St. Joseph loves you, Matthew Archbold. St. Joseph was “just there”

Exactly. My husband (current and same:) and I were divorced and separated for almost three years (including the dating again and much shorter engagement). It had a very painful effect on our daughters who are still talking through those pains at the ages of almost 22 and 19. Thankfully, they have also seen forgiveness and reconciliation, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about causing them so much pain. Excellent, excellent, excellent post.

I completely agree. My daughter in particular knows I could care less about softball and basketball but she is very insistent that we are there to witness her participation, even if it’s fairly brief. My kids have grown up with us just there…when lots of their friend’s parents were partying or engaged in social, school, or church work. And oddly enough, despite our house being the home with the greatest parental presence in the neighborhood, the kids congregate at our place. They don’t need to be entertained; but they take comfort, I think, in just knowing I’m there on the back porch reading and smoking a cigar, or sitting at the kitchen table surfing the net.

My husbands parents divorced when he was young.  My parents just celebrated their 59th wedding anniversary.  I pray everyday that the influence of my family will supersede this influence of his family.

Absolutely agree.Kids need security.One doesn’t need to be a perfect parent, just a parent who’s there as much as possible.

My parents broke up over 10 years ago.

It’s still the most traumatic event I’ve experienced in my life. I had some bits of clinical depression, some suicidal ideation. And those would have been worse had I not already been an adult, married, with a kid.

Crazy to think it doesn’t rip little kids’ guts out and leave them dysfunctional in not-immediately-apparent ways for a decade or two.

The fact that divorced parents are the single greatest predictor of earlier DEATH (by about five years on average, as I recall) is a bit of a giveaway.

Human beings are designed to be raised in families; even extended families. They are designed to be mothered by mothers and fathered by fathers and grandfathered by grandfathers and grandmothered by grandmothers and sistered by sisters and brothered by brothers and aunted by aunts and uncled by uncles. There is a small deprivation when a human person doesn’t receive one of those; there is a slightly sharper deprivation when they receive it and then it is suddenly taken away by the death of the family member.  But when one of these family members chooses to leave, and says “I can get along with you, but not this other person who loves you and is a part of you,” the result is scorching and scarring.

Speed the day when governments defend a child’s unalienable human right to be fathered by his father and mothered by his mother and family-ed by an intact family living in unity under the same roof. The casual no-fault divorces and serial monogamies of the West are merely grownups’ indulgence in arrested development and extended adolescence at the expense of their kids’ God-given intrinsic human right to their presence and their ongoing, teeth-gritting preservation of the familial unity.

Outstanding post. When my wife initiated our divorce more than 10 years ago the first thing I knew I needed to do was keep ties close to my children. I was glad to attend their Little League games and band concerts and school events and participate where I could(volunteer as a lousy umpire, etc).  CS Lewis was right when he said divorce was like amputation; losing that marriage was the single biggest failure of my life and the worst thing I ever went through. I went through the annulment process and was blessed to find a beautiful, kind woman to spend the rest of my life with. God was good to grant me a plan B though I didn’t think I’d need or even want one.

Christmas became the most important time in my new family. I was generous with gifts but far more generous with experiences and family meals and time together. It would take years of this to at least stand beside the heartbreaking final Christmas the children and I would have beside their mom. My heart goes out to anyone who has been hurt by divorce.

My parents got divorced after I was an adult. I would rather have had my mom happy as I was growing up than unhappy, as I felt she was emotionally withdrawn from me due to depression or unresolved issues or something (of course I didn’t analyze it like that as a young child). The funny thing is that after my mom and dad got divorced and they both remarried someone else, they both seemed much less happy, rather than happier. Funny how life works. I would never judge an individual couple pr person and their divorce, because there could be abuse, an invalid marriage, and a myriad of other things that are totally none of my business.  But if someone asked me, I would suggest if you are simply unhappy in your marriage, the first order of business is to get a medical check up and counseling…not only for the marriage but for one’s self. Sometimes we need to deal with past issues of abuse or grief or perhaps there is an unaddressed health issue. Just my humble opinions.  :)  Btw, I loved all that you said about being there for the kids!  :)

“I have no medical training, but I’ve been the first line of defense for…bee bites…” Was that deliberate comedy?

Sadly, I think as Matt points out, too many people in society want children to fulfill their own agenda.  I especially see this with the push towards the normalization of non traditional families.  The well-being of the child is constantly being tossed aside for the well-being of the parent or couple or whoever.  It is another consequence of the me-centered culture we live in.

I am a Grandmother.
I live in the same town as my grandchildren, and I see them every week. I am in my early 50’s and in good health (meaning, I am healthy enough to be able to be active with the kids, not doped up on pain meds, not in an Assisted Living facility, etc)
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But there is so much about their lives that I do not know - things that a day-to-day parent does know.  I only get a sliver of time in their lives.  We spend our time playing, goofing off and I get to ask questions about their week, but this grandparenting cannot be compared to day-to-day parenting.
To be a good parent you have to be there all the time, not just every other weekend and holidays.

I learned that the only “quality time” is “quantity time”.  I really didn’t want to take TaeKwondo with the younger three of my four kinds across 5-6 year period, but I did.  I got to the belt below black (whatever color that was—confirming my non-interest), but nonetheless had a blast sparring with fellow adults or with the biggest of my kids in practice.  I also took great pride watching them compete in tournaments, but I really could care less about getting the black belt for myself.  So much so my wife was surprised that that I didn’t go and and finish after my youngest was done with the program.  I said I didn’t join up for TaeKwondo to secure some kind of achievement for me—I only did it because my children wanted me there.  Once they finished, I was done.

Yup…the funny thing about people seeking any justification is, they are likely to find it.

I remember the shock when my reality exploded at age 10, when my parents informed me that “daddy was going to live in a separate house for a while”. Up that point my world seemed so simple, mom, dad, the sisters being a family. Suddenly was dad going to be there or is he coming back? My parents finally divorced when I was 15 and my father moved across the country and my mother started doing shift work, so I was left to my own devices. I managed to keep my head on fairly straight, but I know it all has lingering effects.

Disagree with this article…..as a psychologist research has shown that the greatest predictor of a child’s future happiness is the the perceived amount of affection between the parents. If your parents are unhappy and always fighting with each other, it would to be possible that the child will be better off with the parents living away from each other. The senerios are best in this order:
1. Both parents live in the home and love each other
2. Parents do not live with each other and are kind and civil to each other
3. Parents are in the home and have a horrible relationship
4. Parents do not live in the same home and are not kind or civil to each other.

http://www.johngottman.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Effects-of-marital-discord-on-young-children’s-peer-interaction-and-health.pdf

@Jon Starks - I’m glad you chimed in.  I was wondering about this very thing.  My brother in law (husband’s brother) was divorced after 25 years of marriage and 7 children.  His wife told him she didn’t love him, had in fact never loved him, and she wanted a divorce.    They continued to live in the same home (separate bedrooms) for several years.  Ultimately, he granted her the divorce because he could not afford to fight it and he felt it was better for the kids.  I don’t know - I’ve never lived that hell so I can’t say.  He has certainly become his younger kids’ primary parent and the kids do seem better off for it.
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My oldest kids are teenagers now.  When they were young, my husband was starting his own business and sometimes the kids would only see him a few hours each week.  His business is now established enough that he’s more visible to our kids, particularly the older ones who are nearly always awake for a few hours after he gets home.  I’m mentioning all this because a few years back, one of our older boys asked why Dad works all the time.  At the time, I was driving him to his private pitching lesson, because this son wanted nothing more than to pitch for his baseball team.  I told him the truth - so that we could live in a nice safe neighborhood and still have money left over to do things like give him private baseball lessons and his sister could pursue her very pricey life as a champion Irish dancer.  I asked him, “Would you like Dad to be home more?”  His very thoughtful response was, “Not if it means I’d have to give up pitching lessons.  And I know Katie wouldn’t want to give up dancing.”    Sometimes just being there’s enough, and sometimes it’s not.
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It’s easy for us to embrace Hallmark Channel truisms, but they rarely tell the whole story.

Yeah, I agree.  It matters a great deal to kids to just have their parents watch them do something, even if they’re not very good at it.

My parents went to two or maybe three of meets during my whole high school track & field career, and only went to one showing of each of the school musicals I was in.  I saw other kids’ parents there every night.  Back then I thought it didn’t matter. As an adult, I was surprised to realize that I actually resented them for it! And my parents weren’t divorced.

@Dejah - but what’s a parent supposed to do when they’ve got more than one child?  It’s impossible to be there for all of them every time.  Particularly for the numerous baseball and basketball games.  My husband and I do our best for at least one of us to be there for things but there comes a point where that’s just not possible.  Especially when you’ve got more than 2 kids.  December’s only got three weekends before Christmas - the odds of there not being a conflict for the many recitals and CHristmas shows are slim and none.  And of course, Christmas is smack in the middle of basketball season.    If one kid’s giving a piano recital, and another kid a guitar recital, the first thing we’ll scratch off our list is the kid who’s got a basketball game.  If he can get a ride, he can still go, but don’t expect Mom or Dad to be there.  We’ll make it to one of the other ten thousand games he plays.
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Anyway, I know that’s not the point of the article.  Divorce stinks for kids.    On that we can agree.

I had a moment today where my 5 y.o. was in the driveway tossing a beach ball up in the air while I watched from the window.  I stood there for 5-10 minutes, and I swear he looked over at me every 7.1 seconds, just to be sure I was watching.  I think you’re on to something, Matt.  Oh, and I finally got out of watching by offering to get him some water.

Posted by Jon Starks on Wednesday, Aug 29, 2012 11:59 AM (EST):Disagree with this article…..as a psychologist research has shown that the greatest predictor of a child’s future happiness is the the perceived amount of affection between the parents.”
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Could be, but I think if you look back to past generations where folks had a different understanding of the permanency of marriage there may have been less outward affection but more inward committment.
Affection’s well & good but I think security is deeply important to children, too.If parents can leave each other, what follows for the child?
If a home situation becomes abusive, if there are safety issues, sure separation can be legitimate, even life saving.
Modern Western society sees marriage & family through a different filter than other cultures & our adults have differing priorities from earlier generations.I’m not so sure that’s true for children.

Background.  Parents happily married and very involved in all our activities.  I have been married for 24 years with 4 kids from 3 - 21.  Read this post while kids are playing in back yard.  Wife and I got dinner ready and called them into eat.  First thing out of my 5 yr old sons mouth was “were you watching me play outside?”.  When my wife answered no, he said “Why not?”.  Told the wife I had a post for her to read after dinner.

Matthew, great article.  Interesting take on being a dad. 
Personally, growing up I advocated for my parents divorce.  I simply could not stand another night of my father’s abusiveness towards my mother, my brother or me.  My mom wanted to stay together for my brother and me (For the kids). Shortly after, I told her how I felt, she visited her attorney. 

As a dad now, there is something to be said for just being there. A word of caution: do not for a moment think your sons or daughters do not know you do not want to be there, that you would rather be home watching paint dry or the grass grow.  Kids are incredibly intuitive and can sense when you are doing something just to be there. My wife and I have shared with out teenage son the things we like to do with him and those we don’t.  We found that honesty is the best policy- no storks, no moon of cheese, etc- and that has worked for our son; he knows what to and what not to expect from us.