Not too long ago I, too, had a lot of resentment towards my husband for being able to leave the house.
I used to wait for him and every minute he was a minute later than usual I would try my best not to freak out and ask questions like, “Did you stop somewhere?”, etc.
As my kids grow, I find that I am too busy to notice the exact minute he comes home and whether it’s 2 minutes later than the day before.  I have a part time job myself which also keeps me busy and I see the silly things that hold me up in making me a few minutes late here or there.  I can also, now, put myself in HIS shoes and see the great sacrifice he makes for our family everyday by faithfully getting up and going to work while I’m still lying in bed.
I wouldn’t suggest this last part but, I think I have also lowered expectations of myself.  My house is not as clean, dinner isn’t always on time or even made so, since I’m not so perfect, I don’t expect him to be either.
When I look back, I see I was being really needy and I hate that I was that way! I think having one’s own interests and activities separate from the home really helps.

Chip away, chip away, keep coming back, keep coming back—these are the secrets to life. It’s all about enduring and gradual improvement. I can’t change myself into a divine being in a day, but I can do it over time. I hope. If I keep coming back to it.

Thanks for another great post.

Another article that I feel was written for me…exactly what I needed to hear today.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Smicha. :)

All these years later, it’s hard for me to remember the little resentments I had when I was a new wife and mother.  I changed.    I wish I could pinpoint exactly when and how I changed, but I can’t.  Somewhere along the way, we turned into a great team.

Simcha, I’m single and plan to remain single.  Even so, I get a lot out of your articles.  There are truths there for everyone.  I remember going to confession for the first time in about 10 years, leaving and thinking, “This is the Sacrament of Healing?  I don’t feel any different—I don’t feel cleansed or relieved or any of those things.”  But the Lord kept chipping away, even when I got frustrated repeating the same sin(s) over and over.  St. Francis de Sales said something like, “If you spend your hour of prayer fighting off distractions, it’s an hour well spent.”  I’ve found that it’s a narrow road because we walk the line between the recognition of our sinfulness and imperfection and the recognition of our dignity as a child of God who is fully and completely loved.  It’s all a process and the simplest messages like, “Keep at it” are also the truest.

Thank you SO much for acknowledging that resentment is a legitimate struggle. I feel like many Catholic moms are so concerned with making their stay at home life look glorious, they aren’t honest with how hard it can be. I need to hear that other couples struggle and their marriages are stronger for it.

For something to look forward to, what I found was that although I love my children with every fiber of my being, I love them even more now that they are older and can take of themselves, mostly.  It’s hard to admit it when they’re small because moms of young ones really *do* love and cherish their kids.  But when you’ve had some breathing room, some space and a good chunk of yourself back after they’ve grown, you realize you have let out a sigh of relief that comes from the depths of your very soul. 

Well, at least I did. 

I made it through; I have myself back.  I’m a competent, desirable, intelligent, adult woman for my husband now, with all this found time.  That woman was there the whole time, but it was if she was in a fog she was mostly unaware of.  She only surfaced at rare times, when I made heroic efforts to find her. 

I relish this time of my life now and I almost can’t believe how much happier I am.  Part of that happiness, I think, comes precisely from looking back over those damned near impossible years, because, hey, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!  You don’t quite phrase it like that while you’re living it, but I wish I really trusted back then that the temporariness of it would make it all good.

Wow, well said!  and very true about raising children, too.  If something doesn’t work right away, you don’t switch to something else, and then something else, and then something else, and then say, “I’ve tried everything!  It’s hopeless!”

Inspired!  (Mrs. Fisher: You write great stuff.  All the time.)

Perseverance is a gift of the Holy Spirit we should all ask for, and take!

Mercifully, resentment isn’t an issue in my house, but this idea of keep coming back applies to so many things, not just resentment.

Here’s a thought: When someone is talking to us and just mumbling and not paying attention it’s hard for us to listen to them.  But, when we mumble through our prayers to God, in His Mercy, I think that He still hears us perfectly well.  He still gives us some undeserved “credit” for at least trying.  Amazing really.

One thing I’d add would be for both spouses to make a much more concerted effort to communicate with each other. It makes it much easier to work as a team and understand each other if there aren’t assumptions being made. My husband had to learn to tell me things even if before he might not have thought they mattered enough to tell me. I had to learn to tell my husband how I was feeling and couldn’t assume he would know why I was feeling a certain way.

I remember feeling exactly the same thing about my husband - “I wonder if he realizes how lucky he is that he can go to the bathroom by himself?”  I felt the same sort of resentment until one day when I mentioned it to him and he asked me if I wanted his life and his job.  Then I realized that I would absolutely hate it - sitting in an office, making endless phone calls and talking nonstop.  My perspective changed when I appreciated that he had struggles too, and I was comparing the worst parts of my day with the best parts of his, which isn’t a really fair comparison.

I agree with Sarah. I still deal with resentment, like last night when I was dealing with nursing a newborn and gritting my teeth from sore nipples, but then when I think about trading places with my husband, I’m more thankful about staying home. He’s a very involved dad but still, he only gets to see them for a few hours in the evening, whereas I’m blessed to be with them all day (and yes, it is a blessing, when I stop my inner whining).

“Keep coming back” is said to me regularly by a bunch of people who know intimately the value of humble perseverance in overcoming great hardships. 

Thank you for adding to the chorus!

What a beautiful post, and timely as it is so close to Valentine’s Day. It’s so nice to hear someone who can admit that while they are happy, that doesn’t mean that they have the magic formula or that relationships with God or spouse come easily!

Oh! I NEEDED to read this today and I didn’t even know it!

Resentment can be the little moth that ruins all your sweaters!

One thing I’ve learned is that we also need to pray for ourselves (for understanding, for help in the areas that we struggle with - like resentment, etc.)... I’ve found, after the fact, that in some instances it’s my heart that needed changing, and not my husband’s.

Don’t get me wrong, I think all of the other ideas are great, and we should definitely be praying for our husbands as well; but sometimes I, at least, tend to end up praying a little too much for my husband’s change of mind the way I want to see it happen, and not necessarily towards whatever God’s will is in that instance.

Ah ha!  You really ARE married ;).  I’m a relatively new reader.  Great post on the reality of married life and communication!

I think that for men, the process of being (how to call it?) “tethered” (?)is much, much more gradual.  I don’t mean to sound disrespectful by saying “tethered”, or “bound”.  It reminds me of when Jesus told Peter that he would indeed be bound and led where he didn’t want to go.  This is the fate of all who choose love.  For the first-time mother, it can be earth shattering, because her baby comes suddenly into this world, on one fateful day, with needs and wants, 24-7.  It is nearly devastating.  Thank God if she is open to it, an equally intense love makes the yoke bearable.  We realize that our old self is gone forever, almost from one day to the next. The father of this child (children) has more “escape routes” so to speak, when confronted with this loss of self, even if they concern his duties.  His ability as a man, to consciously be “bound” is, in my experience a much slower process.
.
Theology of the Body speaks so beautifully of human love, which at it’s pinnacle is a perfect union of hearts, minds and bodies. Even if we are deeply in love at the altar, who can say that they perfectly achieved this level of union on their wedding night?
.
Your reader who spoke of resentment of her husband already has so much in her favor in that she PRAYS with him twice a day.  I grieve for the years in my marriage where this daily practice fell to the wayside.  A thousand other “insisting” wants and needs eroded this vital practice.  Efficiency, or worldly achievements should never replace spirituality. This sounds like a no-brainer, but how many of us have fooled ourselves,(with some help from below) allowing things to get out of order by saying: “Everything will be better, if I can just give it my all to get to that legitimate ledge, over THERE, where I can catch my breath, and than I’ll fix the leaky roof of my spiritual house when I can rest.” JP2 said that the opposite of love is not *hate*—it is *indifference*.  When we feel beaten down, and are wearied by life and its accompanying financial demands we can become disheartened by past confrontations, with our husband, that have had poor outcomes.  We can become tempted to “make due”, and roll with the punches just until we can get to that safe “ledge”. This is the beginning of a very insidious disease.  A kind of “silt” of resentment starts to build up, covering the heart and the tenderness that is necessary to have a true union with one’s husband/wife. “Openness” fades.
.
My marriage reminds me of childbirth.  I had settled in at “stage 2” of labor for a lifetime.  I was resigned.  My marriage reminded me of what I had seen in my own parents’ enduring alliance. (My husband’s family had disintegrated) I had begun to forget who my beloved husband was, and had been.  A veritable death of that vital intensity and of that formerly blazing (untempered)fire of our youth had set in.  Something was wrong, and I had an inkling of it,but I didn’t know my way out of the cavern I’d found myself diverted to. My prayers before had focused so much more on material things. I gradually began to pray with increasing insistence and intensity to the Holy Spirit, and to Saint Joseph.  My initial attempts at reconnecting in shared prayer, floundered. I began to expose my wounded heart to my husband. It was a start, but ingrained bad habits are heard to overcome.  In childbirth, “transition” is inevitable, it’s this kind of damned if you do, and damned if you don’t, agony.  But without this upheaval, your body won’t open up and bring forth life.
.
I wish we’d had the wisdom not to get lost in the first place, and of course, SO MUCH has to do with the “blueprint” of marriage that both husband and wife receive from their parents, but I can say with amazed honesty that God answered our prayers. It took the upheaval of “transition”. My husband and I left that dark valley of resentments forever.  It is never what God intended for us.
.
I’m not trying to paint a “happily ever after” ending, and we continue to speak to a wise priest who helped us out of that dark valley.  Now we share a love and single mindedness that inspires a deep awe in me.  The intensity of physical love literally shocks me.  It IS a prayer. I had never thought this was possible.  I would have been too cynical to be convinced. And to think, I had almost settled in at “stage 2” for a lifetime.
.
Everyone must suffer their own agony; a painful chipping away that Simcha speaks of. That “becoming a new woman” (man) that she wrote about in her beautiful letter to the “mother of one”, can be a painful birth.  I wish a more serene “birth” for others. It is difficult to look back over one’s shoulder, but we must, so we don’t flounder in our past mistakes, and for the sake of trying to illuminate the path for others.
.
There is no “secret formula”.  The sacraments of the church, her ancient prayers, and a willingness (humility)to confront one’s own self is all that is needed.
.
Daily prayer from the heart with your spouse, hands intertwined, at each others’ service, is monumental. The love you can experience with your spouse on a daily basis will astound you.

Amen and amen.  Perhaps that becomes our Lenten sacrifice?  Becoming stonemasons to our hearts, chipping, chipping away…

Having a bit of knowledge of woodwork from my brothers who do it, they often have to sharpen their tools and change tools altogether to be truly effective.

Such is married life - we are still working on our masterpiece, so to speak, so we need to make sure our tools are kept sharp and make sure we are using the right tool for the task.  Whining never works, while confession is always useful.

I’m another SAHM who thinks you wrote this article just for me. Thank you!! I realize I’m not alone and that helps. Also, it helps me to remember my 10 years working in Corporate America (I married late) and how much I wished I was doing something meaningful and satisfying. When I have tough days with the kids, I realize that I’m blessed to do the very thing I wished I could do when I was a career woman and how I wouldn’t trade places with my husband for anything in the world.

Beautiful! And Corita ~ hey, yah! Work it ‘cause you’re worth it.

@Tiffany and Corita - I thought of the same thing. :)

Here’s the perspective of a husband and a dad.

Some days, work is satisfying and rewarding. Most days, it’s a tedious exercise in balancing outrageous demands, insatiable clients and hyper-competitive colleagues. All of this occurs with the constant possibility of cutbacks that send men home to tell their wives and children that the job is gone, along with the money and the house. I have never worn that responsibility comfortably - it’s a terrible burden. (Simcha, I could imagine that your husband worked late because the guy in the next office worked even later, or his client wanted it yesterday, not tomorrow.)

Many times I have come home after a grueling day at work to find resentment permeating my home like a rotten odor. No peace at work; no peace at home. But the next morning I’m up at 6:00 and on my way to do it again. I’m the dad - it’s my job. My consolation comes solely from St. Joseph, that scarcely mentioned, almost forgotten man who did his job, every day.

The only thing I’d add is: Chip away because, in the long run, it’s worth it. We were married in 1971.

This is true for so many things:
“And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap if we faint not.”  Galatians 6:9

Mom Motto: I live to give [of myself]
My question to readers: How do you balance the desire to be appreciated for what you accomplish in your vocation as a wife and mother with the desire to be a gracious servant? I want my spouse to appreciate all the hats I wear, but I know that a servant’s heart shouldn’t require this.

Thanks, Simmy.  A comment from your reader Sarah caught my eye:

“he asked me if I wanted his life and his job.  Then I realized that I would absolutely hate it - sitting in an office, making endless phone calls and talking nonstop.”

I smiled at her view of his life, which seemed like something drawn from a 50’s movie.  That’s not a man’s job, or life.  In some circumstances, that is the outward manifestation of it, but not its essence.  What is a man’s professional lot in life?

It’s the continuous graveling of the guts attendant to the incessant friction generated by people not bound by love and affection, who you don’t think are cute and lovable, in close proximity to one another engaged in a common project—conflicting thoughts, wills, agenda’s, morals, hopes and dreams for one’s family, career, etc.—that occupies you, sometimes to the point of obsession.

It’s the continually having to justify your worth on a day-to-day basis—forget what you’ve done for the organization or anyone; that’s yesterday; this is today, and plans for tomorrow can easily exclude you—that challenges you and makes you surly. 

Then, you get to come home from work and deal with your wife’s impenetrable feelings.  And, let’s not forget the children and their issues.

But, it’s more than that:

Let’s not forget the Sisyphusian task of rolling the family’s stone towards stability and security so that your wife and children can enjoy the space they need to grow and flourish in the family, and outside of it.  Men get to protect their women and children from a world of predation that they know nothing about due to his efforts.  It can hurt to have this overlooked, and to be slighted for what a man doesn’t do.

Often enough these days, the threat to your family comes from a different type of woman altogether from your stay-at-home wife—ambitious; educated; pedigreed and pedicured; often unprincipled; tossing her sexuality around with attitude; armed with the power of law, culture, media and public opinion to take everything you’ve got because it’s somehow hers by right; someone you can’t fight by normal rules without being branded or sued, but one who can fight you by any rules and with a bag of tricks that seem out of place at work—that makes you cringe whenever you hear that some woman, somewhere, is not satisfied by something.  Your wife gets identified with that by species, and sometimes by sister-sympathy.

Sometimes, all of this makes you resent your wife for not seeing, minimally, that it’s in her own self-interest, and the children’s, to support you rather than punish you with her moods or words for what you don’t understand about her day.  We’re all looking for Donna Reed in “Its a Wonderful Life”: understanding, hard-working, ferociously devoted, in love until the day she dies.  There’s a little George Bailey in all of us.

At the end of the day, you’re right, and so is your reader.  You commit to your marriage, which is a gift from God specially designed for you, warts and all.  You pray, keep working at it, pray some more, keep working at it some more.  And, over time, you decrease, and Jesus increases, just like St. Paul says.

Men and women alike learn to forgive and forget, which might surprise many women.  We pray to God to show us where we are wrong when we resent our spouses.  We ask for the grace not to be selfish.  We avail ourselves of the sacraments. 

Then we kick back, and enjoy the gifts of love, marriage, children, in a word, marriage.  And, life is good, despite communication deficiencies, misunderstandings, resentments and the like.  We have much to be thankful for if home live spares us the agonies of betrayal, treachery, brute inconsideration, and even malice: something providers face outside of the home on daily basis.

Wannabe Mary,

There is nothing wrong with wanting glory for what you do, but when you do the things you do for the glory, that is when it becomes vainglory.

I’d use some psychology, go to your husband and thank him lavishly for his appreciation of how you work hard as a wife and mother. Give a dog a good name that he can live up to. :)

I find that the words “I’m sorry” when they are earnest, are particularly powerful.

Another home run. Keep knocking them out of the park, Simcha!

@Dad, your perspective is the one that I think most married women forget.  Thanks so much for giving it!  Moms may not feel that they get enough “thank yous” for what they do at home but how many times have they thanked their husbands for dealing with what THEY deal with out in the world?  Some women feel that just by giving birth and caring for the home, they have thanked their husbands enough.  I suppose men could feel that by going out and holding down a less than satisfying job, they too are thanking their wives enough.  This article and the discussions of many wives seem to center around what their husbands aren’t doing, what they wish their husbands would do, etc.  How many times have they really discussed with other wives what wives could do for their husbands?  As someone who has married peers (wives) and who works with many husbands, I can say that women tend to focus on what’s “wrong” with their husbands in their day-to-day discussions.  Men, on the other hand, rarely say anything negative about their wives out in the workplace.  They just bear it all silently.  Maybe they are praying also for their wives to, at some point, understand that they are dealing with the demands of home and the demands of the world.  Sure they would like to put home first at all times but they usually don’t have the luxury of doing that.  If they do, they will most likely lose their jobs and then their wives would TRULY find out what a difference a working husband is making even if he isn’t home on time for dinner.

LH—Perfect summation!  I copied and forwarded the Dad’s comment to my married children and in-laws.  Men don’t usually open up to their deep concerns about their role as fathers, husbands, and their life as “wage slaves” once they marry.  It’s good for young mothers to hear because when they are sleepless, drowning in child care, and the monotonous drudgery of housework, they romanticize their husbands’ freedom to walk out the door.  Both parties have a hard time when there are very young children (and even teenagers) at home.  Life is hard, period.  Lots of years of marriage and sometimes exchanging roles in emergencies gives each sex a deeper appreciation of the others’ lot.

Marriage gets sweeter, the longer one persists.  It also gets closer to one being left alone; maybe that realization also helps to make the relationship sweeter.

Another cure for resentful thoughts is to give thanks. After reading the book, One Thousand Gifts, I began to “obey” God’s voice in Scripture : in all things, give thanks.  What a difference it has made in our marriage!

BTW thanks for making me laugh aloud!!!