Having realized that I's been a weak disciplinarian for years, should I change all at once or gradually? Either way, how will this kind of change affect my children (ages 4, 7 and 8)?

Change all at once. That's the best way. Alas, in so doing, you will only change gradually anyway. Even trying with all your might, it's nearly impossible to change quickly and fully. Your parenting style and habits have been gaining momentum for a long time. Suddenly slamming on the brakes and reversing engines won' result in an immediate, 180-degree turnabout. Most likely you' skid for a while, inch to a halt, then slowly reverse direction.

Turning around a large ship in the ocean takes up to 12 miles. And that's a ship without kids. You' not the size of a ship, but you' far more complex. Altering ship course is child's play compared to altering parenting course.

Nevertheless, you need to begin changing your ways right now and with full speed ahead. First, the longer you delay, the longer bad habits have to further harden. Breaking bad habits a little at a time is like trying to quit smoking a little at a time. You' struggling to conquer the same behavior in which you keep indulging.

Second, changing gradually leads to changing erratically. Let's say you prioritize your list of troubles. This month you' tackle the majors—backtalk, defiance and sibling quibbling. Next month you' move on to bedtime badtimes, meal melees and toy trash. What if you' still getting resistance in the big three at the end of the month? Do you allot another month, thus still ignoring the minor issues? And when is a problem conquered? At 50% less? 75%? In fact, most misbehavior never completely goes away. So if you wait until one problem is all gone, you' never move on to any others.

Third, the faces of misconduct overlap. For example, backtalk and defiance may be intertwined with bedtime badtimes. Sibling quibbling can lead to toy trash and vice versa. You can' deal effectively with one without simultaneously dealing with the others.

Fourth, bad stuff needs to be stopped now. The instant you sense you' drinking spoiled milk, do you slow your rate of swallowing—or spit it out? If your child were doing something harmful, would you allow him three months to give it up? One of the greater human blessings is self-awareness. Once we realize we' heading in the wrong direction, we can exert all our will to change course, if we so choose.

How will your kids react to the new you? They' be shell-shocked. Who is this stranger? What kind of junk has he/she been reading? How long is this going to last until we get back to normal? Kinds don' generally realize what is good for them. But, shortly, they' come to accept that this stronger parent is here to stay and will only get stronger with time.

Gradually, they' change, too—into more mature human beings who' learn to appreciate the way things have changed.

Dr. Ray Guarendi is the father of 10, a psychologist and an author. He can be reached at www.kidbrat.com

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