Dear Nobody,

Here is my annual Thanksgiving Day “Dear Simcha” advice column! I hope and pray that, according to tradition, you (Nobody) will continue your so-far unbroken record of reading this post with the close attention it deserves.

***

Dear Simcha,

As you may know, yesterday was Walk-in Warrant Day at court, which means that lots of people who have a warrant out for their arrest turned themselves, hoping the judge would be reluctant to send someone to jail right before Thanksgiving.

I did this myself, and it worked like a charm, and I’m going home, instead of the lock-up. So, rather than spending the holiday trapped in a dim, drafty, funny-smelling building with a bunch of belligerent weirdos, I’m going to be able to go to my house, where I’ll be at . . . well, I’ll be with . . . I’ll be with . . .

You know, actually, do you know the name of a judge who’d be willing to show up on short notice and rescind my personal recognizance? I think I'd like to be held after all.

Signed,
Hold Me

 

Dear Hold:

Now, now. Even if your house isn’t a mansion and your home life isn’t like the Cleavers’, show a little gratitude! On this of all days, surely you can be thankful that you--



Dear Simcha,

Sorry to interrupt. Everyone in my house is voting for Trump, and they want to talk about it.

Signed,
Desperate



Dear Desperate:

Yeah, you can’t be there. You just can’t be there. Have you tried phoning in a bomb threat to the judge’s house?  That should get you out of that hell hole post haste. My prayers are with you in this difficult time.

***

Dear Simcha,

You look so awesome today. Is that a new haircut? It’s so flattering! I love it. Absolutely. Yeah! All right.

Hey, can I tell you something? I just started this new job, and I am over the moon in love with it. I actually get to make people happy for a living, isn’t that awesome?

I guess my question is, are you at all interested in feeling better, looking better, getting cleaner, getting stronger, feeling awesome energy and energetic awesomeness, and having plaid nails? And getting all the toxins out of your feet for good?  And also this amazing wrap that you wrap around your head and when you wake up in the morning, your double chin is gone and at the same time your breath is actually so pure that if you just breathe on things, they will be clean, Norwex? Does that interest you at all, and do you have 36 friends who are also interested? Text me!

Signed,
Let’s Be Friends!

 

Dear Let’s:

Can’t you just commit mail fraud like an honest person?

***

Dear Simcha,

You made pie. I see that you made pie. Pie. Pie. And you made things with cheese and things with onions and you made pie. Pie. I love you. I love you. I love you so much. LOVE ME.

Signed,
You Know Who

 

Dear You,

Get in your crate. I gave you kibble. You’re a dog, and you eat dog food. Don’t look at me like that. Why do you even think I’m going to give you any of this food? This is people food! I don’t slave away in the salt mines all week long just to spend my hard-earned cash on food that I’m going to throw to a dog! That’s not how this works! You have got another think coming if you think I’m going to give you any of this.

Why would I, even? What have you ever done for me? I trip over you, I clean up your unspeakable messes, I get in trouble with UPS because of your nonsense, and you smell like pickled death. Why would I even want to give you anything?

Fine. Here. Oh, you’re a good boy. Yes you are. Fine, have the whole pie. Yes, I made an extra one just for you. Now get out of my sight. I said I don’t like you!

Good boy.