The Religious Freedom Rally: My Predictions

Are you going to the Religious Freedom Rally tomorrow? 

I desperately wish our family could be there, especially because I think it’s very good for kids to get caught being Catholic in public.  But my husband has to work, and the rest of us are spending the day in parent-teacher conferences.  I’m sorry to miss it, and I hope you can make it. 

But I won’t have to be there to know how it’ll go down.

There will be a huge crowd of attractive young women, dressed stylishly, with beaming, joyful faces, and holding signs with clever and incisive slogans showing that they don’t consider fertility to be a disease, that they are pro-choice when it comes to choosing whether to fund abortion, and that they have read the Bill of Rights recently.

There will also be as many as four counterprotesters, who’ve been using state-funded contraceptives for so long that they’re suffering from estrogen dementia—hence their conviction that “rosaries” rhymes with “ovaries,” and that making punning reference to one’s pubic hair shows that the Left respects women, whereas Mulieris Dignitatem is just plain mean. Using the same innovative math that inflates about 52% of Catholics into 98%, the press will reverently report that counterprotestors had “a strong presence.” 

There will also be one fat guy with greasy, grey hair and a scaly neck and his shirt buttoned wrong, kneeling on the sidewalk and wearing a sign that says “PRASERVE THE PATRIARCKY” on one side and “COMMUNION ON THE TONGUE” on the other side.  The Huffington Post will take so many pictures of him, their camera batteries will fall out.

At some point, a fourteen-year-old girl will trip over her shoelaces, causing two of her friends to stumble slightly and giggle a little bit.  This incident will occur within 1,000 feet of a Planned Parenthood facility.  All three girls and their parents will be arrested and detained overnight for criminal threatening.  Joy Behar will become hysterical on live TV will report that an anti-choice terrorist organization was discovered, and will use the girls’ mug shots as evidence that homeschooling should be illegal.

Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards will get a raise, just because

Rush Limbaugh will make a surprise appearance and attempt to launch into a diatribe against the feminazis who are ruining Amurka with their whorish, whorish whoring.  With one voice, everyone attending the rally will shout, “YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE.”  He will meekly apologize and go away forever.

Nah, that’s silly.  That last part would never happen.