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America Finally Winning The War on Babies

11/30/2012 Comments (25)

America is finally winning its war on babies. And victory may finally be at hand.

 

If one looks at America's actions since the Supreme Court declared war on babies about 40 years ago it's apparent that this country sees babies as the biggest threat to the country and the world. And while there have been some major successes in the fetal resistance movement such as 50 million babies consigned to medical waste status, they continue occupying wombs and entering into America unbidden and unwanted.

 

In recent years, the United Nations even escalated the war on babies by declaring the inability to take a human life as a human rights violation. But still babies came. One UN official called babies "predators" and said "if they're so viable tell them to go live somewhere else."

 

He insisted he's "not against babies per se, it's just that they're in occupied territory."

 

Scientists are scratching their heads as to why these "blobs of tissue" only seem to attack women. Women's rights advocates believes babies are misogynistic and want women to stay home. One woman suspected that a baby "occupied" her womb shortly after a night where she drank herself into a blackout and went home with a guy on a moped. "Nine months later I was punished with a baby," she said. Others say they're sure it has nothing to do with sex because everyone knows that sex is safe and completely without consequences.

 

The federal government has opted to fund the defense-from-fetal occupation industry known as Planned Parenthood. But even that industry, while it's taken care of a fair share of fetuses, can only do so much. Babies have continued to implant themselves into unsuspecting wombs and are sometimes even making it all the way to birth, demanding to be taken care of.

 

Fortunately, many of these fetuses have grown up and have been converted to the fetal-resistance movement. Our public school system and institutions of higher learning have worked wonders converting former fetuses into supporters of the war on babies.

 

But still the threat worsens. In fact, so dire has the threat become that the federal government has even taken to conscripting religious organizations to pay for prevention of babies entering America. Christians, especially Catholics, have been outraged by this mainly because of arcane doctrines from the Pope that forces Catholics to be what some derisively (yet accurately) call "fetus fetishists." Others say their support of babies has to do with putting more donations into the collection baskets.

 

It's impossible to understand who started this war but the Guttmacher Institute states that the babies started it by illegally occupying women and then coming into the world and destroying the environment and becoming a drain on the tax system.

 

But America may finally be on the brink of victory. News reports state that according to new analysis of government data by the Pew Research Center, the U.S. birth rate dipped in 2011 to the lowest ever recorded.

 

Most experts believe the America finally has babies on the run and will eventually achieve total victory over babies.

 

One somewhat ironic point some raise is that the federal government has continued borrowing money from future generations in order to fund the fetal resistance movement which is actually destroying the future generations they're borrowing from.

 

Others point out that when America finally wins the war on babies, there won't be anyone around to celebrate it. But others say it's only with the complete eradication of babies that Mother Gaia can begin to heal.

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About Matthew Archbold

Matthew Archbold
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Matt Archbold graduated from Saint Joseph's University in 1995. He is a former journalist who left the newspaper business to raise his five children. He writes for the Creative Minority Report.