Because we haven't suffered enough this summer, my husband and I took our nine kids camping this week. Last time I went camping, I was single, fit, and owned sneakers. Last time my husband went camping, he meant that he had to use his second favorite blanket until his favorite blanket came out of the wash.
So, we are not really the outdoorsy type. But this was our summer for just going ahead and doing things, whether they made sense or not. So there we were, camping. This is what we learned:
1. Somebody is going to get horribly sick. May I recommend that it be an adult who gets sick? Because even an adult who is in serious pain and is delirious with fever is going to do her darndest not to wake up everybody else, and you know a kid would never be that considerate. It helps if the second adult present is a prince among men who will stay up late chatting with the teenagers around the campfire, endure a mostly sleepless night filled with the quiet moaning and thrashing around by his wife, who is dying; and then gets up, makes breakfast, and takes all the kids on a hike while his wife takes a nap.
2. Somebody is going to start the day by getting burned. Open fire, eleven people, urbanized adults trying to start a fire before they've had their coffee -- this recipe appears on page two of How To Get Severely Burned In an Entirely Avoidable Way. It's also possible that kids don't necessarily need popcorn for breakfast; and that, just because the popcorn pan has a handle on it, that doesn't mean you can just reach right in there and grab that handle, which, upon closer inspection, is a nice glowy shade of red. But maybe you haven't had your coffee yet.
3. Even if you know it invalidates any outdoorsy credentials you might otherwise be gathering . . . even if you have to bring a gas-powered generator to run it . . . even if you have to toss out one of the children in order to make room for it . . . bring a coffee maker. Yes, that's right, a plug-in coffee maker, which you can operate by pushing a button, and which makes actual coffee. Because starting the day with lukewarm instant coffee with ashes and bugs floating in it? Is not as pleasant as it sounds.
4. The kid who will not, cannot, shall not make it to the bathroom in time when she's watching "Clifford" and the bathroom is twenty feet away, because going to the bathroom is boring, is the same kid who will sweetly ask to be taken to the restrooms down the road every eleven minutes or so, morning, noon, and night, throughout your entire trip. But she will wet her pants on the way home.
5. There is a God. I know this because, stumbling back from a pre-dawn bathroom trip, the skunk that was blocking my path to the door neither got inside, nor sprayed me. He just made me stand there, frozen in terror and indecision, for one of the longest five-minute spells of my life, until, with an unkind sneer, he strutted away.
6. Floors are important. Really, really important. You may not appreciate this fact until you spend enough hours with a crawling baby who apparently constantly has a little voice telling her, "EAT THAT! AND THAT! AND THAT! AND THAT THING THERE, WITH THE FUNGUS AND THE SPIKES AND THE ANTENNAE AND THE LIGHTER FLUID ON IT! YOU MUST EAT THAT NOW, QUICK, WHILE YOUR MOTHER IS BUSY HUNTING EVERYWHERE FOR THE COOKING POT WHICH SHE NEVER ACTUALLY PACKED! EAT EVERYTHING!!!"
7. The great thing about going screen-free for a couple of days is that you're not constantly thinking, "Oh, how lovely it is to be screen free! Look at me, not even wondering what's on Facebook right now! I don't even care how many emails I'm missing!" Nope, you're just . . . doing stuff. Like walking around, gathering wood, trying to spot mushrooms in every color, and laughing at an overly macho caterpillar who rears up on his hindquarters in an effort to intimidate you away from the water pump.
8. We used to be wholesome, tidy, law-abiding folk who tsk-tsked over noisy, stinky, dirty, rambunctious, inconsiderate slobs. In fact, as we packed for the trip, I was terrified that we'd end up setting up camp next to a family like that, and that they'd ruin our nice time. Halfway through our trip, I realized that we are that family. Every time we came back from a hike or a swim, the nice man in the next lot suddenly conceived a burning desire to fold up his lawn chair and go somewhere else. Yep, we've slid way down the scale in the peking order of decency. I can't tell if I'm more horrified or relieved.
9. There will be at least one complainer in the bunch. Not just a grouser or a whiner, but a true hero of the sport, a virtuoso, a tireless, dedicated, unflagging, inexhaustible bellyacher who can adapt any happenstance, no matter how trivial, neutral, or even objectively enjoyable, into a cause for a magnificent symphony of complaining. The only way to deal with this is to sit back and admire the skill and enthusiasm the kid demonstrates in her chosen field. There's nothing you can do about it anyway, so you might as well be supportive, and recognize talent when it turns up. Because, man.
10. It was the best vacation ever. We're totally going next year.
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We went camping for *one* night, a few weeks ago. Every year our beach community holds a “legal” camp out on the sand. There is a barbeque, a band comes at sunset, and tents line the seashore. I always marvel at how the ocean, tiki lights, and an old Pat Benetar song can make a Mom in a a beach cover up and Uggs give herself over with abandon to what you simply couldn’t picture at 8 am on a school day. Oh yeah, there was tequila too. That Mom wasn’t me! It was all the usual offenders. I was dancing only somewhat shamelessly with my husband, a grinning six-y.o. and a three-y.o. whose dance moves I need to blame somebody for(!)All of us were decked out with glow stick necklaces and crowns. So, that was group “A”. Group “B” was composed of our 13 y.o. boy, his 12 y.o. cousin, and their young apprentice, my wide eyed 8 y.o., who followed them around their tent, living for the day when he too could have a bow, a quiver full of arrows and an illegal switchblade to carve stuff with (spears). Now this is where it gets tricky. Parents with kids in pull-ups don’t realize that a whole new class of suffering awaits them. Group “C” was a small mob: Four of my progeny in their teens and twenties, about eight cousins, and a bunch of their friends. My sixteen y.o. (and his 15 y.o. cousin who slipped in on the deal) had been initiated into their group the month before on his birthday. Thankfully,he was giving wide birth to the beer (a well learned lesson). They were having a really great time…guitar around the campfire, a midnight swim in the ocean, drying themselves around their roaring bonfire… That’s about when things started to unravel. Boycousin #3 went into jackass mode. (the show, not really the attitude) That’s what I find is the problem with this age. Some of them are always pushing the envelope. It’s like the mentality that only youthful pleasure-seekers can have: if you’re having THIS much fun, it can *only* get better if you raise the thrill factor. It also reminds me why St. Teresa says her own relatives were her greatest occasions of sin as a youth. So boycousin #3 (who has broken several bones already in the noble pursuit of “fun”) says: “Let’s break into the old beachhouse!” The beachhouse is an old 1920’s relic on huge concrete stilts. It is owned by heirs to a vast fortune whose estate is on the cliffs above. The coastal commission won’t allow them to use it, so it is boarded up, and after nearly 100 years, it is slowly melting away. Naturally they break into the beachhouse every year. There’s nothing to do in there, the windows are boarded up and it stinks. But it’s creepy! Most of all, it’s illicit. They get a special thrill out of drinking a couple of beers in there because they’re not supposed to. Cut to 3:30 am in the morning. My husband and I are sleeping with exhaustion in our tent,(on our tempurpedic mattress!) It only has a light sandpaper effect with an even sprinkling of sand on it. #7 and #8 are snuggling on either side of us. Several emergency vehicles are rushing into the beach turn around. We sleep through this and their mad dash hundreds of yards down the beach. We get a call from our 21 y.o. who is accompanying his older brother in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. His brother is spitting mad, insisting that he is fine. We are told that on his jump from the roof to a retaining wall below, he has slipped, falling sideways onto rocks and rusting metal. All the worst goes through my mind as I rapid-fire questions at his brother. My husband rushes to the hospital, and I stay with the sleeping children. I fall asleep praying, with the phone stuck to my ear. It turns out that he IS fine, no concussion even. The only casualty is a crushed iphone, a scraped face and a gash on the bottom of the foot. My second son (who had done a special internship in a hospital to discern if he wanted to be a doctor) insisted he had spinal fluid exiting his nose. “Nope” said the ER doctor, “I think it was beer.”
So that was my firstborn on his second-ever trip to the hospital he’d been born in,almost exactly twenty-five years before. The kid who graduated Cum Laude, and who still elicits a sigh from us as we realize that when one is a parent one can never rest easily, (long sigh) even more so, when they fly from the nest on their youthful wings.
When we took our family camping the year #2 was 8months old, he spent the whole weekend eating dirt. He loved it. And we cleaned sand and pine needles out of his diaper area for a week. This summer that young boy, who is now 7, went on a canoe trip with his grandparents. He got to be in charge of the fire.
Two tips, if you are car camping and weight isn’t an issue, get a Coleman stove that uses small propane cylinders. Making coffee is as easy as pushing the starter button and turning the knob. No fire making. Second, make what my father calls ‘camp coffee’. It is coffee with scotch. On cold mornings, lots of scotch. What????? You’re camping, no commuting to work that day!
How does the “Peking Order of Decency” compare to that of Shanghai?
Watch for ticks.
rotfl! As a camping family, I loved each and every one. #9 has a special place in my heart, though. We have our own budding virtuoso. I like the idea of just sitting back and reveling in their talent. Because you’re right: there’s nothing you can do, even with unlimited money and time, that will shut off that eternal spigot of grousing…
OUr virtuoso complainer perfected her craft on camping trips in order to give her finest performance on a ski trip. The first day, she complained about everything: boots, sweater, clothes,socks, wind, her hair, her socks,dinner, the bed, you name it. This was met with the family response “Suck it up.” The next morning, she was clomping downstairs in her same outfit, silent but stomping and glaring. Dad made the mistake of pointing out that everything was the same as the day before, and she was not complaining. She whirled around, shot daggers at his and hissed,” I’m sucking it up!” She was, at the time, not quite 4…..
Haha! I still can’t believe you took 9 kids camping. You are a brave, brave woman indeed. Also, this post reminds me why I dislike camping so much!
We loved camping growing up - even the really horrible trips where all nine of us kids got sick. I’m not sure it was fun for Mom since she had to do everything she normally does - except without a washer/dryer and with a campstove. But those memories are among the best of our childhood.
For a few years during my childhood—maybe starting when I was 8 and going until I was 17?—my family would go camping for a week during the summer. We would take 2 canoes (because there were 10 of us) and paddle out to a small island in the middle of a lake in the U.P. There we would pitch tents, my mother would cook over an open fire, we’d bathe in the lake, and my dad would section off a small area for a “bathroom” (wrapping a tarp around 4 close trees). We’d spend our days running around the island, picking wild blueberries and/or huckleberries, hunting crayfish in the shallows, swimming, canoeing, reading books, exploring other islands, sun-tanning, singing, etc. It is one of the more idyllic memories of my childhood, and I remember it with great fondness. But I got to experience it from the younger-child set; I’m sure it looked a lot more like your description for my parents and older siblings! :)
Priceless - totally delightful. Thanks:).
Have you read Patrick McManus’ books, starting with ‘A Fine and Pleasant Misery’? Add those to your reading list! Now!
Posted by Richard A on Friday, Aug 31, 2012 2:45 PM (EST):Have you read Patrick McManus’ books, starting with ‘A Fine and Pleasant Misery’? Add those to your reading list! Now!”
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I have, but don’t recall the book titles. I also used to read his articles in Field & Stream.
Better you than me! I used to do a fair amount of camping in my 20’s. Then I married a city boy who’d never camped in his life. Alright by me. Then our oldest son joined the Cub Scouts and my husband became heavily involved. Now he is the king of camping while I haven’t been in two decades.
Oh, I just love camping for all of the above reasons…and for rivers running through tents on rainy nights when air mattresses double nicely as rafts…and waiting out thunderstorms in a hot, humid car…
But oh, so fun!!! So ready to upgrade to serious, serious, camping—VIA RV!!!!
Reason number one is why we now ALWAYS travel with a small steam vac. #6 is hysterical! Sounds like a great time!
Camping’s great.
Ok, me with eight kids is wondering how you with nine kids found anywhere at all to go camping! We’ve looked far and from Virginia to Wisconsin and every state in between and every campground excludes us, except for one (which was designed for large groups, but would allow large families, if the dates had matched our need). Please share your secret!
Ha, ha—number 8 killed me. Because I’ve recently come to the same realization myself.
Camping is the BEST because kids really do need to stick stuff in fire and run around with pointy sticks. They do.
Oh, yes, the horror of discovering that you are THAT family! The state of our campsite made us look like a bunch of Okies traveling to the promised land of California. I don’t see how people consider camping as a way to get away from it all. Seems to me we take it all with us…including my hair appliances...
Simcha: next time, a French press. Oh yes.
Thank you for reminding me why I hate camping. I know there is a God because he found me a husband that also hates camping. We have been happlily hating camping for our entire marriage. My kids and husband couldn’t even handle one night in the backyard in a tent; everyone wanted back in their comfy warm beds by midnight.
Anyway, funniest article I’ve read in a long time - thank you!
@Bekah…My wise advice is to either get two next-door campsites, or (even better) get one of the group campsites. They’rE perfect—and rarely any neighbors to drive away.
This thinly veiled attack on children and their lack of wisdom is particularly uncharitable coming from a Catholic writer. These are things children don’t know unless you teach them. And you teach them BEFORE you take them camping.
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Likewise, I think Simcha also, unjustly gives fire a bad rap. How unfair to blame fire for making things hot, you should know better than to touch hot things in all circumstances… not just when you’ve had your coffee.
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Once again Simcha, your writing style is biting and harsh, and this holier-than-thou Catholic does not appreciate it, and neither would my mother.
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(sorry!! ;-) - all the comments were so kind up to this point, I thought I was in the wrong place! Sarcasm font disabled.
Carry on.
Numbers 4,6 and 9! Wow! you really did go camping!
I have been a camping parent for 20 years and a Scoutmaster for 13 years. EVERY WORD IS TRUE! God Bless you and your family.
Renae: *smirk* Good job - my first response to your reply was, “Oh PUH-LEEZE.” I went with it right up to “holier-than-thou”, as this is always IMPLIED, not explicitly stated. :D
Camping=Homeless with credit cards. Do you think that the poor appreciate you slumming and making fun of their lifestyle? Do you think that reversing evolution is funny? What is it about the Three Little Pigs did you not understand?
Quick Quiz:
a. Toilet: inside/outside the house? Circle one.
b. Bugs: inside/outside the house? Circle one.
c. Coleman Propane Stove/Iron Maiden? Circle your favorite instrument of torture.
d. Children showering with strangers: Good idea/WTH was I thinking? Circle One.
e. Public Campgrounds: Family fun/God’s way of culling the herds? Circle one.
Ha! Renae - you had me going too!
@Renae - oh, well done! Right down to the “more in sorrow than in anger” tone. I had to read it twice.
;-)
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Just felt like I HAD to!
Oh. I only just now got that ‘peking’ means ‘pecking’. I thought there was some sort of Peking order of decency… as in the location. Hilarious post! The closest I’ve been to camping in the last fifteen years was when my parents took all six of us children to this tiny house on our cousin’s property for the weekend. It was like one room in the shape of an upside-down square bracket ] with a bathroom in the middle. Even that was too close for comfort.
@Maggie - oh, this post is just rife with errors. If I had been smart, I would have written something ahead of time before we went camping, rather than leaving it for Friday morning. But instead, I chose to spend that pre-camping time lurching around the house moaning, “Oh, why didn’t I make a LIST?” Gah, I’m still sick.
Oh this is very funny - growing up in a family of 10 that camped allot I can relate! #3 in particular. On one of our last camping trips my husband insisted that we bring the coffee maker. We offered a cup to the men camping next to us and they offered to pay me $5 for a cup - I thought that he was going to kiss me when I filled his thermos full. :)
@Bekah - we also get two camping spots which is wonderful for the kids to have more room to run but here in South Dakota there is not a problem with big families in one spot. Come to SD and visit Mt. Rushmore!
percolator, Simcha. :)
Julie
Here’s a few more: *The child who never has a potty accident has one while camping, *you find out who the pyromaniac in the family is, *losing a child in the woods is super scary, *having a group with a TV and dish in the next campsite is annoying until they ask you to guard the TV for them while they leave, and you can park the kids in front of it for some blessed peace, *asking a drunk in the next site to kindly keep their voice down so the kids can sleep is not a good idea, *if the privacy fence at the rear of your campsite has a beer garden on the other side, plan to have “Freeway of Love” go through your head for the rest of you life. Family camping is great! Now that the kids are grown, we look forward to more fun experiences with the grandkids.
I am glad that you are and your family went camping and had a good time.
Loved the caterpillar who reared his hindquarters at you. See? Even God has a sense of humor…Maybe you should do a piece on what would happen to us if humor was a sin. One thing is sure: Mothers and Fathers would think camping was a form of hell. Wait a minute! Gadzooks! Lacking humor IS hell.
Loved this! The last time we went camping, my husband got sun poisoning, we were attacked in the middle of the night by wild horses, my 13 month old developed a high fever and refused to sleep, and I was 6 months pregnant. Never, never again. We are clearly indoor people.
The reason that I love camping is #8. We are always that family with 3 boys, but when we’re camping it all feels okay somehow!
#9. I knew the complainer had to be a her. We have an incredibly talented one of those in our group of kids. So appreciating the talent for what it is, is the trick to survival? I shall try this next, because DANG, the chores, time-outs, grounding, lecturing, and evil-eye ain’t working for me.
Cassandra, why don’t you try prophesying her imminent demise?
Becca, was being 6 months pregnant somehow related to the wild horses episode? I miss the connection.
I would like to see a future column on the “too preoccupied to potty” child. I was wondering if this is something that passes?
I loved camping, but then, I camped all throughout my childhood. When our six children were children, we often camped too…usually my idea, particularly to save money on vacations, as I’m the more thrifty one :) ...although my hubby was a backpacker in his single days, so he was okay with it.
I have this to say in agreement with the tenor of your post: Camping with kids is usually not a “vacation” for a mother, in the sense of a chance for her to recharge or take care of herself. That needs to be a separate pursuit. :) Also, we once went tent camping during my third trimester of a pregnancy & I don’t recommend that (I came home to premature contractions and a hospital trip to stop them). And if we had a crawler while camping, he could crawl a few feet on a big blanket, with us watching and ready…or in the tent, or in the tent trailer after we got one…or in a visit center if we went sightseeing, but not in the dirt. And yeah, we got the tent trailer after the third trimester camping trip. :) I decided I wasn’t doing the ‘sleeping on the ground thing’ any more.
Camping *is* a great opportunity for everyone to *be together*! And to enjoy the beautiful sights and sounds and smells of nature. The wide open spaces or close-set trees. The million stars in the sky. The smell of the pine. The lingering scent of a campfire after you’ve put it out. Perhaps the sound of a stream rushing by and the wind in the trees. Nothing like it on earth!
I’ll second your camping isn’t much of a vacation for the mom line. I will not take the kids on any vacation while I’m pregnant. Vacations are way too much work and I always feel way too poorly throughout. When I’ve been pregnant, my husband has taken the bigger kids for quick overnights, like to the indoor water park. The little ones stay home with me in familiar (and therefore much easier) surroundings.
LOVED the ending! It really surprised me, and a broad smile and even a chuckle came about. I LOVE camping. A couple years ago some not very nice person backed up to our very small tent camper, stored at a friend’s house, and drove away, with ALL our 35 + years of camping gear and memories. We tent camped for years and then went to tent campers, but we kept our tents, and even had the one that we started out with, and we used on hour honeymoon, to the Boundary Waters Canoe area, in N. MN. It was VERY sad. We have not been camping for many years, as we have been traveling around a bit, doing apostolic type work, but our seven kids did enjoy it, well most of them, and I consider those times some of my best memories. I am so happy it will be some of yours, too. Christ’s peace!!
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