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For your Holiday Amusement…

BY Mark Shea

| Posted 5/23/14 at 12:01 AM

 

I give a little game of Spot the Fallacy:

First, people start using the slippery slope fallacy. Next thing you know, everybody is being herded into concentration camps and gassed.

You know who makes ad hominem arguments? Ugly people, that's who!

I'm not saying people who poison the well in arguments are exactly like Hitler, but let's just say there's a resemblance, if you catch my drift.

Of course he never uses the genetic fallacy. He was raised by Italians who superstitiously believe you should never do that.

Some people say I use the tu quoque argument, but that's because they use the tu quoque argument.

Have you always asked loaded questions like a Communist child abuser or did you just begin recently?

Just after I started illustrating fallacies such as post hoc ergo propter hoc, the sun came out. Obviously, this proves that my illustrations have power to alter the weather.

I'm going to educate people on the consequentialist fallacy in moral reasoning if I have to torture and murder every innocent man, woman, and child in Seattle to do it.

Some people object to non sequiturs, but that's because pizza tastes good.

If you object to emotionalist fallacies in arguments, I'M GOING TO SET FIRE TO MYSELF AND DIE AND THEN YOU'LL SEE HOW WRONG YOU ARE!

People who practice guilt by association should all be rounded up and shot, along with all their family and friends.

I find it impossible to believe that anybody would ever use an argument from personal incredulity as proof of anything.

Great men like me, those with a high and lonely destiny, sometimes find it necessary to use what would be called a "fallacy of special pleading" in the hands of lesser and lower people. But it's different with people like me. Totally different.

Appeals to authority are fine. Or maybe you just don't believe the Bible, George Washington, and Abraham Lincoln, eh?

You either accept the black or white fallacy or you advocate the extinction of all life on earth.

The burden of proof is on you to show that my reasoning will not lead to universal prosperity, utopia, and everlasting chocolate.

My letter of recommendation to my new employer said he'd be very lucky to get me to work for him, so I don't know why he's complaining about "ambiguity" now that I've taken my fifth four-hour lunch this week.

I once met a guy in an elevator who told me that anecdotal evidence trumped all that fancy pants "facts" and "research" supposedly proving the world is round. Good enough for me.

Lots of people complain about strawman arguments, but that's probably because they also think slavery and cannibalism are just fine. Are you going to let people who enjoy slavery and cannibalism tell you that strawman arguments are fallacious?

Three out of two hundred studies show that confirmation bias is great! My mind is completely satisfied with that.

Everybody who is anybody makes ad populum arguments.

I am composed of atoms. Atoms are invisible, Therefore, I am invisible.

Socrates is a man. All men are mortal. Socrates is mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.

I'm opening a natural foods store because I think anything natural is good. We'll be featuring the natural foods that dung beetles, vampire bats and man-eating lions enjoy.

No true logician has ever committed a No True Scotsman fallacy.

I was talking to some superstitious boob who thought that cars were evil and walking out into traffic would get me killed. Anybody who thinks cars are evil is a fool, so I'm marching straight out into traffic to show him how wrong he is.

These illustrations of fallacious thinking are funny--and therefore true.

Obama supports abortion and says that 2+2=4. I guess we all know what a load of baloney mathematics is now.

At the same moment that cell phone usage increased, One Direction became popular, and Putin started threatening Ukraine, Pope Francis chose to again washed the feet of women. Coincidence? I think not.

Jesus Christ, Christmas trees, and Santa Claus come at Christmas. Santa Claus does not exist. Therefore, Jesus Christ and Christmas trees do not exist.

Some miraculous claims are false, therefore all miraculous claims are false. Therefore, God does not exist.

If God existed, he would do a miracle for me and not some nobody shepherd or slob in polyester. Shepherds and slobs in polyester report encounters with God. Therefore, God does not exist.

I have a big stick and will hit you with it hard if you do not agree that I am right. Therefore, I am right.

And finally, END SCIENCE FUNDING AND STOP THE KILLING!:

Feel free to supply some fallacies of your own in the comboxes.  Have a great Memorial Day Weekend!