You Might Have a Large Family If…

My version of Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be a Redneck If”

(photo: Pixabay/CC0)

1) You might have a large family if... the Suburban is the small car.

2) You might have a large family if... the only kids who get new clothes are the oldest two of opposite gender.

3) You might have a large family if... the ice cream vendor, shoe store and pizza place that had a frequent buyer program had to adjust their wording to prevent you from collecting every time you visited.

4) If every  time you pull up to the drive-thru, there is a chorus of cheers from the staff as their quota for the day has been met, you might have a large family.

5) If every time you pull up to the drive-thru and there is a new person at the counter, that person faints after the order is given… you might have a large family.

6) You might have a large family if… every time you GO INTO a restaurant... wait, we don't do that.

7) You might have a large family if... you are never finished with doing laundry, you've just paused in between cycles.

8) You might have a large family if... you get out of the car and it’s a parade.

9) You might have a large family if... you get into the car and it’s a major victory.

10) You might have a large family if…when speaking with your spouse, you divide your children into the sentient, middle triumvirate and non-sentient for classification purposes.

11) You know, you might have a big family if any stranger has ever come up to you and asked, “All yours?”

12) You might have a large family if you've ever been asked, “Do you know the Duggars?” or alternatively, are you trying for your own reality television show?  

13) If every meal is rather like Thanksgiving... you might have a large family.

14) If diapers have been a staple on your grocery list for more than two decades... you might have a large family.

15) If college tuition will be a staple of your budget for more than two decades... you might have a large family.

16) If you get audited because they can’t believe you had another kid... you might have a large family.

17) If your insurance calls for the same reason... you might have a large family.

18) If when you schedule appointments for the dentist, the receptionist clears out a whole day just for you... you might have a large family

19) If the pediatrician has given you your own personal parking place... you know you just might...

20) If you own numerical candles and can represent pi up to 57 digits because of prior birthdays… you might have a large family.

21) If you've ever fantasized about asking the church if you could have two of their older pews to put in your kitchen at the dinner table to manage seating… you might have a large family.

22) If you clean your kitchen floor three times a day with a shop vac... okay, that just might be weird me, but you might have a large family.

23) If you haven’t had a life without a toddler or a teen in nearly twenty years... you might have a large family.

24) If when your 5-year-old asks, “What's my college plan?” you point to the 18-year-old... you might have a large family.

25) If when your 11-year-old asks, “What's your retirement plan?” You point to all of them... you might have a large family.