Adolescence can sometimes look like the grand finale of the terrible twos, leaving parents to wonder if they’ve had any success in forming their kids at all.

Take heart, Mom and Dad. You still have more influence on their hearts and minds than any other single force in their lives — and opportunities abound to give your kids the tools they need to grow into faithful and virtuous adults.

The No. 1 influence on the faith of young people is the spiritual life of their parents, says Bob McCarty, executive director of the National Federation of Catholic Youth Ministry in Washington, D.C. (online at NFCYM.org). Parental participation in Sunday Mass and other liturgies, involvement in parish life and Church ministries, attendance at retreats, Bible studies and adult catechesis — all show children that our faith in Christ is a significant part of our lives, he says.

Parents also need to model their faith in their everyday lives and show that it “works” for them. “Faith should influence our lifestyle choices, use of time, how we handle conflicts, the relationships we form, and how we handle work issues,” says McCarty.

It should also be apparent to our kids that our top concern is for their salvation and sanctification.

To those ends, Mary Ann Kuharski, Catholic author, mother of 13, and director of ProLife Across America in St. Anthony, Minn. (ProLifeAcrossAmerica.org), encourages parents to be consistent and not to waver on the things that matter. “You can give in on the hairdos and funny socks, but you never give in on immodesty, indecency, vulgarity,” she says. “Those kinds of things are not bargaining chips, because we know that, in the end, it’s going to be harmful to their souls.”

Kuharski says teens don’t like themselves very much at this age. The negative feelings compel them to show their worst side to their parents. But teen character is a work in progress: Despite the attitudes and appearances, they want to aim for virtue — and they’re more open to their parents’ perspective than they let on.

“Most kids are introverted, and we adults have to be careful not to foist too much on them,” she points out. “Tell your kids that you’re praying for them. Grandparents and godparents need to tell them, too: ‘I love you, I believe in you, and I expect great things from you.’ That’s a powerful message, and one that they need to hear often.”

Wants vs. Needs

Patrick Sprankle has worked in youth ministry for 24 years. He attends St. Louis Church in Clarksville, Md., one of the wealthiest towns in the state. In an affluent environment, he says, it’s tough for kids to go against the grain of materialism and status symbols.

Too often, says Sprankle, parents buy things to keep their kids happy. This kind of happiness is, of course, fleeting.

“As parents, we can’t be afraid to set boundaries and have a lifestyle that is not only virtue-oriented, but also one of sacrifice,” Sprankle says. “Not giving kids everything they want is important. Having them do chores and work for certain things teaches responsibility and helps them learn the virtues of patience, sacrifice and self-control.”

Sprankle says parents have to point out how Jesus is at work in a young person’s world — and challenge them to let him into every area of their lives.

“Any way that we can keep our Catholic tradition, but bring the culture in — much like Jesus did with the parables — shows that we’re listening,” he says.

Creativity counts, too. Analyzing the current state of pop music, Sprankle was recently surprised to find that seven of the Top 10 either put forth positive values or were value-neutral.

“Talk about these things with your kids in light of our faith,” he advises, “and don’t do it in a judgmental way: ‘I’m going to let you have your iPod; you do a good job of picking songs that are [morally] good.’ We do have a right as parents to take things away that are not good for our kids.”

Patti Armstrong, mother of 10 and founder of RaisingCatholicKids.com with her husband, Mark, in Bismarck, N.D., has been a CCD teacher for 10 years. She says she is often struck by how little some Catholic kids know about the Catholic faith.

She cautions parents not to skimp on religious instruction in order to emphasize grades, sports or personal achievements. “The other areas start to overshadow the most important area, which is passing down our Catholic faith and instilling in them a love of God,” says Armstrong.

“If you’ve missed their youth, God is going to take us where we’re at, and we have to fully surrender ourselves and ask him for help.”

Character Studies

Formation isn’t done when CCD classes are over, either. During the teen years, Armstrong says, parents need to encourage participation in faith-based activities outside the home — youth groups, retreats, conferences and teen-oriented events.

“They need to separate from you; they need it to be their own faith,” she says, “but you still need to provide the environment that will help form them.”

Studies have shown that when families participate in their parish community or a lay movement and surround themselves with other good Catholic families, teens get a strong sense of belonging. This helps them connect with like-minded Catholic peers who can encourage them and faithful adults who can model faith and virtue.

Sprankle suggests getting teens involved in Church-based service projects, such as Catholic charities and local chapters of the St. Vincent de Paul Society. Such outreaches, he suggests, can open young eyes to the wonders of humility and the needs of others — important lessons to learn during the most self-centered stage of life.

Armstrong notes that growth in Christian discipleship takes time; often, the virtues don’t show up until later in life. She explains how her rebellious teen gradually turned into a giving 20-something — who is now serving the poor in Guatemala.

“I’ve had friend after friend humbled because, no matter how hard they tried, their kids didn’t turn out so great,” she says. “But I’ve seen many kids turn around as adults. The story isn’t over.”

At least not until God has a chance to propose a new character-development arc.

Barb Ernster writes from
Fridley, Minnesota.