Pro-lifers are still digesting the news that Republicans have shockingly—SHOCKINGLY, I tell you—knuckled under once again and allowed federal funding of Planned Parenthood to gallop ahead. I just can’t understand how such a thing could happen—after all, if you can’t count on Republicans to keep their promises to pro-lifers, than whom can you trust?

Oh my gosh, I was really lonely there for a second.

Anyway, I happened across this little piece by one Jocelyn Nubel, who on Friday (before the budget was passed) was all a-twitch with a sassy little Lysistrata-esque idea: Hey, everybody! Those mean old conservatives want to defund Planned Parenthood? Well, we’ll show them—we’ll stop having sex with them! Nubel says:

In the case of a possible defunding of Planned Parenthood, a sex strike seems to me the most obvious and appropriate means of protest. There’s a direct correlation between what’s being threatened and what we individuals can do to assert our cause.

As we’ve been reminded numerous times in recent days, Planned Parenthood’s most common services are providing contraception and testing services for STDs and STIs. If Planned Parenthood were to shut down as a result of the GOP’s efforts, it will be more difficult to find reasonably priced and easily accessible reproductive care and, in turn, sex will become riskier for all.

It’s hard to imagine that a ban on Republicans in the bedroom would be much of a stretch for these feminists, who appear to regard most conservative men as cross between Idi Amin and a Mongolian death worm.

It’s irrelevant anyway: Thanks to our gutless wonders in Congress, Planned Parenthood can keep spending tax dollars to help pimps, and Nubel and her buddies can resume their former habit of, um, pursuing Newt Gingrich look-alikes? Ahem. No accounting for taste. Anyway, let me get this straight. Nubel argues that, if Republicans want to abolish Planned Parenthood (which they don’t: They merely suggested taking federal tax dollars away from a corrupt, bloated corporation that donates huge amounts of money to the Democratic party), then women will take away the need for Planned Parenthood: They’ll stop having sex. By her argument, since Republicans want to make sex “riskier,” then the reasonable response is to take away sex altogether.

Here, ladies and gentlemen, we have one of the most pathetically ignorant products of our time since the guy who invented Christian salt as a wholesome alternative to kosher : She can’t imagine having sex that isn’t risky.  She can’t imagine making love with a man and not subsequently needing to be tested and treated for disease. She can’t imagine intimacy that’s not inextricably linked with an appointment to be wrapped, plugged, scarred, burned, twisted, snipped or poisoned in order to protect you from conceiving a child. In other words, she has no idea what sex is for.

Poor Jocelyn Nubel—so ignorant, so confused. Maybe Planned Parenthood is right after all: There is clearly a need in this country for more sex education. I’ll compile a reading list for the first class, entitled “Modern Sex 101: You’re Doing It Wrong”:

Casti Connubii
Humanae Vitae
Theology of the Body
Evangelium Vitae
Veritatis Splendor
Catechism of the Catholic Church
Deus Caritas Est
and a little known work by your grandmother, entitled Keep Your Pants On, Sonny.

From now until next week, I’m offering a 50% discount to anyone who can prove they voted for Daffy Duck.