FACTS OF LIFE

I'm at my wit's end trying to get my husband to finish repairs around the house. He doesn't want me to call a repairman, because he says he'll “get around to it,” but he never does. What can I do to motivate him, without endlessly nagging him?

This is touchy for many men. When your husband says to you that he'll get to it, let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps at the time he sincerely intends to deal with the constantly running toilet in the near future. But, after the conversation, it slips his mind until three days later, when you mention it to him again. Again, he answers sincerely when he says that he'll take care of it. And, once again, it slips his mind.

Finally, after the umpteenth time you've brought it up, he snaps at you, telling you to stop nagging him. This is where it gets ugly: No wife wants to be accused of nagging. In your mind, you aren't nagging; you're simply trying to get him to follow up on what he has promised to do. Yet, because he's hearing what sounds like nagging, he may dig in his heels subconsciously — and delay the project even more just to prove he can't be nagged into doing something. And so the downward spiral of negativity continues.

How can you break this pattern? A simple formula may help. First, don't let your husband off the hook the first time with a vague, noncommittal answer. Many men respond better to deadlines.

When he says he'll “get to it,” pin down a specific time frame. Not necessarily the exact day and hour he plans to do the work; rather, when he will have it done by. Ask him to agree that if he does not have it done within the specified reasonable amount of time, the next step will be for you to call a repairman, or, if money is an issue, an expert relative or friend for help.

This is not to punish your husband, but to offer him support. If he is so busy that he hasn't found the time by the deadline he set for himself, then you are going to help him out by calling somebody else.

You will find out something rather quickly: Either he really is too busy, and so the help is actually necessary, or he will finally find the time to do it himself.

Be careful, however. Be sure to work out this agreement ahead of time. Don't spring a surprise visit from a repairman on your husband — you don't want him to feel snookered in any way. Ask him to agree to this arrangement beforehand; this gives him a chance to make good on his word to you.

As a result of this method, you cannot be accused of nagging. You've had the conversation about the toilet exactly once in this scenario, and a repair time frame has been set. Chances are he'll rise to the occasion.

The McDonalds, family-life coordinators for the Diocese of Mobile, Alabama, came through Hurricane Katrina with their loved ones safe and their home intact.