Oh, aren’t I lucky? Last year, I got to write a post on Good Friday. This year, it’s Valentine’s Day. Different decor, same general atmosphere: suffering and tears, remorse and reparations. At least on Good Friday, you don’t have a bunch of single people watching you suffer and saying, “Oh my gosh, you’re so lucky!”
Cream of tartar! Semiconductors! Onomatopoeia! Gerbil bedding! Notary public! Joint compound! Abstract expressionism! Borscht!
That was me, trying to think of something, anything, to write about other than Valentine’s Day. What do I know about Valentine’s Day, anyway? It’s taken me most of my married life to admit that there’s not really anything wrong with women who like flowers, and it’s taken me another full year to admit that I’m actually one of them.
And yet here we are.
Well, from my meager mental resources, by which I mean that I just made 84 cupcakes, each with its own Froot By the Foot rosebud and I’m kind of tired and possibly a little bit drunk on icing, I can offer you this:
FIVE TIPS ON HOW TO DATE YOUR WIFE
1. Practice your pick up lines.
But I’m already married! Why in the name of Cryil and Methodius do I have to worry about pick up lines? you may ask yourself. And then you may make some stupid joke about how you won’t be picking up your wife any time soon because your insurance doesn’t cover hernia surgery, and so on. This is the wrong route to take.
What your wife wants to hear is something that shows that you don’t take her for granted—something that invites her to look at you with new eyes, rather than assuming she might as well have a paper bag over her head, as long as all the rest of the parts are in the right place.
Try something with equal parts romance and danger, such as, “Hey, baby, I’m feeling very . . . open to life tonight.” It’s possible that she will pick up the first heavy object available and try to bash your head in with it, but at least you will get a reaction, which means you’re halfway there.
2. Compliment her looks.
If a woman is home with a bunch of kids all day long, she knows that if she steps out of the house, all the men on the street are going to see one thing: a mess. A saggy-bellied, baggy-eyed, slump-shouldered, spit up-caked, used-up, milk-smelling, mom-haired mess.
What you need to do to win her heart and put a spring back into her step is to let her know that you don’t see her that way. You know her heart, and you see the grace and loveliness that will always be there. So you can try something like, “Have I told you how nice your abdominal muscles look, all separated like that?” or “I think women with one shoulder that’s lower than the other one are the sexiest ones in the world, don’t you?”
3. Spend lavishly.
Show her you think she’s worth it. Take my word for it, she’ll know she’s dealing with a prince among men when she sees you lay that money down. “Darlin’,” you can say with youthful impetuousness, “let’s go ahead and pay the electric bill on time this month—how’d that be? Sky’s the limit, or up until 40 kilowatt hours, whichever comes first” Swoon!
4. Ply her with cocktails.
Okay, you may actually have to slow her down on this one. It could be cute to offer little jests such as, “Slow down, little girl—that’s no shirley temple!” Then you can have a good laugh, as long as it doesn’t interfere with you getting Mama some more ice.
5. Heat things up with an intimate shower.
And by intimate, I mean just her. She hasn’t washed her hair in, like, five weeks, and she doesn’t even get to check on how her mustache is coming along without answering a lot of stupid questions. Stand in front of the door with a rifle, if necessary, but DO NOT LET ANYONE ELSE IN THE BATHROOM. Remember: 40 kilowatt hours. You promised.
Gentlemen, you can thank me later. Right after you go get Mama some more ice.
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Just me…alone with my drinkie-poo IN the steamy shower…that’s so beautiful…is that a tear forming? Happy St. Valentine’s Day!
Thanks for the laugh! I really needed it today.
Great morning laugh!!! Thanks!!!
Hahaha!
This… was… awesome!
“I’m feeling very…open to life” and “Have I told you how nice your abdominal muscles look, all separated like that?”
Thank you for the good laugh as I head home after working the night shift.
My husband does #5 - and if he thinks I’m rushing because I can hear the kids screaming he yells “take your time! everything is fine out here!!” and I do take my time!
Shower! NOT! A long soak in the extra long tub with a glass of bubbly and a good book. Bottle of bubbly within reach. Aaaah.
Well, your #5 could be my #8 or 9th good reason to get my shotgun back from her dad, heh.
Way too funny! Best St. Valentine’s Day present ever! My husband got me chocolate wine…I’m 30 weeks along in my pregnancy. Ugghh.
You should have put a warning on this one. My 3-year just - ahem - “tossed her cookies” all over the kitchen and I decided I had to steel myself with a cup of coffee and some blogs to garner strength to deal with it.
I had just taken a big gulp of coffee when I got to the “one shoulder lower than the other” line and nearly sustained scalding burns and damage to my lap top.
I don’t know how you do it. You’re so funny. Happy Valentine’s Day.
This made my day! Thank you!
This was perfect. Considering that we’re starting off Valentine’s Day here incredibly sleep deprived, thanks to a seven month old infant who is going through separation anxiety (only at night, though), I think I’m ahead of the game since my 11 year old watched the aforementioned baby so I could get a shower. I win!
this is amazing. It would be even better if my husband didn’t leave it open on my computer for me to wake up to this morning. ;) But hey, I can get on board with this!
Ha! So good!
“It’s taken me most of my married life to admit that there’s not really anything wrong with women who like flowers, and it’s taken me another full year to admit that I’m actually one of them.”
I darn near jumped out of my chair shouting “Yes!” at these lines. But I didn’t because it would have scared the baby to death. I work holidays in a floral department. I didn’t get home until midnight last night finishing up other women’s flowers and darned if I didn’t wish one of them was for me! My poor husband has no idea. We decided when the first of our 8 babies started coming (in 1984) that we weren’t going to exchange gifts between us because we needed the money for the kids. I have changed my mind, but I don’t know quite how to tell him. I have spent a lot of time telling him how wasteful flowers are. They die, you can’t eat them, blah, blah, blah. Oh, well. Maybe next year.
Are you saying Carbon-14 won’t work?
thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!!
Sharon - my husband and I don’t exactly do gifts for Valentine’s either, but I get him his favorite candy and he picks out a lovely potted plant for me. They cost less than arrangements, last longer, and even if they die eventually from my lack of a green thumb it is nice to get flowers on V-day. Just an idea?
Thanks for the laughs, Simcha!
Oh, my gosh, Simcha, I can hardly breathe I’m laughing so hard. Best part is the shower. Although I’m not sure that even an armed guard at the door would guarantee that no little people made it in there. There’s still the window, after all.
Simcha, you are a naughty, naughty, funny Valentine. Ha ha, I had my abdominal muscle bands sewn back together-and got insurance to pay for it as a “hernia” operation,—and then had four more babies. Heh. At some point in my curdled-milk-soaked-career, something snapped,I decided that NOTHING, NOBODY, NADA was going to get in the way of my morning shower! An infant seat became a semi permanent piece of the bathroom furniture. Alas, then some of my unruly crowd turned into teenagers as well. That’s when I added the evening shower to wash off the DAY. (Did someone say “intemperance”?—Isn’t all that steam good for the baby’s nasal passages?) Door pounders are dealt with swiftly and ruthlessly. As for the water bill..? I don’t look. I refuse to look at ANY of the bills. I suppose I’m saving my husband money—by not having to see a therapist—other than my shower therapy and “Charles Shaw”, who can be found at Trader Joe’s for two bucks. That’s who we’re bringing on our Valentine date tonight. “Two-buck-Chuck” on the beach at sunset. Ahhh, can’t wait. Couldn’t ask for more.
I’m sorry but married women aren’t allowed to complain about Valentine’s day… unless you’re taking a single woman out for lunch!!
I don’t want flowers or candy… a hug and a kiss would be nice. A husband would be even better.
Laughing so, so hard right now.
Simcha: If Suz and I ever have you over to the house, I will show you the cartoon I drew recently involving her, a shower and a bathroom door. That is all.
I love this! Thank you for mustering up the strength to write about Valentines Day and to actually making relevant for so many married couples out there, especially the moms. Thanks for making me laugh so hard today! This SAHM needed it. God bless!!
After a particularly bad day and subsequent angry give and take with my husband, I finally admitted to him that I wished he would bring me flowers now and then, just for no reason other than he’s thinking of me. I told him it would mean so much if he could only read my mind like that!
Since they CAN’T read our minds, I’ve taken to calling him from the floral department of the grocery store, asking him if he wants to buy me some flowers that day, or sending a kid to him with a bouquet that I picked up, so he can present it to me. I’ve even added it to his half of the grocery list.
@Renae—I don’t think she’s complaining here. I think she’s finding the humor in what REALLY makes married women happy.
#5 is the best thing on the planet.
OH MY GOSH I AM NEVER GOING TO STOP LAUGHING ABOUT “IN THE NAME OF STS CYRIL AND METHODIUS.”
Best. Post. EVER
If they ever make a movie of your life I hope Carol Kane plays Simcha Fisher!
Oh, I needed a good laugh just now. Thank you ever so much!
@ Renae—praying for that today…at your risk sister :) Happy Valentines. “XO”
@ Jan - I took the early line of single people saying, “Gosh, you’re so lucky.” as a way of saying she didn’t feel she was so much.
Anyone who has ever had another say to them, “I want to spend all the days of my life with you.” is lucky and blessed.
.
@Anna - thank you. That is very sweet.
Sharon, I laughed out loud at your comment and my husband asked what was so funny. I read him your post. He hugged me and said, “I owe you some flowers.”
While I wouldn’t trade my life for anything, sometimes I wish I could talk to the past, single me, moping around on Valentine’s Day, and say, “Celebrate today by sleeping through the night!”
I get tired of the “at least you’re married” comments. We all have our crosses—and our blessings. Bear your crosses and enjoy your blessings. Neither will last forever!
For everyone writing, “this is so funny”. It’s not funny. This isn’t a joke. This is real life.
Loved it.
@Mary this-isn’t-funny-it’s-real-life: well, isn’t it both?
anna lisa: Who do I have to see to get a sewing-up operation of my own?
OK, I am crying… I am CRYING… I am laughing so hard, and peeing because there is a baby stomping on my bladder and I also need the hernia surgery (as well as several others.) I am sorry, but there needs to be some sort of award for this kind of humor. Simcha, I am totally reposting this!! To my hubby’s credit, he DID stop at a very large, very annoying, very gruelling superstore for groceries for me last night… Yeah, baby, we are at THAT level of love and commitment. And ‘very open to life.’ LOL!!!!!!!
Corita, I wouldn’t recommend it. I still shudder at the memory. I think I was just jealous over how much we spend on keeping our stupid cars perfect.
Priceless! LOL is so overused, yet so appropriate for this post. to Thank you for sharing your gift with all of us. :)
tears streaming down!! haven’t laughed that loud while staring my laptop in a while!!
Thank you,
The given information is very effective.
I’ll keep updated with it.
Royal Orient
That was stupid….
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