How my wife and I got together?  It must have been God’s grace.  Because if you had looked at her you would have seen a beautiful, confident, caring, and above all good woman.  If you had looked at me 26 years ago you would have seen an absolute train wreck.  It is beyond my comprehension how or why she fell in love with me (other men had actually asked her to marry them).  I do not know what I have done for her, but she has and will continue to make me a better person.  Thank God!

This is great!  I can’t wait to read others comments. Dating can be deceiving.  That man that you think will be a great father ends up being a neglectful one and the one you think would make a horrible father turns out to be a fantastic one.  The past is not always a prerequisite of what the future will hold.  It’s better to pray, pray, pray and get God’s blessing before you say “yes” our own discernment doesn’t always work.  I’ve only been married a couple of months and I see (positive) things in my husband that was not there before I married him.

I am marrying the love of my life in six weeks.  Our engagement period has been one of very focused discernment and prayer, and I was periodically smacked between the eyes with doubt: will we be happy?  What if there’s some secret character flaw either one of us has that will suddenly pop out of hiding and make our lives miserable? 

I think I’ve just mostly been feeling that “crap-shoot” aspect of marriage; there isn’t a guarantee.  And marriage is hard, and raising kids is hard.  But every time I read articles like this one, I think, “Yep!  I’m making the right decision.”  Because my biggest fear is simply that I’m not good enough for him.  But he wants me, and I’ll take my chances!

It was a leap of faith for the two of us to get engaged, because there had always been something missing in our relationship. As soon as we agreed to marry each other, we discovered exactly what had been missing: commitment! That was all. There’s no way around the dating state—I’m not suggesting arranged marriages—but it’s important to keep in mind that while you’re dating, you’re not experiencing everything about marriage except the sex. If you’re not engaged, you are (and should be) holding part of yourselves back from each other. As soon as you’re completely committed to each other, you look at problems differently.

It seems to me that one aspect that one should not overlook is his father. I remember having a 7th grade teacher tell me (he for some reason picked me out of the class to address this) ‘always take a good hard look at the mother of who you shall marry cuz that is a good indicator of what you will have in 20 years’. Yikes, i never forgot that. But the great irony of the story is this. My wife’s father passed away and her mother (re)married this now retired teach who had told me that 30 years earlier!

It’s hard to summarize how I knew that my husband was “the one” but I think it boils down to three main things:
1. We brought out the best in each other and complimented each other, even in small things. We led a couple small ministry groups over our 4 years in college, so that gave us a lot of experience in working with each other.
2. He met my juvenile and very long list of characteristics that my husband must have. Yes, I wrote one out. It was over 30 items long and in one way or another, he met every single requirement.
3. All four of our parents whole-heartedly supported and encouraged our relationship. My parents even went so far as to tell me that they were pretty sure he was “the one” within 2 months of my expressing interest in him. Ha! We were married 3 years after that particular conversation. :)

I dated all the Mr. Rights, and my husband didn’t even attend mass when I met him. But he started, and he was a good man. He wasn’t reading Chesterton, he was calling his grandparents. He wasn’t contemplating priesthood, he was fixing his sister’s roof. And he longed to be holy, which was better than I was used to; guys who tried to flex their religious muscle in front of me. I don’t know how we overcame our individual baggage, but that whole thing in St. Paul about husbands loving their wives as Christ loves the Church? He does that, and I could see that in him from day one.
And as for “falling in love” one day I just realize that I loved him. I’m not sure when I started to love him, I just did. Almost like when you see your baby’s first sonogram and you think, “So that’s who belongs in this place in my soul.”

Thanks, Simcha, for the great blog.

As a mother of one daughter and three young sons, I’m taking notes from your wisdom.

Your first paragraph states so much that my generation didn’t know and weren’t told.

God bless you!  I’m printing this!

I love this post! So true about needing to date someone in order to find out what they’re like.  For me, one of my husband’s biggest positive qualities was that even during the time we were dating, he expressed the opinion that of course men and women will change after they get married… but we can make the choice to either change in a way that further unites us, or to grow apart.  I realize it’s not that simple, but the fact that he recognized CHOICE as well as FEELINGS were involved in loving someone made it that much easier for me to love him.

Deciding to live chastely, follow God’s guidance, love Him and serve Him first meant that I did not date very much. When I met my man, I was 31 years old, done with grad school, secure in a very good profession, had been thru counselling to resolve my issues, looking forward to wholeness and a relationship based on love and sacrifice. Open to ministry, mission, kids, goodness, kindness and mercy….
I looked at all the factors, asked my friends, met his family, had counselors meet him; in other words took all the “precautions,” and still, I was duped. Just because you do all the right things, does not mean it will all turn out. The Gospel is even clear about that. Life is messy and you cannot predict how you or your partner will deal with unemployment, sleeplessness, illness, children, etc.
Fortunately, we both believe in God’s redemptive work. We press into Jesus in the pain.
We sought help along the way but now,for three years, we have humbly met with a therapist. It has been a gift to be able to sort through this messy marriage wiith help. And our marriage continues. 19 years. We humbly ask God to help us be true to Him and one another and live faithfully the Gospel of love.

I met my husband abroad. I was 22 and had never dated anyone before. We were both painfully shy and nerdy. When we went back to our own countries we’d been together for just shy of 2 months. After a month of talking on the phone he asked me to marry him (on the phone) so one or the other of us could get a residence permit. (So romantic.) I said yes. I still can’t really explain any of it. I was young and naive and liked this guy and so: yeah, okay. I had one semester left of college, so we waited until summer (he flew over to the States the day before we got married at the courthouse). Then I moved to Europe. Every time I tell this story I think: WHAT WAS I THINKING?
Anyway, that was 9 years ago on June 21. We’re still married - happily, I might add - and after years of infertility problems expecting our first child in September. (To round off the happily ever after: we got re-married in the Church 2 years ago and although my husband is a Lutheran, he’s been going to Mass with me every Sunday for the last year or so and is tentatively considering joining the Church.)

I knew he was the right guy when I realized he was NOTHING LIKE my dad…who has some pretty terrible qualities, including a severe drug addiction. Eight years later, I am amazed I was able to land him!

My best marriage advice, though, is: BE the right person, don’t spend all your time looking for the right person!

Water seeks its own level. Exemplify the qualities you want your spouse to have.

The Lord knew what he was doing when He brought me and my husband together.  I (a Catholic who wanted nine kids)was smitten with him (a pro-choice atheist who’d never held a baby?!).  He seemed so responsible!  We had the same major!  If they’d known all of our faults, I doubt that any of our parents would have chosen us for each other. I’m sure that as a mom, I’d pick through a roster of saints with tweezers and find few worthy of marrying my kids.  Thank God that God is in charge. Our twentieth anniversary is coming up, and we plan to celebrate it by taking a road trip with our eight kids.  The fact that he is now a dedicated prolife Catholic isn’t proof of our “success.”  Our absolute commitment to our faith, each other and our family - what gets us to the other side of each new day and excites us about the next one - is what gives us hope for success in the future.

When we were doing our pre-Cana preparation, we were blessed to have a wonderful young priest who had himself dated before discerning his vocation.  He asked us, since we had gotten engaged just a month after meeting, why we were setting the wedding date a year hence, when the minimum was six months…I think he figured, aren’t you in a hurry?  My fiance said, “Well, we both know we’re meant to marry each other, but we do want to get to know each other first!”  Our priest talked about how a lot of people date just for recreation and fun, but actually it should be for discerning—discerning whether you are meant to be married, or have another vocation, and who you should marry. That’s the message we hope to pass on to our sons—also that it is not imperative that everybody marry.  In fact, I think some people are called to a single life; not everybody is meant to be married or have children.

For me, there were a couple things that really stood out.  First, he was a practicing Catholic—meaning, he identified himself as a Catholic *and* went to mass every Sunday.  Going to a Catholic college, I knew lots of Catholic guys—but there was a big difference between Sunday and every other day of the week.  The weekend after we first met was the first time we attended mass together, and it has been that way ever since—every week, unless someone was out of town or sick (and this is going on 11+ years now).  Perhaps it’s oversimplified, but that trait really highlighted an important part we had in common: we both took our faith seriously, we both made the commitment to fulfill that obligation—and that has carried over into many, many other aspects of our life together.

Secondly was the “fit” of our families of origin—not with each other, mind you (there’s too much geographical distance for that), but how he fit with my family and how I fit with his.  Seeing how my parents and siblings sized him up, and seeing how he interacted with his older siblings and aging parents (and how they interacted with me) provided really valuable insight.  Also, seeing how his parents interacted with each other gave me another strong indicator of whether or not he was “marriage material.”

Nine years of marriage and 2 children (expecting #3) later, we are still very much in love!

My husband asked me to marry him on our second date. I said yes on the third.  It was all about totally being blown away by an overpowering attraction and the insight that here was a very solid, loving man.We were married 6 months after our first date.  His family vehemently opposed the marriage and didn’t attend our wedding because it was in a Catholic church. He was a secular very liberal Jew;I was a practicing Catholic. Fast forward 26 years later… he is a Catholic convert who never fails to make the sign of the cross when passing a Catholic church in honor of the Real Presence, amazing sons who were homeschooled with my husband’s support and enthusiasm, his mother admires our family and loves me, and we are very much in love. TOTALLY GOD"S GRACE ...there is no other explanation. There were periods when it was difficult but we both had one over riding advantage…a tenacious commitment to the idea of marriage as a forever commitment.

I met my wonderful husband at a youth fellowship gathering when we were both still in high school. He marched right up to me, stuck out his hand, and said, “And you are…?” Not realizing that he’d just introduced himself to the person standing next to me (I must have been daydreaming), I thought he was pretty rude.

We kept seeing each other at the same (weekly) gathering and eventually became good friends. I admired his intelligence, his honesty, his boldness and unselfconsciousness. And he wasn’t bad looking either. (Remember that Lois and Clark sitcom from the 90s? Strangers would tell me, “Your boyfriend looks like Clark Kent!”) Anyway, we began dating during our second year of college and married the summer after graduation. That was 14 years and 8 kids ago, and I’m still madly in love with him. No marriage or person is perfect, though, so please pray for us.

How did I know he was the one? Well, mostly because the relationship was different in all sorts of not-quite-tangible ways. Other boyfriends had mentioned marriage and I’d told them to shut up—I was too young to think about that. But with him we talked about marriage and kids even before we officially started dating and it wasn’t particularly weird or scary. Oh, and as a tween I’d read one of those Christian romance novels in which the protagonist prayed for a sign: that the man she should marry would ask her to pray with him on a date. I sort of half-heartedly tried the same prayer, and sure enough, it was answered. My husband said he had pretty simple criteria in what he was looking for in a wife: Christian, honest, and non-ugly. He swears I’m the only woman he knew who met all three. :)

To Christy…I loved your post! I see you are still amazed, as I am, how God works in your life. Perhaps there is a unique gratitude and amazement when you look back and see how you unintentionally skipped over all the human wisdom in choosing your husband and know it was God’s grace. I think the checklist approach can be very good but once in awhile God throws out a wild card and we should be open to it…I am glad I was. The one non-negotiable I would advise is a basic respect of the non-Catholic partner for your Catholic faith.

I wanted someone who respected me, was smart enough to have a long conversation, who loved kids and could make it past my parents pyscho-ness. Once I found someone that met that criteria, we got married in 8 weeks before our parents changed their minds. 6 years later, we are still in love, but our lives look totally different than they used too. My parents would never approve of him now, but then they don’t approve of me either. Glad we aren’t trying to please them anymore!

Skipping to the happy ending: my wife and I just celebrated our 24th year of marriage, are deeply and happily in love, and have 5 beautiful, wonderful kids.

But the dating/getting married part? I was a jerk. She was too insecure to tell me to drop dead, which I certainly deserved on any number of occasions. I broke up with her at one point, when I realized that it was either that or marry her (I was a coward!) - then (here’s where the story gets better) I realized I couldn’t do it. But I was still an immature jerk, she had enough sense to tell me she didn’t want to get married right away, so I moved to a different city for school, then back to California a 1,000 miles away, then - 7 years after meeting her, and a year after moving away - I flew back with a ring and proposed. She said yes. A year later we were married.

I was still a jerk. It took, I dunno, 10 - 15 years of marriage for me to get even halfway to being a descent husband. Yet here’s the thing: she makes me want to be a better husband, want to be a better man and father. In some way, she always has. Sure, she’s smart and funny and selfless and goes to daily Mass (for the last couple years, I’ve gone with her) but - as Simcha and others have said, the special characteristic is that she inspires me to want to be better.

**So how are we women supposed to know if we’re making a good choice, saying “yes” to someone who at least gives us a chance of building a strong marriage and a happy home?**
________________

There is something that we must be aware of—if one truly wish to say “yes” to loving the other person, then she cannot do it with a “what’s in it for me?” attitude.  True and perfect love is a COMPLETE gift of self.  It is entirely putting oneself at the mercy of the other.  It is accepting the other person notwithstanding all of the horrible flaws that he has.
        .
No other person can “make you happy” no matter how great he is, and it is foolish to persist in thinking that there is someone who can or will.  Rather, whoever you decide to say “yes” to will invariably disappoint somewhere along the way.  There is no perfect other person.  There is no “Mr. Right” or “Miss Right.”
        .
Eventually, love is a choice.  You have to choose—WILL I love the other person.  That is, it is an exercise of the will.  Jesus doesn’t love us because we are so funny and pretty and make Him happy.  Most of the time we are none of these things.  He chooses to love us.  And He does so without saying “what’s in it for me?”
        .
But it is in this total abandonment in the giving of self, in the paradox of she who is last will be first, that one is able to find contentment, if not happiness, in almost any circumstance.

Reminds me that Vicki Thorn, founder of a group that helps post-abortive women, said recently in a talk that if a woman is on “the pill” she will NOT choose the right man to marry, because the pill changes her pheromones. I’m also guessing that a really good man would not be dating a woman on the pill, for obvious reasons. So if you are a woman and are looking for “Mr. Right,” get off the pill! And learn NFP! It works and lowers the divorce rate to almost nothing.

I met my future husband when we were both in our 30’s.  He was smart, witty, loved his faith, prayed, had a good job, took care of his widowed mother and fatherless nephews.  Everybody thought he was such a good catch, including me!  We started talking about marriage within weeks.  We got married 1 year after we met and I moved to his part of the country (ours was a long distance romance). 
Well, almost 11 very difficult years later, including the last 3 with him being a withdrawn alcoholic, I’m still wondering what I could have done differently when dating him.  I would suggest that you really take into account the family and background of a prospective mate.  He came from a neighborhood where alcohol and drug abuse were extremely common; there was quite a lot of alcoholism in his own family (Irish!), even though his parents didn’t drink.  I think it’s really hard to escape your background, and mine wasn’t without it’s issues either.  Strange as it may sound, I think that if I was to start all over again, I might not place as much importance on the faith aspect (which I thought would conquer all) and focus more on his family background.  I might look twice at the dull steady stable types.
In the end, it does seem like a bit of a crapshoot, one which I lost, unfortunately.  But we’ve had 3 lovely kids, and we keep at it day by day.  I’m sooo jealous when I read about all these great relationships!  Please don’t take them for granted!

I agree with Karen. Some people are called to the single life. Indeed, some people are called to the religious life and ignore God and stay as laypeole and get married. others called to the lay single life ignore God and get marrried. This is quite serious. So there are quite a few married couples out there who God wanted to be single lay people and lifelong virgins.

Simcha, your description of how you felt around your husband-to-be is exactly how I felt around mine.  There is an overpowering attraction to the Good when you’re around who you’re meant to be with.
//
I often say that I was pulled kicking and screaming into marriage.  I met my now-husband just as I realized how happy I was as a single person, fulfilling my role in the Church in various capacities.  Then I met him.  And it all came crashing down.  I was so happy single, isn’t that what God wanted for my future?  No, it was what I wanted.  After lots of discerning, it was pretty clear that God’s message to me was: Be with this man. He will help you attain Heaven.
//
I shudder to think of the kind of person I’d be now were it not for my husband.  I might be single and Catholic, but I’d also be pretty self-absorbed and selfish. It’s one thing to serve the Church for your own gratification; it’s quite another to do it in the spirit of sacrificial love.

American men are smarter to look to Asia, Latin America, or Eastern Europe.  Western mentality women are unsalvageable. 

Sure, they respect good men, but they sleep with cads! 

And what man wants a “used” woman?  And what “used” woman is capable of a normal healthy marriage?

The WashTimes story is correct!  Women give it up to men, and they are all cheapened!

And what man wants a “used” woman?  And what “used” woman is capable of a normal healthy marriage?

Right, because there’s no such thing as confession, repentance, or conversion, and wholesome, honest western men by the millions are all standing back, baffled, as women somehow manage to fornicate all by themselves.

.

Let me ask you, do you find that you attract a lot of nice women when you reveal that you think of them as some sort of absorbent towel for your “use?”

One of the many reasons: boyfriend/future husband’s dad, a colonel in the army, would always wash the dishes with his wife/future mother-in-law- so I knew my boyfriend/future husband was raised with a nice balance of being macho/manly and helpful/respectful to the women in his life

Like Mary S., I was dragged down the aisle by my future husband.  I think I loved him all those years ago.  I knew that he was the “one” for me, but I was scared to death of marriage.  I think it was and has been the grace of the sacrament that has kept us together after 17 years and 4 children.  It also helped that my husband was very persistent and made it known that he loved me and would never leave me.
I was a wounded warrior back then.  I had a number of serious relationships and had my heart broken more than once.  I wouldn’t wish my past on any of my children, but some people have to make mistakes in life to learn.

Thank, you Simcha.  While I understand where Informer is coming from I also think and good smack to head would be useful.  Not that I believe violence is the answer it just depends on the question.

When I was single I, too, found it very disheartening to try to find a “good girl”.  So I dated lots and lots of bad girls.  Which made me bad.  And empty, etc.  I tried to convert a foreign pagan girl and nearly succeeded before she broke my heart.  Then I dated a girl from “the east” and, well, stereotypes of the dutiful Asian woman following meekly a couple steps behind are bunk - not that that is what I wanted anyway.  Put many years into that without progress.

I finally “lucked out”.  I found the first girl who was nice “at heart” although pretty rough around the edges, who trusted me, accepted MY rough edges and was okay with the idea that we would grow together and that we would both commit to changing our lives for the better and to serving God and each other.  That commitment was all it took.  She was sincere about accepting my flaws and about growing together to be good. I said something like, “Look, I want to move forward, but I want to be GOOD.  I am over being bad.  Can you accept my “issues” AND also help me to be a better person” You up for that?”  She said something like, “Sure.” DONE!  I bought the ring the next day. I went from the empty, lost, serial dater of 60+ women to being being “addicted” to sacrificing anything and everything for the GOOD of my AWESOME wife.  And she has done much the same. 

To anyone in doubt out there.  If it can work out for me…well… “With God all things are possible!” yes?  Don’t doubt, decide to die to yourself.  What fun! 

@Informer - don’t be jaded my friend.  First of all there are TONS of WONDERFUL single Catholic women out there!  And “Western” women are not used pieces of trash.  Do you think that is how God sees them?  If you can’t look past someone’s flaws or past then maybe you are not fully trusting in God?  If His Mercy is infinite how much should you have?  How about yourself?  Is this how you want God to view your sins?  As making you trash?  I assure you the trashiest person in the world is worth the entire universe to God!  It’s true, there is a practical and difficult matter of “converting” someone, and I am not suggesting you go find yourself some unrepentant wilding, but give yourself some credit for being able to help someone grow and trust in God!  (And be nice! :)

HAHAHAHAHAHA Mrs. Fisher that was THE BEST REPLY E.V.E.R!!! I was thinking the same thing!!! hahaha “women somehow manage to fornicate all by themselves”!!! thank you all for giving me hope, because yes, I am 18, NEVER dated, (don’t worry, I had options)... but seems like the right guy is not coming along…but you all give me faith to keep waiting with patience!! thank you all, and I love you!!!

My husband and I have been married 11 years and we are very much so in love, more now than ever.  I don’t know how I “knew” with my husband - I could claim to have been smart since he checked out on paper:  good to his family, confession-going Catholic, smart, on track to support a family financially…. For me, though, the truth was that he was the only guy I had ever met who didn’t make me think “what if he’s not ‘the one’??” when he tried to kiss me. 

I don’t see that there is any real way, though, to guarantee yourself a good spouse.  Both my husband and I sounded great in theory, but in reality we both had hidden dark sides that reared their ugly heads well after we were stuck with each other.  Part of falling in love is leaving yourself open to being hurt, there’s just no way to get around it.  Everyone is bound to be disappointed in one way or another.  I like to think about the parents in the Kristin Lavransdatter books - sometimes a successful marriage looks like years and years of toil and unhappiness.  The key is in looking for the moments of grace and consolation and recognizing them for what they are.

Can I ask you people something, perhaps especially to the long-time-marrieds?

This is a little on the personal side, but the anonymity here may actually elicit honest responses that I can’t seem to find in real life.

Has anyone here ever gotten to a point in your marriage when you literally gave up? No connection, no fights, no sex. Just an amiable roommate situation, one in which you neither felt love or hate, where you shared all the important mutual responsibilities - child rearing, helping with inlaws, working for a paycheck for the mortgage etc - but the union was more on paper than in fact?

And did this colorless existence go on forever? Did you utterly lose desire but go thru the motions for the sake of peace? Is peaceful co-existence, and the duties of responsibility, all that matters, and must be adhered to till your vow is fulfilled?

Please, honesty.

“Or if you backed out of a relationship that was headed toward marriage, what were the warning signs?”

Thanks for the question! In my case, the warning signs were:

1. He was a committed Catholic and a daily mass goer, but was also a male chauvinist and emotionally manipulative. He “reminded” me a couple of times that since the Bible said that wives had to submit to their husbands, I therefore had to obey him in everything (even though we weren’t married yet!). He also loved to make little comments like “women can’t drive”, and considered women to be men’s intellectual inferiors.
2. He treated me like a gentleman in appeareance, but shouted at me in several occassions when we were alone.
3. He was a good son with his parents, but had no interest in getting to know mine and in fact avoided them like the plague.
4. He resented my spending time with my family and friends, and was constantly jealous of me.
5. He had extremely few (if any) friends.

I put up with his flaws for over a year and a half, but when he started talking about marriage and getting engaged, I just balked, and have never regretted the decision. He’s now married now to a sweet Catholic girl, and I honestly feel sorry for her, she looks very unhappy. I’ve also heard from some friends that he has raised his voice at her in public in several occassions, something I can easily believe from personal experience.

In short, beware of Pharisees!! :)

anon- I don’t know if 13 years is ‘long-time’ married- but I’ll weigh in- I believe that staying together like this (no connection, no sex, no fights) can build virtue- but really- if things are so grey, but both are staying, there must be love. Peaceful co-existence and shared responsibility might be ‘all’ you have- but it is a great start.

Can you find it in your heart to be a friend to your spouse? Don’t be stubborn, can you bring him/her a cup of coffee when you make yourself one? Can you say something nice about your spouse to another person when your spouse can overhear? Can you pray specifically for your spouse? Can you find a shared common interest that might be fun? and perhaps a full physical to rule out any medical problems might be in order to try and restart a marital sex life—-if there isn’t abuse and addiction, there is a lot of hope—-the only real enemy is apathy.

I bet we are all praying for you, anon.

From my perspective as a young Asian-American female, the girls from my country just aren’t the same anymore. I don’t speak for all of them, of course, but when I went back there, most of the girls my age were more Westernized than me…My mom just came back from the country and brought me some clothes from back there (the clothes are cheaper and made for girls my size) and I was shocked to see how short the dresses are. I told my mom that I can’t wear something so short, and she replied that my cousin wears shorter dresses than that to work!

This is probably more true of the girls from well-to-do families who want to copy everything Western, but when an American man looks for a bride from Asia, eastern Europe, etc…his intention may be to find a more traditional woman but hers is to come to the US. Many Asian-American males realized they were misled when their Asian bride is on American soil and no longer wants them. It’s a huge rish, unfortunately.

I had major cold feet when I was engaged to my husband, but one thing I knew was that he was taking this as seriously as I was, and with prayer, he got the same answer I did—that we were supposed to be together.  There was also one time when I sat in front of the Blessed Sacrament and cried because I was so scared and I felt a wave of peace come over me, and could “hear” Jesus say to me, “Its okay, he’s the one.” 

Ten years later, he still is. :)

Simcha!
Thanks for posting.  I love your writing.  Actually I’m a nurse, a male, and 97% of my co-workers are female.  I’ve been celibate…totally celibate for 14 years…..despite offers!  I hear stories, see events, live experiences.  Am I a serious Catholic man….or simply living a life of duplicity?

I know what I’m talking about.

Only the Philipina women are modest, discreet, restrained….albeit only culturally Catholic!

I don’t think YOU want to defend Western Women now…..do you?

I also backed out of a relationship that was kind of like what Veronica described (minus the yelling).  We had the added issue that he could not get over, or forgive me, for my past mistakes in the chastity area.  Big red flag.  I had dear friends tell me that they thought he was too controlling, even though he was otherwise a very dedicated Christian, and I finally realized that they were right.  Let me just say that I do not think that it’s wrong to look for someone who has kept themselves pure, remained a virgin, however you want to say it.  I think that it was probably best for him that we separated as well, so that he could find someone who met that standard that he had set for himself.  As far as I know he and his wife a happily married.

My husband was a good friend before our relationship became “romantic” and when I told him why I broke up with the other guy he just said, “what?!  the past is the past.”  When we started dating we agreed not to talk about our past sins in that area, and just move forward.  That turned out to be a very good decision.

One big reason I wanted to marry my husband was that he was good with kids (he’s an elementary school teacher), and he has a good sense of humor.  Also, he always supported me, was proud of my successes, and respectful of any spiritual insights.  That turned out to be very important when I decided that God was calling me to become Catholic nearly 15 years after we married.  I am so thankful that he was not too proud to consider the Church for himself, and that he was not worried about looking like I was “leading” spiritually.  He “followed” me in a few months later!  Thanks be to God!

And, for what it’s worth, having lived in Asia for nearly 17 years now, I think The Informer has some extremely outdated ideas about Asian women!

Informer, I don’t know a damn thing about Filipina woman.  What I do know is that calling any human being “unsalvageable” is in direct contradiction of the Gospels.  So unless you know something that Christ and my confessor don’t, then, no, you don’t “know what you’re talking about.”

Ugh….“Used”? “Unsalvageable?” These are human beings, not objects for sale.  Get yourself to confession then go kneel down in front of the Blessed Mother and apologize for referring to her children in such a manner.  That is no way for a Catholic gentleman to behave.

Anon, I hope you get more replies, because I know how that feels, so I’ll tell you what I can. I have given up a few times. And I think that underneath the defeat was hurt, that my dreams, my love, didn’t pan out. I think the advice to work on friendship is sound, make the cups of tea, put in the caring. But don’t quit. I wasn’t spiritually minded at all so it was because of pure hope, and in our worst times we just said ‘We will wait’. We set a time on it, a year, and said we’d review then (since we still considered separation an option then). Can you get some time together? Can you name six things that made you love your partner? Sometimes, for myself, I know I just miss them in the tiredness and busyness of daily life, but they are still there. Please Anon, don’t give up. If there are specific reasons why attraction or sexual activity stopped, could you get help to address them? You say things are amiable, and you get on, no fights, and this sounds like a great base to build on. Lots of marriages don’t have that much. Just wait. Wait and pray and work on it. Things change, you can never tell when or where or how, but they do. They have for me time, and time again. When I thought all was lost. I thought there was nothing left, but God saw that there was, and it was beautiful, and built it up. Also, we have learned that divorce is NOT an option. I was surprised how much of a difference this made. If it is non-negotiable that I will stay married, and divorce will NEVER be an option, then I’d better work bloody hard to make sure my marriage is happy. I’m not saying that you haven’t or don’t, I’m just telling you what worked for me, and how it helped me, in the hope it will help you. I knew that this was it, I was with him forever, so I’d better make it good, or it was going to be a very unpleasant 50 odd years. When I got this option out of my head, it also helped me look at the relationship differently, not as someone I loved but couldn’t (fill in the blanks…feel happy with/close to/be intimate with/be with forever, fillin your own)...but as the man who is my partner for life. I just had to make it good, and with Gods help, praise Him, it became good. Please Anon, don’t give up, just wait. I will pray for you, and I’d like to ask anyone else with experiences like these to join in with support too.

Informer: people are NEVER unsalvageable. That is why we have Jesus. Also, sin is sin. We all sin in different ways, and it is all bad…“Used” is YOUR value judgement and description. Because we are humans, none of use will find a partner who is ‘un-used’ or ‘un-tainted’ (by sin generally, not only sexual sin), nor will we be ourselves. I find your outlook really sad.

Well, I’ve never been married, but if there is one thing I do know, it is this: ladies, do NOT marry a man who has no friends!  HUGE red flag.  I and close friends of mine have dated men who seemed good on paper (goes to Mass regularly, nice family, etc.) but mysteriously had no friends.  We made excuses for them while we were dating them, but the relationships all (thank God!) fell through before we got to the altar.  It is natural for people to have friends; it is unnatural to have none, and a sign of serious deficiencies of character.  In every case, the man in question turned out to be controlling, manipulative and bad-tempered (think shouting) almost to the point of abuse.  Don’t marry someone like this!

Ann wrote “So if you are a woman and are looking for “Mr. Right,” get off the pill! And learn NFP! It works and lowers the divorce rate to almost nothing.”

Really NFP lowers divorice rate?  Are you making this up or is there an actual study?  I’d like to read it.  Thanks.

I don’t think it’s quite accurate to say that it “lowers” the divorce rate.  Divorce rates among NFP-using Catholics is exceptionally low, but my guess is that people who use NFP faithfully are the same people who are very unlikely to divorce.  (This is not a knock against NFP, but I don’t think it ought to be promoted as something which magically saves struggling relationships.  Not that Ann was doing that, but I have seen it done.)

@Simcha, what is the logic behind it making couples unlikely to divorce?

Barbara, you MUST be a mom.  Your comment almost sent ME to confession and to the knees of the Blessed Mother!  Awesome.  :D

Speaking of the pill, it is such a relationship killer.

Catholics who use the pill divorce at the same rate as the rest of the country- 50%, while those who use NFP have a divorce rate at less than 5%.

Do these statistics reflect that the pill is the entire cause? No, but it is part of the equation, and a deadly part.

There are so many comments, that I am not going to read them, but I want to say this is great. I love it—helpful for a single Catholic and also endearing.

I realized I shouldn’t marry someone when I was 19.  We planned on it, talked about our future, and although he was very supportive of me, he wasn’t someone I’d want to raise kids with.  This article has given me a lot to think about, so thank you. :)

I’ve been looking for a job, and realizing that I am looking for a match for my job as much as a parish that will hire me.  Same is with relationships.  I’m always worried I won’t find someone, and that causes me to jump into the first man’s available arms that spreads out for me.  I’ve learned this year that is not the best tactic, and that I am looking for someone who will be a good match for me, not only someone who is interested.

@liseux, Are you making this up or is this fact? Where are you getting this information?

http://familiadelasamericas.org/inc/data/divorce_study_eng_wilson.pdf

I’m astonished that the article didn’t address one huge factor, though a few people in the comment boxes did. This is an Apostolic teaching that the Church has maintained from the start, but has been trivialized recently in history to the scandal and demise of many:

“Care also must be taken that they [Catholics] do not easily enter into marriage with those who are not Catholics; for, when minds do not agree as to the observances of religion, it is scarcely possible to hope for agreement in other things. Other reasons also proving that persons should turn with dread from such marriages are chiefly these: that they give occasion to forbidden association and communion in religious matters; endanger the faith of the Catholic partner; are a hindrance to the proper education of the children; and often lead to a mixing up of truth and falsehood, and to the belief that all religions are equally good. (Pope Leo XIII, Arcanum, 43)”

ALSO see CCC 1633 onward. Is this not a huge problem today, even among couples who “wait”? When the ‘rule books’ are not in harmony for each side, then you are sure to have significant arguments over matters that should be settled. Just imagine the heartache to come when one partner insists on contraception since their Protestant (or liberal, unfaithful Catholic) tradition accepts it? Or, worse yet, what about the children being sent mixed messages: the Catholic Church is true, but this Protestant Denomination is true also.

Not dating a *faithful and practicing* Catholic (or you not being one yourself) is a huge mistake and one which can cause undue heartache.

Also, make sure you get to know your partner’s family, especially parents, and whether they like you - otherwise there is a whole other issue that causes undue stress in families.

@Simcha Thank you!

My wonderful husband won me over by showing me over and over again that he would love me no matter what. I had some pretty ugly emotional and spiritual wounds when I met him from growing up in an abusive church, but he was willing to hold my hand through the messy healing process. It also meant a lot to me that my husband had never dated before he met me, and then he made it clear the his eyes were set on marriage to me unless God called him elsewhere (the priesthood). We got married 5 years after we met, and his seriousness about our relationship gave the security I needed to grow in love.

My husband loves the Lord, but he isn’t a pious knuckle head. I knew from the start that he was the real deal, not because he goes to daily Mass, but because he doesn’t leave a single person around him untouched. He’s the guy who pulls over on the highway at 2 am to help some old lady change her tire. He inspires me everyday to get over my self-absorbed scrupulosity, and love the people around me a little bit more generously.

Informer, EVERYBODY is damaged goods! The married vocation is a call to love your broken and sinful spouse as God loves them…unconditionally.

@Elizabeth

Thank you for sharing!  This is the type of person I can be (in female form)if I try and keep on the road I’m heading.  It’s encouraging to hear that people out there value the things I have to offer, and can notice genuine love of Christ in another minus the “pious knuckle head” syndrome.  Maybe that was odd to say, but really, thank you for your wonderful post!

I also enjoy the last part about being called to love broken and sinful people, because that’s what we all are! :)

mrsceecee, ‘tis true, ‘tis true!

I’ve heard for years now about a study that says women on the pill are less attracted to masculine men. Then when they get off the pill, some are not chemically attracted to their partners (husbands) anymore.

Makes sense as the pill is a steroid and it is altering body chemistry.

Here’s a link: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,562221,00.html

i see his sense of humor still hasn’t changed :)

@...  Your comment reminds me of the story about Harry Truman holding forth on the virtues of manure.  A friend of his wife took Mrs. Truman aside and said, “Can’t you get your husband to say ‘fertilizer’ instead?”  And Mrs. Truman rolled her eyes and said, “You have no idea how hard it was to get him to start saying ‘manure!’”

I didn’t read through all the comments (lack of time, at the moment), but I want to put forth a thought.  There is the saying that if you want to know how he’ll treat you, look at how he treats his mother.  WRONG!!!!  Look at how his father treats his mother; that has been his example.  No, it isn’t 100%, but if you see a poor relationship in the parents, go very slowly with the son.

BTW, my husband does treat me like his dad treats his mom—and I love it!

Well…for me I was actually shocked to find out that I was attracted to someone who was just a friend for years.  I knew my husband for 4 years as a really nice guy who attended my church but we had never spent any one on one time together.  I never had any inclination to consider him as a spouse until we went on our first date.  But the first time he held me in his arms I felt like I had come HOME.  I still feel like that nearly 21 years later.  I am the first woman in my maternal family who has never been married to an abusive man (for generations).  I don’t know why God’s grace blessed me with that gift, but I’m forever thankful.

We’ve been through a lot together.  He is so much more selfless and giving than me.  He always sees the good in people.  I have to work harder to find that good.  He’s an extrovert, I’m an introvert.  I want security before all else, he’s not a worrier (which works since I do enough for both of us).  But in the end, he just loves me.  That unconditional love has made me want to be a better person. 

Anon, even though my husband and I have a good marriage, we have gone through dryer spells from time to time.  I have found that it was mainly me and my disatisfaction with life in general that was causing the disconnect.  I stopped doing little things for him that made him feel special.  I started doubting my life choices.  I gradually started to treat him as a roomate instead of my lovemate.  I’m not saying that’s your situation.  I couldn’t possibly know.  I’m really sorry you’re hurting.  I second others recommendations to do things for your husband that will make him feel special and loved.  Think about who he is and just do simple things each day.  It can be tough when you’re exhausted from raising a family, but even just little things like always greeting him in the morning with a kiss or when he gets off of work meeting him at the door with a smile (and more).  Think about how excited you were when you greeted him at the door when you were dating and choose to act like that until you actually feel it again.  Wear the same perfume you wore when you were dating and offer to give him a massage (with no other expectations).  Just please don’t give up.  Divorce is a difficult, hard thing and if you have kids you will always be connected.  Every holiday, future wedding, grandchildren, etc. will bring up the fact that you are no longer together.  There will be no sitting together watching your children get married.  There will be no holding your grandchild together for the first time.  You won’t be able to take delight in your own unspoken shared history.  The little things that only the two people raising their kids know.  The knowing looks when one of your kids does something that is exactly like their personality, etc. will be gone.  There can be light at the end of this tunnel, so please don’t give up.

Because of God’s grace we are always evolving and changing.  Because of Him, tomorrow the sun may shine once more again.

Friends, I have 2 children on the Autism spectrum and both my husband and I take anti-depressants to help us cope with our high maintenance children, which almost kills our libidos. We have a very companionable marriage but some days it does feel like being roommates. And I’ve just had to tell myself this is how it is for now. We love each other, we love our children, and, God willing, the future will be better. But this is how it is right now.

@anon - my wife and I have been married 22 years.  We did reach a point around the 6th year of our marriage where our relationship was in crisis.  My wife wasn’t sure of her faith and no longer felt “in love” with me, but viewed me more as a sibling than husband.  We had two young children at the time (ages 6 and 4) and said we’d stay together on account of the children.  I wasn’t the best husband in showing my love for my wife, although neither of us were unfaithful.  I was hurt and we are both competitive, so getting beyond “winning” and argument or acting out of our hurt took time.  She came to a point in her spiritual life where she knew she believed in God, but not necessarily Christ as the Son of God.  That led to a spiritual journey through Judaism, Baha’i and the Universalist Church.  I joined her in her journey of different faiths while I continued to attend the mass and brought the children with me (although we had compromised on it being every other week at the Catholic church with the other week being at the services she attended).  At one point we talked about separation and divorce.  As I offered that up in prayer, God clearly gave me a heart that said that I would love her no matter what, that it was no longer contingent upon her loving me.  That was very much a change of heart for me and allowed me to get over my own hurts and be more loving with my wife.  Over time, our love for one another increased.  On Christmas eve 2007, my children and I were praying before the vigil mass was to begin, when my wife came in and knelt next to me.  It was on that night that she chose to join me in worshiping together within the Catholic church.  Since that time our marriage has flourished, as well as our faith life.  But we did go through 12 years of struggle before becoming one again in our sacramental marriage.  I love my wife beyond measure and ask for God’s grace daily to love her in the sacrificial way that she deserves.  I wish I had been more mature earlier in our marriage and been the husband she needed me to be. 
-
May God bless you on your journey and give you grace during this difficult time in your life.  I know that God loves you and your wife abundantly.  - Your brother in Christ - Jim

I am unintentionally single but by examining past relationships,  I recognize (in the words of a dear friend) that I have “dodged a bullet” more than once.
As I look back I can see that there is no man that I have dated that I wish I had married, and not for lack of good men.

“Or if you backed out of a relationship that was headed toward marriage, what were the warning signs?”
With the most significant relationship:
* he did not respect his mother.  In fact, when his father died he commented to me, “My dad was a saint for putting up with her.”  I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps his mom was some sort of awful.  I met her and she was lovely, a bit difficult due to dementia, but nothing a KIND soul couldn’t handle.  Worse, was the realization that his brothers all showed her the same disrespect.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get to meet his father.
* he didn’t believe in me.  he distributed little jabs that he excused as “being funny”  I’m a size 4, VERY thin and he would tell me I was out of shape - somehow not noticing his own beer gut and man boobs.
* when we started dating he listed for me his “non-negotiables”: certain holidays would be with HIS family, annual trips with HIS friends.  But then he never made room for any special times or holidays with me, or my family.  (And he didn’t include me with his until I had to issue an ultimatum.) 
* over time, his “non-negotiables” gave way to daily deal-breakers.  Instead of seeing an annoyance he may or not be able to live with, every little flaw that I had was a ‘deal-breaker’.  Fine, that’s okay to have your deal-breakers… but then please be man enough to break up!!!
* I felt his Catholic faith wasn’t as sincere as he was trying to make it appear.  He criticized me for reading a magazine on a plane ride rather than reading the Bible!  (never mind bibles are heavy to pack and the small print is conducive to motion sickness… why are you judging me?!  I read the bible… just not while flying!  I felt he was more concerned about appearing pious to strangers… than actually dedicating himself to the word.
* I sensed he had a problem with alcohol. 
and finally… the relationship was all about him, it had nothing to do with me.  He tried to make it about God but not as much as he made it about himself.

Someone up there said that not everyone is called to marriage and family… but please… make no mistake… the single life is NOT a vocation.  There is marriage, priesthood, and religious life… but single life is NOT A VOCATION.  Okay, there is consecrated virgin… but if that horse has already left the barn… what are you supposed to do?

And to “The Informer” whose identity we can probably guess from last week…  Not every single woman is used.  Even if she has made a past mistake regarding chastity,  she is not ‘soiled’!  Do not the men who led us on by indicating a relationship might lead to marriage, have some responsibility?  When a woman dates for 20 + years and every single man she has met has no intentions for marriage ever… is it her fault that you presume she’s slept with all of them?
Yes, I have kissed many many more men than I ever intended to… but I thank God I didn’t sleep them all!!!  Oddly, the fact that I HAVE been chaste seems to make me LESS desirable to most men! 
The road goes both ways… if chaste men have your attitude, I’ll stay single, thank you.

I love this article, and I love all the wonderful advice in the comments. Going to years of Catholic school, I kind of thought I’d heard all the same old marriage-chastity-dating advice adults had to offer… wrong! (Ha, I guess us 19 year olds don’t know everything after all :) )
Thank you for all the wonderful perspectives.

This conversation has been extremely interesting and helpful to me so far. I was wondering, what do you all think about dating a man who is ok with contraception? He doesn’t believe in all the hormonal methods, but is okay with condoms. I personally believe in NFP only. If I were to marry him, and he were to agree to respect my wishes, do you think that would be all right? He is Catholic, by the way, and a very good man. He just doesn’t always agree with everything the Church teaches, though he does agree with most of it. I’m more of a by the book Catholic. And I do love him and would marry him; these are my only misgivings.

Amy,
I would urge you to take this issue very seriously.  It is so easy to agree to use NFP when you have no children.  When my non-Catholic husband and I got married he willingly agreed to not use contraception.  But as the years have passed and we’ve been blessed with children (6), it has become a point of contention. He has threatened vasectomy more than once.  For long stretches he has been adamant about not having more children.  And while I have always tried to respect him in this the reality is that NFP leaves a window open for God and we also haven’t always used it correctly.  Unplanned children do come sometimes and without a strong trust in God, His Church’s teaching, and the gift of children, it can create an unnecessary suffering.  I’m so grateful that He has sent us more children than I thought we could handle because our lives are so blessed as a result.  But we are human and sometimes it takes an adjustment period where we have to align our wills to God’s and trust that things will be okay.  Not agreeing on this issue has been a source of heartache that didn’t need to be there. It would be so much easier to have a like-minded spouse so that you could encourage each other through the rough patches and share the belief in your blessings together.  The alternative can be that while you are struggling to care for so many, instead of comfort and support, you are on the defensive and trying to talk your husband out of surgery, reminding him of promises he made to you and asking him to read www.dontfixit.org and praying that he won’t do something that would put a huge rift in your marriage; ugh.  May God bless you in your decision.

Thank you to everyone for all your beautiful comments! After reading them all, it seems to me that marriage is never black and white, and no matter how hard you try to do the right thing while you’re discerning whether or not you should marry someone, it never assures a great marriage. I am currently in a serious relationship with a wonderful guy who has a huge heart, is extremely loyal to me and his family, and is very honest. I love him very much, and want to spend the rest of my life with him, however, there have been some things holding me back. He’s not sure if he wants a family, and he’s not catholic. After reading some people’s posts, it seems that those things aren’t necessarily deal breakers as long as you pray for God’s guidance and grace, however, I still feel unsure sometimes if I would be making a mistake by marrying him. Any advice?

@Anon - I have heard wonderful things about the Christian book, “The Love Dare” (by Stephen and Alex Kendrick) for challenging married couples to rekindle their relationships.

From Amazon.com “The Love Dare, as featured in the popular new movie Fireproof (from the makers of Facing the Giants), is a 40-day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love. Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, The Love Dare is a journey you need to take. It’s time to learn the keys to finding true intimacy and developing a dynamic marriage. Take the dare!”

God bless you and yours!

I’m sorry, but could anybody please explain to me what is wrong with contraception? I am talking about condoms,not the pill (I am against the pill) Everybody I ever grew up with uses contraception…whether my direct family, bigger family, or friends… and I never knew the church is against it, until I read about it on a Catholic blog this year. I have a Catholic (guy) friend who explained that it stands in the way of natural things. But I still believe NFP is like Catholic Contraception, though many say it isn’t. I myself do no use contraception since I practice abstinence, but still, for the future??? Simcha could you please write an article explaining the whole issue of contraception, or just maybe a little reply please? thank you. And I don’t mean to sound rude or judging, but everybody here seems to have more than 5 kids. I myself absolutely ADORE kids, but doesn’t it show that NFP doesn’t work? (I am really trying hard to get my point without sounding like an abortionist who saves trees before kids) And one last question, how do you guys pay to raise your kids? I mean what about jobs, some time out, money, etc…? Thank you, I appreciate your help, and again I am not judging, I am honestly inquiring!!

Hello Jacob’s Favorite,

You have a lot of points, and I’ll take a stab at a few.

What’s wrong with contraception?  From my point of view, a couple takes God out of the picture. According to the Couple to Couple League, NFP is 99,4% effective when used correctly. My husband and I have used it to space our children and more imporantly, to pinpoint my fertile times so that we could conceive our wonderful gifts from God- ages 13, 11, 9, and 6. We’d love more!

God’s first command to us was to be fruitful and multiply, fav., not contracept and sterilize yourselves.  Much of the US is what I’d call in a contraceptive mentality- they put things before family. Before 1930 no Christian church or sect believed that birth control was a good in marriage, and certainly not outside of marriage.

Birth control has made it much easier for men (and women) to have adulterous affairs by covering up their recreational sex. And when the birth control fail, there is always abortion to take care of the “mistake.”  Ergo, so many divorces!

50% of couples using birth control divorce, while less than 5% of couples using NFP divorce. I realize that NFP is the only deciding factor, but it does tell you about a lifestyle that doesn’t primarily revolve around accumulation of goods.

How do we pay for our children?  We get educations, work hard, AND PRAY! I was making more than my husband when I quit my job to stay home with the children and take care of Grandma. God has blessed us, and 6 yrs. later, we’re almost up to our combined salary of before. Plus, I can focus on my family and our lives are less stressful.

I realize that stay-at-home momhood isn’t for everyone, but it has worked for us.

Hope this helps some.

@Jacob’s Favorite:  I don’t think I’m equal to the task of explaining the whole issue of contraception, but there are many excellent resources out there - just search for “contraception” and “Catechism of the Catholic Church,” or check out what Jimmy Akin or Janet Smith have to say (sorry, I’m writing fast and don’t have time to hunt up links - but there is a huge amount of very accessible information out there). 

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I think I can give you a quick explanation of the difference between condoms and periodic abstinence (NFP), though, which may or may not help. 

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We all know that food is for nourishment and for enjoyment, right?  It’s a good thing to enjoy our food, but if we eat more than we need for nourishment, there will be physical consequences, i.e., fat people.

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If you want to avoid those physical consequences, you can either (a) stop eating when you’ve had enough; or (b) eat and eat and eat, and then stick your finger down your throat before all those calories have a chance to hit your bloodstream.  Sorry, I know it’s gross!

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So, if we want to avoid conception, we can (a) not have sex during fertile times.  We can still enjoy sex, but we understand that we have to limit ourselves, or else there will be some physical consequences; or we can (b) use a condom, so we can enjoy all the pleasures of sex but dodging the normal physical consequences of intercourse. 

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We are all grossed out at the idea of making ourselves vomit so as not to gain weight, but nobody is grossed out at the idea of wearing a condom so as not to conceive.  Why not?  If we have really internalized the idea that sex is intended for procreation as well as for pleasure, then the idea of condoms would disgust us. Condoms only make sense if we accept the idea that sex is mainly about pleasure, and that conception is an added benefit which we can occasionally make use of.  With NFP, we understand that sex and fertility go together, and are grateful that God designed our bodies in such a way that sex is sometimes available to us purely for pleasure and/or union (during the infertile times of the month).

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While it’s true that many NFP-using Catholics have big families, the reason for this is not so simple as “NFP doesn’t work.” 

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One factor is that faithful Catholics are far more disposed to see children as a blessing anyway.  I know many families who *planned* to have lots and lots of children, and don’t see their family size as a failure in any way—just the contrary. 

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I also know families who started out determined to use NFP to limit their family size to one or two kids, but who gradually changed their attitude over the course of their marriage, and had more children. 

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I also know many NFP-using families who, intentionally or not, have few or no children.  They are probably just less likely to talk about it in a public forum, since it’s common to have a small family; whereas people with larger families are often eager to talk about it.

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Another reason NFP-users tend to have more children is that contracepting couples also experience unexpected pregnancies, but are more likely to abort than NFP-using couples.  So the number of unexpected pregnancies in the two groups may be closer than you think, but there’s a bigger gap when you compare family size.  If you wanted no kids, took the Pill, and conceived anyway, it would not be a huge leap to just erase the mistake; whereas if you are practicing NFP and conceive accidentally, you might not be thrilled about it, but the possibility of an abortion is very far outside the mindset of most NFP-users.

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A third factor is that—yeah, NFP can be tricky.  It’s not Catholic contraception, so expecting it to work in the same way as actual contraception is not reasonable.  Some people who practice NFP have great success in planning their family exactly how they hoped; others find the system more unwieldy and frustrating, but are ultimately glad to have their children, whether they expected them or not; and still others are very unhappy with their lives, and find NFP to be a pure cross.  We don’t do it because it’s a perfect system; we do it because we live in a fallen world, and it’s the system the follows God’s will more closely than anything else.

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(NOTE TO those who don’t use contraception OR NFP:  I don’t mean to imply that all Catholics must use NFP.  I was only comparing NFP and contraception, since that is what the commenter asked about. 

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As for the money question, I have not figured that one out yet.  Hope to get it straightened out before my baby (#9) is born.  Fingers crossed!

It’s really simple.  Men are not marrying because the risk is not nearly worth the reward.  The chances are great that you could lose your house, your assets, your income, and your children to a woman who poisons your own children against you.  To top it off, he loses the lions share of his income for the next two decades to his ex wife, and therefore cannot save for retirement, that is if he can manage to stay out of debtor’s prison.  When he finally comes out from under the debt burden in his mid 40’s, it’s too late to save for retirement.  The chances are better than even that he will live most of his adult life, and die, in poverty, while his own children are systematically poisoned against him.  This is not the exception in the US today, this scenario is the norm.  Nothing is worth that risk.

Hey, thank you both for your reply. I’m sorry I couldn’t answer you earlier, I was abroad, and I could rarely get internet there.
@lisieux: Yes I understand the devastating effects of contraception on modern society, but isn’t that also the effect of the absence of God? I mean, if I were to use contraception, and if it were to fail, any child is welcome, but it would help us have an easier life (in my opinion). Having 3 kids instead of 7 is really helpful no? More time, less expenses, less fatigue, etc….?? And this is exactly my problem… I am the kind who would hate to stay at home, I WANT to work. Plus, I am going into medicine, which is around 10 years here, so I can’t waste those years to stop working later, and I can’t expect or force my husband to do that! (ok we are going here into asking you to plan my family life, but you see the problem) I could manage taking care of a certain number of kids, but to think of myself taking care of 7 for example is scary!
@simcha: ok, what you said about abortion following unplanned conception was very interesting, I never thought about that. I don’t know, maybe it looks scarier and “hard lifestyle” to me being so out of contact with it. I do not “personally” know any couple who uses NFP, though I know many people who used or are pro-abortion. I am also very far from a sexual life or founding families now as well. I don’t know, Lisieux’s advice to pray is probably the best one at the moment, so that I may understand these ways. Anyway, congratulation on your new baby Mrs. Fisher, and God bless both your families.
@NoThanx: Wow, what kind of women and families have you met in your life?? All the women I know have been AMAZING role models of humility and sacrifice, it is actually the men that have been completely ungrateful dictators, but that is probably the Arabian environment I come from where single women’s kids are still called “!@#$%”. The generation my age have been very fruitful in both amazing men and women. Actually more with the men, being the more conservative and respectful ones I know. funny world!!

I never understood the rationale of dating for “fun.”  It seems like about as much “fun” as a mouse would have in a cat’s clutches.

Mr. Informer, just remember, the last shall be first and the first shall be last…

Nick: and yet we have several examples here of people who were introduced to the beauty of the Church through their spouses and are now, it appears, solidly on board.  Would that have happened otherwise?  Hard to say.  It’s not that these scenarios don’t have very real and formidable challenges, but there is a world of difference between marrying someone who is receptive, open, curious, respectful, etc. and marrying someone who is adamantly anti-Catholic.  I forget in which book of Paul it was said that an unbelieving spouse could be sanctified through the believing one.  He didn’t by any means encourage wishful thinking, but hey, it’s possible and there are apparently even some raving successes.

NoThanx: oh yes it is worthwhile.  We are a people of hope, not despair; and why not?  If our savior prince rose from the dead, I think we can have some successful marriages.  In the face of overwhelming odds, the daring make up their minds to love more radically and give themselves more generously…precisely because it seems so improbable…