Well, my grand plans to do absolutely nothing this summer have not played out like I had hoped. Between swim lessons, birthday parties, playdates, travel plans, and that "small" freelance project I took on (that, of course, ended up being not all that small), my lazy and laid-back summer is shaping up to be anything but lazy and laid-back.
Starting about a week ago, I knew that I was getting too maxed out. I knew that I needed to take steps -- drastic ones, if need be -- to clear off our schedule to give us a little breathing room, but I could never seem to break free from the momentum of our crazy days to think clearly enough to make changes. Then, yesterday, I got a wakeup call that reminded me of the real ramifications of living this way.
I was running around, getting the kids ready to go some place or another, when I remembered that an old friend had called me 10 days before, and I'd never called her back. She had said in her voicemail that she needed to talk to me about something; and though she hadn't specified what it was, my gut told me it might be important. I assured myself that I'd return her call as soon as I could. I very much wanted to connect with her, to see if there was anything she might need, but I just couldn't do it that afternoon -- I was too busy.
When I finally remembered to get back to her yesterday, she informed me that her family had experienced something very difficult. She was doing better now, and everyone was beginning to move on, but at the time it had happened she was really upset and had needed someone to talk to. We chatted for a long time and made plans to get together, and I did my best to support her, but it was clear to both of us that the moment had passed. The time that she had really needed to hear the supportive voice of a friend was 10 days before, when she'd first called me.
Situations like this always make me think of the parable of the Good Samaritan.
When I first heard that story, I found the behavior of the priest and the Levite appalling. I immediately stuck them into that handy "bad person" box, categorizing them as a type of people utterly unlike myself, people whose behavior was completely off-limits to me, that I never would -- or even could -- imitate, since I was safely in the "good person" box. Maybe I wouldn't act as perfectly as the good Samaritan, but I assured myself that I would behave nothing like that priest or the Levite!
And then one day our pastor gave a homily in which he made the startling suggestion that maybe those two men who walked by weren't such bad people after all. Perhaps, he suggested, they were quite like a lot of us. So how, then, could two normal guys, no better or worse than the rest of us, walk by a dying man in the road? His answer struck me like a bolt of lightning:
Maybe they were busy.
Suddenly that "bad person" box fell apart, and I realized that the men from the parable might actually have had eloquent justifications for their behavior. In my imagination, I had always pictured them looking at the dying man with utter disinterest, their hearts not moved in the slightest by his suffering. But suddenly I pictured an entirely different scenario, one in which they did feel great pity for the man on the road, and did want to help, but felt like they couldn't spare the time from all of their other pressing commitments. And, chillingly, I could imagine exactly what they might have said. Perhaps it was something like: "Oh, man, poor guy! I sure would stop to help if I weren't already running late for that super-important thing I'm going to. In fact, maybe after I take care of a few things I'll circle back and see if he still needs assistance. Right now, I'm just too busy."
Gosh. That sounds awfully familiar.
Here in suburbia we may not have a lot of people lying in the streets after being beaten by robbers, but that doesn't mean there aren't people all around us in dire need of our help. As I was reminded recently, I am often faced with situations similar to the one faced by the three men on the road to Jericho. The details may differ in severity to the circumstances of that parable, but they are still opportunities to do what I know is the right thing -- to actually enact the priorities I claim to hold dear -- yet I walk right by, telling myself that I can't stop because I have too much to do. Why don’t I visit nearby family members more often, pray with my kids more frequently, go to daily Mass sometimes, write that letter to a friend who's been on my heart, or all the other things I claim are top priorities? I'm "too busy."
Like all good lies, it contains a grain of truth. I really am busy. I honestly don't have time to do it all, to undertake every charitable act that comes to mind, to pray for hours each day, and so on. Yet I’ve allowed "I’m too busy" to become a sort of mantra, a plausible sounding knee-jerk reaction to gloss over those times when I'm just too lazy or too tired or too distracted or too stuck in a rut to do the right thing.
The lesson that I take away from this is not that we should beat ourselves up for dropping the ball sometimes, or that we have to say yes to every occasion to help that comes our way -- it's also important to acknowledge our own limits, and accept that we simply can't help everyone all the time. I just hope that I can use the occasion of the missed call from my friend as a lesson for the future, so that when I push back an opportunity to reach out to someone, I can make sure it's a decision that I have actually evaluated, and not a hasty response borne of a feeling of being overwhelmed. And I hope that the next time I casually throw out the phrase "I'm too busy," I'll remember that the priest and the Levite were busy too.
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Very interesting insight, Jennifer. Actually, the Bible is filled with stories where we are filling the parts of the characters—we’re supposed to find ourselves in there, but too often we want to think of ourselves as the Samaritan (honorable action guy) but instead we really are the priest/Levite (perhaps honorable, but turning away from our true calling to serve right there at a critical moment). The seduction of the “I’m too busy” is that we allow ourselves to say “But Joe or Jane are counting on me, and I’m committed to them already so I have to keep on.” When, in fact, the more urgent calling is right in front of us and we ignore it. In reality, Joe and Jane will get on a little more without us, unless we’re an EMT responding to their 9-1-1 call. We must be open to the other 9-1-1 calls that are slightly veiled, but no less important.
Thank you for this article. Parents today are the busiest people on earth due to how we raise kids today. When I was growing up, during the late baby boom, kids were everywhere and you went outside after school and played with the neighbors. Mom never once planned a playdate for me. You played with kids at school and you played with neighbors. That also took care of the exercise requirement. The only sport anyone in my large family had was the boys got Little League. Now we drive our kids to sports and playdates so they get exercise and socialization. On top of that many moms work for pay, either inside or outside the home. Although I don’t, I do homeschool which is a full-time job in the home. There are very few stay at home moms who don’t work for pay at all and don’t homeschool. Very few are home all day while their kids are in school all day like my mom. My mom had time for friends and volunteer work. For families to be less harried they would have to go back to the model of moms working less. If course, that means I couldn’t homeschool and I don’t like that option. Homeschoolers and working moms are busy, leaving little time for husband, friends, volunteer work, etc. On your earlier blog post about Catholic singles you got some bitter comments about how married people don’t have time for their single friends. This is often true but its not because they don’t care about their single friends. It’s because they don’t have time for anyone because they are working and raising kids. So should women give up their jobs or stop scheduling activities things for their children? No point in asking them to do that because they often really need the money and they want their kids to have all the advantages they can in life. I will say this, unless I or my kids are sick, I always return a call or email with 24 hours. I think it’s very rude not to. I do think bringing up our kids as happy, stable, holy, productive people bound for heaven has to be our first priority. But whether we need to do everything we think we need to do for them in terms of activities and financial support is an open question.
I totally relate to this post. I only have one child, and I only work outside the home 15 hours/week. Yet sometimes having a small family can be a lot of work in its own unique way. Providing socialization for an only child is a big endeavor. Like Monica said, it’s not like when we were kids and you just played with the neighborhood kids, with very little involvement from Mom. (Two weeks of daily swimming lessons definitely added to the frantic pace of my summer; I can’t imagine how people do this with multiple children!) I really try to keep our lives as simple as possible. We aren’t the kind of family who spends our weekends going on constant outings and community activities. My ideal way to spend the day is to just stay home and hang out. If I didn’t care about socialization for my son, I would gladly stay home a lot more than I do. I guess what I’m saying is that busyiness is a tough one, because we do have some control over it, yet not as much as we should. (I also return emails and phone calls promptly. I’m really not fond of talking on the phone, and find emails much less disruptive than phone calls because I can check them at my own convenience, rather than being interrupted by a ringtone. Thankfully most of my friends know this about me, and therefore I get a lot more emails than phone calls. But I do respond promptly. I get that some people are simply unable to do that because of life circumstances. But there are also lots of people who were never good about returning phone calls, even when life was simpler; in those cases it is really more of a personality thing than a question of busyness.)
Oh, and one more thing: people constantly assume that the minute my son goes to school, I’ll resume fulltime work outside the home. Well, not if I can help it! Financially, it would be great (my earning potential is more than three times higher than my husband’s, and our lifestyle would be very different if I worked fulltime). But I am currently discerning homeschool, and even if we do end up sticking with public school, children are only in school for 6 hours/day 180 days/year. I don’t see how this is conducive to me working fulltime. I once read a book (whose name is escaping me) and the author referred to the “ministry of availability”. I’m not saying that I would just sit around waiting till someone needs me, but the truth is that school-age kids still need supervision for many hours/day, more at certain times of the year, and I don’t want to be spread so thin that I can’t volunteer, be there for my son, care for my mother as she gets older, etc.
Dang, girl. Thank you.
My observation is that most people who complain about being just so darned busy are often just not all that disciplined about managing their time. How much time do we spend surfing online (e.g. reading this article?), how much time do we spend watching TV or running unnecessary errands that can be consolidated? When most people add that up, they’d be surprised about how much more time they’d really have if they stopped making excuses.
Insightful and I too am guilty . The only time I am not too busy is when I take the time to pray first thing , the rest of my day is long and full and fruitful. Why i don’t do this everyday is the big mystery, but i know it is the remedy. Its like you give God a bit of time and He pays you ten fold.
Jeff, reading articles like this on NCR isn’t necessarily a frivolous use of time. For one thing, everyone needs some downtime in their day. For some people that might be reading a book, for others talking on the phone, for others going online, etc. Furthermore, there are many people (like me) who don’t have a network of faithful Catholics in their community, so the online community fills that gap.
Jeff It’s called multitasking! Smart phone for the boring grudge hrs! ;)
I am all too busy. I am going to school for my masters, preggo with our first son and have 2 daughters—age 2 and 3—our oldest has special needs and I drive her at least 3 hrs a week just for therapy not including dr appts 2 hrs away and she will have had 3 surgeries and 4 hospitalizations this year alone by Oct 2nd (feast of guardian angels for open heart surgery) not to mention the hrs I spend on the phone corrupting medical bills, following up with drs, talking to nurses and scheduling therapy!! I volunteer minor hours with the shelter and youth group, and my hubby works non stop yet we are still under the poverty line. Just complaining ;) I know others are busy too… I do like to think though that serving my family is helping the beaten down traveler. Even in the non urgent drudgry.
Doing the best I can and biting off more than I can chew (but I like it and can do all things with Christ) <3
As always Jen thanks for the incite.
Lol correcting medical bills. They are already corrupt enough on their own ;)
Sometimes the best solution is to get a little creative. One time, when I was a newlywed, I called my best friend in distress over some incident. She was about to leave to take her girls to dance lessons, so she invited me to ride along. We talked while the girls practiced. On another occasion, I wanted to meet her for lunch but she had list of errands to do. So I picked her up at her office and we drove around and talked. Just a thought.
Jeff, since you are also online instead of working every second of the day I guess you must be a slacker like Claire and I. And shame on Claire and I for thinking we could read something edifying for a few minutes. Ban the internet - it’s allowing stay-at-home moms have some interaction with the outside world!
Jennifer, things do get better. Brace yourself for this one, but one of the hugest improvements to my life has been getting up at six with my husband every morning. I make him breakfast and lunch, and pack it “to go”. We put our eight y.o. in bed with our three y.o.,(older siblings are in bedrooms close by) and drive to 7 am mass. We pray the rosary coming and returning. My husband drops me at the side of the road, so he can go to work and I jog home. Sometimes I get in the car, pick up a few things at one of the three grocery stores I go to, and have something roasting in the oven before any of the kids have even woken up. I’m amazed at how much better I feel, and rarely have that panicky “catch up” feeling I used to get when the you-know-what can start hitting the fan. When I had five young kids, I used to have someone come in and help me. I didn’t have a big budget so my helper came for different short tasks, 3x per week. Instead of having someone come for a whole day, she would do different short tasks, and I could get out of the house while she kept an eye on the kids. I just wish, my mornings had included mass and prayer with my husband.
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Getting up early has always been murderous for me, but once I didn’t have a baby waking me up nights, it has been simply amazing, and liberating getting up early with my husband. It has become a very peaceful, joyful, and intimate part of our lives and relationship. I feel like my day has never started with such strength, and I never feel “behind the eight ball” anymore, because by eight a.m. I feel like I have already lived and experienced the “heart” of my day, everything else is secondary.
I think it’s about responding when you are called and negating the ‘sensible reasons’ about why you can’t.
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A few years back, I had an important meeting back in my home state. - I was traveling for work the week before this important meeting, which meant that the moment the plane landed, I went straight to my car in the airport parking lot and started the 10 hour drive to my home state so that I could attend the important meeting with my family in the morning.
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As I drove the long stretch of interstate, I thought about the many times I pass a car on the side of the road - someone who needs help. and I never stop. God and I talked about this for about an hour as I drove, and we concluded that in most cases, I’m in no position to help these people. I can’t fix their car, and if they’re men they know better what to fix than I do. And certainly, as a woman I can’t be expected to stop for fear of being in danger myself. Yep. That’s what I do… I keep going because I’m equally if not more vulnerable.
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About 40 minutes after I wrapped up those thoughts and moved onto others - I see a car broken down on the side of the rode. I didn’t plan stop - since I had this already worked out.
But as I approached, I saw a young 20-something woman changing her blown out tire to her spare.
It occurred to me that two women on the side of the road were safer than one woman on the side of the road - so I slowed, took the side of the road, then had to back up for about 1/4 mile to return to her.
She was able to change her tire - but told me that I was the first to stop - of all the vehicles that had passed her for the last half an hour. She had just come across the Rocky Mountains and a tire blew because they were hot from the terrain. I realized that she would be driving on a spare with three other vulnerable tires. If another one blew, she would really be stuck.
I started calling repair shops in the next town which was still an hour away - they were all closing up for the evening but would order the right tire to be ready for morning. Then I told her that she could only travel about 35 mph on her spare, so I would follow behind her at that same speed until we reached the next town, where she would stay for the night.
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I would still make the important meeting the next day - I just wouldn’t get to mom & dad’s house until well after midnight. So what? That’s an easy sacrifice to make sure this young woman travels safely.
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The meeting was with the parole board, who was letting my sister’s murderer out of prison for good behavior.
When we asked the board what we could do to make sure he wasn’t released, they said we should write them a letter!
I nearly blew my top. I just flew from Memphis to Denver - drove from Denver to Sioux Falls, South Dakota - followed another driver at 30 mph….. and I’m sitting before you to discuss this but you want my words in a LETTER!
I can only guess that my good actions and sacrifice were banked up because although he was released, he hasn’t raped or killed since he got out - which was my biggest fear.
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Maybe those things have nothing to do with one another.
But I would stop and escort that young lady all over again.
Renae, I am so sorry for the senseless loss of your sister, and for how the court blatantly mishandled the parole situation.
This post brought me to tears. My five children are grown, but a stressful job has filled the vacuum and I’m still racing. Just about a month ago I received a voicemail from an acquaintance. He asked me to call him back to give him information about something very important. I remembered one week later - called and left a message. Two weeks later he killed himself.
My rational self tells me that everyone who comes in contact with someone who commits suicide feels terrible guilt. I’m sure mine will lessen in time. This post helped me to look at this square in the eye again (without the fear of crippling guilt). I want to live my life in such a way that the most important things God is putting in my path are the ones that get my immediate attention and receive the most focus and love.
Oh Janen, I’m so sorry. You did return his call, and it was another two weeks before he committed suicide, so please try to be gentle with yourself. He knew that you made yourself available for him, and whether you called him back the next day or the next week probably had little to do with the outcome. But it’s great that what you’re taking away is a reminder to prioritize; it’s a reminder that all of us need.
I think everyone who didn’t return a call right away and found out later the call was super important should not feel guilty. It is the responsibility of the caller to leave a message saying “urgent” or “really important” or even “emergency.” Every last one of us would return a call with a message like that right away. We can’t read minds and only a tiny fraction of the calls we get in a lifetime are urgent. We cannot be a slave to the phone. However, I do try to return calls within a 24 hours. If someone leaves a message saying “urgent” I will return the call the moment I hear the message.
@Monica (momof2) - I normally don’t have time to read blogs, but since I’m deployed with the Army 10 time zones away from my wife and 7 home-schooled kids, I probably have more time on my hands now than during my regular life. My comments weren’t intended to cast a judgment on anyone but to simply point out that a lot of people (including myself at times) aren’t as as busy as they like to advertise. Too frequently, people use “I’m so busy” as a cop out…that’s all I’m saying.
Busy can mean Being Under Satan’s Yoke. Something else to think about. God bless!
Jen, thank you for writing this post. I can’t begin to tell you all how guilty I am of avoiding others. It’s partly my introverted personality and partly what I refer to as post traumatic syndrome from being cornered for hours and hours by people who just wanted to talk and complain and invade my space, while doing nothing about the situation they are complaining about. This isn’t judgement, because I tend to not change what I need to change too. ;-) But, I have taken this protection of personal space too far, and need to remedy that. Thank you for the reminder. God Bless.
PS. You all have made some really good points here. Thank you for an insightful and loving conversation.
The worst part about being “too busy” is that when you finally DO find a little time that’s unscheduled, you just collapse, supposedly to “rest” but it never really seems to work that way. And then you feel guilty about “wasting time,” so you throw yourself back into the busy-ness that wore you out to start with. Such a vicious cycle!
I have had a couple of opportunities in the past where I made a wrong decision and only now see what I should have done.
Jennifer, awesome interview on The Journey Home! (I dvr’d it on Monday and finally had time to watch it tonight.)
Or maybe, Jennifer, God meant for someone else to talk to your friend? I’m not saying I know this to be true, but I pray in the morning (especially on the busiest mornings), “Dear Lord, Let me accomplish everything you want me to today.” I know I can’t do it all, so I do what I can, and peacefully leave the rest in His hands. Enlist your guardian angel too, to specifically help bring to mind the things “to do” that are what God wants. God bless.
Jennifer, I, too, watched your interview on “The Journey Home” on EWTN with Marcus Grodi last night. I immediately looked up this website/blog as your story intrigued me. I am a “fallen away” Catholic finding my way home with the help of the Holy Spirit. So glad to find another resource to learn about my Catholic faith! Thank you for your gift of sharing your journey.
An excellent and powerful insights in this post.
Wow, very interesting piece, and one that, unfortunately, hits too close to home. Back in April, I was at work at a job I had just started ans received a call from a priest who officiated at our wedding 14 years ago. I was very busy and, since I was new, did not feel comfortable taking a call right then, so I sent him to voice mail, where he left a very funny and thoughtful message. I told myself I’d call him back. And for the next week, despite plenty of commute time, lunch time, and time at home in the evenings, I did not return his call. He died exactly one week later after finishing Mass. It was a heart attack that came out of the blue.
I now accept every call I can and call back immediately if I can’t take the call. I have found that I am always gratified to talk with the person and that the conversations are never too long.
You hit the ball out of the park on this one. I was just re-evaluating my summer plans yesterday and came to the same conclusion as you. This summer has not gone as I had planned at all, I have about 3 weeks left before homeschooling starts and I have so much I still want to get done! I look back and see how “busy” I was, all things that needed to be done, but nothing that I had planned on doing. Now I have 3 months worth of “planned” stuff to fit into 3 weeks!! Not going to happen, I need to re-prioritize my next three weeks so I don’t feel like the summer was an epic fail.
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