Bravo!  As a husband I have to echo #7.  My wife helped organize a women’s reading group of Familiaris Consortio with a few of her girlfriends.  It turned into husband bashing (not her, she reassures me) and she killed the group after one meeting.

remember that you married a human being, not a god.

Wow, so incredibly important! And it goes both ways. She will not always cook wonderful dinners, he will not always be a considerate listener, etc, etc…we are human, we are fallen, we must learn to live together. And marriage is a true test of that.

I love all of this! From someone who has been married 7 months, this is just what I needed.

Do you have a direct line to the Holy Spirit?  Because you can’t possible know how much I had to hear this this morning, and he probably does.

Thanks.

‘t isn’t just for wives.  90% is DIRECTLY applicable to husbands.  While a direct inverse of #7 isn’t a typically man-thing, I think there’s a reasonable amount of equivalency in the practice of ogling attractive women.

OOh 2 months yesterday, and I need this list! It’s so frustrating, especially because it seems like no matter how much preparation you put into it before you get married, nothing goes that way you thought it would.

The one I really struggle with is “recreational man-bashing.” I think it’s easy to complain about one’s husband when a lady has nothing better to talk about. Maybe I ought to cultivate silence.

This is a nice list.  I think I would add (or just enhance in #7) some commentary about how women should handle their husbands when they are newly married.  Is it just me, or does not the wife tend to end up with most of the weight on her shoulders of things that should be more shared?  It depends on the culture, I know, but still—I would love to hear your thoughts on the balance/equality of man and woman in a marriage.  As a young married person myself, I struggle with this a lot.  Especially in Catholic circles, there tends to be an undue burden on women when it comes to making sacrifices, or an otherwise a more accepting role the woman takes on, especially if her husband is the breadwinner.  I’m not speaking as a feminist here, I am truly trying to understand how the Church sees and teaches us to be good husbands and wives. 

Please help Simcha!

Thank you, Simcha!  I’m not married, but it’s a vocation that I may be called to and hearing these things straight up and wonderfully to the point is very useful.  These days, it seems you hear either only the most glowing, unrealistic, condemning-of-any-other-viewpoint praise of marriage OR you hear the bashing, cynical, condemning-of-any-other-viewpoint scorn of marriage.  It’s nice to hear a perspective that understands the beauty of marriage while acknowledging the struggles and very real temptations!

Very wise, very good, Simmy.

Great list. I think you could cover it in one fell swoop with “Cut Him Some Slack”. He had expectations too, and you both are walking in a world of disillusionment.

The only thing I would add is it’s okay that he compares you to his mom and it’s okay if you remind him that she’s his mom and not his wife. Mother-In-Laws are awesome family members to have if you figure out a way to cultivate a good relationship. Guys don’t realize that holding you two up to the same standard is not helpful, so reminding him he’s lucky to have a mom and to have a wife and that they are NOT the same person, is okay too.

Nice list :)  I’ve been married only long enough to realize what a good list it is and start working!!

In response to A - I think its helpful if you just throw any ideas of equality out the window when it comes to a marriage.  A friend of my recently called it the “keeping score contest” (i.e. I got up in the middle of the night to change the crying baby, what did you do?).  If one or both spouses are constantly keeping score on what he/she or the other are “giving up” and “sacrificing” then it will never work.  Both have to give wholeheartedly.  There are times when one stays home, claustrophic and bored while the other goes golfing, but there are times when the table gets turned and it might be a sacrifice that the other spouse doesn’t even recognize as a sacrifice.  That’s life.

I’m a brand-new wife of less than 3 weeks.  I was *JUST* thinking to myself yesterday, “I need a role model!  I need a confidante, a mentor!  I have no idea how to do this!”  This was great timing—you addressed a lot of the things I’ve been grappling with, and confirmed that, yes, I do need a mentor! 

The #1 piece of advice I received from my married friends, especially those who, like us, married later in life, was, “Be patient.  With yourself, with him.  You grow into marriage—you can’t prepare yourself ahead of time.”  Very reassuring!

IMO, #2 is dead on…we had a really rocky engagement, but our early marriage was so much more manageable, I think because “are we going to get through this?” turned into “HOW are we going to get through this?” once we’d received the sacrament. That subtle shift - from IF to HOW - made a huge difference.

Thank you so much. This is what I needed having been married for just over a month.

for A: My husband and I (for 6 very happy years) have had a guideline about sharing duties… basically, I try to do everything I see that needs done and he simultaneously tries to do everything he sees that needs done, in the spirit of helping the other person. There is no division of labor, just two servants’ hearts. This really helps to eliminate feelings of irritation or envy, since I understand that sometimes he has days when he can’t do much to help me around the house and he understands that sometimes I have days when just keeping the kids happy and fed takes all my energy. Some days are cleaner and better organized than others, but we’re in it together for the long haul.

My husband and I celebrated our tenth anniversary yesterday, and I have to say that this list is spot on. I’ve been thinking lately how happy I am to no longer be a newlywed.  I’m really happy to be married to my husband but the last ten years SUCKED!  They were gruelling, weeping, bone-crushing HARD years and we’re both glad they’re over.

So, thanks again Simcha, for your way with words and your ability to say things that people need to hear, and here’s (toasting with my double espresso) to Marriage and the next ten years!

We’ve been married for 15 years, and every point on this list is still applicable. It’s an excellent list, Simcha; thank you.

I would add that Tip Number 6 is another area where you don’t want to look to “the world” for too much advice. I will also add that this is one area where we had much to learn but that, thanks again to the Holy Spirit, we have been healed of many divisions over the years.

The Holy Spirit rocks when it comes to marriage. Lean heavily on the graces that come from the SACRAMENT of your marriage.

Great list. In fact, I think that most young married couples should print it out and tape it to the bathroom mirror.

“The Holy Spirit sometimes appears unable to distinguish between two married people.”

I think that sentence is really, really profound. I would love to see a good theologian take some time to unpack it.

I’d like to second what A. said in her earlier post. What happens when the wife ends up shouldering most of the tedious tasks in the marriage regardless of whether they work outside the home or not? What happens when the marriage is 90/10 for many years and the husband is resistant or dismissive of the wife’s concerns?

I absolutely agree with the points given in the blog post, but it only works when both partners are committed to doing the work of the marriage. What happens when one of the spouses decides to rest on the labors of the other? Are you condemned to this until death do you part just to keep the peace and prevent scandalizing the children? Just looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m trying to do my best and keep a good attitude, but it gets difficult at times.

#11.5 - if your husband decides to “fix” his obnoxious snoring by going to the doctor and is subsequently diagnosed with sleep apnea, he may get a breathing machine to use at night. At that point, you have to resign yourself to the fact that you won’t get used to sleeping with Darth Vader.

Oh, I do love this list!  We’ve been married for just over 11 years now, and while we’ve had our ups and downs and (very) rocky moments, we managed to pull through and know and love each other even more because we followed these principles.  We are just two regular, imperfect people who God saw fit to join.  I’m so thankful and humbled that He entrusted me with such responsibility :)

After 22 years married, I have to agree with my Mom.  A marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s more like 60/40.  But BOTH spouses have to believe that!

Great article, but I don’t agree with all of it.  For our first Christman forty eight years ago we didn’t have very much money.  I was a 2d Lt earning the same salary in 1963 that my counterparts were earning in WWII.  Yet we were able to get a Nativity Set from J.J. Newberrys that we use to this day, as well as some lights and ornaments for a small tree.  We will remember it forwever.

Re #3.  Over 35 yrs of marriage we have prayed together every night just before retiring, usually just holding hands and saying the “Hail Holy Queen.” This is something I strongly recommend to young couples. 

Why? It’s pretty much a sure fire way to ensure that you don’t go to bed angry with one another, anger that could carry on to the next day and the next…. 

Especially early in the marriage there were times when I was very angry, but then as evening drew near the thought dawned on me that we were going to pray together at the end of the day, and I could not do that without forgiving her, so somehow I had to find it in me to do that. 

How terrible to come to the end of the day-if one has this custom- and then say, “No. Sorry I’m not going to pray with you!”  That never happened, that I recall, but there was some last minute repentance to be sure.

I think that couples don’t often realize that they are angry with one another, but prayer will throw it into relief.  Wait! I can’t pray with her, my heart isn’t right…. 

And all of this is apart from the graces and blessing that come in answer to the prayer.

So, yes, by all means- a brief prayer at the end of the day.

I love #2,8 and 10.  This is a great list to give to newlyweds.  And I think it applies to non-religious as well. My husband is not religious at all and we’ve been married 15 years so far. Yes, you have to be patient and you can NOT expect your spouse to change (at least not too much).

I think #8 has a LOT to do with why people are often unhappy in their relationships. They compare their own to others, they see what people in magazines or tv are suppose to be like (not really but they assume) etc.

I’ve also noticed women who divorce, usually have a friend or two who are already divorced. They talk to those women and start comparing. It always looks “greener on the other side”.

Besides, those of us with religious convictions know how important a family is for the children. The divorce culture has harmed more people than ever before. It has totally warped society and caused people to suffer, lose trust in others, not have proper role-models, etc.

For A., if you’re still in the newlywed stage, my first guess would be that the problem is communication.  Guys just don’t see a lot of what women do, or their housekeeping expectations/know-how are very different.  So a wife’s best bet is to just *say* what she wants him to help out with rather than wait for him to notice a disparity and just spontaneously jump in.  Also, in my marriage, I am a night owl married to a lark.  He would get up at the crack of dawn and get things done for the day; I had no problem doing housecleaning - as long as I could start at about 10 p.m.  But he’d have everything done before I was really awake and felt put upon for awhile until we figured out that it wasn’t so much my laziness as our totally different schedules.  He just had to save some things for me to do and realize that it would get done, just not at 7 a.m. on a Saturday. 
For Carolina, I’d suggest counseling, given that you’ve tried communication and still feel so stuck.  It’s not just for dreadful crisis situations; it’s hugely helpful to have an objective third party give some insight on how to bring real change in a situation that you’re so close to, you can’t see it anymore.  The trick is to find a good counselor, but you can ask around or look up catholictherapists.com

#11 - Don’t attempt to mind-read nor expect it from your spouse.  Too much brooding silence is the first step towards problems.  Just keep letting each other know - kindly, sweetly, asking not demanding, telling not insisting - what you want, need or expect.

I wasted too many months wandering around thinking - He SHOULD know what I want, like, need, expect…..and he did the same.

Ask your spouse - every day - what they need to make their day go easier and then do it.  Better than roses and chocolates and guaranteed to last much, much longer.

Carolina:
>>What happens when one of the spouses decides to rest on the labors of the other? Are you condemned to this until death do you part just to keep the peace and prevent scandalizing the children?

In such cases, you have a spouse that does not respect you.  The answer is neither leaving, nor enduring until death.  The answer is to be the strong woman of God you are called to be and take actions that requires that respect be given. 

I realize this is difficult, and most people don’t know how to accomplish it.  In such cases, it is no shame to turn to marital counseling.  Find a faithful Catholic marriage counselor and learn how to improve things.

If he refuses to participate, go to someone who specializes in single person marriage counseling so you can learn the tools you need to demand more from him.  Marriage is in some ways a system, and if you change one part of the system (you), you force the rest of the system (him) to adapt and change whether he likes it or not.

The main purpose of marriage is to help get your spouse to heaven, and he you.  Allowing your spouse to take advantage of you in such a way does no good for his soul or yours.

God Bless you.

Carolina:

>>What happens when one of the spouses decides to rest on the labors of the other? Are you condemned to this until death do you part just to keep the peace and prevent scandalizing the children?

In such cases, you have a spouse that does not respect you.  The answer is neither leaving, nor enduring until death.  The answer is to be the strong woman of God you are called to be and take actions that requires that respect be given.

I realize this is difficult, and most people don’t know how to accomplish it.  In such cases, it is no shame to turn to marital counseling.  Find a faithful Catholic marriage counselor and learn how to improve things.

If he refuses to participate, go to someone who specializes in single person marriage counseling so you can learn the tools you need to demand more from him.  Marriage is in some ways a system, and if you change one part of the system (you), you force the rest of the system (him) to adapt and change whether he likes it or not.

The main purpose of marriage is to help get your spouse to heaven, and he you.  Allowing your spouse to take advantage of you in such a way does no good for his soul or yours.

God Bless you.

sorry for the double post.

One more thing…

I want to plug Dr. Greg Popcak’s group here for Carolina.  They are family and marriage counselors that are faithful Catholics.  They manage to bring the best of theology and psychology together to do a wonderful job of helping people.  Their tele-counseling services are wonderful, and I know many people who have benefited greatly from their help.

http://www.exceptionalmarriages.com/services.htm

Carolina - My heart aches for you, I know what it is to be way down on the priority list, and to have what you want and need get dismissed or avoided. For years.
I never went to counseling bc he rejected the idea, and rejected the cost of me going by myself. So what I did is learn not to care. After a while it dawned on him that his wife didn’t love him anymore and for the past year or so, he’s actually tried to change his ways. While not a bed of roses by any means, life with him is now a lot more pleasant.
What I mean by “not caring”, in the practical sense: not having any expectations that he will do a damn thing for you. Be cordial and nice, but withdraw. Make time to do things for yourself, do whatever you can to fill your own life with happiness. Friends, hobbies, work, stuff with the kids. Count all the blessings you do have, whatever they might be, day in and out. Health, a roof over your head, etc. Turn away from the agony. Resist becoming alarmed, don’t rise to any verbal bait, take the old Mahatma Gandhi passive resistance route. The pain of a bad choice in marriage will diminish, and your heart will heal over time. And who knows, maybe he will have an epiphany and want the wife he married back, and will take steps to do so.
But in the meantime, protect yourself.
I am thinking of you and wishing good things for you, sister.

Nice post.  I don’t have an answer for Carolina, but I do want to say something about one of anon’s piece of advice: withdrawing is not always the answer. If your husband does come around, you might find your heart cool and less willing/able to love. Then the frustration/misery just continues, except you have more culpability in the negativity of the marriage than you did before. 

Also, I think the line about the holy spirit is one of the reasons I really

*sigh* stupid computer

(one of the reasons I really)...like your writing.

I am going to be overly bold and say that anon is offering terrible advice here.  Given the situation she was in, I think I get why she felt it was the only choice, but it’s still a terrible choice to have to make.

Do not accept any excuse on this.  Demand that counseling by paid for, even if it’s single person counseling.  If that fails, then contact Catholic Charities, or your diocese, for help in finding a counselor who may do discounted or pro-bono work.  Settling and enduring are not acceptable, not necessary, and you (and anon) deserve better in your marriage, and ‘maybe he’ll wake up someday’ is not good enough.

It’s a lie that you can’t change other people.  You can change how other people treat you by changing how you allow them to treat you.  I am not making light of that, or saying it’s easy, but it is possible.

And anon should seek counseling still, even now, especially since he’s finally had that epiphany.  Good intentions are a start, but if he and anon don’t have the tools to make things right (and history indicates that is the case), then help will be needed to find their way back.

@ smoochagator: that’s a great idea, I just might do that. Thanks Simcha for the list. I’m getting married in 28 days and I’m sure this will come in handy.

I’m back again - in regard to marriage counseling - I heartily endorse it!!!  My dh and I were given the gift of affordable marriage counseling after the arrival of #3 and my diagnosis of MS.  Our pastor (same one who told us about NFP) helped us find affordable and Catholic counseling that saved our marriage - literally.

Most, if not many, diocese make affordable (if not free) counseling available for couples in distress.  Give your pastor or diocesan family life office a call.  Retrouvaille is the retreat offered for couples who are struggling. 

Go by yourself if you need to - never forget that as the Creator of the sacrament of marriage, God is always there to help with the grace and information you need to make a bad marriage better.

I’ve been married three years, and I still feel pretty new at all this.  Growing and getting better, but still definitely new.  Thanks for these tips - I felt like I could breathe a little sigh of relief knowing that this is all normal.  And I’m healthily convicted of some things I could be doing better at.  Thanks :-)

I sense a shift in Catholic marriages coming.  I good one, but not without work.  I think many Protestant couples are leaps and bounds further in this realm of providing practical advice in communicating and relating with the opposite sex.  We, as Catholics, have for too long relied on our Catholic culture roots to sustain us, but these roots can only nourish for so long in a desert of secularism.  Retrouville is good, Alexander House does great work too, but we need to get the word out that marriage that can be awesome.  The worldlers need to see our marriage and think “What the hell was that?  They have something that I have always been looking for!  What do they have that makes them so happy?”  We have hands down the best theology of marriage, now we need to show others how to live it.

For example, marriage is til death to you part.  How do you pass the hurdle of financial freedom, school choice, adultery, no community, bad moral advice, etc.?  A great source of theology is the “Theology of the Body”, but it doesn’t go into the practical.  More things like Simcha’s article and Popcak’s counselling are needed.

I like #7 a lot.  I can’t seem to find anywhere: tv shows and commercials, magazines, even casual conversation that isn’t into man-bashing. I don’t put up with woman-bashing either.  Thank God for church!

Hi Simcha. I really enjoyed this post. My husband and I had a conversation almost exactly along these lines last night, because we were marveling at where we were v. our parents (both sets unfortunately are very much along the lines of what Carolina was describing- and Carolina- I am praying for you. After seeing both sets of our parents go through a similar situation, it is heartbreaking-and-it has taken years for healing to occur- and they are nowhere near ‘okay’. It will be a lifetime of change for them, I fear.) We were questioning what lessons we felt we would want to explain to a young couple if they sought our advice as it is beginning to happen a little bit, and I just love how you laid it out here.  As we are both have recently converted to Catholicism ourselves, I am finding such wisdom to be found in the Church. I know Jared was talking about the Protestant churches as being a bit more advanced in this area, and maybe he is right in one sense- but my husband and I both mentioned last night what a gift it was to have a Church that places such a high regard on marriage and fights for it- something, I fear, that has been totally lost, particularly within the Evangelical sector.

Joy, good point.

Wonderful post, even for me who’s been married 30 years this November.  It seems like a lot of issues are cyclical—they appear, they’re resolved, and they reappear later, and Simcha’s advice is spot-on for all those times.  My mom had good advice for me early on, as well—she said that as long as each of us gave 70%, it would work out even.

Another winner Simcha! I’m printing this out for my daughter.

Simcha, I’ve been married for 26 years and this is a good list to follow.  I would like to add a couple of observations from personal experience.  Husbands, we women sometimes like to spew out our problems.  I know that you guys often feel helpless and inadequate when this happens.  Most of the time when this happens we women don’t inform you of the fact that we aren’t asking you to solve all these problems.  We just need to spew and who better to that with than your spouse?  Wives, when you feel the need to spew, please tell your husbands in advance that you don’t want them to solve these problems you just need to spew in order to sort them out in your own head and feel better.  Husbands, if your wives don’t do this, please ask them if there is any problem in there that she might want your help or advice.  As for who carries the heaviest burden in a marriage?  That is not applicable in marriage as each spouse should be carrying the same load, i.e. 100% for each of them.  Marriage is not a contest of who does how much.  Each of you needs to be giving 100% i.e. total open donation of selves to the marriage.  How this works out on a day-to-day basis is trial and error.  In my home, my husband works while I stay home.  I take care of the home, kid and grandkid.  My husband and son do the yard work because for some reason when I try and do it I get migraines.  (strange but true).  As for housework, well most falls on my shoulders with the help of my son.  I ask my husband not to add to my work by picking up after himself (he has a tendency to leave doors and drawers open which drives me to distractions).  My point to him is he doesn’t appreciate when someone at work adds to his workload so I am asking for the same courtesy in return.  He also happens to work for a major retailer.  I routinely ask him to pick stuff up before he comes home thereby saving me a trip if I only need a few items (I keep the number of items to below express lane qualifications).  The point is you have to find the routine that works for you.

Counseling can be wonderful.  Just be prepared that the counselor may not tell you what you want to hear.  Sometimes spouses can feel put upon in a relationship and someone truly objective can see differently.  Let’s be careful about judging other people’s relationships, especially when we’ve only heard one side of it.  And let’s be careful about falling into the “women do more work than men” trap.  My husband became really sick about seven years ago (might have died kind of sick), and cannot work nearly as hard as he used to.  While I would love, for his sake, that he would have his old vigor back, I would never complain about doing the tasks he can no longer do.  Be grateful for this service you can do for the man you love.  One day he may not be there for you to show him that love.

I’m getting married in March and this list is very helpful - thanks!

Just expanding on a point made above. Sometimes—not always—the problem of one spouse doing more work than the other isn’t quite what it seems.  Housework is the classic example here.  Sometimes Husband doesn’t clean or tidy, and Wife resents this: “He thinks I’m supposed to pick up after him!” Maybe he does, but—this might be hard for Wife to understand—maybe he doesn’t.  Maybe he just doesn’t care if stuff is lying all around, just as he doesn’t care whether the dishes get done *after* cooking or *before* cooking.  He doesn’t want her to do it.  He doesn’t see the need for anyone to do it.

This doesn’t mean there’s no problem, but that the problem isn’t what it appears to be.  From her perspective, he’s not doing enough work; from his perspective, she’s demanding an unreasonable degree of tidiness and cleanliness.  Some compromise might need to be found. He needs to pick up, but perhaps she needs to relax her standards a bit.

May I be so bold as to suggest a #11?  SPEND LESS THAN YOU EARN. Of course this is advice to both spouses, not just the new wife!

Money problems ruin lots of marriages, including marriages where there’s plenty of money, if only the spouses were willing to live frugally.  It’s amazing how little money you can get by on.  We know many people who earn more than we do but whose finances are worse—they just spend too much. 

It’s actually possible to get by without cable TV, cell phones, eating out, nice vacations, etc. etc.  I’ve got the seven kids and the professor’s salary to prove it.

The frugal life can be a great life: reading aloud in the evening is a better activity than watching TV anyway.

Carolina, all I have to say is I don’t think anon’s advice is wise either. Don’t give up, don’t settle for an ok life, don’t turn your heart cold towards your husband, seek help.

Advice like this needss to be more widespread.

Great post, thank you! It again has inspired a post out of me. I link back to this one. Maybe you’ll enjoy it? Love your writing, and the fact that you are so prolific. Seriously, art criticism with 8 kids underfoot and another underbelly? It makes me work harder just thinking about you!

http://lettersto.us/archives/212

Thanks for this post! I was a tradition-Nazi when I was first married. I attempted to make croque-em-bouche (a giant horrifying tower of filled cream puffs held together with caramelized sugar) when I was nursing a one month old! I actually called my poor in-laws animals because they celebrate holidays whenever they can all be together, (rather than on the day) sometimes over takeout on paper plates! It’s funny and embarrassing now but I cried so much when a kind soul (husband’s aunt) finally talked to me about being such a nightmare on holidays.

To Carolina and A - the inequality of labor has been a huge problem in my marriage (we’ll celebrate 3 years this September) and there have been many times that I’ve cried out to God, is this really going to go on FOREVER? Am I doomed to being the mule in this relationship for the rest of my life? Well, my husband and I have gone through quite a bit of strife in the past six months, and we’ve made incredible headway in this area. I realized that 1) I chose this man, I chose this marriage. So I am not “doomed” to anything, I am living out my choices. 2) Keeping score is just not fair. Really. It is okay to say, “I am overwhelmed with the household responsibilities,” but it’s just not a good idea to keep tally of who did what in your head. One good reason: you will never let yourself off the hook, you’ll feel guilty whenever you’re not “pulling your weight” and sometimes you will not be able to put in as much as he does. 3) Often the husband is willing to help, but he needs to know what you need help with - this means ask, don’t nag - and he won’t do everything on your timetable or to your standards. And 4) sometimes you just have to let things go. I have adjusted my standards of what I want my house to look like, because both of us work full-time and we have a child. I do the bare minimum to keep us fed and clothed, and I refuse to wear myself out or go crazy trying to keep a perfect home. Hopefully those things are helpful - they’ve been revelations to me.

Thanks, Smoochagator, for your honesty—your advice is well worth taking. 

A friend just introduced me to Alice von Hildebrand’s book “By Love Refined” (Sophia Institute Press), a compilation of her letters to a newly married friend, and I’ve found it to be wonderful.  For example, she tells of a friend who asked his wife to put the cap on the toothpaste, but the wife laughed at him for being persnickity, would never do it, and the husband eventually became resigned.  von Hildebrand compared that behavior to her own husband, who when she asked him to empty the soap dish because she didn’t like the gooey mess, not only kept the dish free of water, but dried the soap off so she couldn’t tell whether it had been used or not! von Hildebrand writes, “My husband was a great lover.  And because he was one, he managed to relate the smallest things to love and was willing to please his beloved in all legitimate things.  This characteristic is typical of great love.” 

One more quote: “You and Michael now have in your hands the power to create an earthly heaven or hell. It’s no secret that marriage can quickly become a hell for spouses.  But remember that humanly speaking, a great love between husband and wife can also be the deepest source of happiness this side of heaven.”

Great book, very inspiring.

Very yes on #6.  I wish I could go back and tell newlywed me it would be okay.

On #7, I don’t know.  My girlfriends and I have this thing going where we complain about our husbands—not serious things, but dumb man stuff like leaving his socks around the house—and the other ones all say, “Oh, mine does that too!  Guess it’s just a man thing!”  It’s really comforting to hear that the thing that’s annoying you has been annoying wives since the dawn of time.  And then with personality stuff, the girls always help each other see the bright side of the annoying stuff.  “Sure he’s a real stickler about details, but you guys are never late, so it must be good for something.”  That sort of thing.  Of course there’s a difference between commiserating and bashing ... but I think you can strike the balance.  It really helps keep me from whining and nagging with my husband if I’ve gotten a chance to get the gripes out of that never-taken-out trash out of my system before he gets home.

“The Holy Spirit sometimes appears unable to distinguish between two married people, and may react as if you’re praying together”
Really? I am having a hard time buying that one. Since when can all powerful God be confused? All the rest of it was great and a good reminder to be patient in a marriage.

Thank you for your witnessing.

“I am having a hard time buying that one. Since when can all powerful God be confused?”

I don’t think Simcha meant that the Holy Spirit is literally confused or befuddled. What she means is that because a husband and wife are “one flesh”, or one person, in the sight of God, if one spouse prays, the Holy Spirit will respond as if BOTH are praying.

3 made me laugh!
1, 5, and 10 were things I needed to hear as a Newlywed!! and 7 ...I’ve always moved away from circles/people that do that. It’s just terrible.

Thank You so much. I really needed to see this.

I second “By Love Refined”!  It does have some gems in there!

Confused- yes, Simcha was illustrating a point, not being literal.  Those lines are the gems in her pieces.

I have to admit, having a more Jewish view, my girlfriend mentioned this website. It is amazing with advice and knowledge. I am learning more about the catholic faith, but we have been struggling and this is here actually helped me a lot. Thanks for the information.

This is wonderful.

I’m going to try to find a copy of By Love Refined. It sounds excellent.

SteveG - Respectfully disagree w just about everything you said. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes till you call advice “terrible”. Worked out all right for me, and saved me from total despair. I wouldn’t have written it out if I didn’t think it could help someone. And by the way, fella, you can’t always change a tiger’s stripes, much as you think you can “demand” it.
People do what they can to get by. Lots of good advice all around here reg marriage. Hopefully some will help everyone, no matter what situation they are in.

Anon:
I had a big long response written up trying to clarify what I was saying, but I decided against it.  I don’t want to cause any hurt regarding something that is so deeply personal to you. 

I will simply say with all sincerity that I am beyond thrilled that it did work out for you and pray God’s blessing on your marriage.

God Bless

Catching up on newer comments - to Michael Gorman, YES YES YES. I think too many husbands and wives (and friends and family members, etc.) take things personally that were NEVER meant to be taken that way, and the housework issue is the perfect example. My husband would often say that he just didn’t notice that things needed to be done around the house. This would exasperate me, and sometimes I just did not believe him. Who could miss all those dirty dishes??? But because those things don’t bother him, it never occurred to him that they bothered me. As he’s learned how important certain household chores are to me, he’s begun noticing that they need to be done, and then doing them. And, as I said above, I’ve also learned to let certain things go. Being exhausted and resentful was just stupid, especially since I could adjust my expectations a bit (it’s okay if there are dishes in the sink and laundry waiting to be folded - we’ll get to it eventually!) and enjoy more free time and less marital strife. I would like to have a pristine home and a from-scratch meal on the table every evening at 6, but I value my marriage and sanity more.

@SteveG, I have to say that I think it was wrong of you make some of the statements you made, especially “Just demand it.”  There are many cases where that advice is VERY BAD.  I think in some relationships a certain level of “detachment” in the spiritual sense is very helpful.  Only God can truly fill our need for love, and I believe that he teaches us that lesson in many ways, sometimes in relationships that are less than what we want them to be, so that we turn to Him, put Him first.  Just as there can be a “dark night of the soul”  there can be a “dark night of the marriage”.  The vocation of marriage is a path to sanctification, not necessarily earthly happiness. 
@Simcha, excellent list.

It’s not that I disagree with this list.  These all seem like good things, but they just don’t resonate with me as I remember back to my newlywed self - maybe because we were relatively old when we married - I was 30 and my husband was 35.    The two pieces of marriage advice that have stuck with me all these years later are “Don’t forget you’re always on the same team.”  And “hold hands or touch when you’re disagreeing.” 

Also, that spend less than you earn advice one of the posters suggested sounds solid and now that we’re established we certainly live it, but in the early days of student loans and surprise babies, spending more than we earned allowed us to eat and heat our home.  I can’t say we have any regrets for living on credit for a couple of years.

@Maria,
I have a difficult time imaging any marital situation in which it is ‘wrong’ to demand the basic respect and dignity due any Christian husband or wife.  Can you give me even one case where it is bad advice?

No matter what perspective you look at it from the advice to demand it is right.  From the point of the disrespected spouse for obvious reasons, to the point of view of the disrespecting spouse who is basically in a state near constant sin as they disrespect the sacrament, to the point of view of the children in such a situation who see one spouse treating the other in such a way as a model for their own future relationships.

This seems true to me whether you speak of ‘soft’ disrespect, all the way to domestic violence.  It is the demand for respect that causes a spouse to separate (note I didn’t say divorce) from a spouse who is beating on them.  It’s the same demand for respect that agitates for counseling (or whatever might be needed) when the disrespect is emotional, verbal or simply taking advantage of.

And let me say that I do speak from some experience.  I grew up in a family where the father/husband was ALLOWED to verbally, physically and emotionally abuse everyone involved.  I grew up with him and my step mother, and while I’ve come to terms with most of it, one of the lingering resentments I have towards my step mother (who is a wonderfully humble and kind person by all accounts), is that she never stood up for herself, or for any of us kids.  As an adult I look back and ask ‘How could she have allowed him to have treated her and us that way?’

Demanding more for him by booting his ass out of the house, or calling the cops, or any other number of things that could have been done would have been difficult, but I think in the end would have been the right thing to do, and would have set an example for all of us that a husband and a wife simply don’t treat each other in such a way.

The ironic thing is that all of us where so scared to stand up for ourselves that he constantly made our lives a misery.  He’d managed to alienate 5 children, divorced one wife, and made the other miserable.

Finally, in his mid 20’s, my younger brother had had enough and beat the crap out of his own father during one of his abuse sessions.  Let me assure you he hasn’t laid a finger on him since, and I couldn’t be prouder of my brother.  Sometimes THAT is what demanding respect looks like.  Sometimes it means *demanding* counseling.  Always it means standing up for yourself when someone is mistreating you within marriage.

Finally, who said anything about it being a path to earthly happiness?  I have been married 16 years, and know of the struggles and darkness you refer too.  Whether it leads to happiness or not doesn’t bear on whether we deserve to be treated with dignity within marriage.  There two separate issues.

We celebrated 10 years of marriage this year, and this list is just right!  May I add a 7 1/2?  Make sure you have a friend who will listen to your small gripes or eye rolls about your husband, but who will ALWAYS point you back to his good points.  Sometimes we have frustrating days, sometimes he (and we!) do annoying things that are not worth picking a fight over, but they are annoying none the less.  My friend and I are able to air that complaint to each other, laugh a little, often at ourselves for getting annoyed, then move on with our lives.  If anyone delves into the realm of husband-bashing, the other woman quickly points out all the good in the marriage.  It is good to hear your husbands good points coming from another person, reminds you of the good man you married, even if you are frustrated at the time.

@anon:  I understand where you are coming from.  If you feel anything like I do, that decision to disengage was not an easy one.  Keep praying, and I will, too.
@SteveG:  I totally understand where Anon is coming from in her advice to withdraw emotionally from her spouse.  Unfortunately, I find myself in that exact situation.  You are right in your statement that demanding respect is never wrong. . . however, demanding it does not mean you are going to get it.  Sometimes, for preservation of your own mental well-being, you have to step back and not engage.  That does not mean that I will allow my spouse to verbally or emotionally abuse me in front of my children nor will I EVER allow him to mentally or emotionally abuse my children.  When your attempts to let your spouse know how certain things he says or does affect you are usually met with derision or condescension, you stop trying.  I have found myself pulling away emotionally from my spouse, and no emotional intimacy will certainly lead to no physical intimacy.  I pray daily and look for resolution to this situation.  I plan on another attempt at a serious conversation with him tonight (I haven’t completely given up yet).

I can add something to the perception that most household and child-rearing burdens fall disproportionately on the wife.  Most likely you need to look at it from a different angle.  The young, stay-at-home mom with 2 kids under 3 may feel grumpy that SHE changes all the diapers, SHE gets up in the middle of the night, SHE cooks and cleans all day, but in 99% of those situations, SHE has much more freedom than he does.  HE must get up at 6am, HE must sit in traffic, HE must be at work on time to attend meetings he didn’t schedule to do work assigned to him with little consideration, while mom can sleep in a little, take naps with kids, eat off paper plates if she forgot to run the dishwasher, pull unfolded clothes out of the dryer and put them right on Johnny, and put off vacuuming because she’s just plain tired.  Yes, it doesn’t always work that way, and a working couple with no kids should be more equal, but my point is the wife/mother trapped at home often needs to appreciate how much freedom she really has.  And he needs to appreciate how much a woman gives up of her previous life to be the mother, and it’s not an easy transition.  A little bit of empathy on BOTH sides goes a long way.

And I say this as a mom of 5 whose military husband has been around less than 30 days in the last 18 months.  I DO get tired of doing everything, but it’s much easier to bear when I realize my life is a cakewalk compared to his.

Excellent list. I’d add - don’t compare your marriage to other people’s, and don’t feel like you need to be the Poster Child for domestic bliss.

With regard to no 10, I remember a classic quote: A woman marries a man expecting to change him; a man marries a woman expecting her to always stay the same.

Erin, if I was a stay-at-home mother I wouldn’t have nearly as much trouble with the fact that most of the childrearing and housekeeping tasks fall on me. But I’m not. I work 40 hours a week and bring home half the household income. That’s why this is such a bone of contention in my marriage - my husband admits that he expects to come home from work and do NOTHING. Everything at home is “women’s work,” whether the woman is home all day or not. He’s getting better about adjusting his attitude in this regard, but it’s been a long, hard, bitter road for us.

Goodness . . .sounds like somebody’s honeymoon didn’t last very long!  We kept asking each other, “When will it be time for me/you to have to go home?”  It was a giddy moment on I-35S when we realized that we were actually on a “vacation” together and that we’d be spending the time caving and waterpark-visiting and antiquing TOGETHER.

My only comment on this list is . . . “the FIRST meal you cooked was inedible?”  Wow . . . you came from a very wealthy family with a cook! (*GRIN*)  NO, really!  The first time I cooked a complete meal for the family, I was eleven years old, yes, ELEVEN, and the microwave was still really a novelty.  My dad was in the hospital and Mama went to sit with him in the evenings, and so my grandmother and I and whoever happened not to have a Scout meeting or whatnot would cook together.  Grandmother was on the phone when it came time to think about dinner one evening, so I just made hamburger patties as I always had, and added instant mashed potatoes and a cold pea salad and so forth.  Dinner!  Casseroles are also something that you can start learning how to put together around that age.  If you have children, PLEASE, male OR female, teach them to make simple food and put a dinner or lunch together before they turn sixteen or go to college!  It is inconcievable to let someone go out into the adult world and still be an “I can’t cook anything” fifties-bride stereotype.  New recipes can turn out disastrously, of course, but the first meal you cook for yourselves as a couple should be something you know how to fix and have been fixing.

@Shalanna:  who said I was a newlywed when I cooked my first meal?  I think I was around 10, then worked in restaurants as a teenager, and paid off part of my college tuition working in the kitchen.  I’m just saying that newlyweds are amateurs in general.  You’re right that kids ought to be taught to cook, though.

.

Heading into fourteen years of marriage, I would say my husband and I are now in our third consecutive year of feeling honeymoonish.  I think I’m enjoying it more now than I would have as an actual newlywed.

I love this list.  I’ve been married for 11 years and I have to say that “family traditions” is still an issue for holiday times.  Not so much for my husband and I but for our families.  We have 3 wonderful children, we say it’s time for holidays at home.  Some of the comments I’ve been reading strike an off chord with me.  In marriage, it should be 100/100 in every way that each spouse can give.  As far as house work is concerned, there is NO WAY that you can keep your home perfectly clean all of the time, NONE.  You can keep it to a mild clutter.  Let’s face it, the only way your home is going to be 100% cleaned and organized is when you’re moving out or when your retired and have time to get it where you want it.  We have children, children make messes; both my husband and I are tired at the end of the day, and as long as we can walk through the house, and the kitchen doesn’t need a biohazard sign we’re doing alright.

I am grateful that the Familiaris Consortio study that I lead provided training for the facilitators.  It is so important for wives to be formed to speak positively about their husbands, but, unfortunately, rare.  In training I learned this and learned tips to turn the conversation and form the other women.  I hope more women can become positive role models for others instead of run the other way.

Re ‘wife does all the work:’ We just celebrated our 28th anniversary. We enjoy the difference of our sexes and skills; my husband works very hard outside the home, and I ‘keep the home fires burning.’ This division of labor has worked beautifully. I cook, he washes dishes after dinner, and of course he takes out the trash and does the other heavy ‘man jobs’ around. I could care less that he doesn’t wash clothes, clean the house, do equal this and that; I am happy to do those things so that our home is a welcoming, peaceful retreat. We homeschooled, now I work outside the home, but not 40 hour weeks.

We’ve been graced together 47 years last Monday. Our secret for the sticking together the first three decades: Whoever leaves has to take the kids.

wonderful . . .on target, as all truth is!
  I love Number 3 . . .“The Holy Spirit treats a couple as one” to paraphrase.  I KNOW it to be true. ..

Bravo and well done!  My husband and I are on the Marriage Prep Team at our parish - I am printing this out for this year’s classes. 

www.postabortionwalk.blogspot.com

Lovely article- I would suggest that husbands and wives share this together, as it goes both ways. If my husband and I would have had something like this to read when we married 16 years ago, it would have averted a lot of stress and argument… we are a lot older and wiser through God’s grace, but reading through this, I smile and think of how much it would have helped way back then, and how much it applies to us now. God Bless you~

As an author on Fatherhood for the examiner, I find that this adequately reflects how many men feel. Unfortunately, men do not spend as much time working on their relationships as they do working on their cars or watching the games. Thank you for a well written post. I argue that this will prevent stress and arguments, but i will say that if you APPLY what you’ve read, it will make the world of a difference.

I really really like the theme on your site, I run a web internet site , and i would adore to use this theme. Is it a no cost style, or is it custom?
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