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Control Freaks

Monday, November 01, 2010 3:00 AM Comments (16)

The White House has found something else for us to be afraid of: asteroids.  Turns out we need to spend a bunch of money to prepare for this, because our power to control the universe is limitless:

Of course, all we need to do is get Bruce Willis, but nobody listens to me.

I sometimes think that one of these days, our Ruling Classes are going to undertake a long-range program to try to prevent the Second Coming, with task forces and bipartisan analyses which will present computer models of the predicted socio-economic and environmental problems expected to attend the Consummation of All Things and the Advent of the New Heaven and the New Earth.  There will be solemn pledges (“Not on my Watch!”) by Bidenesque gasbags who will reassure the American people that no fundamentalist religious figure—not even the Son of Man coming with all the hosts of angels to judge the living and the dead—will be permitted to impose his values on tolerant, secular, multicultural Americans.  There will be press conferences with Catholic pols emerging from Mass and declaring that, as American Catholics, they do not feel beholden to Rome’s simplistic dogmas that “He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead” and stating flatly that Jesus has no right to judge any living or dead Americans for doing what their consciences tell them to do.  A coalition of leading Catholic pols will warn Rome that “steps will be taken” to ensure that, should Jesus inaugurate his Apocalypse, the United States will respond with swift and overwhelming force to protect our sacred rights to abortion, consumerism, and polymorphous perversity.  The Pope will be cautioned that “Should this so-called Messiah attempt to impose his values on us, we will be forced to regard the Vatican as a client state of a terrorist entity and take appropriate steps, not only against Vatican City, but against all terrorist cells on our own shores who support this subversive doctrine that contradicts our sovereign right to control absolutely everything that happens on Planet Earth and beyond.”

Filed under news of the weird

About Mark Shea

Mark Shea
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Mark P. Shea is a popular Catholic writer and speaker. The author of numerous books, his most recent work is The Work of Mercy (Servant) and The Heart of Catholic Prayer (Our Sunday Visitor). Mark contributes numerous articles to many magazines, including his popular column “Connecting the Dots” for the National Catholic Register. Mark is known nationally for his one minute “Words of Encouragement” on Catholic radio. He also maintains the Catholic and Enjoying It blog. He lives in Washington state with his wife, Janet, and their four sons.