. Nothing like cleaning out the chicken house to build character!

It really becomes a game and gives much satisfaction when you know you have saved money on items. 

I’ve enjoyed the conversation, Micah.

God bless you and your family!
Liseux in Texas   P.S. pray for us in the our drought!

Lisieux, if our natural gas stuff ever comes through, I’ll help you in your drought!  I don’t live far from Texas.  My sister-in-law lives just over the border in Texas.  It’s been nice conversation.  I hope I can repay the favor of your kindness someday. :-)

I congratulate you on your beautiful family & your ability to care for all your children. That said choosing to only have 2 or fewer children, even in your 30s, isn’t terrible either. I regularly wonder how we are going to manage home & vehicle payments, maintenance & insurance, taxes, groceries… No X Boxes in our home, thank you.  PlayStations either (although - full disclosure: we were given a Wii for Xmas from grandparents). It is also incredibly hard to make one on one time with either child or with my dh. Having 2 or fewer children means our carbon footprint is comparatively slight. We direct what resources we do have to making the best choices for our family & kids without draining resources from other children & families through the system. It’s not that I don’t drool like a fool every time a friend has a baby, it’s that I genuinely understand that if I had the resources for more children, there are children out there in need of homes who came first. I could adopt no matter my biological status. I am grateful that I was empowered to choose how many children our family would have.  In a community where people are up in arms over taxes & unable to fully fund education, healthcare or other basic social services, it would be hypocritical for me to keep adding babies to a world population that is already bursting.  Are we not keepers of all living things?  Do we not have a responsibility to manage the gifts of this earth sustainably?  If you & your family can do all that - congrats again!  But my family & many others like us can not.  We are desperately struggling to get by & honestly resent every time some other family gets to have babies at the expense of social services which we pay for.  Address the kids in this world: their healthcare, education & services.  Address the abandonment of children by one parent leaving the remaining parent to rely on tax dollars to keep that child clothed & fed.  Address the inequity in tax collection so that it no longer comes off the backs of families like mine & has everyone from big business to dead beat parents working off the books paying their fair share.  Eliminate the black market economy that operates outside the system & tear down the parts of the system that prop up the 1/2% - 2% who ride on our backs.  There are so many more issues tied together than just have a baby or don’t.

Hello Jen,

You say that having two or fewer children, even in your thirties is great. I would say better than none!

Some women who delay having children today are not able to have them later in life. So, fertility payments eat up the supposed savings of having the career early on.

Also, you speak of a carbon footprint that we leave behind us.

I think that the eternal footprint left by the immortal souls of our children, leaving a legacy of love, is much more important than any physically limiting footprint.

I realize that where I live, the fact that I have a like-minded partner who SAVES and works hard, that my children are reasonably healthy are all great blessings from God.

But I think you have to adapt to where you are.

In our community, mothers and families that are like-minded have a support system. We help each other with child care, clothes, food ideas, ranching ideas, and Bible study based on motherhood. In fact, we’re a bit unique.

It seems that lately around here, the younger moms and wives chasing the dollar are not having children, it’s the over-40 women who are generous with life. I know that’s a big generalization, but sometimes, age makes people a bit wiser to what’s more important in life.

P.S. Radical trust in God is key.  We had to trust in God and use our God-given reason and common sense to for me to quit my job and stay home.

Best decision I ever made, as family life is simpler, less stressful, and I actually have TIME to enjoy. Before, had plenty dough, but I was always saying, “I don’t have any time!”

Also, I feel like I have to say this-

Before I met my husband, 18 yrs. ago, I had credit card debt, I rented an apartment for 10+ years, I had a truck note, and I generally was profligate with my money as a single woman.

A partner who knew how to convince the other of the wisdom of being more frugal and saving for the future is key for me.

I knew he was right, I just hadn’t been doing it, because it’s easier to blow and go.

After we were married, we lived in my apartment for 2 more years until we saved enough money for a downpayment on property and a house. I worked for 7 years while I had 4 children: 2 in school and 2 in two different daycares.

We chose to simplify.

This is not a one-sized fits all lifestyle. We all adapt to what fits us, but God provides. He is so good!

Micah and Liseax
I would not jump on the home ownership bandwagon so soon!  Renting is very underrated in some places.  http://patrick.net/housing/market.html
If you are disciplined and are able to save money that you are not paying in rent, you can invest it someplace that can make more than your terrible house value (which is depreciating as we speak).  ALso, you have no taxes to pay, no repairs to pay and no other incidentals to pay for…for the next several years this will probably be true, especially when interest rates inevitably rise.

Martina,
I am sorry, but I am very tired of hearing this “Texas Myth”.  No truly educated person could every think that was an argument at all.  It says nothing about the amount of arable land left, nor other resources necessary to sustain a human being.
See http://ingles.homeunix.net/rants/density.html

In fact, the high cost of housing on our coasts is directly related to population density!  You are saying that the high cost of housing is ridiculous, but it is because there are so many people who want to buy those houses in dense areas.  Micah wants a land grab.  Great….what then, after we grab it all and then we need more space.  Most federal land is leased at low levels to ranchers…do you eat meat?  The costs will soar if this land is built out.  To say there is no limit to the amount of humans the earth can reasonably sustain is just plain wrong. Unless you advocate for moving into space?

we had 4 kids… our first one died before he could come home… for15 years, we raised three girls on 20k… i worked when i vould, i stayed home when i could… we bought life ins (the first boy who died scared us badly), but no money for health ins… we prayed, we used local state hospital for broken thumbs and stuff, for the rest we stayed chiily on it…
.....
how many need glasses? all of us… how many have epilepsy? 4 of us… how many are sper allergic to everything? all of us…
.....
how much did we spend? on the glasses, we sped about 200-300 every other year… on the other? we quit… we used otc for allergies, we learned to move slowly with epilepsy… (our epilepsy we grow out of by early/late 20s…)
.....
we cant be afraid of everything… we asked GOD to help us raise kids, we let HIM do it…
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we are ok… and gladder than most…

Sleepyhead, enjoyed your post.

I bet you are gladder than most. God bless!

Whose Martina?

Momofthree, leave it to you to inject insults into the argument!  Please keep it civil.

I’m looking out my window at hundreds of acres of “arable” land. Please don’t play the overpopulation card with this crowd.

Micah doesn’t want a “land grab.” He wants a home.

I pray he finds a happy one- with a BIG yard.

I believe several people have said something like “nobody ever regrets having had more children rather than fewer.” I remember listening to many of my older female relatives grousing about how lucky we younger women were. “You aren’t stuck at home with a bunch of d-d kids, like I was !” “I wish I could have had two instead of five.” ” We only had one, thank God ! As the oldest girl of seven kids, I was sick of changing diapers before I even got married !”
One of the scariest things I’ve ever come across was listening to an elderly relative hiss to her grown son, “I wish I’d never had you !”

The perfect time to have a baby is when God gives you a baby. When He decides it is best and not when you do. His timing is perfect ours is imperfect.

Liseux
“Who is”?  Is that what you mean?  I am confused…or did you not see Martina’s name above?

Did not mean to be insulting. I re-read what I wrote, and would rephrase “truly educated” to say, “person who has educated themselves about the whole issue”.
“please don’t play the overpopulation card with this crowd”.  Well, I would ask you not to “play the underpopulation card with this crowd.”  Are you really that resistant to challenging ideas?  Have you ever once read some facts about the issue that do not come from Catholic sites?  Answer truthfully.
Are you sure it is arable land?  What is your water situation?  Are cattle grazed there? 

Go back and read Micah….there was talk of a land grab.  I am not just making things up.

I smile as I read the above.  We could have never afforded to have children *according to the rules that applied” starting 65 years ago!  But God chose to send us ten who between them now have nine bachelor degrees, seven masters degrees and a PHD, one is schizophrenic and although he tried seven times to get a degree was never able to attain it.  They graduated with very little debt and now are all self sustaining adults.  I keep hearing that parents have to sacrifice but I have to say that every little bit of sacrifice produced great rewards.  I can’t remember what I sacrificed, I was happy watching them grow and become productive adults.  God has plans far beyond our imagination.  For us, trusting in Him was the answer.

liseux,
We do gain wisdom as we age & often we become better prepared to parent. Waiting until we have more resources: financially, intellectually & emotionally,  before we have children is not a bad thing. 

Many if not most daycares survive on state & federal subsidies & grants, not just tuition.

sleepyhead,
For all those visits to state hospitals & other resources that are funded by state/fed assistance- families like mine are paying to subsidize families who rely on these services.

We need to fund healthcare, education & other services for those who really need them but it is unfair for families to take advantage of these programs & use more than their share of all resources by having more children than they can support on their own. 

When we ask God to help us raise our children, we are sometimes forgetting that God helps those who help themselves… and their neighbors.  If we live sustainably ourselves, we are not taking from others.  When we choose to bring children into our families, adoption is an option that too many large families ignore.

**Martina,
I am sorry, but I am very tired of hearing this “Texas Myth”.  No truly educated person could every think that was an argument at all.**

That was an unnecessarily harsh statement. I don’t need to be called uneducated. Besides which, you missed my point. I was talking about the distribution of resources in the world.

Anyway, I don’t respond to outright hostility, and I truly thought you were interested in a discussion. But it looks like you are out to bait and use the anti-Catholic card on us.

Could be.

BTW, I live in Texas, and it ain’t no myth!!!  Yes, I’m looking out my window at 100s of acres of arable land to the southeast, and a couple of hundred acres of grazing land to the southwest.

My best sister-in-law left CA for Texas with her family (mom, dad, siblins)  back in 80s because of the societal problems there. She and her family have out 50+ children and grandkids now in Texas…. It’s a great area of Catholic orthodox where we are. God is good!

My wife was 39 and we had 2 children- then she learnt that she was pregnant with our third child - we were both very upset and to make things worse a doctor said there was a possiblity that the child could be born with down syndrome and wanted us to think about abortion. My wife refused and today we feel so blest that we did not take that option. We got a beautiful, smart and healty baby girl. She has bought immense happiness to our family.

Martina, I rephrased the original statement and do not mean to be insulting.  It came out too harsh.  I do not mean to be hurtful, that is not a good thing to be….I am just frustrated that so many people in the blogosphere still put forth that stat.  Everyone points me to the site from Pop. Research Institute, which should really have the word “Catholic” more prominently displayed.  You have to dig to find it was founded and is supported by followers of Father. Marx. (I am aware that many groups with an agenda do this regardless of their views..I just think it is disingenuous.)
Do the math of the resources necessary to support people, as the site I pointed to does.  It is more complicated than just talking about putting humans into 1000 square foot boxes. It also completely (as the land grab idea does) ignores the idea of exponential growth.  I will tell you that most people seem to be totally unaware of basic biological science principles. I am looking for the person who is not, and who can argue with me that it is just for an institution to tell its followers that more is always (almost) better.  I have no problem with a few people who desperately want children (and are really baby people) having large families. But, math dictates that many others will have to restrict their numbers.
I would ask you Martina, have you ever been to Asia? The density and environmental degradation is appalling. 

I am actually a cradle Catholic! I am exploring the faith after being away, and am not trying to bait.  I am really looking for answers. Why did you bring up the Texas Stat. if you are not trying to say that overpopulation (or any concern about population) is stupid?

It is obvious that many married couples intend to control how many kids they have or even make everything possible to avoid them often because of financial reasons. In general who mostly give this pagan excuse are the richest couples. Yes, pagan excuse with no doubt because our Lord warned us:

“Be not solicitous therefore, saying, What shall we eat: or what shall we drink, or wherewith shall we be clothed? For after all these things do the heathens seek.”(Matt 6, 31-32)

If God takes care of the birds of the air and the lilies of the field how much more He will take care us.

Well, first - I never cited a website - I actually recall finding that stat from several websites, years ago. Second, I not ONCE called overpopulation “stupid.”

But the point is still the same, it has to do with resource distribution, not how many people are in this world. Wouldn’t you agree? Imagine, just for a moment that everyone had a servant’s heart and took and used *only* what they needed. Can you see a much different vision for the world than it currently is? It isn’t about how many people are in the world, it is about what we are doing with our existing resources.

I’m a cradle Catholic too, once lost, and found my way back. No worries on sounding harsh - I’m glad you corrected, thank you for that. :)

This fourth out of five children would never have been born in today’s world. Thanks be to God that my parents were Roman Catholic, had faith, hope and charity. My mom loved children. What a great inheritance mom and dad left me: four siblings. Now that my parents are gone, these siblings are so precious to me. Did we wear hand me down clothes? Yes. And now, I shop at thrift stores and get fabulous buys. Did we squabble? Yes, that’s part of life. My parents gave me my siblings, they gave me my values, they gave me my Catholic faith. Without these gifts, I’d be lost.

PS - I’m not serious about a land grab. I do think, though, that is is shocking how much land the feds have been confiscating in recent years and I think we should always be working to open up more space for people who want to make that land productive for the benefit of us all.

One commenter writes “While I agree that it’s good to have some children, rather than none, yet please don’t forget Sirach 16:1:  “Do not desire a multitude of useless children.”  Too many children can be a recipe for disaster.”

What a wretched, warped translation of that passage from Ecclesiasticus. If one looks at the Clementine Vulgate, it is quite clear that the writer is cautioning parents to take care in raising their children: “Rejoice not in ungodly children, if they be multiplied: neither be delighted in them, if the fear of God be not with them. . . . And it is better to die without children, than to leave ungodly children.”

That’s a warning that makes sense only in light of the supreme blessing that children are. It has nothing to do with having “too many children.”

I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me will never hunger, and whoever believes in me will never thirst.

Anthony,
I appreciate that you love your daughter the way she is, “beautiful, smart, and healthy.”  Many of us have children with disabilities and feel equally blessed by their presence in our lives.  Thanks be to God for our brothers, sisters, and children in Christ with differences because they show us a part of God we otherwise never see.

http://www.nafim.org/
http://www.ncpd.org/

“And if we’re waiting for that window to arrive, when we’ve finally been able to get everything lined up exactly the way we think it should be to properly welcome a new human being into the world, we’re going to miss out on a whole lot of living and loving.”
It is depth of parenting that makes it so worth it - it is hard work, but worth every moment.  And as I like to quote my uncle “Children are the only thing you can enjoy when you can’t afford them.”  So very true.

I am so glad I ignored the people around me who all told me I could always have children later when I could afford them. I was 19 at the time and my future looked so bleak. Not one person ever suggested that there was a possibility I might not be able to have more children than this one. Unfortunately, although I wanted many more, my son is my only child and he’s 15 years old. I am unlikely to be able to have more at this point. If I had waited until the finances were right, I would have no children at all.

re: comments on environmental impact, carbon footprints, etc.—what these arguments fail to take into consideration is that the resources we use now will, in all likelihood, overshadow the resources used per person (however you want to calculate it) in the future.  Think about it ... three generations ago, the amount of energy and resources that went into a lightbulb far outweighs that of today.  Why?  We have become more *efficient* in the use of our resources.  In the ‘60s and ‘70s, pundits speculated we wouldn’t have enough food to feed the “exponential growth” of this country’s population.  Instead, we have become creative in our ability to produce, ship, and store food, making it more readily available than ever.  Even as few as 20 years ago, American society in general was nowhere near as concerned about conservation of resources and recycling, yet look at all the changes we’ve seen in simple things such as packaging.  My point is that (as someone else pointed out), the number of people on the planet (or in a family) isn’t the problem.  How the resources are allocated and utilized *is* the problem.  Imagine all the innovations we will see in another 20 years with the technology that is in development today!  The cell phones and computers we use today are 100 times more poweful than those of the ‘90s, yet use a fraction of the energy.  Even as the population grows, the “carbon footprint” per person will shrink as we develop novel ways of using the resources we have.  (For real-life examples, look closely at the bulk of larger families out there: the “carbon footprint” per person decreases as the size of the family increases—and the opposite is true, too.)  This is just one reason why *people* are society’s most valuable resource—and, conversely, why an attitude of consumerism and “me, me, me” is a deadly poison to mankind.
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Hence the beauty of the family, and the blessings of children: living in a consumeristic fashion with only one’s self-interest at heart is substantially more difficult.  :-)
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“The decision to have children is a spiritual one, not a financial one.” -Dave Ramsey

MANY fertility problems - including miscarriage - can be solved naturally at the Paul VI clinic in Omaha. Surprisingly there is not much media about it, since it is inexpensive and respectful to life.

It is a frame of mind wherein God’s wisdom is considered superior to man’s wisdom. Any amount of argument can change the minds filled with ” Fear of overpopulation ” Reasonable and responsible parenthood giving Christian values must be encouraged

RMMT,
Do you believe the earth is finite?  Do you think the traffic problems and cost of housing have nothing to do with the numbers of humans in cars or people needing housing?  Do you ever go backcountry hiking?  Do you think it is important for people to have contact with wild lands?  To have that chance to get away, and enjoy wilderness?

If you said yes to any of those questions, then you must agree that at some point, (and reasonable people can honestly disagree and debate when that point is reached) we will get to a point where we cannot exponentially reproduce.  At some point we will have to say, “hmmm, we are maxed out.”  That is, unless you think we will colonize space.  NOw, that changes the entire game, because space is infinite.  But, I will tell you that I would like future humans to have the chance to live in a world where they can go camping and not be constrained to a space station.

There is a reason real estate in the chapparal climate zones (coastal California, Mediterranean, Holy Lands, etc. ) is astronomical; it’s a great place to live, perhaps the perfect climate for humans.  The plains of North Dakota not so much. 

YOu are correct to note the efficiency gains…they are awesome, but I still think we can do so much better!  It does not always work that way though, think of what computer screens were supposed to do to the volume of paper…they did NOT shrink it…they multiplied it.

My husband and I feel especially ready to have children. However, there is one problem: He has been unemployed (w/o unemployment compensation) for almost 18 months. OK, I still work, but we are barely treading water on some expenses which were well within our means when we took them on (a car lease, a nice home). Even though we know that there is never a “perfect” time, we now that right now, God is calling us to wait. There is much to be said for responsibility-we would rather not have a child and lose our home because of related expenses-but if it meant giving up cable, eating in restaurants, or the like, we would be all for it.

Great post!  I totally agree.  I think if you wait and wait you just end up not having them.

Priest’s wife, Can you please provide data that supports that woman at 37 years old NEED fertility treatments?  My grandmother had 2 children after the age of 37 and didn’t need fertility treatments.  God decides when the last age is when can have children not us.

Not everyone puts off child bearing because they are selfish.  I didn’t meet my husband till I was 31 and we got married when I was 34.  Now were hoping to get have children.  It wasn’t my choice, but it I feel it was God’s will.

Momofthree,
You never addressed the resource allocation issue that others have brought up.  Don’t you agree that we need a better way of distributing resources?

RMMT,
One thing to keep in mind, is that although we have reduced our energy intensity since 1970: http://energyxxi.org/images/uploaded/FIGURE1.jpg
which is great…most of that has to do with our switch from a Farming Economy/Industrial Economy over to a Services Economy.  In reality, a large portion of that switch went to China…where they increased their energy intensity.

capitalcee,
I concurr that we have wild resource allocation inequalities, but this is another issue entirely…it says nothing about the nature of “finiteness”.  If we allocated all the resources on earth, including land, clean water, calories, equally, would it still behoove the Catholic church to tell people that children are always a blessing, and that it was a mortal sin to use birth control or practice NFP with a contraceptive mentality?  Let’s say the median worldwide birthrate was around 4 children per woman if everyone listened to the teachings of universal truths from the Catholic church.  At some point, the growth would become out of hand, and we would be forced into space (imagining that would be even possible on a grand scale (STAR WARS not withstanding!)  Don’t think your 100 acres of arable land could ever look like Manhattan?  Think again: http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2009/09/manhattan/miller-text

So, you say, “It’s great to have a diversity of places.  I like Manhattan, but I like National Parks.”  Great…but with fairly unrestrained fertility and good health care…if applied over our large country you would end up with Manhattan from coast to coast (assuming we figured out how to grow food in space or something.)

Resource allocation is a big issue…capitalcee, how do you propose we reallocate?  Socialism seems to be a big fear of many fellow Christians I know….maybe perfect our democratic/capitalistic model (we have been trying to do this for a long time).

M3, Malthusian time-bomb theories have been proven wrong time and time again.

The 1970s were supposed to be the end of the world because of too many people.

Stop the wars and redistribute properly, and we have no population time-bombs.

According to Church teaching (and I will find the specific source if requested), socialism is, in fact, intrinsically evil.
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Do we need to have contact with nature, and an obligation to care for the wilderness and keep it as clean as possible?  Of course.  The book of Genesis commands we do so—we are to be thoughtful stewards of the earth (and all other resources, as well).
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But you miss the point here, which is this: we cannot predict the new and innovative ways that humanity will develop to solve any future resource issues.  And while the example of “4 children per family” may give the impression of an unsustainable population, it also doesn’t take into account the inevitable losses of human life that occur, for any number of reasons: natural disaster, plague, war, drought, and all the other events that are mostly beyond the control of individuals, but which have the capacity to wipe out a significant portion of humantiy.
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This in no way is meant to imply that *everyone* should have or is called to care for a large (however one defines large) family, or any other kind of judgment on anyone for whatever their decisions are regarding family size.  This is part of free will, to be sure—provided that the decisions are made with prayerful consideration, an open heart, and a well-formed conscience.  To suggest that using birth control is a means of protecting the “wild natural resources” by limiting population is short-sighted, at best.  What do you think happens to all the excess hormones ingested by women on BC?  (hint: it’s excreted in the urine.)  There have been recent studies that suggest the extra estrogen has leached its way into local streams, causing damage to fish populations and killing them off.  Not using hormones?  Then what about all the waste produced by barrier methods?  How does that help the environment, especially when taken over the course of, say, 20 years or so? 
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One final point: we cannot know all the advances and setbacks that will occur a couple generations from now.  However, we can be assured that humanity’s ability to properly utilize those advances and solve the problems of setbacks will be incredibly hampered if those who are the next great thinkers are never given the chance to be born in the first place.

I’ll reiterate…. not everyone puts off having children because they’re waiting for some perfect time.  I’m just waiting for my husband… to show up!

I hate the devil for putting fear in so many men’s hearts! Here I am, 40 years old and still dating men who feel no urgency to marry. At 40!!
Just this weekend, I was talking with a guy - and we discussed (by my prompting) that people are waiting too long to get married and have kids, because they’re enjoying the benefits of birth control and relaxed moral standards (my point).  He responded that he still thinks it’s better to wait….
I looked at him bewildered… Aren’t you 40?  How long do you intend to wait?

That’s just fear taking over!!!
I’m so sick of scared-pants men.  What are they afraid of? Happiness?

That fear is all I encounter in the dating world.  I never thought I’d be 40 and single and childless… but thanks to all the scardy-cat men that’s where myself and all my friends are… dealing with men in their late 30s/ early 40s who still aren’t ‘ready’.

I blame the advent of birth control——it’s made everyone think they can control everything.

And yeah, I blame myself for my abstinence… I think it’s the main reason I’m still single.  Should have been a slut… at least I’d have a child by now.

RMMT
Some thoughtfully explained points to consider.  Thank you.  I agree there are terrible environmental and health issues with the Pill.  No doubt…have many friends who would agree with you.  But,I feel sure we could use our “new and innovative ways that humanity will develop to solve any future [issues]” to manufacture barrier methods that are not polluting (or not so polluting).  How about withdrawal?  A widely used method. Again, a mortal sin. Diaphragm….a mortal sin….how about a condom you could wash out and use again?  Sorry…not meaning to be crass at all, but you get the idea.  Speaking of trash from condoms…do you eat anything premade that comes in a plastic bag?  All trash..compare that with the bulk from trashed condoms….humans make trash…period.  I think we could get a lot better using technology to reduce this fact, but still…more humans=more trash.  Granted, large families are more efficient per person, that is why it makes sense for some who greatly desire large families to have them….but for the Church to make it seem like that is a positive choice for most is just plain short-sighted. (All that said, I do think having a family somewhat younger is best for most for many many reasons, including the fact that it makes you value your own parents more). 

Also…I am not ready in any way to say we should have larger families on the off chance that war and famine and plague will wipe out many of us.  When, since the dawn of the modern age, has this occurred?  It smacks of those who tell me there is no need to worry about anything, because an asteroid is bound to hit us….no need to trouble yourself to conserve, work hard, learn current science, plan for the future…

Tammy,
I am very sorry you are having these troubles…but I think much of the problem is due to the explosion of media and the way they market stuff and the idea of being young.  People think they are 25 well into their 40’s.  My brother is 35 and has many friends who still spend most of their free time playing video games and partying.  They are emotionally 19.  Women too…I really don’t want to make you feel bad.  I will pray for you right now!  There…a short prayer that the right guy gets a clue for you.

Also, in the highly educated world…there is this perception that you need six years of grad school, and several years of work experience before you can be competitive, so you should postpone a family.

I bet your date thinks of himself as 25; when he walks around I bet his internal visual of himself is 25.  Ask him this: “Dude, how old was your mother when she had you?  Now look at her and do the math.  How old are you going to be when your future child is your age?  Now think about that.”  Most men seem to be oblivious to this fact. 

My experience is that when men who wait a long time to have children have them…they are astounded…they suddenly wake up and understand time and all. 

I hear you about regretting the abstinence…I know others will tell you it was the virtuous thing to do, I am sometimes not so sure.  Lots of great families started out with a surprise (although nobody will ever give you that as ADVICE).

“The golden calf of the 21st century is control.”

Nailed it.  I hope you don’t mind ... I put this on my FB quotations.

There are countless children who have no homes, deceased or abusive caretakers and such: not just in China, but in the U.S, U.K., Canada, Europe etc. Why give birth to a new child, when there are so many children suffering that can be adopted, and given the love, care, and guidance that only a good parent can provide? Why should these children be thrown like trash to the wayside in favor of newer children, because they developed in another woman’s womb and not your own? A person can adopt and birth children: yet, ignoring the financial aspects, there are only a certain number of hours in a day that a person can give children the love and guidance they require. Is it not more Christ-like to adopt a needy child or number of children? As for human innovation solving environmental problems, as a young person, this point, while valid, troubles me if it is exclusive. Ultimately, it is the children: me, my children, your children, the children of most people (possibly excluding the extremely wealthy) who will bear the brunt of environmental damage caused by our parent’s generation. While a deus ex machina outcome of environmental caretaking would certainly be a lovely outcome, it seems selfish and cruel to me to refuse to accept significant responsibility, or to try to sacrifice (yes, sacrifice) in order to negate the damage that you and I are bequeathing to our children. It is very strange to me, how some people can seem like they love children, and genuinely want what is best for them, yet at the same time, their attitude to the damage, their damage (which is harming, and if not changed, will continue to harm the children that they say they love, and likely their children as well) is one of dismissal, denial, callousness, and indifference that borders on recklessness. The Lord gave humans free will: will he stop them from using their free will to damage or even destroy his beautiful creation? I do not know the answer to this question. However, I do believe that it is one of the worst sins: to destroy the beauty of god’s work on a significant scale, and it is a sin that all f us, myself included, are complicit in. Rather than lazily leaving it to the next few generations to clean up this hopefully clean-uppable mess I and my parents have unjustly bequeathed upon them, I think it is my duty as one of The Lord’s Creations to work and sacrifice so that those after me will not just be born, but also have a chance at survival. The Lord is perfect, humans are not. As humans, we must accept that we are capable of damaging The Lord’s creation, and the function of his creation. We must seek forgiveness, but also do our best to remedy what we have done. The Lord helps those who help themselves, yet how does he look upon those who harm children, and leave the burden of suffering for their own mistakes on those children who have done no wrong, who, in many cases, are yet to be born?

Many reasons, Lissy.

1. Expense. It’s very, very expensive to privately adopt, both internationally and domestically. I have a friend who just adopted a baby boy through private adoption, and it cost her over $25,000. If you’re concerned, perhaps you should start giving couples $25,000 so they can adopt children?

2. Foster/adopt programs have miles of red tape and hoops to jump through. Many families won’t qualify if both parents work outside the home, or if the child won’t get his/her own bedroom, etc. If you’re concerned, maybe you should give couples money so one parent can quit their job and add on to their house?

Plus, the foster care system is incredibly difficult to work with; you get attached to a child just as they are returned to the same negative situation in the name of “keeping families together.” Birth parents get way too many chances right now (and most of the time don’t change the behavior that led to their kids being removed) and it really discourages foster parents.

3. The following is from an acquaintance’s blog; she and her husband are pursuing adoption: “We have researched a bunch of agencies over the past few weeks, but most of them (including the Catholic one in our city) are not taking any new families because their waiting list is too long already.”

Their waiting list is TOO LONG. If there was such an excess of adoptable children out there, why do agencies have such long waiting lists?

This movie interviewed many experts from prominent universities who all agreed that it’s the declining birth rate which should alarm us:

http://www.demographicwinter.com/index.html

Many countries such as Russia are paying women to have babies.

My husband is a grad student, I work part time as a teacher’s aide (a lot of good my teaching degree did!), and we are very anxiously anticipating the arrival of our first child in November.  When we got married last year, we thought we would wait until he was done with school to have children (because of the financial issue), but we just felt uncomfortable using NFP since we didn’t have a really good reason not to have children.  Oh and did I mention we’re moving out of state this summer?  By US standards, this is probably one of the most imperfect times to have children but we feel so blessed.  Even our parents were very clear that they thought we should wait (after all, I’m only 24, I have YEARS of child-bearing ahead!  Why rush?)  I will never use money as a reason not to have children.

We save money where we can.  We don’t have TV or internet (gasp) although I clearly have (free) access to internet whenever I want at the local Starbucks.  My husband was desperately in need of some summer clothes, so we went to Goodwill last night and got tons of brand new looking clothes for him for $30 (it would have been around $150 for the same clothes new).  Do I wish I could sometimes watch my favorite shows on television or buy a brand new shirt?  Of course.  Is my child worth a little deprivation?  Absolutely.

Momofthree,
Honestly I think it’s another piece of propaganda to keep minorities from reproducing and to make a case for sterilization for the poor.

“How do you propose we reallocate?”  How about sharing what you have with others who need it.  You don’t need the government to do this.  Many people and organizations have been doing this for years, without government involvement.  Find a local mission and share what you have with them, so that they can take food and supplies to others who need.  Instead of recycle those old textbooks find an organization that shares these books with underprivileged high schools.

Capitalcee,
Sharing is great. Lots of people do this all the time.  We do what we can, give to our church, do habitats etc., but this will not solve things.  You need an economic/political system underlying your system that works with human nature to encourage this while at the same time rewarding the creation of wealth.  Capitalism coupled with democracy is not perfect, but it seems to be the best system I have seen.  Anyone have any other ideas? 

Going around “telling people to share” is nice, but Jesus was advocating this 2000 years ago (not to mention the similar exhortations of other great leaders), and we are still in the situation we are in today. 

Capitalcee, answer me this: Do you understand the term “finite”. Or, put another way, what does the word “finite” mean to you?

I received many negative comments every time I got pregnant again.  We were too young, we didn’t have enough money, what would we do if I had to go on bed rest again, how could we do a good job when six children came in eleven years, where would the college money come from and so on.  After raising six beautiful children, our fifth one going to college this fall, I can answer all the comments and questions with a simple “God Provides!”  We are now blessed with children, money and the ability to generously donate to charity.  How did that happen?  Daily prayer, daily hard work and the Love of God sustaining us through our trials and tribulations.

while i agree that after a certain point worrying about finances when considering having kids might be silly. if you’re deciding between buying fancy toys for yourself vs. the financial needs of your future kids. then yeah, you can afford kids if you stop buying luxury items for yourself. (and if you’re gonna want kids at some point it’s probably best not to wait…)

however if you’re struggling to get by as is, than financial concerns are definitely legitimate.

it is however ultimately up to the individual.

personally i think we should look into adoption first… take care of the kids who are already here before making any new ones of our own. (ie: address problems with the adoption/foster care systems. as well as ensuring access to contraceptives and good/complete sex education so that everybody regardless of income can manage their fertility)

Sigh, can’t live the glittering “good life” of traveling here and there; can’t just write out a check to send our kids off to nothing but the priciest colleges (oh, you KNOW that’s “gonna be the ticket” for them, look at what it did for others); and what’s this? we can’t live in that cushy neighborhood up on the hill across from and above the tracks? ... Life’s a bummer. And then there’s bills for this, bills for that, and you know it’s JUST IMPOSSIBLE to “get and STAY ahead” of things ... so why bother?
  C’mon and tell that to a disabled dad of four children, two of graduates from nationally ranked colleges in their respective fields, one vying for the Armed Forces and another looking into becoming a nurse ... and we own a home in a very nice and historic neighborhood that’s neither gated, or overly restrive, either.
  Most importantly, my wife and I have stuck together for almost 28 years, with a bank account almost always seemingly running on vapors, just as our civic servant parents (military, university administration/post office) had ... but the accounts that were never busted was that of our Faith in God and our love for each other and our children.
  Many of our wealthier friends and relatives might be shaking their heads at how we do it. But you know because I can tell many of you have also done it on kids’ broken shoe strings, scotch tape, coin rolls and endless dollops of loving patience.
  I was a military dependent and my dad, an Air Force officer and my mom were rarities in the sense they grew up in the same parish in a Northeastern milltown. He gave up a lifetime job in the P.O. to enlist in Army Air Corps as a buck private before marrying in ‘42. His sight kept him out of planes, but not out of OCS and eventually he created a very good career as a logistics officer, thus enabling us live (after I came along as the youngest by five years) my brothers and I to live overseas in Morocco and Germany, (among other interesting areas Stateside.) Did we live it up? Hardly. “Europe On $5 A Day” was my mom’s “secular bible.” 
  At the time the AF was breaking away from the Army, it was very small and my dad had a wide range of opportunities, including SAC, to move into and of course upwards in rank. He turned it flat down: “Divorce mill.”
  Before passing away 20 decades ago, my parents passed along some pointers worth sharing. Once when I was antsy to move up as a reporter/columnist and (yeah, whining) about how tough the sledding was insofar as my “career” was concerned, not to mention what that whining was taking out of my wife and then infant oldest son, my father straightened me up by saying, “Hey buster, you don’t have a career, you have a vocation.” And my mother, just weeks before she died, wrote on a piece of scrap paper…which I’ve saved to this day…advice telling me to “take your time and always make room first for your family.” Those were impressive gifts, alright. So were his stories about his days getting stuck with managing the laundry operations of an entire base, “bags n’ rags” he called it ... but what got them through all the bags n’ rags, all the diapers, all the fights between my brothers and I, all the moves, and separations by duty ... was their deep and undying devotion to their Catholic Faith. (The same could be said for a Protestant couple united by their respective denominational practice.)
  Faith, love, patience, a steadfast and demonstrative love of participating with one’s family day in and day out, a strong desire to see your children fully educated (and by this I don’t mean just the “bookish kind,” but Faith n’ Street smarts, too), in the arts and music,pets,etc., and lots of humor. And you’d be pleasantly surprised at how little it’ll cost in monetary terms to pull this off.
  When couples and parents decide to put the important things, GOD, of course, first in their lives, sooner or later, most of the rest you’re looking for will fall into place, if not accompanied by even more unexpected blessings.
  When my wife and I were first married, I used to bristle when she said, “You were spoiled.” SOme of us can be slow learners, but eventually, I caught on. But better still, I wasn’t just relatively spoiled, I was blessed ... all because my parents put God first and the rest fell into place.
  It’s not only possible, it’s necessary.

What better investment vehicle than several children to take care of you when you grow old?

Adam, EXCELLENT POINT. But we “elders” have to remember to fair n’ nice to all of ‘em. Because the one who remembers that “one event” that one oh so traumatizing event that “ruined” his or her life forever and a day, will be the likely the the only one who happens to be living close enough. Not that the others aren’t close emotionally, but we can’t help where they’ll chose to live once they’ve learned how to fly out of the nest.
  It’s that one kid with grudge of all grudges for that one day you gave “THE LOOK” (LOL) and ruined that child’s life. (Or worse, spent an eternity taking prom pictures just as they’re ready to go and it’s 95 degrees with 99 pct humidity. (Nothing like a “warm up” for weddings.)
  Lord knows how many eternities my dad had my brothers and I spend on or in front of some famous general’s equestrian statue on some battlefield in the middle of July, oh yes, a cool place like Vicksburg. Even my mother dreaded THOSE precious moments which we all had good laughs about years later.

Great article!  We have 10 kids and no “extra” money but we have a good life and I know we’ll never regret having any of our children.  And we pray that we can fit in a couple of more before I’m too old :)

This comes at an interesting time in my life, having just become pregnant with an unplanned baby when my son was only 6 months old.  I ranted.  I fumed.  I WAS open to life, but I thought I was using NFP correctly.  I wasn’t “ready” for this.  Well I miscarried.  Now I have learned my very painful lesson - ready or not, I would give anything to have that precious baby back.

May God bless you during this difficult time, and thank you for your witness.

Thank you Liz for mentioning the Pope Paul VI Institute for infertility treatments.  My husband and I pursued treatment through one of their trained doctors, and three short years later, we have two beautiful children and are expecting our third any day!  Praise God!

Bibliosophy - Great news!!  That is awesome! Three babes!!  So blessed!
Hope others reading this will share their stories about PPVI Institute.  So often many miscarriages are due to a drop in progesterone.  A simple test can determine a risk to the pregnancy and progesterone can be administered.  Many doctors are reluctant to do this and wait for the woman to have a ‘history’.  Creighton doctors are willing.  My experience lead my friend to request the test from her Creighton OB.  Her levels were borderline, progesterone was administered saving her from a possible miscarriage!  No woman needs that kind of history!  http://www.popepaulvi.com

Momofthree, Finite means there is an end.  I just don’t believe that we can always predict when the end will happen.  For some reason, we tend to always be wrong.  There was the same “myth” perpetuated in the 70’s which stated we would all die off by year 2000.  The more that these myths are perpetuated the more they are debunked.  Plus, our time on earth has always been finite as well. This is promised by God.  The world is not overpopulated, sorry without reading biased articles and just doing my own research I just don’t believe it. 

Read this.  http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/01/seven-billion/kunzig-text

Loved your analyses, Jennifer. Me and my husband have been married for a little over a year now and started practising NFP (loosely) a few months ago. We will be received in the Catholic Church (we’re both raised in an evangelical family, and were baptised as teens) at Pentecoast. Joyfull times! Thank you to remind me of the fact that we don’t need to be in controll about everything all the time. It changes my world, as I was raised as and by a controllfreak. My mum keeps reminding me ‘don’t have a baby too soon!’ (I turn 25 this week) Fear is such a huge factor in the planning.
Liz, would you happen to know how I can find a Pope Paul VI Institute-doctor in Belgium or the Netherlands? Some of my friends are struggling with infertility (they all have had one child already, but then couldn’t receive anymore) and now looking for ‘common’ helpmethods like IVF. I’d like to show them ways to an alternative!

www.popepaulvi.com

Check out this website.  There is a link for finding a doctor.  If not, then contact them directly and they will direct you.  There is also the Vitae clinic in Austin Tx that has a website and they may also be able to help.  LMK if you run into a dead end.

Thank you Liz!

Thank you so much for this article and for all the comments from the older folks encouraging us younger people to have larger families on a shoe string. We make just $20K a year, have no outside help, don’t rely on gov’t programs but we still eat enough, have health care, and even own our own home. We have 2 kids now and would like to add many more in the years to come and know we can with some creativity and learning to love life even without eating out, taking vacations, and ever having a nice new car. Not easy, but we’re blessed!

It’s true, significant portions of the world are at sub-replacement fertility.  Europe’s aging population has prompted governments to pay out anywhere from a few hundred to a couple grand per kid (there’s less of this practice now, I think, in light of the economy).  You might be amazed to see how this is even a problem in China.  You think we are going to have trouble supporting our aging Baby Boomers?  You haven’t seen anything - http://www.fpri.org/ww/0505.200407.eberstadt.demography.html

momofthree or whoever it was: you look at traffic and house prices and see overpopulation?  Really?  I see old, inadequate infrastructure…poorly-designed, pedestrian-unfriendly cities…lack of reliable public transportation…and plain old-fashioned conflating of wants with needs.  The northeast city I live in is often supremely impractical and frankly, dangerous to get around on foot or bike.  Contrast that with my hometown, a college town where all one’s basic needs were located within walking distance of campus and freshmen were forbidden to have cars.  You might be surprised to know that densely populated New York City is extremely energy-efficient (not that they don’t have any other problems, but still)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Environmental_issues_in_New_York_City
My current city also is rumored to have one of the sharpest contrasts between wealth and poverty in the eastern US, which I can believe.  What could people possibly be putting in all those rooms of those big houses in the trendy West End?  More crap they don’t need?

Sophi - contraception has done exactly what for our current problems?  It’s more widely available and socially acceptable than ever, yet there are still about 1.3 million abortions a year in the US, about 80% if I did my math right of what there were in the 70s.  The Alan Guttmacher Institute’s reported stats are that a little over half of women seeking abortions were using contraception during the time they got pregnant.  To the ideologue, the answer to failures of contraception is always more contraception.  “They weren’t doing it right, they need to be educated.”  As someone who can repeat to you the basics of condom use without ever having used one, I think that excuse is going to get more and more difficult to maintain in the absence of results.  A New York Times article related to that city’s astronomical abortion rate started with the same presumption you did, that the problem was access and education, but once they actually interviewed women it became apparent that they were ambivalent about motherhood, career, etc.  They had trouble making up their minds (understandibly, I think).  Did the article’s authors not read what they wrote?  There’s a saying: insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome.

I see why people were putting in manual paragraph breaks.  Sorry!

To all those who said things like it was admirable to limit the size of your family—shame on you. Environmental concerns—come on. The whole environmental thing as well as overpopulation is the biggest lie there is. It is never admirable to limit the number of children. It is EVIL. There is no excuse! Money or lack thereof is not a legitimate reason either. For those of you that labor under these delusions of carbon footprints and other such crazy notions you shoukld know that these are lies told by those that desire these behaviors. There are those of us who will negate your efforts by the many children we will be having. In the end we will win through sheer numbers because we will be having lots of children as God intended (increase and multiply) while you are not. Once again deliberately limiting the number of children is a serious evil. And of course contraception in any form is a MORTAL SIN.

As I was rereading my comment I realized it is more confrontational than I intended. I am just trying to forefully point out that this concept of limiting our children through some misguided concern for the earth and/or the environment is a prime example of the “BIG LIE” idea of the Nazi regime - tell people a lie long enough and they will start believing it. Too many people have started believing these lies of overpopulation and carbon footprints because they have heard it over and over again.

I think that the right time to have a child is the time when you can confidently say to yourself that you ready physically, psychologically, and financially. Just keep in mind that your child should not suffer after he will be delivered. If you are fully ready to have a child, a better life you can give to your child.

My husband and I just bought our first house. He really wants to start having children but I think we need to get our bills in order first. We are so bad a budgeting. We pay bill late and even forget about some altogether. We really need to start a home budget spreadsheet before we have children. I don’t think having children is a good idea until we have all of our house bills together.