In my daily wanderings, I pass through the center of a college town at least four times. Morning, noon, and night, the main street is a parade of pretty girls in pretty clothes, and I have to stop the van constantly to let them flutter across the street. It's like one of those safari theme parks: safely behind tempered glass, I get a close-up view of creatures who are very, very unlike myself.
They do look lovely, you understand: silky, burnished hair parted impossibly far to the side (how do they do that?), flouncy floral dresses with a heart-stopping combination of girlish innocence and womanly allure, and miraculously sculpted torsos, exquisitely poured into skin-tight tube tops and framed with tiny, delicate shrugs. They look gorgeous, picture perfect, ready for their close-up.
As long as they're standing still.
But as soon as they have to walk, it's a different story. Suddenly the sweet, polished poise is gone, and these perfectly oiled machines of loveliness turn into bundles of contorted tics and grimaces, as they tug up a slipping bodice, shove down a billowing skirt, and yank back an intricately knotted silk scarf that keeps sliding around backwards in the breeze. Only yesterday, these same girls were in danger of snapping their ankles like over-doped racehorses as they tried to navigate their way over icy sidewalks on four-inch spiked heeled leopardskin boots. Now it's spring, and they've traded their mincing and tottering for slithering and schlumping, toes clamped like vice grips onto the whimsical flip flops that are so airy and carefree, they don't even stay on the foot without ferocious concentration.
What's my point, other than "HA-ha?" Well, I just realized that I constantly do what these girls do -- just not with literal clothing. This is what made us homeschool for a good year longer than we probably should have: I wanted so badly to wear that outfit called "HOMESCHOOLING FAMILY" because it looked so pretty to me. But every time I tried to walk around in it, something slipped, something shifted in a way it shouldn't have done. Things that should have been covered were not covered. It was an outfit that used to fit, but we grew out of it. But I went on wearing it anyway -- carefully ignoring the fact that, that final year, I spent most of my time trying to preserve the appearance of homeschooling, and very little time actually teaching the kids.
Or there were the years I liked to step out in a cute little number called "GOOD FAMILIES DON'T NEED HELP." This particular ensemble doesn't look good on anyonr, but there are plenty of people who wear it. It comes equipped with a broad brimmed hat, which makes you feel strong and mysterious, but which prevents you from seeing what's right in front of you -- for instance, your family, which might desperately need help from a therapist, a priest, a confidant, or even the occasional babysitter. This is an outfit you can walk around in, but you should not.
Or maybe you just want to go to Mass, and you just want to wear the outfit you bought at the GOOD PARENTS HAVE QUIET CHILDREN Boutique. You love that store. Everything they sell has a timeless elegance. So you, the good parent, put that outfit on, and right on cue, your children go berserk. They shriek, they drool, they whip each other with rosaries, they try to tackle the priest during elevation. How could this happen to you, when you try so hard to be a good parent? Must you really wear GOOD PARENTS RAISE GOOD KIDS WHO SOMETIMES INEXPLICABLY ACT LIKE RABID LEMURS? No, no -- that outfit is so gauche, so bourgeois. You'd never wear something like that around. People who wear that number just aren't trying hard enough. So you put it on, and try desperately to ignore how badly it fits.
So. Clothes should be attractive and appealing, they should add graciousness to the world, or at very least they shouldn't make the world uglier. But when it comes down to it, functionality really counts. The same is true for, for want of a better word, lifestyles. Some "outfits" really are good for every occasion, and never go out of style, and they ought to be worn whether they suit your mood or not -- outfits like BE FAITHFUL TO YOUR SPOUSE or PRAY EVERY DAY or NO KICKING KITTENS.
But there are so many others that only look good in front of the mirror. Things like, "POOR PEOPLE ONLY HAVE THEMSELVES TO BLAME," for instance, or "A MOTHER'S WORTH IS MEASURED BY HOW MANY YEARS SHE BREASTFEEDS" or "BIGGER FAMILIES ARE HOLIER FAMILIES" or "SMALLER FAMLIES ARE MORE RESPONSIBLE FAMLIES." Once you try to walk around in them -- once you actually try to live your life, try to actually get somewhere -- you may discover that you need to zip home and make some changes before venturing out again.
So next time you try on an idea that looks just great, ask yourself: Can I walk around in it?
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Thank you. This is what I needed to hear today.
As a mother who dealt with a screaming toddler an entire hour during Mass this past Thursday, thank you. Luckily people around me were very nice. Well there was the one lady who suggested we go hang out in the confessional but I think she thought she was being helpful. Lesson learned - never take said child to Mass during nap time. Bad bad idea.
Oh, the rabid lemurs. I’ve had those things in my pew too. Excellent post, Simcha—and very timely indeed.
I tried wearing the I’M A STAY-AT-HOME MOM SO MY CHILDREN WILL BE PERFECTLY ADJUSTED shirt for a long time, then the rug was pulled out from under me. Now I try to wear the shirt that says I’M TRYING, LORD, I’M TRYING as often as I can.
Wow. Exceptionally wise and beautifully written.
But why was my mom so good at walking in spiky heels, and I’m in my flat sandals?
Nice writing on your descript of the college girls.
That’s the good thing about having kids: they tend to yank those ill-fitting outfits right off your body. I used to wear a dandy little number called “Parent With Total Control of Her Children.” I miss it.
I think comfort in one’s own shoes comes naturally with age. There comes a time in most people’s lives when they really, truly no longer give a rat’s behind what the rest of the world thinks of them. And that’s a good thing, because right around that time you stop caring what the world thinks you start noticing that some of those really ugly old lady shoes and sneaks are the most comfortable for your own particular feet.
At work sick wearing, the I’D RATHER INFECT MY COWORKERS THAN MY CHILDREN getup, not so sure how that fits in the dress code.
Loved this! Very insightful. Just what I needed this morning to start my day.
Ah, Simcha. I love this, and experienced something similar as a SAHM. We got loads of compliments on our “perfect family” and my decision to “put the kids first,” but at home, everyone was actually pretty miserable.
I’m back at work now, the kids are happy in school, and our family life and marriage (while more logistically complicated) are joyful, peaceful, and often, a complete blast. The compliments have stopped, but that’s a small price to pay for an outfit that “fits”. Thanks for your column!
I struggle with vanity. A LOT. What comes first in my mind is always “how will other people think of me?” Well, they’d better think I’m tidy and loving and got it all together, so “dang it all, will you please stop crying to be held when I’m trying to clean up for company?!” Because, really, I just need to BE more loving and responsible, rather than trying to “wear” what I think others think looks loving and responsible. Ugh; rough work.
Thanks for this post! It really gets to the heart.
Love it! Brilliant as usual.
Well, I am considering how to go about separating from my husband, whom I love dearly but whose anxiety leads to verbal abuse that I can no longer tolerate. What outfit to wear now?
I confess that, in addition to the incredibly awful reservations about what will happen to my family and whether I am living my vocation, I also think *at least as much* about what my Catholic friends will think and say about me. It’s horrible. Can’t I burn those outfits?
A Wife, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I know it’s hard to resist the temptation to worry about what other people think, but the truth is that if they’re really your friends, they know you well enough to know that you have a valid reason for separating from your husband, and that it’s not just for something frivolous.
This is really really good Simcha. I, for one, think you wear it well.
I’m a guy so please forgive me if I am misinterpreting the symbolism and metaphors.
So you’re saying that homeschooling is not for everyone?
I’ve got a nice tie that goes with my GOOD PARENTS HAVE QUIET CHILDREN sport coat. But, I only get to wear it if I leave our youngest in the nursery during Mass.
@Tito - Hmm . . . I know that you and I don’t have a very good track record of understanding each other! My apologies if you’re teasing me and I’m not getting it. I’ll just say what I learned from Danielle Bean: being a good parent means doing what’s best for your particular family. For some families, this means homeschooling. For some families, this means other kinds of schooling. For some families, this means doing one for a while, and then switching to the other when circumstances change. So no, I don’t think homeschooling is for everyone.
I like really like thought your like article was like really to the point. It made me like think of how like we are like so like crammed into like material fashion that we like forget about all the like reeeeely reeeely important things like ( i mean such as) being living icons of virtue. (ooops, I forgot to say like)
Maybe you could write an article linking virtue and diction. I would reeeely, reeely like that.
Seriously, very keen insight! Having home schooled three we like totally identify with the challenges and often the hypocrisy.
Question: Can denim skirts ever be sexy?
Smile! I love reading your lead-ins while I say to myself, “Oooooh! Where’s she going with this? Where’s she going?? Can’t wait!” and then I love the unfolding. Love the analogy here. And funny as usual.
PS. I should maybe warn you that I cited you as one of my favorite blogs in an article I wrote for our local Patch news site. If you get any new trolls, I’m sorry! What I really hope is that more people get to experience your blog! Call it “sneaky evangelization…” :)
Another beautifully written slice of truth. Brilliant.
Simcha,
Thanks!
I was teasing (mocking) myself. I am the typical naive man that unless it’s spelled out then I don’t get it.
I agree, homeschooling is not for everyone. There are so many variables involved in raising children, there is no clear panacea for what’s best for the children.
:)
@Tito: okay, good! Because homeschooling makes me want to kick kittens.
Thanks! As a single person who has no idea what my future holds but thinks about it a lot, it is good to be reminded that no life-style fits all. I get frustrated with a lot of articles that make stay-at-home moms, breastfeeding, or homeschooling look like the only option for a faithful Catholic.
I often tell young married friends with children, the goal is not fitting a particular mold of what you think holiness is, it is about asking God what he wants from you in this moment of your life. Obviously for married folks, your spouse and children are part of the equation, but the answer is different for everyone.
It’s a gift that you have, Simcha, to write a blog post that speaks to so many people in so many ways, wow.
Also—the outfit-wearing, spot on! I see this so often every Sunday as I greet our parishioners as they move through the vestibule and into the nave (I greet everyone and open the door for them). Over the years, I’ve gotten to ‘know’ these folks fairly well because there is the ‘outfit’ and then there is sometimes an opposite vibe I get from their children whom I teach a few minutes later during Children’s Liturgy. It gives me much food for thought and allows me the opportunity to keep many in prayer who struggle in so many ways—especially those, like myself, who used to obsessively worry about ‘measuring up’ to the church folks.
Love the rabid lemurs comparison. We’ve had people tell us they like to sit behind us at church just for the entertainment value. Just last week, the 3 year old girl decided to say, over and over, in a progressively louder voice, “I LOVE TO FART!” Good grief. Thanks, Simcha, for another good post.
Perfect!
I’m wearing my “This must really suck compared to heaven” t-shirt today. It’s probably a bit too low cut, but it sort of thrilled my husband before he dove into an office that would make the unsaintly insane with boredom. My weekend high heels are like two perfectly matched hair shirts, which must only be paired with candlelight. My scandalous *pants* have a history of making some say “tsk”,especially if I had to bend over to scoop a kid up, who actually made it to the altar. None of my outfits would be approved by the readers of Jezebel or Cosmo, nor would they be given an imprimatur by the local homeschooling group. In fact it wouldn’t matter how cute the outfit was, if half the population of the elementary school, the church, and most of the trophy wives on the beach look at the wearer like she has a horn growing out of the center of her forehead: “You. have. EIGHT. KIDS????”, “Don’t you know what causes THAT???” But I do think my husband might get one of my low cut, formerly-easy-access, t-shirts bronzed… not because my adventures in breastfeedy land should earn me worth, or a medal (or magazine cover), but because those recently retired monuments not only kept some bratty howler monkeys with their mouths so full they couldn’t scream,(or forgot why) but helped us dodge the NFP BULLET. Thank you God. I’m a weird hybrid, no matter WHAT I wear.
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(sigh) @wife—God Bless you. Who cares what they say?—It’s between you and God—but I hope His grace can work a miracle.
In our considersations of how to raise our kids we also have to remember that sometimes(or actually often) doing God’s will chafes against a person’s nature and desires. Having something feel hard or uncomfortable doesn’t necessarily mean that it isn’t God’s will. It could mean that we have some personal sacrifices to make and some work to do on ourselves (Hey, I don’t like doing 8 loads of laundry in my free time…but whether I am cheerful about it or miserable is a decision I make for the glory of God or myself). Past generations understood the power and need for personal sacrifices better that we do now. To continue the clothing analogy,just take a look at the habits of past religious…they weren’t designed for comfort..but to help a person realise that serving God is sometimes uncomfortable. We need to be careful in this culture that our guiding principle isn’t what “feels” right..but what is right.
I think I’m going to start trying on a new outfit: AT LEAST I SHOWED UP. I think this works for Mass, work, and even getting out of bed in the morning. ...It’s all about the expectations, baby—set yours low enough and your guaranteed not to fail! ;-)
Love this post!
okay, Thank you again for another great read. serious question. how do you know when the clothes aren’t fitting? This is a homeschool question. I love it in theory. But this last year we made a major move, have not found a new network for the kids. They still LOVE homeschooling…possibly for the wrong reasons of the day unfolding so leisurely. I’m a bit of a clothing disaster. Do I give myself time to readjust the dress so it fits better? The kids are happy, (i already have all the books) Or do i “give up the dress” because I don’t *feel* happy wearing it? When do you know it’t time to throw in the towel?
signed
pants are starting to look better every day
@just me: yes, I fully agree with you (although some people have the opposite problem: suspecting that God’s will for them is whatever makes them the most miserable, and that’s just as bad an error). My point wasn’t that we should “dress” to make ourselves comfortable, but to make ourselves able to achieve things. So, a policeman’s bulletproof vest or, I don’t know, a paratrooper’s harness may not be comfortable, but it may be what he needs to put on in order to do his job. For us, making the change to the classroom felt HORRIBLE for many months, and I still find myself longing for many aspects of our homeschooling life. But I kept reminding myself that our goal was not to be a homeschooling family; our goal was to give our kids the best educational experience we could.
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@Rebel, that’s a really good question - maybe fodder for a whole separate post. Sometimes choosing between different good choices is the hardest choice to feel confident about. For me, the eureka moment was realizing that there is no perfect educational system that will provide everything you want for your child and for your family life. There are flaws, drawbacks, gaps, and problems with every system. So maybe it would help, rather than weighing the pros of each choice, to weigh the cons, and figure out which ones would be less tolerable!
Simca, thank you for many laughs - some yours, some your admirers on the post. I read some of them aloud to my BW of nearly 57 years - Memories of frustration at Sunday Mass when our five kids were small and the Dieringer family with their ten (teen-age down to preschool) would sit in the front pew and behave perfectly and quietly (as far as we could tell). Years later, someone explained to me “Well, of course they behaved! They could see everything that was going on on the altar!”
Have a good week trying on different outfits.
TeaPot562
This is good, Mrs. Fisher, as usual. You can get away with it because you’ve already established your cred as valuing the ideas you’re criticizing.
I had this idea about how you and your family should live your lives. Of course, you want to hear it. Just kidding. I make bold to post this idea because it is easily ignored: Go back to homeschooling and teach your children how to paint. Have them paint like that fabulously wealthy Christian painter who recently died. If you want, you can let them put the corpse of a dead elf having its eyes pecked out by ravens off in the corner or choose a weeping unicorn theme. Further, I you have them use the method known as camera obscura, as I believe it is the easiest painting method. Sell their paintings on one of those web-sites that sells stuff like that. Etc. Line for line, I don’t know if there is anything funnier than Oscar Wilde’s, The Importance of Being Earnest. I thought Good as Gold by Joseph Heller was funnier than Catch-22. Happily, I read it about 20 years ago so I can’t recall if it is appropriate or not.
Weigh the cons instead of the pros. Brilliant. Of course. I guess that, and the reminder that you don’t have to wear the dress, or pants FOREVER. See how it fits, then change back into something more “comfortable” excuse me, something that helps you acheive your end goals better if need be.
Watching all sorts of friends and family make choices about schooling (not to mention my own family)...the answer is best found when one does consider the sacifices involves rather than just the benefits. It helps to clarify your motivation.
ie. Homeschooling…don’t do it if you are looking for a system with a easier schedule and less educational hoops to jump. Do it to help your kids learn truth and be willing to sacrifice your whole day, frankly, and lifestyle.
Catholic school…don’t do it so you can have the religious education “covered” by the school and NOT by you. Do it because you want to have your kids taught in a Catholic environment and you are willing to sacrifice the money and time to devote to the school(needed to keep the school Catholic sometimes)
Public school..don’t do it to free up your time and pull in an extra income…do it because you honestly can’t teach or are financially unable..but are willing to sacrifice loads of time in the practice of the faith so your kids REALLY know what is important in life.
To many times I have seen people make there choices because of the easier reason instead of the right one..
@just me Thank you. I think you lay this decision making process out very clearly. And I believe none of us making these very hard decisions do them lightly. I know Smicha’s original intent was not to make this thread about homeschooling per se so I hope i’m not hijacking by continuing this discussion.
Just last night I was on my knees about this, I had to admit quite frankly that part of the problem was my “me"ness. I realized that some of the educational problems I am experencing were coming about because I am “too soft” with teary eyed kids who think the work is too hard or too much. Many of the problems however, are logistical….special diets, cooking everything from scratch…9 month old in arms, needy 4 year old and 3 olders who are 9 and under…. throw in an across continent move 6 months ago and well, my clothing style is more akin to harried hag wearing rags…..I’m not even sure HOW to make a dress (or pants) out of these right now….. I hope Summer will bring some reprieve and much needed thread…..
>> NO KICKING KITTENS. <<
Does that mean adult cats are fair game?
We have home schooled for over twelve years and I had been so good at keeping things on a schedule until life happened. Two of our parents moved in with us during a two year serious illness, we had a major employee who quit so I had to go back to work. Needless to say school got put on the back burner for a long while. Our youngest is now fifteen and pretty much unschools. It’s taken a long time to get comfortable with it but I’m so thankful for the relationship we still have and I love the young man I see he’s becoming. So there are other options than just the three listed above. It has worked very well for us.
I know I wore the “HOMESCHOOLING IS FOR EVERYBODY"shirt quite a bit early on due to my naive enthusiasm, and even tried to sell it to every young mom I met. However, after meeting several families with whom homeschooling was NOT working, I learned to change into the “Homeschooling Isn’t For Everybody AND THAT’S OKAY” shirt.
Great post Simcha.
@anna lisa and Claire, thanks for your thoughts and I appreciate the prayers.
I *am* hoping for a miracle. I have been praying for the help of St. Rita of Cascia, on the recommendation of a friend. Her feast day is today,
eight days after I started my prayers.
This is obviously way more serious than the intent of the post, but I wanted to say that, due to my personality and my upbringing in a home that was as full of sporadic angry wall-punching and unspoken disapproval as it was love and religion, I sometimes don’t know how to tell which “outfit” is the right one to put on. I have always wanted to be authentically *me* but now after years of denying this problem in my marriage was even this bad (helped along with other false sets of clothing), it occurs to me now that I don’t even know how to trust myself to act or choose well.
I do know that there is a part of me that wants to put on a “long-suffering, quietly praying for husband” mantle. But I can’t figure out why. Is it the Lord calling me to sainthood? Satan calling me to a false & destructive martyrdom? Immature flights of fancy cloaked in the religious longing of a little girl?
Simcha, I guess what I am saying is so much, yes, to your point here. I feel I am at the limits, right now, of how to apply these two elements of the Christian life, eternity and imminence, which I think you are getting at (you are always trying to get at it, seems to me) here.
Im wondering if I can find a “Good Catholic Moms sometimes have kids with severe mental illness” shirt but I cant find it yet.
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@ A wife - it was anxiety or serious self doubt or something in that cluster of problems that lead my H to regularly react in RAGE. He never hit us but he verbally ripped me to shreds in front of the kids on a regular basis. I tried everything EXCEPT making HIM responsible to deal with his own demons. I thought I was doing the right think keeping my family together…read the first line of this post. Its a terrible terrible thing to realize I was wrong to not leave him 20 years ago. He is now recovering but the damage is done.
@ A wife - please know that I will keep you and your situation in my prayers.
@ A wife, count on my prayers…Also asking St. Rita as well. Try to picture your husband at his best moments, with his nicest, kindest smile, and I will keep asking the Holy Spirit to melt his heart into yours.
How I wish I could learn to take myself a little lighter, as you so gently advise. I also wish I’d look good doing it too. And thanks for the pointers about Mass. No more “whipping rosaries”.
Simcha, you’re a genius. Noteworthy in this connection is that wearing clothes at all is a result of original sin.
@A Wife: you don’t say if you have tried counseling, but a good counselor is very helpful when one is done with the GOOD FAMILIES DON’T NEED HELP” outfit Simcha mentioned. Check catholictherapists.com or ask your pastor or friends for a recommendation. A third-party is invaluable when you can’t figure out which “outfits” fit at all. Prayers for you!
A beautiful, beautiful analogy. One that resonates well with me. Thank you.
You’ve drawn a beautiful parallel. Simple and perfect to understand. I think I should wear my HOLY PEOPLE ALWAYS SMILE AND TALK SOFTLY outfit less often ;)
As a “controller,” I wear my “MY WAY OR ELSE” t-shirt a lot. I keep trying to take it off, but…... Thanks, Simcha.
Simcha, heaven is a narrow gate. You must diet in order to pass through it. You cannot be bloated by personal comfort. In this life you must exercise by carrying your cross without complaining every day. So if your dress is tight or your shoes hurt, you offer it up for the greater glory of God. Martyrdom is the heaviest cross of all. We cannot do it ourselves without the Holy Spirit to give us the necessary grace—like Simon of Cerene helped Jesus carry the cross. Hey, if all this isn’t what you signed up for, quit homeschooling. Send your kids to secular schools. Don’t bother to go to mass on Sundays. Instead, wear sweatpants and sit in front of the TV all day.
That Hat Lady: Um, right, because as we all know homeschooling is necessary for salvation.
Simcha, I believe That Hat Lady and Just Me and Debbie have addressed some important considerations that didn’t quite come across in your article. I thank all three for their words of Wisdom. I’d like to add that Mary Hasson once asked, “Are we educating our children for heaven or for harvard? The uni-bomber went to harvard.” Formation is the most important part of their education. God’s grace, God’s will, and God’s blessing upon all!
Great column. I’ve been putting on ‘My Family Will Be Happy If My House is Immaculate at All Times.”. It looks very stupid on me and nobody likes it. Thanks for the reminder.
“GOOD PARENTS RAISE GOOD KIDS WHO SOMETIMES INEXPLICABLY ACT LIKE RABID LEMURS”
I adore you, Simcha. This Reformed Evangelical mother of 3 under 5 tries to never miss a thing you write, and this was especially good!
How about “Good parents raise kids who sometimes drop the F bomb in front of the grandparents!” Yep, worn that one. Great post. The longer I’ve been a parent, the less I take it personally.
Somehow this article made me feel that you were judging each group as you described these outfits, all in the guise of let’s not judge ourselves. It made me sad.
@Maria: Well, yes, I was judging them! I tried to pick ideas which are bad ideas, which should not be “worn” by anyone. This post was not at all about learning not to judge ourselves—it was about learning to pay attention to how well our ideas of ourselves match up with the results we’re actually achieving.
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@homeschoolmom and others: I guess you’re just gonna have to take my word for it that homeschooling is not always the best choice for every family, and it’s not always moms’ fault—it’s not always because she’s not trying hard enough or unwilling to make sacrifices. When we decided, after seven years, to try other forms of schooling, I was fully aware that we’d be trading one kind of hard work and anxiety for another kind, and boy was I right! Using charter schools and public schools was the right choice for our family - but the easy choice? Um, no. The choice was hard and the practice is hard. But I’m seeing the results in my kids, and they are fantastic.
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I’m always a little baffled at the idea that there would be a one-size-fits-all choice for families, when families are so very different. I’m very glad that homeschool is working out so well for you, and I’m delighted that you’ve found a way to ensure that your children do not become terrorists. But not all children are your children; not all households are your households. Not all secular schools are the pit of despair. (And not all Catholic schools, by the way, do a good job of teaching the faith or anything else!) Sheesh.
Simcha, I am convinced that you have been spying on me and my family. Girlfriend, don’t make me get a restraining order.
LOL! (do they still say that?) As a 63 year old Father of seven, my attire must be comfortable and not scare the children.
Bill
OK. Hat Lady needs to climb off that high high horse that she has ascended to. Many ways to form young hearts and minds. This post is not advocating comfort, it is advocating proper discernment, and humility to know when God may be directing us away from something that we actually see the good in, but are failing miserably at to the point that it can take us away from doing the very thing we should be, growing in holiness. Homeschooling is not for every family, I have done it for years with eight of my own, along with parochial and settled on a great classical public charter. Please stop the judgement. Homeschooling is not always what is best for any given family, and every child. It is very good, and I am grateful for those moms who can do it…but some of us do not possess the capability to do it in such a way that would not harm our relationships, not to mention what is left of our sanity. I know God wants me to have good healthy relationships with Him, my husband, and my children, and if homeschooling gets in the way of that, then you need to drop it like a hot potato, trust me. Givin’ a shout out to Simcha. I enjoy my morning coffe with you.
Simcha, do you ever find it amusing that no matter what you write or how you write it, someone always seems to go after you in the combox? Truly, it’s a gift! ;)
But on a serious note, homeschooling (or any other form of schooling) is not required of us to be good Catholics. Or is necessary for salvation. And there is nothing wrong with desiring to attend Harvard, they have fantastic financial aid packages. Which for some families can be the difference between their child attending college and not.
Disclaimer- I am not saying Harvard is for everyone either. Or that one should always make college choices based on tuition. I passed up a free ride to one school in exchange for student loans at another school. In retrospect, I’m not sure the loans were worth it but who knows. I did meet my husband there so maybe it was worth it.
As a Catholic school teacher AND as a homeschooling mom I have seen the reality that even the most well-intentioned, holy-aspiring families have children who seem to be (for now) rejecting heaven. No “public school influence” or worldly friends necessary. Even in my own family all of us sought out friends who needed “saving”, at least half of the reason being our religious upbringing and our ideas about helping people.
Children are not programmable robots; they are human beings with a will and a soul whose true nature is a mystery to everyone save G-d alone. Of course we have to do our best. Trying to figure out “the best” is hard enough. Nobody wins win adults engage in Catholic magical thinking, least of all children.
First let me say I apologize if I came across as being judgemental in my previous post. That was not my intention. I think we all come from different perspectives and that certainly skews our viewpoint, mine included. I did send our oldest son in ninth grade to a private Christian school and it was a horrible experience for him. It was the beginning of his pulling away from our core family beliefs and feeling extreme peer pressure. If I could do it over, I would keep him home longer so he would not have had to face those things at such a tender and young age. Then I’ve been told that at least he was able to face those issues while still at home with us, but I’m still trying to get back that relationship we had of trust and just enjoying our time spent together that was changed due to the negative influences at school.
Not all children will react this way I’m sure since we are all made differently. I do know of friends that have had a wonderful expierence at the very same school so you just never know what is the right thing to do. We can only do what we think is best at the time and pray. Ppray a lot.
The reason we sent him to school was that it had become too hard for me to take care of seriously ill parents and work part time and do a decent job of schooling the both of our children. So we did it. I think ninth grade for boys is a very hard age anyway. They really start to press hard on mom and are tying to become men.
I’m just saying that now looking back, I wish I’d been less interested in him getting a good education than being concerned for his spiritual life. We never anticipated what effect peer pressure and teachers that are supposed to be Catholic but aren’t can have on our children until its too late and we have to try to undo lots of harm done.
Simcha, I love your posts. You have a wonderful gift and I look forward to reading each one. You are in my prayers.
Simcha, you may want to borrow my YOU’RE RIGHT, YOU’RE A BETTER MOM AND CATHOLIC THAN ME - DOES THAT HELP? T-Shirt or my very tattered IT’S A GOOD THING I’M POUNDING OUT MY RESPONSE TO YOUR JUDGEMENT ON A KEYBOARD INSTEAD OF YOUR FACE shirt. I’ll just need that one back. PS - I wore my RAPID LEMUR T-shirt to mass this Sunday, too.
Relax people. Great post. I’m wearing the shirts - and am so glad they aren’t strapless but strong, durable and machine washable.
Thank you, Debbie - your original comment did not come across as “judgemental!” I think it’s always valuable to share our personal experiences, and it’s essential for parents to encourage each other to remember what matters. The point is that there are many roads to that goal, depending on the family or even depending on the individual kid. For many people, home schooling is most certainly the right answer, whether it comes easy or hard. What’s not helpful is the comments that say, “This worked for me; therefore it will work for everyone” (which I understand you were not saying!).
Simcha,
Thank you for responding so gracefully. You are always full of grace and that’s why so many of us are drawn to your posts. I agree wholeheartedly that homeschooling does not work for everyone. I know at first I had a hard time giving up my homeschool mom hat. It had been who I thought I was for years and I didn’t quite know who I was without it, but eventually I figured out I’m just a mom that loves my children and I’m trying to do the best that I can with the help of the Holy Spirits guiding me. I mess up quite often and ask my boys to forgive me and that has been a big help. Also when you have children that don’t fit in very well with the majority of other kids, it seems best to keep them home from all the bullying and hurtful remarks that are made. Just another twist we have experienced with our youngest. He has no desire to ever go to any school but is loving studying at his own pace about the things that interest him. He’s going to China this Summer with a group of teens he has never met and I know this will be a great learning experience for him. There are so many ways to educate our children this is just one of many.
Again, thank you for your kindness and keep up the good work. We love you!
Corita, I just want to say I think your comment is a very important one in this discussion about discernment (“Children are not programmable robots; they are human beings with a will and a soul whose true nature is a mystery to everyone save G-d alone.”) I fear for families who believe that doing everything “right” will guarantee their children’s salvation or protection.
I agree with Gina and Corita. Of course we should try to discern the best approach to raising our kids (and that is going to vary from family to family), but if we see it as a guarantee, we’re indulging in a delusion of control.
I take back my comment. (said sheepishly).
“BIGGER FAMILIES ARE HOLIER FAMILIES” or “SMALLER FAMILIES ARE MORE RESPONSIBLE FAMILIES.”
I (a single, no kids yet) still get tired of hearing any of the above comments, in particular these two.
Bigger families are not “holier”—the holiest family of all had only one child: Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
And while I would argue that they were more responsible than the rest of us, it does not follow that all small families are.
I’m still reeling after having my “HOMESCHOOLING WILL CREATE TEENS WITHOUT REBELLION AND WHO WILL REMAIN TRUE TO THE CATHOLIC FAITH” mumu being ripped off.
@Corita, Yup. My kids told me some pretty hair raising tales about kids from all kinds of nice Catholic families doing some pretty crazy/odd/interesting things when away at college for the first time. Some of the stories included them. Some of the stories made me want to hold my face in my hands, remembering a more simple day when they were lisping their heartfelt prayers to God. When my son (the genius one) told me after his first communion last Sunday that he wants to become an engineer AND a priest, I thought to myself…“Quick! Hide him! Oh, if only I could keep him away from the whole world…” Then I remembered that diamonds are created from coal, under high pressure, that people are works in progress like King David, and that even God didn’t preserve us from temptation and sin for a reason. He’s a *perfect Father* who loves imperfect children. It’s a bit hair raising, isn’t it?
Kristine, why do you want to take back your comment? Personally, I loved it!
Simcha,
I’m not certain where anyone said all homeschools are “tada”, all Catholic schools are “tada”, etc. I don’t recall anyone stating that EVERY family MUST homeschool…some even mentioned in an absurd way about it being necessary for salvation? Oh, my. That wasn’t the point that I read in the comments I was supporting…I believe they were mostly sharing about discernment for families (one more strongly than the other). When I reread your article, it sounds flippant about homeschooling and facetious about good parents, wild children, breastfeeding years, etc. I’m sorry you feel you wore your “homeschooling fake” t-shirt a year long when it no longer fit.
Our homeschooling experience was a wild ride, and I am so very thankful for it. I’m quite certain it didn’t always add graciousness to the world and I’m certain it wasn’t always pretty. As for its success, I like what I see so far (with my 19 and 18 year old children), but our Lord said that a tree will be known by its fruit. I pray for all of our children.
My other children have autism among other challenges. One is in a special school since he started puberty. During his kindergarden year of homeschooling, while I was working with my other special child, he took a number of hand towels, dunked them in the toilet and then twirled them like a lasso over his head while standing on my bed. There was more to this story, but time is short.
My special needs daughter wears a t-shirt…Learn At Home Like: Joan of Arc, Alexander Graham Bel, G.W. Carver, Churchill, Dickens, Edison, Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, C.S. Lewis, Abe Lincoln, Mozart, (and on) and Me! Will she be homeschooled next year? We will be praying and discerning God’s will be done. In all humility, I ask you and others to pray for her as well.
By saying that, I’m sorry that people see it like a high horse. T’sn’t.
I looked up your final word to me…sheesh…I guess I’ve annoyed you. I just couldn’t go along with all of those who praised this article; perhaps for some like me, fulfilling God’s plan through the enormous sacrifice of homeschooling has been what consumed our waking hours these past 15 years (while loving our husbands, caring for our in-laws and parents before their deaths, etc.)
Great article as always, Simcha! I think Just Me brought up a similar point that Simcha addressed but I’d like to add a few thoughts. It may be the case that sometimes an outfit is for us, we just need to learn how to walk in it…maybe we’ve been used to slouching and we need to learn to sit up straight. It doesn’t feel good at first to switching from slouching to good posture but eventually, you get used to the new position and it actually does feel better because it is better. So, it’s not that we would be doing something that feels miserable forever, it just feels miserable for an adjustment period.
**Simcha, I am in no way trying to tell you to do all of the things you said didn’t fit. I’m just extending the analogy.
Hmm. I look positively smashing in my breezy, “I’m Right About Everything,” and I can wear it gardening, homeschooling and it’s still appropriate for Mass. I must just have a really good figure.
It was a good piece. Catholicism is messy stuff. If it looks prim and proper it probably is not very real - think the Legionaries of Christ. Jesus was messy. He even spit in the mud and rubbed the paste on a guys eyes. Another time He spit on a guys tounge, gross!! Not very prim and proper!
Now, regarding homeschooling - the point of education is to to give a child the skills he need to think critically, express his thoughts with excellent communication, delve deeper into truth and beauty and grow in virtue. Last summer I took the time to read The Underground History of American Education and came to the realization that a child would be better off wandering the streets all day than attending public school. Parochial schools are not much better, so that leaves very few choices. I agree that not every family is afforded the opportunity to homeschool, but one ought to do the research and find out just what the purpose various forms of schooling serve before they subject their children to them. ‘Education’ has been coopted by those who mean something very diferetn when they use the word education. So, I guess my objection to the blog is that it pretends there are all these options available for education out there and one just needs to find the right fit. When, in reality, there are not many viable options at all.
Blake,
Thank you for saying the final part as you did. My 19 and 18 year old children did have an option, a profoundly Catholic, college preparatory, liberal arts education (based on The Great Books using the Socratic method of learning). Check out www.thelyceum.org and you will be astounded! Among Theology, Philosophy and Latin, they have also studied Greek, and most importantly, Euclid’s Elements. They’ve performed Shakespeare annually and have sung Sacred Polyphony. This isn’t a boast. Please understand that this is a forever greatful to God, to The Lyceum School’s founder, Mark Langley (and his wife and family) and to the current Headmaster, Luke Macik (and his wife and family), for educating young ladies and gentlemen in Goodness, Truth and Beauty!
I do understand where people are coming from and agree that there are not many viable options for true “education” out there.
I guess the issue I have is, not everyone can homeschool their child(ren). And not every child can be homeschooled. And not every homeschooled kid can be homeschooled according to “said best curriculum out there.” We have to accept people where they are at and not guilt them for being unable to make the (best) or (best for us) choices that we have.
If every parent believes he is the primary educator of his child / children, in the event that homeschooling is not an option for him, he will still see to it to work against the negatives of whatever other option he chooses for his kid. Homeschooling has its own negatives. Anyone who has tried to step into my house unexpectedly in the middle of the day knows that. But it’s not just “the house”. Honestly, spinning so many plates sometimes leaves many things half done including the young child who has started the mantra, that “nobody loves him” because nobody has time to play with him in the middle of a harried school day. This is my situation not necessarily yours.
No “system” is perfect, homeschooling or otherwise. As Blake said, Catholicism is messy. Life is messy. We are messy creatures. Thank God for Jesus who waded into the mud with us to show us the way out.
I am done wearing the “my way is the best way therefore you should do it too” dress, (unless we are talking strictly on moral issues.) Even the “best” method can have abysmal failures.
There go I but for the grace of God.
Blake, I agree, there isn’t alot of viable options out there if they are considered WITHOUT the parents involvement. Education-wise,homeschooling wins hands down. The school system’s standard lower by the day ....but I must admit I have seen “success” in the raising of children in all the systems. The deciding factor is how the family/spiritual life is lived in the home.
ie. I know a family whose children are in the public system. They live and breathe the faith at home….talk of Carmelite life is discussed as often and with the same fluency as what they are having for dinner…one of the children is in a convent, another is considering the priesthood..
ie. Another family I know has their children in the Catholic system…the Mom PERSONALLY knows every teacher…every parent…and is directly involved in EVERY activity…even bringing extra T-shirts to swimming events to help “remind” the other Catholic students about modesty…her kids practice their faith. I think the principal of the school is scared of her :)
ie. Another family homeschools…Mom is pretty much living a sacificial life to afford to do it…her kids are wonderful to talk to. They are full of the faith and knowledgable on top of it.
For the record, I homeschool my kids because I can, and I love the time I can spend with my kids…but I can’t in all honestly say that it is the only way….but parents be careful…homeschooling may involve sacrificing time and Mom’s whole lifestyle….the other ways take some serious sacrifice of different sort to keep hold of your kids. Consider which BATTLE you are cut out for…just realise that it is a battle you are called to.
Just me,
I know there are some kids that can survive public school without losing their faith, I had them in youth group. But, I would hardly call that a success story. They survive in spite of the school system. They may learn their faith and even learn to think, but the chances are higher if
they wander the streets rather than be subjected to state schooling all day. Modern schooling is designed to make good little workers and consumers. It serves not the person, but the economy. The captains of industry co-opted it a little over 100 years ago, deliberately - according to their own writing! Why anyone would subject their children to this madness is beyond me, if they knew. That is the problem, most people have no idea and everyone goes a long thinking public school is a viable option. Please, take the time to research the development of education in the last century. It will open your eyes.
Wow, that was poetically perfect. Thank you Simcha!
Blake, I do agree with you which is why I homeschool. In my earlier comments I said that, education-wise, homeschool is the way to go. That the decision to send kids to school should not be made for the easy reason, rather than the difficult one, that one is unable to teach or financially unable. And finally,the point that some serious sacrifice would be required to keep ahold of ones kids was made in my last comment. We are on the same boat….
The problem is that the “unable to teach or financially” unable catagory emcompasses alot of people. I have been homeschooling for 11 years and of the original families that were homeschooling there little kids at the same time, more that half no longer do so….due to circumstances that were way beyond their control…..
-one family lost their 10th child at 36 wks gestation, one son rebelled, then Dad lost his job…it took 4-5 years before their situation stablized. The older kids started to scatter. To get them under one roof they put their kids in a public charter.
-in another..mother became mentally ill
-in another…dad was in a car accident, mom had to work
-in another….two kids have autism
-in another….one daughter got brain cancer
-in another…one family the dad is adamantly against it..no matter what the mother thinks he won’t budge.
These examples are off the top of my head. These families are the ones that are putting their kids in school for hard reasons. But do so with trepidation, fully knowing what the dangers are and therefore with a mind to sacrificing everything they can to keep a grip on their kids.
I will always argue with those who take it lightly and make such a serious decision for selfish or materialistic reasons. I know some of these families, too, and have seen them pay a dear price when their children choose the world rather than God.
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